butter to my bread

when i'm sitting at the bench outside Head of Department room this morning, i've been distracted by a smell. i was like God, please stop torturing me with this smell. suddenly i saw him coming out from the HEM room. again i was like God, why you grant me with this smell's gift.
i miss that smell. i hate that smell. i love that smell. it's like he purposely torturing me with that smell. keep using it every day when he well aware how much i love that smell. you know what it feels like when you like something but you're not allowed to touch it, to be near to it, to be close to it, to be able enjoying every moment of it just because you're such Ego Maniac. just because you're the most Stubborn Rebellious Princess. just because you're the Sulking Queen.

p/s: not talking to each other give me more space to enjoy the art of peeking. secretly enjoying that sexy ass. the move every time he walks. the tight pants holding that yummilicious roundy thing. i like it.

shit!!! i sound like a pervert enjoying girl's body. seriously, am i a girl or a guy?

another not-so-practical Sunday

so here i am alone in house again. budak kecik is going to LD. i'm just tired to go anywhere. after three days of school sports day, three days of holiday seems not enough to regain all the energy and all the noon nap that i've missed. budak kecik is officially no longer a matron anymore. and that allows us to spend 24/7 together. as if we were couple. yuck!!! haha...

i got a new hair cut last friday. nothing new actually. a fringe with a slightly longer bob. this time around, i just went to the salon, taking all my guts to cut it without asking permission or some opinion from anyone. not even him. though i know how much he likes a girl with a long hair. seriously, does it makes any different? no, right? OMG!!! i'm so brave. haha...i'm happy with the new look cause i look a little bit younger. not saying that i am old right now. so it is true when they said that making some changes to yourself can bring a new energy. a positive force to you. i kinda feel it right now.

remember when i said i start losing weight lately? budak kecik said i look bidak in my cotton pants now. i should firming my body. should do the hill sprint to make sure my butt stay firmer. weight gaining? it's not that hard for me. all i need is a glass of milk and a pack of cookies right before bed time.

too many things happen lately. i so hate hectic chaotic life. even hate the fact that i have to pretend that i like everyone here when actually i curse every time i saw their faces. and whenever i have to talk to certain people, and they treat me nicely, in my heart i feel like 'enough la...stop acting like i don't know what kind of crap you were talking behind my back'. i hate that feeling. why can't anyone be like me? you know when i don't like somebody, i just stop making any contact to them. i won't talk. i won't see their faces. i seldom hate people. only when they do bad things to me then i realize that and i stop be nice and be mean instead. daddy keep asking me to stop acting that way. saying that i am big enough to acting like a child. but i just couldn't. i'm not a kid anymore where i can pretend to be their friends so that i can have a friends to play around. plus, when they no longer a friend to me, it just gives me another reason to talk bad things about them without feeling guilty that i bad talking my own friends. haha. cool kan?

dani asked me yesterday about our little argument that leads to cold-shoulder war. i kind of what? who told you all of this? he didn't said anything but chuckles. off course he was the one who told dani. who else kan? so he did realize about that. that means he knows that it hurts me a lot when he treat me that way. hey!!! i never yell to you. i talk to you nicely. always. all the time. not one time i raise my voice to you. not even when i'm in PMS. is it wrong for me when i expect you to at least treat me the same way i do even when you're not in a good mood? compare to me, in a one whole month how many times did you face mood swing? none. or at least once. me? i'm having PMS a week before the menses and a week after the menses. 14 days and plus another 7-8 days of mood swing during the menses. that makes 21-22 days of 30 in a month. so now you tell me in that time, did i ever yell at you? did i ever make you as my punching bag whenever i'm mad at the students? did i ever treat you badly even when the world start to be such a diabolic to me? now you tell me!!!

ya saya sangat kecik hati dengan kamu. dan saya juga tahu kamu bukan kisah.

p/s: got to go. have to:

1. shower.

2. can i just pretend that it's not my time to cook for lunch today?

3. calling mum to ask for the winter melon chicken soup recipe. (it's raining season again here. i just want to make sure that every one of us stay healthy and not caught any flu or cough)

4. preparing lesson plan for my observation tomorrow.

5. start packing my stuff before moving to Perumahan next week. (mati la. punya banyak barang. should have listen to mum when she said i should stop buying things i don't need)

hey!!! i have not take my breakfast yet.

ramble

have a talk last night with pendekar laut via phone call. not that serious actually. we're gossiping. talking some random stuff about school and life. damn, i miss that guy. we not actually gossiping but more to mengutuk. but the gang is not enough. squidward should be there too. menambah perencah. it's been a long time since i have this kind of talk. budak kecik not so jahat mulut. she seems against this attitude. big bird lagi la. as long as that someone did not talk bad thing about him in front of him, he won't say a lot. such a kind heart person. though pendekar laut no longer in school with us, he still up date with things happen here. we talk and talk and talk. suddenly he mention the new rank of 'bidakness' in school. i'm laughing my arse out. just can't control myself. how can he think of something like that. that's totally brilliant. i never thought of something mean like that. that means i'm such a nice person too. haha. i am an angel after all. only the slutty version of it...;p
it's saturday and here i am stuck in this place called bukit garam. it's even miracle to not going out to sandakan. today activities since i woke up this morning:
1. breakfast with budak kecik at some place they called heaven of nasi kuning and nasi lalap. my POV: the taste is close to heaven compare to ours.
2. house cleaning. it's totally a mess when the weekend come. i just don't have time to tidy it up during school days. i always in a rush since i woke up at 6 am every morning...;)
3. i should take a shower now cause i start to smell like a piglet. haha. not really. i smell ckin2u. bila ni perfume mau habis? masuk tahun ketiga sudah. i just love the smell of it till i use it before bed time. and the smell of aqua lily really awakening me in the morning.
4. have to call kak lin to place my order. she's in kL with the kids now.
5. have to call daddy to confirm some stuff regarding my bimboness.

the complete us during annual dinner last year
pingu+big bird+barbie+squidward+barney+pandekar laut+kelly
now all we need is zaza to be entertain.

ya. saya sunyi.

kalau di ikut kan aku tidak la hairy mana pun. bukan macam certain perempuan yang punya bulu kaki dan tangan yang panjang. kalau itu aku mau. sebab buat tangan nampak lebih sexy. di mata aku.

the thing is bulu itu tumbuh di kawasan-kawasan larangan. contoh nya bermisai dan ada janggut sikit. kata barney, perempuan bermisai kuat sex. hebat teori dia. lebih sandi bila perut berbulu. ya. perut aku berbulu. sangat tidak menguja kan. kutuk la aku. tidak best kan?

aku rindu tengok ica pregnant. sebab bagi aku dia preggy mummy yang paling sexy aku pernah tengok. giant belly dia sangat menggiur kan. aku tidak pernah tertarik untuk menikah bila tengok orang kawin. jauh sekali hadiri majlis perkahwinan. tapi bila tengok perempuan pregnant, baby comel, toddler cute, rasa macam sekarang juga mau kawin. masuk bilik. kunci pintu. foreplay. make love. orgasm. dan 6 minggu selepas itu terima berita gembira. hebat. teruja. mau kawin bukan sebab lain tapi sebab mau itu. bila mau dapat? Tuhan, beri kan aku cinta please.

rasa tidak gembira lately sebab berat badan macam turun. kurus tidak begitu menggoda aku. aku kurang gemar bila tengok scale mencatat 52kg. aku mau lebih dari itu tapi tidak melintasi 58kg. kurung moden pun boleh zip sendiri sekarang. biasa nya terpaksa berhempas pulas semasa mengena kan nya. sah. terbukti. budak pun ada tegur. pinggang tecer makin kecik. off course la. rahsia nya, kurang kan pengambilan carbs. sapu kan lotion pati halia sebelum tidur setiap malam. dan yang paling penting, kurang kan mengumpat dan menyibuk hal orang. mengumpat kan ibarat makan daging orang yang sedang di perkata kan. apa guna susah payah menahan nafsu makan tapi mulut tidak pandai berhenti bau longkang. okey cukup. itu sahaja rahsia nya. sekarang mari pigi dapur minum segelas susu dan setengah paket oreo. heaven.

sekarang ni musim mengawan di sekolah. silap la. musim sukan. tapi hujan turun tanpa henti lately. padang jadi berlumpur. finally but getah yang di beli tahun lepas dapat di guna kan. hari ni sukan tara. aku sebagai ketua pencatat masa untuk acara sprint berkubang dengan budak kecik, amoi cantik dan beberapa lagi senior lain. budak cakap aku pigi menombak. hey!!! tecer kalau cuti di rumah pun ikut menombak okey. bila sukan begini, banyak remind aku dengan pendekar laut. kalau aku yang bff sahaja rindu kan dia, apa tah lagi budak kecik yang kekasih. aku rasa sukan yang paling best adalah sukan tahun lepas. satu sebab ketua dan penolong match. iswara: sporty. wira: cool. perdana: alim. satria: mesti la kacak dan cantik. haha. bukan la. outstanding. sebab paling bising mulut. walau pun kalah teruk, semangat kesukanan tu masih ada. itu yang paling penting dan perlu di terap kan. setan la. mengeramput saja. tapi squidward juga setuju dengan pendapat aku yang sukan tahun lepas best. sebab setelah bertahun-tahun bukit garam bersukan dalam hujan, tahun lepas cuaca cerah sepanjang 3 hari kejohanan. macam kena bless pula. itu tahun kami. segala-gala nya indah.

tadi petang sempat jumpa dani kejap. kalau tidak fikir itu dani tunangan orang, atau senang cakap kalau saja dani tu pingu atau big bird atau squidward, mau saja aku hug dan squeeze him tightly. sebab telampau sayang kawan macam dia. dani la satu-satu nya manusia yang bukan talam dua muka di bukit garam ni. tapi tadi dia bilang, sebenar nya dia la master mind dalam semua hal yang jadi. haha. macam aku tidak cukup kenal kau saja. dia terharu tapi tidak dapat menangis. lucu tu anak. innocent dan senang tertipu. naive. tapi selagi aku di bukit garam ni, i won't let anyone do anything to him.
ba...besok lagi la aku sambung mengeramput. jangan risau. aku sudah siap kan RPH di sekolah tadi. buku pun boleh marking di sekolah nanti. jadi adalah juga di nampak yang aku ni buat kerja. tidak la balik-balik nama kau kau dan kau ja yang naik sebagai guru berkaliber. kira nya bila pulang rumah aku punya banyak waktu untuk surfing. makan. besar kan pantat. dan buat aktiviti-aktiviti sihat seperti ukur katil dan cuci piring.

pendekar laut, squidward, kelly, barbie and pingu
masa ni barney belum ada lagi sebab tengah sibuk ajar budak menyanyi tempat lain.
big bird pula sombong sangat time ni. maklum la, dia kan asal sesame street.

p/s: mms big bird tadi buat aku ketawa sendiri.

observation

you know what it feels like when you finally have the mood to finish your pending book, you spend your time reading it and then suddenly your house is black out? sucks kan? macam sial. even sial when the power on off in every 10 minutes. sial kan? then you stop reading, switch on your notebook and online. and you browse your facebook. look at what every body up to. and accidentally you running to some old friend's profile, stroll down her wall. seeing some of her picture. until you found something unbelievable. she's not single (as usual). she never be. always save something for rainy season la this girl. but what surprised me is when i look at their picture together. i was like such a waste, girl. she's so fucking beautiful with a sweet smile and killing body. but when i saw that man, he's totally out of her league. love is blind. cinta tak kenal siapa. but they look happy together. i'm happy for them.

suddenly a question pop out from my chat box. it's from her. the question is 'are you single now?'. and i said 'yes, i am. why?'. she said 'how come?'. i said 'come come' when actually i don't know what to tell her. i think she knows me best when it comes to relationship. since high school i think every one knows that i don't talk much about my relationship. it's not like i'm not that open. but because i'm such ignorant person. i don't know what to answer them when actually i know nothing about the current item of mine. haha. it's not like i don't know. it's just malas mau cakap.

when i'm tired of answering her questions, i go offline. what a cute escape. so i continued browsing my news feed. observing people. like i said in my previous wall post, people did 'melacur perhatian' each other. they commenting each other's status when actually they talking bad things about that particular person. come on la. such a bitchy things to do. they become friends to someone they actually don't know. they leave a comment. they like each other photo. maybe it's just their way of getting to know people. maybe. as for me it is ages ago since i add new people. i'm happy with my current friend list. they all in my surrounding. i know them. they know me. except for one little person. she adds me. not me adding her. mengerat kan silaturrahim. it's never a wrong thing. haha...zila...zila....bila mau berubah?

i'm thinking about cutting my hair shorter. for real. i'm tired of my hair now. i think it's ruined. unhealthy. ini la akibat nya bila hari-hari pakai tudung. i never have bad hair day so i seldom thinki about it. when is the last time i pay a visit to saloon for hair treatment? oh yeah...it was around december 2009, few days before went to kK for taklimat posting. awesome. no wonder my hair looks like a wire.

i'm kinda having insomnia when i'm alone at home. i can't sleep. that's why you get three entry posted for today. saya sangat rajin menulis hari ini untuk mengisis kekosongan hidup. as if my life is that empty. haha...it is empty after almost an hour talking on the phone with dady this evening. as usual, i amused him with my silly tales about school and stuff. yeay me!!!

kau tau apa?

friends: why him?

me: why not?

friends: he's petite.

me: his heart is huge.
friends: you can get better.

me: he's my better.

friends: there are many fishes in the sea.

me: not as shinny as mine.

friends: will he make you happy?

me: happy is subjectives.
friends: he won't change.

me: i'll wait.

friends: forget him.

me: i wont.
friends: you'll suffer.

me: suffer brings me pleasure.
friends: you are crazy.

me: for him.
friends: you so hard.

me: you people make me even harder.

penculik: looking at your picture together makes me wonder how can he not be attracted to a girl like you.

me: hanya dia dan Tuhan yang tahu apa isi hati nya.

be nice please

i know i'm such a rude person. i yell as i wish. my word is worse. i'm using blow and job in the same sentence. but still i talk to certain people nicely. in a proper way. now when i get a reply like "kau siapa mau mengarah-arah aku?" from someone i talk extra nicely, i was like .........wtf?

perhaps you had a bad day. but it doesn't mean that you can use me as your punching bag. some thing to let go of your anger. or maybe i'm asking too much for you to turn around?

semalam yang hangat

there's nothing beat lying on bed wearing tank top and boardshort in a rainy day reading pending book

"Jadi anda dapat membaca hati ku, Padre. Anda tahu aku mencintai nya, dan cinta ku semakin besar bersama belalu nya waktu. Bersama-sama kami menemu kan dunia dan tinggal di dalam nya. Ia selalu ada setiap hari dalam hidup ku-entah aku mengingin kan nya atau tidak."

"Aku berhak bahagia, Padre. Aku telah menemu kan yang hilang, dan tidak ingin kehilangan lagi. Aku akan berjuang demi kebahagiaan ku. Jika aku menyerah, aku akna meninggal kan kehidupan spiritual ku. Seperti kata anda, aku akna mengenyah kan Tuhan bersama-sama kekuatan dan kuasa ku sebagai wanita. Aku akan berjuang demi mendapat kan diri nya, Padre."

towards the ending...

Mata ku di penuhi air.
"Aku akan duduk bersama mu di tepi sungai ini. Jika kau pulang untuk tidur, aku akan tidur di luar rumah mu. Jika kau pergi, aku akan mengikuti mu-sampai kau mengusir ku pergi. Maka baru la aku pergi. Tapi aku harus mencintai mu sepanjang hidup ku."

Di tepi sungai Piedra aku duduk dan menangis.
"Cinta mu telah menyelamat kan aku dan mengembali kan aku ke mimpi."
"Ia akan membantu ku menemukan jalan ku lagi."
"Jalan kita."
"Ya. Jalan kita."
Ia meraih tangan ku dan menarik ku hingga berdiri.

not every one is that lucky be able to find the soul mate who is willing to wait. to sacrifice their present for the sake of the love one. and not every one is willing to accept you for who you are.


p/s: and it takes me more than a month to finish this 222 pages book. Indonesian is so hard to be understood. they complicate the simple things.

i am against polygamy and fat-ass-bitch

baru-baru ini terbaca artikel di facebook mengata kan haram hukum nya bagi wanita menetang poligami.

saya tidak kisah ia nya haram atau tidak. saya tetap menentang nya.

lelaki bila berkata tentang poligami seribu dalil cuba di keluar kan. cuba la di aju kan tentang nafkah dan ibadah. ptuikk!!! haram.

saya bukan benci poligami. cuma saya kurang menerima nya. bukan punya pengalaman. cuma lebih pemerhatian.

cuba saja kaum adam di letak kan di tempat itu. pasti kamu juga cukup sakit.

di dua kan kekasih saja boleh buat kamu terseksa batin tutup pintu hati bertahun-tahun. tidak mampu menerima cinta baru dalam hidup kerana seksa nya di dua kan.

bayang kan la jika terpaksa berkongsi kasih dan penis yang sudah sah menjadi milik sendiri dengan orang lain.

sakit, bukan?

jangan hanya memandang pada keinginan diri dan batin. jauh sekali memperkata kan tentang ibadah dan agama.

kamu bukan baik sangat. tidak semulia mana.

zaman lelaki adil iman penuh di dada tidak wujud lagi sekarang ini.

kasihani wanita. fahami jiwa isteri. ketahui kehendak batin nya.

tidak mendapat payung emas juga tidak mengapa jika proses mendapat kan nya cukup terseksa.

let's stick to the 'one penis for one vagina' policy just like we stick to 'one vagina for one penis'.

***talking about something else, kalau kamu lelaki beriman yang di datang kan dengan pakej lengkap seperti ini:

> 6ft.

> sweet smile with a shining eyes.

> 6 packs.

> not-so hairy.

> with a great sense of humor.

> brilliant mind.

> pious soul.

> sexy ass.

> huge package.

> stunningly good in suit and carrot pants.

> ravish in street smart look.

> delicious with only boxer or maybe board short and white T-shirt.

> dishy feet in flip flop.

dan mampu buat saya teriak dan tersenyum puas selepas 7 kali climax setiap malam, only then i can consider to commit suicide for you.

kalau setakat mulut sama lahanat mencarut nya, solat tidak terjaga, akhlak tidak semulia mana, kamu tidak akan jauh lebih baik dari saya.

p/s: rasa nya semua orang tau cara pemanduan berbahaya saya. tapi saya heran bila ada rumors terbaru mengata kan saya mau bunuh diri dengan memandu laju bila jiwa di sakiti. weird, right?

seingat saya, jarang sekali saya keluar tanpa di temani budak kecik. tidak kan la saya ingin membunuh budak kecik sekali. kalau ya pun mau bunuh diri, banyak lagi cara lain yang tidak begitu menyakit kan.

iman saya tidak setipis itu. keyakinan saya pada Tuhan begitu teguh. amat mustahil untuk saya melakukan perbuatan jahil seperti itu.

sudah-sudah la tu menjaja cerita tentang saya. tidak pernah rasa nya saya menyibuk hal kamu. jauh sekali mau menyebar cerita tentang kamu. hal kamu pun saya tidak ambil tau. apa yang menarik tentang hidup saya sehingga kan kamu begitu suka dengan nya?

satu pesan saya, jangan terlalu di sakit kan hati saya. takut buruk padah yang kamu terima nanti. cukup lama saya bersabar.

p/s/s: high taste? ukur baju di badan sendiri, please.

i happen to love the attraction

Dear friends,

don't expect me to be that sad for what we've known recently. i used to know far more worst things about that particular person. not saying that i'm strong. but to be frank, that kind of things is just a piece of shit. it won't effected me. seriously. talking bad things about others to someone you talk bad behind is normal to them. is like their hobby. they're different. they not like us. we don't go bitching around our friends when they not here with us. when A and B together, they talk about C. when B and C together, they talk about A and when A and C together, they talk about B. and when A,B,C together, they talk some more about other people and laugh their not-so-sexy ass loud. that's their circle. they are a bunch of people who never satisfy with their own life. so when we came with such alluring fun, they become so jealous because they no longer be the apple of the SH eyes. people no longer look up on them. because perhaps, or just maybe, they not so good looking, not that cool like each of us. they feel threatened by us. they envy us. they hate us. so they start spreading rumors about us especially me. creating so untrue story. reporting fake stuff to the admin. back stabbing us. and many more evil things they did to us. too bad, all that things never bother us much. now we can only pity them for having that kind of life. for having that kind of friends. it is not every one is that lucky to have a friends like each of us. though we come from different places, races, religion, we still stand together strongly. and i just want to thank all of you for always be there for me. for supporting each other. for every littlest thing.

to my playmate in bunny land, you guys are awesome. you guys rock.

webby high five!!!

PMS

post-mens-syndrome

p/s: macam sial!!!

where did i go wrong?

for over two years i keep praying that it would never be happen. every time i went to kK, i've been avoiding place that we used to go. i keep hiding from our circle. i've been deleting all the memories. keep asking God to veil me from his eyes. secrete him from me. but who am i to ask for it when it's written that we belong to the same place. and who am i to forbid God's will when HE wants us to see each other. even just in a glance.

for years and years we've been on and off. he break it off when he so tired of my att. and plead me to take him back when he's alone. and i always say yes. not because of stupidity. not because of idiotic. but i hate to start a new things. i hate to get to know new people. i hate to meet stranger. and the most thing is deep down in my heart i have the voice saying he will come back to me no matter what. and so years and years we're living in each other's shadow pretending that we love each other. mostly him pretending that he loves me. and me keep lying to myself that i always want to spend the rest of my life with this guy. but it's all lie. especially on my side. i lied to him saying that i love him when i only love myself. i only know how to love myself. i only know how to please myself.

when he walk away for another girl, it hurt so bad. it effects me in so many ways. until now. i must be a liar when i said i've moved on. bullshit. it's all bullshit. i lied to dad saying that i've moved on. saying that i'm okay. asking him to stop the healing session. just because i don't want him to spend another money for stupid reason when i know very well to hell i can get rid of him. and i'm right. there still some spot in my heart, in my brain for him. or am i just in love of torturing myself when i'm alone?

and seeing him on friday in my own town, in my own place with the girl, kills me. ruined me. bruised me. who i try to lie now? me, him, dad or you?

cukup sakit. macam mati sekejap. serius.

buat kali ini aku tidak marah di anggap BIMBO

atas cinta pada pink karna...

ini sangat menggoda.
begitu menggiur kan dengan harga rm439.
orgasmicaly pleasure.
minda dan keinginan kini sedang bersetubuh.

p/s: dia di tanah jajahan ku. yeay!!!

kamu yang pakai perfume Polo Black

aku dan nafas ku,
merindu kan mu

hero

watching Armageddon just now makes me miss my daddy so much. it's been a week since i talk to him last Thursday. how funny it is that i still can cry watching AJ crying when he wants Harry to tell Grace that he loves her. and my tears just couldn't stop running when Harry talks to Grace via video call. it was so touching. all the things he said. how he feel about AJ despite the hatred that he tried to show once he knows AJ dating his little girl. it's full of emotion.

daddy, i miss you. i'll see you this saturday. i keep my promise so far and i think you should be proud of me.

sunday morning rain is falling

steal some cover, share some skin.

nothing beat rainy sunday morning. cause you going to get up late. it's just giving you another reason to stay in bed doing nothing. close to heaven.

my plan for today:

1. house chores

2. laundry

3. finish the pending book i've started.

4. lunch date with budak kecik.

closer to heaven.

things going so well lately and i kind of love it.

PMS, please leave me faster. let the thing out cause i'm tired of feeling want to bite someone, yelling at my students and get mad when i'm not suppose to.

my sanctuary

and here too i have to sleep alone on a queen size bed.

;(

last night

me: Marry me then i'll feed you with food and love and and and and a great sex.

he: Haha...i like that!!! huhu

this is totally going in my blog!!!

i'm sorry but i just could not get enough of him. i wish i have tv complete with astro set here instead of watching HIMYM on youtube. i miss home on a time like this. i just don't have enough money to buy a tv. and i wish it's christmas again next month so i could ask daddy to buy me tv as a gift..

barney stinson is so legen...wait for it...dary. adore him.

igniting

i did tell you that i have a thing with smells, right?

i have this weird incident this morning. i don't know how to say this. but i found it really bizarre.
it's nothing actually. this morning after copying my class name list at the HEM room, i hurriedly enter the staffroom to finish my work. but then when i stand in front of the main entrance, i stop suddenly because i've been distracted by the smell. his smell. i thought he was in class. but when i enter the staffroom, there he was, sitting at his place doing his work. weird. weird. weird. it's three weeks now we've spent the morning together and i really notice every smell of him. weird. weird. weird. so weird. yeah...it's weird. enough said.
by the way, i hate seeing his pants now. semua longgar. hilang sikit sexy nya. nasib tidak hilang terus.

he once told me that he start to go to surau to perform the solat now. may be it's because Dani's advice. then i told fizzy about it and said "hebat la dani mampu ubah orang macam dia". then she answered me "nda. nda cukup hebat lagi tu. sepa berjaya ubah kau tu yang hebat". sentap mak nok.

surrounded

just say good bye and good night to our little cullen family. here i am alone again after having a blast of laugh with them.
last night when i chat with amir on fb, i told him "mesti sedap kan hujan-hujan begini makan nasi panas sama masak lomak cili api". and just now we're having masak lomak cili api udang for dinner. sedap sekali.
and what's the best of all is every one said finally they can eat hot rice in such a comfy place. faizal, amir, joild and iwan bertambah-tambah nasi makan. budak kecik pun seems happy with the food. me? don't ask. there's nothing compare to see their happy face having dinner at my place. i'm content with happiness. seriously. i'll trade the world just to see those smiles again and again. the food. the drink. the desserts. every thing is marvelous.
i think we should do this every weekend with a different menu.

you, bagus buang tu handphone sana. kalau nda pun, nda payah pakai terus.

a hole inside my heart

stay there. don't leave.
at least i still got you. my little heart.

living alone is so hard. you don't know what you up to. what do you really want in your life.
i'm talking about living alone. cause i currently living alone.
i come back every day to an empty house.
what welcoming me is just a queen size bed full of pillows to be hugged.
a playlist to be heard.
a movie to be watched.
a book to be read.
i used to have budak kecik every day and night before. but now it's only me every noon till night.
it's hard. so hard. especially when the night falls. i used to said to him that my every night is totally a struggling of eyes closing.
and when the sun rises, relief soothe me.
if i could, i would get married as soon as i can.
not for the sex.
but for someone to hold me closely every single night.





;(

home food

so yeah...here i am writing this entry in my own kitchen. hehe...no silly. in my own rented kitchen. i no longer staying at the hostel. and for the first time tonight me and budak kecik going to eat home food. just simple dish for the two of us. i cook here and later on going to her place to dine together. nafilah is no longer our kitchen. but still i have to hang out there tonight to meet joild and ask him to install that SMM in my laptop.
i love cooking. i love the smell of the food while i'm cooking. i love anything that related to food. but what i hate now is the unease smell of new stove and pan. it kills the mood. i have to get use to it until it gone. now only wait for the rice to cook. take bath, solat and budak kecik, here i come with the food. big smile please....;D

p/s: you, onyx tu cantik kan. pakai tiap hari ya. it looks sexy on you. biar pun macam beliau.

of a man

murah tapi sedap. tempting.

biar kroni-kroni bilang stop, aku tetap bilang go on.
sebab at least dia selalu ada untuk aku.
secara langsung atau tidak langsung.
sengaja atau tidak sengaja.
di rancang atau kebetulan.
at least.
dia set raga ku at ease.
bila sakit, dia ada.
bila sedih, dia ada.
bila kena dengan pentadbir, dia ada.
maybe sebab aku yang cari dia.
but at least dia ada di situ bila mana aku cari.
better than anyone perhaps.
dulu selesa.
sekarang makin selesa.
lebih suka bila dia dengar cakap tentang keseksian nya.
don't this, don't that.
take off the button.
love it.
sexay!!!

p/s: you, bila kurus, bontot ikut jadi kecik. trust me. i know best.

p/s/s: ex-bf, happy birthday to you. semoga cepat kahwin and have a merry life.

hot and spicy for the sake of charity

i used to have a thing with his street smart look.
but this is so beyond my expectation.

you go adam!!!

currently nomad

living is harder when you getting older.
it's 2011 now. how do i spend my new year's eve?
crying in orca for the whole night for my stupidity.
i start my new year by donating my rm700 to a stranger just because of stupid car crash i caused because of loosing focus. great.
and it is my money. i'm not asking from daddy like i used to do. why?
because i pay it on 3rd of january. and i hereby announced that i'm broke. never mind. HE knows best.
i'm teaching in morning session right now. i sort of like it because i can sleep on the noon side.
but i spent my morning feeling sleepy for waking up too early.
i currently nomad. i have my rented house but i'm not staying there because of the water supply problem.
i'm sleeping at budak kecik's place. it is so hard. i even have my underwear right at the back seat of my car. totally uncool and not so sexy. saya benci hidup tidak terurus. i'm still looking for a better place to live.
i miss home cook. i haven't eat any of it since i came here. if you saw me closely, you can see my dry skin. i swear. i hate it. the best thing i eat since 29th dec 10 is SR tom yam kung last monday. i miss home cook. i miss veges.
just to add another worse thing in my life, now is the early year. and it's time for me to get sick. i have cough right now. sore throat. tonsil. package of voice loosing. awesome. but like Barney Stinson said "when i'm sick, i just pretend that i'm not and being awesome instead". well, i'm awesome.
kinabatangan non stop raining since forever. i love rainy days. but too much of something is bad. yeah, musim mengawan. best kan kalau sudah kahwin. someone can put you in his sweet embrace and keep you heating.
i don't know why he suddenly so eager to loose weight. it's like he obsess to be skinny. i hate it. cause he look happier when he chub. sexier. especially the ass. i ask here once again for you to not to. i like you just the way you are. 57kg is enough. and i like your tight pants. use it everyday to school so you can cheer my dying morning up. lanjik nya ni perempuan.

i wish to go back to bukit garam today cause suddenly my fun house is full of evil clown

it's weird how they keep using money to buy love and affection.
i'm mad at mum and dad today.
and tomorrow i get new things.
he's mad at his mummy today.
and the next day he get a ticket for a trip to somewhere.
that's how it works.
it's running in our family.
generation by generation.
and i wish to stop it right when i start mine.
cause i definitely don't want to have another version of me to be my baby.
enough said.

upcoming

all i want for the next christmass
is

a guy who make it easier when life gets hard.

eye-opener

oh yeah...it's christmass eve and i don't know how on earth i'm thinking about this right now.
i want to be more religious in every way. i start to think about every thing happen in my life since yesteryear. it's like God is sending me some sign that until right now i still can't decode it. how shallow i am. but hey, i'm learning. Lord, this learning process will never end.
about the religious thing, actually it's not tonight. it's start since the trip to kK with Dani. funny how that shortest time he can tackles me, charm me with his wisdom words. i guess he just talks so much until my brain can't digest every little thing that came out from him. but one thing really caught my attention; "kita sebelum bekawan dengan orang kita tengok dulu macam mana dia jaga agama nya. kalau dia tau jaga agama nya, tau la dia jaga diri nya". God, i'm totally not that person. and here is some more; "sembahyang itu la yang besa nya mencegah kita dari buat dosa. contoh nya kau cakap dia begitu begini. kau tengok la dia jaga solat nya atau tidak. kalau tidak, nda heran lah dia mampu buat begitu". and i was like "am i talking to the same age person as me?" there were another things that we talk. but i'm sure can't stop writing about it until the school start next year. we do talk a lot. i talk about myself. spilling things that i never tell anyone. maybe because i'm comfortable with him, fizzy and ana. he asked me to write a book cause i have a lot of interesting story to be shared. well, i'm a keeper. i won't do such thing. haha...
recently after the sulking mode with daddy, we do the real talk. not the father-daughter moment but more to wise man-young lady moment. i know he loves me so much and off course he is the only hero that i give my fully devotion. i realize that i'm such a bad daughter. i non-stoppingly giving him bad times despite all the good things he has done for me for my entire life. i should try to run my life the way he want me to. at least that's the only good deed i can do for him and mum. i should stop being such a baby. take my life seriously. love my job and do it properly. and the most important thing is to grow up. well, for right now i promise that i'll do it for the sake of my own self. not for anyone. i know how hard it might be. but at least i should give it a shot.
be more religious. if i can't do the hard thing, at least do the least thing. do the prayer. solat. 5 times a day. it's not that hard. and watch my wear. cover every thing that can be covered. watch my language. mind my manner. until then, you'll be surprised what life may bring you.

now where the hell is my "Eat,Pray,Love" book when i really need it?

without you

a day without you is like a year without rain. that was so........overwhelm.
but hey, i love rainy days. i don't want to go without it. so you, please don't let my day feels like a year without rain...;p



p/s: have a merry christmass. i already got myself my gift. so that's enough i guess...;)

wicca

me: i don't want a white gold bracelet. i think i need a new watch.
daddy: why do you need a new one?
me: it's his gift. and i hate that it keep remind me of him every time i saw it.
daddy: i thought you move on.
me: i am. but it's hard when i still keeping things from him. at least that's the last thing.
daddy: you working now.
me: still i want it from you.
daddy: rm300. that's the limit.
me: (better than nothing)

so he gave me rm300 today before i go out. i just love you daddy. how can i hate you when you never say NO to me...;)
i still have to add another rm350 though after 15% discount.

citizen wicca rose gold
welcome home, precious...;)

btw, i'm having a blast of laugh after having dinner with three most beautiful women. my bff: halizah, harny and fizzy.

me surrounded by my teacher's bff (breakfast forever)

i'm actually accompanying halizah to the saloon to perm her hair. while waiting for her to be done, i decided to have my hair wash. i keep thinking of doing something to my hair. i'm torn whether i should cut it short or not. i want something edgy but there is no way that i'm going to cut my hair short again. i keep remind myself that he loves a girl with a long hair. and i love my beautiful-getting-longer hair. so i decided to have a fringe. i end up looking more ladylike. oh...i so in love with it. i look demure.
then i called fizzy asking where she was. she's just coming back from LD. so i fetch her and the three of us going to farfalle. i feel so bad without harny there. so i called to asked her to come without bringing her other half, Jason. haha...pity him.
harny told us about the incident where a girl mistaken her as a form 6 girl and not a teacher. so i lied to her that i once being mistaken as a form 3 students. i know that so obviously untrue. she answered me "nda ngam ba kau budak form 3. mana ada budak form 3 tetek besar". hahahaha...that's kinda offensive. hey, there is other big thing on me that can be talk other than my boobs. like what? like....ummm....my big eyes perhaps?
hahaha...after all, we have a good time tonight. we supposed to celebrate fizzy's early birthday because the chances of pyan not coming here is big. he kind of busy lately going to Madai. so fizzy going to celebrate with her family. i asked her whether she wants a cake but she refused. i secretly wishing that pyan is going to come this thursday. i know how much it meant for her. and i know that's all she wants for her birthday.

my holy-day so far

well...what did i do?
i happened to be not in a very good mood lately. so i spent most of my time in mum's room. doing what? exploring their fridge. eat all the things inside.
keep switching the tv channel every 5 seconds when there's actually nothing to watch.
concerning my not-so-healthy skin. how to say this? it's getting better. and i love what i spent my money on. if it didn't work, i start to think of redeem it back from daddy. though i'm still kind of sulking. you know what is the best thing about sulking? the chances of getting what you want is higher than before. because big dad is trying to please me so hard until he almost give up. haha. i love sulking so much until i can't stop doing it over and over again.
i spent my other time reading Have a Little Faith from Mitch Albom. so far i'm in the page 56. keep reading it since last thursday. hey, i'm a busy woman. i have a lot of things to do than reading. like watching How I Met Your Mother, Grey's Anatomy, Private Practice, Ugly Betty and i have a movie marathon. i found HIMYM hilarious until i can't stop laughing every time i saw Barney. he is one of a kind. he stupid yet so charming.

i'm thinking of doing something productive today like measuring mum's bed or counting how many almond in every Berryl's tiramisu chocolate. oh...i love my day. and yeah, i love myself...;)