Cake

I browsed his facebook for the first time today and I was like "What the fuck are you doing? Trying to hurt yourself?". Only then I realized starting new relationship is never a piece of cake. It's actually a process of making the cake itself. May I have the patient of a baker in creating my own sugar arts.

fragile

At this point, everything can actually break me. Family relation, friendship, relationship. I need to be strong, not for anyone, but for my dying soul. I'm not even sure what i want. I just let others decide for me. I let every single person in my life to take control of it. I let vapid people to criticise, laugh, even talk bad things about me right before my naked eyes. I don't mind at all. I really don't mind. Do whatever you want. Say whatever your heart desire. Because in the end, I know who's the Saint and who's the Satan. And the irony, I'm both. Yeah baby yeah. No baby no.

still struggling

i was having bad fever last week since tuesday night. so i decided to go home so someone can take care of me while i'm in my full-of-shit mood. what i love the most about being sick at home is because my dad really knows how to take care of me. he made the most delicious comfort food and a glass of hot milk for his sick baby girl. life is totally heaven at home. he even hand fan me in the middle of the night when black-out happened. oooohhh...i love you, daddy.
i've spent too much time at home and i realized few sad things about my dad since mum left. i noticed he only used one side of the bed. when i asked him why, he simply said that it is my mum's side and it supposed to remain like that even when she's no longer around. i cried and said he supposed to change side sometimes so that the bed will look even. he just give me an empty smile. we spent most of our nights watching nat geo or some tennis tournament. i'm glad for i have a chance to do this more with him. i know he misses her. i miss her so much too. we still can feel her present around the house. life is hard.

it will be her 100th day this 24th oct. please protect her, Dear Allah.

my heart is an empty room

in a time like this, a girl will always turn to her mother to seek for advice and tlc. but mine is no longer here. that just double the pain. please give me Mary's strength to face it. that's all i'm asking.

on the contrary, i feel so blessed. so blessed. Alhamdulillah.

the perks of being an active lady

There are two reasons for a woman to be extremely craving for certain food.

1. She's going to have her period soon.

2. She's having a bun in the oven.

So which situation am i in? Drugstore, here i come!!!

positivity

harus bisa!!!

trying my luck

He: apply transfer to sfc la so we can teach in the same school.

Me: see first ok.

Maybe this is my chance to fulfill my fantasy of having a quickie in the science lab or library. Or maybe we can have one in the bestari lab or sport store. Hahahahaha...^,^

mum

it's been 43 days since mum left us here to be with her family. i think i'm still struggling living without her. it feels so awkward not to talk to her every single morning. i know i sometimes feel annoyed with her routine question checking on me every day. but right now i swear i would pay the world just to hear her voice once again asking me what do i have for breakfast.
i want my mummy!!!

Syawal

Eidu fitri without mum is weird and sad and totally sucks. I want my mama..:(

the most blessing gift God ever gave me

"A daughter without her mother is a woman broken. It is a loss that turns to arthritis and settles deep into her born" 

she's not missing. she's not visiting relatives. she died. she's no longer here. she's now happy with her family on the other side. i can never hear that soft voice calling my name. no longer i can see that beautiful smile. now there's only dad and i against the world. i have to be strong for him. i maybe lost a mum. but he lost his bestfriend, his love.

8 days without you. Al-Fatihah, Enit Donald Jackson.

tell me how i can possibly be ok.

until my blood turns into alcohol

only then i'll make my mind up.
about us.

the one that got away

G: how are you?
me: growing.
G: growing? not gaining? maksud?
me: i need a new bra size.
G: what? you double D now? that's nice.
me: you not helping pun.

i called him to wish happy father's day last night. it's funny how he still call me rabbit. it's like nothing ever change between us. it's really a miracle how someone can make you feel loved sometimes. we talked about everything. have a good laugh. one thing i like about him is he is so wise and knows what to say to me especially in my condition lately. before hung up he said, "find someone who can appreciate your wit, ok baby". it makes me smile thinking about that. thanks, G. i really loved you when i'm with you before. hehe.

where can i steal money to buy new bra? seriously, when are you going to finally stop growing?

be grateful

1. i wish that my hair stop growing so i don't have to shave frequently. please bless me with clean supple leg.
2. i wish that my legs are 4 inches longer than now so i can rock my skinny jeans more.
3. i wish i can download new clothes illegally from the internet because i'm so fed up with everything in my closet right now. sadly to say i can't afford to buy a new one.
4. i wish i can wear anything i want to my office instead of baju kurung. why can't i wear pants to school???
5. i wish i can quit my job and do something less stress than this career.

i wish.

walk before run

in one of our night together, i notice some major changes in me. i notice that i'm not strong enough. my stamina was low. my knees were weak. i have no energy. i cannot spend too much time. i used to do better than this. but that was like four years ago. i won't say lack of practises as an excuse. it is just me. i lost interest in almost everything. i lost myself. the most frustrating is to see that un-sated face on the next day versus my glowing shiny face.

yoga and long walk, let's be bestfriend from now on.
please help me to put a smile on that face again.

tanpa hati dan rasa

saya silap larang kau kawin perempuan lain.
saya silap minta kau kawin dengan saya.
saya silap tentang kau.
dari mula lagi saya sebenar nya sudah silap.
kesilapan besar saya adalah lead kau untuk involve dengan saya.
mungkin saya lambat sedar.
but better late than never kan.
sekarang saya lepas kau.
kawin la dengan perempuan lain.
kawin la dengan sepa pun.
saya tidak kisah lagi.
i've had enough of you.
tepu.

kenapa?
sebab kau tetap yang dulu.
and i'm not a cat with 9 lives. kena stab berkali-kali pun tidak pandai mati.
i'm not an angel.
i'm not Mary.

a better happier st.sebastian

why are you frowning when i'm here with you? you smile better.

yes, you were there with me. but...i don't know how to say this. i usually not the type of girl who always want more from others. but with you, i start to want more. i want you. i want you before. i want you right now. i want you even then. i don't know what is the chances for us to be together. i don't know if you worth to try. i don't even know if you want me for real this time. we have fun. you make me laugh. you actually listen to my mumble almost every weekend. and you spoon me which is rare for a guy to do especially when i'm no one to you. i know i said No before. and right now, i don't know how to say yes to you when i can feel that you gaping yourself. i won't regret the No before. but i will hunt you till you say yes once again.

before he left that last morning together, "you deserve to be happy. that face doesn't suit you". and in that moment i swear, we're deserved to be together.

almost

two more days, zila. then you can have the real break that you deserve. kimbet!!! why suddenly time fly so very slow???

fion, glo, chris and me in our batik

going to miss these people.

re-enact

so you did the prayer and saw her and you cried for your idiocy.

even God helps you by giving a sign. 

then what are you waiting for? 

be a man. go get your bride so you both can re-enact all the sex scenes from Fifty Shades Trilogy.

not telling her, then act like you feel nothing and turn yourself into the same old moron.

chemistry. neutron collision. intuition. God's sign.

lampisang!!!

sampai tua la.

leather

it is almost the same as in buying a dress. you want the specific dress that you've been eyeing for some time but end up with different one. not because you can't afford the one you want. but it's because you've spent too much time eyeing it you grew bored of it. not really that bored. maybe because it just stick there without even trying to attract you after so long. so when they put the new arrival item with 10% discount from the same favourite store of yours, off course the decision has been made. now you're going out wearing a new dress, looking gorgeous as usual and feel ecstatic. but then, when you eyed the one that still hang there in the mannequin, you just realize you have made the wrong choice. bam!!! ngerti???

you know what i find therapeutic? no. not shopping. shaving. i love to shave myself in the bathroom and do some thinking while waiting for the cream to take action. i don't know why but i find this act very soothing and stress relieved. i love the feeling after that whenever i touch my skin it so supple it reminds me of new born baby. i usually shave my legs only but for what i have in mind lately have forced me to shave my whole body. right now i don't know what am i going to shave when i come back from the office after seeing him wearing that brown leather shoes.

kill me.

heart that matter

dear G,
i want to be with you more than electron wants to attach to proton.
never doubt the faithful-est heart.

sincerely,
your rabbit.

when in school

thinking about this, right at this moment...

i want to have my wicked way with you...

little that i know

i don't know why suddenly i feel hatred of this place. i hate being here so much i want to put revolver in my mouth then pull the trigger. i'm not in the mood to work since the beginning of the year. little that i know that this feeling never get rid of me even until today. it's april now but i still feel the same. i'm so stress. tortured, suffocated with the surrounding. i despise everything. i cursed everytime i enter the class. i don't prepare my lesson until 5 minutes before it. i am so demotivated by every single thing about school. this is so fucked up. i shouldn't feel like this. this isn't me. i used to love this teaching career. i missed that feeling. i missed staying up late just to prepare a new module to teach my kids. i missed wondering around in book store finding new material for them. and now all i can think is school holiday. a very long vacation where i don't have to iron my clothes. where i don't have to think what to wear tomorrow. where i don't have to wake up early every morning. wait, i am a morning person. okay then. where i can wear a boxer and some tank or baby-t without even care to put my bra on. where i don't have to worry about every single thing. where i don't have to deal with young people. where i am actually away from this tormented place. i feel stranded and alone here. 

gosh, i miss K so much i started to use our picture as my phone wallpaper.

kinky me

apparently today is the last day of staying home. going back to bitter reality tomorrow. boy, i hate school so much i feel like want to explode every time i think about it. went back to home town last week but i was home since yesterday. i need to be well-rested a day before school started. been spending my holiday by reading lots of books actually. went out almost everyday. avoiding things at home. life's hard.
as the thing with him, it was quite a challenge for us both. we have many first time things during the holiday. first time big argument. first time this and that. first time everything. i just couldn't believe, he of all people was actually against my interest of reading. not really by the act. it's just the material that i'm indulge myself into lately that made him furious. this is what he said when he found out about it.

he: you shouldn't read that kind of book. you know it's unhealthy, rabbit.
me: what's unhealthy about erotic romance?
he: you know it better that anyone. it's not even literature to me.
me: why? because you think i'm a bimbo for reading it? that i'm not smart enough to handle serious reading material? bla...bla...bla...(immature blabbing)
he: don't be ridiculous. it's not like that.
me: then what?
he: i'm afraid i'm not up to your expectation once we get together later.
me: what do you mean?
he: i might not be able to have your little fantasy of having sex with that heroic megalomaniac bastard from the book.

(i was actually laughing my arse out reading his text that time. but i got his point. he just forgot that i'm also realistic. i won't expect more from a malay guy though i don't consider himself malay regarding his background and life surrounding. still i replied him with...)

me: i don't expect you to be them. as long as you can take me anywhere i want, like on the kitchen counter, in the lift, inside your car, in the bathroom, keep me sated with your techniques, i'm okay.
he: wow, rabbit. see...kinky.
me: then if you fail to satisfy me, we can always threesome with b.o.b. hahahaha.

i don't know why we even discussing this. it is still long way to go before we heading that point. i'm just not ready to talk about any future with him. i like things the way it is now or as they said, carpe diem. hehe.
i was exhausted with many dramas lately. so when i reached home yesterday, i headed straight to long shower. shaved myself and clean everything. it's really refreshing. i wonder why i can't do thar at my parents place. hmmm. later last night, he asked me to video talking with him cause he wanted to show me something. turned out he just wanted to sing toxic for me. he really look cute wearing his pyjama bottom dancing like 15 years old  kid in love. gosh, i don't know how long i can keep up in this relationship. longer i bet if he quit asking for more.

in a moment

craving

less complicated kindle for Malaysian market

to finally find this type of bed spread in lilac

doing this

with this guy

while listening to this track on repeat

to you, i'll give the world

to you, i'll never be cold

but for the time being...

specky

i finally got myself a glasses for my reading and night driving. then i sent a picture of me in glasses to him. i expected he will comment that i look smarter and more mature with my serious teacher look. instead of that,
he: i like specky you, rabbit. look very kinky.
me: WTF!!!
he: why?
me: not really something i want to hear. i expect something positive and decent.
he: what more decent to describe your Prof look than kinky?

this guy is totally impossible.

two stupid people

he: what are you doing?
me: watching matt bomer on youtube. you?
he: again? don't you have any better thing to do?
me: like what?
he: preparing for work tomorrow. i'm sure you have tons of work to do, right?
me: wait after i finish download john legend's song. what are you doing?
he: you listen to him? since when?
me: yeah. since i fall for his PDA. why?
he: i like him. just that.
me: what are you doing?
he: i wish we can PDA. i just want to show everyone that you're finally mine.
me: you are totally impossible, did you know that?
he: why? what's wrong?
me: i asked what you are doing three times and you haven't told me. you just keep blabbering again and again. you pissed me now. i'm signing off.
he: hehehehehe. i'm reading bah, rabbit. show me your piss off face. faster.
me: unbearably impossible. buku apa?
he: cosmopolis by don delillo.
me: gosh...i lala you.
he: come again, rabbit. ooo you mean you love me?
me: nothing. now tell me about your weekend.

i'm in lala with you, little Englishman. why? because you read. then you keep surprising me with all the things that i found out about you. and because we both have eclectic choice of everything. because we are two stupid people who caught up in this ugly yet cute circumstance.

the secret of flawless

i know the price is cost me a fortune but i've been using this serum since last year. i started with the trial pack, a small bottle of 15 ml which is amazingly lasted until right now since last november. now i'm using the actual size of 50 ml. boy!!! it costs me almost rm300. if it's not because of the wonderful effect it gives me, hell no i will continue using it. i have this combination skin of oily around my T-zone and dry on the v area which i hate the most. after a month of using it, i noticed that that problem solved. what i like the most is whenever i have breakout, i apply this serum at night. the next thing i knew, i wake up with dry and healing breakout. it's totally a miracle. the best thing is when people at my work place start to notice that my skin is getting clearer and brighter. another best part is when you received a comment like "why are you seem glowing lately?". (^-^)
i would like to suggest this serum to my friends. don't worry about the price because it will last for a very long time. which is to me another great way of saving. plus, i don't think you need that much money stuck in this place. why not invest it into something that will make you smile at least 5 years from now whenever you're facing your mirror, right?

status

currently in love with a person who wear brogues everywhere including shopwalking in a mall.

in a relationship with little Englishman aka Last Minute Guy.

avoiding further commitment.

still breathing.

no one said it was easy

i'm not really scare about what happened on us in here lately. i mean i am scare a bit. just not that deadly scare because somehow i knew they will protect and put our safety as their priority. and that's what they do to us now. thanks you so much to our ranks of army and police officers. but we've been in this cautious mode since last week. it actually made me feel trapped. the feeling of locked in the house and unable to go out from this place is totally unbearable. i tried to keep myself positive. then two nights ago, out of the blue they blackouted my place. i was asleep at that time. but when i open my eyes, i saw darkness. i can't breath and i'm suffocated. i was claustrophobic since i was little. i start to call my housemate. luckily she's up. it took a while for me to calm down. i knew that moment i may get panic attack and it may turn ugly. then everything back to normal. i texted him telling about the incident. he was so worried and i have to calm him. then yesterday evening he called. it's been awhile since the last one. i don't usually pick up his call since i prefer our so-called textual relationship. but i feel so alone in this place, in this situation and i don't want to make him worry worse. so i picked it up after 3 missed calls. we talked for a while. he asked how was everything here and i briefed him about everything. it feels so weird at first. then i said i'm so not good in this phone call thing with the loved ones. he said it's okay. i'm not so bad for the first timer after a very long vacation. i'll get through this if i often pick up his call in the future. i laughed. i found it funny. it makes me wonder how we are going to talk in person later. i also found a bit odd about our discourse. we chose english as our first language in texting since it is more simple. during phone call, we actually speak in english and standard malay. it just makes me wonder how come we never speak in our mother tongue since both of us are fluent in it. i try to explore things slowly. learn one step at a time if i really want to make this works. i know it never easy. but the beginning is always the hardest part. we'll get through it eventually. whatever it is, we'll see how far things go from here.

yeah, i actually like this guy more than i like The Zahir by Paolo Coelho. and i seriously need glasses right now or i shall say goodbye to reading and night drive.

little pirate and englishman

me: how does everyone know about us in the first place? i thought we've been discreet about it.
he: i don't know. maybe i keep showing off my loon love face.
me: what kind of face is that?
he: like the one i sent to you last thursday.
me: it's not even your face in that video, silly. it's just your fingers in that black and white keys and your off tune singing.
he: i thought you have a thing with musician finger.
me: i am. but you just ruined my favourite song by doing that awful rendition.
he: then i should send you a video of me in the office.
me: and why is that?
he: because i'm more handsome when i'm busy working.
me: you're impossible!!!
he: you still want me.
me: no, i'm not.
he: ouchie, rabbit. you break my heart into a million pieces.
me: great!!! then we can share it with everyone. hehe.

gtalk gave you many good things. one of it is it will auto delete your conversation. that's why i like to blog my conversation with him. to keep it in my repository. therefore, lately my entry full with this weird conversation between me and him.
having a fling with someone attached always have the ups and downs. i like to enjoy it to the fullest while it last. i know this is crazy but i think i'm ok with it. i like how it never promised me a thing from the beginning. just the current happiness. i learn to accept everything. learn the rules. learn the routine. learn to share his time. and as hard as i try to deny thing between us, i actually like this guy more than i like green tea and organic drinks. more than i like books in fact.

having a relationship with someone who's attached does not make you a whore. but still it makes you feel a little bit like a bitch. or a slut. or a skank. but who cares. as long as you're happy. frankly, it's like a pirate who already own a ship but still insist to invade other's ship.

quixotic englishman

he: are you happy now? with me?
me: i don't see us as an item. but i do feel happy in certain way.
he: you cannot say that you're happy without expecting me to be lovestoned by you.
me: lovestoned? are you on drugs or something?
he: this is my attempt to be romantic. give me some credit please.
me: sloppy!!!

this, somehow bring a smile to my boring weekend.

inferno

we read to know that we are alone.

and sometimes like the song said, alone does not mean lonely. but right now, i don't even know what is the different. i am so not myself lately yet i feel like i used to be this person. it's just coming back to haunt me. weird. haunted by your own self. and locked.

i think i need Kindle, or iPad, or perhaps just a nice brand new glasses. and lock myself into my red room of pain.

englishman in jesselton

he: favourite music?
me: concerto in D minor by Bach. you?
he: a lot but i like anything from Sting mostly.
me: gosh!!! you're so old.
he: and you're ancient, madame. who listen to Bach now?
me: hey!!! it gives me the lonesome mood to read.
talking about reading, need to finish this one before the holiday.
talk to you later.
he: just don't stay late. you have to work tomorrow. night, rabbit.
me: i'm not your pet.
he: you refused to be my mrs. i can pet you.
me: you are so impossible!!!

the hard one

i'm trying so hard to control everything that happened around me. i tried to control my emotion. i tried to control the consequences of my action. of every decision i made. i'm not waiting for the person anymore. i'm done. though i have no idea what my future looks like right now, one thing for sure, he is not in it. not even you. i'm tired torn between two guys who loved me so much and whom i loved so much. it just got me no where. in the end i will never choose any of them. cause i know i can't be with the one who wanted me. let alone be the one with whom i wanted. everything went wrong. nothing easy. i hummed Sunday Morning by Maroon 5 every fucking single morning in shower and while driving to work. i tried to pull myself back together. to try to love what i used to enjoy doing but it seems so impossible. deep inside me, i feel empty. i'm just a piece of meat and some saturated fat that i worked hard to get rid off. i'm soulless.

a friend once said that it is not other people who have problem. it is me. because i will never like something which run smoothly from the beginning. i prefer thing that isn't meant for me. it excites me because i knew from the beginning it's never going to work. i'm a commitment freak. i have a problem to commit myself into something real. something serious. i refused to tolerance and sacrifice myself for the sake of something beautiful. the truth is i'm not ready. and i will never be ready. cause what i've been seeking all my life is not real. it is just some illustration i put in my mind hoping that it will be real one fine day. i'm looking for someone exactly like me. i'm actually in love with  myself so much i expect to fall for someone like me. and the chances for it to happen is almost zero. not in a million years.

the golden crown that makes a man a king

God's cruellest joke on women

too bad this guy is strictly dickly

me: can't stop thinking about matt bomer's nice body, nice ass and everything. keep repeating the clip.

he: what do you usually do when you're horny?

me: nothing. maybe wearing K's shirt sometimes.

he: why? 

me: it feels like i'm in his warm embrace.

he: i should give you mine.

me: you should find me bomer instead.

royal pains

"why now? why not before?", he asked.

"because finally everyone stop trying so hard", she said.
"to be honest, i like things right now. no one knows what's going on between us. you're happy and i'm happy", she added.

"but i'm not happy right now. i'm suffering. i don't want this. i want more", he replied.

"don't. don't ruin this. i like how thing is right now. no commitment. no strings attached", she said.

"you really like this strings thingy, aren't you? one day i'm going to make sure you get tangle in it", he said.

boredom

social apps really help to connect people.

me: school bored me. texting with nj just now.
G: about?
me: hot steamy sex in cold weather. she misses jerr.
G: then?
me: nothing. macam nice. cuddle inside the blanket.
G: no. have sex under it for 2-3 hours. teori 11 minutes coelho silap. i can go further.
me: mygod!!! G baca coelho?
G: patterson, stephen kings and yada, yada, yada.
me: you never say anything before.
shit. i really wish i have hubby teaching in the same school.
G: you never ask. why?
me: mau sneak to the lab la. macam dalam Grey's Anatomy.
G: dulu ajak kawin, jual mahal.
me: you're not teaching pun. you're not even here.
G: still.
me: kalau ajak sekarang pun, the answer still be no.
not because you're married or what.
G: ya ya ya. because of H. i really wish to meet this guy.
me: tengok ja frodo.
 lapar. mau pigi kantin. kbye.

then that night i received a text from him saying "i really wish we could turn back time. i'm going to make you fall for me. hard". and it makes me thinking. a lot. i come to a conclusion. buta mata hati.

vacant

have you ever felt so empty inside until you don't even know what to ask from God in your prayer?
it's weird. the feeling is so indescribable. like you are not part of human being. that's how i feel lately. somehow it brings smile on my face. the real smile. finally to be free from things that tying you for years and years of living. it's like a huge burden being lift up from your shoulder and you can breath easily. but when you look from the other side, you'll be surprised how ugly it is actually.

perhaps i should ask for curl hair and white shirt.