it makes me realize one thing. the changes i've been made since last Syawal is not good enough. i'm still not a good muslimah. i failed to finish recite the holy Quran after a year. i failed to comprehend the meaning. i'm not trying so hard to understand it. sometimes i forgot to perform my solah especially after my period. sometimes i left it purposely for i'm so lazy to pick myself up to face the Almighty. i failed to be a good daughter. dad was secretly cried for me few months ago. mum cried for the crisis between dad and i. i still didn't listen to them thinking that i'm big enough to handle myself. i'm so childish and always acting stupid, helpless and hopeless whenever i had a chance to do so. i'm not a good sister to my brothers and sisters. sometimes i forget that i have them. only remember when i was in trouble. i'm not a good aunt to my nieces and nephews. i failed as a friend to friends. i'm not sincere enough in doing my job as a teacher. there's so much lack in me. i'm too weak to handle the world.
what i regret the most is i'm not trying so hard in doing good in this life. i let the bad in me posses the good one. i let the beauty of the world drown me in. i let my weakness control me. i let the loneliness haunted me. i react positively around negative things. mostly, i'm not strong enough to handle the truth and let imagination swept me away.
so please ya Allah, give me a strength. make my path easier. help me to get through this.
p/s: i just want to have this chance to say this to someone i put close to my heart. you, i'm sorry for all my madness. i'm sorry for suddenly being here in your life and try to run everything the way i want it. i'm sorry for i've been too clingy. i forgot who we really are. this past few months been really good and nice to me until i forgot where things took place. i forgot that we are still stranger. i forgot that we are nothing. i'm sorry if i was too pushy and immature because almost three years is not a short period. it starts to kill me softly. i'm sorry for sometimes i invite you into my fantasy and let you get carried away together. i know i shouldn't listen to your promising words and keep rising my hope by it. or am i the one to be blame for misinterpret it? i said stupid things. i talk crap and full of nonsense. i'm sorry. from now on, i shall wait silently like how i'm supposed to. put my faith in Allah's will. if we were fated, He'll help us to find each other. we'll figure it out somehow eventually.
