kinky me

apparently today is the last day of staying home. going back to bitter reality tomorrow. boy, i hate school so much i feel like want to explode every time i think about it. went back to home town last week but i was home since yesterday. i need to be well-rested a day before school started. been spending my holiday by reading lots of books actually. went out almost everyday. avoiding things at home. life's hard.
as the thing with him, it was quite a challenge for us both. we have many first time things during the holiday. first time big argument. first time this and that. first time everything. i just couldn't believe, he of all people was actually against my interest of reading. not really by the act. it's just the material that i'm indulge myself into lately that made him furious. this is what he said when he found out about it.

he: you shouldn't read that kind of book. you know it's unhealthy, rabbit.
me: what's unhealthy about erotic romance?
he: you know it better that anyone. it's not even literature to me.
me: why? because you think i'm a bimbo for reading it? that i'm not smart enough to handle serious reading material? bla...bla...bla...(immature blabbing)
he: don't be ridiculous. it's not like that.
me: then what?
he: i'm afraid i'm not up to your expectation once we get together later.
me: what do you mean?
he: i might not be able to have your little fantasy of having sex with that heroic megalomaniac bastard from the book.

(i was actually laughing my arse out reading his text that time. but i got his point. he just forgot that i'm also realistic. i won't expect more from a malay guy though i don't consider himself malay regarding his background and life surrounding. still i replied him with...)

me: i don't expect you to be them. as long as you can take me anywhere i want, like on the kitchen counter, in the lift, inside your car, in the bathroom, keep me sated with your techniques, i'm okay.
he: wow, rabbit. see...kinky.
me: then if you fail to satisfy me, we can always threesome with b.o.b. hahahaha.

i don't know why we even discussing this. it is still long way to go before we heading that point. i'm just not ready to talk about any future with him. i like things the way it is now or as they said, carpe diem. hehe.
i was exhausted with many dramas lately. so when i reached home yesterday, i headed straight to long shower. shaved myself and clean everything. it's really refreshing. i wonder why i can't do thar at my parents place. hmmm. later last night, he asked me to video talking with him cause he wanted to show me something. turned out he just wanted to sing toxic for me. he really look cute wearing his pyjama bottom dancing like 15 years old  kid in love. gosh, i don't know how long i can keep up in this relationship. longer i bet if he quit asking for more.

specky

i finally got myself a glasses for my reading and night driving. then i sent a picture of me in glasses to him. i expected he will comment that i look smarter and more mature with my serious teacher look. instead of that,
he: i like specky you, rabbit. look very kinky.
me: WTF!!!
he: why?
me: not really something i want to hear. i expect something positive and decent.
he: what more decent to describe your Prof look than kinky?

this guy is totally impossible.

two stupid people

he: what are you doing?
me: watching matt bomer on youtube. you?
he: again? don't you have any better thing to do?
me: like what?
he: preparing for work tomorrow. i'm sure you have tons of work to do, right?
me: wait after i finish download john legend's song. what are you doing?
he: you listen to him? since when?
me: yeah. since i fall for his PDA. why?
he: i like him. just that.
me: what are you doing?
he: i wish we can PDA. i just want to show everyone that you're finally mine.
me: you are totally impossible, did you know that?
he: why? what's wrong?
me: i asked what you are doing three times and you haven't told me. you just keep blabbering again and again. you pissed me now. i'm signing off.
he: hehehehehe. i'm reading bah, rabbit. show me your piss off face. faster.
me: unbearably impossible. buku apa?
he: cosmopolis by don delillo.
me: gosh...i lala you.
he: come again, rabbit. ooo you mean you love me?
me: nothing. now tell me about your weekend.

i'm in lala with you, little Englishman. why? because you read. then you keep surprising me with all the things that i found out about you. and because we both have eclectic choice of everything. because we are two stupid people who caught up in this ugly yet cute circumstance.

no one said it was easy

i'm not really scare about what happened on us in here lately. i mean i am scare a bit. just not that deadly scare because somehow i knew they will protect and put our safety as their priority. and that's what they do to us now. thanks you so much to our ranks of army and police officers. but we've been in this cautious mode since last week. it actually made me feel trapped. the feeling of locked in the house and unable to go out from this place is totally unbearable. i tried to keep myself positive. then two nights ago, out of the blue they blackouted my place. i was asleep at that time. but when i open my eyes, i saw darkness. i can't breath and i'm suffocated. i was claustrophobic since i was little. i start to call my housemate. luckily she's up. it took a while for me to calm down. i knew that moment i may get panic attack and it may turn ugly. then everything back to normal. i texted him telling about the incident. he was so worried and i have to calm him. then yesterday evening he called. it's been awhile since the last one. i don't usually pick up his call since i prefer our so-called textual relationship. but i feel so alone in this place, in this situation and i don't want to make him worry worse. so i picked it up after 3 missed calls. we talked for a while. he asked how was everything here and i briefed him about everything. it feels so weird at first. then i said i'm so not good in this phone call thing with the loved ones. he said it's okay. i'm not so bad for the first timer after a very long vacation. i'll get through this if i often pick up his call in the future. i laughed. i found it funny. it makes me wonder how we are going to talk in person later. i also found a bit odd about our discourse. we chose english as our first language in texting since it is more simple. during phone call, we actually speak in english and standard malay. it just makes me wonder how come we never speak in our mother tongue since both of us are fluent in it. i try to explore things slowly. learn one step at a time if i really want to make this works. i know it never easy. but the beginning is always the hardest part. we'll get through it eventually. whatever it is, we'll see how far things go from here.

yeah, i actually like this guy more than i like The Zahir by Paolo Coelho. and i seriously need glasses right now or i shall say goodbye to reading and night drive.

little pirate and englishman

me: how does everyone know about us in the first place? i thought we've been discreet about it.
he: i don't know. maybe i keep showing off my loon love face.
me: what kind of face is that?
he: like the one i sent to you last thursday.
me: it's not even your face in that video, silly. it's just your fingers in that black and white keys and your off tune singing.
he: i thought you have a thing with musician finger.
me: i am. but you just ruined my favourite song by doing that awful rendition.
he: then i should send you a video of me in the office.
me: and why is that?
he: because i'm more handsome when i'm busy working.
me: you're impossible!!!
he: you still want me.
me: no, i'm not.
he: ouchie, rabbit. you break my heart into a million pieces.
me: great!!! then we can share it with everyone. hehe.

gtalk gave you many good things. one of it is it will auto delete your conversation. that's why i like to blog my conversation with him. to keep it in my repository. therefore, lately my entry full with this weird conversation between me and him.
having a fling with someone attached always have the ups and downs. i like to enjoy it to the fullest while it last. i know this is crazy but i think i'm ok with it. i like how it never promised me a thing from the beginning. just the current happiness. i learn to accept everything. learn the rules. learn the routine. learn to share his time. and as hard as i try to deny thing between us, i actually like this guy more than i like green tea and organic drinks. more than i like books in fact.

having a relationship with someone who's attached does not make you a whore. but still it makes you feel a little bit like a bitch. or a slut. or a skank. but who cares. as long as you're happy. frankly, it's like a pirate who already own a ship but still insist to invade other's ship.

quixotic englishman

he: are you happy now? with me?
me: i don't see us as an item. but i do feel happy in certain way.
he: you cannot say that you're happy without expecting me to be lovestoned by you.
me: lovestoned? are you on drugs or something?
he: this is my attempt to be romantic. give me some credit please.
me: sloppy!!!

this, somehow bring a smile to my boring weekend.

englishman in jesselton

he: favourite music?
me: concerto in D minor by Bach. you?
he: a lot but i like anything from Sting mostly.
me: gosh!!! you're so old.
he: and you're ancient, madame. who listen to Bach now?
me: hey!!! it gives me the lonesome mood to read.
talking about reading, need to finish this one before the holiday.
talk to you later.
he: just don't stay late. you have to work tomorrow. night, rabbit.
me: i'm not your pet.
he: you refused to be my mrs. i can pet you.
me: you are so impossible!!!

the golden crown that makes a man a king

God's cruellest joke on women

too bad this guy is strictly dickly

me: can't stop thinking about matt bomer's nice body, nice ass and everything. keep repeating the clip.

he: what do you usually do when you're horny?

me: nothing. maybe wearing K's shirt sometimes.

he: why? 

me: it feels like i'm in his warm embrace.

he: i should give you mine.

me: you should find me bomer instead.

tired

life fucked me hard lately until i think i'm going to be impregnated by tears and despair.
Allah, please give me some super power to stay strong.

being hormonal

having a period is almost the same as being pregnant. not like i've been pregnant before. but seriously you want to pee for every 10 minutes. it sucks for a person like me who cannot hold it. then you have this hormonal thing where you tend to get angry for some little illogical thingy. you easily get tired and dizzy. and the last thing you want to do is to commit with others.
i have a graph for my mood. during PMS, i usually extremely happy, non-stop talking. at this time, you need to shut me up with whatever you can for i always talk crap and full of nonsense. i laugh a lot. in fact, too much for some people to handle. when the time comes, my graph decrease to become moody, hormonal and i turn to monster. the worst part is the post one. this is where i'm going to eat everything. every little thing on my mind. and this is the moment where the green monster turn to green goblin. i so hate it.

p/s: i got a stainless steel pot from kak Rozlin for our exchange gifts at school today. it really made my day. i love it so much. i can imagine how i'm going to hang it on my kitchen wall. hehe. i should learn to cook. i should learn to cook cause i promise H that i'm going to feed him with lots and lots of food until he forget his mama's cook..;)

p/s/s: i'm going to miss my first day of fasting. that sucks!!! sucks to the fullest. sucks to the deepest.