mom is not happy with my body. she said i'm not supposed to get fat when i'm still single cause i definitely will get fatter when i'm married. it's running in our blood. sigh...
dady is not happy with my refusal. all my refusal. i'm sorry.
kak lin is not happy with me staying away from home. she has no one here.
when all of them not happy, where can i find the happiness in my heart? nada. zilch.
i wish i could turn back time and do the U-turn.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Tuhan, bantu aku...please
aku benci bila tidak boleh bercakap tentang itu.
aku benci bila terpaksa bercakap lapik sedang kan semua tau aku jenis outspoken.
aku benci terpaksa menjaga hati nya.
aku benci betapa tidak adil nya keadaan.
aku benci bila jiwa nya serapuh itu.
aku benci bila kewanitaan ku tidak mampu menggugat batin nya.
aku benci bila keindahan ciptaan Tuhan tidak bisa menyentuh naluri nya.
aku benci tau semua itu.
Tuhan, tolong Kau kembali kan diri nya untuk diri ku. teruntuk kan hati nya untuk hati ku. satu kan kami dalam pendamaian. tolong. aku mohon. aku cukup tidak kuat untuk dugaan mu ini. terlalu berat. lapang kan dada ku agar aku bisa melihat, mendengar, merasa dari sisi batin lembut nya. bantu aku memahami nya. membetul kan jiwa nya. bantu aku, ya Allah...;(
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
: you're very brave girl.
: no, i'm not. i'm afraid. very afraid. only God knows how i feel inside. but i have no choice.
i no putting a hope nor waiting for someone. i'm just being me. reserved. and when someone ask me to keep my option open, i'm blur. what option do i have? it's all up to me. i know it's not that hard to find a guy who really really want me. but the most important thing is, what my heart want. to whom should she seek peaceful, rest and nestle.
still my heart screaming for him asking 'kapan kau jadi milik ku?'.
: no, i'm not. i'm afraid. very afraid. only God knows how i feel inside. but i have no choice.
i no putting a hope nor waiting for someone. i'm just being me. reserved. and when someone ask me to keep my option open, i'm blur. what option do i have? it's all up to me. i know it's not that hard to find a guy who really really want me. but the most important thing is, what my heart want. to whom should she seek peaceful, rest and nestle.
still my heart screaming for him asking 'kapan kau jadi milik ku?'.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Hitam Putih Kehidupan
my very first annual dinner with the Bukit Garam clan
hijab and jilbab: Dubai Collectioncaftan abayya: Aura Cantik Boutique
shoes: Charles and Keith
so i guess my trip to kK is just to get the shoes. all my dress is bought in Lahad Datu.
January batch teachers
my partner in-crime...trust me, they not as bad as i am.
the three of us: Polar, Koala and Pandabut i think the Koala is getting thinner...;)
we do look good together, right?too bad...
my heart belong to someone else
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it will always belong to my King Shahryar, him...;)
when i run out of story, will you beheaded me or simply keep me to be the Queen of your heart?p/s: the only exception, i guess...
Thursday, November 4, 2010
life ain't cruel...but we are
macam malas mau cakap. tapi perlu cakap juga.
sir panggil aku kemarin. ya. aku memang guru yang betul-betul ill-discipline.
aku balik suka hati. aku tidak masuk kelas. aku masuk kelas lambat. aku bawa budak ngomong.
aku memang lousy. cukup lousy untuk jadi guru. aku tidak punya jiwa itu.
entah mana bapa dapat idea suruh aku buat degree TESL. kalau tau ending nya begini, lebih baik buat ELS or anything english as long as not teaching.
bukan aku benci kerjaya ni. cuma ia belum menyerap ke jiwa ku. aku cuba. aku usaha untuk cinta. tapi seperti biasa, siapa yang boleh paksa aku untuk buat benda yang aku benci? tidak diri aku sendiri. jauh sekali orang lain.
cukup penat. penat jadi hipokrit di tempat kerja. penat hipokrit depan budak. penat jaga hati semua orang. kadang aku buat semua ni for the sake of Puan Penyelia Petang. sebab dia cukup baik dengan aku. dia tau mana button yang perlu di push untuk soothe aku bila mana terlalu banyak benda jadi di sekolah.
aku faham tempat ni terlalu banyak nonok berbanding penis. mulut dua di darab dengan bilangan guru perempuan. jadi nya havoc.
kalau tutup mulut atas, mulut bawah akan terbuka. yang penis pun kadang-kadang mulut macam lahanat. tak padan dengan pendidikan. aku begitu begini, nampak tak tau agama ka? kau tutup sana sini, kalau mulut kau bau longkang apa guna? kau tau agama sangat? nama sudah register dalam syurga? aku rasa kalau ada dalam list syurga pun, sekarang ni sudah kena delete. mulut kau tak pandai diam. jajah cerita aku sana sini. jajah cerita orang lain sana sini. kau siapa untuk judge aku? kain kau bukan nya tutup rapat sangat pun. peduli apa kalau asal kau dari serambi mekah sekali pun. bukan malaikat. bukan nabi yang cukup terpelihara dari dosa. jangan kacau hal aku bila hal kau sikit pun aku tidak cuit.
baru tau satu cerita. guru yang lain sesi lebih banyak becakap pasal aku. lebih tau pasal aku. hebat!!! tau aku pakai bra size berapa? panty size apa? seluar size apa? baju kasut segala apa? aku pakai bra 34 cup C. ya. cukup besar kan. mesti itu salah satu benda yang kau jeles kan. takut laki lari. takut hilang bf. aku tidak pernah kacau barang orang. kau jangan risau. hati ku selalu untuk nya.
at least aku tidak pretend jadi baik depan orang. apa yang kau lihat di luar, itu la aku. aku tidak pura-pura alim. aku tidak pura-pura lemah lembut sedang di belakang macam setan. aku akui aku gedik. cukup gedik. di rumah aku juga gedik. semua orang tau aku suka minta puji. betebiat. kadang-kadang mama pesan via phone call supaya kurang kan minta puji supaya tidak di benci. ini aku. gedik. lanjik. cukup jelas luaran ku. tapi mana kau tau hati ku? satu sekolah boleh dengar suara aku, ada yang cuba dengar isi hati ku?
school lingo? aku kena ikut ka benda tu? come on la. aku penat untuk takut dengan superior. dulu zaman sekolah takut dengan guru. zaman campus, takut CGPA jatuh dari 3.00. terpaksa kerja keras sikit bila markah di potong sebab kehadiran. tidak kan la zaman bekerja pun kena takut sesama guru? aku cukup dewasa. biar pun agak tidak matang.
mungkin ada pelajar yang terganggu dengan aku. sexually perhaps. aku pakai macam mana pun rasa nya pasti ada yang terganggu. itu biasa berlaku. dulu masa jadi guru ganti pun aku pernah di panggil pihak pentadbir sebab ada laporan pelajar tidak dapat tumpu study bila aku mengajar sebab boleh naik syahwat. aku minta maaf. tiada niat untuk itu. aku tidak minta kurniaan itu. kira nya itu gift. tidak semua orang ada. macam aku cakap dulu, pakai baju kurung longgar pun boleh buat lecturer usia 48 tahun panggil aku 'sexy pink'. mungkin aku patut mula pakai abayya dan purdah semasa mengajar.
kau boleh cakap aku tulis benda ni dalam ketidakwarasan. persetan kalau sir baca sekali pun tentang ini. aku penat. aku tidak kuat. aku benci keadaan ini. kenapa la bodoh sangat tidak urus pindah dari awal dulu masa semua orang mau tolong? suka sangat cuba tempat baru. terlalu dengar cakap bapa. patut nya dengar cakap mama. kalau tidak, tidak la ending nya begini.
tidak kan ada yang mampu bertahan dengan aku melain kan kau bapa. dan aku sangat membutuh kan kau. semalam tawa mu buat aku sakit hati. sakit jiwa sebab tidak boleh berada dalam rangkulan kau dan menangis sepuas nya. seperti biasa aku cukup rindu kan kata-kata mu dan janji manis untuk beli kan aku itu ini demi memujuk ku yang sedang bersedih.
jiwa ku tidak cukup kuat. lembut. rapuh. dan sekarang mulai jiwang dengan hadir nya dia. selain budak kecik dan sahabat karib, dia banyak jadi penguat semangat walaupun kadang-kadang cukup menyakit kan hati. rasa nya ingin saja lari ke rumah nya semalam dan mengetuk pintu nya agar dapat baring di lengan nya. menangis dan menggigit nya sampai hilang semua rasa beban dalam jiwa.
terlalu banyak terbuku. aku tidak cukup terbuka bila bicara soal hati dan perasaan. aku selalu ikut rentak orang. ikut apa mau nya orang agar rebel ku tidak kelihatan. walaupun aku tau ada sesetengah yang cukup tau keinginan ku untuk memberontak. aku reserved.
aku pigi kK minta duit kau ka? aku beli itu ini guna duit kau ka? tidak kan? jadi apa yang di kecoh kan sampai di jadi kan isu? heran. kau pigi satu dunia sekali pun aku tidak heran. lain la kalau kau minta duit aku tadi untuk itu.
aku tidak minta banyak. jangan kacau aku. jangan ambil tau hal aku. jangan cakap belakang tentang aku. kau buat kerja kau. aku buat kerja aku. jangan pandai-pandai mau label orang sekitar ku. mereka cukup baik.
p/s: sekejam mana lagi yang kau mampu buat? sila kan...aku tidak gentar. kau kuat kan aku. terima kasih.
sir panggil aku kemarin. ya. aku memang guru yang betul-betul ill-discipline.
aku balik suka hati. aku tidak masuk kelas. aku masuk kelas lambat. aku bawa budak ngomong.
aku memang lousy. cukup lousy untuk jadi guru. aku tidak punya jiwa itu.
entah mana bapa dapat idea suruh aku buat degree TESL. kalau tau ending nya begini, lebih baik buat ELS or anything english as long as not teaching.
bukan aku benci kerjaya ni. cuma ia belum menyerap ke jiwa ku. aku cuba. aku usaha untuk cinta. tapi seperti biasa, siapa yang boleh paksa aku untuk buat benda yang aku benci? tidak diri aku sendiri. jauh sekali orang lain.
cukup penat. penat jadi hipokrit di tempat kerja. penat hipokrit depan budak. penat jaga hati semua orang. kadang aku buat semua ni for the sake of Puan Penyelia Petang. sebab dia cukup baik dengan aku. dia tau mana button yang perlu di push untuk soothe aku bila mana terlalu banyak benda jadi di sekolah.
aku faham tempat ni terlalu banyak nonok berbanding penis. mulut dua di darab dengan bilangan guru perempuan. jadi nya havoc.
kalau tutup mulut atas, mulut bawah akan terbuka. yang penis pun kadang-kadang mulut macam lahanat. tak padan dengan pendidikan. aku begitu begini, nampak tak tau agama ka? kau tutup sana sini, kalau mulut kau bau longkang apa guna? kau tau agama sangat? nama sudah register dalam syurga? aku rasa kalau ada dalam list syurga pun, sekarang ni sudah kena delete. mulut kau tak pandai diam. jajah cerita aku sana sini. jajah cerita orang lain sana sini. kau siapa untuk judge aku? kain kau bukan nya tutup rapat sangat pun. peduli apa kalau asal kau dari serambi mekah sekali pun. bukan malaikat. bukan nabi yang cukup terpelihara dari dosa. jangan kacau hal aku bila hal kau sikit pun aku tidak cuit.
baru tau satu cerita. guru yang lain sesi lebih banyak becakap pasal aku. lebih tau pasal aku. hebat!!! tau aku pakai bra size berapa? panty size apa? seluar size apa? baju kasut segala apa? aku pakai bra 34 cup C. ya. cukup besar kan. mesti itu salah satu benda yang kau jeles kan. takut laki lari. takut hilang bf. aku tidak pernah kacau barang orang. kau jangan risau. hati ku selalu untuk nya.
at least aku tidak pretend jadi baik depan orang. apa yang kau lihat di luar, itu la aku. aku tidak pura-pura alim. aku tidak pura-pura lemah lembut sedang di belakang macam setan. aku akui aku gedik. cukup gedik. di rumah aku juga gedik. semua orang tau aku suka minta puji. betebiat. kadang-kadang mama pesan via phone call supaya kurang kan minta puji supaya tidak di benci. ini aku. gedik. lanjik. cukup jelas luaran ku. tapi mana kau tau hati ku? satu sekolah boleh dengar suara aku, ada yang cuba dengar isi hati ku?
school lingo? aku kena ikut ka benda tu? come on la. aku penat untuk takut dengan superior. dulu zaman sekolah takut dengan guru. zaman campus, takut CGPA jatuh dari 3.00. terpaksa kerja keras sikit bila markah di potong sebab kehadiran. tidak kan la zaman bekerja pun kena takut sesama guru? aku cukup dewasa. biar pun agak tidak matang.
mungkin ada pelajar yang terganggu dengan aku. sexually perhaps. aku pakai macam mana pun rasa nya pasti ada yang terganggu. itu biasa berlaku. dulu masa jadi guru ganti pun aku pernah di panggil pihak pentadbir sebab ada laporan pelajar tidak dapat tumpu study bila aku mengajar sebab boleh naik syahwat. aku minta maaf. tiada niat untuk itu. aku tidak minta kurniaan itu. kira nya itu gift. tidak semua orang ada. macam aku cakap dulu, pakai baju kurung longgar pun boleh buat lecturer usia 48 tahun panggil aku 'sexy pink'. mungkin aku patut mula pakai abayya dan purdah semasa mengajar.
kau boleh cakap aku tulis benda ni dalam ketidakwarasan. persetan kalau sir baca sekali pun tentang ini. aku penat. aku tidak kuat. aku benci keadaan ini. kenapa la bodoh sangat tidak urus pindah dari awal dulu masa semua orang mau tolong? suka sangat cuba tempat baru. terlalu dengar cakap bapa. patut nya dengar cakap mama. kalau tidak, tidak la ending nya begini.
tidak kan ada yang mampu bertahan dengan aku melain kan kau bapa. dan aku sangat membutuh kan kau. semalam tawa mu buat aku sakit hati. sakit jiwa sebab tidak boleh berada dalam rangkulan kau dan menangis sepuas nya. seperti biasa aku cukup rindu kan kata-kata mu dan janji manis untuk beli kan aku itu ini demi memujuk ku yang sedang bersedih.
jiwa ku tidak cukup kuat. lembut. rapuh. dan sekarang mulai jiwang dengan hadir nya dia. selain budak kecik dan sahabat karib, dia banyak jadi penguat semangat walaupun kadang-kadang cukup menyakit kan hati. rasa nya ingin saja lari ke rumah nya semalam dan mengetuk pintu nya agar dapat baring di lengan nya. menangis dan menggigit nya sampai hilang semua rasa beban dalam jiwa.
terlalu banyak terbuku. aku tidak cukup terbuka bila bicara soal hati dan perasaan. aku selalu ikut rentak orang. ikut apa mau nya orang agar rebel ku tidak kelihatan. walaupun aku tau ada sesetengah yang cukup tau keinginan ku untuk memberontak. aku reserved.
aku pigi kK minta duit kau ka? aku beli itu ini guna duit kau ka? tidak kan? jadi apa yang di kecoh kan sampai di jadi kan isu? heran. kau pigi satu dunia sekali pun aku tidak heran. lain la kalau kau minta duit aku tadi untuk itu.
aku tidak minta banyak. jangan kacau aku. jangan ambil tau hal aku. jangan cakap belakang tentang aku. kau buat kerja kau. aku buat kerja aku. jangan pandai-pandai mau label orang sekitar ku. mereka cukup baik.
p/s: sekejam mana lagi yang kau mampu buat? sila kan...aku tidak gentar. kau kuat kan aku. terima kasih.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
amusement
namaste...
i love saree...
kareena zila kapoor...;)
i love saree...
kareena zila kapoor...;)gedik. jelas lagi terbukti.
saya akui.
tapi losyen pati halia itu memang mustajab.
terbukti berhasil.
saya gembira.
lupa seketika semua benda yang jadi di sekolah.
saya akui.
tapi losyen pati halia itu memang mustajab.
terbukti berhasil.
saya gembira.
lupa seketika semua benda yang jadi di sekolah.
chasing pirate
i just need a place to hide away. to get rid of everything here. it's not like i hate here. but it seems like here can't accept who i am outside. here don't even give a damn about inside me. here don't give me a chance to grow up like i supposed to.
everything is getting worse. my life. my work. my social circle. yeah...i hate my work. not because i hate teaching. but i hate everything about it. this is going to happen when you've been forced to do something your heart resist. i should do Literature instead of TESL. i love the language but not the science of teaching it. i should do ELS where i can study the language. where i can do the syntax which i love mostly. where i can draw the sentence tree like i used to do in William Taylor class. where i can study the semantic, the discourse of that language. oh...i hate teaching. and i admit that i'm such a lousy teacher. i didn't enter the class like i'm supposed to. i came to the class 10 minutes late. i'm teaching skill-oriented. i don't care whether they can answer that well in the examination. as long as they can speak a chunk of english words, they can write, they understand my direction, it's okey to me. i hate exam-oriented class. language is supposed to be a skill. it is something you use everyday. what is the point if you can answer in the exam but you can't apply it in daily life? see...that's the different. how do i know? i'm having the best skill-oriented english teacher for the whole life of mine.
now my social life consist of four people i used to hang around. budak kecik, sahabat karib, partner in-crime and my angel, him. i'm back to my old self. something i don't want to. i hate my life. it's not like i'm not happy with it. but i'm just too happy and satisfied with what the Big Guy up there giving me. the rest is not that important. this place is full with the superficial, gossip girl, and the P clan. i'd rather be the wall flower than be one of them. i'd rather do my own things with my friends. weird when they still care what i've been up to lately. even weirder when they know things i don't know about me. ces't la vie, zila.
i'm such ill-discipline person. i have a problem in following rules. i don't like when people demanding me to do something. to be someone i'm not. i'm the most rebellious person. i admit it. but one thing for sure, i never influenced people close to me to be like me. i know people start accusing me of making a few nice people turn to be me. all i can say is 'sorry'. i never meant that way. i'm just a girl who try to live my life in this 'used to be cool' place. i'm tired of people having bad perspective about me when they don't even know me. like i said to Dani last time, you have to go on a trip, at least one trip with me to get to know me better. i guess Dani can judge me right now. he had one ride with me and i think we're doing better. i know i'm such a bad person. it took me so long to be nicer. you can't change me in the blink of eyes. in a push of a button. give me some time. give me some space. i can do better. i promise. cause right now i am in this phase of becoming greater person. i am. i ask one thing, please stop labeling my friend. they not as bad as me. they're way nicer. way nicer than those superficial. they my savior. at least they know who is the real me inside.
to my friends: i'm sorry all of you have to go through this just because of me. i'm sorry if people start saying you such a bad teacher, bad person. i'm sorry for every thing happen lately. i'm sorry. i never thought things will become ugly like this. i never thought high school life won't leave me after all this time. i never thought grown up is cruel sometimes. i never thought cause you know that i hate thinking.
you: thanks for always be there when life here turning so ugly and so cruel to me. don't know how to show my gratitude towards you.
ini kali barang yang semua orang cakap aku cari jauh-jauh...it's cheaper there
mau habis sudah yang lama...it tighten my skin and firming my body
i hate when there is some part of me yang selalu goyang-goyang bila bejalan...
welcoming my new muses...;)
too bad can't get Girl of Riyadh and Nadia's Song..;(
p/s: budak-budak tu semua terpengaruh dengan zila la ni...(ayat biasa dengar dari zaman belasan tahun)
everything is getting worse. my life. my work. my social circle. yeah...i hate my work. not because i hate teaching. but i hate everything about it. this is going to happen when you've been forced to do something your heart resist. i should do Literature instead of TESL. i love the language but not the science of teaching it. i should do ELS where i can study the language. where i can do the syntax which i love mostly. where i can draw the sentence tree like i used to do in William Taylor class. where i can study the semantic, the discourse of that language. oh...i hate teaching. and i admit that i'm such a lousy teacher. i didn't enter the class like i'm supposed to. i came to the class 10 minutes late. i'm teaching skill-oriented. i don't care whether they can answer that well in the examination. as long as they can speak a chunk of english words, they can write, they understand my direction, it's okey to me. i hate exam-oriented class. language is supposed to be a skill. it is something you use everyday. what is the point if you can answer in the exam but you can't apply it in daily life? see...that's the different. how do i know? i'm having the best skill-oriented english teacher for the whole life of mine.
now my social life consist of four people i used to hang around. budak kecik, sahabat karib, partner in-crime and my angel, him. i'm back to my old self. something i don't want to. i hate my life. it's not like i'm not happy with it. but i'm just too happy and satisfied with what the Big Guy up there giving me. the rest is not that important. this place is full with the superficial, gossip girl, and the P clan. i'd rather be the wall flower than be one of them. i'd rather do my own things with my friends. weird when they still care what i've been up to lately. even weirder when they know things i don't know about me. ces't la vie, zila.
i'm such ill-discipline person. i have a problem in following rules. i don't like when people demanding me to do something. to be someone i'm not. i'm the most rebellious person. i admit it. but one thing for sure, i never influenced people close to me to be like me. i know people start accusing me of making a few nice people turn to be me. all i can say is 'sorry'. i never meant that way. i'm just a girl who try to live my life in this 'used to be cool' place. i'm tired of people having bad perspective about me when they don't even know me. like i said to Dani last time, you have to go on a trip, at least one trip with me to get to know me better. i guess Dani can judge me right now. he had one ride with me and i think we're doing better. i know i'm such a bad person. it took me so long to be nicer. you can't change me in the blink of eyes. in a push of a button. give me some time. give me some space. i can do better. i promise. cause right now i am in this phase of becoming greater person. i am. i ask one thing, please stop labeling my friend. they not as bad as me. they're way nicer. way nicer than those superficial. they my savior. at least they know who is the real me inside.
to my friends: i'm sorry all of you have to go through this just because of me. i'm sorry if people start saying you such a bad teacher, bad person. i'm sorry for every thing happen lately. i'm sorry. i never thought things will become ugly like this. i never thought high school life won't leave me after all this time. i never thought grown up is cruel sometimes. i never thought cause you know that i hate thinking.
you: thanks for always be there when life here turning so ugly and so cruel to me. don't know how to show my gratitude towards you.
ini kali barang yang semua orang cakap aku cari jauh-jauh...it's cheaper theremau habis sudah yang lama...it tighten my skin and firming my body
i hate when there is some part of me yang selalu goyang-goyang bila bejalan...
welcoming my new muses...;)too bad can't get Girl of Riyadh and Nadia's Song..;(
p/s: budak-budak tu semua terpengaruh dengan zila la ni...(ayat biasa dengar dari zaman belasan tahun)
Friday, October 29, 2010
Orca si puji minta
i guess he's right about something. he once said 'i bet just like the owner, Orca loves to sulk too'. but i try to deny it.
dari kemarin lagi Orca betebiat terus. first, time aku mau keluar pigi breakfast. tayar depan dia pancit. pada hal tiada juga kena apa-apa. dari malam nya lagi parking bagus-bagus ja dia sana garage. nasib ada nizuan tolong tukar. kalau tidak, habis la. aku bukan nya kuat mau buka tu tayar. kemarin tu pun aku try, mau mati ja rasa nya nda juga pandai tepusing tu bolt nut.
rasa nya aku tau kali napa dia beminta puji gitu tu. time di LD aku test drive Vios depan dia. orang test drive ja pun. bukan mau beli. bukan mau tukar dia. Orca macam nda pandai faham orang sayang betul sama dia. hari-hari aku belai dia pun macam sia-sia ja. hari-hari juga dia mau buat taik.
then this morning, masih lagi aku tidur ada lagi guard panggil bagi tau itu tayar pancit. kali ni tayar belakang lagi. punya sandi. tidak tau mau buat apa, aku call bapa. sempat lagi aku menangis suruh bapa datang pigi sini. then bapa cakap tukar la tu kereta kalau balik-balik ada ja dia buat hal. bah...tambah la aku menangis. orang sayang jatuh cinta setengah mati sudah sama orca. terus aku tengok ngam-ngam dia turun tangga mau pigi garage, aku cakap dengan bapa mau lap air mata dulu sebelum dia tengok aku menangis. dia suruh bawa tu che Maznah hantar tu tayar pigi workshop sana batu 5. dia tidak dapat ikut sebab ada program sana dewan. tapi dia suruh guard ikut sekali. baik kan che Maznah sama dia. you both, you're the best sayang. thank you so much...;)
me and Orca owe you big time.
p/s: you, thanks for always be there for me. biar pun kadang-kadang gaya ku macam taik. love you to bits.
dari kemarin lagi Orca betebiat terus. first, time aku mau keluar pigi breakfast. tayar depan dia pancit. pada hal tiada juga kena apa-apa. dari malam nya lagi parking bagus-bagus ja dia sana garage. nasib ada nizuan tolong tukar. kalau tidak, habis la. aku bukan nya kuat mau buka tu tayar. kemarin tu pun aku try, mau mati ja rasa nya nda juga pandai tepusing tu bolt nut.
rasa nya aku tau kali napa dia beminta puji gitu tu. time di LD aku test drive Vios depan dia. orang test drive ja pun. bukan mau beli. bukan mau tukar dia. Orca macam nda pandai faham orang sayang betul sama dia. hari-hari aku belai dia pun macam sia-sia ja. hari-hari juga dia mau buat taik.
then this morning, masih lagi aku tidur ada lagi guard panggil bagi tau itu tayar pancit. kali ni tayar belakang lagi. punya sandi. tidak tau mau buat apa, aku call bapa. sempat lagi aku menangis suruh bapa datang pigi sini. then bapa cakap tukar la tu kereta kalau balik-balik ada ja dia buat hal. bah...tambah la aku menangis. orang sayang jatuh cinta setengah mati sudah sama orca. terus aku tengok ngam-ngam dia turun tangga mau pigi garage, aku cakap dengan bapa mau lap air mata dulu sebelum dia tengok aku menangis. dia suruh bawa tu che Maznah hantar tu tayar pigi workshop sana batu 5. dia tidak dapat ikut sebab ada program sana dewan. tapi dia suruh guard ikut sekali. baik kan che Maznah sama dia. you both, you're the best sayang. thank you so much...;)
me and Orca owe you big time.
p/s: you, thanks for always be there for me. biar pun kadang-kadang gaya ku macam taik. love you to bits.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
demi...
saya tidak pandai berjuang.
demi cinta.
saya tidak suka bersaing.
demi cinta.
saya selalu nya akan menyerah kalah kepada siapa pun.
demi cinta.
andai ada orang yang mengingin kan dia, saya mungkin jatuh.
saya mungkin bleed.
battered.
seperti dulu.
seperti yang pernah terjadi.
dan saat itu, semua menyaksi kan perjuangan seorang bapa.
demi anak perempuan nya.
ya, seperti waktu itu juga.
akan di penuhi malam-malam seorang bapa dengan menghabis kan malam nya memeluk dan cuba menenang kan.
akan di habis kan hari-hari nya dengan meminta kepada-Nya kekuatan.
semua nya demi anak perempuan nya.
demi saya.
akan ka?
sebab saya mulai rasa ada yang berkongsi rasa yang sama dengan saya terhadap nya.
tolong jangan di ambil walau pun bukan milik saya.
ya, saya memang begini.
sebab saya penat merengek.
saya kesian kan kawan baik.
lately tidur malam nya terganggu.
kerana menurut nya tanpa saya sedari saya mulai merengek dalam tidur.
semalaman bermula tutup mata sampai ke subuh.
biasa nya rengekan menanda kan saya sakit.
mungkin ada bahagian yang sakit dalam diri.
kata kawan baik lagi, perasaan saya tidak boleh di sakiti kerana itu boleh lead kepada sakit fizikal.
pernah berlaku.
sakit inside out.
tolong jangan di hadir kan rasa itu.
saya tidak kuat.
demi Tuhan.
demi cinta.
saya tidak suka bersaing.
demi cinta.
saya selalu nya akan menyerah kalah kepada siapa pun.
demi cinta.
andai ada orang yang mengingin kan dia, saya mungkin jatuh.
saya mungkin bleed.
battered.
seperti dulu.
seperti yang pernah terjadi.
dan saat itu, semua menyaksi kan perjuangan seorang bapa.
demi anak perempuan nya.
ya, seperti waktu itu juga.
akan di penuhi malam-malam seorang bapa dengan menghabis kan malam nya memeluk dan cuba menenang kan.
akan di habis kan hari-hari nya dengan meminta kepada-Nya kekuatan.
semua nya demi anak perempuan nya.
demi saya.
akan ka?
sebab saya mulai rasa ada yang berkongsi rasa yang sama dengan saya terhadap nya.
tolong jangan di ambil walau pun bukan milik saya.
ya, saya memang begini.
sebab saya penat merengek.
saya kesian kan kawan baik.
lately tidur malam nya terganggu.
kerana menurut nya tanpa saya sedari saya mulai merengek dalam tidur.
semalaman bermula tutup mata sampai ke subuh.
biasa nya rengekan menanda kan saya sakit.
mungkin ada bahagian yang sakit dalam diri.
kata kawan baik lagi, perasaan saya tidak boleh di sakiti kerana itu boleh lead kepada sakit fizikal.
pernah berlaku.
sakit inside out.
tolong jangan di hadir kan rasa itu.
saya tidak kuat.
demi Tuhan.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
mabul trip
i so damn wanted to go to this place again.
a temptation a swimmer couldn't resist
a temptation a swimmer couldn't resistthey plan a trip to go to this island this coming weekend. and only God knows how much i want to go too. but somehow island give me a creep. it gives me butterfly. no. it's not because the jelly fish incident last kaamatan. it's because every time i think about island, only one thing come in my mind. his happy face and her riding on the banana boat. i saw it with my bare eyes. i thought i'm move on. strong enough to resist every thing about him. but still there's some split of him haunted me whenever i'm ecstatic with my current life. i just couldn't get it off my mind.
a talk with Bryan the other night let my mind occupied with the vision of him. it's not because of love for sure. because i'm so damn certain that i no longer in love with him. it's just it is something i couldn't, i won't get for the rest of my life. even it is used to be mine. i hate myself and the thoughts of him makes me numb. like Bryan said 'be strong for yourself'. how i wish i could. i know i'm strong enough to handle the temptation of thinking about him. it's just my mind couldn't help herself to it. i'm not that strong to let my foot on that white sandy beach. i just can't let myself touch the water. i'm scared.
p/s: kadang-kadang telampau penat berlari dari masa lalu bila ending nya still menghantui. lagi sakit bila rasa itu telah tiada tapi ada cebisan nya yang tinggal as a poison.
the sound of the piano helps me suck up the poison...;)
Sunday, October 24, 2010
let see how we go...
i love this song so much and i just couldn't get enough of it. i listen to it since last year but until today, i still can repeat it in my playlist all day long. i guess that's why my iPod hang last time.
i love the clip. i love the idea of kidnapping someone you have your eyes own. i mean it stupid yet so damn cool. i used to think of doing this to him. keep him in my house for a day. do nothing but loiter around. feed him. singing for him. talking random stuff like we used to do. i think i could do some slightly different version. instead of sleeping alone, i let him lie down next to me and i snuggle near him so i could share the sniff of his delicate smell. so cute. i know, right. yeah...silly me.
who'd have known
who'd have known
when you flash up on my phone
i no longer feel alone
p/s: people used to ask me why i chose you among them all. but i don't have any answer to that question.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
pleasure
i love home and i love my weekend.
why?
the food is heaven.
i can spend my evening play hide and seek with my nephew, haziq.
i can spend my time listening to my niece, Ameng about her school.
i can hear mum and my sister-in-law gossiping.
i get to watch Ugly Betty.
i can write this entry at my favorite spot (mum's room).
while i lie down on the bed writing this, dad and abang man sitting watching Animal Planet right now. something they have in common.
i love when i can spend my time talk randomly about things happen in my life lately with these two hero of mine- dady and abang man. then i can hear their laugh making fun of me.
oh...oh...i just love home.
why?
the food is heaven.
i can spend my evening play hide and seek with my nephew, haziq.
i can spend my time listening to my niece, Ameng about her school.
i can hear mum and my sister-in-law gossiping.
i get to watch Ugly Betty.
i can write this entry at my favorite spot (mum's room).
while i lie down on the bed writing this, dad and abang man sitting watching Animal Planet right now. something they have in common.
i love when i can spend my time talk randomly about things happen in my life lately with these two hero of mine- dady and abang man. then i can hear their laugh making fun of me.
oh...oh...i just love home.
Friday, October 22, 2010
a gift
from Bali by partner-in-crime...iwan, you know what crime we just commit lately...;p
big thing come in a small package
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tada...
my new toy
;p
isn't it adorable?
God bless my ride
hahahaha...
p/s: NO. i'm not that horny. a little bit perhaps...;p
big thing come in a small package**
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tada...
my new toy;p
isn't it adorable?
God bless my ridehahahaha...
p/s: NO. i'm not that horny. a little bit perhaps...;p
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
eggy
bila ada telur yang tidak di senyawa kan, mungkin akan lead to PMS. hasil nya bakal menjadi gorila untuk beberapa hari. atau juga minggu. pipi akan berasa sakit sebab terlalu banyak bermasam muka. how i wish i have someone to cheer me up. mungkin juga akan penat makan hati sendiri terhadap benda sekeliling. sakit jiwa sendiri. hasil nya akan menjejas kan P&P sebab budak yang akan menjadi mangsa. rasa nya pihak pentadbir sudah cukup kenal bila dengar jeritan suruh budak keluar bediri di luar. kesian budak. kesian lagi saya. tidak pernah minta pun benda jadi begini. mood swing yang teruk itu ada la salah satu anugerah saya yang terindah selain merajuk.
hormonal, i'm in love with you. yeah babeh...;)
waiting and counting...
hormonal, i'm in love with you. yeah babeh...;)
waiting and counting...
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
yeah, this is life babe...
Here's the day you hoped would never come
Don't feed me violins
just run with me through rows of speeding cars.
The papercuts the cheating lovers
The coffee's never strong enough
i know you think it's more than just bad luck
There there baby
it's just text book stuff
it's in the ABC of growing up
Now, now darling
oh don't lose your head
cause none of us were angels
and you know I love you yeah
Sleeping pills know sleeping dogs lie
never far enough away
Glistening in the cold sweat of guilt
I've watched you slowly winding down for years
You can't keep on like this...
now's a bad a time as any
time will heals every thing...i promise you that.
Monday, October 18, 2010
let her ramble
it's october and it means school almost end. this is my first year of teaching, so i decided to buy me an autograph book which i'm going to ask all my colleagues to sign it just like we used to do back when we're in secondary school. i just want to know what would grown-up write when they've been asked to do such silly things. i'm seriously going to buy me one no matter if i end up feel so lame and uncool. i should start with our own Mr.Principal...;)
where can i find something cheesy like this?
where can i find something cheesy like this?i know i should read more. i used to love literature so much. i used to read printed things. but now to make me finish 250 pages of novel take me ages. i don't know what's wrong with me. i'm not that busy. not at home. not even at school. i just loiter around with my friends without doing nothing but laugh over a stupid jokes that we used to make to fill our time when we don't really have class to enter. and when i'm home, all i do is online without knowing where should i head to. as if i'm scared i'm paying that bill for what if i'm not using it. the bad things is, i stay online but all i do actually is listening to my playlist. currently keep listening to Random Awesome. keep playing it until i'm getting sick and tired. or maybe until i find another song to be my muse. i just don't get it.
i don't know what happen to myself but it seems i'm becoming more reserved day by day. i start to choose my friend. i choose who to talk to. i choose to who should i smile and to whom i shouldn't. i don't mingle to someone out of my circle. i feel like i'm back to my old self. i hate that. i'm trying so hard not to be that person anymore. i guess it's just my nature. little by little, it start to show up. i'm just keep praying that nobody going to start to hate me. i'm tired of drama.
and tonight before dinner, i saw ana cutting a honey dew. suddenly it reminds me of dady and home. when i'm at home i never do such thing. dady will do it for mummy and me. all we know is there are melon and honey dew or papaya in the fridge ready to be eat. oh..i just love home. my palm getting rough. i don't know why but i kinda hate it. i like when my hand feel so supple and silky soft. i don't know what's wrong with it. i used to do laundry at home. i used to do the house chores when i'm at home. and this things never happen before. in fact, my hands is one of the supplest hand among us. but now every thing change. now i start to feel shy to shake hand with people. i'm scared they might knew that i have such rough hands as if i'm doing hard work for the rest of my life. oh...totally turn off. how can i shake hand with my future in-law.
sorry i ramble a lot tonight. i'm not in a very good mood. suddenly feeling so hormonal.
something to cheer me up, we get to see our picture for the school magazine today. i have to admit that i look stunningly beautiful in the computer club picture. then i keep show it to every one in staff room how pretty i am in that picture. every one seems agree with a little force to admit it. but then our PK Kokum come on the evening before the assembly. i showed it to him and ask whether i look good on it or not. he said 'gambar kelab apa ni? cantik ja. duduk sama rendah. gaya senyum pun sama. tapi mata Arab tu biar hamdani yang cakap la'. hahaha...
actually it is a picture of me and him. we do look good together. i love how the picture speak thousand words. you should see my smile. yeah..i try to smile sweetly whenever we take a picture together. remind me of his text this morning. "ya sangat cantik+manis senyuman mu di sini...cantik sangat la gambar ni"...;))))
i don't know what happen to myself but it seems i'm becoming more reserved day by day. i start to choose my friend. i choose who to talk to. i choose to who should i smile and to whom i shouldn't. i don't mingle to someone out of my circle. i feel like i'm back to my old self. i hate that. i'm trying so hard not to be that person anymore. i guess it's just my nature. little by little, it start to show up. i'm just keep praying that nobody going to start to hate me. i'm tired of drama.
and tonight before dinner, i saw ana cutting a honey dew. suddenly it reminds me of dady and home. when i'm at home i never do such thing. dady will do it for mummy and me. all we know is there are melon and honey dew or papaya in the fridge ready to be eat. oh..i just love home. my palm getting rough. i don't know why but i kinda hate it. i like when my hand feel so supple and silky soft. i don't know what's wrong with it. i used to do laundry at home. i used to do the house chores when i'm at home. and this things never happen before. in fact, my hands is one of the supplest hand among us. but now every thing change. now i start to feel shy to shake hand with people. i'm scared they might knew that i have such rough hands as if i'm doing hard work for the rest of my life. oh...totally turn off. how can i shake hand with my future in-law.
sorry i ramble a lot tonight. i'm not in a very good mood. suddenly feeling so hormonal.
something to cheer me up, we get to see our picture for the school magazine today. i have to admit that i look stunningly beautiful in the computer club picture. then i keep show it to every one in staff room how pretty i am in that picture. every one seems agree with a little force to admit it. but then our PK Kokum come on the evening before the assembly. i showed it to him and ask whether i look good on it or not. he said 'gambar kelab apa ni? cantik ja. duduk sama rendah. gaya senyum pun sama. tapi mata Arab tu biar hamdani yang cakap la'. hahaha...
actually it is a picture of me and him. we do look good together. i love how the picture speak thousand words. you should see my smile. yeah..i try to smile sweetly whenever we take a picture together. remind me of his text this morning. "ya sangat cantik+manis senyuman mu di sini...cantik sangat la gambar ni"...;))))
him
napa kau pilih dia?
napa mesti dia yang kau suka?
napa mesti dia yang kau ingin kan?
aku suka sifat nya.
aku suka sikap nya.
aku suka jual mahal nya.
aku suka dia menghilang dan tiba-tiba hadir semula.
aku suka keangkuhan nya.
aku suka kata-kata nya.
aku suka bila dia pakai kemeja checkered.
aku suka school attire nya.
aku paling suka bau nya.
aku penat memanjat. tidak salah sekira nya bertukar angin untuk di panjat, bukan?
napa mesti dia yang kau suka?
napa mesti dia yang kau ingin kan?
aku suka sifat nya.
aku suka sikap nya.
aku suka jual mahal nya.
aku suka dia menghilang dan tiba-tiba hadir semula.
aku suka keangkuhan nya.
aku suka kata-kata nya.
aku suka bila dia pakai kemeja checkered.
aku suka school attire nya.
aku paling suka bau nya.
aku penat memanjat. tidak salah sekira nya bertukar angin untuk di panjat, bukan?
Sunday, October 17, 2010
pampered
it's been a long time since the last time he pamper me with food. i was sick for this past few days and feel so very weak. you know me when i'm sick right. as if i'm in my last breath. even fizzy can't stand the-suddenly-extra-fussy-me. merengek nda pandai diam. i'm sorry...;(
when i saw a girl bring a food case to the canteen last friday, i ask her what's inside it. she said it is chicken porridge cooked by her mum at home. and just like that i dialed his number.
me: where are you?
he: hostel.
me: i saw a girl eating chicken porridge at the school canteen.
he: the canteen now serve porridge?
me: no. her mum cook for her at home.
he: oohh...
me: i want it. kinda craving. can you cook it for me?
he: see first if i go to the market later.
me: then go. i want to eat it.
sedap
fizzy is out dating and here i am rambling about him with a glass of vanilla tea...;)
and i smile i love no
i laugh happier somehow
no i don't know what is up with me
i laugh too much recently
no, they don't know much about us
when we're exchanging glances
let's watch something random
turned to something awesome
p/s: apa yang menahan hati kau dari benda bahagia? your past or the present?
when i saw a girl bring a food case to the canteen last friday, i ask her what's inside it. she said it is chicken porridge cooked by her mum at home. and just like that i dialed his number.
me: where are you?
he: hostel.
me: i saw a girl eating chicken porridge at the school canteen.
he: the canteen now serve porridge?
me: no. her mum cook for her at home.
he: oohh...
me: i want it. kinda craving. can you cook it for me?
he: see first if i go to the market later.
me: then go. i want to eat it.
and yeah, that night i'm having chicken porridge for dinner with a message 'jangan suruh tecer zila makan banyak. pantat dia tu besar sudah'. i do listen to you. i no longer eat a lot. like real lot.
sedapfizzy is out dating and here i am rambling about him with a glass of vanilla tea...;)
and i smile i love no
i laugh happier somehow
no i don't know what is up with me
i laugh too much recently
no, they don't know much about us
when we're exchanging glances
let's watch something random
turned to something awesome
p/s: apa yang menahan hati kau dari benda bahagia? your past or the present?
Saturday, October 16, 2010
smells like teen spirit
nirmala said i look exactly like my dad. haha...i like. i always admire all my male cousins from dad side. they look so handsome. like damn handsome. even my brothers look handsome too. they've been blessed with the most beautiful nose and chin. only abang Joel doesn't have dad's look because he is more to mum side. kurang handsome. paling handsome abang man. yes. definitely. but nothing beat dady except my cousin, abang Kelana.
talking about something else, i used to shower for over 30 minutes. my friends wonder what took me so long. look, i'm tall and kind of broad. i have to do more cleaning la. haha...i love scrubbing my body. foaming is not enough. it can be longer when i'm shampooing my hair. this is because i have to do the bathing twice. the first round is for shampoo and scrubbing. then conditioning my hair and foaming my body. only after that i feel like heaven. i'm not that hygienic freak. but i do take a good care of myself. i love to keep myself clean and smells like roses. that's why i use Body Shop Moroccan Rose shower gel so i end up smell like a princess..;) at night, i love to use Body Shop Olive shower gel for i love the fresh smell before bed. it helps me calm and sooth so i can have better sleep. then when i snuggle into my bed, just like that, my eyes close and i no longer on earth. welcome dreamland. hehe... the main point is, i love feeling clean and smell so nicey.
smell play important role in my life. i notice every single things i smell and i keep it in my memory. it helps me feel the deja vu. i love remembering people's smell. i notice every single smell of him. i know which one sedap and which one is not. i know which smell can ignite my senses. and i wish he used that bau yang sedap everyday so i can be teruja every time he's near. but sometimes he's bau smells more girly. i know fizzy, nizuan, pyan or whoever coming just by their smell. i'm kind of sensitive towards smell. yes, i love fragrance so much. but i'm not the kind of girl who's having like ten bottles of perfume at one time. to me perfume is iconography. it represent who you are. for example, i want whenever you smell ckIN2u, you know it's me coming. you know someone just by the smell of him/her. awesomeness, right? i know.
i'm not asking much to myself. i only wish that i have bigger boobs and ass. cause currently it's becoming my mantra every time i'm facing the mirror. it's totally heaven to be like kim kardashian. she's having the best curvy body a girl ever wish. i don't care if paris hilton and her clan trying so hard to be skinny. that never attract me since forever. but i know i should love myself for what the mother nature gave me. yes, i'm happy. damn happy with my so-called great life. thank you, Lord.
the sweet humble face with that angelic body
one word: H.O.T
talking about something else, i used to shower for over 30 minutes. my friends wonder what took me so long. look, i'm tall and kind of broad. i have to do more cleaning la. haha...i love scrubbing my body. foaming is not enough. it can be longer when i'm shampooing my hair. this is because i have to do the bathing twice. the first round is for shampoo and scrubbing. then conditioning my hair and foaming my body. only after that i feel like heaven. i'm not that hygienic freak. but i do take a good care of myself. i love to keep myself clean and smells like roses. that's why i use Body Shop Moroccan Rose shower gel so i end up smell like a princess..;) at night, i love to use Body Shop Olive shower gel for i love the fresh smell before bed. it helps me calm and sooth so i can have better sleep. then when i snuggle into my bed, just like that, my eyes close and i no longer on earth. welcome dreamland. hehe... the main point is, i love feeling clean and smell so nicey.
smell play important role in my life. i notice every single things i smell and i keep it in my memory. it helps me feel the deja vu. i love remembering people's smell. i notice every single smell of him. i know which one sedap and which one is not. i know which smell can ignite my senses. and i wish he used that bau yang sedap everyday so i can be teruja every time he's near. but sometimes he's bau smells more girly. i know fizzy, nizuan, pyan or whoever coming just by their smell. i'm kind of sensitive towards smell. yes, i love fragrance so much. but i'm not the kind of girl who's having like ten bottles of perfume at one time. to me perfume is iconography. it represent who you are. for example, i want whenever you smell ckIN2u, you know it's me coming. you know someone just by the smell of him/her. awesomeness, right? i know.
i'm not asking much to myself. i only wish that i have bigger boobs and ass. cause currently it's becoming my mantra every time i'm facing the mirror. it's totally heaven to be like kim kardashian. she's having the best curvy body a girl ever wish. i don't care if paris hilton and her clan trying so hard to be skinny. that never attract me since forever. but i know i should love myself for what the mother nature gave me. yes, i'm happy. damn happy with my so-called great life. thank you, Lord.
the sweet humble face with that angelic bodyone word: H.O.T
Friday, October 15, 2010
Speeding will not bring you closer to heaven
-Anoneemus-
kak rosnah: kau ka balik sendiri ka kemarin dari tawau? laju nya. sampai laki ku tanya perempuan ka lelaki yang drive tu?
kamsah: laju nya kau semalam. belimpas kita di lot M.
fizzy: aku cakap terus terang. kau macam apa sekarang drive. makin teruk. bukan setakat laju. tapi bahaya.
pyan: laju nya kau drive.
dia: drive hati-hati.
kalau hujan jalan licin.
don't speeding.
me: entah. macam sial ja bila semua orang sudah start complain. i know i should love myself more. but this only happen whenever i drive alone. but when i'm with someone, i try so hard to make that person feel safe. i just don't know what's got into me lately. i seems can't differentiate between 80 and 120.
i used to drive around 100-120. as long as i still can count the tree nearby, that means i didn't reach my limit. only on occasion i go more than that. only when i'm not myself. when i feel like a shit. i can't promise anything right now. because this is me. i don't know how to control it.
but this morning fizzy suddenly said 'kau ni mau kena dulu, baru kau pandai jerak. mau ada yang mati dulu baru kau berenti'. gulp....sentap. i know. bye.
kak rosnah: kau ka balik sendiri ka kemarin dari tawau? laju nya. sampai laki ku tanya perempuan ka lelaki yang drive tu?
kamsah: laju nya kau semalam. belimpas kita di lot M.
fizzy: aku cakap terus terang. kau macam apa sekarang drive. makin teruk. bukan setakat laju. tapi bahaya.
pyan: laju nya kau drive.
dia: drive hati-hati.
kalau hujan jalan licin.
don't speeding.
me: entah. macam sial ja bila semua orang sudah start complain. i know i should love myself more. but this only happen whenever i drive alone. but when i'm with someone, i try so hard to make that person feel safe. i just don't know what's got into me lately. i seems can't differentiate between 80 and 120.
i used to drive around 100-120. as long as i still can count the tree nearby, that means i didn't reach my limit. only on occasion i go more than that. only when i'm not myself. when i feel like a shit. i can't promise anything right now. because this is me. i don't know how to control it.
but this morning fizzy suddenly said 'kau ni mau kena dulu, baru kau pandai jerak. mau ada yang mati dulu baru kau berenti'. gulp....sentap. i know. bye.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
go pinky!!!
it's pink month girls. the breast cancer campaign is start again. i remember if i were in kK, this is the best time ever where i and all my friends will start wearing the pink ribbon every where we go. we usually get our pink ribbon from clinique booth in parkson. but this year i guess i could do nothing much. to show my attribution to this campaign this year, i get myself levis breast cancer campaign tees. it so cute and i couldn't help myself to own it even i'm almost broke already...;)
let's go pink for the whole month
isn't she pretty?
let's go pink for the whole month
isn't she pretty?cleo 180th edition is all about breast cancer also. kim kardashian is the cover girl and she as usual look smokingly hot. i'm drooling seeing her curvy body. i think every one should be proud for what mother nature gives us. and i should embracing myself for what it is. doesn't matter if every one keep saying i'm getting fatter. like i said before gemuk is another IT thing. the next thing you know, every one will start wishing they have boobies like scarlet johanson, megan fox and kimmy. i wish for it too..;)
oh yeah, kimmy is now dating christiano ronaldo. cool, huh...
he: dah mula la tu...
me: you know me well enough not to let it started..;(
oh yeah, kimmy is now dating christiano ronaldo. cool, huh...
he: dah mula la tu...
me: you know me well enough not to let it started..;(
Sunday, October 10, 2010
sahabat karib
15 october makin hampir.
aku mungkin akan jadi perompak.
sebab aku ingin beri kan lelaki ini segala nya di hari jadi nya.
sebab dia buat aku bernafas dan lapang dada.
my so-in-crime partner
p/s: yan, kau bagi aku apa hari tu time birthday ku?
aku mungkin akan jadi perompak.
sebab aku ingin beri kan lelaki ini segala nya di hari jadi nya.
sebab dia buat aku bernafas dan lapang dada.
my so-in-crime partner
another lost
it's not a bad thing. i'm just losing another best friend to Arjuna. congratulation to k.b18, rny for her engagement. i'm happy for both of you and Jason. you are now no longer single like me..;)
you no longer can flirt as you wish just like we used to do. you're now belong to someone.
me and her this morning. ambil berkat.
wahai hati, sabar la kau. jangan juga telampau lanjik.
you no longer can flirt as you wish just like we used to do. you're now belong to someone.
me and her this morning. ambil berkat.wahai hati, sabar la kau. jangan juga telampau lanjik.
i don't want to go at first. so when i go out to breakfast with kikie this morning, i'm not prepared for events like this. as usual, i go out wearing only jeans and my favourite top without my hijab. but then i decided to come to her place. so i borrowed her hijab. something i'm not used to. never mind then. there always be the first time for every thing. seing her cry for happiness just now makes me feel so glad. one of my closest friend is having the time of her life. some thing that every girl wanted badly in life.
terlepas dari maut buat seketika membuat manusia berfikir.
a lot of things keep playing in my mind after that incident on friday. i know i should be more careful. i should listen to him when he said no speeding. i should listen to mum. i should listen to fizzy. i should listen to everyone. what if i never saw all the people in my life again? will they miss me? will i miss them? i'm not ready for that.
what do i get from it? a blast of nagging by mum and fizzy. i know i shouldn't tell them. that's why i hate driving without fizzy. she always knows how to calm me. she always knows how to make me stay focus. she always be the reminder when i reach 130km/h. the lesson: never go back alone again. ever.
terlepas dari maut buat seketika membuat manusia berfikir.
a lot of things keep playing in my mind after that incident on friday. i know i should be more careful. i should listen to him when he said no speeding. i should listen to mum. i should listen to fizzy. i should listen to everyone. what if i never saw all the people in my life again? will they miss me? will i miss them? i'm not ready for that.
what do i get from it? a blast of nagging by mum and fizzy. i know i shouldn't tell them. that's why i hate driving without fizzy. she always knows how to calm me. she always knows how to make me stay focus. she always be the reminder when i reach 130km/h. the lesson: never go back alone again. ever.
drive carefully. ensure safety. ingat la orang yang tersayang.
credit to kikie for this gorgeous picture..;)
credit to kikie for this gorgeous picture..;)
yesterday:
me: kau rindu aku ka?
he: tak pun sampai 24 jam kau tinggal aku.
me: kau sayang aku?
he: sayang.
me: hahahaha...first time kau jawab. kau sayang aku?
he: sayang la ba.
me: aku rindu kau sudah ni. kau rindu aku?
he: ya la ba. cepat la pulang sini.
me: kau rindu aku ka?
he: tak pun sampai 24 jam kau tinggal aku.
me: kau sayang aku?
he: sayang.
me: hahahaha...first time kau jawab. kau sayang aku?
he: sayang la ba.
me: aku rindu kau sudah ni. kau rindu aku?
he: ya la ba. cepat la pulang sini.
Friday, October 8, 2010
one day perhaps
when i first saw this movie, i never thought it as one of the cutest thing ever. but when they came out with this romantic video, it makes me wow...
i know it's just a story. someone create it. but when you look into the bright side, this thing do exist. how do i know. i saw one. my parent. especially the part where they grew older. my parent still in love with each other even after their 50 years of marriage. you can still see, still feel the love they show towards another. my mum still looking at my dad like the first time she lay her eyes and fall in love with him. dady on the other hand, still pampering and showering mum with loves and gifts. yeah, just like she's his first love. i'm so jealous. i'm so damn envy them. my own parent. the question is do man like dad still exist? i keep praying to Lord that one day He will send me someone like my dad. if He do reserved someone like him, i can do the wait. i'm willing to wait for another 5 years. cause just like what people used to say "the longer you wait, the better you get". i guess it's okey to wait longer when you're only 25. but it's totally uncool to still waiting when you reach 30. i keep my fingers cross to that thing wishing i'll end up tying the knot next year perhaps..;)
yes, keep dreaming zila.
talking about something else, i'm home. yes, home in tawau. i'm writing this entry in mum's room cause dady is not here. he's in kK. my cousin's solemnization is tomorrow. they keep pushing me to come to kK. i decided not to. it is one way of avoiding the golden question "when is my turn?". it is hard when you're the only one who is without someone by your side. among all of us, i'm the only one who is single. i mean single as don't have anyone called boyfriend, if i'm not mistaken. even my k.b18 is getting engage this sunday. rny, i'm happy for you darl. and now i start to sound like the last lonely girl. to tell you the truth, i am lonely. feeling alone as i can be. there were times when everything seems wrong. there were times when i feel like want to cry my heart out. want to turn me loose from this burden. from this sorrow. but i keep my chin up. be positive. i'm young. still young. there's a lot to be explore in this world.
suddenly remind me to someone who's marrying my relative. i accidentally checking on her fb profile then i saw their wedding picture. she's Australian and my relative is sabahan. but both of them are Cocosian. they've met during her last visit here end of last year. i think they fell in love just like that. and they tying their knot two months ago. i know both family playing their role so well. i mean my people as in 'my people' love to match making their children. they love marrying their children among them. as if 'other peopl'e is not good enough for them. yeah i know, typical Cocos. what caught my attention is what she said. she wrote there "go overseas. expect the unexpected. just like me". then i told dad about it. dady ask me one question. "do you really want that? cause if you really want, i can arrange something better than that for you". and i was like...."nope. i think i stick to him". i know dady was smiling listening to my answer. he knows me best. he knows that i'd rather wait for what my heart desire. no matter how long it takes me. once again, me being me.
so for now, put your trust on Lord love. keep praying that He will send you the best. put your heart on His gift. He knows you best to give you whatever obstacle in life. be positive. stop reading Eat, Pray Love just because he's the one who bought it for you. and pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee stop crying over stupid things, okey zila?
Thursday, October 7, 2010
miss
oh how i miss home. i miss mum so much. i should go home tomorrow. talking is not enough. seeing is much different. cuddling is totally heaven.
try
lonely is never a stranger to me. he never leave me since forever. always be with me through my ups and downs. i've been surrounded with every close friends here. still my heart longing for you.
you're so close yet feel so far. why? because you never open up your heart to me. you treat me like another stranger when you know very well we could be more than that. try to open up yourself towards me. at least give yourself a chance to see me from the other side. not from others point of view. learn to know me better and let me know you further. try to put a trust on me. it's not a wrong thing to try. once you know me, that's when you can decide who i am. what kind of girl i am.
i know i no a good girl. i laugh too loud. i speak as i wish. i do thing on my way. i'm so gedik. i love to tell the world how i feel about you. but this is just me. i'm nothing but ordinary. i don't give a damn on what other people think of me. cause what's important to me is what you do think of me.
p/s: you just don't know how much it hurts when you stop talking to me. i'm like the little girl who lost her dady's touch and blindfolding in this darkest strange place. take my hands and lead me to the colours of rainbow. take my blindfold off. that's all i ask for this time being. cause i'm too tired of crying. i know i should not to.
you're so close yet feel so far. why? because you never open up your heart to me. you treat me like another stranger when you know very well we could be more than that. try to open up yourself towards me. at least give yourself a chance to see me from the other side. not from others point of view. learn to know me better and let me know you further. try to put a trust on me. it's not a wrong thing to try. once you know me, that's when you can decide who i am. what kind of girl i am.
i know i no a good girl. i laugh too loud. i speak as i wish. i do thing on my way. i'm so gedik. i love to tell the world how i feel about you. but this is just me. i'm nothing but ordinary. i don't give a damn on what other people think of me. cause what's important to me is what you do think of me.
p/s: you just don't know how much it hurts when you stop talking to me. i'm like the little girl who lost her dady's touch and blindfolding in this darkest strange place. take my hands and lead me to the colours of rainbow. take my blindfold off. that's all i ask for this time being. cause i'm too tired of crying. i know i should not to.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
capek deh
i'm tired of trying
your teasing ain't enough
fed up of biding your time
when I don't get nothing back
and for what
when I don't get nothing back
man, I'm tired
your teasing ain't enough
fed up of biding your time
when I don't get nothing back
and for what
when I don't get nothing back
man, I'm tired
Monday, October 4, 2010
battered
macam taik betul. seriously.
ingat aku nda pandai penat ka layan kerenah kau.
makin hari makin menjadi pula betebiat kau.
malas mau buat dosa.
malas mau tambah dosa.
eat your own shit, biatch!!!
macam taik betul hidup sekarang ni.
selagi tidak menangis, kelegaan tu nda kan pernah datang.
tapi aku cuba untuk jadi grown up.
aku sudah makin pandai pujuk diri.
pandai pujuk hati.
pandai tipu perasaan.
bukan susah pun semua tu.
macam yang kau ajar dulu.
isi kekosongan tu dengan buat benda.
kau mau aku macam mana lagi?
i wish i could curse my heart out here.
biar seantero dunia tau apa yang ada di lubuk minda ku.
then, baru nama aku akan naik untuk jumpa pengetua.
Malaysia.
kebebasan berkarya terbatas.
karya agung makhluk Tuhan paling seksi.
kau mau aku macam mana?
kau mau aku buat apa lagi?
kau mau sampai bila begini?
kau mau sakit yang macam mana lagi?
wahai hati, fahami tuan mu.
jangan kau dera dia lagi.
p/s: ya. memang aku bukan perempuan baik. tapi itu tidak buat kau jauh lebih baik dari aku.
ingat aku nda pandai penat ka layan kerenah kau.
makin hari makin menjadi pula betebiat kau.
malas mau buat dosa.
malas mau tambah dosa.
eat your own shit, biatch!!!
macam taik betul hidup sekarang ni.
selagi tidak menangis, kelegaan tu nda kan pernah datang.
tapi aku cuba untuk jadi grown up.
aku sudah makin pandai pujuk diri.
pandai pujuk hati.
pandai tipu perasaan.
bukan susah pun semua tu.
macam yang kau ajar dulu.
isi kekosongan tu dengan buat benda.
kau mau aku macam mana lagi?
i wish i could curse my heart out here.
biar seantero dunia tau apa yang ada di lubuk minda ku.
then, baru nama aku akan naik untuk jumpa pengetua.
Malaysia.
kebebasan berkarya terbatas.
karya agung makhluk Tuhan paling seksi.
kau mau aku macam mana?
kau mau aku buat apa lagi?
kau mau sampai bila begini?
kau mau sakit yang macam mana lagi?
wahai hati, fahami tuan mu.
jangan kau dera dia lagi.
p/s: ya. memang aku bukan perempuan baik. tapi itu tidak buat kau jauh lebih baik dari aku.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
the violet hour
she is reading The Diary of a Wimpy Kid to kill her time from thinking about him. but then she end up thinking about him more than concentrate reading the book. why? because it is his.
she try to listen to some random song like The Violet Hour so she could stop thinking about him. and again she only think about him more because the more she listen to that song, the more sense coming to her how that song talking about a person like him.
she decided to cook a carbonara today so when she eat, she won't think about him that much. actually, that is the stupidest thing she ever do. why? because spaghetti really bond them in some way that nobody will understand.
she then facebooking to connect to the outside world so she can talk to her friends. hoping she won't think about him anymore. she was wrong when all she did is browsing his profile and keep starring at his picture.
p/s: in the dark you tell me of a flower
that only bloom in the violet hour...
she try to listen to some random song like The Violet Hour so she could stop thinking about him. and again she only think about him more because the more she listen to that song, the more sense coming to her how that song talking about a person like him.
she decided to cook a carbonara today so when she eat, she won't think about him that much. actually, that is the stupidest thing she ever do. why? because spaghetti really bond them in some way that nobody will understand.
she then facebooking to connect to the outside world so she can talk to her friends. hoping she won't think about him anymore. she was wrong when all she did is browsing his profile and keep starring at his picture.
finally she write a new entry in her blog to let her mind free from his vision. but again, she was wrong. why? because here she is writing about him over and over again...;)
poor her
poor herp/s: in the dark you tell me of a flower
that only bloom in the violet hour...
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