home

it feels like only yesterday i reached home for the school holiday. now, i'm going back to bukit garam tomorrow. i wish i could extend my stay here. i'm so not in the mood to go to that place. just the thought of work make me sick to death. in fact, i am sick right now. totally not cool.
looking back to all the things i did during the hols, not much actually. i spent time hovering myself at home. went out only when it's really necessary. i've become the potato couch. well, minus the potato off course. i'm not really a chips eater. accompanied by a litres of plain water and healthy cookies. i watched almost everything on tv. what i do realize is my family is not a big fan of drama or movie. they prefer something serious like nat geo channel, documentary or cooking show. while i like to drown myself into hopeless melodramatic movie. am i adopted?
i also finished reading tons of books. surprisingly i can read book and watch tv at the same time. read bibliography from some tortured princess. cried. learnt. and smile at the end of it. when i told mum about the story, she admitted that the father in the book reminds her of her late father. someone who is fussy, very strict and patronizing. now i know where i got that patronize thread. huh!!!
the best thing about this holiday is i fully utilise my time to be with my parents. going out with my favourite rugby player. goofing around with my 4 years old nephew. attaching his lego car, playing battle, hide his mum's phone and all the stupid things. my hands now full of blueish bruises due to being bitten and beaten. but i don't care because somehow it strengthen our bond. ecstatic.

me: i'm thinner now. but why do i feel so turn on everytime i look at myself in the mirror whenever i wear this shirt.
B: i know that. it's the little curve at your back down to your ass. always drive me crazy. always.
me: you're supposed to be my fried.
B: i am your friend. but i'm just a guy.
me: no. you're a pervert with less hot butt.

holly jolly

despite all the religion differences, we are still together blessed by whatever our beliefs are because in the end, blood is always thicker than water. i would like to wish my family wherever they are a very Merry Christmas. let's have fun and pray for miracle to happen to all of us. i love you guys deep-deep. ketat-ketat. thanks for making my christmas even more special with all the wish and token of appreciation. terasa diri ku begitu berharga..;)

btw, frodo cameo in The Hobbit- An Unexpected Journey is so damn cute. i feel like want to squeeze him tightly and kidnap him so i can cuddle him for the rest of the night.

you're an old guy

Happy 31st Birthday My Mr.Lanjut Usia

let's grow old together

but first you're going to need this to get rid of that wrinkles

and lots and lots of this

no matter how old and worn you are,

KAU TETAP YANG TERSEXY DAN TERMUAHHH DI HATI SAYA. 

p/s: i may not text. i may not call. but i'm not sumbung. i just caved myself to give you some space. whatever it is, you know me well enough.

pull the trigger

i play for keep. 

people tend to take things for granted. enaf said.

your hand writing. the way you walk. your sense of fashion. the way you see the world.

"what i want is to be needed. what i need is to be indispensable to somebody. who i need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my intention. somebody addicted to me. a mutual addiction" - Chuck Palahniuk.

hi, my name is zila marsden and i'm addicted to you.

nj and i

been spending time with nadiah and jerry a lot lately via gtalk and phone. i really feel like they're living next to me. adham growing so fast. last time he was just dodi and next thing you know he's going to be big bro dodi. it's really nice to have someone who knew you inside out where you don't have to pretend. it's totally the break that i really need from my life right now. being open and so free about everything just because you know they will never judge you. seriously, the best relationship ever. i'm so grateful to hear that jerry is actually trying so hard to embrace Islam and practising it for the first time in his entire life. good job, naddy.
there was one time when she asked me whether i'm still a control freak. i was like wtf??? i'm not a control freak. not ever. then she tried to convince me by showing some exhibits. i actually was a control freak. WAS okay. and when i think back, i found that i'm still that control freak who try so hard to control my freak side and hide it deep inside of me. i pretend to be someone cooler, spontaneous and like surprises. it so tiring. but i keep doing it knowing that no guy would like to have a control freak as a girl. i plan everything. even my spontaneous thingy. i plan it very precisely from the beginning so it will look naturally. only God knows how hard i tried to maintain this macho and cool look. but surprisingly, everything comes naturally now. the control freak and the spontaneous me blend together to create the new me. i guess so. nadiah and jerry were laughing so hard when i said this. give it a break, you guys.
i miss to have you in my life right now. i miss to have sleeping partner. i frankly never do what we used to do with anyone. i maybe sleep with a lot of people. but i never cuddle and spooning until the dawn without feeling so gay doing so. i miss to have someone where i can actually say "pause please. i just wet my panty and i need to change" whenever we watched hentai together. i miss the loudspeaker phone call where you guys usually yelled at me to dump that moron. and when you yelled at me again saying "you still the most stupid girl i've ever met. last time you stupid for stick with the guy you don't even love for five years. now you stupid because waiting for your one true love" when i told you about H, it's euphoric. i seriously envy you. you're so smart with all the horticulture thing yet you drop school for the chance of love. i envy with the fact that you're now a smart housewife with 1 and half kids. i envy everything about you though you're not even in size 4. you're totally daredevil and you inspired me a lot. thank you for being in my life once again. and jerry, thank you for your little hijrah. i know how hard it is to actually believe in God when you used to spend your entire life with no belief. you not only make nadiah happy, but also me.

homme

me: so thank you.
he: i didn't do anything.
me: no. you did everything.

tell me, how can i not love you when you are the reason for the better me.
tell me, how can i not love you when we have the chemistry.
tell me, how can i not love you when our hearts combined like a neutron star collision.

i'm not a bitch who keep hurting people who's in love with me

"you're still the same old zila. flirt with everyone, stick to no one," said a friend.

for the record, i don't flirt. i'm just being nice and sweet. if you defined it as flirting, then you got me wrong baby. and why should i stick to anyone? i'm not looking for that kind of relationship. i want something serious. i'm tired of committing myself to things like that where the chances of getting hurt is high. i'm scared. being in love with someone is tiresome. you have to give your full attention. you sacrifice yourself, time, energy and your private space for some uncertain future. for what? so you can get hurt and repeating the same rebound phase again and again. no thanks, baby. i've had enough already. they said love and commitment come hand in hand. that's why i stick to wait for the right one. the one who's going to shake my dad's hand on my big day and promise him that he will take care of his little baby girl. and to that guy i shall give my love and full commitment.
in other words, i'm waiting for that guy to propose. i want marriage. i dreamed about it all the time. only not with you or anyone. i've got my own choice. so stop bickering.

with you

with you, love feels so very ritual.
i love how you've turned me into the "now" me.

and to you i would like to express my sincere gratitude.

salam ma'al hijrah 1434

there are two things i really wish to do for this coming new year:
1. finish recite the Holy Quran.
2. read the Tafsir and comprehend the meaning.

and as you said, may we find the happiness that we dreamed of. Aameen.

i am the one who can walk that mile until the end starts

i don't know why adele always has a song that helps to describe my feeling. this song is really something. the lyrics touched every part of me. being a weeper myself, i actually cry the first time i listen to the chorus. i wonder if i had too much love for him inside of me. it surprised me sometimes thinking about it. it's like i've never tired after all these years waiting, crying, hurting and mostly loving him each day.

when dad asked me about him last night, i asked him back why he likes him. then he said, "he put a smile on your face back". and with that, i spent my night crying myself to sleep..;(

see-through

i know this is maybe nothing to some people but still i would like to send my deepest apology to those who attend our annual dinner last saturday. i didn't realize that my blouse is that transparent. i didn't do the fitting when i bought that shirt since it was from my usual store. i simply asked for my size and paid for it.
i was in a rush on the night when i get ready in the hotel room. i just took off the tag and wore it. only realize that it was transparent when i saw picture on his camera. but i thought it was due to camera flash. so today when a friend tagged me in facebook, i was shocked on how lucent that blouse was. i should have worn it with some tank inside. i feel sad thinking that i have shown my body the whole night to everyone when i should keep it for the right one later. i feel terrible every time i think about it. luckily, this friend of mine deleted the pictures from her wall. thank you, Imelda. you saved me.

O' Allah, please forgive my sins. let me bear it myself and hope not to be burdened it to my dearest father..;(

bersama mu ku temu kan ketenangan

Jika engkau telah berdoa untuk di dekat kan jodoh, jangan sibuk mencari yang jauh. Dia sudah ada di dekat mu.

For you, HK.

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blessed friday, no?

never go to bed with unsettle issues cause you're going to wake up feeling like a shit and it'll determine your mood for the whole day.
i hate having a fight with him. especially when it involved the person i'm not so fond of. i hate to discuss things which clearly the answer will always be NO. he knows me well enough to not to raise the case. so when things like this happened and we both (more to myself) go to bed feeling sad and depressed, i woke up today with fifty shades of gloom.
then when my boss questioned me about my unfinished work, as if i'm not doing my job just because some scum asshole did not do their part, plus i was summoned to his office, i break down. i cried like a stupid person and hating that scumbag even more.
i know that stupid and hate are two mean words that i shouldn't use but i just couldn't help it. i have to use it to describe this stupid fella we have in my work place. i wish i don't have to work with this scum but i have to. like everyone else who trapped dealing with this person. this scum is just so annoying i could spend my whole day cursing this person. i never feel like a shit but i lost control this morning. i wept in front of everyone which is to me one of the stupidest act i've ever shown in public. now i can't stop myself from hating that person. i hate this scum to the deepest. i wish i never met a person like this scum. and i pray that they will transfer this scum to somewhere far far away from my circle. i tried to find some compassion and love inside me but i failed to do so cause all that left is hate and despise for this scum. i pray that Allah will forgive my sin for hating this scum. Ameen.

too much hate lately, zila. clean your inner self before it's too late.

hingusan

people don't mess with me. they just don't mess with this sweet, cute and adorable zila marsden. but when a little scum who i treated nicely before put a shit on me, i feel like "what on earth has got into your mind?".
i only have one thing to say. GROW UP before it's too late. the world outside is bigger than you can imagine. people get meaner, things get brutal. no one wants to have a psychotic little brat to be their friend. you will be left out. alone. do you really want to spend the rest of your life alone? or perhaps you should hire a fake friends to be your clan. pathetic. i pity you.

food for thought

Lagi makan hati berulam jantung. Pahit tapi sedap.

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everyone deserves this fun

planning the near future with someone who includes you in all his far future life plans is fun.
being in love with someone who loves you with his entire heart is just the most fun.

whoever you are, i'm waiting for you patiently.

sired to you, a thousand times over

i fell for your thoughts
the way that you said my name
how you make me speechless
i ache to be inside your mind
hear the whisper of your every thought
get lost in your deepest desires
i want you lying down next to me
caressing the soft curves of my face
running your fingers down my back
i fell for you
i ache for you
i want you.

life is never rainbow and unicorn

imagine someone put you on cloud nine and lift you to seventh heaven. then when you get cozy and all that flower thingy start to bloom, he left. and you're slowly descending. falling. scared to scatter and shatter. once you think you're going to hit the ground, crash and ruin, he catch you and lift you up again. and the cycle goes round and round. no one knows what is the ending. not even you. but you keep going on because you like the pleasure it brings when actually it hurts every part of you.

wake me up when we get to the end part. just make sure it has happy ending.

just don't

i maybe the most emotionally immature, unstable and retarded person on earth. but i am trying so hard to change the way i am for the better. so please be patient. have a little faith in me. don't walk away from me. don't turn your back on me. don't leave me without a hand to hold on to. that's all i'm asking. it means a lot to me. you mean a lot to me.

semua kan ada hikmah nya

because Allah will settle everything for you
when you take care of your relationship with Him.

Ya Allah, please give me the strength i need.

jaded

i am crying over the loss of something i never had. mourning something that never was. my dashed dreams. dashed hope. and my soured expectation. heart and flowers.

while listening to Transcription by Bach.

green monster

i'm not the type of girl who easily get envy. especially not to that harmless creature. but when people keep giving me the same stare, i start to hate everything about it. it is as if they were pity on me. i don't need their pity. seriously, i'm a grown up. i know how to handle things my way. just leave me alone please.
i'm drowning myself into reading lately. it looks like i didn't pay much attention to my surrounding. but actually i'm observing. it's irony when someone despise you for mingle with your opposite sex buddy and turn out that person is the one who keep doing it. it is so unfair and frustrated. i maybe look tough on the outside. but it wounds me for every laugh and every smile he made. and the saddest part is, all that laugh and all that smile is not for me and not because of me.
i'm trying so hard to change who i was for you. for you. isn't that meaningful enough?

it's not about the lust. it's the love that catch my attention.

spent my weekend engrossed myself into this trilogy. i can't give further review over these books. you've got to read it to understand it. different people have different point of view about BDSM and all that submissive thingy. but i can say i like it better than twilight. at least it's logic and it happens in our daily basis. overall, i'm glad that i ditched The Best of Me by Nicholas Sparks for this one. the overnight totally paid off.

just so you know, reading the pdf version is totally not cool to me. but i have to read it because they put me on pre-order for the books. sucks.

p/s: Edward Cullen is no longer my eye candy. well, say hello to Christian Grey. dark and mysterious philanthropy. still he is no HK..;p

i love you because the entire universe conspired to help me find you

according to Coelho, love is narcotic. at first it brings the euphoria of complete surrender. the next day, you want more. you're not addicted yet, but you like the sensation, and you think you can still control things. you think about the person you love for two minutes, and forget them for three hours. but then you get used to that person, and you begin to completely dependent on them. now you think about him for three hours and forget him for two minutes. if he's not there, you feel like an addict who can't get a fix. and just as addicts steal and humiliate themselves to get what they need, you're willing to do anything for love. sounds pathetic yet beautiful.

hidup

manusia bila di bagi pilihan akan pilih yang cantik instead yang buruk.
yang kurus instead gemuk.
yang tinggi instead rendah.
saya memang nampak superficial. tapi hakikat nya akan go pada benda yang people least expect.

schoolmate: i have brain tumour. stage 3.
me: bullshit!!! why now?
i have 2 close people who died because of SLE and brain tumour few years ago. please Lord, not again. i'm tired of losing.

superb

another thing i hate about PMS is your whole body become more sensitive. and. and. and. you're super horny all the time. sucks!!!

always an aunt never a mum

since budak kecik is having a bun in her oven, i take charge of all the house chores. she needs to have extra rest. so everyday i cook dinner for us. sometimes i feel like having a husband who's going to have his dinner after solat maghrib. that means i have to cook early so we can have our dinner a little bit earlier than usual.
what it feels like? it feels like i am a family woman. it is actually a good practice for me. but it is different then. right now i have to make sure that i only cook a healthy food. i changed our refined oil with extra virgin oil since we only have that in the kitchen. remind me to buy corn oil when we do grocery later. and then, she insisted not to add MSG in the meal. so right now we're eating sort of tasteless food. it is so hard at first but once we used to the tasteless taste, it's kinda good and healthier though sometimes it taste like a hospital food. i'm going to learn lots of new recipes for the growing booboo to vary he/she food intake. frankly speaking, i super enjoy doing this. i love pregnancy phase, pregnant mum or anything to do with it. i just can't wait for the shopping time for the little angel. oh my god, booboo isn't yours, zila!!!

cooking is actually fun when you put your heart into it.

btw, i look so cute in my new purple apron.

;)

p/s: did i just name fizy's baby?

kids nowadays

student: teacher, do you have long hair or short?
me: why?
student: just asking...
me: it's not long nor short. it is just enough to drive my man crazy.

student: teacher, did you do a nose job?
me: nope.
student: what about your lips and chin?
me: if i have extra money, i will surely have a breast implant.

student: teacher, are you using a contact lenses?
me: no. why?
student: your eyes. it's brown.
me: i am a half blood princess. what do you expect?!

student: teacher, do you watch porn?
me: no. i prefer hentai.

stop asking me stupid questions if you don't want to have a stupid answer.

fetish

Am i crazy to keep sniffing and enjoying the smell of his hand on my tumb drive that he just gave back?

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think they don't know me, no?

one fine day...
partner in-crime: let's cook.
me: cook what?
pic: what do you have in mind?
me: something lamb-y. i have lamb in my fridge.
pic: where did you get it?
me: bought it last month when he wanted so much to eat my black pepper lamb but couldn't make time to cook.
pic: wah...it must be nice to be H. lucky him.
me: huhh???

yesterday...
(one of the male teacher got an oversize shirt that will never look good on him unless he alter it)
me: you should alter it. you will look ridiculous in it.
the teacher: yeah. i thought so too.
my neighbour: don't listen to zila. she likes to see male in a tight shirt.
me: huhh???

seriously guys, wtf???

that dagu bulat guy

for a long time, he held a special place in my heart. i kept this special place just for him, like a "Reserved" sign on a quiet corner table in a restaurant.

p/s: mr.Patience is the husband of Mrs.Waiting and i am the Mrs.Waiting here.

super hero

When Marsden is around, there is nothing that can't be solved. With a smile, a shake hand, little talk and sum of notes, everything back to normal. Oh...i just love being stupid and helpless whenever he's around.

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tired

life fucked me hard lately until i think i'm going to be impregnated by tears and despair.
Allah, please give me some super power to stay strong.

hope

you may think a relationship is already dead or too broken to be fixed.
you may think a heart is already dead or too broken to be fixed.
but Allah says; "Know you (all) that Allah gives life to the earth after its death! Already have We shown the signs plainly to you, that you learn wisdom". (57:17)

The one who can give life to the death land, can give life to the dead hearts.

too small for Your attention

today is the 19th Ramadhan. i must say this Ramadhan is the most challenging one. physically especially emotionally. i feel so down this past few weeks since i start my Ramadhan by falling sick and everything. i feel so small and alone in this unfamiliar place (still trying so hard to feel like home here). 

it makes me realize one thing. the changes i've been made since last Syawal is not good enough. i'm still not a good muslimah. i failed to finish recite the holy Quran after a year. i failed to comprehend the meaning. i'm not trying so hard to understand it. sometimes i forgot to perform my solah especially after my period. sometimes i left it purposely for i'm so lazy to pick myself up to face the Almighty. i failed to be a good daughter. dad was secretly cried for me few months ago. mum cried for the crisis between dad and i. i still didn't listen to them thinking that i'm big enough to handle myself. i'm so childish and always acting stupid, helpless and hopeless whenever i had a chance to do so. i'm not a good sister to my brothers and sisters. sometimes i forget that i have them. only remember when i was in trouble. i'm not a good aunt to my nieces and nephews. i failed as a friend to friends. i'm not sincere enough in doing my job as a teacher. there's so much lack in me. i'm too weak to handle the world.

what i regret the most is i'm not trying so hard in doing good in this life. i let the bad in me posses the good one. i let the beauty of the world drown me in. i let my weakness control me. i let the loneliness haunted me. i react positively around negative things. mostly, i'm not strong enough to handle the truth and let imagination swept me away.

so please ya Allah, give me a strength. make my path easier. help me to get through this. 

p/s: i just want to have this chance to say this to someone i put close to my heart. you, i'm sorry for all my madness. i'm sorry for suddenly being here in your life and try to run everything the way i want it. i'm sorry for i've been too clingy. i forgot who we really are. this past few months been really good and nice to me until i forgot where things took place. i forgot that we are still stranger. i forgot that we are nothing. i'm sorry if i was too pushy and immature because almost three years is not a short period. it starts to kill me softly. i'm sorry for sometimes i invite you into my fantasy and let you get carried away together. i know i shouldn't listen to your promising words and keep rising my hope by it. or am i the one to be blame for misinterpret it? i said stupid things. i talk crap and full of nonsense. i'm sorry. from now on, i shall wait silently like how i'm supposed to. put my faith in Allah's will. if we were fated, He'll help us to find each other. we'll figure it out somehow eventually.

we are

people aren't chocolates. they are bastards. bastard coated bastards with bastard filling.

the best therapy in the world when life gives you boomerang and it is about to explode in your hand and you don't know where to throw it, go take a shower. cry your heart out. then shave every hair on your body until you feel like a newborn baby and put on your clay mask. don't forget to buffer your nail so it'll look shiny and pinky.
the next day, go to work like you are a new people. it'll make a lot different.

it's just emotion taking me over

Lately i let emotion control me freely. I cried not for no reason but mostly easily touched by the story i was engrossing myself into. I cried when rennie abort her baby when she was 17. I cried when amy lost her preterm baby. I cried when the unnamed lost her husband. I know it's just fiction. But i feel like i was in their shoes. Feeling grief, lost and lonely. I shouldn't read and let all this stuff corrupted my mind but i feel like i need to keep reading to avoid the emptiness i feel inside. At least i don't feel alone when i am reading. I might sound sick or depress as what my sister would call me this past few months. I don't mind. I really don't mind.

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i love you without knowing how, or when, or from where

if only i can buy a seed and plant it in my tummy, so it will grow to an infant.
seriously i feel lonely and i'm so tired of crying in my prayer asking for the Almighty to grant me with one.

cute twin

today at school before i went home.
s: hi teacher.
me: hi.
s: sudah sihat?
me: yeah, i'm fine. thanks. but how'd you know i was sick? teacher bukan ajar kelas kamu pun.
s: the guy that you adore la...
me: huhhhhhhh???!!!

mygod!!! i'm going to love this girl in my english class next year. isn't she the sweetest. "the guy that you adore la...". for God sake, she's only form 2. some of my front class form 3 kids don't even know how to use adore (v) correctly.

questioned

"You're so beautiful. Why would you hurt yourself?" He asked last night. God!!! I don't have the answer for that kind of question. So i said, "i love him so much, sometimes i couldn't breath thinking i might not be the one for him". I love his smell and the smell of his car. Plus he has this dagu bulat that always look so cute whenever he smiled. I want my baby to have that one later. Never thought i would fall for a guy like this. It hurts so much yet it brings me pleasure by simply waiting for him. The rest, i leave it to Allah to decide which path is the best for me.

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his sleepy voice is seriously the sexiest one ever

it is really nice to hear the voice of your loved ones before sleep. even when all he can say is "hmmm...why?' "uhuhhhh".
seriously.

being hormonal

having a period is almost the same as being pregnant. not like i've been pregnant before. but seriously you want to pee for every 10 minutes. it sucks for a person like me who cannot hold it. then you have this hormonal thing where you tend to get angry for some little illogical thingy. you easily get tired and dizzy. and the last thing you want to do is to commit with others.
i have a graph for my mood. during PMS, i usually extremely happy, non-stop talking. at this time, you need to shut me up with whatever you can for i always talk crap and full of nonsense. i laugh a lot. in fact, too much for some people to handle. when the time comes, my graph decrease to become moody, hormonal and i turn to monster. the worst part is the post one. this is where i'm going to eat everything. every little thing on my mind. and this is the moment where the green monster turn to green goblin. i so hate it.

p/s: i got a stainless steel pot from kak Rozlin for our exchange gifts at school today. it really made my day. i love it so much. i can imagine how i'm going to hang it on my kitchen wall. hehe. i should learn to cook. i should learn to cook cause i promise H that i'm going to feed him with lots and lots of food until he forget his mama's cook..;)

p/s/s: i'm going to miss my first day of fasting. that sucks!!! sucks to the fullest. sucks to the deepest.

anonymous

few months ago i received a text from anonymous saying want to get to know me. but me being me, i ignored it. i'm not the kind of girl who likes to entertain such text. this anonymous keep texting me though i never replied it. until 2 weeks ago, anonymous texted me around 11.30 am when i was still at school saying how beautiful i look that day. okay, so this person actually work with me. i asked H whether he knows the number or not but he didn't. i thought it was H trying to punk'd me because no guy at school would send such text to me except him. still i didn't reply it.
one day, anonymous text me again saying that it is safe for me to contact the number. for some reason, i know who the hell this anonymous is. though i already know who anonymous is, i still refused to reply the text because HE is actually a married guy. he keep texting me as usual though he never get any reply from me. he even called me snob for not replying his text. i start to feel something different. i've become aware of him at school. it's kinda creepy actually. last saturday night he text me again inviting for a drink around 11 something at night. that's totally absurd. if we were in kK and this person was my age, i should call it booty text. seriously, who text people at midnight asking for a drink??? what kind of person is he? especially with his title at school. God!!!
so this morning i told two of my best buddies. one of them was not really surprised hearing it but both of them feel so yuck. it turns out that i'm not his first victim. there's another teacher who experienced the same thing. oh my God. this person is totally sick. for God sake, he is married with kids. isn't he happy with his wife? doesn't he have some respect to matrimony? i feel sorry to his wife for having such husband. i pray that Allah will shield me from this kind of husband. and i pray that he will stop do so, so that any single young women won't feel threaten with such act.
we need a conducive environment to work. don't ruin it.

p/s: congratulation H for the "manager of the season" award. you totally deserve it, love.

tristan and yvaine

how to make man understand this?

is this love? i never imagined i'd know it for myself. my heart, it feels like my chest can barely contain it. like it's trying to escape because it doesn't belong to me anymore. it belongs to you. and if you wanted it, i'd wish for nothing in exchange. no gifts. no goods. no demonstration of devotion. nothing but knowing you loved me too. just your heart, in exchange for mine.

i wish i'm a fallen star so i can glow whenever i'm happy with you.

pesona

man's finger with a wedding band.

exquisite.

fair enough?

eye bag sucks!!!
wrinkle sucks!!!
gravity sucks!!!
mood swing sucks!!!
hormonal sucks!!!
PMS sucks!!!

the fact that men are getting more handsome and sexier as they're ageing, totally sucks!!!

a gift for the undomestic goddess

i don't know where this gift going to lead, but this is totally so random and unexpected.

never in my life had received such gift from a guy. 

thanks H. 

you are so beyond my imagination.

hormonal

lately mood macam gampang. mudah marah sebab benda bodoh. benda kecil yang tak logic pun boleh jadi punca naik angin. bukan baru sangat. since last week. hilang focus time driving. hilang focus bekerja. jadi benci dengan tempat kerja. jadi kurang senang dengan orang-orang di tempat kerja. rasa macam mau pulang rumah dan kurung diri di bilik.
so today i called my sister to have some talk. the first question that came out from her mouth: "kenapa? kau mau kawin? too bad, bini G pregnant sudah". i laughed then said: "ya. mau kawin. tapi dengan H". then we talked and talked and talked. like we were sitting next to each other. then she asked: "kenapa juga mau tunggu?" ah, rasa macam tertikam tiap kali orang soal begitu. tiada jawapan. sebab hati rasa begitu. dia bilang saya tidak lagi muda untuk ikut main tarik tali. then she said, "sudah-sudah la tu jadi lone ranger. jangan telampau sensitive. think less. don't read too much. hairan aku kau membesar jadi begini". saya bilang, "memang juga dari dulu begini kan. cuma lately semua yang negative tu getting worse". saya terkedu bila dia jawab, "just because it is, doesn't mean to be like that ba. susah mau di atur kau ni. bagus lagi dulu-dulu". then i said, "ba battery kong sudah ni. nanti la call balik malam-malam sikit".

tengah baca The Lucky One by Nicholas Spark. hari ni H handsome gila babbas.
bila masa dia tidak handsome di mata saya?

what else can you do when you stuck alone at home on the weekend?

just when i'm about to do some laundry, i do some digging into my clean shirt basket. i found that i still have few clean undies. so i cancel my plan to wash the dirty one. nampak sangat rajin.
this is one of my bad habit. i love to collect my dirty underwear and wash it once when i run out of it. sometimes it can be up to until 3 weeks. luckily i have tons of it. lucky. or maybe i should try to go until i don't have one. it must be great to go to school, teaching without wearing a bra. imagination running wild. hehe.
when i was left alone like this, i usually love to do house chores. growing up by a housewife mother, i don't have a lot of chance to do it. mum usually the one who keep the house clean. make sure the food is ready for us to eat whenever we feel like one. when i was 17, she fell sick and unable to do it. i took her place to be the house mother. i learn how to cook, wash, iron and everything. it was so hard at first. but eventually i learnt. i secretly love it. it's like the only moment that i feel like a real lady. yeah, i know. surprise.
up until now, i love to do it secretly. especially when i'm alone like this. i will clean the house, do my laundry, cook and rearrange everything. life as a teacher won't give me time to do it daily. i always busy with school and nap. hehe. so weekend is my only chance to keep my room spotless. people used to think that i have a messy room. but they are wrong. to me room is my sanctuary. i change my bed sheet once in two weeks. i always make sure that my things are on it usual place. i fold my clothes neatly and put it in my drawer. my wardrobe always smells like spring and everything hang nicely. i love to keep it that way. it'll make easier for me to find things whenever i need it.
i like to cook because i love to eat. and i love the joy feeling whenever i heard people compliment my cook. what i love the most is, when he gives marks and comments to my cook. i love to see the smile on his face whenever he was happy eating. i always make sure that people will finish up my cooking because i hate left over. i won't eat it the next morning and i won't reheat it. i don't like reheat food and i refused to serve one. i'd rather throw it away and cook the new one. bad. very bad habit.
what i hate the most is washing the dish. when i'm at my parents, my dad will do it for me. and here, budak kecik will do it for me. i don't know why i hate it so much. i guess i just don't like the rough feeling on my hand. just last wednesday, amoi, budak kecik and me compared our hands. turn out that my fingers and nails is the least cuticle one. isn't that great? at least my reluctant to dishwashing paid of. i wish my guy will buy a dishwasher machine when i married later so i can keep this young soft hands. wishing. wishing.

tolong cari kan saya suami yang rajin cuci pinggan.

tiang

"isteri adalah tiang seri rumah.
kalau berseri isteri itu, maka berseri la rumah."

untuk buat tiang seri rumah, saya prefer kayu malam atau juga merbau.
supaya bila di tinggal lama, pasti akan memecah kaca rumah.
persis saya.
deep.

i can let you love me foolishly, love me foolish-like.

i much prefer the blend of his body odour and polo black

The thing about liking someone is that it is like liking a perfume. What smell nice to you might not smell nice to others or vice versa. All the type of perfume has its own uniqueness. The most important one is every kind of perfume will have its own lover.
He's away for almost a week now for District Level Sports Day. And here i am stupidly missing his smell and blogging about it while eyeing my kids doing their work.
Sometimes, love takes people beyond the imagination of stupidity. Or is it just me?

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i may not have that thick sexy wavy hair, but it is enough to make my guy smile with the smell and the softness

i've been a committed user of L'oreal Elseve collection for almost 6 years. but last month i randomly decided to change my shampoo. it happened on this one afternoon when i was bored at home, i took my car and drove to town aimless. i repeat, aimless.
so i went to The Body Shop to accompany my niece to look for something for herself. i out of the blue start smelling everything and when i tried to smell this shampoo, i fell head over heels in love with the smell. added by the professional talker sales bitch, there goes my rm130 for shampoo and conditioner. hehe
now after a month using it, i can say that i like it to the deepest. start from the smell to the non-parabens contain claimed that it'll help to save the earth. well, all i can say that it helps to volumize my hair. i recommend this shampoo to those who have the not so thick hair. don't worry about the light foam. you'll get used to it after a week of using it.

it smells like candy

i wish i have a husband who can smell my hair 24/7 and i can enjoy watching that cheeky smile on his face

talking about smell, i smell like i'm about to have sex with myself every morning in school.

resemble

tall pretty mummy+ handsome short daddy+ cute baby

can life be any blessed than this?

p/s: kalau tidak esok, mungkin lusa la ni period.

the vow

i vow to help you love life,
to always hold you with tenderness,
and to have the patience that love demands,
to speak when words are needed,
and to share the silence when they are not,
to agree, to disagree, on red velvet cake,
and to live within warmth of your heart,
and always call it home.

i vow to love you now and forever,
i promise to never forget that this is once in a lifetime love,
i vow to love you and no matter what challenges may carry us apart,
we will always find a way back to each other.

you, i know you are not as sensitive, sentimental and as romantic as i am, but deep down in your heart i know you can feel the warm of my love..;)

si pungguk yang rindu kan bulan

keep praying. keep loving. keep hoping. keep waiting.

sakit. tapi asyik.

my missing star

it's like a missing star that always ends up on your sky
it's like the rainbow never comes after the rain
it's like the sun never rises in every of your morning
how am i supposed to live without those things
they are all you.

every littlest things remind me of you.

status

When i was in suria doing some random shopping, suddenly the urge of buying mens work attire strike me. In the meantime, i was whatsapping with budak kecik. I asked her if it's okay for me to buy him one. She replied me, 'apa juga status kamu ni?'.

Sentap.

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Ayden JB

We're just welcome a new born boy named Ayden to our family this morning at SMC. What a beautiful baby with a handsome daddy and a cute mummy.

Oh...i just can't wait to have mini him. Allah please grant my wish faster.

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another 13 days

how long till we call this love, love, love??

heart grow fonder

i'm here and you're there.

that makes two pathetic missing heart.

parting is killing. even for a fortnight. 

needs

i need a new space to write where i can sincerely write from my heart without having a second thought that there are some people who will be offended with what i have written.
i need to move on. or perhaps to move backward. i just want to move cause right now i feel like i'm frozen. i'm going nowhere. i'm stuck in this tormented moment. living in denial. living in lies.
i need someone to slap me hard on my face so i can wake up from this dreamy land. from this so-called comfort zone where nothing is actually comforting.

i'm not okay. i'm not.

ramble

cuaca panas lately.
almost 40 degrees. macam la.
buat diri jadi malas.
tidur tidak boleh.
pakai tank top lagi rasa panas compare dengan big tee.
marathon Lord of the Ring dari pagi.
tengok Frodo, Aragorn dan Legolas, rasa macam di syurga kejap.
tukar caller tone baru untuk dia.
phone bunyi sekali. LINE.
laundry tidak berlipat lagi untuk tiga minggu. penuh menggunung di basket.
atur jadual cuti. atur alasan soalan cepu cemas. atur duit.
june birthday orca. lesen mati. maintenance.
jeans baru. shirt and blouse. perlu coin purse. perfume. buku baru. mungkin juga perlu high heels baru.
cutlery set. kitchenware. dinner set. bed linen.
tiba-tiba.
jeles gila babbas tengok perempuan kurus kaki panjang, perut kempis, rambut panjang, wavy.
super jeles orang ada laki.

bon appetit

the moment when i was texting with him complaining about how scorching hot my house can be sometimes, i'm thinking about food. i'm craving for something milky, cheesy and chocolatey. i don't know why on earth suddenly my appetite turn to something like that. i want something hot yet simple for my teatime. i went down and found a carrot slice leftover from our teacher's day celebration yesterday. i ate it together with budak kecik. but it seems not enough for me. when she was busy with something else, i'm busy cooking scrambled eggs with super extra fresh milk in the kitchen. it turned out so fluffy and moist. i never thought i could make something like that. the milky taste was killing me softly. for a moment i forgot my getting-bigger muffin, my super ideal weight. i let the eggs teasing every part of my mouth and perish me with its taste. when i'm done, i thought of having a second round. but a caught of my thigh suddenly stop me. there goes my kelly rowland dreamy thigh.

i wish he was here so i can pamper him with food and be fat together. gaining weight alone is super not cool..-,-

i thought i was hypotension

i seriously need anger management class. i just slapped 8 kids on their faces for giving pain in my ass during exam. that was after i threw tantrum in front of everyone. everything so out of control. i feel bad about it. real bad. but i just couldn't help myself.
now, i'm just waiting for the HEM to call me.

i'm sorry. i'm really sorry. this PMS is totally killing me.

contentment

he: ada nampak tom cruise ka?

me: ya ada. depan mata saya pakai baju pink. guna aviator baru.

minta puji!!!

handsome short guy+ aviator+ cute baby

is it too much what i'm asking for?

rant

i miss K so much. i know it's wrong. but lately i miss him badly. i gather all my strength to keep him off my mind. i just couldn't. it seems easier to do it at school because i can channel all my thoughts by spending my time starring at H secretly. it sick. i put him in my conversation here and there. i try so hard to remember his smell every time he picked me up from class after his office hour. or to remember his jokes. his smile. his laugh. i just can't forget how he used to make me happy and how happy i used to be. i miss everything. i miss being in a relationship. 4 years alone is too long and sad. sometimes i wonder will i ever be loved again.
i'm not in love with him anymore. i can say it. i'm in love with someone else right now. but things are so hard. i'm torturing myself with something uncertain. and it hurts like hell. i don't know why i keep holding on to it. it may sound stupid but try to put yourself in my shoes. only then you know what fool means.
if only i have a magic to cast a spell on someone. or at least the power of compulsion.

seriously, it's not cool to be alone. imagine going to sleep with no nite and wake up without morning. it sucks. it sucks to know that no one cares about you. it sucks to have no one thinking about you in the wee hours. it sucks to eat alone. it sucks to plan alone. it sucks to spend your weekend alone. it sucks to have no one to share the new book you just read. or the new movie you just watched. it sucks to have no one complain you. it sucks whenever you read funny love quotes and you have no one to share it with. suddenly all the joy and funny feeling turn to despair. it sucks when you cook or eat something good with no one to share it with. it sucks.yeah, it sucks and sad and lonely. i hate it to the deepest. now let's cry together.

seriously???

H

dari kecik tidak mau mati

kurang ajar kan bila ada pelajar yang berani buat sexual moaning time kita lalu depan kelas mereka. rasa macam mau ketuk kepala pelajar tu dengan batang paip biar mampus sekali. kalau gatal betul mau make out, quit sekolah, minta kawin. jangan buat emosi guru terganggu.

ibu bapa, sila pantau anak anda. beri pendidikan seks sewajar nya.

kawinan

Pn.Suhana, Pn.Ziemah. Pn.Harny, Pn. Maya, soon to be Pn.Rusni.

semalam saya attend wedding reception classmate masa form 6 dulu. she turns out teaching at the next door school. saya pergi bersama Pn.Harny dan keluarga. pelik rasa lidah bila sebut puan Harny. haha. di sana saya ketemu ramai teman lama. mostly sudah bergelar puan. ada yang membawa anak. bawa perut. bawa bakal suami. saya saja datang keseorangan. tapi tidak kisah juga. saya suka bila di kelilingi wanita-wanita bahagia seperti mereka. komen pertama saya ketika berjumpa puan Ziemah: "handsome laki kau". dia ketawa. anak perempuan nya juga comel.
bersama mereka malam itu membuat saya rasa begitu muda. tidak banyak yang berubah. sifat dan sikap mereka masih seperti dulu. cara juga sama. cuma sekali sekala perhatian mereka di alih kan pada kehendak suami atau rengekan anak. saya tersenyum. kata teman-teman saya langsung tidak berubah. masih seperti dulu. lucu dan lucah dan suka ikut kepala sendiri. ya teman-teman, saya masih baik seperti dulu. dan comel. ketika bersalaman dengan pengantin, dia bertanya kan H. saya bingung. rasa macam bodoh seketika. tidak ada jawapan yang relevant dengan situasi kami. saya bilang "siapa mau jaga anak-anak nya kalau dia ikut ke mari". rasa pelik sedikit bila mana hidup saya sering di kait kan dengan nama nya. macam sinonim pula. semua nya gara-gara puan harny. saya faham dia cuma mau saya bahagia.
all of this suddenly remind me of K. siapa sangka takdir Tuhan.

lelaki sekali-sekala merajuk, comel berabis ni. tapi bingung sebab tidak tau cara pujuk orang yang jarang merajuk. saya lemah bab ini..;(

turn

i don't know how my McDreamy turn to McSteamy.
this totally ain't cool and might lead to something bad.

that secret glance. that secret smile.
i'd rather die with excitement.

it's like gravity- kata Jacob Black

dengar 81 juta kali pun boleh tidak bosan.
macam first time dengar.
dan sudah hafal lirik dan boleh nyanyi sekuat hati time driving.
heran macam mana rasa itu boleh sama.
mungkin ka Sara Bareilles juga pernah cinta satu lelaki lama-lama?
atau mungkin juga dia selalu jatuh hati berkali-kali dengan lelaki yang sama?
atau ka dia sebodoh saya?

life

he write again. i shouldn't ask for more. i just wish he continue writing. cause at least he gives me a reason to at least do something. read.

when i was in shower just now, my mind suddenly brought me back where i left of. Ramadhan 09. and i cried a little bit. hurts.

i learn not to trust every word from him. cause i should know better what kind of guy he is. the kind of which will pop up the moment you never thought he would. and just like that he's gone. and not to reply him is the wisest choice. good.

my tailor cum aunt is sick until now. so i sent my baju batik to someone here in bukit garam. now i'm going to wear a short kain for the rest of my life. shouldn't blame her. it's my fault for having this fat ass. sucks.

i watch vampire diaries season 3 again today. should find something else to occupy myself from all this vampire thingy. i just couldn't get Damon's hot body from my mind. that beautifully shape wings. that long torso. the not so chesty chest. that naughty smirk. that sexy eye rolling. massive.

novocaine

it was always you.
it will always you.
cause i'll wait in the rain for you.

figuratively

simple yet meaningful.

mengena ni.

i met a guy, we talked and it was epic

i texted him saying how good looking he was that day.
and the next day he wore that checkered shirt that always drives me crazy.
as if he purposely torturing me.

H.

the air i breathe

you're a lonely soul
cause you won't let go
of anything you hold.

dirty laundry

i sometimes love to wear the only K's shirt that i owned. it gives me some kind of indescribable feeling whenever i wear it. feels like home. i love the fresh smell especially when i just took it out from my drawer. it reminds me of his smell. he always has this fresh laundry smell when we hang out at home. that's the reason why i never change my detergent. i want to keep that smell in my memory. it reminds me of before. it reminds me what it feels like to be in a relationship with human being. something that i tend to forget how lately.

things are getting worse between orca and me. i maybe look like the happiest one at my work place. i laugh like i'm having the most awesome life. i smile 'like' sincerely. but once i'm with orca, different things happen. i start making love with him. riding him fast. being a maniac. being a moron. a jerk to him. i love to listen to music loudly. singing like no one can hear me. duh...literally. who can hear me sing in my car.

why do i feel this way? like i have the world on my shoulder and i don't know how to get rid of it. i haven't cried for quite some time. i slowly torn inside.

when can K become H?

or

when can H become mr.H?

another productive day

if we're not stuck with the vampire, we enter the world of magic. i find that strong headed self-centered arrogant brat, Prince Arthur, fascinating with his smirk and sarcastic comment towards Merlin. and he looks dashing in his knight wear. he reminds me of James Franco in Tristan and Isolde.

and i'm trying to finish The Choice by Nicholas Sparks by tonight cause according to my plan, i'm going to finish my exam paper this weekend. as far as i'm concern, i haven't done anything related to school.

did i mention i took a nap every one hour since morning?

you, 

listen to the track when they were making love during the honeymoon.

one

one did not realize that one is gay until someone knock some sense to one's head.

dazzled

i watched twilight series again. i just noticed that Edward Cullen prefer to wear brown leather shoes compare to the black one. it just give him extra bonus for uniqueness. as far as i know, brown leather is the least favourite among guys.

p/s: you, please wear your not-so-new brown shoes to school every day.

don't ever open your cross-legged

i think every concern mum will say this words to her beautiful girl and she will remind her about this until she's getting hitched. i guess so. even when i'm on phone call with mum now she likes to end up our conversation with "jangan nakal-nakal meng". and the message is clear enough to me. there's things that i have to take care of.

it's actually surprised me to know that some of my kids did make love to each other. i shouldn't say make love cause i'm sure there's no love there but lust. what the hell did they think? in this age they supposed to be stuck in library reading all the Blyton's work. or dream about guy as gallant as Rudolf Rassendyll who helped Princess Flavia from the villain trying to kill her fiance. you can do so many things other than exploring each other's body. you'll have plenty of time for it later when you are old enough to be wedded to someone your heart desire. i don't know should i call the girls stupid or whore or whatever that suit them. how come they be so easy to give their virtue to someone as young as them. i'm not talking about the first or second base. but this include penetration and orgasm where they're faced the risk of early pregnancy, STD and whatever issue that might occur later. how can they be this shallow. why can't you think that if he can do such things to you, he might as well do it to someone else. and what makes you think that you're the first one? if he dare to make the first move, i'm sure he has experienced it with someone else before you. if he loved or respected you enough, he won't touch you. not even dare to put his lips on your lips. trust me. even me as a girl, is not dare to touch someone i love mostly. i put a gap between us cause i want it to be special when the time comes someday. don't you want your first time to be very special? to be in the halal way. we have our religion as our guidelines. but it seems like you forget about it. i know in this age everything look so right and challenging to you. you want to try every single thing that people said will give you pleasure. why don't you channel this enthusiasm to something positive? try to fulfil other curiosity. not necessary that part. i'm sure you have a lot of things in your mind. you are young. there's so many things to explore out there. boys, don't ruin your girl if you don't want to be ruined someday. i know that thing is a lot easier on your side. but think about the girls in your family every time you decide to do something stupid to other girl. the moment you put your sword to someone cunt, i'm sure someone else will do the same to your sisters. if you want it not to happen, DON'T EVER DARE TOUCH SOMEONE's GIRL. you will have beautiful girl someday. i'm sure you don't want your pretty girl to lose her virginity at the age as young as 13, right?

i've seen this world longer than you. i've been in a relationship with the same guy for almost five years. if i can control myself, why can't you? if i can wait until right now, why can't you? if i can keep it for the right and legal one, why can't you? life is no different then and now. love yourself. stay virgin. think about the future.

embrace what the mother nature gives you

bought a new bra. it reminds me of the girl in The Devil Wears Prada. remember the girl who get ready for work at the starting? it is something like that. sexy and comfortable for work. who care what i wear inside? i care. to me bra is an essential things that we need to take care of. it supposed to give you fully support and boost up your confident level.

i have women talk with the girls last friday. we talked so many things. from books to movies to Edward to beauty regime. it's hard to be a girl. i'm not complaining. it's just there's so many things that we need to take care of. the skin, you have to keep it moisture and fresh. then need to prevent the wrinkle from coming. have to tone the abs. make sure the arms and feet stay lean. maintain the weight. the most important thing is to keep the boobs and booty firm. it's the hardest part. it is really nice to see a healthy bouncing bosom. but it takes a lot to keep it bounce in the right way. and the booty, make sure it stay firm until you have 3 kids. how? work out. move that lazy ass. eat right way. don't forget the supplement. do your own massage in the bathroom. scrub thrice a week. treat yourself like a princess. that's what i do..;)

it's really hard when you have body like mine. i easily gain and loss weight. if i'm not taking care of it, i'll end up look like a monster with a flabby belly. the weirdest part right now is i lost weight but my breast screaming for cup resizing..^^"

i won't say i'm on diet right now. i decided to do my body. muscle up certain part. tone here and there. i actually craving for Bella's body. according to budak kecik, after i skinny up my body, i should learn to do the expressionless look like Kristen Stewart in Twilight and trying not to smile a lot. smile only to him. start being goofy. i shall do that. hehe.

p/s: it really nice to finally have someone who you can discuss a new novel with. jump with happiness!!!

i just can't stop thinking about Edward in breaking dawn when he wear boxer during the honeymoon. top it with his grunt that sounds like sexual moan. yummy!!!

flightless bird

i'm nothing if not traditional.

i've waited a hundred years

but i'd wait a million more for you

nothing prepared me for

what a privilege being yours would do

if i had only felt the warmth within your touch

if i had only seen how you smile when you blush

or how you curl your lip when you concentrate enough

i would have known what i was living for all along

what i've been living for

your love is my turning page

where only the sweetest words remain

every kiss is a cursive line

every touch is redefining phrase

i surrender who i've been for who you are

for nothing makes me stronger than your fragile heart

if i had only felt how it feels to be yours

well, i would have known what i've been living for all along

what i've been living for

though we're tethered to the story we must tell

when i saw you, i knew we'd tell it well

with a whisper, we will tame the vicious seas

like a feather bringing kingdoms to their knees.

it's amazing to meet someone who you can bare your soul to and still accept you for who you are. it worth the wait no matter how long.

2 lines appeared

i just received this good news from my long distance friend. having adam alone, already make me envy every time i look at his photo. and now she's having another one. aren't people sometimes blessed more?

when is my turn? i can't wait to play dress up with mine. i'll trade the world just to have mini him inside my belly. Allah, please...please...please...

p/s: if you asked what kind of girl i am, i can only say "i am the kind of girl who read Reader's Digest while filtering drinking water in the kitchen". so you decide.

keep bleeding, keep keep bleeding love

this period cramps.

this swinging mood.

this hormonal phase.

in a time like this, i hate being a woman so much.

why can't we have something much pleasure like wet dream???

the open button collar and the hands in his pocket

"i'd rather die of excitement"

The Romantics

she: you inspired me.

he: you inspired me too.

she: then we were supposed to be together.

he: i know.

she: i'm gonna go and i'm gonna tell everyone that you're okay.

he: but i'm not. i'm not okay.

she: you chose this.

you know i'm trying to change this feelings. i've done everything. other guys, other, other, other toms, other jobs, and they say that it gets easier with times, but it doesn't!!!

if anything the more time passes, the more i miss you.

i promise tonight is the last time i watch this movie. i promise not to repeat my favourite scene. i promise not to listen to the ost everytime i'm driving. i promise to break all my promises.

fashion police

tidak sabar mau ada husband sebab mau atur baju dia tiap waktu.

mau tengok dia pakai checkered shirt.

mau beli baju galang untuk dia.

mau tolong bawa seluar dia alter jadi slim cut pants.

mau pilih boardshort sexy untuk dia.

mau cari shirt Qs yang serius gila fit nice di badan nya.

mau make sure dia update dengan fesyen terkini.

mengikut taste saya yang tidak seberapa best ni.

work attire: seed, padini or g2000. paling semmart gila cutting nya baik seluar mau pun kemeja.

checkered shirt yang bole di guna untuk santai dan majlis separa formal: Qs or pdi.

jeans: levi's, gap, cK or ripcurl.

shirt bodoh-bodoh: Qs, cK or billabong.

p/s: sedang gerigitan surfing fesyen lelaki. teringat kemeja bonia pink K yang dia selalu terpaksa pakai sebab pembeli nya beli ikut suka hati nya. sumpah dia lah makhluk Tuhan paling sexy bila pakai baju tu. dia pakai lagi ka sekarang? kalau tengok dia pakai baju tu, maybe boleh meroyan jatuh cinta sekali lagi kali.

ya. begini la kalau terlalu lama menyingle kan diri.

shopping baju lelaki seribu kali lagi best dari shopping baju sendiri sebab lelaki lebih banyak pilihan tapi dorang bangang dan perasan choosy.

lagu best sekarang: we can't be friends by lorene scafaria. it's not about the lyrics. it's more to my obsession for The Romantics and Josh Duhamel..;p

actually it's more to the lyrics especially the part where she said "i wanna be your kind, i wanna make your bed". yeah, i wanna make your bed cause seriously that blue polka dot bed sheet is too gay for you!!! i kid. but i prefer the white one. the unique flowery one.

my heart is a piece of wood

why do you have to listen to him?

why wait for his words?

why only him can make you see the real thing?

why only him can sooth the anger inside?

why?

perhaps one day if he asked you to marry someone else, you should consider to listen to him too.

it doesn't bring any pleasure to this guilt

i easily feel guilty over something.

but it's just a feeling that i have since forever.

guilty doesn't make me a better person who will try so hard to run away from it.

i wont try to fix it or whatever.

i feel guilty a lot lately.

i feel guilty for not going home this school hols.

i just love my house so much i couldn't bring myself to leave it.

i feel guilty to my body for not eating healthily and letting my mind not working properly.

i feel guilty to everyone for not giving them attention they deserved.

i feel guilty to myself for keeping things and stop expressing the way i used to do.

i feel guilty to my heart for torturing it so much i couldn't breath sometimes.

mostly, i feel guilty to the Almighty for not waking up immediately every time i hear the Subuh call.

what hurt the most is i never take an effort to fix all of this guilt. i just remain my stupid emotionless self who keep pretending everyday that everything is going to be okay in the end. honestly, i feel like a loser sometimes. like a moron who doesn't deserved to get the best thing in life. like a jackass who is not worth a single penny. i miss me. i miss the real me who keep hiding behind this jerk with her attitudinal problem. grow up, zila!!! in the end it's going to be you alone against the world.

p/s: i've been spending my days here peeping through my window to see that handsome jeep of my neighbour. i don't know who's the owner. all i care is how macho that red jeep parking there smiling at me with his perfect teeth and thin lips. it's not actually a Jeep jeep. it is an old Land Drover that we called jeep. i always dream to drive one of its kind. perhaps one day i'll spend all my saving to buy that lil thingy and modify it as my heart desire. yeah, it's free to dream.

museum of innocence

i don't know where to begin with this story. i just love everything about it. from kemal and fusun. then kemal and sibel. it's not about obsession. it's about reminiscing the good all days. i don't know. i see myself as kemal most of the time. it's really hard to be in his shoes. having a fling with the woman he loves the most but engaged to someone else that he didn't intend to hurt. i love the way he makes fusun feel. i love the way he describes fusun's smell. what kind of guy who describes a girl's smell as "combination of children biscuits and burnt caramel". can you imagine how sweet the smell is? until right now i still look for that smell every time i enter bakery shop or chocolate house. i love the way they make love to each other. i love the way he suffered when fusun left. i love how he keep fusun's things. i love how he used to come to fusun's family house to have dinner and stealing their things. i love the idea of him creating a museum to keep all his memory with fusun. how crazy it is to even keep a ruler that fusun used to use when kemal tutoring her maths. and then how cute it is to keep sniffing it 24/7 when fusun left. i know it's insane and so very illogical. but i don't care. love is insane. there's no right or wrong when it comes to love. no one put any rules that one should follow when they're in love. people just follow their heart. i love how Pamuk describes their love making session. not too much not too little. it's not like you're reading one of Robert's art of romance but still it gives you pleasure by imagining how sensual it is but not in erotic way. i know i should stop. luckily, it's only in the first part of the book. or else, i will call daddy to give him green light to accept any proposal come. hehe.

still, i wish the story won't end. i'm thinking of reread this book when i really have time.

p/s: perhaps i should start to sniff my marker pen that he borrowed last week. or keep all his food case in my museum. hehe.

i'm actually listening to Candy Shop by Dan Finnerty. can't get enough of how cute this song is.

fetish 2

pesanan teman jauh : stop smelling guy's odour. bila mau berubah? please behave, lala.

dia tidak tau. even a 15 years old boy pun saya curi-curi sniff. ini kan pula lelaki dewasa yang sungguh sangat sedap bau nya.

hanya akan stop bila ada bau yang dapat sniff tiap waktu.

p/s: lately, halifax dengan sandakan rasa macam bersebelah ja.

rasa macam 2006 semula

mau jual kidney atau juga hati, jantung, kaki, tangan atau apa saja sebab ada dua saman baru di terima.

1. saman lesen.

2. saman speed trap.

sungguh berezeki bulan ini.

kalau ada siapa-siapa berminat untuk beli baju terpakai, sila contact saya. mau jual baju mostly by Mango yang mungkin tidak akan pernah di guna pakai akibat kesendatan, lekat, ketat dan meliut. ada juga dari Mod House.

sedang berusaha mengganti kan nya dengan sesuatu yang lebih decent but still from Mango. saya patut tukar kerjaya yang starting gaji bermula dengan angka 4 kalau begini. bisa kuyak di buat nya. mari makan pasir untuk sebulan mendatang.

ok bye.

mau tidur dan mimpi pregnant. orang bilang itu tanda nya mau ada rezeki yang datang.

p/s: nadiah dan jerry, sila berhenti ketawa kan saya. kalau saja kamu di tempat saya, pasti mau ketuk kepala nazran sebab sial sangat.

i swallowed the key to my heart

there is this guy whom i met last december in kK. he is actually one of my clan back in uni life. we used to hang out together. in fact we used to be close. like real close. we used to entertain him on his rebound phase after been cheated by one of our girlfriend. he is a really nice guy. in scale 1-10, i can give him 9 or maybe 10.

he asked me out that time but i'm too lazy to make time for anyone but myself. i'm engaged to family matters and couldn't find the right moment to go out with him. since then we keep in touch. texting and phone call. i must say it's more to him trying to reach me cause i never text him first. and it took 5 calls before i pick it up. it's not like i'm being mean or whatever. i just don't want to have any contact from anyone in my previous life. life was so fucking awesome and sinful that time. i don't need a person who keep remind me of it. it's not like we talk about it. it's just whenever we talk, we always bring something from behind here and there. i maybe laugh at that time, but once he hung up, i curse every conversation we just made. talking about life and everything. friends and families.

he rang me on sunday afternoon when i was in kK. so i picked it up and he asked me to go out for a dinner. i'm not really in the mood to meet people so i turned him down by saying i'm with some friends. but then when i was having dinner with my friends, he rang again inviting me for dinner. after been forced by my friends i said yes. so we went out.

he fetched me at the hotel and we have our dinner somewhere. i was actually texting with someone else for the rest of our dinner. i'm not paying much attention to him but i was shocked when he suddenly confess his feeling to me. he ruined the night and i insisted him to send me back to the hotel. the rest of the night is disaster to me. i should have thought that the night is meant something to him. right from the moment i enter his car, i know something wasn't right. he is too formal and too charming and all that. i know he's trying to impress me. but i always make myself clear in every conversation we made that i'm sort of having unresolved feeling with someone here. when he send me back to the hotel, before i went out, he said "kita steady la. sa benci life sa sekarang ni. rasa macam mau mati ja". the die part i can never forget cause i giggled when i heard it. then i said "kita different sudah. at least aku yang berubah. i'm not looking for relationship but more to something serious". he asked "kau mau kawin?". i said "ya. aku penat sudah mau jadi macam dulu. kalau kau benci life kau sekarang, kau suru family kau cari perempuan untuk kau. kawin". then i left. he text me that night asking me to give him a chance but i didn't replied it. i deleted all his texts and i come back to Bukit Garam acting like nothing happen on the weekend. i regretted saying yes to his invitation. now i lost another great friend.

hati saya gering dan penawar nya hanya pada dia.

anugerah

esok pagi perlu ke bandar. mau beli hadiah dan sijil penghargaan.

selaku AJK Hadiah dan Cenderahati, ramai yang perlu di anugerahi.

tapi sebelum itu saya mau menganugerah kan sekalung penghargaan buat diri saya atas beberapa sebab tertentu. antara nya:

1. pemerhati terhebat.

2. dapat melaksana kan tugas yang begitu penuh keayuan- sungguh bukan diri saya.

3. menyertai pertandingan tarik tali.

4. maintain vogue sepanjang acara, saya serius mati tarik tali kuat-kuat sebab mau menang.

5. pura-pura cover sakit lecet tangan dengan senyum palsu.

6. sore eyes dan muka bengkak tiap malam.

7. jadi keling.

8. dua kali menang milo untuk kuiz guru.

pihak penganjur perlu buat post mortem kali lepas temasya ni. banyak yang mau di sembur. kesian ramai yang jadi mangsa. sesungguh nya orang yang sabar itu lebar jalan nya. kalau mau lagi best, kau tunggu ja nanti di sana. boleh tarik kaki nya yang sebelah andai sebelah lagi sudah cecah nirvana.

ok bye.

mau mandi untuk kesekian kali nya hari ini.

mulus kulit saya tidak menghalang saya untuk berbau lumpur bersama anak-anak di padang

mau beli button fly boyfriend jeans supaya senang kerja dalam toilet. hanya perlu tarik terus ja. tidak perlu susah-susah kasi unzip.

then kasi kurang sikit ni muffin supaya boleh tuck in kemeja dalam itu boyfriend jeans macam katherine heigl selalu buat dalam Life As We Know It.

cukup!!!

mau sambung mengata cerca orang yang tidak buat kerja time sukan. Allah bukan tanya tanggungjawab ibadah kau ja. tapi juga tanggungjawab atas tugas-tugas kau di sekolah. kau kan sama makan gaji dengan kami yang comel dan rajin ni.

ok bye.

jumpa di pintu syurga nanti.

madness

i don't know what's with me lately. i tend to have different idea about things. i have a slip of tongue here and there and i don't know where my mind brought me most of the time.

for instance, i actually want to say "gali parit" but it turned out "gali kubur".

and few days ago when budak kecik and me torn between want to cook ayam masak kicap or ayam masak merah, she asked me why i love ayam masak kicap so much. i don't really have the answer so i said "arwah Khairul dulu pun suka" when i'm trying to say "khairul dulu pun suka ayam masak kicap". i didn't mean anything. but at that moment i thought he no longer in my life and that makes he no longer exist. so the "arwah" words just slip from my mouth. i feel terrible after that. i didn't mean that way. i'm not trying to curse him nor praying for bad things happen to him. i'm not that cruel.

you know that i'm good in making people invisible in front of me. lately i've done it too often. to a lot of people. to a lot of phone call. i heard my phone ringing and i know who's the caller. and i purposely did not pick it up. it's wrong. it's bad. it's too much. what if they called for something important? i might miss it.

i've been listening to the same song while driving. it's actually nothing. i just accidentally hit the "come around soon" by sara bareilles and i'm too lazy to change it. i didn't realize i have listen to it for a week now until i can memorised the lines. people said that your music define who you are. i guess i'm waiting for him to come around soon every time i hear the song. Lord, i just love waiting.

i washed my hair today after didn't wash it since monday. thank God i have this silky hair who never give me smell problem. it always smell the same no matter how long i did not wash it. i feel so blessed. it's getting longer and i like it but it didn't give me enough reason to brush it everyday like normal people. i only brush it whenever i want to feel princess like.

i'm having movie marathon since thursday. i watched a lot of crappy love story from Bridesmaids to When in Rome. now my mind full with this shitty idea about love. i just wish i have someone to share it with. not to share the lovey dovey part but more to discuss the idea of love. how sometimes people being insensible towards it. or i just want to know what is his idea of love. because to me love is when you sit together doing nothing, starring into each other eyes but still feel happy. i lied. that's not my idea of love. to me, love is holding hands in bed and lie still. yeah i lied again. love is starring at him without his aware. love is when you enjoy his smell and his present. love is when you smile whenever you see him smile. love is when you eavesdropping when he's teaching at the next door class. love is when you have "kids, cute alert" moment. love is when you're in love with the same person with no progress for a long time. love is when you turn down better guys for one person. love is madness and i'm the loco. love is stupid and i'm the idiot. love is torture and i'm the hurt one.