but it's just a feeling that i have since forever.
guilty doesn't make me a better person who will try so hard to run away from it.
i wont try to fix it or whatever.
i feel guilty a lot lately.
i feel guilty for not going home this school hols.
i just love my house so much i couldn't bring myself to leave it.
i feel guilty to my body for not eating healthily and letting my mind not working properly.
i feel guilty to everyone for not giving them attention they deserved.
i feel guilty to myself for keeping things and stop expressing the way i used to do.
i feel guilty to my heart for torturing it so much i couldn't breath sometimes.
mostly, i feel guilty to the Almighty for not waking up immediately every time i hear the Subuh call.
what hurt the most is i never take an effort to fix all of this guilt. i just remain my stupid emotionless self who keep pretending everyday that everything is going to be okay in the end. honestly, i feel like a loser sometimes. like a moron who doesn't deserved to get the best thing in life. like a jackass who is not worth a single penny. i miss me. i miss the real me who keep hiding behind this jerk with her attitudinal problem. grow up, zila!!! in the end it's going to be you alone against the world.
p/s: i've been spending my days here peeping through my window to see that handsome jeep of my neighbour. i don't know who's the owner. all i care is how macho that red jeep parking there smiling at me with his perfect teeth and thin lips. it's not actually a Jeep jeep. it is an old Land Drover that we called jeep. i always dream to drive one of its kind. perhaps one day i'll spend all my saving to buy that lil thingy and modify it as my heart desire. yeah, it's free to dream.
