everything is getting worse. my life. my work. my social circle. yeah...i hate my work. not because i hate teaching. but i hate everything about it. this is going to happen when you've been forced to do something your heart resist. i should do Literature instead of TESL. i love the language but not the science of teaching it. i should do ELS where i can study the language. where i can do the syntax which i love mostly. where i can draw the sentence tree like i used to do in William Taylor class. where i can study the semantic, the discourse of that language. oh...i hate teaching. and i admit that i'm such a lousy teacher. i didn't enter the class like i'm supposed to. i came to the class 10 minutes late. i'm teaching skill-oriented. i don't care whether they can answer that well in the examination. as long as they can speak a chunk of english words, they can write, they understand my direction, it's okey to me. i hate exam-oriented class. language is supposed to be a skill. it is something you use everyday. what is the point if you can answer in the exam but you can't apply it in daily life? see...that's the different. how do i know? i'm having the best skill-oriented english teacher for the whole life of mine.
now my social life consist of four people i used to hang around. budak kecik, sahabat karib, partner in-crime and my angel, him. i'm back to my old self. something i don't want to. i hate my life. it's not like i'm not happy with it. but i'm just too happy and satisfied with what the Big Guy up there giving me. the rest is not that important. this place is full with the superficial, gossip girl, and the P clan. i'd rather be the wall flower than be one of them. i'd rather do my own things with my friends. weird when they still care what i've been up to lately. even weirder when they know things i don't know about me. ces't la vie, zila.
i'm such ill-discipline person. i have a problem in following rules. i don't like when people demanding me to do something. to be someone i'm not. i'm the most rebellious person. i admit it. but one thing for sure, i never influenced people close to me to be like me. i know people start accusing me of making a few nice people turn to be me. all i can say is 'sorry'. i never meant that way. i'm just a girl who try to live my life in this 'used to be cool' place. i'm tired of people having bad perspective about me when they don't even know me. like i said to Dani last time, you have to go on a trip, at least one trip with me to get to know me better. i guess Dani can judge me right now. he had one ride with me and i think we're doing better. i know i'm such a bad person. it took me so long to be nicer. you can't change me in the blink of eyes. in a push of a button. give me some time. give me some space. i can do better. i promise. cause right now i am in this phase of becoming greater person. i am. i ask one thing, please stop labeling my friend. they not as bad as me. they're way nicer. way nicer than those superficial. they my savior. at least they know who is the real me inside.
to my friends: i'm sorry all of you have to go through this just because of me. i'm sorry if people start saying you such a bad teacher, bad person. i'm sorry for every thing happen lately. i'm sorry. i never thought things will become ugly like this. i never thought high school life won't leave me after all this time. i never thought grown up is cruel sometimes. i never thought cause you know that i hate thinking.
you: thanks for always be there when life here turning so ugly and so cruel to me. don't know how to show my gratitude towards you.
ini kali barang yang semua orang cakap aku cari jauh-jauh...it's cheaper theremau habis sudah yang lama...it tighten my skin and firming my body
i hate when there is some part of me yang selalu goyang-goyang bila bejalan...
welcoming my new muses...;)too bad can't get Girl of Riyadh and Nadia's Song..;(
p/s: budak-budak tu semua terpengaruh dengan zila la ni...(ayat biasa dengar dari zaman belasan tahun)
