sahabat karib

15 october makin hampir.
aku mungkin akan jadi perompak.
sebab aku ingin beri kan lelaki ini segala nya di hari jadi nya.
sebab dia buat aku bernafas dan lapang dada.

my so-in-crime partner

p/s: yan, kau bagi aku apa hari tu time birthday ku?

another lost

it's not a bad thing. i'm just losing another best friend to Arjuna. congratulation to k.b18, rny for her engagement. i'm happy for both of you and Jason. you are now no longer single like me..;)
you no longer can flirt as you wish just like we used to do. you're now belong to someone.

me and her this morning. ambil berkat.
wahai hati, sabar la kau. jangan juga telampau lanjik.

i don't want to go at first. so when i go out to breakfast with kikie this morning, i'm not prepared for events like this. as usual, i go out wearing only jeans and my favourite top without my hijab. but then i decided to come to her place. so i borrowed her hijab. something i'm not used to. never mind then. there always be the first time for every thing. seing her cry for happiness just now makes me feel so glad. one of my closest friend is having the time of her life. some thing that every girl wanted badly in life.

terlepas dari maut buat seketika membuat manusia berfikir.
a lot of things keep playing in my mind after that incident on friday. i know i should be more careful. i should listen to him when he said no speeding. i should listen to mum. i should listen to fizzy. i should listen to everyone. what if i never saw all the people in my life again? will they miss me? will i miss them? i'm not ready for that.
what do i get from it? a blast of nagging by mum and fizzy. i know i shouldn't tell them. that's why i hate driving without fizzy. she always knows how to calm me. she always knows how to make me stay focus. she always be the reminder when i reach 130km/h. the lesson: never go back alone again. ever.

drive carefully. ensure safety. ingat la orang yang tersayang.
credit to kikie for this gorgeous picture..;)

yesterday:
me: kau rindu aku ka?
he: tak pun sampai 24 jam kau tinggal aku.
me: kau sayang aku?
he: sayang.
me: hahahaha...first time kau jawab. kau sayang aku?
he: sayang la ba.
me: aku rindu kau sudah ni. kau rindu aku?
he: ya la ba. cepat la pulang sini.

one day perhaps

when i first saw this movie, i never thought it as one of the cutest thing ever. but when they came out with this romantic video, it makes me wow...
i know it's just a story. someone create it. but when you look into the bright side, this thing do exist. how do i know. i saw one. my parent. especially the part where they grew older. my parent still in love with each other even after their 50 years of marriage. you can still see, still feel the love they show towards another. my mum still looking at my dad like the first time she lay her eyes and fall in love with him. dady on the other hand, still pampering and showering mum with loves and gifts. yeah, just like she's his first love. i'm so jealous. i'm so damn envy them. my own parent. the question is do man like dad still exist? i keep praying to Lord that one day He will send me someone like my dad. if He do reserved someone like him, i can do the wait. i'm willing to wait for another 5 years. cause just like what people used to say "the longer you wait, the better you get". i guess it's okey to wait longer when you're only 25. but it's totally uncool to still waiting when you reach 30. i keep my fingers cross to that thing wishing i'll end up tying the knot next year perhaps..;)
yes, keep dreaming zila.

talking about something else, i'm home. yes, home in tawau. i'm writing this entry in mum's room cause dady is not here. he's in kK. my cousin's solemnization is tomorrow. they keep pushing me to come to kK. i decided not to. it is one way of avoiding the golden question "when is my turn?". it is hard when you're the only one who is without someone by your side. among all of us, i'm the only one who is single. i mean single as don't have anyone called boyfriend, if i'm not mistaken. even my k.b18 is getting engage this sunday. rny, i'm happy for you darl. and now i start to sound like the last lonely girl. to tell you the truth, i am lonely. feeling alone as i can be. there were times when everything seems wrong. there were times when i feel like want to cry my heart out. want to turn me loose from this burden. from this sorrow. but i keep my chin up. be positive. i'm young. still young. there's a lot to be explore in this world.
suddenly remind me to someone who's marrying my relative. i accidentally checking on her fb profile then i saw their wedding picture. she's Australian and my relative is sabahan. but both of them are Cocosian. they've met during her last visit here end of last year. i think they fell in love just like that. and they tying their knot two months ago. i know both family playing their role so well. i mean my people as in 'my people' love to match making their children. they love marrying their children among them. as if 'other peopl'e is not good enough for them. yeah i know, typical Cocos. what caught my attention is what she said. she wrote there "go overseas. expect the unexpected. just like me". then i told dad about it. dady ask me one question. "do you really want that? cause if you really want, i can arrange something better than that for you". and i was like...."nope. i think i stick to him". i know dady was smiling listening to my answer. he knows me best. he knows that i'd rather wait for what my heart desire. no matter how long it takes me. once again, me being me.

so for now, put your trust on Lord love. keep praying that He will send you the best. put your heart on His gift. He knows you best to give you whatever obstacle in life. be positive. stop reading Eat, Pray Love just because he's the one who bought it for you. and pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee stop crying over stupid things, okey zila?

miss

oh how i miss home. i miss mum so much. i should go home tomorrow. talking is not enough. seeing is much different. cuddling is totally heaven.

try

lonely is never a stranger to me. he never leave me since forever. always be with me through my ups and downs. i've been surrounded with every close friends here. still my heart longing for you.
you're so close yet feel so far. why? because you never open up your heart to me. you treat me like another stranger when you know very well we could be more than that. try to open up yourself towards me. at least give yourself a chance to see me from the other side. not from others point of view. learn to know me better and let me know you further. try to put a trust on me. it's not a wrong thing to try. once you know me, that's when you can decide who i am. what kind of girl i am.
i know i no a good girl. i laugh too loud. i speak as i wish. i do thing on my way. i'm so gedik. i love to tell the world how i feel about you. but this is just me. i'm nothing but ordinary. i don't give a damn on what other people think of me. cause what's important to me is what you do think of me.

p/s: you just don't know how much it hurts when you stop talking to me. i'm like the little girl who lost her dady's touch and blindfolding in this darkest strange place. take my hands and lead me to the colours of rainbow. take my blindfold off. that's all i ask for this time being. cause i'm too tired of crying. i know i should not to.

capek deh

i'm tired of trying
your teasing ain't enough
fed up of biding your time
when I don't get nothing back
and for what
when I don't get nothing back
man, I'm tired

battered

macam taik betul. seriously.
ingat aku nda pandai penat ka layan kerenah kau.
makin hari makin menjadi pula betebiat kau.
malas mau buat dosa.
malas mau tambah dosa.
eat your own shit, biatch!!!

macam taik betul hidup sekarang ni.
selagi tidak menangis, kelegaan tu nda kan pernah datang.
tapi aku cuba untuk jadi grown up.
aku sudah makin pandai pujuk diri.
pandai pujuk hati.
pandai tipu perasaan.
bukan susah pun semua tu.
macam yang kau ajar dulu.
isi kekosongan tu dengan buat benda.
kau mau aku macam mana lagi?
i wish i could curse my heart out here.
biar seantero dunia tau apa yang ada di lubuk minda ku.
then, baru nama aku akan naik untuk jumpa pengetua.
Malaysia.
kebebasan berkarya terbatas.
karya agung makhluk Tuhan paling seksi.

kau mau aku macam mana?
kau mau aku buat apa lagi?
kau mau sampai bila begini?
kau mau sakit yang macam mana lagi?
wahai hati, fahami tuan mu.
jangan kau dera dia lagi.

p/s: ya. memang aku bukan perempuan baik. tapi itu tidak buat kau jauh lebih baik dari aku.

the violet hour

she is reading The Diary of a Wimpy Kid to kill her time from thinking about him. but then she end up thinking about him more than concentrate reading the book. why? because it is his.

she try to listen to some random song like The Violet Hour so she could stop thinking about him. and again she only think about him more because the more she listen to that song, the more sense coming to her how that song talking about a person like him.

she decided to cook a carbonara today so when she eat, she won't think about him that much. actually, that is the stupidest thing she ever do. why? because spaghetti really bond them in some way that nobody will understand.

she then facebooking to connect to the outside world so she can talk to her friends. hoping she won't think about him anymore. she was wrong when all she did is browsing his profile and keep starring at his picture.

finally she write a new entry in her blog to let her mind free from his vision. but again, she was wrong. why? because here she is writing about him over and over again...;)

poor her

p/s: in the dark you tell me of a flower
that only bloom in the violet hour...

mahar mu terlalu mahal

i love when we suddenly do really crazy stupid things last night. for God sake, what the hell a 24 and 25 years old little lady doing in car talking. like we don't have a place called home. in fact, we don't. ;p

i bought a tub of mint ice cream but forgot the spoon. then we talk about some random things in our life lately. how man are cow sometimes. how a friend can turn to be a bitch when it comes to man. how i used to be such a naughty girl. none of us really sober that time. we're both drunk with memory. as we talk, the ice cream melting in the tub. because we too lazy to eat it using our finger. we put our feet to orca's glass face. it end up full with a foot print. like a dog paw. only sexier. when i put a titanic hand gesture, she said i'm crazy. but actually it's fun. watching your hands running on the glass. bodoh. then we come to the real deal. how come an average man are not melting to a girl like me. hahahaha...i'm like the sexiest creature God ever created. perasan. let's face it. i know that i have this power to turn man on by just smiling at him. not moving further. not even sending a little flirtation. not even sending a body gesture. i'm 25 and i know what i'm talking about. but to him, it's like i don't have any effect. affectless. i don't know. maybe because i never done those things to him. we usually talking about silly things. or maybe he's different. in terms of what, i still don't know. perhaps in terms of the type of guy i used to date.

we're both come with a sadden conclusion. we have an option. whether he loves to wait longer or he is gay. eat it. sekian.

monolog

kau pernah rasa Tuhan itu tidak adil?
kau pernah rasa Tuhan tidak jawab doa kau?

aku selalu.

tapi bila ingat aku selalu dapat apa yang hati aku desire, terus cancel that kind of thoughts.
terus insaf.
terus royan datang dan buat-buat menangis walau pun air mata tidak pandai keluar.
maka terpaksa la berkurung dalam kereta di garaj waktu maghrib sampai tiada orang sedar.

Tuhan itu maha adil. Dia tidak jawab sekarang sebab mau jawab nanti malam-malam sikit.
jadi bila bangun pagi besok, hari boleh di mula kan dengan senyuman walau pun mata agak bengkak dan berelung.
itu perkara biasa.
sering terjadi.

p/s: sebenar nya aku mau tulis benda lain.

jatuh itu sakit kalau tidak bersambut

if i'm falling like a leaf,
falling like a star,
falling into you,
catch me, don't let me drop,
love me, don't ever stop...



p/s: find the therapy for no matter how hurt it feel when nobody catches your fall...

jangan

saya tidak kacau kau.
tidak kacau barang kau.
tidak kacau hidup kau.
apatah lagi kacau emosi kau.
psychology kau.

jadi kau jangan sikit pun calar hidup saya.
siap kau!!!


p/s: saya tau saya bukan perempuan baik. silap saya pasti kelihatan. silap orang lain pasti tertapuk. yang jahat semua nya pasti saya. tidak kira jika di lihat dari sudut mana pun. tidak percaya? tanya diri kau. macam mana kau selalu judge saya.

the book

"Sometimes I feel like I understand the divinity of this world but then I lose it because I get distracted by my petty desires and fears. I want to be with God all the time. But I don't want to be a monk or totally give up worldly pleasures. I guess what I want to learn is how to live in this world and enjoy its delights but also devote myself to God."

-the book Eat, Pray, Love. Coming out in cinemas 30 Sept 2010


want to watch this movie with you. as i said, you and me. just us two...;)


update:
mau tengok sendiri supaya boleh nangis puas-puas time ending dia sampai bengkak mata. baru boleh sedar hidup sebenar tidak kan sama macam cerita dalam novel yang di filem kan. satu hal yang pasti, hidup elizaberth sendiri banyak di tokok tambah dalam novel ini. that's for sure. macam aku tidak pernah belajar penulisan biography dalam kelas literature dulu.

sampai bila?

another complain i received yesterday. i guess it's not official until the admin is calling me. i'm waiting. and i feel like a shit right now. wtf!!! tidak pandai habis.
the thing is i like to come home late at night when we going out to Sandakan or wherever it is. yeah, i love that. so what if i keep doing that. i'm just a kid. i'm having the time of my life right now. if you don't have yours, don't blame me. your choice, mate. what really get me is how on earth all the admin know about it? tak boleh tengok orang senang ka?
i don't think i would mind if you come home late every night when you are living in a hostel with the students. you are not a students. and so am i. there's no rules to be followed. there's no superior to be obey as long as you know what you are doing. then come the real reason: YOU ARE A TEACHER. KIDS LOOK UP ON YOU. i was a kid before and i never care if my teacher love to clubbing. i used to have a gay teacher. a speed racer. a marriage-wrecker teacher. a teacher who has his/her own night life. that doesn't bother me at all. because to me it's all their business. it's their personal. and i think my students here doesn't care about me coming home late or whatever. i know them better than you. and they know me well enough. and yeah, more than YOU. that's the different. they the one who should judge me. not YOU the stupid fella who listen to what other people say about me and blindly believe it. GROW UP OLD FOLKS.
another thing is, until right now i still don't understand one thing about this place. it's ok for other people to do bad things. but when i'm the one who did it, it's like i just commit the worse crime ever. i guess they love me more. and it is their way to show me their tender loving care. by overprotecting me, criticizing me, bad talking me, eying me every single time. exactly.
give some space for me to breath. you're putting me under your CCTV. give me some time to grow up. be a mature person. but not this way. please. that's all i ask.

berahi dan naik nafsu syahwat

sejak zaman itu lagi sampai kini tidak pandai habis mengidam kan nya.

hasil-hasil persenyawaan minda dan keinginan

nikmati suka
berbagi duka
seiring dengan mu
aku bahagia

life ain't easy babe!!!

terutama buat perempuan seperti ku.
so little time so much to do.

hidup sebagai seorang guru tidak ada seronok nya lately. di timbuni kerja-kerja yang patut di kerja kan lama dulu kali. bukan salah kerjaya. salah guru itu sendiri. ya. aku tau. guru malas itu aku. rasa macam makan gaji buta saja.

hidup di bukit garam itu tidak ada best nya lately kecuali bila malam menjelma. boleh tidur dan berehat. harus terus berfikir untuk membuat keputusan akan tinggal di mana tahun depan. patut lari lebih awal sebelum nama naik menjadi calon warden untuk tahun depan.

hidup dalam ruang ini lagi tidak seronok lately. tiga hari pulang, sekali pun tidak pernah bercakap. di sekolah juga begitu. seolah-olah masing-masing guru baru yang belum berkenalan. malu untuk bertegur sapa. oh, itu kejadian biasa.

hidup perempuan ku jauh lebih worse than anything. hormonal. tidak. bukan sebab PMS. tapi sebab rasa gatal sangat mau kawin. kenapa? sebab aku bosan hidup sendiri. bosan satu bilik dengan fizzy. bukan boleh hug dia pun kalau tidur. hahaha...sebenar nya mau kawin supaya boleh gigit lengan dia.



mari lah bersama
jalani cinta kita apa ada nya

macam best.
memang.
tiba-tiba berkenan lagu ni.

let's get intimate

i don't know what happen to me. but everything seems bigger here. i need a new undies. cause M size can't fit me any longer. and sadly i said cup B no longer can hold my humble chest. please don't tell me i have to get at least cup C. where is the nearest sorella?

current financial status: almost broke.
> got myself and mama new bed sheet from Aussino.
> need to send orca for his second service this friday.
> should i say more about my weakness in handling money?

p/s: yes..i am fasting..

p/s/s: you, :|

strength

feels like

want to run my finger on his hair
want to touch him
want to be in his embrace
want to lean on his shoulder


p/s: Ya Allah, teguh kan iman tipis ku ini...


when you flash up on my phone
i no longer feel alone

my lullaby

whoever you are, you should be proud because i want to be a cater to you. something i rarely do for anyone.

Let me help you
Take off your shoes
Untie your shoe strings
Take off your cufflinks
What you wanna eat boo?
Let me feed you
Let me run your bathwater
Whatever your desire, I'll supply yuh
Sing you a song
Turn my game on
I'll brush your hair
Help you put your do-rag on
Want a foot-rub?
You want a manicure?
Baby I'm yours, I want to cater to you boy

Let me cater to you
'Cause baby this is your day
Do anything for my man
Baby you blow me away
I got your slippers, your dinner, your dessert and so much more
Anything you want just let me cater to you
Inspire me from the heart
Can't nothing tear us apart
You're all I want in a man
I put my life in your hands
I got your slippers, your dinner, your dessert and so much more
Anything you want, I want to cater to you

Baby I'm happy you're home
Let me hold you in my arms
I just wanna take the stress away from you
Making sure that I'm doing my part
Boy is there something you need me to do?
If you want it
Say the word
I know whatever I'm not fulfilling
Another woman is willing
I'm gonna fulfill your mind, body and spirit

I promise ya
I'll keep myself up
Remain the same chick
You fell in love with
I'll keep it tight, I'll keep my figure right
I'll keep my hair fixed, keep rockin' the hottest outfits
When you come home late tap me on my shoulder, I'll roll over
Baby I heard you, I'm here to serve you
If it's love you need to give it is my joy
All I want to do, is cater to you boy

I want to give you my breath, my strength, my will to be here
That's the least I can do
Let me cater to you
Through the good, the bad
The ups and the downs
I'll still be here for you
Let me cater to you
'Cause you're beautiful
I love the way you are
Fulfill your every desire
Your wish is my command
I wanna cater to my man
Your heart
So pure your love shines through
The darkness we'll get through
So much of me is you
I wanna cater to my man

yang ku mau

i guess this is just the age of where we talking a lot about marriage. we've been surrounded by recently married friends, engaged friends, preggy friends. not because of sangap. the main question is why we get married? is it just to make the illegal becomes legal? or just a symbol of love towards each other?

aku punya satu jawapan untuk tanya itu.
aku mau sentiasa ada untuk dia begitu juga mau kan dia sentiasa ada untuk ku.
aku penat untuk tidur sendiri setiap malam.
aku mau ada orang yang untuk aku panggil sayang.
aku mau ada sesorang yang aku boleh panggil 'yang, duduk sini' dan bila dia duduk, aku bisa meletak kan kepala ku di riba nya.
untuk dia mendengar tangis ku.
untuk dia mendengar ria ku.
aku perlu teman bila mana dia mengangkat tangan nya, aku bisa saja meletak kan kepala di ketiak nya sambil berbaring lena.
aku perlu paha atau juga lengan untuk aku gigit bila bulan itu datang dan aku jadi hormonal.
aku perlu lelaki yang bila aku tanya 'yang, how do i look today?' dia jawab 'you're looking good as ususal' sedang dia tidak mengangkat muka sikit pun untuk melihat ku.
aku perlu lelaki yang setiap hari membuat ku geram dengan sikap nya yang menyakit kan hati sedang dia la lelaki yang aku mau dampingi.
aku mau seseorang untuk aku bermain 'sleeping dictionary'.
aku perlu lelaki untuk menjadi booster kepada minda ku untuk mempelajari sesuatu yang baru kerana takut aku kelihatan bodoh di depan nya.
aku perlu seseorang untuk mengata kan 'yang, you smell like heaven' atau juga 'yang, you're my precious gift wrap in one magenta box'.
yang lebih sweet lagi bila melihat anak-anak riang bermain, di bisik kan nya pada ku 'thanks for giving me all this. you're my super woman'.

aku juga mau mendengar keluhan nya bila mana pulang dari kerja 'yang, PK calling me. it's been worse day of my entire life'.
atau juga untuk dia adu kan teman yang tidak lagi sekepala dengan nya.
aku mau tau apa isi hati nya. apa di benak nya. apa yang mengganggu nya.
aku mau set raga nya at ease.
aku mau bahu ku sentiasa ada untuk nya meletak kan kepala saat sedih nya tidak tertanggung.
aku mau aku jadi apple of his eyes. walau pun aku bukan wanita teranggun di dunia, tapi di mata nya aku sentiasa indah biar pun hanya menyarung kan tank top dan boxer tanpa secalit mekap di wajah.
aku mau messy hair ku menjadi haruman pertama nya setiap hari.
aku mau melihat senyuman nakal nya di pagi jumaat ketika merenung aku yang sibuk menukar bed sheet.
aku mau prepare every meal untuk dia every single day. terus terang aku benci dia makan di luar. apatah lagi di rumah orang.
aku mau hasil tangan ku tersarung kemas di badan nya.
cukup setakat ini. macam maid sudah.

aku tau manusia berkahwin bukan untuk itu semua. tapi aku mau itu untuk nya.

i need someone who can make me laugh with his silly jokes and who laugh at mine. aku suka tawa mu tiap kali kebodohan ku terserlah atau juga aku mangata kan sesuatu yang mencuit hati mu.

bau ck crave itu terlalu menggiur kan walau pun itu bukan bau mu.


p/s: aku mau ada untuk kau. always. bukan macam sekarang.

current addiction

can i milk your banana?
;p

when?

a friend of mine, nope...a friend of fizzy turn to be my friend. yeah, she's my friend too then. she's getting pregnant. 5 weeks now. bless you.

it makes us wondering when is our turn. i can't wait any longer. i want to know what it feels like having something inside my tummy. need to bring it everywhere i go. the morning sick. the swelling feet and hands. the kick. the suddenly being such a giant monster with big belly. the hormonal things. the throwing tantrum. the caring husband. the loving family. the overprotected mum and in-law. the you can't do that, you can't do this. the i want this, i want that. the can you help me with this, can you help me with that. okie enough. i know right.

the two women i adore much with their giant belly

hey!!! it's free to daydream, right?

p/s: suddenly shorter husband look chooo damn cool. damn sexy. damn alluring..;)

easy

he: sudah makan?

and yeah, just like that you make my heart full of flowers. wild orchid.
senang kan? cukup perempuan.

dady pyan

tidak tau macam mana petang kemarin tayar belakang orca boleh pancit. mungkin dugaan di bulan ramadhan. pada hal dia duduk diam saja di garage. masa keluar pigi bazaar tu baru perasan.
what really caught me and fizzy's attention is when i called pyan telling him about it, just like that he's there. totally 'guardian' pyan. i no longer should worry about being alone here.
pyan is always there for me. he's always there for us. just like big dady.
pyan, i love you to bits.

you, its name is orca. lama dulu sudah bagi nama.

blow me a kiss

keep repeating in my playlist. please blame pyan's stereo.

this message bursting tears to me.
membaca blog mu buat aku banyak berfikir...sejauh manakah semangat seorang wanita itu untuk membuka hati seorang lelaki yang sangat dicintai....??? aku pasti ikuti kisah kamu....doaku semoga kalian bersatu dalam dalam satu Lafaz yang sah......siapapun dia...dari mana pun dia....andai dia memang tercipta untukmu,....kalian pasti bersatu....cuma 1 pesanku wahai sahabat....bila hati sudah mula sayang...siapkan lah hati itu untuk terluka...kerana adanya rasa sayang pasti adanya rasa luka....

wahai pemilik nama NOOR ZILA MARSDEN....
kau diciptakan sesempurna mata memandang....kau hadir dalam segenap alam manapun...kau mampu untuk berdiri di atas kaki sendiri.....

andai saja dia tau aku tidak mungkin sekuat apa yang di sangka. berapa kali aku tumbang di depan-Nya. penguat semangat hanya mama dan kamu-kamu semua especially k.b18, kawan baik dan sahabat karib. kehadiran adam dalam hidup ku bukan juga masalah besar. ia cuma membantu untuk spice up things. cuma aku wanita biasa. kadang-kadang mendamba kan kasih sayang adam. kadang-kadang perlu teman untuk berkongsi apa yang tidak boleh di kongsi dengan kalian. ada masa nya aku mau bertebiat minta puji. aku perlu orang untuk melayan rajuk ku. aku perlu riba untuk meletak kan kepala bila mana hidup menjadi begitu kejam. aku perlu shoulder to lean on. aku mau mendengar luahan hati nya whenever life become so unfair to him. atau juga sekadar untuk menerima text dari nya mengata kan 'work sucks'. mungkin juga untuk mengadu betapa sukar untuk mendidik bahasa Inggeris di kawasan luar bandar. ya, mungkin itu saja buat masa ini. selebih nya biar DIA yang atur.

p/s: aku makin jiwang. mungkin saja dia tau button mana yang perlu di tekan untuk mengeluar kan the softer side of me.

diabolic

he: ular itu penawar bagi wanita.
me: penawar apa la?
he: penawar dosa.
me: napa pula.
he: bila mati teda sudah buat dosa.
me: napa begitu kejam?

asyik.

me: jom kita kahwin. nda payah la bercinta.
he: haha..aku tunggu di pinang.

if only i were Siti Khadijah.

budak

masuk lapan bulan sekarang ni dan aku rasa kami makin larut bersama. aku senang dengan dia dan dia juga mungkin senang dengan aku. tidak tau mana yang lebih betul. mungkin aku yang lebih senang dengan nya. ya di awal dulu aku mungkin punya sedikit rasa ragu terhadap nya. aku kan aku. selalu buat assumption sendiri bila mulai kenal orang. menurut nya assumption ku bukan boleh pakai pun. agak banyak juga benda yang kami lalui bersama. dia pandai simpan rahsia. susah senang mulai mengerat kan bond kami. persamaan? jauh sekali. physically pun orang sudah mampu tebak. mungkin. kami ibarat nasi lemak dengan lasagna. beda. aku memang sukar buat perasaan dan diri ku akrab dengan orang. aku selalu bina gap di sebalik sikap ku yang ramah. tapi dia buat aku pecah kan benteng tu sedikit demi sedikit.
aku suka dia. jarang ada manusia yang bercakap tanpa mau menjaga hati ku. dia telus bila bercakap dengan aku. baik buruk ku semua keluar dari mulut nya. pagi tadi lepas sahur kami memperkata kan tentang sesuatu dan dia tanpa segan silu bercakap keburukan ku. langsung tidak memikir kan kemungkinan yang aku akan kecil hati. aku rasa dia sedia maklum kata-kata nya tidak akan membuat ku kecil hati. aku bilang 'kau la manusia yang selalu terus terang dengan aku, kau nda kira pun mau jaga hati ku'. dia jawab 'circle kita ni nda besar. kalau bukan aku, sepa lagi mau tegur kau'. aku pernah bilang kan dulu kalau dia yang nasihat aku, bisa buat aku rasa mau menangis. tapi aku akan sedaya upaya control macho di depan nya. aku rasa Tuhan hantar dia untuk bentuk aku jadi manusia yang better dari sebelum nya. ya sekali lagi aku bilang aku suka dia. aku paling suka paksaan dalam kelembutan nya. heran. aku bukan jenis dengar cakap orang. tidak kira la itu demi kebaikan atau keburukan. aku biasa nya buat benda ikut suka hati ku. aku paling suka 'kau sudah subuh? jangan tidur dulu'. 'nda payah la tu mau buat baju begitu. baju kurung tu kalau boleh kasi besar sikit'. 'sudah-sudah la tu zila, lima bulan sudah aku kenal kau'. sot!!! lagi pelik bila aku hanya akan yakin untuk memecut orca sampai 130km/j bila dia yang duduk di sebelah. bila bapa tanya dia tentang pemanduan ku, dia jawab 'tidak laju juga. 60x2 ja'. lucu. dia sentiasa yakin ikut ke mana aku pigi dalam apa keadaan pun. aku resap kan kegilaan ku dalam diri nya. dia ikut. tapi diri nya macam ada filter untuk tapis kegilaan itu. tidak seluruh nya di sedut. mana yang buruk di buang dan cuba untuk dia bersih kan.
hari tu pyan bilang 'baik dia sama kau tu zila'. aku goes like 'ya la. napa? aku jahat sama dia ka?'. lupa, kami juga berkongsi jejaka yang sama. haha.. tidak. bukan begitu. dia belahan jiwa teman akrab anak kesayangan mama, pyan. aku ingat bila pyan start date dia, kami akan jadi lain. ya la. mungkin pyan sedikit sebanyak akan menghindar dari ku. tapi tidak. malahan dia yang menasihati pyan 'jangan la lain dengan zila. treat dia sama juga dengan sebelum ni'. aku rasa tidak kan ada perempuan yang mampu tahan tengok pasangan nya di dampingi perempuan gedik macam aku. mungkin dia sudah cukup kenal hati budi ku. dia cukup tau rasa yang aku rasa dengan lelaki. mungkin dia juga sudah mampu melihat dari perspektif ku tentang lelaki. mungkin juga dia cukup tau keinginan ku terhadap lelaki itu. dia juga dapat beza kan antara love dan lust dari sisi mata ku.
dia pernah bilang yang dia adalah kembar ku. di mana ada dia, di situ ada aku. mungkin juga. at least dia ada untuk aku bila mana kau sakit kan aku. cuma satu aku minta. apa yang aku ada sekarang jangan di ambil. jangan ada yang pisah kan kami. aku serius ni.

lupa mau bilang. aku bercakap tentang budak kecik itu. budak kecik yang menjadi cinta sahabat karib ku. conversation pagi ini yang membuat aku untuk menulis tentang nya.
budak kecik dan sahabat karib, aku dengan mama antara orang yang akan doa kan kamu bersama.

let's bend our belly button for things happen yesterday and this morning

last night was his turn.
and today is my turn.
i did not do it in purpose.
tapi dia sengaja cari pasal pagi ini.
sengaja mengasi sakit hati sedang kan dia cukup tau benda tu memang senang mengguris hati.
text ku berbaur amarah berselubung cemburu.
sedang text nya pagi ini berbaur kemenangan berjaya menyakit kan hati ku.
macam orang senteng ja dua-dua.

baru ingat mau cakap kau cute sangat semalam bila merajuk.
tapi bila kena balas pagi ini, turn off terus.
kau selalu jahat.
napa begitu kejam?

p/s: macam sedap tau tu mee goreng.

like

baru perasan hari ini bila belek-belek facebook.
dia like comment k.b.18 yang di copy paste dari entry blog ku.
cute pula lelaki itu.
buat aku rasa teruja.
:)