hope and faith

kak lin told babby and eyon in one of their late night conversation about lady-hood. "don't worry. my sister will get married next year."

she seems positive about it. why not me? she knows better. she always know.

i'm not going to put any hope on this. i just keep praying and waiting and hoping a little maybe. as long as i don't put higher expectation. i don't care about all that. i just wish a year from now, picturing myself, pregnant with happiness. only this time with a baby. for real.

Ya Allah, please grant my wish. bella pronto.

i wish i'm that thin little girl with a very lean arms, flat tummy and small bosom. with 32B and xs shirt, size 2 pants. life would be totally different. seriously, it will be different.

knows

maybe this isn't the right time for it.

maybe i'm not mature enough for it.

maybe i'm not ready for it.

maybe it isn't the best.

Allah knows best, Zila.

chasing happiness

yup, i am here. where i belong. bukit garam. it such a joy to finally in my house. to smell the smell of my room. to put my head on my pillow. to lay down on my mattress. the feeling is oh-so-heaven. like you finally found your long lost husband. people will never understand this craziness i have.

yes, i chase my happiness. on my own way. why torturing myself missing when i can touch the sky. catch the star and put it in my pocket? i should have learn to be more realistic. and i think i should start now.

beli

sunyi berabis ni...;(

boleh ka kasi burn rm678 ticket?

seriously, not really in the mood to go out of Borneo.

sudah masuk 3 tahun rasa begini.

bila mau berubah jadi saya yang dulu?

saya sendiri rindu itu.

when i laugh, i laugh my heart out.

when i smile, i smile sincerely.

sekarang itu dalam mimpi ja.

yang pasti, part nangis tu confirm selalu dari hati.

dan lately banyak pula tangis nya.

mana mau beli diri?

it is like this

"it's not with who you spend your friday night with but with who you want to spend the rest of your saturday"

that's why sometimes people tend to choose to be a homosexual. it is true indeed. who cares about who you spend your friday night with. it's just one night and a very short period. and maybe you're not sober that time. you wont remember anything. but the most important thing is with who you want to spend the next day. right when you wake up, looking for breakfast and planning your day. who you want to include in every activity you have in mind. like myself, i will find someone who can spend the rest of the saturday at home, lying on bed, watching movies, experimenting new recipe, reading our favorite book or maybe he read via readers hub if he's not interested with book. just as long as he's there with me reading. in case he has something in mind like going out to enjoy nature, doing some activity like hiking, or out to try a new restaurant with a nice food, i'll join him. i will support everything he wants to do. because that's what relationship is about. you support each other. you complete each other. enjoy the similarity, respect the differences. another thing is, you are willing to spend every saturday for the rest of your life with your loved ones.

sincerely from "the inexperienced but a very observant" me. hahahaha...

i have died everyday waiting for you

darling don't be afraid i have loved you for a thousand years

i love you for a thousand more.

a very beautiful lyrics. especially if you make it as your theme song on your big day. imagine you walk down the aisle, and the groom waiting for you with that nervous smile. can't wait to do his vow to make you his wife. oh-so-beautiful...;)

it supposed to be like this

i once a student of high school. i know what it feels like to have a crush on my teacher. i mean my guy teacher. especially the young, cute and fresh one. but it's just a fling. i always know the limit. i limit myself. and i make sure the teacher limit himself. when i was in form 5 there was this teacher who teach in the afternoon session kind of built a feeling towards me. he used to give me a lot of CDs. full with love song. we were the big fan of Radiohead, Smashing Pumpkin and Matchbox 20. in every CD's cover he always put initial like "my zila". it doesn't bother me at first. because to me, it's normal for a young male teacher to treat their favourite student a bit different. especially the cute one like myself. hehe. i understand that somehow he's lonely. i'm growing up with two guys at home. i know the feelings of being a lonely guy. it's normal for them to say sweet things that sound so promising to us. they are men after all. sweet talker running in their blood. sometimes it made me happy. imagine having someone who seems to understand you. not like your average male friends who are so immature. yeah, life was beautiful. but i started to feel it's kind of weird when your teacher talks about having the same watch, having the same phone, it kinds of creep me out. it's even worse when your female teachers start to have bad perspective about you. this things happen until i was in form 6. seriously, i don't have any feeling to that teacher. because i always know that he is my teacher though he never teach me. i was a new students in that school. i'm not from there. so he never teach me. he teach Science, History and English. i guess that was another reason that bond us together. but i always keep a safe distance. we keep in touch until i was in university. we talked about life and love. when i started dating KA, i told him about it and he was happy for me. and when i'm busy juggling school and KA, we lost contact. the last thing i knew is, he got married to a teacher from my school too. i'm happy for him. whenl i finish doing my bachelor degree, the PPD posted me in my old school as a temp substituting teacher in maternal leave. we met again. and i'm teaching in the same session with him. we still can hang out like before. only right that time we're both an adult. no hushy-washy feeling. but i can feel that his wife is not comfortable with it. so once again, i keep a great distance from him and start to hang out with my unmarried Scout teacher and another new young single male teachers. life was beautiful that time. they gave me a lot of sweet memories of being a new teacher. so much lesson i have learn from them. thanks to them, now i can handle a rascals by yelling and spanking them hard.

what i really want to say here, as a teacher, we have to know what is our limit. it's not wrong to be close to a different gender students. but always beware of our utter, our move. we have to understand that we dealing with hormonal puberty human being. they tend to misunderstood our meaning. sometimes they may build a different idea from what we trying to say. trust me, i once a young girl. and as a student, we have to know where we stand. there's a lot of other shiny young fish deep in the ocean. it's not necessary for us to fall for some old dolphin. enjoy life out there. as a youngster, there's a lot to be explore out there. chiao!!!

sincerely from "the experienced" and tired of makan hati me.

i need a sperm donor

i promise i won't see baby's picture.

i promise i won't spend more time with my pregnant bestie.

i promise i won't go to baby's section in mall.

i promise i won't get nearer to any baby or toddler.

i promise i will control myself.

i want a baby. i want a baby. i want a baby. i want to have someone who call me mummy.

someone please marry me pronto!!!

comel

saya ibarat gajah.

penyimpan yang hebat.

a keeper i must say.

saya pendam. saya simpan.

saya suka makan hati tapi tidak juga kurus-kurus.

saya suka tunggu lama-lama.

saya suka perhati diam-diam.

buat assumption negative tentang diri sendiri.

saya comel.

unfamiliar

this isn't mine. i don't belong here. this isn't my house. not anymore.

every thing is so unfamiliar. from bed, to blanket, to plate, to bottle, to glass, to clothes.

i miss the smell of my own room there in bukit garam. i miss the mattress. i miss my blanket. i miss my closet. i miss my oh-so-minah-indon night dress.

i miss every single thing there at my house. i miss living without tv cause honestly i started to hate the sound of it first thing in the morning for this past few days.

i miss not having someone to talk to. i miss mum's phone call. i miss the eager feeling i always have whenever something excited happen to me at school and knowing that i should tell mum. though mum is here, i just couldn't tell her anything. i prefer phone call than face-to-face conversation.

i was home since last friday. but all i do is locking myself in mum's room. i only out for bath, dine, solat and some random stuff i out of the blue did. i online 24/7. lying in mum's bed watching tv, watching movie on laptop and reading at the same time. you should see all the chocolates and soda i've been indulged myself lately. this isn't healthy.

i miss teaching. i miss yelling to my students. i miss talking to them. i miss our personal time. i miss those secret letter whenever they have things to say but just couldn't say it cause they afraid someone might heard it. i miss replying it.

i miss bukit garam. i miss the scorching sunny days. i miss being able to watch orca from my window. i miss our fridge. i miss my little moment with it eating cheese spread or peanut butter before taking my 10pm shower. i miss sitting in front of it reading Newsweek while my hand busy unwrap whatever i have in the fridge. i miss my oh-so-cold jasmine green tea.

i miss nafilah 1. i miss uncle Othman's free gift whenever we went there and he was there as well. i miss hang out with everyone there.

time, please fly fast and end this lonesome and sorrow...;(

critical thinking

have i ever criticise anything about you?

have i ever say anything about your car?

how you drive?

what kind of song you listen to while driving?

when did you take your driving license?

have i ever?

never!!!

so stop talking nonsense to me.

this is my life.

this is how i run it.

i never ask you to take my ride.

i never ask you to sit in my car observing like you're some kind of officer criticizing every single thing about me.

i never ask you to touch my stereo.

so what if i listen to jazz, indonesian love song and world music at the same time?

so what if i chose to drive orca instead of others?

so what if i drive like a maniac?

so what if i chose something over something?

so what?

is there any rules that bind me to do so?

who do you think you are to question every single thing about my life?

you are no one.

no one.

no one.

you are full of bullshit!!!

3 different generation guys and a girl

part 1

me: pa, dia kali mau datang ke rumah kalau jadi ke Tawau.

bapa: Alhamdulillah...

me: bukan dengan niat itu. datang-datang ja macam biasa.

bapa: Alhamdulillah juga. rezeki tetamu.

part 2

abang man: dik, 28 tahun sudah kau kan?

me: 26 la!!! napa? aku nampak tua ka sampai abang ingat aku 28?

abang man: nda la. saja ja mau psycho kau.

me: napa pula mau psycho?

abang man: mana tau tension kau mau kawin terus.

me: napa juga kamu semua ni? kamu nda suka sudah ka sama aku sampai balik-balik suruh orang kawin?

abang man: nda juga ba. bagus juga tu. sejuk nanti kau.

me: macam-macam la ba abang ni.

abang man: habis kalau kau nda kawin pun, bukan kau keluar pun dari bilik. balik-balik berkurung. ada atau tidak kau di rumah ni sama ja rasa nya.

me: terbiasa ba.

abang man: sana kau sendiri. sini ni banyak kami yang boleh kau hadap.

me: jadi nanti kalau aku kawin pun aku bawa juga laki ku berkurung.

abang man: kalau itu nda apa. nampak hasil nya. productive kamu.

me: bikin gerigitan becakap sembarang.

part 3

kikie: transfer dulu lagu pigi mp3 saya ni. laptop saya rosak.

me: lagu bik ni lain-lain sikit ni kie. sanggup ka?

kikie: hantam ja la. memang ka guru BI jiwang-jiwang orang nya?

me: (terkedu)

p/s: that's why i hate to come home sometimes.

Dani and Nisah's wedding

i attend one of my closest friends wedding yesterday with budak kecik and him. never in my life had attend such a beautiful wedding reception. i feel so touched. feel so calm. i don't know how to describe it. it feels so blessed to be there. the Muslim and Muslimah seated separately. and the music is very quiescent yet entertaining. and if you're single, surely you'll keep thinking about marriage after that. just like budak kecik and i. we talked about it once in car excitedly. and i

admit we did smile silently.

i wish to have a very beautiful wedding one day. fill with laugh and joy, bless and grant, family and friends. a simple one yet so remarkable. i'm wishing...-,-

budak kecik and me

comel

ambil barakah...

;)

apa yang cuba di sampai kan Nya?

adakah Tuhan sedang mempermain kan saya dengan cuba menipu?

atau saya yang sukar menerima realiti setelah hidup 26 tahun dengan hakikat itu?

atau kah ini juga dugaan yang super maha tidak best?

tapi kenapa kini setelah saya mendekat kan diri dengan Nya?

home alone

i'm supposed to finish reading this one.

instead of that, i've been spending my time since friday watching Harry Potter the series. i told you i'm not a big fan of him. but still Harry Potter is one of the best literature that one should read and watch.

left alone is so not cool. budak kecik was off to LD since yesterday to do some errands. she's only going to be back tomorrow. i hate when i'm alone at home. it's kind of creepy sometimes. whenever i'm downstairs, i kind of feel like someone is upstairs. i try to ignore it. but i just couldn't. something keep remind me of 3A story about "orang sebelah". well, it's about someone knocking your door and when you asked who is that, he will answer "orang sebelah". you thought he is your neighbour but he is actually "orang sebelah" or half man. i know it's some of ridiculous tale people used to tell. but when you're alone, everything goes to your mind playing like some silly ad. scary, i know.

i guess Nafilah 1 is my second kitchen right now cause i'm so not in the mood to cook. i have a lot of food stock in the fridge waiting to be cooked. i have pasta and everything. i just hate cooking when i'm alone. i don't know how to eat a decent food alone at home but i can sit at a restaurant having my meal alone. weirdo!!! i promise to make a healthy salad for budak kecik so she can

munch it whenever she feels like eating. she's currently on her weight gaining process. so far she managed to gain 2 kgs in a week. almost reach 40 kg. i am so happy for her. i should take care of her food to make sure she's taking a healthy diet and not having all the carbs and sugary food.

just a kind reminder for myself when i'm driving:

1. TOLONG TEKAN BREAK DI SELEKOH HOSPITAL, DI DEPAN PADANG, SIMPANG MASUK AGRO BANK, SIMPANG PASAR DAN BUKIT MENUJU PERUMAHAN.

2. TOLONG JANGAN MELEBIHI 80kmj SEPANJANG JALAN DARI SIMPANG HOSPITAL SEHINGGA DI SIMPANG SESB.

3. TOLONG JANGAN MELEBIHI 100kmj SEPANJANG PERJALANAN KE SEKOLAH.

4. TOLONG JANGAN MELEBIHI 40kmj DI SEKITAR KAWASAN PERUMAHAN TERUTAMA DI LORONG 1.

5. TOLONG JANGAN MEMECUT LAJU DI BUKIT NAIK KE GATE SEKOLAH.

mau hidup lebih lama kan?

random photo taken from FB group.

seni membuka buras. indah kan?

di tambah dengan tempe dan ayam masak lengkuas.

mood raya tiba awal.

blissful friday

a very thoughtful view from an unknown.

it kills to know that the person you love does not love you back.

it hurts so damn much.

more than you can imagine.

like a stab in deep through your chest.

or even worse.

you fall apart, for the hundredth time.

you love this person with all your heart.

they hurt you worse than you've ever been hurt.

well guess what?

that's what we do everyday to Allah.

He loves us so much, no words can describe it.

yet,

we still forget Him in our daily routines.

sunk deep into the trap of this world full of lies deceit.

how do you think Allah would feel like?

we forgot that this world is just a stop. a sojourn.

we forgot that death can come knocking anytime.

we forgot that we're going to meet Him.

face to face in the after life.

we forgot that He's going to question us.

for every single thing we do in our life.

on that day.

how many of us will regret not being truly in love with Him before?

do we still think that we deserve all the pleasures in this world He gave us?

lets start ask for His forgiveness before it's too late.

andai

andai tiba waktu itu,

aku mohon di persiap kan diri ku,

di beri aku kekuatan untuk mengahadapi nya,

dan di permudah kan penyelesaian nya.

bukan buat mas Fahri, tapi buat Lek Khudori atau juga mas Azzam...

wahai orang yang lembut hati nya,

sudah lama aku selalu mengecam pahit

kelam oleh penderitaan

AKU TAK ADA SIAPA PUN KECUALI ALLAH DI HATI KU

tapi kau datang dengan cahaya

aku ingin menjadi yang halal bagi mu

yang kan kau kecup kening nya

kau hapus air mata nya.

dari orang yang selalu merindu kan cahaya mu.

for you

i wish i can spend my whole day at school cause only there i can see you.

i wish i can spend my whole day at school cause that's the only place i can be with you.

cause whenever i'm with you, i don't have to pretend that i'm happy.

cause whenever i'm with you, is the only happiness i have right now.

at least, you always succeed in making me feel at ease.

undo

i don't know where to start.

i don't know how to reset my mind back to normal.

i just can't keep pretend like nothing happen.

i should stop pretending like i'm okay when i'm actually not.

i want everything to be back at its place.

the way it supposed to be.

ya Allah, give me your strength. show me the right path.

ain't Saint at all

aku anggap dia ibarat Santa Claus. selalu berjaya mengada kan yang tidak ada buat ku. setiap wish yang aku pinta, pasti di tunai. tidak dapat di segera kan, esok lusa pasti ada. dari kecil sampai besar. pernah bilang jangan dia di ambil sebelum aku di ambil. dia dunia ku. dia cukup perfect.

apa rasa nya bila dapat tahu Santa Claus tu tidak wujud. yang wujud hanya manusia yang penuh kekhilafan. tapi macam mana mau tukar mind set selama 26 tahun ni?

jatuh

jatuh lagi buat kali kedua. kaki yang hampir sembuh, bengkak semula. careless. tiada pesanan penaja "careful" macam kemarin kan. sedikit lupa untuk lebih prihatin terhadap diri. sakit. dugaan.

;(

;(

;(

stranger call

pintu taubat sentiasa terbuka. lihat saja en.ruang asing. membaca paragraph pertama entry terbaru nya membuat aku tersenyum penuh kesyukuran. pada hal entah siapa dia. cuma kadang-kadang ada connection yang menghubung jalan hidup kami.

hidayah Allah ada di mana-mana. cuma kita yang harus lebih peka pada persekitaran. itu yang aku percaya. suatu waktu dulu, aku adalah orang yang sering mempertanya kan soalan "bila hidayah tu mau sampai ke tempat ku?" kepada budak kecik. seperti biasa juga tanya ku di jawab dengan pelbagai kata-kata nasihat. bila kini aku di tanya kan tanya itu, aku cuma mampu senyum dan bilang "turn kau akan sampai juga kalau kau minta tanpa henti".

kemarin.

budak kecik: syukur juga kau kena begini time period. kalau tidak, nda dapat bayang kan macam mana kau solat duduk.

aku: jangan la. aku mana pandai solat duduk.

budak kecik: maka nya di pelajari.

nampak sangat jahil.

cerita lain.

i just can't accept when a pregnant wife asking for help from a husband but he refused to do whatever the request is. tidak masuk akal. small thing like help to take a question paper from the copy room is enough to make a girl feel appreciated and loved. is it that hard to do so? even for someone like him who is nothing to me is willing to do without being ask. let alone you as a husband. you should go back and learn how to appreciate a girl. for Allah sake, it's your baby she's having in her womb right this moment.

it's not easy to find the right one, no? people change once they married. or should i say that it's hard for people to change? you've been living alone for so long, i know. at least take some time to observe your surrounding. see how others treat their wife. learn how to treat a lady. it won't bring you any harm. women like to be treated like a princess. and you know what good they can bring you once they feel loved.

i know who am i to say all this things. i'm just a single girl who knows nothing about marriage. but i am preparing myself right now to be better for that moment. i learn to be a good wife. just in case. at the same time i keep praying that Allah will shield the eyes of this kind of guy from me. hoping that one day HE will send someone who love me the way i love him. who treat me the way a woman should be treated. i know he is somewhere out there preparing himself for me too. i have faith in Allah's words...;)

some say this kind of thing is kisas or karma. if it's that so, i should fret not for i've been watching such a TLC from the men in my family towards their women.

hidayah

a conversation with one of close friends after jogging today.

he: how do we know when we get the Hidayah?

me: i don't know. usually you yourself will know. because it something that we can feel.

he: what is it feels like?

me: calm.

he: how do you feel right now? i saw a lot of changes in you.

me: i don't know how to describe it. it will come at the right time, in the right situation. but only HE know when and where. that's all i can say. as for me, i should say, after a lot of trial that i can barely pass lately, i think it is the sign from HIM that HE is the most powerful and Almighty. what other reason can you give to deny it?

and i'm happy seeing people around me start to change to a better person. and thank you to those who being so supportive to me. love you guys a lot. seriously. a lot.

p/s: should i say one of the sign is when you start enjoy reciting the Quran in your car every morning while heating the engine and listening to your favourite music?

it would be nice to have someone who flirt with you with food

now i know why the italiano love pasta but still can maintain that lovely figure.

1. they only eat quarter of my meal.

2. they don't have a bowl of ice cream right after that.

should put 1 slice of cheese only instead of 2.

pms, i'm so in love with you.

now, mengantuk at 7.54pm. great. night.

third day

6.50am: nasi kuning

9.35am: sesb and home for hershey kisses

11.43am: rice+chicken curry+squid+spinach

1.00pm: form three teacher's meeting

2.15pm: home

2.46pm: noon nap

4.16pm: watermelon

5.20pm: rice+fried chicken+fried fish+ice jasmine green tea

5.44pm: preparing for cheesy spaghetti

could life be any better than this?

nothing beat the smell of new book

except his smell.

when i'm in a very sad mood, i tend to read a very sad story so i could compare my sadness to those in the novel. i'll end up feeling grateful that my life is way better than the one in the novel. i'm currently reading this book since few days ago. it really move me. as always, middle East story success to make me cry. always. imagine, you as a Muslim Lebanon living in London struggle to have a baby. not because you can't conceive but because you refused to accept the fate that God is not going to give you one just because HE said so. so far, it makes me cried once. so far. i've read until page 48. still a very long way to go. she met a girl named Zahra. i always love that name which means 'flower'. i plan to name my baby girl (i'm wishing) as Suri Zahra. suri is the name of one of the guardian roses in heaven. nice, right. what if it's a boy? i'll name him Elijah. something i always have in mind since i'm with KA long time ago. Khairul Elijah. so i could call him Kal El. Clark Kent's name back at his planet. too much dream. i know. but right now i think Aidan is much better. but i have to change the spelling to Eiden. E, because my mum's name start with an E and Den because my dad's name end with it. cool kan. enough..;)

i lost 4 kgs without even trying to lose weight. to me it's not a good sign. that means i'm not in a good condition. there are something wrong with me. i'm not happy. seriously. so i went out to jog after asar today. mind that my asar is around 4 something because i'm such a bad noon napper. i run and run and run until i'm tired. and now my whole muscle is start to ache. i'm just praying it won't lead to sick. cause i'm so tired of sick lately. it's good. it's fun. running, thinking and talking at the same time. it's not like i'm running to lose weight. i just want to keep fit. to make me feel healthier. at least i'm doing something other than read and online on weekend. feel so great right now. you know what? it sting to receive a comment like "tecer nda makan perut pun tapi still babat juga".

vida

i'm trying as hard as i can to run my life as normal as possible.

i know it might be the hardest things to do.

but i believe by pretend that everything is going to be okay will make everything right.

for this time being.

doesn't matter how i feel inside.

doesn't matter what is on my mind lately.

i'll fake it.

i'll fake everything.

for the sake of myself.

i should not let my guard down.

i should not stop protecting my heart.

i should start now before everything is too late.

Tuhan itu adil dan selalu tahu apa yang terbaik buat hamba Nya. siapa aku untuk mempersoal segala nya bila semua sudah di atur sebaik-baik mengikut percaturan Nya. hidup dan chess itu sama sahaja. tiada siapa yang menjanji kan ending terbaik. sebab cuma Dia yang tahu siapa pemenang dan siapa pengalah in the end. dan siapa aku juga untuk bilang "ini tidak best". cuma aku minta satu sahaja. hati ku jangan lagi di uji sedang semua tau aku tidak cukup kuat. siapa lagi aku untuk mempersoal permintaan ku yang belum di makbul. bukan menyangsi kuasa Nya tapi sekadar bertanya. di mana keadilan sedang saban jam aku melihat manusia bertopeng syaiton bahagia dengan hidup yang Kau berikan sedang aku masih belum beroleh nya dan terus hidup dengan kepincangan dan ujian yang tidak pernah putus. di mana keadilan yang di war-war kan. sekali lagi siapa aku untuk mempersoal semua itu sedang aku hanya mengingat Mu di kala getir. bila jiwa rapuh. siapa aku?

i know you read this. help me to put myself at ease again. like you used to do.

numeric

checkered shirt.

that smells.

teaching numbers.

turn me on.

turn me on.

turn me on.

and it's all happen on friday?

just great...

tiba-tiba

selagi ada sinaran mentari

selagi ada getar di jiwa ku.

teda-teda ni. ok, semua boleh muntah lepas ni.

opt

there are two options here:

1. get married and be happy.

2. transfer. (at least i don't have to suffer when fate is not written between us)

tahajjud cinta

tipu bila aku bilang kahwin itu soal kedua dalam hidup sedang itu adalah pintu syurga bagi perempuan.

bohong bila aku tidak memikir kan nya setiap waktu di usia begini.

Ya Allah, hadir kan lah pelindung dan pembimbing yang mengimam kan setiap solat ku.

jalan-Nya

ampun yang telah engkau pinta dalam semua keraguan yang telah meliputi jiwa mu

semoga kan membawa cinta mu

pada diri ku dalam jalan dan redha-Nya

run

i want to start running again, why.

it gives me time to think.

it gives me time to deep think.

it gives me time to fucking think about every single thing.

it gives me time to enjoy the solidarity.

or maybe i want to get rid of this muffin that looks like 2 months pregnant bump?

well, at least i'm not running away from my feeling nor reality.

you know what's wrong with you?

you get chicken when you start feel your feeling.

you confused.

you run away from it when you know very well you have that same feeling.

you scared.

you afraid of being hurt. (like other people not)

today you like this, tomorrow you like that.

as far as i'm concern, it's not the other person who has problem.

it's you.

you're not sure of your own feeling.

you know what you want but you don't know what to do.

now let me gives you some suggestion on how to solve this.

don't treat that person nicely.

don't treat that person special.

don't give that person wrong idea.

don't give false alarm.

do not take care of the food.

do not take care of everything.

do not pretend like you know what that person wants.

do not text.

do not talk over some serious things.

do not make any move that will lead to flowery feeling.

do not ask that person to hold your thing.

unless...

you really want that person. go straight to that person and tell that person how you really feel about that person. don't do all of this and just disappear the next day. you know why? because it so fucking hurt thinking that someone is finally have a feeling towards you but in the end you'll find out that person is not. and yet you do it again and again and again, why? because you know that that person always have a feeling for you no matter what. but you forget one thing. you forget that that person is a person. a human being. that person has feeling. does it ever appear to your beautiful mind, how hurt that person might be, how tired that person can be, how sick that person can be with all of the 'tarik tali' thing you keep playing. make up your mind. just make up your mind. you know something beautiful is waiting for you.

p/s: apa kau mau?

(itu pun mau tanya lagi ka? sudah tau aku mau kau kan.)

instead of that, :: mau daging dua.

tidak best

me: do you believe in marriage?

he: off course. why?

me: as an institution or as a symbol of love?

he: both. in the name of God.

too bad. i'm not. now. i've been thinking about it lately. and i want to give myself a chance. perhaps there are secret wonder behind matrimony. so i thought, why not. let's give it a try. open up my heart. yes. i did open my heart for these pass five days. i wake up everyday with a smile on my face. thinking about giving someone a chance. whoever he could be. i'm happy. i thought i was. but i'm not. this morning, budak kecik told me something. and just like that, i changed back to what i was. there's nothing behind marriage but a mess and all the things i have in mind lately only happen to our parents.

just when i thought my heart is ready for it, something prove me wrong.

just when i thought there something between us, you prove me wrong. again.

sola alma

strong jaw

long straight nose

deep eyes.

just perfect.

suratan atau kebetulan? what the heck...

i've been using this background image for google homepage since the day Barney formatted my laptop few months ago. i know why he set it up for me. everyone knows i have a big crush on elephant. to me, it is like the most unique animal on earth. it's big. somehow it represents myself. and i love it so much. i feel like want to hug him the moment he handed me my laptop. but tonight when i try to open a new tab, something caught my attention. let's see what makes me laughing my arse out yet makes me think. we'll see if we have the same idea.

this is my homepage

get what i mean?

let's enlarge the picture

still don't get it?

the elephant is in love with the ant

isn't it something?

p/s: senyum sendiri, kan?

dunia ini terasa lebih nyaman dan aman, jika kita ketahui ada seseorang yang menanti dan menunggu, dan menikmati kejelek kan kita, bukan?

sedang kan ruang asing sudah bisa membuka pintu hati nya setelah sekian lama.

kenapa pula aku belum di hadir kan rasa itu?

p/s: kamu pugai ya?

bosom

i've changed my bra size cause now it's so fresh, full and creamy.

ada jiwa Borneo dalam diri nya

is there any different between peninsular and borneo?

does it really matter where someone come from?

no, right?

my parents never care about that thing. especially my OH SO MACHO AND HANDSOME daddy.

all he cares about is whether that special someone capable of loving his baby girl the way he did. so i suppose no problem in dating peninsular guy. i won't say dating because my age is not suitable to date again. let say it in more serious way. matrimony. marriage. yes, my dad does not have a problem of me marrying someone from outside of borneo. i won't say sabah either cause borneo sounds sexier. in fact one of my sister is marrying someone from peninsular. my niece dating peninsular guy. everyone accept them for who they are. no one judge them. but we did sometimes. only on occasion. hahaha...

repent

one of the best things living together with budak kecik is every night you can hear she recites the Holy Quran and none of the day this house lack of the sound of dzikir and all the beautiful sounds come from her laptop. such a tranquila. it feels like home. exactly like home. it's like my OH SO MACHO AND AMAZING DADDY is there with me every single day. i used to sneak up her room to watch her perform the solah. i just don't know why i don't have the courage to do so. please don't get me wrong. i'm trying so hard to do so as well. it's just not my best.

i just hope that the Al-Mighty have some mercy on me.

knot

not really looking for the exact.

Aisyah (The Prophet Muhammad's wife) once asked him: "How is your love for me?"

"Like the rope's knot," he replied meaning that it was strong and secure.

And time after time thereafter, she would ask him: "How is the knot?" and he would reply: "Ala haaliha in the same condition."

but at least, something close.

if

if i have a boyfriend, i will call him beautiful.

remember when i said language guy always turn me on?

you know what it feels like to fall in love with anonymous?

it feels so relief. why?

because you don't have to meet this person. especially if you both don't know each other.

he does not know about your existence nor you know about his real self.

and you know from the first place it won't happen. never. nunca.

i was in love. nope. i am still in love with this particular guy since i first read his blog two years ago. he is a teacher in some remote area in Sarawak. to me he such a good writer. he knows language very well and he surprisingly has a very pleasant look. not the handsome type of guy. but more to nerdy-i-enjoy-literature-so-much type. i've been spending my weekend browsing his blog reading his past post. i enjoy this label of his. seems like he understand or at least trying harder to understand Venusia. it so glad to know that actually there are some people out there who make some effort to try to understand the way we are. really. flower-flower, okey. by the way, please try to read The Gentle Sex. sure it'll bring a smile on your face. Cheerio!!!

p/s: going to miss Mr.Beego so much. though we don't know each other that well, at least he used to sleep next to Orca.

finger and nail

it's normal when your student is the one who said things like "cantik nya kuku teacher".

but when your married male colleague who said things like "cantik jari-jemari zila", creepy, right?

>rasa macam terganggu sikit emosi. di bulan ramadhan la pula.

i'd love to

I'd love to kill you with a kiss

I'd like to strike you down with bliss

I'd like to tie you up in knots

Until your heart stops

I'd love to kill you with a glance

I'd like to put you in a trance

I'd like to drug you with my scent

And use you in the moment, ooh

I'd love to kill you as you eat

The pleasure would taste so sweet

I'd like to open up your skin

And wander there within

I'd love to kill you by a stream

Where no one can hear my baby scream

And then I'd run away and be free

The sweetest victory, ooh

I love to watch you in your sleep

'Cause you don't have power over me

And when you're awake I'm undone

Under you spell in hell

tidak cute langsung

soemone: it's hard to ignore you in public. you're such an eye catcher.

me: wattafuck!!! geli, tau!!!

someone: betul. cute.

me: part mana?

someone: part yang you teda perasaan stick dengan your papa, nda peduli orang lain.

me: itu pun kau boleh notice?

love blooms, magic happen

as if.

i am.

1. a reckless driver.

2. i love spending my time alone.

3. trying so hard to avoid the crowd.

4. i have a very weird crush on books. especially inspired story from middle east.

5. i want to have an iPod touch since the day i lost my nano but until right now can't afford to have one.

6. been trying so hard to ask less money from dad and give more to him.

7. jiwang. sort of muka ganas dalam hati ada taman kind of person.

8. been writing my first English poem when i was 12 and still keeping it in my secret place.

9. touched easily.

10. emotionally retarded.

11. today i confess my devotion to you, tomorrow i forget your name.

12. i pretend that i listen to something like the Fray and the Stroke when actually i'm crying listen to gardot and jones music.

13. i like noryn aziz.

14. i love my job. i love my job. i so fuckingly love my job. at least, school is a place where i can have someone to yell when PMS strucks me.

15. i love my kids. the drama team. the matahari. and my anggerik troupe of monkeys.

16. 'if the stars were mine' is my favourite song. i don't mind to be someone who please her love one though everyone knows that i'm not that kind of person.

17. i like to listen to some random song again and again just to listen to my favourite verse.

18. i cry whenever i watch sad movie. in fact, i'm a weeper.

19. can't live a day without jasmine green tea. i feel weak.

20. sometimes, i like to pretend to be a bimbo just to get other people to do some task for me. bad, nay?

21. i feel like i want to show my middle finger whenever a question like 'when will you get married?' occurred. it's like you asking someone 'when are you going to die?'

22. i ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS have a thing with a language person. especially a malay guy with some weird foreign accent. and an enormous gigantic list of vocab. always success to turn me on. and it's a bonus if he can write very well.

23. i wish to have a mini library at home one day. big dream. i know.

24. the most important thing is, i'm a daddy's girl.

yeah, right.

if the mask start to fit you, don't wear it

lately.

i've read a lot about marriage and stuff like that.

still.

hati batu.

p/s: tunggu kau stop minta duit from parents, baru kita fikir benda itu.

will ya?

is he running?

try to catch up with him.

if you get tired on the way, don't worry.

he will stop for you, hold your hand and build up your strength to run with him again.

26

it's just a number. not more than that.

hijrah?

bila-bila masa pun boleh.

=)

SELAMAT BERTUAAN ZILA MARSDEN.

i decorate my room just in case you show up

i am single. for the time being.

if. i say IF.

if an ex out of the blue emerged with a diamond in a blue box, i would say yes.

why?

at least he knows me and i know him. we knew each other very well.

silly. i know.

bitter.

not waiting for him.

but my preferable. what i always want in life.

something/someone familiar to me.

just like if a close friend ask my hand for matrimony, i would say yes as well.

to me it's way better than to have to know new people.

the sex, the lust, the charm, it will come later.

and the L word, a close friend, what do you expect? it always there.

the spark? i always start a flame without it. so what's the point of having it?

and yeah, a close friend is someone who knows you like you knew yourself.

the least is he can share the favourite poem with a cup of jasmine green tea and a jazz music when life start to treat you cruel.

p/s: kangaroo or kiwi? i always prefer kiwi though koala sitting next to kangaroo. get it? preferable is a priority to someone like me.

suri

be my mirror, my sword and shield,

my missionaries in a foreign field,

and i'll do the same for you.

promise. pakka promise.

till death do us apart

a single tear is enough for a tale like this.

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.

She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.

When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.

She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside
the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy.

I drove to office…. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.

Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.
My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.— At least, in the eyes of our son—- I’m a loving husband….

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

By Stephanie Halmilton

wordless wednesday

great dinner + nice swing music= tanjung aru

so fucking miss this

;(

fetish

i can literally smell you.

unease. again.

that's why i chose to avoid such things.

disrupt.

UNSOLVED PROBLEM

1. WORK

i wonder when will i ever stop worrying about work. i know i seldom bring my work back at home. i usually settle everything up at school. i never bring students' exercise book at home. i will make time to check their work at school. i finish my lesson plan. people thought i have nothing to do at home other than watching movie, reading and sleeping as i always say. but actually i still think about work when i'm home. i'm teaching 5 form 3 classes. their future is in my hand. if they failed their English, i'm the one to be blame by Mr. Principal. it scare the hell out of me. what am i supposed to do? PMR is just around the corner and i know my students are not ready for it. i've been trying so hard preparing everything for them. drills, exercise, tests. still it leads nowhere. i'm going to be a dead meat. burn alive by the principal and the admin...;(

2. FINANCE

after almost 2 years of working, i still don't know how to manage my monthly expenses. i always over budgeting myself in everything. still can't live without daddy's money. daddy usually will give me 200-300 a month as a pocket money. that's not included my fuel and any expenses when i'm home in tawau. i have no saving. and what worse, i don't even know where the money gone. for God sake, they don't even have shopping mall here in sandakan. i guess i spent more in food and beverages. no wonder i'm such a fat cow. how am i suppose to solve this? i need a financial manager!!!

3. FEELING

huuuuuuhhhhhhhhh...a very big sigh. i hate how i feel right now. it's like there's a burden inside of me that i have to let go but i just don't know how. emotionally unstable. i just need someone to talk to, someone who can understand me. but i know once i meet this person, i wont talk. not even a single words. cause that's what i am. reserved. so just forget it.

i do flirt, a lot. but i never let things go beyond words. i will only go for someone i really like and i don't get one just for fun. i will wait for the one guy that is potentially the be all and end all.

God, help!!! mati.

what a wonderful world

i went to sandakan yesterday with two most closest person ever, budak kecik and big bird. nothing special happen actually. but at some point i feel so very glad and unconditionally happy without some explainable and logical reason.

start with forcing big bird to join us for his stupid refusal and 'janji melayu' fetching time. what can i say. i'm not even a pure malay. still i can't at least be punctual. reached there around 11 something. straight to Nam Choon to take our lunch. i don't know why i have this little Chinese food appetite. we have a chicken rice with a steam fish. then to Sabah Hotel to settle something and to fulfil our lustrous mouth with a cheese cake. i love the green tea cheese cake and i feel content with the taste of it inside my mouth. orgasmically pleasure. do groceries at Genting Mas. i don't know why i never have the heart to do groceries there. the environment doesn't suits me perhaps. went there just for the sake of big bird. i don't care how cheaper the prices are there. i'm not comfortable with the place. so we went to giant. but before that we stop by at 7 Heaven for a little tea time.

i told you nothing special. but what i love is our way back home moment. we tune to Radio Music. the dj played songs around late 80s and early 90s. we were surprised when we can still remember some of the song. though some of it we don't even heard before. we sing our arz out. scream. not really singing. i'm just so happy. watching big bird smiling. seeing budak kecik laughing. i would trade the world just to see those smiles again and again. euphoric.

p/s: i now weight around 57kg. unbelievable? believe it. devastated for not be able to buy a new Levi's jeans. sandakan outlet is having sale for old item. i tried size 26, unfit. 27, unfit. i'm getting worried. i asked for size 28, unfit!!! i repeat UNFIT. then what is my size now?

betray

you will betray me baby, and i will be true

i only ask 'may i share dinner with you?'

wedding vow

may you never steal, lie or cheat

but if you must steal, and steal away my sorrow

and if you must lie, lie with me every night for the rest of my life

and if you must cheat, please cheat death

because i couldn't live a day without you.

loco indeed

i want a baby pronto!!!

my favourite picture

isn't she the sweetest

whore

the world does not always revolved around you. you are not the trend setter when you know very well i'm the first one who did every thing you do now. that makes me as the trend setter. yet i never claim anyone as a copy cater when i know all that trend belong to the 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s. you and me just relive it. believe me, no one wants to be a clone when we all well aware that we're just cloning someone from behind back when life was new and people were young. so please, please, please, grow up. never claim anyone as a follower. comprehende?

i am now trying to understand life from a prostitute, Maria, point of view. something worthwhile than reading your full of grammatical error works.

faham?

i need something beautiful like this.

not necessary a husband.

just a guy.

“You were born together,
and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when the white wings
of death scatter your days.
Aye, you shall be together even in the
silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another, but make not a bond of love.
Let it rather be a moving sea between
the shores of your souls.
…

And stand together, yet not too near together.
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress
grow not in each other’s shadow.”

a start

there's a thing i've been keeping for quite some time. i need to burst it out. i just don't know where i'm supposed to start.

to all the men out there

Date a Girl Who Read

by Rosemary Urquico

Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes. She has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve.

Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag.She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she finds the book she wants. You see the weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a second hand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow.

She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the book.

Buy her another cup of coffee.

Let her know what you really think of Murakami. See if she got through the first chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she says she understood James Joyce’s Ulysses she’s just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if she loves Alice or she would like to be Alice.

It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas and for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry, in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does.

She has to give it a shot somehow.

Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world.

Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who understand that all things will come to end. That you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.

Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilightseries.

If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.

You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s sick. Over Skype.

You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.

Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.

p/s: (^^)

thoughts

i'm good in memorising.

i remember people face.

i remember their clothes.

i remember their name.

i remember their story.

and mostly i remember their smells.

budak kecik= floral and womanly

ah moi= soft and feminine

minachi= pooja karu

penyanyi= too strong

pingu= musk with a little nicotine

barney= nice one...in fact, my favourite of all

big bird= pricey...and individuality

sang sir= still...turn on is the right word

babe= missing, slightly longing and yearning for more

the thing is, will they remember me the way i remember them?

routine

it's okay to cook every night

as long as i'm not washing the dish

;)

baby sophie

i don't care if it hurts

i want to have control

i want a perfect body

i want a perfect soul

i want you to notice when i'm not around

cause i'm special

so fucking special

but i'm a creep

i'm a weirdo

what the hell am i doing here

i don't belong here

-everybody loves radiohead.

mutant and proud

go fuck yourself

(enough to put a smile on my face while watching X-Men: first class)

go Jackman!!!

go Australia!!!

;)