Sunday, December 25, 2011

hope and faith

kak lin told babby and eyon in one of their late night conversation about lady-hood. "don't worry. my sister will get married next year."
she seems positive about it. why not me? she knows better. she always know.

i'm not going to put any hope on this. i just keep praying and waiting and hoping a little maybe. as long as i don't put higher expectation. i don't care about all that. i just wish a year from now, picturing myself, pregnant with happiness. only this time with a baby. for real.

Ya Allah, please grant my wish. bella pronto.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

i wish i'm that thin little girl with a very lean arms, flat tummy and small bosom. with 32B and xs shirt, size 2 pants. life would be totally different. seriously, it will be different.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

knows

maybe this isn't the right time for it.
maybe i'm not mature enough for it.
maybe i'm not ready for it.
maybe it isn't the best.

Allah knows best, Zila.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

chasing happiness

yup, i am here. where i belong. bukit garam. it such a joy to finally in my house. to smell the smell of my room. to put my head on my pillow. to lay down on my mattress. the feeling is oh-so-heaven. like you finally found your long lost husband. people will never understand this craziness i have.
yes, i chase my happiness. on my own way. why torturing myself missing when i can touch the sky. catch the star and put it in my pocket? i should have learn to be more realistic. and i think i should start now.


Tuesday, December 6, 2011

beli

sunyi berabis ni...;(
boleh ka kasi burn rm678 ticket?
seriously, not really in the mood to go out of Borneo.
sudah masuk 3 tahun rasa begini.

bila mau berubah jadi saya yang dulu?
saya sendiri rindu itu.
when i laugh, i laugh my heart out.
when i smile, i smile sincerely.
sekarang itu dalam mimpi ja.
yang pasti, part nangis tu confirm selalu dari hati.
dan lately banyak pula tangis nya.

mana mau beli diri?

Sunday, December 4, 2011

it is like this

"it's not with who you spend your friday night with but with who you want to spend the rest of your saturday"
that's why sometimes people tend to choose to be a homosexual. it is true indeed. who cares about who you spend your friday night with. it's just one night and a very short period. and maybe you're not sober that time. you wont remember anything. but the most important thing is with who you want to spend the next day. right when you wake up, looking for breakfast and planning your day. who you want to include in every activity you have in mind. like myself, i will find someone who can spend the rest of the saturday at home, lying on bed, watching movies, experimenting new recipe, reading our favorite book or maybe he read via readers hub if he's not interested with book. just as long as he's there with me reading. in case he has something in mind like going out to enjoy nature, doing some activity like hiking, or out to try a new restaurant with a nice food, i'll join him. i will support everything he wants to do. because that's what relationship is about. you support each other. you complete each other. enjoy the similarity, respect the differences. another thing is, you are willing to spend every saturday for the rest of your life with your loved ones.

sincerely from "the inexperienced but a very observant" me. hahahaha...

i have died everyday waiting for you
darling don't be afraid i have loved you for a thousand years
i love you for a thousand more.

a very beautiful lyrics. especially if you make it as your theme song on your big day. imagine you walk down the aisle, and the groom waiting for you with that nervous smile. can't wait to do his vow to make you his wife. oh-so-beautiful...;)

Friday, December 2, 2011

it supposed to be like this

i once a student of high school. i know what it feels like to have a crush on my teacher. i mean my guy teacher. especially the young, cute and fresh one. but it's just a fling. i always know the limit. i limit myself. and i make sure the teacher limit himself. when i was in form 5 there was this teacher who teach in the afternoon session kind of built a feeling towards me. he used to give me a lot of CDs. full with love song. we were the big fan of Radiohead, Smashing Pumpkin and Matchbox 20. in every CD's cover he always put initial like "my zila". it doesn't bother me at first. because to me, it's normal for a young male teacher to treat their favourite student a bit different. especially the cute one like myself. hehe. i understand that somehow he's lonely. i'm growing up with two guys at home. i know the feelings of being a lonely guy. it's normal for them to say sweet things that sound so promising to us. they are men after all. sweet talker running in their blood. sometimes it made me happy. imagine having someone who seems to understand you. not like your average male friends who are so immature. yeah, life was beautiful. but i started to feel it's kind of weird when your teacher talks about having the same watch, having the same phone, it kinds of creep me out. it's even worse when your female teachers start to have bad perspective about you. this things happen until i was in form 6. seriously, i don't have any feeling to that teacher. because i always know that he is my teacher though he never teach me. i was a new students in that school. i'm not from there. so he never teach me. he teach Science, History and English. i guess that was another reason that bond us together. but i always keep a safe distance. we keep in touch until i was in university. we talked about life and love. when i started dating KA, i told him about it and he was happy for me. and when i'm busy juggling school and KA, we lost contact. the last thing i knew is, he got married to a teacher from my school too. i'm happy for him. whenl i finish doing my bachelor degree, the PPD posted me in my old school as a temp substituting teacher in maternal leave. we met again. and i'm teaching in the same session with him. we still can hang out like before. only right that time we're both an adult. no hushy-washy feeling. but i can feel that his wife is not comfortable with it. so once again, i keep a great distance from him and start to hang out with my unmarried Scout teacher and another new young single male teachers. life was beautiful that time. they gave me a lot of sweet memories of being a new teacher. so much lesson i have learn from them. thanks to them, now i can handle a rascals by yelling and spanking them hard.

what i really want to say here, as a teacher, we have to know what is our limit. it's not wrong to be close to a different gender students. but always beware of our utter, our move. we have to understand that we dealing with hormonal puberty human being. they tend to misunderstood our meaning. sometimes they may build a different idea from what we trying to say. trust me, i once a young girl. and as a student, we have to know where we stand. there's a lot of other shiny young fish deep in the ocean. it's not necessary for us to fall for some old dolphin. enjoy life out there. as a youngster, there's a lot to be explore out there. chiao!!!

sincerely from "the experienced" and tired of makan hati me.

i need a sperm donor

i promise i won't see baby's picture.
i promise i won't spend more time with my pregnant bestie.
i promise i won't go to baby's section in mall.
i promise i won't get nearer to any baby or toddler.
i promise i will control myself.

i want a baby. i want a baby. i want a baby. i want to have someone who call me mummy.
someone please marry me pronto!!!