i wish to go back to bukit garam today cause suddenly my fun house is full of evil clown

it's weird how they keep using money to buy love and affection.
i'm mad at mum and dad today.
and tomorrow i get new things.
he's mad at his mummy today.
and the next day he get a ticket for a trip to somewhere.
that's how it works.
it's running in our family.
generation by generation.
and i wish to stop it right when i start mine.
cause i definitely don't want to have another version of me to be my baby.
enough said.

upcoming

all i want for the next christmass
is

a guy who make it easier when life gets hard.

eye-opener

oh yeah...it's christmass eve and i don't know how on earth i'm thinking about this right now.
i want to be more religious in every way. i start to think about every thing happen in my life since yesteryear. it's like God is sending me some sign that until right now i still can't decode it. how shallow i am. but hey, i'm learning. Lord, this learning process will never end.
about the religious thing, actually it's not tonight. it's start since the trip to kK with Dani. funny how that shortest time he can tackles me, charm me with his wisdom words. i guess he just talks so much until my brain can't digest every little thing that came out from him. but one thing really caught my attention; "kita sebelum bekawan dengan orang kita tengok dulu macam mana dia jaga agama nya. kalau dia tau jaga agama nya, tau la dia jaga diri nya". God, i'm totally not that person. and here is some more; "sembahyang itu la yang besa nya mencegah kita dari buat dosa. contoh nya kau cakap dia begitu begini. kau tengok la dia jaga solat nya atau tidak. kalau tidak, nda heran lah dia mampu buat begitu". and i was like "am i talking to the same age person as me?" there were another things that we talk. but i'm sure can't stop writing about it until the school start next year. we do talk a lot. i talk about myself. spilling things that i never tell anyone. maybe because i'm comfortable with him, fizzy and ana. he asked me to write a book cause i have a lot of interesting story to be shared. well, i'm a keeper. i won't do such thing. haha...
recently after the sulking mode with daddy, we do the real talk. not the father-daughter moment but more to wise man-young lady moment. i know he loves me so much and off course he is the only hero that i give my fully devotion. i realize that i'm such a bad daughter. i non-stoppingly giving him bad times despite all the good things he has done for me for my entire life. i should try to run my life the way he want me to. at least that's the only good deed i can do for him and mum. i should stop being such a baby. take my life seriously. love my job and do it properly. and the most important thing is to grow up. well, for right now i promise that i'll do it for the sake of my own self. not for anyone. i know how hard it might be. but at least i should give it a shot.
be more religious. if i can't do the hard thing, at least do the least thing. do the prayer. solat. 5 times a day. it's not that hard. and watch my wear. cover every thing that can be covered. watch my language. mind my manner. until then, you'll be surprised what life may bring you.

now where the hell is my "Eat,Pray,Love" book when i really need it?

without you

a day without you is like a year without rain. that was so........overwhelm.
but hey, i love rainy days. i don't want to go without it. so you, please don't let my day feels like a year without rain...;p



p/s: have a merry christmass. i already got myself my gift. so that's enough i guess...;)

wicca

me: i don't want a white gold bracelet. i think i need a new watch.
daddy: why do you need a new one?
me: it's his gift. and i hate that it keep remind me of him every time i saw it.
daddy: i thought you move on.
me: i am. but it's hard when i still keeping things from him. at least that's the last thing.
daddy: you working now.
me: still i want it from you.
daddy: rm300. that's the limit.
me: (better than nothing)

so he gave me rm300 today before i go out. i just love you daddy. how can i hate you when you never say NO to me...;)
i still have to add another rm350 though after 15% discount.

citizen wicca rose gold
welcome home, precious...;)

btw, i'm having a blast of laugh after having dinner with three most beautiful women. my bff: halizah, harny and fizzy.

me surrounded by my teacher's bff (breakfast forever)

i'm actually accompanying halizah to the saloon to perm her hair. while waiting for her to be done, i decided to have my hair wash. i keep thinking of doing something to my hair. i'm torn whether i should cut it short or not. i want something edgy but there is no way that i'm going to cut my hair short again. i keep remind myself that he loves a girl with a long hair. and i love my beautiful-getting-longer hair. so i decided to have a fringe. i end up looking more ladylike. oh...i so in love with it. i look demure.
then i called fizzy asking where she was. she's just coming back from LD. so i fetch her and the three of us going to farfalle. i feel so bad without harny there. so i called to asked her to come without bringing her other half, Jason. haha...pity him.
harny told us about the incident where a girl mistaken her as a form 6 girl and not a teacher. so i lied to her that i once being mistaken as a form 3 students. i know that so obviously untrue. she answered me "nda ngam ba kau budak form 3. mana ada budak form 3 tetek besar". hahahaha...that's kinda offensive. hey, there is other big thing on me that can be talk other than my boobs. like what? like....ummm....my big eyes perhaps?
hahaha...after all, we have a good time tonight. we supposed to celebrate fizzy's early birthday because the chances of pyan not coming here is big. he kind of busy lately going to Madai. so fizzy going to celebrate with her family. i asked her whether she wants a cake but she refused. i secretly wishing that pyan is going to come this thursday. i know how much it meant for her. and i know that's all she wants for her birthday.

my holy-day so far

well...what did i do?
i happened to be not in a very good mood lately. so i spent most of my time in mum's room. doing what? exploring their fridge. eat all the things inside.
keep switching the tv channel every 5 seconds when there's actually nothing to watch.
concerning my not-so-healthy skin. how to say this? it's getting better. and i love what i spent my money on. if it didn't work, i start to think of redeem it back from daddy. though i'm still kind of sulking. you know what is the best thing about sulking? the chances of getting what you want is higher than before. because big dad is trying to please me so hard until he almost give up. haha. i love sulking so much until i can't stop doing it over and over again.
i spent my other time reading Have a Little Faith from Mitch Albom. so far i'm in the page 56. keep reading it since last thursday. hey, i'm a busy woman. i have a lot of things to do than reading. like watching How I Met Your Mother, Grey's Anatomy, Private Practice, Ugly Betty and i have a movie marathon. i found HIMYM hilarious until i can't stop laughing every time i saw Barney. he is one of a kind. he stupid yet so charming.

i'm thinking of doing something productive today like measuring mum's bed or counting how many almond in every Berryl's tiramisu chocolate. oh...i love my day. and yeah, i love myself...;)

daddy-you no longer my favorite person!!!

i know i was so eager to come home few days ago. but right now, i hell wishing that i'm not home. i hate home right now. it doesn't feels like mine anymore. why? because daddy lied to me. he was hiding something from me right from the beginning. how i wish i don't have to talk to him for such a long time. too bad. i just couldn't do that. cause he matters a lot to me. lots.
right now all i want is to go back to bukit garam and spending my holiday there. that would be much pleasure spending my days going to sandakan every day, watching all the movies than spending my time to things i refuse to do. i hate it. i hate the fact that dad hiding things from me. no wonder he never care to call me this past few days. i knew something was up. i can feel it. and mum, i know she knows nothing about it until yesterday when they arrived. cause just like me, she seems surprise. and right at that moment, i swear i want to pack all my belonging and left.
for God sake dad, what do you expect from me? to accept the things the way all of you want it? you know me better to start the fire.

p/s: no, dad not asking me to cari kayu api. it worse than that. i wish you were here in sabah and i'd be glad to go back to bukit garam and having my holiday with you. please fast forward to 28th.

p/s/s: why on earth every one ruined my holy-day?

homey-side

finally i can have my school holiday. i'm in tawau right now. going to spend this holiday season with two most beautiful people on earth, Mr.Marsden and his wife Enit DJ. i think this two weeks left going to be full with some stuff need to be done for dad, movie marathon, tv and few other boring things. hahaha. but i just love my life here at home. i love to be near with my parrents. they just giving me another reason for being stupid and helpless whenever they were around. i so in love with that.

mengisi saki baki cuti yang tinggal dengan ini...;)

second chance

a little gift for myself for this christmas.
let's put our trust in this red box once AGAIN...haha
and there goes my rm500 bonus.
;p

self-monologue

aku cuma perempuan biasa. cukup biasa. mungkin tidak punya kelebihan di mata siapa pun.
dan kerana itu aku perlu kan arjuna untuk mendampingi ku. juga buat membimbing.
aku perempuan yang selalu lupa aurat ku. batas ku.
jangan di tanya solat ku. aku selalu lupa untuk menjaga nya.
bukan lupa. malas lebih sesuai. jahil.
ntah kenapa.
aku takut. Dia mungkin bakal mengambil kepunyaan ku. tapi aku mohon jangan.
aku tidak bersedia. beri kan aku peluang lagi.
untuk menjadi yang terbaik di mata nya.
untuk menjadi kesenangan di jiwa nya.
untuk menyeimbang kan mana yang patut.
aku senang dengan nya. cukup senang.
bila ada yang mula bercakap mengenai nya, aku jadi lemah. tapi tidak menggoyah kan rasa ku.
mungkin hati ku kuat berpaut. pada yang rapuh. sayang. bodoh.
seperti mana yang pernah ku kata kan dulu, apa pun dosa yang telah kau lakukan, aku sedia menerima mu apa ada nya.
ya. apa ada nya.
asal kau punya kemahuan untuk berubah.
asal kau tidak malu untuk berubah.
asal kau punya keyakinan untuk berubah.
asal kau menyerah kan naluri mu pada yang selayak nya.
aku ikhlas apa pun diri mu.
sebab di laknat itu jauh lebih sakit.
jauh lebih seksa. jauh lebih dari segala nya.
kerana aku juga bukan malaikat.


p/s: be a man. let's get married. touch me where you want me. then the world will be silent again. feel me...;(

now let me do the talk

habis sudah jaga SPM.
i feel like hell every single moment of it. i know i said there were some bright side of it. but hell, i hate it. this is my first school holiday as a teacher. it is my HOLY-DAY. i should embrace, enjoy every moment of it. for God sake, i'm supposed to go out there enjoying my life or at least spending my precious time with my parrent. they have no one at home. so school holiday is like the golden opportunity for me to pamper and shower them with my love and attention. or at least this is the chance for me to go on a trip with babby and eyon. spending our vacation together. you just don't know how long since our last trip together. it was ages ago. right before i take this job. right before i mess with my life. but here i am trap in this gilded cage. and guess what i'm doing? study for my induction next week. you think this is fair? life ain't fair. not to a girl like me.

best nya orang sudah kerja.
i tell you this. life as a working person is not like a bed of roses as what you always think. babby and eyon used to be jealous of me working and earning my own money. yes i win the bread and you not. just so you know, the bread is only with me for a few days. there's alot of thing you need to settle down. the car need to be paid. the loan, the bills, the everything. so stop saying that you envy my life. i envy you much more. i miss my old life. i miss the feeling of buying without thinking. i God damn miss it. i feel like i want to cry my heart out every time i can't buy something because i need to keep the money for something else later. i hate when i cannot buy that rm189 blouse because i have to save my money for the rainy days. look at you both. you still study yet you are wearing all that branded things. where got the money? mummy and papa off course. i miss those days where i can shop every week without worrying what's going to happen the next day when i have nothing in my purse. all i have to do is dialed daddy's number and my account is full again. life is quite easy back then. now i hate every single moment of my working life. i seriously crying my heart out right now. sounds immature to you? you just don't know how hard it is. it's like i curse every moment of it.

sepa steady kau sekarang?
jesus Christ!!! how many time should i say that i am SINGLE? billion zillion times? stop asking me this stupid question when you know very well i have no one. i'm tired of this silly question. i'm having the time of my life free from any commitment. let me indulge and savor every moment of it before i'm tying the knot with whoever he might be.
and to the old folks, tau la akan kalian bahawa saya PALING BENCI soalan-soalan seperti "kapan sih ni anak bongsu mau kawin?". and every time i said that i am single, they go like "tak juga la ada rupa ada kerja begini, tak ada yang mau". it's not like no one wants me. it's i want no one thing. and stop asking my parrents with this kind of things because they going to push me with this. not daddy off course. but mum, every time we were alone in her room, she starts saying sad things like "nda lama lagi mama mati ni. tapi sebelum tu kalo boleh mama mau tengok meng kawin dulu.". it hurts me every time she talks about dead when i know very well her health condition. and i go like "ma, selagi teda orang lain yang akan jaga saya, mama nda kan mati." and she said like she can't wait for it forever. and just to stop her from rambling about this, i said "mama sudah bosan ka dengan saya sampai balik-balik mau ada orang lain jaga saya?". only the she shut herself from talking about it.

it is hard to be me. don't ever wish to...;(

PLEASE DON'T TELL ANYONE

that i just watch Harry Potter. i'm not a big fan of him. i don't read the book. and i only watch the first and second movie long time ago. it's just not me and i chose not to follow it. what i notice is Ron is bigger now. hahaha...i remember him with that red hair and little freckles on his cheek. the trio totally growing up filming all the movies.

how odd it is when mum suddenly ask me whether i go visit lulu yesterday or not. it's not like i don't want to. it's just i can't make time for it. currently busy with a lots and lots of things to do.

we talk about new year resolution with budak kecik on the way to sandakan this afternoon. and mine is I'M GOING TO TRY TO LIVE WITHOUT ANY HELP FROM MUM AND DAD. i won't ask for money. not even for the gas money every time i'm going back to tawau. i'm trying to live on my own. i still feel like i'm not working every time i'm home cause every time i'm going back to bukit garam, mum or dad will give me some money. doesn't matter whether i ask for it or not. it's totally a shame thing. please don't tell anyone about this. at least let me try okay.

i keep thinking of what i want for this coming christmas from big daddy. and i come to a sudden choice. nothing fancy. all i want for this christmas other than him to be mine, ;p i want a white gold bracelet. that's it. that's all i want.

p/s: yes. my family is celebrating christmas. only not in that way. why? because we're half Australian. hahahaha...what do you expect?

nerdstar

it's going to be busy tuesday for us today. every one is concentrating on finishing their induction assignment. it's been a long time since i do it. i forget already how hard it is to compose a good writing especially if it's in malay. damn!!!
but i'm positive. hahaha...it's just 5 pages writing. it's nothing compare to what i used to do...;p
so peeps, keep praying for me to finish it today or else i can't put my full attention to study. wow!!! sounds like campus girl. let see how nerdy i am.

have to shift to nimmy's room cause according to fizzy, i keep bothering her...;p
me in PDI 'i love Paris' graphic tee and R.A hotty.
hair clip from Hafiz on my last birthday.
"Bertekad Cemerlang"

let's work together babeh!!!

p/s: my hair is getting longer. i love it cause he like it...;)

makan hati

i start receiving comment like "wow, tecer kurus sudah..." since last week. at first they won't buy me with this. but when i wear my baju kurung this morning, i kind of believe them. i guess i did loose some weight. and i secretly admit that i don't like it. i don't like the fact that i might be skinny. it's totally such a turn off. i know i never satisfied with my body. when i gain some, i wish not to. and when i lost it, i feel so sad.
and again just now the aspura ask me "tecer, napa tecer macam makin kurus? tecer diet ka?". okey, enough. i'm not on diet. i eat normally. is that means that i'm losing my weight by doing nothing but parting from him? oh...told ya. parting really kills me...;(

time...please move faster. take me to 28th dec.

when he's away, i start to loose my focus. in everything. i hate it.

me and orca

fog lamp orca pecah. baru notice pagi kelmarin. mungkin terkena batu dalam perjalanan ke kK last week.
alarm orca pula rosak. dan saya butuh spare key saya untuk membaiki nya. malang nya, spare key saya ada di tempat nya. hebat bukan? saya sendiri hairan bagai mana ia ada pada nya.
handle pintu driver juga rosak. sudah agak lama kejadian ini. cuma saya takut untuk bagi tau bapa. macam mana boleh jadi? saya dengan bodoh nya telah menarik handle itu dengan kuat tanpa menyedari bahawa pintu itu berkunci. akibat nya, hampir tercabut.
jelas kan saya ini bukan la manusia yang pandai menjaga en.Boyfriend...;(

soulmate

"but how will i know who my Soulmate is?"

"you could tell your Soulmate by the light in their eyes, and since time began, that has been how people have recognised their true love. the Tradition of the Moon used a different process: a kind of vision that showed a point of light above the left shoulder of your Soulmate."

"by taking risks"

"by risking failure, disappointment, disillusion, but never seizing in your search for Love. as long as you keep looking, you will triumph in the end."

finish reading this book today. what have i learn? i am more to the tradition of the Sun which applied more practical than the theory. yes. i am someone like that.

p/s: i believe in the spark of first time meeting.

beauty is pain

imagine standing in this thing for 2 and half hour for each session starting from morning to noon and noon to evening.
that's how it feels like when you invigilating the SPM examination.
it hurts so bad.
heel is hell.

but i love it.
and i can't complain...;(

stickshift and safety belt

ada taklimat induksi di kK kemarin. gila punya pengurusan. aku paling benci bila tiba-tiba kena panggil untuk benda begini. time rest semasa jaga exam on thursday, ana kena call informed that she and us have to attend the taklimat. at first, mau pigi petang itu. tapi tidak dapat kebenaran keluar kerana pengawas exam yang tinggal outnumbered. so i decided to drive at 3am. and around 3.30, the journey begun.
reach there around 9 and the taklimat only took 10 minutes. yeah i know it sucks. than lepaking with joild and faizal. macam lama betul sudah tidak jumpa ini manusia dua ekor. i'm so happy. contain. check in to the hotel and have like 1 hour sleep. after that we're went to suria to watch the 3D rapunzel. i'm not a big fan of fairy tale. but i do like this movie. got some message from there regarding of mum-daughter relationship. i love the song that the witch keep singing for rapunzel.

"skip the drama...listen to your mama...cause mama knows best"

wondering what kind of shampoo she's using...

i fall in love with one rip curl white shirt. seriously drooling. but it cost me rm189. i have no money. i wanted so badly to buy it. but i'm too shy to ask dad generosity. so i decided to wait until i come back later for the induksi on 13th of december. surprisingly, i buy nothing there except 2 books. can't find the eleven minutes...;( i thought kK is having Y.E.S. but i'm so dissapointed.

hasil persenyawaan dengan harris dan times

you know how much i hate wearing that bloody safety belt when i'm driving. i hate it so much. i hate feeling trap. feels like i can't move myself. i hate that. i hate safety belt. and guess what? big smile to the JPJ please...;)

do you have any idea what is Sistem Belanjawan Diubahsuai?

wave length

i used to get her bob

and her crop

now let's get her sexy wavy hair!!!

isn't she pretty?
even prettier when you have a cute daughter like Suri and such a handsome husband like Tom

Zahir

at first i see invigilating for SPM as one of the hardest burden. you have to work at school holidays while your colleague having fun out there enjoying every single moment of it. but today i have spent two days of it makes me realize lot's of things. this giving me chance to finish up reading all the novels i bought back this past few months when i'm so perasan busy having no time finishing it. other than that, i could spend my day facebooking while standing at the back of the classroom watching the candidates. it's close to heaven. at least.

talking about the book that i just finished this morning, The Zahir by Paulo Coelho. mind me if i chattered too much while giving my point of view of the story. now i understand why they said this book has touch million of people's heart when reading it. i wish i could cry but i just couldn't. so i let my heart cry. why? it touch me in every where. every part of my body. the guy himself feels like me. i used to love someone exactly the way he loves his wife. we love someone so much but not enough to show it to them. as i used to said as long as someone's knows that i love him, it is enough for me. i forget that love means more than saying 'i love you'. i forget that love means commitment. it takes more than anything to stay together. i always think that i know his soul better that he won't leave me for anything. and then when it happen, that's when i realize my idea is totally plain stupid. people be in love to feel the joy of it. to enjoy. to pleasure. not feeling misery. feeling abundance. i don't know.

well, they said, love and dependency come together hand in hand. haha...

back to the book, i like the guy. it's like knowing myself through his perspective. cause i am someone like him in terms of relationship. of feeling. i like when he tried to know his wife back from someone else. someone he never thought his wife mingle with. i love the way of knowing back someone you love cause you might be surprised with what you just find out. it's like back when you first know them. it is so much. too much. meaningful. i like when he feel lost when she's gone. that's when he realize how much he needs her. even he's been surrounded by different women, still he longing for her. longing for the hot chocolate moment. longing for the argument.
oh...i just love the guy. and when it ended that way, that's what i called a total catharsis of a reader like me...;)

i couldn't agree more to this:
"i had lunch with a friend who had just got divorced and she said to me: 'Now i can enjoy all the freedom i've always dream of having'. but that's a lie. no one wants that kind of freedom: we all want commitment, we all want someone to be beside us to enjoy the beauties of Geneva, to discuss books, interviews, films or even to share a sandwich with because there isn't enough money to buy one each. better to eat half sandwich than a whole one. better to be interrupted by the man who wants to get straight back home because there's a big games on TV tonight or by the woman who were stop outside a shop window and interrupts what we were saying about the cathedral tower, far better that than to have the whole of Geneva to yourself with all the time and quiet in the world to visit it".

anything is better than to be alone. cause when you're alone, it's as if you were no longer part of the human race.
OMG, i sound so mature writing something like this...;p

p/s: you have to read it to feel it.

for my next visit, i need to find:
-Eleven minutes
-The Witch of Portobello
-By the River of Piedra I Sat Down and Wept

the time traveler's wife

what it feels like to be in her shoes? to keep waiting. to wait for something unsure. what if he never come back? anything could happen during his travel. anything.
i hate traveler. i hate traveling myself. i hate being parted from someone. i hate away from him. i make myself clear this time. i hate it. cause anything could happen to his heart. anything...;(
and he just away for less than 24 hours.

life as we know it

what would you do when suddenly your best friends died leaving you their one year old kiddo asking you to take care of her with some asshole that you hate mostly?

i haven't go for a movie for quite a long time. last one is during Ramadhan watching step up. and i haven't watching chick flick in cinema for a years. we hate watching light movie in cinema. so last night me and budak kecik go for it. it is as a reward for being so tired doing all the works before the school end. we're having fun last night. a real fun that we didn't get for such a long long time. lately life become so chaotic loaded with works, issues, some random stupid things. kind of tired with all the drama. need a place to hide away.
i'm not placing my place in her shoes. i mean the girl in the movie. but we kind of having the same situation. surrounding with couple, married with kids friends. me also surrounding with dating friend (fizzy and pyan), engaged (rny and jason), married with a baby (halizah and reyzan). and i'm the last single girl. haha...happy. but will i do the same if anything happen to my friends? it's not like i'm wishing for anything. it's just i'm being realistic. i will perhaps. depends on the situation. it's not easy raising others baby. it's a big responsibility. talk about it when it really happen...;)

did i mention the school end just now? yeah, i did. i'm going to teach in the morning session for next year. i always love it. because that means i have a long long time to sleep on the evening. so if you saw me getting chubby and flabby later, please don't say anything. they ask me to teach 5 examination classes. such a huge things to do. wish me luck. i'm keeping my fingers cross for anything good happen. like he said to me 'show them the new you'. haha...maybe. we'll see. everyone knows that i'm such ill discipline teacher. i'm trying my best to make everyone happy. as long as they make me happy.
yesterday is like 'hari makan sedunia' for me. i hate that. no i love it. i start my day with mihun goreng and egg for breakfast. thanks to sarah for the treat. then i eat his nasi goreng cooked by hafiz and cucur bawang. next is nasi himpit with rendang daging. and during English panel final meeting, i eat a cup of baked macaroni, a slice of chocolate cake and 2 slices of carrot cake. on the evening, nizuan brought us to 7 heaven. i eat a slice of green tea cake that taste more like seaweed cake and a cup of vanilla yogurt ice cream. and not to be forgot, a cup of popcorn and a pepsi during the movie. no wonder i can't wear my cotton pants that i'm supposed to wear yesterday. i hate that. is that means i'm supposed to change to size 6 now? OMG!!! now i have to change the whole closet? i need a new bra size and a new pants size? what am i now? one of the biggest loser girl? and in a time like this, i still can think of perming my hair. oh...how much i want that sexy wavy hair like Meredith Grey in Grey's Anatomy.
mission for now: toning my body and get that wavy hair.

he's leaving in less than 12 hours. i start have this feeling since this past few days. i hate when we're parted. it's not like he's going for three weeks, it's 6. it's double of it. i can't see him for that long time. i don't know what he is up to. i can't put him on my radar. i hate this feeling. i hate feeling unease. i hate missing him badly...;(

a saint and a sinner

whoever you are before this, what kind of crime you've ever commit, if your heart is truly mine, i accept you.

i ain't a saint myself. there were bad things i used to do. lot's and lot's of it. and that makes us equal.
i love you for who you are now. your past doesn't bother me at all.
i don't know you before but i know you now. if you willing to change, ready to be the better one, giving your whole heart to me, let's move to the next stage. let's take this chance. the happiness is all ours.
you don't have to be afraid. your secret save with me. just like you keeping mine.

p/s: i'm keeping a single spot in my heart to be hurt. just for rainy days.

happy

mom is not happy with my body. she said i'm not supposed to get fat when i'm still single cause i definitely will get fatter when i'm married. it's running in our blood. sigh...
dady is not happy with my refusal. all my refusal. i'm sorry.
kak lin is not happy with me staying away from home. she has no one here.

when all of them not happy, where can i find the happiness in my heart? nada. zilch.

i wish i could turn back time and do the U-turn.

zexual therapy

;)
super super horny
kepingin banget

Tuhan, bantu aku...please

aku benci bila tidak boleh bercakap tentang itu.
aku benci bila terpaksa bercakap lapik sedang kan semua tau aku jenis outspoken.
aku benci terpaksa menjaga hati nya.
aku benci betapa tidak adil nya keadaan.
aku benci bila jiwa nya serapuh itu.
aku benci bila kewanitaan ku tidak mampu menggugat batin nya.
aku benci bila keindahan ciptaan Tuhan tidak bisa menyentuh naluri nya.
aku benci tau semua itu.

Tuhan, tolong Kau kembali kan diri nya untuk diri ku. teruntuk kan hati nya untuk hati ku. satu kan kami dalam pendamaian. tolong. aku mohon. aku cukup tidak kuat untuk dugaan mu ini. terlalu berat. lapang kan dada ku agar aku bisa melihat, mendengar, merasa dari sisi batin lembut nya. bantu aku memahami nya. membetul kan jiwa nya. bantu aku, ya Allah...;(

: you're very brave girl.
: no, i'm not. i'm afraid. very afraid. only God knows how i feel inside. but i have no choice.

i no putting a hope nor waiting for someone. i'm just being me. reserved. and when someone ask me to keep my option open, i'm blur. what option do i have? it's all up to me. i know it's not that hard to find a guy who really really want me. but the most important thing is, what my heart want. to whom should she seek peaceful, rest and nestle.

still my heart screaming for him asking 'kapan kau jadi milik ku?'.

Hitam Putih Kehidupan

my very first annual dinner with the Bukit Garam clan

hijab and jilbab: Dubai Collection
caftan abayya: Aura Cantik Boutique
shoes: Charles and Keith

so i guess my trip to kK is just to get the shoes. all my dress is bought in Lahad Datu.

January batch teachers

my partner in-crime...trust me, they not as bad as i am.

the three of us: Polar, Koala and Panda
but i think the Koala is getting thinner...;)


we do look good together, right?
too bad...
my heart belong to someone else

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it will always belong to my King Shahryar, him...;)

when i run out of story, will you beheaded me or simply keep me to be the Queen of your heart?

p/s: the only exception, i guess...

life ain't cruel...but we are

macam malas mau cakap. tapi perlu cakap juga.
sir panggil aku kemarin. ya. aku memang guru yang betul-betul ill-discipline.
aku balik suka hati. aku tidak masuk kelas. aku masuk kelas lambat. aku bawa budak ngomong.
aku memang lousy. cukup lousy untuk jadi guru. aku tidak punya jiwa itu.
entah mana bapa dapat idea suruh aku buat degree TESL. kalau tau ending nya begini, lebih baik buat ELS or anything english as long as not teaching.
bukan aku benci kerjaya ni. cuma ia belum menyerap ke jiwa ku. aku cuba. aku usaha untuk cinta. tapi seperti biasa, siapa yang boleh paksa aku untuk buat benda yang aku benci? tidak diri aku sendiri. jauh sekali orang lain.
cukup penat. penat jadi hipokrit di tempat kerja. penat hipokrit depan budak. penat jaga hati semua orang. kadang aku buat semua ni for the sake of Puan Penyelia Petang. sebab dia cukup baik dengan aku. dia tau mana button yang perlu di push untuk soothe aku bila mana terlalu banyak benda jadi di sekolah.
aku faham tempat ni terlalu banyak nonok berbanding penis. mulut dua di darab dengan bilangan guru perempuan. jadi nya havoc.
kalau tutup mulut atas, mulut bawah akan terbuka. yang penis pun kadang-kadang mulut macam lahanat. tak padan dengan pendidikan. aku begitu begini, nampak tak tau agama ka? kau tutup sana sini, kalau mulut kau bau longkang apa guna? kau tau agama sangat? nama sudah register dalam syurga? aku rasa kalau ada dalam list syurga pun, sekarang ni sudah kena delete. mulut kau tak pandai diam. jajah cerita aku sana sini. jajah cerita orang lain sana sini. kau siapa untuk judge aku? kain kau bukan nya tutup rapat sangat pun. peduli apa kalau asal kau dari serambi mekah sekali pun. bukan malaikat. bukan nabi yang cukup terpelihara dari dosa. jangan kacau hal aku bila hal kau sikit pun aku tidak cuit.
baru tau satu cerita. guru yang lain sesi lebih banyak becakap pasal aku. lebih tau pasal aku. hebat!!! tau aku pakai bra size berapa? panty size apa? seluar size apa? baju kasut segala apa? aku pakai bra 34 cup C. ya. cukup besar kan. mesti itu salah satu benda yang kau jeles kan. takut laki lari. takut hilang bf. aku tidak pernah kacau barang orang. kau jangan risau. hati ku selalu untuk nya.
at least aku tidak pretend jadi baik depan orang. apa yang kau lihat di luar, itu la aku. aku tidak pura-pura alim. aku tidak pura-pura lemah lembut sedang di belakang macam setan. aku akui aku gedik. cukup gedik. di rumah aku juga gedik. semua orang tau aku suka minta puji. betebiat. kadang-kadang mama pesan via phone call supaya kurang kan minta puji supaya tidak di benci. ini aku. gedik. lanjik. cukup jelas luaran ku. tapi mana kau tau hati ku? satu sekolah boleh dengar suara aku, ada yang cuba dengar isi hati ku?
school lingo? aku kena ikut ka benda tu? come on la. aku penat untuk takut dengan superior. dulu zaman sekolah takut dengan guru. zaman campus, takut CGPA jatuh dari 3.00. terpaksa kerja keras sikit bila markah di potong sebab kehadiran. tidak kan la zaman bekerja pun kena takut sesama guru? aku cukup dewasa. biar pun agak tidak matang.
mungkin ada pelajar yang terganggu dengan aku. sexually perhaps. aku pakai macam mana pun rasa nya pasti ada yang terganggu. itu biasa berlaku. dulu masa jadi guru ganti pun aku pernah di panggil pihak pentadbir sebab ada laporan pelajar tidak dapat tumpu study bila aku mengajar sebab boleh naik syahwat. aku minta maaf. tiada niat untuk itu. aku tidak minta kurniaan itu. kira nya itu gift. tidak semua orang ada. macam aku cakap dulu, pakai baju kurung longgar pun boleh buat lecturer usia 48 tahun panggil aku 'sexy pink'. mungkin aku patut mula pakai abayya dan purdah semasa mengajar.
kau boleh cakap aku tulis benda ni dalam ketidakwarasan. persetan kalau sir baca sekali pun tentang ini. aku penat. aku tidak kuat. aku benci keadaan ini. kenapa la bodoh sangat tidak urus pindah dari awal dulu masa semua orang mau tolong? suka sangat cuba tempat baru. terlalu dengar cakap bapa. patut nya dengar cakap mama. kalau tidak, tidak la ending nya begini.
tidak kan ada yang mampu bertahan dengan aku melain kan kau bapa. dan aku sangat membutuh kan kau. semalam tawa mu buat aku sakit hati. sakit jiwa sebab tidak boleh berada dalam rangkulan kau dan menangis sepuas nya. seperti biasa aku cukup rindu kan kata-kata mu dan janji manis untuk beli kan aku itu ini demi memujuk ku yang sedang bersedih.
jiwa ku tidak cukup kuat. lembut. rapuh. dan sekarang mulai jiwang dengan hadir nya dia. selain budak kecik dan sahabat karib, dia banyak jadi penguat semangat walaupun kadang-kadang cukup menyakit kan hati. rasa nya ingin saja lari ke rumah nya semalam dan mengetuk pintu nya agar dapat baring di lengan nya. menangis dan menggigit nya sampai hilang semua rasa beban dalam jiwa.
terlalu banyak terbuku. aku tidak cukup terbuka bila bicara soal hati dan perasaan. aku selalu ikut rentak orang. ikut apa mau nya orang agar rebel ku tidak kelihatan. walaupun aku tau ada sesetengah yang cukup tau keinginan ku untuk memberontak. aku reserved.
aku pigi kK minta duit kau ka? aku beli itu ini guna duit kau ka? tidak kan? jadi apa yang di kecoh kan sampai di jadi kan isu? heran. kau pigi satu dunia sekali pun aku tidak heran. lain la kalau kau minta duit aku tadi untuk itu.
aku tidak minta banyak. jangan kacau aku. jangan ambil tau hal aku. jangan cakap belakang tentang aku. kau buat kerja kau. aku buat kerja aku. jangan pandai-pandai mau label orang sekitar ku. mereka cukup baik.

p/s: sekejam mana lagi yang kau mampu buat? sila kan...aku tidak gentar. kau kuat kan aku. terima kasih.

amusement

namaste...

i love saree...

kareena zila kapoor...;)

gedik. jelas lagi terbukti.
saya akui.
tapi losyen pati halia itu memang mustajab.
terbukti berhasil.
saya gembira.
lupa seketika semua benda yang jadi di sekolah.

chasing pirate

i just need a place to hide away. to get rid of everything here. it's not like i hate here. but it seems like here can't accept who i am outside. here don't even give a damn about inside me. here don't give me a chance to grow up like i supposed to.

everything is getting worse. my life. my work. my social circle. yeah...i hate my work. not because i hate teaching. but i hate everything about it. this is going to happen when you've been forced to do something your heart resist. i should do Literature instead of TESL. i love the language but not the science of teaching it. i should do ELS where i can study the language. where i can do the syntax which i love mostly. where i can draw the sentence tree like i used to do in William Taylor class. where i can study the semantic, the discourse of that language. oh...i hate teaching. and i admit that i'm such a lousy teacher. i didn't enter the class like i'm supposed to. i came to the class 10 minutes late. i'm teaching skill-oriented. i don't care whether they can answer that well in the examination. as long as they can speak a chunk of english words, they can write, they understand my direction, it's okey to me. i hate exam-oriented class. language is supposed to be a skill. it is something you use everyday. what is the point if you can answer in the exam but you can't apply it in daily life? see...that's the different. how do i know? i'm having the best skill-oriented english teacher for the whole life of mine.

now my social life consist of four people i used to hang around. budak kecik, sahabat karib, partner in-crime and my angel, him. i'm back to my old self. something i don't want to. i hate my life. it's not like i'm not happy with it. but i'm just too happy and satisfied with what the Big Guy up there giving me. the rest is not that important. this place is full with the superficial, gossip girl, and the P clan. i'd rather be the wall flower than be one of them. i'd rather do my own things with my friends. weird when they still care what i've been up to lately. even weirder when they know things i don't know about me. ces't la vie, zila.

i'm such ill-discipline person. i have a problem in following rules. i don't like when people demanding me to do something. to be someone i'm not. i'm the most rebellious person. i admit it. but one thing for sure, i never influenced people close to me to be like me. i know people start accusing me of making a few nice people turn to be me. all i can say is 'sorry'. i never meant that way. i'm just a girl who try to live my life in this 'used to be cool' place. i'm tired of people having bad perspective about me when they don't even know me. like i said to Dani last time, you have to go on a trip, at least one trip with me to get to know me better. i guess Dani can judge me right now. he had one ride with me and i think we're doing better. i know i'm such a bad person. it took me so long to be nicer. you can't change me in the blink of eyes. in a push of a button. give me some time. give me some space. i can do better. i promise. cause right now i am in this phase of becoming greater person. i am. i ask one thing, please stop labeling my friend. they not as bad as me. they're way nicer. way nicer than those superficial. they my savior. at least they know who is the real me inside.

to my friends: i'm sorry all of you have to go through this just because of me. i'm sorry if people start saying you such a bad teacher, bad person. i'm sorry for every thing happen lately. i'm sorry. i never thought things will become ugly like this. i never thought high school life won't leave me after all this time. i never thought grown up is cruel sometimes. i never thought cause you know that i hate thinking.
you: thanks for always be there when life here turning so ugly and so cruel to me. don't know how to show my gratitude towards you.

ini kali barang yang semua orang cakap aku cari jauh-jauh...it's cheaper there
mau habis sudah yang lama...it tighten my skin and firming my body
i hate when there is some part of me yang selalu goyang-goyang bila bejalan...

welcoming my new muses...;)
too bad can't get Girl of Riyadh and Nadia's Song..;(

p/s: budak-budak tu semua terpengaruh dengan zila la ni...(ayat biasa dengar dari zaman belasan tahun)

Orca si puji minta

i guess he's right about something. he once said 'i bet just like the owner, Orca loves to sulk too'. but i try to deny it.

dari kemarin lagi Orca betebiat terus. first, time aku mau keluar pigi breakfast. tayar depan dia pancit. pada hal tiada juga kena apa-apa. dari malam nya lagi parking bagus-bagus ja dia sana garage. nasib ada nizuan tolong tukar. kalau tidak, habis la. aku bukan nya kuat mau buka tu tayar. kemarin tu pun aku try, mau mati ja rasa nya nda juga pandai tepusing tu bolt nut.
rasa nya aku tau kali napa dia beminta puji gitu tu. time di LD aku test drive Vios depan dia. orang test drive ja pun. bukan mau beli. bukan mau tukar dia. Orca macam nda pandai faham orang sayang betul sama dia. hari-hari aku belai dia pun macam sia-sia ja. hari-hari juga dia mau buat taik.
then this morning, masih lagi aku tidur ada lagi guard panggil bagi tau itu tayar pancit. kali ni tayar belakang lagi. punya sandi. tidak tau mau buat apa, aku call bapa. sempat lagi aku menangis suruh bapa datang pigi sini. then bapa cakap tukar la tu kereta kalau balik-balik ada ja dia buat hal. bah...tambah la aku menangis. orang sayang jatuh cinta setengah mati sudah sama orca. terus aku tengok ngam-ngam dia turun tangga mau pigi garage, aku cakap dengan bapa mau lap air mata dulu sebelum dia tengok aku menangis. dia suruh bawa tu che Maznah hantar tu tayar pigi workshop sana batu 5. dia tidak dapat ikut sebab ada program sana dewan. tapi dia suruh guard ikut sekali. baik kan che Maznah sama dia. you both, you're the best sayang. thank you so much...;)
me and Orca owe you big time.

p/s: you, thanks for always be there for me. biar pun kadang-kadang gaya ku macam taik. love you to bits.

demi...

saya tidak pandai berjuang.
demi cinta.
saya tidak suka bersaing.
demi cinta.
saya selalu nya akan menyerah kalah kepada siapa pun.
demi cinta.
andai ada orang yang mengingin kan dia, saya mungkin jatuh.
saya mungkin bleed.
battered.
seperti dulu.
seperti yang pernah terjadi.
dan saat itu, semua menyaksi kan perjuangan seorang bapa.
demi anak perempuan nya.
ya, seperti waktu itu juga.
akan di penuhi malam-malam seorang bapa dengan menghabis kan malam nya memeluk dan cuba menenang kan.
akan di habis kan hari-hari nya dengan meminta kepada-Nya kekuatan.
semua nya demi anak perempuan nya.
demi saya.

akan ka?
sebab saya mulai rasa ada yang berkongsi rasa yang sama dengan saya terhadap nya.
tolong jangan di ambil walau pun bukan milik saya.
ya, saya memang begini.
sebab saya penat merengek.
saya kesian kan kawan baik.
lately tidur malam nya terganggu.
kerana menurut nya tanpa saya sedari saya mulai merengek dalam tidur.
semalaman bermula tutup mata sampai ke subuh.
biasa nya rengekan menanda kan saya sakit.
mungkin ada bahagian yang sakit dalam diri.
kata kawan baik lagi, perasaan saya tidak boleh di sakiti kerana itu boleh lead kepada sakit fizikal.
pernah berlaku.
sakit inside out.
tolong jangan di hadir kan rasa itu.
saya tidak kuat.
demi Tuhan.

mabul trip

i so damn wanted to go to this place again.

a temptation a swimmer couldn't resist

they plan a trip to go to this island this coming weekend. and only God knows how much i want to go too. but somehow island give me a creep. it gives me butterfly. no. it's not because the jelly fish incident last kaamatan. it's because every time i think about island, only one thing come in my mind. his happy face and her riding on the banana boat. i saw it with my bare eyes. i thought i'm move on. strong enough to resist every thing about him. but still there's some split of him haunted me whenever i'm ecstatic with my current life. i just couldn't get it off my mind.
a talk with Bryan the other night let my mind occupied with the vision of him. it's not because of love for sure. because i'm so damn certain that i no longer in love with him. it's just it is something i couldn't, i won't get for the rest of my life. even it is used to be mine. i hate myself and the thoughts of him makes me numb. like Bryan said 'be strong for yourself'. how i wish i could. i know i'm strong enough to handle the temptation of thinking about him. it's just my mind couldn't help herself to it. i'm not that strong to let my foot on that white sandy beach. i just can't let myself touch the water. i'm scared.

p/s: kadang-kadang telampau penat berlari dari masa lalu bila ending nya still menghantui. lagi sakit bila rasa itu telah tiada tapi ada cebisan nya yang tinggal as a poison.

the sound of the piano helps me suck up the poison...;)

let see how we go...

i love this song so much and i just couldn't get enough of it. i listen to it since last year but until today, i still can repeat it in my playlist all day long. i guess that's why my iPod hang last time.

i love the clip. i love the idea of kidnapping someone you have your eyes own. i mean it stupid yet so damn cool. i used to think of doing this to him. keep him in my house for a day. do nothing but loiter around. feed him. singing for him. talking random stuff like we used to do. i think i could do some slightly different version. instead of sleeping alone, i let him lie down next to me and i snuggle near him so i could share the sniff of his delicate smell. so cute. i know, right. yeah...silly me.

who'd have known
who'd have known
when you flash up on my phone
i no longer feel alone

p/s: people used to ask me why i chose you among them all. but i don't have any answer to that question.

pleasure

i love home and i love my weekend.
why?

the food is heaven.
i can spend my evening play hide and seek with my nephew, haziq.
i can spend my time listening to my niece, Ameng about her school.
i can hear mum and my sister-in-law gossiping.
i get to watch Ugly Betty.
i can write this entry at my favorite spot (mum's room).
while i lie down on the bed writing this, dad and abang man sitting watching Animal Planet right now. something they have in common.
i love when i can spend my time talk randomly about things happen in my life lately with these two hero of mine- dady and abang man. then i can hear their laugh making fun of me.

oh...oh...i just love home.

a gift

from Bali by partner-in-crime...iwan, you know what crime we just commit lately...;p

big thing come in a small package

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tada...

my new toy
;p
isn't it adorable?


God bless my ride
hahahaha...

p/s: NO. i'm not that horny. a little bit perhaps...;p

eggy

bila ada telur yang tidak di senyawa kan, mungkin akan lead to PMS. hasil nya bakal menjadi gorila untuk beberapa hari. atau juga minggu. pipi akan berasa sakit sebab terlalu banyak bermasam muka. how i wish i have someone to cheer me up. mungkin juga akan penat makan hati sendiri terhadap benda sekeliling. sakit jiwa sendiri. hasil nya akan menjejas kan P&P sebab budak yang akan menjadi mangsa. rasa nya pihak pentadbir sudah cukup kenal bila dengar jeritan suruh budak keluar bediri di luar. kesian budak. kesian lagi saya. tidak pernah minta pun benda jadi begini. mood swing yang teruk itu ada la salah satu anugerah saya yang terindah selain merajuk.
hormonal, i'm in love with you. yeah babeh...;)

waiting and counting...

yeah, this is life babe...

Here's the day you hoped would never come
Don't feed me violins
just run with me through rows of speeding cars.
The papercuts the cheating lovers
The coffee's never strong enough
i know you think it's more than just bad luck

There there baby
it's just text book stuff
it's in the ABC of growing up
Now, now darling
oh don't lose your head
cause none of us were angels
and you know I love you yeah

Sleeping pills know sleeping dogs lie
never far enough away
Glistening in the cold sweat of guilt
I've watched you slowly winding down for years
You can't keep on like this...
now's a bad a time as any

time will heals every thing...i promise you that.

let her ramble

it's october and it means school almost end. this is my first year of teaching, so i decided to buy me an autograph book which i'm going to ask all my colleagues to sign it just like we used to do back when we're in secondary school. i just want to know what would grown-up write when they've been asked to do such silly things. i'm seriously going to buy me one no matter if i end up feel so lame and uncool. i should start with our own Mr.Principal...;)

where can i find something cheesy like this?

i know i should read more. i used to love literature so much. i used to read printed things. but now to make me finish 250 pages of novel take me ages. i don't know what's wrong with me. i'm not that busy. not at home. not even at school. i just loiter around with my friends without doing nothing but laugh over a stupid jokes that we used to make to fill our time when we don't really have class to enter. and when i'm home, all i do is online without knowing where should i head to. as if i'm scared i'm paying that bill for what if i'm not using it. the bad things is, i stay online but all i do actually is listening to my playlist. currently keep listening to Random Awesome. keep playing it until i'm getting sick and tired. or maybe until i find another song to be my muse. i just don't get it.

i don't know what happen to myself but it seems i'm becoming more reserved day by day. i start to choose my friend. i choose who to talk to. i choose to who should i smile and to whom i shouldn't. i don't mingle to someone out of my circle. i feel like i'm back to my old self. i hate that. i'm trying so hard not to be that person anymore. i guess it's just my nature. little by little, it start to show up. i'm just keep praying that nobody going to start to hate me. i'm tired of drama.

and tonight before dinner, i saw ana cutting a honey dew. suddenly it reminds me of dady and home. when i'm at home i never do such thing. dady will do it for mummy and me. all we know is there are melon and honey dew or papaya in the fridge ready to be eat. oh..i just love home. my palm getting rough. i don't know why but i kinda hate it. i like when my hand feel so supple and silky soft. i don't know what's wrong with it. i used to do laundry at home. i used to do the house chores when i'm at home. and this things never happen before. in fact, my hands is one of the supplest hand among us. but now every thing change. now i start to feel shy to shake hand with people. i'm scared they might knew that i have such rough hands as if i'm doing hard work for the rest of my life. oh...totally turn off. how can i shake hand with my future in-law.
sorry i ramble a lot tonight. i'm not in a very good mood. suddenly feeling so hormonal.

something to cheer me up, we get to see our picture for the school magazine today. i have to admit that i look stunningly beautiful in the computer club picture. then i keep show it to every one in staff room how pretty i am in that picture. every one seems agree with a little force to admit it. but then our PK Kokum come on the evening before the assembly. i showed it to him and ask whether i look good on it or not. he said 'gambar kelab apa ni? cantik ja. duduk sama rendah. gaya senyum pun sama. tapi mata Arab tu biar hamdani yang cakap la'. hahaha...
actually it is a picture of me and him. we do look good together. i love how the picture speak thousand words. you should see my smile. yeah..i try to smile sweetly whenever we take a picture together. remind me of his text this morning. "ya sangat cantik+manis senyuman mu di sini...cantik sangat la gambar ni"...;))))

him

napa kau pilih dia?
napa mesti dia yang kau suka?
napa mesti dia yang kau ingin kan?

aku suka sifat nya.
aku suka sikap nya.
aku suka jual mahal nya.
aku suka dia menghilang dan tiba-tiba hadir semula.
aku suka keangkuhan nya.
aku suka kata-kata nya.
aku suka bila dia pakai kemeja checkered.
aku suka school attire nya.
aku paling suka bau nya.

aku penat memanjat. tidak salah sekira nya bertukar angin untuk di panjat, bukan?

pampered

it's been a long time since the last time he pamper me with food. i was sick for this past few days and feel so very weak. you know me when i'm sick right. as if i'm in my last breath. even fizzy can't stand the-suddenly-extra-fussy-me. merengek nda pandai diam. i'm sorry...;(

when i saw a girl bring a food case to the canteen last friday, i ask her what's inside it. she said it is chicken porridge cooked by her mum at home. and just like that i dialed his number.

me: where are you?
he: hostel.
me: i saw a girl eating chicken porridge at the school canteen.
he: the canteen now serve porridge?
me: no. her mum cook for her at home.
he: oohh...
me: i want it. kinda craving. can you cook it for me?
he: see first if i go to the market later.
me: then go. i want to eat it.

and yeah, that night i'm having chicken porridge for dinner with a message 'jangan suruh tecer zila makan banyak. pantat dia tu besar sudah'. i do listen to you. i no longer eat a lot. like real lot.

sedap

fizzy is out dating and here i am rambling about him with a glass of vanilla tea...;)

and i smile i love no
i laugh happier somehow
no i don't know what is up with me
i laugh too much recently

no, they don't know much about us
when we're exchanging glances
let's watch something random
turned to something awesome

p/s: apa yang menahan hati kau dari benda bahagia? your past or the present?

smells like teen spirit

nirmala said i look exactly like my dad. haha...i like. i always admire all my male cousins from dad side. they look so handsome. like damn handsome. even my brothers look handsome too. they've been blessed with the most beautiful nose and chin. only abang Joel doesn't have dad's look because he is more to mum side. kurang handsome. paling handsome abang man. yes. definitely. but nothing beat dady except my cousin, abang Kelana.

talking about something else, i used to shower for over 30 minutes. my friends wonder what took me so long. look, i'm tall and kind of broad. i have to do more cleaning la. haha...i love scrubbing my body. foaming is not enough. it can be longer when i'm shampooing my hair. this is because i have to do the bathing twice. the first round is for shampoo and scrubbing. then conditioning my hair and foaming my body. only after that i feel like heaven. i'm not that hygienic freak. but i do take a good care of myself. i love to keep myself clean and smells like roses. that's why i use Body Shop Moroccan Rose shower gel so i end up smell like a princess..;) at night, i love to use Body Shop Olive shower gel for i love the fresh smell before bed. it helps me calm and sooth so i can have better sleep. then when i snuggle into my bed, just like that, my eyes close and i no longer on earth. welcome dreamland. hehe... the main point is, i love feeling clean and smell so nicey.

smell play important role in my life. i notice every single things i smell and i keep it in my memory. it helps me feel the deja vu. i love remembering people's smell. i notice every single smell of him. i know which one sedap and which one is not. i know which smell can ignite my senses. and i wish he used that bau yang sedap everyday so i can be teruja every time he's near. but sometimes he's bau smells more girly. i know fizzy, nizuan, pyan or whoever coming just by their smell. i'm kind of sensitive towards smell. yes, i love fragrance so much. but i'm not the kind of girl who's having like ten bottles of perfume at one time. to me perfume is iconography. it represent who you are. for example, i want whenever you smell ckIN2u, you know it's me coming. you know someone just by the smell of him/her. awesomeness, right? i know.

i'm not asking much to myself. i only wish that i have bigger boobs and ass. cause currently it's becoming my mantra every time i'm facing the mirror. it's totally heaven to be like kim kardashian. she's having the best curvy body a girl ever wish. i don't care if paris hilton and her clan trying so hard to be skinny. that never attract me since forever. but i know i should love myself for what the mother nature gave me. yes, i'm happy. damn happy with my so-called great life. thank you, Lord.

the sweet humble face with that angelic body
one word: H.O.T

Speeding will not bring you closer to heaven

-Anoneemus-

kak rosnah: kau ka balik sendiri ka kemarin dari tawau? laju nya. sampai laki ku tanya perempuan ka lelaki yang drive tu?

kamsah: laju nya kau semalam. belimpas kita di lot M.

fizzy: aku cakap terus terang. kau macam apa sekarang drive. makin teruk. bukan setakat laju. tapi bahaya.

pyan: laju nya kau drive.

dia: drive hati-hati.
kalau hujan jalan licin.
don't speeding.

me: entah. macam sial ja bila semua orang sudah start complain. i know i should love myself more. but this only happen whenever i drive alone. but when i'm with someone, i try so hard to make that person feel safe. i just don't know what's got into me lately. i seems can't differentiate between 80 and 120.
i used to drive around 100-120. as long as i still can count the tree nearby, that means i didn't reach my limit. only on occasion i go more than that. only when i'm not myself. when i feel like a shit. i can't promise anything right now. because this is me. i don't know how to control it.
but this morning fizzy suddenly said 'kau ni mau kena dulu, baru kau pandai jerak. mau ada yang mati dulu baru kau berenti'. gulp....sentap. i know. bye.

go pinky!!!

it's pink month girls. the breast cancer campaign is start again. i remember if i were in kK, this is the best time ever where i and all my friends will start wearing the pink ribbon every where we go. we usually get our pink ribbon from clinique booth in parkson. but this year i guess i could do nothing much. to show my attribution to this campaign this year, i get myself levis breast cancer campaign tees. it so cute and i couldn't help myself to own it even i'm almost broke already...;)

let's go pink for the whole month

isn't she pretty?

cleo 180th edition is all about breast cancer also. kim kardashian is the cover girl and she as usual look smokingly hot. i'm drooling seeing her curvy body. i think every one should be proud for what mother nature gives us. and i should embracing myself for what it is. doesn't matter if every one keep saying i'm getting fatter. like i said before gemuk is another IT thing. the next thing you know, every one will start wishing they have boobies like scarlet johanson, megan fox and kimmy. i wish for it too..;)
oh yeah, kimmy is now dating christiano ronaldo. cool, huh...



he: dah mula la tu...
me: you know me well enough not to let it started..;(