mum

we were too caught up taking care of mum before until we don't really have time for anything. most of the holiday spent with her. we stop travel for awhile. being the baby of the family makes me feel the obligation is more on me. and what is more, knowing my mum started to fall sick since she was carrying me. she sacrificed her life to have me. almost losing it but lucky and blessed enough for her to raise me until i was 28 last year.
now here i am trying to plan our little vacation. i go numb. every thing is going bleak. i start crying again. i miss her so much. this hole in my heart is eating the whole out of me. i'm not strong.

still struggling

i was having bad fever last week since tuesday night. so i decided to go home so someone can take care of me while i'm in my full-of-shit mood. what i love the most about being sick at home is because my dad really knows how to take care of me. he made the most delicious comfort food and a glass of hot milk for his sick baby girl. life is totally heaven at home. he even hand fan me in the middle of the night when black-out happened. oooohhh...i love you, daddy.
i've spent too much time at home and i realized few sad things about my dad since mum left. i noticed he only used one side of the bed. when i asked him why, he simply said that it is my mum's side and it supposed to remain like that even when she's no longer around. i cried and said he supposed to change side sometimes so that the bed will look even. he just give me an empty smile. we spent most of our nights watching nat geo or some tennis tournament. i'm glad for i have a chance to do this more with him. i know he misses her. i miss her so much too. we still can feel her present around the house. life is hard.

it will be her 100th day this 24th oct. please protect her, Dear Allah.

my heart is an empty room

in a time like this, a girl will always turn to her mother to seek for advice and tlc. but mine is no longer here. that just double the pain. please give me Mary's strength to face it. that's all i'm asking.

on the contrary, i feel so blessed. so blessed. Alhamdulillah.

mum

it's been 43 days since mum left us here to be with her family. i think i'm still struggling living without her. it feels so awkward not to talk to her every single morning. i know i sometimes feel annoyed with her routine question checking on me every day. but right now i swear i would pay the world just to hear her voice once again asking me what do i have for breakfast.
i want my mummy!!!

the one that got away

G: how are you?
me: growing.
G: growing? not gaining? maksud?
me: i need a new bra size.
G: what? you double D now? that's nice.
me: you not helping pun.

i called him to wish happy father's day last night. it's funny how he still call me rabbit. it's like nothing ever change between us. it's really a miracle how someone can make you feel loved sometimes. we talked about everything. have a good laugh. one thing i like about him is he is so wise and knows what to say to me especially in my condition lately. before hung up he said, "find someone who can appreciate your wit, ok baby". it makes me smile thinking about that. thanks, G. i really loved you when i'm with you before. hehe.

where can i steal money to buy new bra? seriously, when are you going to finally stop growing?

little that i know

i don't know why suddenly i feel hatred of this place. i hate being here so much i want to put revolver in my mouth then pull the trigger. i'm not in the mood to work since the beginning of the year. little that i know that this feeling never get rid of me even until today. it's april now but i still feel the same. i'm so stress. tortured, suffocated with the surrounding. i despise everything. i cursed everytime i enter the class. i don't prepare my lesson until 5 minutes before it. i am so demotivated by every single thing about school. this is so fucked up. i shouldn't feel like this. this isn't me. i used to love this teaching career. i missed that feeling. i missed staying up late just to prepare a new module to teach my kids. i missed wondering around in book store finding new material for them. and now all i can think is school holiday. a very long vacation where i don't have to iron my clothes. where i don't have to think what to wear tomorrow. where i don't have to wake up early every morning. wait, i am a morning person. okay then. where i can wear a boxer and some tank or baby-t without even care to put my bra on. where i don't have to worry about every single thing. where i don't have to deal with young people. where i am actually away from this tormented place. i feel stranded and alone here. 

gosh, i miss K so much i started to use our picture as my phone wallpaper.

boredom

social apps really help to connect people.

me: school bored me. texting with nj just now.
G: about?
me: hot steamy sex in cold weather. she misses jerr.
G: then?
me: nothing. macam nice. cuddle inside the blanket.
G: no. have sex under it for 2-3 hours. teori 11 minutes coelho silap. i can go further.
me: mygod!!! G baca coelho?
G: patterson, stephen kings and yada, yada, yada.
me: you never say anything before.
shit. i really wish i have hubby teaching in the same school.
G: you never ask. why?
me: mau sneak to the lab la. macam dalam Grey's Anatomy.
G: dulu ajak kawin, jual mahal.
me: you're not teaching pun. you're not even here.
G: still.
me: kalau ajak sekarang pun, the answer still be no.
not because you're married or what.
G: ya ya ya. because of H. i really wish to meet this guy.
me: tengok ja frodo.
 lapar. mau pigi kantin. kbye.

then that night i received a text from him saying "i really wish we could turn back time. i'm going to make you fall for me. hard". and it makes me thinking. a lot. i come to a conclusion. buta mata hati.

i love you without knowing how, or when, or from where

if only i can buy a seed and plant it in my tummy, so it will grow to an infant.
seriously i feel lonely and i'm so tired of crying in my prayer asking for the Almighty to grant me with one.

what else can you do when you stuck alone at home on the weekend?

just when i'm about to do some laundry, i do some digging into my clean shirt basket. i found that i still have few clean undies. so i cancel my plan to wash the dirty one. nampak sangat rajin.
this is one of my bad habit. i love to collect my dirty underwear and wash it once when i run out of it. sometimes it can be up to until 3 weeks. luckily i have tons of it. lucky. or maybe i should try to go until i don't have one. it must be great to go to school, teaching without wearing a bra. imagination running wild. hehe.
when i was left alone like this, i usually love to do house chores. growing up by a housewife mother, i don't have a lot of chance to do it. mum usually the one who keep the house clean. make sure the food is ready for us to eat whenever we feel like one. when i was 17, she fell sick and unable to do it. i took her place to be the house mother. i learn how to cook, wash, iron and everything. it was so hard at first. but eventually i learnt. i secretly love it. it's like the only moment that i feel like a real lady. yeah, i know. surprise.
up until now, i love to do it secretly. especially when i'm alone like this. i will clean the house, do my laundry, cook and rearrange everything. life as a teacher won't give me time to do it daily. i always busy with school and nap. hehe. so weekend is my only chance to keep my room spotless. people used to think that i have a messy room. but they are wrong. to me room is my sanctuary. i change my bed sheet once in two weeks. i always make sure that my things are on it usual place. i fold my clothes neatly and put it in my drawer. my wardrobe always smells like spring and everything hang nicely. i love to keep it that way. it'll make easier for me to find things whenever i need it.
i like to cook because i love to eat. and i love the joy feeling whenever i heard people compliment my cook. what i love the most is, when he gives marks and comments to my cook. i love to see the smile on his face whenever he was happy eating. i always make sure that people will finish up my cooking because i hate left over. i won't eat it the next morning and i won't reheat it. i don't like reheat food and i refused to serve one. i'd rather throw it away and cook the new one. bad. very bad habit.
what i hate the most is washing the dish. when i'm at my parents, my dad will do it for me. and here, budak kecik will do it for me. i don't know why i hate it so much. i guess i just don't like the rough feeling on my hand. just last wednesday, amoi, budak kecik and me compared our hands. turn out that my fingers and nails is the least cuticle one. isn't that great? at least my reluctant to dishwashing paid of. i wish my guy will buy a dishwasher machine when i married later so i can keep this young soft hands. wishing. wishing.

tolong cari kan saya suami yang rajin cuci pinggan.

heart grow fonder

i'm here and you're there.

that makes two pathetic missing heart.

parting is killing. even for a fortnight. 

fetish 2

pesanan teman jauh : stop smelling guy's odour. bila mau berubah? please behave, lala.

dia tidak tau. even a 15 years old boy pun saya curi-curi sniff. ini kan pula lelaki dewasa yang sungguh sangat sedap bau nya.

hanya akan stop bila ada bau yang dapat sniff tiap waktu.

p/s: lately, halifax dengan sandakan rasa macam bersebelah ja.

Nikmat dunia: chilled tarap and jasmine green tea

saya sepatut nya menjadi si gemuk yang berjaya. tapi lately badan nampak susut. mungkin tidak di mata umum. tapi bagi yang mengenali dekat diri saya, kekurusan itu semakin menghampiri saya. berat badan sememang nya turun. tulang di leher juga sudah jelas kelihatan. dan wajah saya kelihatan pucat. dan saya tidak lagi begitu tembam. menurut teman-teman, wajah saya tidak seceria dulu. nampak begitu tidak gembira.

belakangan ini saya kurang selera makan. jika dulu sehingga pukul 10 malam masih kelihatan saya mengunyah cookies atau apa saja, sekarang tidak lagi. sejak pulang ke sini, sudah beberapa malam saya tidak makan malam. bukan sahaja di sini, sebenar nya perkara ini telah bermula sejak di rumah lagi. lately banyak benda dalam minda. hidup seakan memcaci dan mencerca saya. di datang kan pelbagai dugaan yang agak dahsyat sehingga boleh mendatang kan ketidakwarasan kadang-kadang. namun jika di banding kan dengan permasalahan orang lain, ia nya tidak la berat mana.

cuma masalah-masalah saya ini lebih menguji keimanan dan kesabaran sebagai seorang manusia. lebih menguji dalaman saya. memerlu kan jiwa yang kuat untuk menghadapi nya. dan saya memang kuat. kuat makan hati. kuat pendam. dan kuat pekik bila sudah tidak tahan. saya tahu banyak yang menyangsi kan kebolehan saya di alam pekerjaan. bagi mereka saya hanya bimbo yang tahu pasal lelaki. tapi mereka lupa bimbo ini 4 tahun belajar second language acquisition. mereka tidak tahu saya terlebih dahulu membaca siri Enid Blyton dari cerita pak pandir. mereka tidak tahu saya lebih dulu belajar mengeja apple instead of epal. tolong jangan pertikai bidang tugas saya. sudah saya bilang berkali-kali, masing-masing orang punya cara nya tersendiri. dan saya bukan la guru yang exam-oriented orang nya. apa yang penting ialah anak-anak mampu menanam bahasa asing itu dalam jiwa mereka. saya mohon sekali lagi, beri lah saya peluang untuk jatuh cinta pada kerjaya ini. jangan la patah kan semangat saya dengan benda-benda remeh tapi bisa meruntun jiwa seperti ini.

saya dan bapa juga tidak seakrab dulu. rasa nya kami berdua banyak memendam dan berkecil hati antara satu sama lain. saya terasa begitu jauh dari nya. hanya sesekali terasa dekat dengan wallet nya. itu pun hanya ketika dia mencuba untuk membeli jiwa saya. saya orang nya sangat sensitif. terutama dengan mereka yang begitu dekat di hati saya. rasa begitu sukar untuk tidak lagi bermanja dengan nya seperti dulu. tapi terlalu sukar buat saya untuk menjadi seperti dulu. akan sentiasa terngiang-ngiang "you're not his favourite". mungkin saya agak kebudak-budakan. mungkin juga Tuhan memberi saya peluang untuk menjadi dewasa atas apa yang terjadi.

mungkin.

i can no longer hold the lonesome

after what happened between KA and me a few years ago, i find hard for myself to be in love again. i thought i can't let myself drown into the idea of having someone occupying my universe. it is really hard actually. especially if you're living in my surrounding where people expect you to live your life the normal way. i mean, a girl should be out dating a guy her heart desire. moreover for someone like me. according to them (who didn't know me that well), i'm a successful girl with a bright future and good looking with a pleasant attitude. according to them cause this is what i used to hear every time i'm engaged in any family event. "cantik, cikgu english lagi, tak pandai keluar rumah". they don't know that people like them is the real reason i'm avoiding myself to mingle. i hate with all the questions that i don't have any answer to please them.

i'm going to be 27 this year. to me age is just a number. but my body clock is ticking. i'm not going to bored you with all the details i have every time i face the mirror. the complain is always killing me. but deep inside my body, my womb, my ovaries, my uterus, the unfertilised eggs that were expelled every month, what about them? they were busy marking every passing second of my life. this is the biggest problem. every night i dream of a warm embrace from a guy i longed to put a seed inside of me so it will grow to be infant in my belly. every time i see a caring husband with her pregnant wife, i feel like want to hug the girl telling how lucky she is to have the most precious gift in her life. i know my time will come eventually. but when?

yesterday i went out with babby and leon. we talked about everything. leon pop up a question to me about getting married cause she's going to tie the knot real soon. insyaAllah. suddenly i can no longer hold myself. i almost burst into tears but i control it knowing that we're in a restaurant that time. but i can't help myself to meroyan. i usually meditated myself in my room chanting "mau kawin, mau kawin, mau kawin". but yesterday out of the blue i did it in front of them. they seem surprised and asked me to stop. but i can't hold myself. i keep on chanting it but this time with his name at the end of the sentences. i can feel the warm crystal in my eyes. and i can see the pity on their faces. but i don't need the pity. i just need them to know that i myself wants to get married to. it's just a matter of time or in my case, it's just a matter of time, my heart and him.

i've been in love with the same guy for as long as i could remember. i've always have this kind of question : why him? when will i ever stop waiting for him? aren't the waiting itself is hurt enough? i'll wait for him. i don't know until when. but if we're not fated to be together, never mind. for the time being let me enjoy watching him watching me. let me enjoy the secret glance, secret smile. the waiting is hurt more when you keep urging me with the same question over and over again. it's not me who wants this. it's not even my fault for having this stubborn heart. i am someone like this. i set myself into something, i can never unset it to something else. just like the previous relationship. someone knock my door and i let him enter. he remained there until he grew tired and find a new playmate. left me broken hearted. reminds me of an email i received from a guy friend few weeks ago. "a girl like you will always like the hard way when it comes to love. it's because you don't wait for Mr.Right to be right, but you wait the right one to be your Mr.Right". and i know he's one of the person in the list that i turn down for this past few years. i'm sorry.

to you,

i'll wait for you. i wait for some amount of time. i'm just sitting there waiting. you know where to find me. don't feel pressure. i'm not putting any on you. it's your heart. doesn't matter how much i love you. knock my door when you completely ready. when your heart really empty. when it's really clean from the past. cause just like i don't want to force myself for someone else, i don't want you to force yourself for me. i've seen the tortured. i've watched the abused. i don't want to sing the same song my friends sang. i want our song to be the love song. that's all i ask.

hope and faith

kak lin told babby and eyon in one of their late night conversation about lady-hood. "don't worry. my sister will get married next year."

she seems positive about it. why not me? she knows better. she always know.

i'm not going to put any hope on this. i just keep praying and waiting and hoping a little maybe. as long as i don't put higher expectation. i don't care about all that. i just wish a year from now, picturing myself, pregnant with happiness. only this time with a baby. for real.

Ya Allah, please grant my wish. bella pronto.

knows

maybe this isn't the right time for it.

maybe i'm not mature enough for it.

maybe i'm not ready for it.

maybe it isn't the best.

Allah knows best, Zila.

3 different generation guys and a girl

part 1

me: pa, dia kali mau datang ke rumah kalau jadi ke Tawau.

bapa: Alhamdulillah...

me: bukan dengan niat itu. datang-datang ja macam biasa.

bapa: Alhamdulillah juga. rezeki tetamu.

part 2

abang man: dik, 28 tahun sudah kau kan?

me: 26 la!!! napa? aku nampak tua ka sampai abang ingat aku 28?

abang man: nda la. saja ja mau psycho kau.

me: napa pula mau psycho?

abang man: mana tau tension kau mau kawin terus.

me: napa juga kamu semua ni? kamu nda suka sudah ka sama aku sampai balik-balik suruh orang kawin?

abang man: nda juga ba. bagus juga tu. sejuk nanti kau.

me: macam-macam la ba abang ni.

abang man: habis kalau kau nda kawin pun, bukan kau keluar pun dari bilik. balik-balik berkurung. ada atau tidak kau di rumah ni sama ja rasa nya.

me: terbiasa ba.

abang man: sana kau sendiri. sini ni banyak kami yang boleh kau hadap.

me: jadi nanti kalau aku kawin pun aku bawa juga laki ku berkurung.

abang man: kalau itu nda apa. nampak hasil nya. productive kamu.

me: bikin gerigitan becakap sembarang.

part 3

kikie: transfer dulu lagu pigi mp3 saya ni. laptop saya rosak.

me: lagu bik ni lain-lain sikit ni kie. sanggup ka?

kikie: hantam ja la. memang ka guru BI jiwang-jiwang orang nya?

me: (terkedu)

p/s: that's why i hate to come home sometimes.

home alone

i'm supposed to finish reading this one.

instead of that, i've been spending my time since friday watching Harry Potter the series. i told you i'm not a big fan of him. but still Harry Potter is one of the best literature that one should read and watch.

left alone is so not cool. budak kecik was off to LD since yesterday to do some errands. she's only going to be back tomorrow. i hate when i'm alone at home. it's kind of creepy sometimes. whenever i'm downstairs, i kind of feel like someone is upstairs. i try to ignore it. but i just couldn't. something keep remind me of 3A story about "orang sebelah". well, it's about someone knocking your door and when you asked who is that, he will answer "orang sebelah". you thought he is your neighbour but he is actually "orang sebelah" or half man. i know it's some of ridiculous tale people used to tell. but when you're alone, everything goes to your mind playing like some silly ad. scary, i know.

i guess Nafilah 1 is my second kitchen right now cause i'm so not in the mood to cook. i have a lot of food stock in the fridge waiting to be cooked. i have pasta and everything. i just hate cooking when i'm alone. i don't know how to eat a decent food alone at home but i can sit at a restaurant having my meal alone. weirdo!!! i promise to make a healthy salad for budak kecik so she can

munch it whenever she feels like eating. she's currently on her weight gaining process. so far she managed to gain 2 kgs in a week. almost reach 40 kg. i am so happy for her. i should take care of her food to make sure she's taking a healthy diet and not having all the carbs and sugary food.

just a kind reminder for myself when i'm driving:

1. TOLONG TEKAN BREAK DI SELEKOH HOSPITAL, DI DEPAN PADANG, SIMPANG MASUK AGRO BANK, SIMPANG PASAR DAN BUKIT MENUJU PERUMAHAN.

2. TOLONG JANGAN MELEBIHI 80kmj SEPANJANG JALAN DARI SIMPANG HOSPITAL SEHINGGA DI SIMPANG SESB.

3. TOLONG JANGAN MELEBIHI 100kmj SEPANJANG PERJALANAN KE SEKOLAH.

4. TOLONG JANGAN MELEBIHI 40kmj DI SEKITAR KAWASAN PERUMAHAN TERUTAMA DI LORONG 1.

5. TOLONG JANGAN MEMECUT LAJU DI BUKIT NAIK KE GATE SEKOLAH.

mau hidup lebih lama kan?

random photo taken from FB group.

seni membuka buras. indah kan?

di tambah dengan tempe dan ayam masak lengkuas.

mood raya tiba awal.

run

i want to start running again, why.

it gives me time to think.

it gives me time to deep think.

it gives me time to fucking think about every single thing.

it gives me time to enjoy the solidarity.

or maybe i want to get rid of this muffin that looks like 2 months pregnant bump?

well, at least i'm not running away from my feeling nor reality.

you know what's wrong with you?

you get chicken when you start feel your feeling.

you confused.

you run away from it when you know very well you have that same feeling.

you scared.

you afraid of being hurt. (like other people not)

today you like this, tomorrow you like that.

as far as i'm concern, it's not the other person who has problem.

it's you.

you're not sure of your own feeling.

you know what you want but you don't know what to do.

now let me gives you some suggestion on how to solve this.

don't treat that person nicely.

don't treat that person special.

don't give that person wrong idea.

don't give false alarm.

do not take care of the food.

do not take care of everything.

do not pretend like you know what that person wants.

do not text.

do not talk over some serious things.

do not make any move that will lead to flowery feeling.

do not ask that person to hold your thing.

unless...

you really want that person. go straight to that person and tell that person how you really feel about that person. don't do all of this and just disappear the next day. you know why? because it so fucking hurt thinking that someone is finally have a feeling towards you but in the end you'll find out that person is not. and yet you do it again and again and again, why? because you know that that person always have a feeling for you no matter what. but you forget one thing. you forget that that person is a person. a human being. that person has feeling. does it ever appear to your beautiful mind, how hurt that person might be, how tired that person can be, how sick that person can be with all of the 'tarik tali' thing you keep playing. make up your mind. just make up your mind. you know something beautiful is waiting for you.

p/s: apa kau mau?

(itu pun mau tanya lagi ka? sudah tau aku mau kau kan.)

instead of that, :: mau daging dua.

remember when i said language guy always turn me on?

you know what it feels like to fall in love with anonymous?

it feels so relief. why?

because you don't have to meet this person. especially if you both don't know each other.

he does not know about your existence nor you know about his real self.

and you know from the first place it won't happen. never. nunca.

i was in love. nope. i am still in love with this particular guy since i first read his blog two years ago. he is a teacher in some remote area in Sarawak. to me he such a good writer. he knows language very well and he surprisingly has a very pleasant look. not the handsome type of guy. but more to nerdy-i-enjoy-literature-so-much type. i've been spending my weekend browsing his blog reading his past post. i enjoy this label of his. seems like he understand or at least trying harder to understand Venusia. it so glad to know that actually there are some people out there who make some effort to try to understand the way we are. really. flower-flower, okey. by the way, please try to read The Gentle Sex. sure it'll bring a smile on your face. Cheerio!!!

p/s: going to miss Mr.Beego so much. though we don't know each other that well, at least he used to sleep next to Orca.

suri

be my mirror, my sword and shield,

my missionaries in a foreign field,

and i'll do the same for you.

promise. pakka promise.