quixotic englishman

he: are you happy now? with me?
me: i don't see us as an item. but i do feel happy in certain way.
he: you cannot say that you're happy without expecting me to be lovestoned by you.
me: lovestoned? are you on drugs or something?
he: this is my attempt to be romantic. give me some credit please.
me: sloppy!!!

this, somehow bring a smile to my boring weekend.

inferno

we read to know that we are alone.

and sometimes like the song said, alone does not mean lonely. but right now, i don't even know what is the different. i am so not myself lately yet i feel like i used to be this person. it's just coming back to haunt me. weird. haunted by your own self. and locked.

i think i need Kindle, or iPad, or perhaps just a nice brand new glasses. and lock myself into my red room of pain.

englishman in jesselton

he: favourite music?
me: concerto in D minor by Bach. you?
he: a lot but i like anything from Sting mostly.
me: gosh!!! you're so old.
he: and you're ancient, madame. who listen to Bach now?
me: hey!!! it gives me the lonesome mood to read.
talking about reading, need to finish this one before the holiday.
talk to you later.
he: just don't stay late. you have to work tomorrow. night, rabbit.
me: i'm not your pet.
he: you refused to be my mrs. i can pet you.
me: you are so impossible!!!

the hard one

i'm trying so hard to control everything that happened around me. i tried to control my emotion. i tried to control the consequences of my action. of every decision i made. i'm not waiting for the person anymore. i'm done. though i have no idea what my future looks like right now, one thing for sure, he is not in it. not even you. i'm tired torn between two guys who loved me so much and whom i loved so much. it just got me no where. in the end i will never choose any of them. cause i know i can't be with the one who wanted me. let alone be the one with whom i wanted. everything went wrong. nothing easy. i hummed Sunday Morning by Maroon 5 every fucking single morning in shower and while driving to work. i tried to pull myself back together. to try to love what i used to enjoy doing but it seems so impossible. deep inside me, i feel empty. i'm just a piece of meat and some saturated fat that i worked hard to get rid off. i'm soulless.

a friend once said that it is not other people who have problem. it is me. because i will never like something which run smoothly from the beginning. i prefer thing that isn't meant for me. it excites me because i knew from the beginning it's never going to work. i'm a commitment freak. i have a problem to commit myself into something real. something serious. i refused to tolerance and sacrifice myself for the sake of something beautiful. the truth is i'm not ready. and i will never be ready. cause what i've been seeking all my life is not real. it is just some illustration i put in my mind hoping that it will be real one fine day. i'm looking for someone exactly like me. i'm actually in love with  myself so much i expect to fall for someone like me. and the chances for it to happen is almost zero. not in a million years.

the golden crown that makes a man a king

God's cruellest joke on women

too bad this guy is strictly dickly

me: can't stop thinking about matt bomer's nice body, nice ass and everything. keep repeating the clip.

he: what do you usually do when you're horny?

me: nothing. maybe wearing K's shirt sometimes.

he: why? 

me: it feels like i'm in his warm embrace.

he: i should give you mine.

me: you should find me bomer instead.

royal pains

"why now? why not before?", he asked.

"because finally everyone stop trying so hard", she said.
"to be honest, i like things right now. no one knows what's going on between us. you're happy and i'm happy", she added.

"but i'm not happy right now. i'm suffering. i don't want this. i want more", he replied.

"don't. don't ruin this. i like how thing is right now. no commitment. no strings attached", she said.

"you really like this strings thingy, aren't you? one day i'm going to make sure you get tangle in it", he said.

boredom

social apps really help to connect people.

me: school bored me. texting with nj just now.
G: about?
me: hot steamy sex in cold weather. she misses jerr.
G: then?
me: nothing. macam nice. cuddle inside the blanket.
G: no. have sex under it for 2-3 hours. teori 11 minutes coelho silap. i can go further.
me: mygod!!! G baca coelho?
G: patterson, stephen kings and yada, yada, yada.
me: you never say anything before.
shit. i really wish i have hubby teaching in the same school.
G: you never ask. why?
me: mau sneak to the lab la. macam dalam Grey's Anatomy.
G: dulu ajak kawin, jual mahal.
me: you're not teaching pun. you're not even here.
G: still.
me: kalau ajak sekarang pun, the answer still be no.
not because you're married or what.
G: ya ya ya. because of H. i really wish to meet this guy.
me: tengok ja frodo.
 lapar. mau pigi kantin. kbye.

then that night i received a text from him saying "i really wish we could turn back time. i'm going to make you fall for me. hard". and it makes me thinking. a lot. i come to a conclusion. buta mata hati.

vacant

have you ever felt so empty inside until you don't even know what to ask from God in your prayer?
it's weird. the feeling is so indescribable. like you are not part of human being. that's how i feel lately. somehow it brings smile on my face. the real smile. finally to be free from things that tying you for years and years of living. it's like a huge burden being lift up from your shoulder and you can breath easily. but when you look from the other side, you'll be surprised how ugly it is actually.

perhaps i should ask for curl hair and white shirt.

home

it feels like only yesterday i reached home for the school holiday. now, i'm going back to bukit garam tomorrow. i wish i could extend my stay here. i'm so not in the mood to go to that place. just the thought of work make me sick to death. in fact, i am sick right now. totally not cool.
looking back to all the things i did during the hols, not much actually. i spent time hovering myself at home. went out only when it's really necessary. i've become the potato couch. well, minus the potato off course. i'm not really a chips eater. accompanied by a litres of plain water and healthy cookies. i watched almost everything on tv. what i do realize is my family is not a big fan of drama or movie. they prefer something serious like nat geo channel, documentary or cooking show. while i like to drown myself into hopeless melodramatic movie. am i adopted?
i also finished reading tons of books. surprisingly i can read book and watch tv at the same time. read bibliography from some tortured princess. cried. learnt. and smile at the end of it. when i told mum about the story, she admitted that the father in the book reminds her of her late father. someone who is fussy, very strict and patronizing. now i know where i got that patronize thread. huh!!!
the best thing about this holiday is i fully utilise my time to be with my parents. going out with my favourite rugby player. goofing around with my 4 years old nephew. attaching his lego car, playing battle, hide his mum's phone and all the stupid things. my hands now full of blueish bruises due to being bitten and beaten. but i don't care because somehow it strengthen our bond. ecstatic.

me: i'm thinner now. but why do i feel so turn on everytime i look at myself in the mirror whenever i wear this shirt.
B: i know that. it's the little curve at your back down to your ass. always drive me crazy. always.
me: you're supposed to be my fried.
B: i am your friend. but i'm just a guy.
me: no. you're a pervert with less hot butt.

holly jolly

despite all the religion differences, we are still together blessed by whatever our beliefs are because in the end, blood is always thicker than water. i would like to wish my family wherever they are a very Merry Christmas. let's have fun and pray for miracle to happen to all of us. i love you guys deep-deep. ketat-ketat. thanks for making my christmas even more special with all the wish and token of appreciation. terasa diri ku begitu berharga..;)

btw, frodo cameo in The Hobbit- An Unexpected Journey is so damn cute. i feel like want to squeeze him tightly and kidnap him so i can cuddle him for the rest of the night.

you're an old guy

Happy 31st Birthday My Mr.Lanjut Usia

let's grow old together

but first you're going to need this to get rid of that wrinkles

and lots and lots of this

no matter how old and worn you are,

KAU TETAP YANG TERSEXY DAN TERMUAHHH DI HATI SAYA. 

p/s: i may not text. i may not call. but i'm not sumbung. i just caved myself to give you some space. whatever it is, you know me well enough.

pull the trigger

i play for keep. 

people tend to take things for granted. enaf said.

your hand writing. the way you walk. your sense of fashion. the way you see the world.

"what i want is to be needed. what i need is to be indispensable to somebody. who i need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my intention. somebody addicted to me. a mutual addiction" - Chuck Palahniuk.

hi, my name is zila marsden and i'm addicted to you.

nj and i

been spending time with nadiah and jerry a lot lately via gtalk and phone. i really feel like they're living next to me. adham growing so fast. last time he was just dodi and next thing you know he's going to be big bro dodi. it's really nice to have someone who knew you inside out where you don't have to pretend. it's totally the break that i really need from my life right now. being open and so free about everything just because you know they will never judge you. seriously, the best relationship ever. i'm so grateful to hear that jerry is actually trying so hard to embrace Islam and practising it for the first time in his entire life. good job, naddy.
there was one time when she asked me whether i'm still a control freak. i was like wtf??? i'm not a control freak. not ever. then she tried to convince me by showing some exhibits. i actually was a control freak. WAS okay. and when i think back, i found that i'm still that control freak who try so hard to control my freak side and hide it deep inside of me. i pretend to be someone cooler, spontaneous and like surprises. it so tiring. but i keep doing it knowing that no guy would like to have a control freak as a girl. i plan everything. even my spontaneous thingy. i plan it very precisely from the beginning so it will look naturally. only God knows how hard i tried to maintain this macho and cool look. but surprisingly, everything comes naturally now. the control freak and the spontaneous me blend together to create the new me. i guess so. nadiah and jerry were laughing so hard when i said this. give it a break, you guys.
i miss to have you in my life right now. i miss to have sleeping partner. i frankly never do what we used to do with anyone. i maybe sleep with a lot of people. but i never cuddle and spooning until the dawn without feeling so gay doing so. i miss to have someone where i can actually say "pause please. i just wet my panty and i need to change" whenever we watched hentai together. i miss the loudspeaker phone call where you guys usually yelled at me to dump that moron. and when you yelled at me again saying "you still the most stupid girl i've ever met. last time you stupid for stick with the guy you don't even love for five years. now you stupid because waiting for your one true love" when i told you about H, it's euphoric. i seriously envy you. you're so smart with all the horticulture thing yet you drop school for the chance of love. i envy with the fact that you're now a smart housewife with 1 and half kids. i envy everything about you though you're not even in size 4. you're totally daredevil and you inspired me a lot. thank you for being in my life once again. and jerry, thank you for your little hijrah. i know how hard it is to actually believe in God when you used to spend your entire life with no belief. you not only make nadiah happy, but also me.

homme

me: so thank you.
he: i didn't do anything.
me: no. you did everything.

tell me, how can i not love you when you are the reason for the better me.
tell me, how can i not love you when we have the chemistry.
tell me, how can i not love you when our hearts combined like a neutron star collision.

i'm not a bitch who keep hurting people who's in love with me

"you're still the same old zila. flirt with everyone, stick to no one," said a friend.

for the record, i don't flirt. i'm just being nice and sweet. if you defined it as flirting, then you got me wrong baby. and why should i stick to anyone? i'm not looking for that kind of relationship. i want something serious. i'm tired of committing myself to things like that where the chances of getting hurt is high. i'm scared. being in love with someone is tiresome. you have to give your full attention. you sacrifice yourself, time, energy and your private space for some uncertain future. for what? so you can get hurt and repeating the same rebound phase again and again. no thanks, baby. i've had enough already. they said love and commitment come hand in hand. that's why i stick to wait for the right one. the one who's going to shake my dad's hand on my big day and promise him that he will take care of his little baby girl. and to that guy i shall give my love and full commitment.
in other words, i'm waiting for that guy to propose. i want marriage. i dreamed about it all the time. only not with you or anyone. i've got my own choice. so stop bickering.

with you

with you, love feels so very ritual.
i love how you've turned me into the "now" me.

and to you i would like to express my sincere gratitude.

salam ma'al hijrah 1434

there are two things i really wish to do for this coming new year:
1. finish recite the Holy Quran.
2. read the Tafsir and comprehend the meaning.

and as you said, may we find the happiness that we dreamed of. Aameen.

i am the one who can walk that mile until the end starts

i don't know why adele always has a song that helps to describe my feeling. this song is really something. the lyrics touched every part of me. being a weeper myself, i actually cry the first time i listen to the chorus. i wonder if i had too much love for him inside of me. it surprised me sometimes thinking about it. it's like i've never tired after all these years waiting, crying, hurting and mostly loving him each day.

when dad asked me about him last night, i asked him back why he likes him. then he said, "he put a smile on your face back". and with that, i spent my night crying myself to sleep..;(

see-through

i know this is maybe nothing to some people but still i would like to send my deepest apology to those who attend our annual dinner last saturday. i didn't realize that my blouse is that transparent. i didn't do the fitting when i bought that shirt since it was from my usual store. i simply asked for my size and paid for it.
i was in a rush on the night when i get ready in the hotel room. i just took off the tag and wore it. only realize that it was transparent when i saw picture on his camera. but i thought it was due to camera flash. so today when a friend tagged me in facebook, i was shocked on how lucent that blouse was. i should have worn it with some tank inside. i feel sad thinking that i have shown my body the whole night to everyone when i should keep it for the right one later. i feel terrible every time i think about it. luckily, this friend of mine deleted the pictures from her wall. thank you, Imelda. you saved me.

O' Allah, please forgive my sins. let me bear it myself and hope not to be burdened it to my dearest father..;(

bersama mu ku temu kan ketenangan

Jika engkau telah berdoa untuk di dekat kan jodoh, jangan sibuk mencari yang jauh. Dia sudah ada di dekat mu.

For you, HK.

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blessed friday, no?

never go to bed with unsettle issues cause you're going to wake up feeling like a shit and it'll determine your mood for the whole day.
i hate having a fight with him. especially when it involved the person i'm not so fond of. i hate to discuss things which clearly the answer will always be NO. he knows me well enough to not to raise the case. so when things like this happened and we both (more to myself) go to bed feeling sad and depressed, i woke up today with fifty shades of gloom.
then when my boss questioned me about my unfinished work, as if i'm not doing my job just because some scum asshole did not do their part, plus i was summoned to his office, i break down. i cried like a stupid person and hating that scumbag even more.
i know that stupid and hate are two mean words that i shouldn't use but i just couldn't help it. i have to use it to describe this stupid fella we have in my work place. i wish i don't have to work with this scum but i have to. like everyone else who trapped dealing with this person. this scum is just so annoying i could spend my whole day cursing this person. i never feel like a shit but i lost control this morning. i wept in front of everyone which is to me one of the stupidest act i've ever shown in public. now i can't stop myself from hating that person. i hate this scum to the deepest. i wish i never met a person like this scum. and i pray that they will transfer this scum to somewhere far far away from my circle. i tried to find some compassion and love inside me but i failed to do so cause all that left is hate and despise for this scum. i pray that Allah will forgive my sin for hating this scum. Ameen.

too much hate lately, zila. clean your inner self before it's too late.

hingusan

people don't mess with me. they just don't mess with this sweet, cute and adorable zila marsden. but when a little scum who i treated nicely before put a shit on me, i feel like "what on earth has got into your mind?".
i only have one thing to say. GROW UP before it's too late. the world outside is bigger than you can imagine. people get meaner, things get brutal. no one wants to have a psychotic little brat to be their friend. you will be left out. alone. do you really want to spend the rest of your life alone? or perhaps you should hire a fake friends to be your clan. pathetic. i pity you.

food for thought

Lagi makan hati berulam jantung. Pahit tapi sedap.

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everyone deserves this fun

planning the near future with someone who includes you in all his far future life plans is fun.
being in love with someone who loves you with his entire heart is just the most fun.

whoever you are, i'm waiting for you patiently.

sired to you, a thousand times over

i fell for your thoughts
the way that you said my name
how you make me speechless
i ache to be inside your mind
hear the whisper of your every thought
get lost in your deepest desires
i want you lying down next to me
caressing the soft curves of my face
running your fingers down my back
i fell for you
i ache for you
i want you.

life is never rainbow and unicorn

imagine someone put you on cloud nine and lift you to seventh heaven. then when you get cozy and all that flower thingy start to bloom, he left. and you're slowly descending. falling. scared to scatter and shatter. once you think you're going to hit the ground, crash and ruin, he catch you and lift you up again. and the cycle goes round and round. no one knows what is the ending. not even you. but you keep going on because you like the pleasure it brings when actually it hurts every part of you.

wake me up when we get to the end part. just make sure it has happy ending.

just don't

i maybe the most emotionally immature, unstable and retarded person on earth. but i am trying so hard to change the way i am for the better. so please be patient. have a little faith in me. don't walk away from me. don't turn your back on me. don't leave me without a hand to hold on to. that's all i'm asking. it means a lot to me. you mean a lot to me.

semua kan ada hikmah nya

because Allah will settle everything for you
when you take care of your relationship with Him.

Ya Allah, please give me the strength i need.

jaded

i am crying over the loss of something i never had. mourning something that never was. my dashed dreams. dashed hope. and my soured expectation. heart and flowers.

while listening to Transcription by Bach.