Wednesday, October 30, 2013

fragile

At this point, everything can actually break me. Family relation, friendship, relationship. I need to be strong, not for anyone, but for my dying soul. I'm not even sure what i want. I just let others decide for me. I let every single person in my life to take control of it. I let vapid people to criticise, laugh, even talk bad things about me right before my naked eyes. I don't mind at all. I really don't mind. Do whatever you want. Say whatever your heart desire. Because in the end, I know who's the Saint and who's the Satan. And the irony, I'm both. Yeah baby yeah. No baby no.

Monday, October 21, 2013

still struggling

i was having bad fever last week since tuesday night. so i decided to go home so someone can take care of me while i'm in my full-of-shit mood. what i love the most about being sick at home is because my dad really knows how to take care of me. he made the most delicious comfort food and a glass of hot milk for his sick baby girl. life is totally heaven at home. he even hand fan me in the middle of the night when black-out happened. oooohhh...i love you, daddy.
i've spent too much time at home and i realized few sad things about my dad since mum left. i noticed he only used one side of the bed. when i asked him why, he simply said that it is my mum's side and it supposed to remain like that even when she's no longer around. i cried and said he supposed to change side sometimes so that the bed will look even. he just give me an empty smile. we spent most of our nights watching nat geo or some tennis tournament. i'm glad for i have a chance to do this more with him. i know he misses her. i miss her so much too. we still can feel her present around the house. life is hard.

it will be her 100th day this 24th oct. please protect her, Dear Allah.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

my heart is an empty room

in a time like this, a girl will always turn to her mother to seek for advice and tlc. but mine is no longer here. that just double the pain. please give me Mary's strength to face it. that's all i'm asking.

on the contrary, i feel so blessed. so blessed. Alhamdulillah.