the hard one

i'm trying so hard to control everything that happened around me. i tried to control my emotion. i tried to control the consequences of my action. of every decision i made. i'm not waiting for the person anymore. i'm done. though i have no idea what my future looks like right now, one thing for sure, he is not in it. not even you. i'm tired torn between two guys who loved me so much and whom i loved so much. it just got me no where. in the end i will never choose any of them. cause i know i can't be with the one who wanted me. let alone be the one with whom i wanted. everything went wrong. nothing easy. i hummed Sunday Morning by Maroon 5 every fucking single morning in shower and while driving to work. i tried to pull myself back together. to try to love what i used to enjoy doing but it seems so impossible. deep inside me, i feel empty. i'm just a piece of meat and some saturated fat that i worked hard to get rid off. i'm soulless.

a friend once said that it is not other people who have problem. it is me. because i will never like something which run smoothly from the beginning. i prefer thing that isn't meant for me. it excites me because i knew from the beginning it's never going to work. i'm a commitment freak. i have a problem to commit myself into something real. something serious. i refused to tolerance and sacrifice myself for the sake of something beautiful. the truth is i'm not ready. and i will never be ready. cause what i've been seeking all my life is not real. it is just some illustration i put in my mind hoping that it will be real one fine day. i'm looking for someone exactly like me. i'm actually in love with  myself so much i expect to fall for someone like me. and the chances for it to happen is almost zero. not in a million years.

the golden crown that makes a man a king

God's cruellest joke on women

too bad this guy is strictly dickly

me: can't stop thinking about matt bomer's nice body, nice ass and everything. keep repeating the clip.

he: what do you usually do when you're horny?

me: nothing. maybe wearing K's shirt sometimes.

he: why? 

me: it feels like i'm in his warm embrace.

he: i should give you mine.

me: you should find me bomer instead.

royal pains

"why now? why not before?", he asked.

"because finally everyone stop trying so hard", she said.
"to be honest, i like things right now. no one knows what's going on between us. you're happy and i'm happy", she added.

"but i'm not happy right now. i'm suffering. i don't want this. i want more", he replied.

"don't. don't ruin this. i like how thing is right now. no commitment. no strings attached", she said.

"you really like this strings thingy, aren't you? one day i'm going to make sure you get tangle in it", he said.

boredom

social apps really help to connect people.

me: school bored me. texting with nj just now.
G: about?
me: hot steamy sex in cold weather. she misses jerr.
G: then?
me: nothing. macam nice. cuddle inside the blanket.
G: no. have sex under it for 2-3 hours. teori 11 minutes coelho silap. i can go further.
me: mygod!!! G baca coelho?
G: patterson, stephen kings and yada, yada, yada.
me: you never say anything before.
shit. i really wish i have hubby teaching in the same school.
G: you never ask. why?
me: mau sneak to the lab la. macam dalam Grey's Anatomy.
G: dulu ajak kawin, jual mahal.
me: you're not teaching pun. you're not even here.
G: still.
me: kalau ajak sekarang pun, the answer still be no.
not because you're married or what.
G: ya ya ya. because of H. i really wish to meet this guy.
me: tengok ja frodo.
 lapar. mau pigi kantin. kbye.

then that night i received a text from him saying "i really wish we could turn back time. i'm going to make you fall for me. hard". and it makes me thinking. a lot. i come to a conclusion. buta mata hati.

vacant

have you ever felt so empty inside until you don't even know what to ask from God in your prayer?
it's weird. the feeling is so indescribable. like you are not part of human being. that's how i feel lately. somehow it brings smile on my face. the real smile. finally to be free from things that tying you for years and years of living. it's like a huge burden being lift up from your shoulder and you can breath easily. but when you look from the other side, you'll be surprised how ugly it is actually.

perhaps i should ask for curl hair and white shirt.