where did i go wrong?

for over two years i keep praying that it would never be happen. every time i went to kK, i've been avoiding place that we used to go. i keep hiding from our circle. i've been deleting all the memories. keep asking God to veil me from his eyes. secrete him from me. but who am i to ask for it when it's written that we belong to the same place. and who am i to forbid God's will when HE wants us to see each other. even just in a glance.

for years and years we've been on and off. he break it off when he so tired of my att. and plead me to take him back when he's alone. and i always say yes. not because of stupidity. not because of idiotic. but i hate to start a new things. i hate to get to know new people. i hate to meet stranger. and the most thing is deep down in my heart i have the voice saying he will come back to me no matter what. and so years and years we're living in each other's shadow pretending that we love each other. mostly him pretending that he loves me. and me keep lying to myself that i always want to spend the rest of my life with this guy. but it's all lie. especially on my side. i lied to him saying that i love him when i only love myself. i only know how to love myself. i only know how to please myself.

when he walk away for another girl, it hurt so bad. it effects me in so many ways. until now. i must be a liar when i said i've moved on. bullshit. it's all bullshit. i lied to dad saying that i've moved on. saying that i'm okay. asking him to stop the healing session. just because i don't want him to spend another money for stupid reason when i know very well to hell i can get rid of him. and i'm right. there still some spot in my heart, in my brain for him. or am i just in love of torturing myself when i'm alone?

and seeing him on friday in my own town, in my own place with the girl, kills me. ruined me. bruised me. who i try to lie now? me, him, dad or you?

cukup sakit. macam mati sekejap. serius.