euphoric

(<''''>)
( ._. ) saya tunggu
>")("<> SMS awak


tunggu..



& tunggu..



& tunggu..




tapi takde..
(>''''<)
(e ;e)<--maybe
(,)..(,) awak da lupa kan saya...

mister, this one is seriously chooo.......cute...chooo.........nice...
really make my day


p/s: u totally had me at 'hellllooo' (slang yang kau selalu buat tu)

je suis désolé

i'm busy lately with the MSSB emceeing stuff. but here i am in my room updating my blog. taking a break. busy covering up for that mister. really miss that mister a lot. haven't talk to him for three days. haven't said my nitey like i used to. and what worse, he just ignore me. never care enough to text me. blame me for being so puji minta. i know...:(

mister, i miss you a lot. like real a LOT.

please open your eyes Mr.Lanjut Usia
i'm really into you

p/s: bangang!!!

turbulence

at least, mine.

i just realize i'm having my period twice this month. no wonder i've become so sensitive lately. must be hormonal. wattafish. i haven't take any prescription. haven't take any supplement. if only mum knew my primrose finish already. i just don't want to bother dad with a lot of request when i was at home. too many things happen that time. it's kinda signal that my life going to turn to something bad later. what could be worse? i miss my parrent a lot right this moment. i love it when they are around. this gives me the reason to be completely helpless and stupid. i don't have to think or even make any decision when they are around. yeah, i know. call me baby. and you know you are worse than that. why is that so? you think you mature enough yet acting like a 7 years old.
i'm so mad at that mister and i don't know why. as if i don't know i have no right to do so. like he cares about me. like who cares about me. who cares about you, zila? wake up. it's about time.

just to add another flavour to my dying mood, fizy said last week that i'm makin tembam. and just now ana said 'baru aku perasan, kau macam makin tembam pula zila'. i miss that tembam word a lot. remind me of someone used to be mine. what is mine, now is her. awesome.

p/s: scared. i'm having a signal that i'm gonna burst into tears in the shortest time.
Ya Allah, please protect me from the eyes of demon. grant me with Your blessing. protect my surrounding. not to be forgot those two Adorable people in my life, Hj.Marsden Abden and Enit Donald Jackson.

my mum pesan via a phone call tadi petang: jangan la suka menangis lagi meng..besar sudah kan.
i cry for a reason. because i didn't get the ice cream? perhaps..

i want you to know

“You may not be her first, her last, or her only

She loved because she may love again

But if she loves you now, what else matters?

She’s not perfect – you aren’t either

and the two of you may never be perfect together

but if she can make you laugh

cause you to think twice

and admit to being human and making mistakes

hold onto her and give her the most you can

She may not be thinking about you every second of the day

but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break –her heart

So don’t hurt her

don’t change her

don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give

Smile when she makes you happy

let her know when she makes you mad

and miss her when she’s not there.”

--------BOB MARLEY

p/s: how i wish you read this...

changing your sky

let me

p/s: in a very remote feeling...:(

insanity

YOU'VE BEEN WARNED, OK!!!
p/s: cantik pula shirt nya ni...

aku mau gigit orang.
mau betul.
kepingin betul.
mengaus terus aku mau menggigit.
paling aku kepingin mau gigit lengan si pyan.
besar ni.
macam lengan bapa ku.
yan, boleh ka?
sikit ja ba.
nda juga si fizy marah tu.
boleh la ba yan....
kesian la sama si zila ni.
macam-macam ja di kepingin nya dari semalam.
paling kesian, dia mau ice cream dari that mister.
tapi semalam si sir busy.
sampai sekarang ni lagi aku mengaus ice nya.
biar pun semalam habis satu bekas aku makan mint ice cream yang kita beli kemarin dulu tu.
tadi pagi lagi makan trophy ice cream yang kau beli untuk fizy.
tadi tengah hari drumstick tu pun nda dapat juga release keinginan ku ni.
mau juga ice cream yang dia bagi.
sedap ni.
lain rasa nya.
nda tau rasa apa.
kalau malam ni dia nda bagi juga, kecik betul-betul la hati ku ni sama dia.
serius.
merajuk aku ni.
merajuk yang nda bole di pujuk dengan makanan.
mister, aku mau juga ice cream dari kau...
:(
aku mau.
aku mau.
aku mau ba.

p/s: bole ka aku gigit lengan mu, mister?

***sekarang ni pun aku tengah mengisi mulut ku sama kuih lidah yang banyak susu sama gula nya. supaya hilang kepingin ku makan benda manis. bosan aku makan coklat terus. semua rasa nda sedap kalau makanan ku sendiri.

self-monologue: macam gemuk sudah aku ba. rasa berat badan ku ni. kalau pakai heel pun di sekolah, macam start sudah sakit spine ku. paha sama ass ku pun macam rasa keras sama ketat ni. risau pula aku. ada ka kegemukan melanda diri ku kembali? berapa berat ku sekarang ni ahh? bagus ikut suggestion si ana yang ajak aku bejogging kalau weekend. tapi weekend ni nda dapat. macam mau ke atas. buat lawatan rasmi.

silky sulk

last night talking about PMS and today..............

craving for this....
tong hing pindah la ba d Kota Kinabatangan. KK juga pun cni ni....
:(

mister, aku mau ini........................................

p/s: gonna be a loooooooonnnnnnnggggg sulky period.....:(

should do a new label...PMS.

the next best thing =p

aisyah supposed to do Ayat-Ayat Cinta 2..but don't know how Enchek Fandi tersilap buat Ketika Cinta Bertasbih 3

***btw, aku nda makan bakso cinta. merapu ja semua tu...;)

this sweet thing is created by my beloved childhood friend. credit to Enchek Fandi. ok nanti hari raya bole datang rumah claim duit raya dengan bapa ku. ya mister, aku satu orang ja ada bapa. dan aku satu orang juga ada kawan paling sweet macam Enchek Fandi. kau ada? teda kan..=p
seriously, i don't look like a girl from the middle east. because i'm caucasian. bukan German. orang German kurang cantik. kurang baik hati. kurang sifat terpuji. kalau Ausralian, semua nya baik-baik belaka. cantik-cantik belaka. makan hati la kau sendiri baca entry perasan ku ni ya mister. IF YOU EVER READ THIS.
aku makan guna tangan juga. aku cuci pinggan pakai tangan juga. kuku aku sentiasa pendek sudah pun.

p/s: yusri alfian, don't talk to me on Monday if you're having a blast with Faizal and Joild last night. i'm seriously jealous.

to whom it may concern

for the future...whoever you are, i would like you to be prepared...

when i'm on my PMS, i would like you to:
1. get me a bar of chocolate.
2. ice cream. start from that day, i'm in love with raspberry.
3. do not stay away from me. i ask you to cuddle me. you know what heat can bring me.
4. don't speak a word to me. just stay by my side so i know you were always there for me.
5. never say NO to me on that time cause you'll know what you're going to face later.
6. a glass of hot chocolate perhaps.
7. be patient.


p/s: i'm sorry if i ask a lot. it's only 7. not 70.

struck

aku mahu lelaki yang baik untuk jadi kan aku perempuan yang baik
-zila marsden

p/s: ya, aku sorang ja yang ada bapa...

the result

he: sedap giler!!!!!!!!!!!!
me: serius?
he: seriusly...sedap sangat-sangat. berbaloi aku tunggu...memang sedap!!
me: jadi lepas ni boleh la sudah kau pinang aku tu.
he: .......................................................................

yang tak tahan, before sleep;

he: i wanna dream beef.
me: dream the cooker oso. compulsory!!!



p/s: COWARD!!!



***suddenly teremind my old friend yang pakai perfume ni dulu...sorry i lost your perfume casing masa aku gedik jadi kan casing kau ni as my pencil case. and another sorry, perfume ni teda lagi di Malaysia...sila nangis sendiri-sendiri ok. kau hidup lagi? lama nda dengar berita mu. ada balik Borneo?

malam-malam mengidam mint ice cream, apa kes?

crave

i'm craving for black pepper beef lately. but i know i won't get any here. i decided to cook. i repeat COOKING. hahaha...

mister, u going to have a very late dinner tonight. and please don't say anything if it wasn't that good. this is my first attempt. it's time for you to fall for me ok..woot and wink..;)

p/s: i'm not in a very good mood lately. don't know why. PMS? jauh sekali....must be hormonal...bangang..

blessed and granted

got my first paycheck today. kaching!!!
blur sendiri terus. everyone keep talking what they gonna do with the money. first paying debt. then buy this and that.
me? i have no debt. yippee....but still not sure want to buy what.
biar ja la dulu. pandai juga di atur tu nanti.
one thing for sure, need to learn how to manage my own money. dad no longer gonna support me like he used to do. or else, what's the point of me working if i still asking money from him.
i need some guidance. halizah hamzah, stay away from me. kau tu setan yang menghasut aku turun p kK.
tapi kakak Mango ada call last week. ada new stuff kata nya. apa ka? cantik ka? perlu ka? macam tau-tau ja dia mau gaji...

kaching!!! kaching!!!

temptation

an offer a girl can't resist
huhu

p/s: i heart saving

cute punya reason

kenapa cakap aku sakit dengan kawan tu? sendiri tau aku nda sakit. then cakap masak sebab aku sakit. sejak bila la aku sakit ni? what worse cakap aku mengada-ngada sebab kawan tu tengok aku sihat walafiat ja kemarin. apa salah nya terus terang? used to play hot and cold kan. boring sudah. now want to play hide and seek? lagi siok kali. ka kau suka aku sakit terus ni? jadi boleh kau melayan kerenah puji minta terus aku ni...

let's play hide and seek when i'm sick..best tu..seriously..

mister, my sulking mode is ON...figure out yourself.

mealing...mailing

btw, bubur daging tadi tu sedap. sedap sekali. sedap dua kali. tiga kali. bekali-kali. seriously. but the core question is, why the meal is always for me only when you know there are three of us?
or you don't expect that i eat a lot?


p/s: kalo in a sulking mood everyday mesti best kan? sebab whenever i'm not in the mood, you always cook something. suratan atau kebetulan?

***obvious sangat budak ni teda kerja...mau 3 entry dalam satu malam d buat nya...

bliss feet

i'll never have to worry what he will think about my desire to go barefoot all the time. similarly, he won't have to explain why keeping socks in the refrigerator.
sweet right? just what i'm looking for. we do our own business when only God knows what we do feel inside. transparently illegal. the signal? penetrately comprehended.

barefoot and socks...what a combination..

lingua

sayang sarawak sungai nya sempit

apa ka

i want it rain like cat and dog. we're not in the monsoon season, dear. besides, it's gonna be cold night. i don't have heater to keep me warmer.

best kan?

mister, ur ayat totally semacam ja lately...

p/s: just don't get me wrong..can you?
: i can't. told you i'm tongue-tied whenever you around..

shit again

i used to think my life was a real shit. now i'm feeling shit again. real shitty. what do i really need? a bowl of raspberry ice cream with almond hershey kisses and a real long linger kiss...........
mister...aku mau...:(

aik? nda kan la PMS lagi...awal juga ni.

circus

feeling so down right now. blame fizy. she suddenly said..'mungkin dia saja ja buat begitu sebab mau cover benda. bukan orang lain tau pun yang dorang dua texting. lain la hal mu tadi'. crap!!! sadly sad..kunun..

yes. i'm so tambirang now at school. so what? you too tambirang. what do you expect from me? tegur kau dulu? malar la aku yang bawa kau becakap dulu. i'm a girl. biar pun aku lalola. you should be the first to say hello to me. even just a simple hi. mister, i cannot talk to you. don't know why. cat got my tongue. i'm trembling. you deep think about this, can ka?

p/s: apa juga yang kau rasa sebenar nya?
do you really read this?

NILAM

i'm having a NILAM session for the first ime with my form 2 students. i used to thought what kind of book they have here in the school library. i keep worried there's no English book for my students to read. i'm so amazed the first time i saw the book in the front shelf. it's full of English book and it's full with my favorite author's book. they have like more than 5 collection of Enid Blyton. the series of Nancy Drew. the literature section full of Jane Austen work. i'm totally feels like i'm back to my high school years. drooling.....i even borrowed the Pride and Prejudice for my own reading. i forgot already about my Mr.Darcy. wondering if they have SVH collection and the Princess Diaries. this place isn't bad after all. when i have nobody to talk to, i can simply isolating myself here in the library. treasure. i just miss reading. i miss it a lot. i don't buy any book since January. let alone any magazine. wishing we have Harris and Popular here in Kinabatangan. i miss spending hundreds over book. then feeling less guilty if i need to ask more pocket money from dad. i miss me. i know start from now i no longer can ask money from dad for we're going to receive our first pay check this coming Thursday. yippee....it's pay back time for what they have given me for the rest of my life. like that mister said to me the other day..'nanti turn kau pula membayar budi dorang'..;)

see my keterujaan face
btw, i start to like wearing this cotton baju kurung. feels like baju kurung dulu-dulu time kecik yang selalu pakai pigi kelas mengaji time maghrib. my purse gonna cry la after this. that japanese cotton cost rm120 for 4 meters and this one is the cheaper. rm19 per meter.
:)

p/s: yang mana juga?
: yang itu ba...ko tau juga tu yang mana..

spitting my heart

macam pyan cakap dengan aku hari tu time di rumah...benda bukan masalah dengan dia pun atau siapa pun, zila. kau yang nda buka hati mu sepenuh nya. betul ka? betul ka aku nda buka hati ku? betul ka semua nya datang dari aku? i've been hurt before. what do you expect from me? aku takut kalau aku serius gila, that mister end up asking my hand for marriage in this shorter time. seriously. i know myself very well. i know what i want and i know what i'm supposed to do. i know what i'm capable of doing. see...aku ni ada perasaan ka tidak? ada rasa nya. aku rasa benda dengan that mister tu. yan, aku rasa something dengan dia. fizy pun tau itu. something special. that's why i can't talk to him. he makes me nervous. makes me shiver. makes me trembling. see..how big is that impact? i'll ruin once again if anything ever happen. i'm tired with all those feeling. penat. sick and tired. kau ingat senang ka mau recover. yan, aku rasa aku sudah cerita dengan kau hal past ku tu kan. apa jadi dengan aku. sepa yang support aku lepas tu. nda kan la aku mau bapa ku facing the same problem again and again. aku pun nda mau itu yang jadi. kalau ending nya i'll be alone until 28 pun, seriously i'll ask my dad to make that special call ja la. that's my last resort. aku mau dengan that mister. mau betul. mau apa? mau dia mengimam kan solat ku. mau dia jadi yang halal untuk aku. but thing is too early i guess. bapa ku pun macam suka dengan that mister biar pun nda jumpa lagi. aku kenal betul bapa ku. rasa nya kali ni dia serius suka dengan pilihan ku. pilihan ku? pilihan nya macam mana?

p/s: self-monologue ku yang konon-konon becakap sama si pyan. nda cukup becakap di sekolah, di fon lagi, di sini pun mau becakap sama si pyan juga...yan, nasib kau selalu ada untuk aku. kalo nda, paling sunyi sudah bukit garam ni aku rasa. aku janji selalu ada untuk kau, biar pun kita masing-masing sudah belong to someone later.

i.t.c.h.y

pagi-pagi sudah kepingin begini. macam yang si aza tag aku dalam muka buku nya. ubat gatal-gatal untuk aku. hahaha...

seriously, this moment is so damn beautiful...
when is my turn to lay on the grass with someone i belong?
:(

9 days sum up in 1

1. she's his truthfully
ramai orang kawin this school break. my cousin Zurinah Ronsen and Iqram Pengson. my very bff Halizah Hamzah. congrats you guys. Zufrey, can i borrow your wife for girl night out some time? jangan juga di kurung terus bini itu. okey soalan cliche masa menghadiri wedding reception manusia-manusia di atas:
a. zila, kau bila lagi?
b. zila, nasi minyak mu lagi yang belum kami rasa ni...bila lagi tu kunun?
c. zila, napa muka mu? kau bekas chicken pox ka?

frankly speak, i don't have any answer for all your question k. i can only said: be patient. the time will come when it comes ya. me myself still blur. it's not like i never thought of it. it's just i have no one. like my aunt said this morning, it will come to you without knocking. aunty Barian Elley, i heart you so much for understand. but don't you think i'm too young to get married? seriously, any guy, any random guy, you should see me talking to my dad, then you'll think twice about marrying me. haha...mister, what do you think? yan, apa kau rasa? kau sudah lepak sama aku dengan bapa ku kajap kan hari tu di LD. tapi yan, jangan kau bising hal yang aku sengaja kasi tinggal purse dalam kereta aah..=p
nda tau juga aku. but i learnt to cook. now i know how to cook roasted meat and that mister's fav, masak lemak nangka. biar pun my mum keep complain kurang pedas. then i move one step further then..;)
getting married is totally a big deal. especially to a girl like me. there's a lot of things need to be considered. people tying their knot maybe because they mentally and physically ready. if you ask me, i said i'm ready physically. but mentally, pity the groom then. there's a lot of things still need to be learn by me. terutama sekali bab masak air. but i promise i learn. i learn until i know. until comprehended. until understood. until you say yes. but can i have my girl's night? can i still sleep with my parrents? can i run to my dad whenever you treat me badly? lot of question. a lot of answers need to be seek. a lot of time. yup. still have a lot of time until i'm 30. mati la juga kalo 30 belum kawin lagi. ingat pula cakap si thashia dulu time first sem di U. 'aku heret muka mu di jalan raya tu zila kalo sampai final sem kau teda bf juga'...hahaha..sekarang ni seeking for my own guy. and now i start questioning myself: zila, when is your turn???

wish both of you a happy wedded life ya zufrey and liza...:)

ok, this girl is still available..pandai isi minyak dia ni..what more could you ask for?
feel free to contact my bapa ya...
;)

2. i lost my strength
my mum. i told you she was sick. she's having hypo. i'm losing myself when my mum suddenly fainted on Wednesday's evening and we have to take her to the hospital. she's been hospitalized for three days. they put her in the communal. the place she not used to. it's totally caught my heart when my mum asking 'meng, napa bapa simpan mama sini? dia teda duit ka mau kasi tidur mama di 1st class room? kalo teda, meng pulang sana ambil duit mama di ******'. and i have no answer for her question. i called Dr.Farah to answer for me. she told my mum that the room has been booked. yes. the room is being booked by aunty who sleep at the 09 bed. the weird thing is until my mum has been discharge on friday evening, nobody stay in the 1st class room. actually, the nurses is too lazy to go checking the patient in the 1st class room as it is located at the end of the ward. but it still unfair. that's their job. why they giving this problem to us as a customer? and i have to fight for my mum's comfy starting with the nurse and the doctor. the next day, the fight was still continued. but with the EVIL sister. she said they have a new policy in the hospital. sister, i tell you what, your new policy is SUCKS!!! menyusah kan orang, tau ka? bangang betul. like the aunty in 09 bed said 'ntah ape2 ntah'..
what's the good thing staying in the communal? mum has a new friend. the 09 bed aunty. she's turn out to be the mother of my mum's gyno Dr.Anina. she such a sweet sweet old fella. she's from kL. she and mum sharing lot of story i guess as they spent lot of time together. i have to stay at the hotel to take some rest as i'm not being allowed to take care of my mum during the day. i can only stay at the hospital during night. yes. satu lagi policy bangang Hospital Tawau. pesakit tidak di benar kan untuk di jaga di siang hari. betul-betul bodoh. kalau nurse tu tolong jaga macam me jaga mama, nda apa juga. ini tidak. my mum tidak di beri minum selama setengah hari until i come on the noon. bangang punya orang. kalau ada mana-mana manusia yang mungkin ada link dengan Pengarah hospital, tolong la suruh tukar policy baru yang banyak menyusah kan ni ya.

yes. that's how i spent my 9 days school break. pity me. lagi sedih bila mama cakap dengan aunty 09 bed tu..kesian anak saya tepaksa bercuti di hospital jaga saya. mum, i'll do anything for you. seriously. and now here i am in salt hill updating my blog, checking my facebook as i left my broadband here. telupa mau bawa pulang hari tu. jadi, seminggu la si zila nda online...nvm..:)

goodbye comfy bed, welcome mattress bed..
kind of used to tidur di lantai
;)

satu lagi, si zila belajar pakai purdah. that mister keep asking me to wear purdah. this one is specially dedicated to him.
;)

p/s: once again i pray: Ya Allah, let me be what i'm supposed to be before You grant me with Your hardest trial.
p/s to that mister: i know you miss me.

sot

trying to comprehend the startleness of those estupida...sweet kan? but still uncomprehending...
i can't say i wont give a fuck anymore because i always do. because i always care too much about people and yes!!! because i've always have this unrealistic hope that somehow maybe, just maybe, people would give back some bit of kindness that i gave them.





mister, jom...

today

kau kenapa?
jangan la gitu ba...
tengok..tecer dah senyum..


p/s: aku bukan senyum dengan kau...

heart this to a single bit

Promise I'll be kind
But I won't stop until that boy is mine
Baby you'll be famous
Chase you down until you love me
Papa-paparazzi
;p

penat dengan kerenah manusia

shallow mind=stupidesque idiotique

some people here shattered my feelings. the eldest and the youngster. just like i promise you. I WON'T FRY YOUR HEAD IF YOU WON'T POACH MY HEART. and what now? that little person totally make me sick. i don't hate this place. in fact i start to like it. like i said. i start to like it. what you do to me, totally uncool and immature. stupid little fella who find their life so boring and so damn jealous with my super duper coolest life. i don't know what to say. frankly speak, i'm quite disappointed with this thingy. this has showed how shallow your mind is. and i don't think, you worth to be called TEACHER. i know teacher is human too. but i'm sure you know better what teachers are. what they do. how people look up on them. but with this kind of attitude, i think you should learn about life and how to respect others especially HOW TO DEAL A PERSON LIKE ME WHO I THINK NEVER GIVE A DAMN CARE OF WHAT YOU ARE YET YOU'RE SO FOND OF BUTTHEADING MY LIFE. just to make things clear, once again i said: I'M STILL NEW HERE. I'M IN MY LEARNING PROCESS. I LEARN TO ADAPT. ADJUSTING MYSELF IN THIS NEW ENVIRONMENT. DON'T MAKE IT HARD FOR ME IF YOU DON'T WANT ANYTHING HARDER IN YOURS.
DO HAVE SOME MERCY TO A PEOPLE LIKE ME.
ENOUGH. I SAID ENOUGH.

see...my fragile heart is protected...:)

p/s: if you think you've shaken me biatch, think twice. you make me stronger then ever. cause i already build a shield to protect my fragile porcelain little heart from YOU kind of people.

stop minta puji please...

hairan kenapa ada manusia SIAL yang sangat suka mengingau mengabut hidup saya di sini. rasa nya dia belum kenal lagi dengan saya. dia cuba-cuba mau bekenalan dengan cara yang paling baik. hei SIAL, nama saya zila marsden. saya gedik dan manja. suka begaul dengan budak lelaki. suka pakai sexy. suka kan kontroversi. dan rasa nya perlu di akui saya jauh lebih cantik dari kau. sila-sila la lawati muka buku saya dan tolong sebar kan cerita saya pada pihak berwajib supaya saya sekali lagi di panggil di bilik itu. saya tak marah. cuma hairan kenapa ada lagi manusia spesis kau yang suka menjaga tepi kain orang dan mengadu menyebar kan cerita yang boleh menimbulkan pertelingkahan. apa salah saya dengan kau. saya ada hutang duit ka dengan kau atau pernah minta nasi sejuk kau? kesian kan la saya yang baru belajar untuk hidup sendiri. janganlah cuba merosak kan hidup baru saya di sini. saya tidak kenal pun kau then kau non-stoppingly becakap pasal saya sejak january lepas. pity you, SIAL. tiada kerja agak nya manusia ini. maaf, saya memanggil kau SIAL kerana tidak tahu apakah jantina sebenar kau yet your gaya so SIAL. apa salah saya SIAL? saya rasa nya pernah berkata saya budak baru belajar. kalau salah tolong tegur. bukan dengan memberi aduan-aduan bodoh seperti yang kau buat. tetapi dengan berhubung terus kepada saya. saya buat apa dengan muka buku saya, post gambar apa pun, berdialog dengan siapa pun, rasa nya tiada perkaitan dengan kau. sebahagian nya adalah kisah lampau saya atau lebih di kenali dengan past tense saya. kenapa perkara sebegini harus diisu kan kepada pihak berwajib? saya pakai baju singkat, ketat, sendat, melekat dan meliut pun menjadi masalah bagi kau. kenapa? kau syirik tidak punya keHOTan seperti saya? saya bergaul dengan budak lelaki mendatang kan masalah dengan kau kah? rasa nya saya membatas kan pergaulan saya terhadap lelaki bujang sahaja. saya berbicara dengan lelaki berstatus suami orang hanya atas alasan kerja. atau mungkin kah kau menyimpan perasaan pada mana-mana lelaki bujang yang menjadi teman-teman saya? kalau ada kata kan lah. mungkin saya mampu menjadi orang tengah nya. atau jika kau lelaki, kau marah saya tidak bergaul dengan kau secara akrab. come on la. grow up. kau mungkin boleh approach saya secara terang-terangan. tidak perlu kau membuat taik seperti sekarang menyebab kan saya menjadi gerigitan dengan manusia seperti kau. minta maaf. saya terlupa mungkin kau bersifat kampungan dan kolot. suka dengar cakap budak 14 tahun tentang saya dan mengadu. rasa nya saya kenal siapa kau, SIAL. saya minta seperkara sahaja. hentikanlah. jangan biar saya bereaksi sesuatu yang rasa nya kau mahu pun orang lain tidak mahu. saya belak dengan mausia seperti kau. kau bukan orang pertama yang bersifat SIAL begini terhadap saya. cuma agak terkilan kenapa perkara bodoh seperti ini masih saya hadapi di alam kerjaya sedang kan kau mungkin lebih tua dari saya. kau tolong lah guna otak kau untuk fikir benda yang berfaedah untuk anak bangsa daripada spend masa kau buat homework stay updated tentang hidup saya. minta maaf sekali lagi.

***saya tidak mungkin mengubah apa-apa tentang diri saya hanya untuk please kan hati sesiapa kerana ini lah diri saya sebenar nya. take it or leave it.

p/s: saya juga manusia biasa yang punya sensitiviti yang tinggi...i call my dad later. boleh lah tolong settel kan perkara ini bersama nya. atau mungkin boleh memanggil ke talian nya terus untuk bercakap tentang kerenah anak gadis nya di perantauan. jangan pernah menunding jari kepada orang tua saya mengata kan mereka tidak tahu mendidik anak kerana jika dibanding kan kau dengan saya, saya jauh lebih baik didikan nya. dan kau pasti tahu itu. kenapa? kau kan update hidup saya terus-terusan. pasti kau cukup mengenali keluarga saya.

another p/s: kalau kau baca entry ini (mungkin kau baca), rasa marah, panas, mau hantak saya dengan batu, mau menampar saya, jangan segan silu. sila berjumpa saya terus. saya bersedia untuk di hantak, di tampar dan di maki kerana rasa nya saya tidak bersalah.

SEKALI LAGI SAYA ULANGI. SAYA BUDAK BARU BELAJAR. KALAU SALAH TOLONG TUNJUK KAN DAN TEGUR DIRECT KEPADA SAYA. BUKAN MENGADU DENGAN PIHAK BERWAJIB ATAU MENJAJAH CERITA TENTANG SAYA MERATA TEMPAT. HARAP MAKLUM.

mister, thank you so much for that wisdom words this evening. i think other than yan, you know me best.

mental disorder

i think i'm in love again!!!!! wattafish...





with


katy perry yang sundal

sweet kan perempuan ni...tapi lagi sweet bila dating Russel Brand...SYAL!!!

blame that little mister because now i'm thinking of becoming a lesbo....:P

force of nature

I'VE BEEN FORCE TO DO TESL
I'VE BEEN FORCE TO TEACH
I'VE BEEN SPENDING MY DAYS THINKING 'WHAT SHOULD I TEACH MY KIDDOS TOMORROW'
AND NOW I DON'T KNOW WHO SHOULD I BLAME!!!!
HOW SWEET AM I
:)

p/s: mister, you should help me...because you are TEACHER too...:p

annoying me!!!

yes..prepare to be annoyed!!!

yup i have a 'mouth on foot' syndrome where i used to speak up my mind without thinking about others feeling. sometimes i did it purposely, sometimes i don't. mau makan kasut ni anak ni. but when yusri suddenly said 'kecik hati ku sama kau zila' at in-house literature meeting this morning, i suddenly feel weird. i don't know why. perhaps he is the first person who ever claim me being such an arsehole. yus, that biatch word is just slip of the tongue. never meant that way when we talk about tuuuuuuuuuuuuut. and i keep saying sorry and he goes like 'what's the point of saying sorry if you'll do it again and again later'. yup. that's me. i say sorry now the next thing you know, i do it again. i tend to forget. like right now, biatch..=p
but i never thought yusri is having such a fragile heart. i know he is the 'soft-spoken' person. kalo becakap dengan dia soal hati dan perasaan, macam becakap dalam kelambu. (mister, you don't have to worry, ok. me and yusri are just friend. he is like another version of me. you still the one i heart..;p)
when he suddenly upset just because of that simply LITTLEST THING i do, i think i really need some changes. from now on, i'll pay more attention to others. i'll stop talking bad thing. i'll stop cursing. i put you close to my heart, yus. if that makes you happy, then i'll be happier to less those stupid things i used to say. crossing finger...=p
mister, what do you think of me?
i feel annoyed with my surrounding lately. i know it's because of the PMS. but i'm not someone who let PMS control me. i don't know why out of sudden i feel really annoyed. i'm annoyed with even the simplest thing people can imagine like why my hair doesn't look like katie holmes bob anymore when i know very well it's getting longer. i'm annoyed because i'm running out of my shower foam when i know i still have a bottle of it in room. i'm annoyed because i don't want to talk to mum for i'm running away from the Adam's talk. i'm annoyed to my dad because i don't know why. i'm annoyed because i cannot sleep for i already have not just a nap, but a very long sleep before. i'm annoyed because i don't read that much right now and i don't speak English anymore and i think i start losing my English. see...crap kn my English right now. macam bukan budak TESL ja. i'm annoyed because i don't know what to teach my students. i'm annoyed and tired of pretending that i heart teaching a lot when i know very well i didn't applied anything i've learnt from all my fellow lecturers in UMS. i'm annoyed because i know i'm flunk of becoming English teacher. i'm just annoyed. somebody please help this super massive annoying princess. Miss Aida, i think i need you right now.

p/s: i hate my English and so did everyone..:(

i'm so damn BUSTED!!!!
:|

p/s: no comment....

clueless games

what do i feel about you
how do you feel about me
give me a hint please
i'm tired
:(

let's pict talk about my day....=(

annoyed!!!

p/s: PMS sucks!!!

sick

napa aku ja yang balik2 sakit di sini ni? in almost 3 months here, dua kali sudah aku sakit. ana sekali and fizy, none. nda pernah dia sakit. sudah nya tu, sakit yang merapu. 1st dulu jangkitan kuman melalui air yang nda bersih. then yesterday doctor cakap food poisoned. pada hal sama ja apa yang kami makan. maybe my immune system is so weak. last night on phone with my mum, kena nag lagi. she said i don't know how to take care of myself.
mum: sudah sedia tau meng lahir nda cukup bulan, nda boleh telampau panas, nda boleh telampau sejuk. badan jadi lemah. pandai-pandai la ba jaga diri nak. bukan ada mama sana yang menjaga. besar juga sudah meng kan.
me: ya la ba. sudah la tu.
i tend to forget that i've been FORCE to be born. pity mum kalo teringat kejadian itu. Enit Donald Jackson, i love you more for that. but cut that crita Adam out for our next conversation ya. i'm tired. kalo ada, pandai juga saya bawa ke rumah untuk di kenal kan. masalah nya, i have no one mum. i'm not ready. dapat MC for 2 days. awesome kan?
yusri alfian, aku masih marah dengan kau ya. what you said in the car yesterday, totally uncool. and it hurts a lot. and the rest of the day between us, sucks!!! and you don't even know how much it hurts me. not just the hurting part, but i think you supposed to figure out yourself the rules of friendship. how i put my friend close to my heart. i never ask more. i just want you to do the same thing as i do. crap. what's the point talking about you here. you don't even read this..=(

p/s: why suddenly i've become so emo? PMS or because i'm sick?

0303

happy birthday big dady!!!!
Hj.Marsden Abden, i heart you a lot.
i promise i listen to you ok.
i promise nda tgl sembayang. (cekuali saya malas ya pa)
i promise i be a good girl to you.
i promise a lot of good things come from me from now on.

zila+marsden=zila marsden

mau marah sdh c bapa d cni ni sbb aku byk ja mau nya....
mister, hensem kn bapa ku?
;D

p/s: kau nda mau wish big dady ku ka?

i sing my heart out about feb

haven't write for quite long time. been busy with school stuff. hari kejohanan smkbg was held last week for three days in a row. i end up look like anak hindu. tired but still one of the bestss. i once again admit that i start to like this place. in fact i already like this place. i don't mind teaching in this place for another three years ahead. why? don't ask why now. i still don't know the answer. hope mum would give her full support to this new things inside of me and stop asking me to ask for transfer. and dad please stop asking your brother to transfer me back to tawau. i like it here. i like it a lot. doesn't matter if i'm like 'org patah kaki' with no car. no place to go. doesn't matter anymore whether you buy me a car or not. dad, i'm sure you know how i feel about 'the car buying thing' and i'm sure you know that i'm in my sulky mood for quite a long time. right from the moment when you said 'meng, nda bole lagi saya kasi kuar keta utk meng sebab my name already being used for kak lin's'. i never thought it would end up damn hurt. dad, you should know better. but never mind. i'm growing up dad!!
back to the school sports day, yes! my rumah sukan and faizal is the last one. congrats to joild and voo's rumah sukan for becoming the champ. school sports day is not bad at all. i just realize it..=p
weekend, me and fizzy going to lahad datu. awesome night. i think from the moment we met, i mean me, yus, fizzy, juna and cia..we never stop asking each other 'kau kenal ka si...'. i guess we shared a lot of same friends. what a small small world. after all we all come from almost the same place. going to Cinta at night. sing my heart out. trying to forget everything when in fact i don't know what to forget. what's forgotten. i like the new me. should thanking my dad for giving me the second chance last year. i should thankful for what i have now. doesn't matter with or without ADAM. and should ask mum to stop asking me about ADAM things. should stop her asking about yusri. don't know why mum likes my own bff. mum, trust me, you don't want another version of me to be your menantu. kalo kawin dengan dia, nda beasap la dapur kami tu. sama ja ma dia dengan aku. paling sama belanja nya ma. plus, i don't have that kind of feeling to him. i want someone else. cause i think that person already start touching my heart with his gaya yang betebiat kuat minta puji and sometimes minta maki. it's been a long time since someone make me feel that way. who is he? learn to be patient k. i myself still in a blurry mode. i think i need a spectacle..=p
hey mister, do you like me or not?
last night asking him 'kau pena ka rasa sunyi betul dengan hidup mu'..then he answer 'mau dua tahun sdh aku kesunyian'...well, looks like we're in the same boat. so what are you waitig for? hahaha...i don't think he likes me that way or i'm still not sure what do i really feel about him. i'm tired. i'm scared. of hurt. can ka becinta after we tie the knot? do you ever put in your beautiful mind about marrying someone you just met? pena ka mister? let's give it a try. what say you? tying the knot?! orang mulau pun nda buat begitu kali.
how do i feel about you? and mostly what do you think of me? should i ask you personally? will you answering that kind of question if i ever ever ask you? or you just put your unconscious mode again and again like you used to then out of the blue appear again. sweet damn Lord, give me a hint please so at least i see a light at the end of the tunnel.

p/s: sunyi kan sekarang ni?