Friday, June 5, 2015


Right this moment all I want is my mum to help me settle everything here.

I guess this is how my mum felt 57 years ago.

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

menghapus jejak mu

call me stupid or whatever that you think suits me but i stop running knowing that my ex is also a running freak since last year.

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Starting point

I should start writing more about Rudy and how our relationship grow every single day into this wonderful journey of togetherness. We never knew if Alzheimer might struck any one of us. Later.

Thursday, June 19, 2014


I am so deeply in love right now.

please let me cherish the moment. let me enjoy every minute of it. we don't know what tomorrow might bring.

Monday, May 19, 2014


I'm a bit surprised when I browsed dearest's iphone photo gallery. Turns out he captured tons of my picture that he candid randomly. It's so not him to do so since he always maintain this cool macho ego. Ternyata kamu juga romantis ya.

I love you, Sayang.

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Cari pasal

I was on the verge of picking a fight with dearest lately and I don't know why. I can be a bitch sometimes when it comes to relationship. I sincerely feel sorry for him for having to face all my drama and stupidity. Perhaps one day when he have enough of me, he will leave. I just pray that that day will never come cause right now I honestly can't take another day parting from him. Please bear with me, Sayang.

Thursday, April 3, 2014

so much for bff

i sent a picture of my ex got married to my so-called bff yesterday. and she replied me with "so what?". exactly not what i expected. especially from someone who knows our story since the beginning. of all people in the world, i think she's the one who supposed to understand how i felt that time. but she didn't. i feel betrayed. hurt. i cried in my heart since this thing totally not worth for my precious tears anymore.
wasn't i there when you called me in the middle of the night telling me about your cheated husband? didn't i simply left a party when i'm supposed to spend my time with my super single friends just so i can hear you whine about your disloyal spouse?
thanksalot. i hope your husband keep cheating on you so when you really need someone to talk to, you realize you just have none.

fyi: i forgot to mention that your husband actually keep chasing one of our schoolmate even after being rejected each time. i wonder why. i thought you said you are pretty and great in bed. there. i said it.
have a great life.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014


wedding will be postponed to next year. there'll be no december bride.
eat your heart out, Zila.

did you know that i'm tired of counting days?

Tuesday, March 4, 2014


You just have shit put on your plate at work place, and then you went home and started to dial his number. You realized you can't talk to him because you just have the ugliest fight ever the night before. You are all alone with all the mess. And you are hungry some more.
It's 2009 all over again. I think i need therapist. And Ken doll as new boyfriend.

Relationship is a total bitch. What else? Bring it on!!!

Monday, March 3, 2014


tau ka new relationship tu paling bitch?
sepa bilang time tu la paling heaven?
sepa bilang?
atau aku yang telampau keras sampai tengok semua kebaikan tu plastic?

mengerti la di sakiti tu sakit. sakit tau. sakit.
jadi jangan.

Friday, February 21, 2014


I never thought being in a relationship is so tiring. Seriously, i forgot. I forgot that it includes all the stupid arguments, ugly late night fights and most of all trying to accept the fact that you can no longer put yourself first in every single thing. Can't imagine marriage. I might end up spending my money in therapist.

Despite all that, i love you to the deepest, Sayang. 

Saturday, February 15, 2014


his mother made a hot drinks for him at 10.30 pm. while i usually in bed at that time. now tell me how can i compete to that love?

Thursday, January 23, 2014


we were too caught up taking care of mum before until we don't really have time for anything. most of the holiday spent with her. we stop travel for awhile. being the baby of the family makes me feel the obligation is more on me. and what is more, knowing my mum started to fall sick since she was carrying me. she sacrificed her life to have me. almost losing it but lucky and blessed enough for her to raise me until i was 28 last year.
now here i am trying to plan our little vacation. i go numb. every thing is going bleak. i start crying again. i miss her so much. this hole in my heart is eating the whole out of me. i'm not strong.

Thursday, January 9, 2014

Kata Nadiah

This is what my long distance bff said when i told her about my recent serious relationship ever. Probably the worse comment ever yet so damn true. I specially like the part when she said that Arjuna will end up like my big guy while me like my mum. Frankly speaking, that's what i plan to be when we are getting old and grumpy. Still gives each other morning kiss even when we both use fake teeth later. And to have someone so confident about him turning to be my dad is like having fireworks surrounding me. There's nothing i ask more than to have him holding my hand on my dying day with sorrow in his eyes and love in his heart. Too much to ask for, i know.
Whatever it is, i will try my very best to be a good wife that one could ask for. Never doubt this faithfullest heart, Sayang.

Sunday, January 5, 2014

1st week

work is a mess.
house is a mess.
going to sort things out one by one.
be more organise.

and i miss you so much, Sayang.

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Bye 2013, Hello 2014

I lost my mum last Ramadhan. 2013 has been nothing but horrible one until i literally collapse in front of You for the downright grief. But turns out the Almighty has His own plan. He sent me this wonderful being on Christmas eve. Suddenly every thing seems bearable.
May this coming year fill with blessing and a chance for us to create joyful memory.

The one who come at the right moment. Let's take things one step at a time and falling deeply slowly. May you're the one that i ought my ribs to, Sayang.

Tuesday, December 24, 2013


I browsed his facebook for the first time today and I was like "What the fuck are you doing? Trying to hurt yourself?". Only then I realized starting new relationship is never a piece of cake. It's actually a process of making the cake itself. May I have the patient of a baker in creating my own sugar arts.

Wednesday, October 30, 2013


At this point, everything can actually break me. Family relation, friendship, relationship. I need to be strong, not for anyone, but for my dying soul. I'm not even sure what i want. I just let others decide for me. I let every single person in my life to take control of it. I let vapid people to criticise, laugh, even talk bad things about me right before my naked eyes. I don't mind at all. I really don't mind. Do whatever you want. Say whatever your heart desire. Because in the end, I know who's the Saint and who's the Satan. And the irony, I'm both. Yeah baby yeah. No baby no.

Monday, October 21, 2013

still struggling

i was having bad fever last week since tuesday night. so i decided to go home so someone can take care of me while i'm in my full-of-shit mood. what i love the most about being sick at home is because my dad really knows how to take care of me. he made the most delicious comfort food and a glass of hot milk for his sick baby girl. life is totally heaven at home. he even hand fan me in the middle of the night when black-out happened. oooohhh...i love you, daddy.
i've spent too much time at home and i realized few sad things about my dad since mum left. i noticed he only used one side of the bed. when i asked him why, he simply said that it is my mum's side and it supposed to remain like that even when she's no longer around. i cried and said he supposed to change side sometimes so that the bed will look even. he just give me an empty smile. we spent most of our nights watching nat geo or some tennis tournament. i'm glad for i have a chance to do this more with him. i know he misses her. i miss her so much too. we still can feel her present around the house. life is hard.

it will be her 100th day this 24th oct. please protect her, Dear Allah.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

my heart is an empty room

in a time like this, a girl will always turn to her mother to seek for advice and tlc. but mine is no longer here. that just double the pain. please give me Mary's strength to face it. that's all i'm asking.

on the contrary, i feel so blessed. so blessed. Alhamdulillah.

Monday, September 23, 2013

the perks of being an active lady

There are two reasons for a woman to be extremely craving for certain food.
1. She's going to have her period soon.
2. She's having a bun in the oven.

So which situation am i in? Drugstore, here i come!!!

Friday, September 20, 2013

Monday, September 16, 2013

trying my luck

He: apply transfer to sfc la so we can teach in the same school.
Me: see first ok.

Maybe this is my chance to fulfill my fantasy of having a quickie in the science lab or library. Or maybe we can have one in the bestari lab or sport store. Hahahahaha...^,^

Wednesday, August 28, 2013


it's been 43 days since mum left us here to be with her family. i think i'm still struggling living without her. it feels so awkward not to talk to her every single morning. i know i sometimes feel annoyed with her routine question checking on me every day. but right now i swear i would pay the world just to hear her voice once again asking me what do i have for breakfast.
i want my mummy!!!

Sunday, August 11, 2013


Eidu fitri without mum is weird and sad and totally sucks. I want my mama..:(

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

the most blessing gift God ever gave me

"A daughter without her mother is a woman broken. It is a loss that turns to arthritis and settles deep into her born" 
she's not missing. she's not visiting relatives. she died. she's no longer here. she's now happy with her family on the other side. i can never hear that soft voice calling my name. no longer i can see that beautiful smile. now there's only dad and i against the world. i have to be strong for him. i maybe lost a mum. but he lost his bestfriend, his love.
8 days without you. Al-Fatihah, Enit Donald Jackson.

tell me how i can possibly be ok.

Sunday, June 23, 2013

until my blood turns into alcohol

only then i'll make my mind up.
about us.

Sunday, June 16, 2013

the one that got away

G: how are you?
me: growing.
G: growing? not gaining? maksud?
me: i need a new bra size.
G: what? you double D now? that's nice.
me: you not helping pun.

i called him to wish happy father's day last night. it's funny how he still call me rabbit. it's like nothing ever change between us. it's really a miracle how someone can make you feel loved sometimes. we talked about everything. have a good laugh. one thing i like about him is he is so wise and knows what to say to me especially in my condition lately. before hung up he said, "find someone who can appreciate your wit, ok baby". it makes me smile thinking about that. thanks, G. i really loved you when i'm with you before. hehe.

where can i steal money to buy new bra? seriously, when are you going to finally stop growing?

Saturday, June 15, 2013

be grateful

1. i wish that my hair stop growing so i don't have to shave frequently. please bless me with clean supple leg.
2. i wish that my legs are 4 inches longer than now so i can rock my skinny jeans more.
3. i wish i can download new clothes illegally from the internet because i'm so fed up with everything in my closet right now. sadly to say i can't afford to buy a new one.
4. i wish i can wear anything i want to my office instead of baju kurung. why can't i wear pants to school???
5. i wish i can quit my job and do something less stress than this career.

i wish.

Friday, June 7, 2013

walk before run

in one of our night together, i notice some major changes in me. i notice that i'm not strong enough. my stamina was low. my knees were weak. i have no energy. i cannot spend too much time. i used to do better than this. but that was like four years ago. i won't say lack of practises as an excuse. it is just me. i lost interest in almost everything. i lost myself. the most frustrating is to see that un-sated face on the next day versus my glowing shiny face.

yoga and long walk, let's be bestfriend from now on.
please help me to put a smile on that face again.