dirty laundry

i sometimes love to wear the only K's shirt that i owned. it gives me some kind of indescribable feeling whenever i wear it. feels like home. i love the fresh smell especially when i just took it out from my drawer. it reminds me of his smell. he always has this fresh laundry smell when we hang out at home. that's the reason why i never change my detergent. i want to keep that smell in my memory. it reminds me of before. it reminds me what it feels like to be in a relationship with human being. something that i tend to forget how lately.

things are getting worse between orca and me. i maybe look like the happiest one at my work place. i laugh like i'm having the most awesome life. i smile 'like' sincerely. but once i'm with orca, different things happen. i start making love with him. riding him fast. being a maniac. being a moron. a jerk to him. i love to listen to music loudly. singing like no one can hear me. duh...literally. who can hear me sing in my car.

why do i feel this way? like i have the world on my shoulder and i don't know how to get rid of it. i haven't cried for quite some time. i slowly torn inside.

when can K become H?

or

when can H become mr.H?