i'm not really scare about what happened on us in here lately. i mean i am scare a bit. just not that deadly scare because somehow i knew they will protect and put our safety as their priority. and that's what they do to us now. thanks you so much to our ranks of army and police officers. but we've been in this cautious mode since last week. it actually made me feel trapped. the feeling of locked in the house and unable to go out from this place is totally unbearable. i tried to keep myself positive. then two nights ago, out of the blue they blackouted my place. i was asleep at that time. but when i open my eyes, i saw darkness. i can't breath and i'm suffocated. i was claustrophobic since i was little. i start to call my housemate. luckily she's up. it took a while for me to calm down. i knew that moment i may get panic attack and it may turn ugly. then everything back to normal. i texted him telling about the incident. he was so worried and i have to calm him. then yesterday evening he called. it's been awhile since the last one. i don't usually pick up his call since i prefer our so-called textual relationship. but i feel so alone in this place, in this situation and i don't want to make him worry worse. so i picked it up after 3 missed calls. we talked for a while. he asked how was everything here and i briefed him about everything. it feels so weird at first. then i said i'm so not good in this phone call thing with the loved ones. he said it's okay. i'm not so bad for the first timer after a very long vacation. i'll get through this if i often pick up his call in the future. i laughed. i found it funny. it makes me wonder how we are going to talk in person later. i also found a bit odd about our discourse. we chose english as our first language in texting since it is more simple. during phone call, we actually speak in english and standard malay. it just makes me wonder how come we never speak in our mother tongue since both of us are fluent in it. i try to explore things slowly. learn one step at a time if i really want to make this works. i know it never easy. but the beginning is always the hardest part. we'll get through it eventually. whatever it is, we'll see how far things go from here.
yeah, i actually like this guy more than i like The Zahir by Paolo Coelho. and i seriously need glasses right now or i shall say goodbye to reading and night drive.
