i'm trying so hard to control everything that happened around me. i tried to control my emotion. i tried to control the consequences of my action. of every decision i made. i'm not waiting for the person anymore. i'm done. though i have no idea what my future looks like right now, one thing for sure, he is not in it. not even you. i'm tired torn between two guys who loved me so much and whom i loved so much. it just got me no where. in the end i will never choose any of them. cause i know i can't be with the one who wanted me. let alone be the one with whom i wanted. everything went wrong. nothing easy. i hummed Sunday Morning by Maroon 5 every fucking single morning in shower and while driving to work. i tried to pull myself back together. to try to love what i used to enjoy doing but it seems so impossible. deep inside me, i feel empty. i'm just a piece of meat and some saturated fat that i worked hard to get rid off. i'm soulless.
a friend once said that it is not other people who have problem. it is me. because i will never like something which run smoothly from the beginning. i prefer thing that isn't meant for me. it excites me because i knew from the beginning it's never going to work. i'm a commitment freak. i have a problem to commit myself into something real. something serious. i refused to tolerance and sacrifice myself for the sake of something beautiful. the truth is i'm not ready. and i will never be ready. cause what i've been seeking all my life is not real. it is just some illustration i put in my mind hoping that it will be real one fine day. i'm looking for someone exactly like me. i'm actually in love with myself so much i expect to fall for someone like me. and the chances for it to happen is almost zero. not in a million years.
