Monday, March 28, 2011

brutal heart

ode to a nightingale

My heart aches, and a drowsy numbness pains
My sense, as though of hemlock I had drunk,
Or emptied some dull opiate to the drains
One minute past, and Lethe-wards had sunk:
'Tis not through envy of thy happy lot,
But being too happy in thine happiness, -
That thou, light-winged Dryad of the trees,
In some melodious plot
Of beechen green and shadows numberless,
Singest of summer in full-throated ease.

O, for a draught of vintage! that hath been
Cool'd a long age in the deep-delved earth,
Tasting of Flora and the country green,
Dance, and Provençal song, and sunburnt mirth!
O for a beaker full of the warm South,
Full of the true, the blushful Hippocrene,
With beaded bubbles winking at the brim,
And purple-stained mouth;
That I might drink, and leave the world unseen,
And with thee fade away into the forest dim:

Fade far away, dissolve, and quite forget
What thou among the leaves hast never known,
The weariness, the fever, and the fret
Here, where men sit and hear each other groan;
Where palsy shakes a few, sad, last gray hairs,
Where youth grows pale, and spectre-thin, and dies;
Where but to think is to be full of sorrow
And leaden-eyed despairs,
Where Beauty cannot keep her lustrous eyes,
Or new Love pine at them beyond to-morrow.

Away! away! for I will fly to thee,
Not charioted by Bacchus and his pards,
But on the viewless wings of Poesy,
Though the dull brain perplexes and retards:
Already with thee! tender is the night,
And haply the Queen-Moon is on her throne,
Cluster'd around by all her starry Fays;
But here there is no light,
Save what from heaven is with the breezes blown
Through verdurous glooms and winding mossy ways.

I cannot see what flowers are at my feet,
Nor what soft incense hangs upon the boughs,
But, in embalmed darkness, guess each sweet
Wherewith the seasonable month endows
The grass, the thicket, and the fruit-tree wild;
White hawthorn, and the pastoral eglantine;
Fast fading violets cover'd up in leaves;
And mid-May's eldest child,
The coming musk-rose, full of dewy wine,
The murmurous haunt of flies on summer eves.

Darkling I listen; and, for many a time
I have been half in love with easeful Death,
Call'd him soft names in many a mused rhyme,
To take into the air my quiet breath;
Now more than ever seems it rich to die,
To cease upon the midnight with no pain,
While thou art pouring forth thy soul abroad
In such an ecstasy!
Still wouldst thou sing, and I have ears in vain -
To thy high requiem become a sod.

Thou wast not born for death, immortal Bird!
No hungry generations tread thee down;
The voice I hear this passing night was heard
In ancient days by emperor and clown:
Perhaps the self-same song that found a path
Through the sad heart of Ruth, when, sick for home,
She stood in tears amid the alien corn;
The same that oft-times hath
Charm'd magic casements, opening on the foam
Of perilous seas, in faery lands forlorn.

Forlorn! the very word is like a bell
To toll me back from thee to my sole self!
Adieu! the fancy cannot cheat so well
As she is fam'd to do, deceiving elf.
Adieu! adieu! thy plaintive anthem fades
Past the near meadows, over the still stream,
Up the hill-side; and now 'tis buried deep
In the next valley-glades:
Was it a vision, or a waking dream?
Fled is that music: - Do I wake or sleep?

looking for his smell...

Saturday, March 12, 2011

what excite me

satu kelebihan mengajar sesi pagi ialah bila jumaat tiba. saya boleh terus memecut pulang ke tawau dan spend satu malam lebih awal berbanding mengajar sesi petang. seawal pukul 4 kelmarin saya sudah berada di rumah. heaven bukan?
tapi bukan itu cerita sebenar. saya pulang sendiri kelmarin. budak kecik right behind me. tidak sanggup untuk bersama-sama memecut kereta 60-70km/j. hujan agak lebat sepanjang perjalanan dari bukit garam ke lahad datu. setiba nya di lahad datu, hujan sudah berhenti. now this is the real deal. keluar dari shell perdana, saya diiringi vios SS8**** K. i don't even know this guy and that damn car. but something caught my attention. the driver. he is a young bold guy. quite sexy in my eyes. tidak juga handsome. tapi ada kan jenis lelaki yang makin pandang makin handsome. atau lebih senang cakap, makin terserlah kejantanan di wajah nya. ya. saya biasa nya akan melt dengan lelaki seperti ini. dia seperti ingin cepat. saya pun memerlahan kan kenderaan untuk dia memotong. dia overtake saya. but then when he's right in front of me, suddenly he slow down his car and wave his hand signaled me to overtake him. and i was like whattafish he trying to do. i just ignore him. but he keep waving and signaling me to overtake him. so i did overtake him. stupidly, i slow down my car. i can see he smiling and laughed through my mirror. cute. it excited me a little bit. this silly thing we keep doing. macam bangang ja dua-dua. lama tidak rasa perasaan itu. perasaan bodoh. tau? faham? tidak kan? saya memang suka benda bodoh begini. but driving slow bored me. so i overtake the next car in front living him alone behind. surprisingly, dia bodoh-bodoh pun ikut overtake and when he right behind me, he highlighted me and smiling. cukup bodoh. dan bila penat saya pun biar dia begitu dan cuba ikut rentak nya. saya pun enjoy the moment spending my time checking him out through my mirror. naughty smile with a long straight nose. i think he is mix. lama sudah tidak jumpa lelaki kacak. everyone here, i mean in bukit garam have this very typical Sungai face or some Malay face.
i have this boy in my drama team which i think is so handsome. street smart look. cute with his glasses but when he is without, he looks totally ordinary. weird right how simple accessory can do big different to someone's face. but still he do look handsome. and i like his sort-of-carrot pants. it makes he looks like someone from the indie band. by the way, if anyone from school is reading this, go check him out at 4 Anggerik class. his name is Tahashshunan. see...even his name sound so erotic. haha.

home is heaven. because abang man is in leave for two days to attend his wife's niece's wedding and we can spend some time together. i like talking to him. we're having fun laughing last night while watching Animal Planet. his favorite. suddenly he asked me, how's my favorite guy. and i kinda not in the mood to talk about him. so i just said he is doing good and we doing just fine. nothing interesting happen this whole month and we spend our time try to live our life in our own. it's actually more to me trying to live without talking much to him. and i softly said to abang man that i miss someone i can called my man. so to soothe the tense, i laughed and deny it. again yeah, i miss him badly.

p/s: despite all the things that excite me, still i wish it is not that vios right behind my back. i secretly wish it's che maznah...;)

Friday, March 11, 2011

man

nice kan lelaki yang groom? i mean the not-gay one. a straight guy who take care of everything. from the cleanness to the smell and the most updated fashion. nice.

mau satu, boleh? mana mau cari?

again, i miss his smell. and i miss him.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

imagination running wild

it would be great if i have a kitchen like this later. i won't mind spending 24/7 in the kitchen cooking and experimenting. no. i won't mind sitting at the table waiting for him to cook or even just starring at him cooking. that would be sexier. man in kitchen totally turn me on. damn!!! imagine he was standing there wearing a boxer and a white pagoda complete with an apron holding a scoop making dinner for me, suddenly he turn around and i can see a food over his mouth and all i have to do is move closer to him, bent a little bit and lick his mouth. a short lick that lead to long nice kiss perhaps. yeay!!! too much imagination. or maybe all i have to do is waiting for him and do what i do best: to be feed. haha...nice kan? enough la, dey!!!

p/s: i miss that smell. i miss talking to him. i miss his cooking. it's been ages since he cooked for me. damn...sulking is taking into a new level of stupidity. Gowd!!! i miss him.

p/s/s: just now i'm teaching my students using the British accent and they kind of like it. they said i sound like the guys from Harry Potter. i like when they enjoy my lesson. we should do this more often...;)

Thursday, March 3, 2011

seeking

Happy Birthday big daddy, Mr. Marsden Abden. you matters a lot to me. i won't promise anything right now cause i know how hard keeping a little words i said.

so they said blogging is one way of seeking attention or in my current term: melacur perhatian. if you asked me why i blog, i don't have many reason. i blog because i can get therapy for free. seriously, other than your bestest friend, who wants to listen to your rant? rambling, mumbling, whining? especially me. i talk lots and lots of stupid things every day. don't think budak kecik can stand me. not even my own parents. when i'm having bad day at home, instead of letting me ramble about my stupid day, daddy usually goes like "i think it's time for you to spend some time out of the house". then i understand what he meant. and then i start blogging two or three years ago. like i said, this isn't my first blog. i deactivated the others because it's pack and loaded with my idiotique moment. to tell you the truth, i do feel a little regret for deleting it. blog is totally a repository. writing is one way of recording my thoughts, things happened. documenting every single thing of life no matter how mean it can be sometimes. i know some day when i grow old and this thing still here, i would have a blast reading back my story. i don't care if people say bad things about me for being so open about my feelings, my thoughts about every thing. saying that i'm such barefaced talking about my 'tangoing alone'. i don't care. at least some day when i read back what i wrote, i'll be laughing my arse out. or at least it can remind me of him and all the memories we shared. how he used to cook for me. texting me with a sweet little thing that only us can understand. it is indeed will remind me how much i love his smell or how i adore his sexy ass. definitely will remind me of how a friends used to say that i have such a bad taste to fall for him. but in case we're meant to be together, things will be different i guess. this blog for sure will be a reminder for me when things turn so ugly on my side later, it'll remind me how much i want him. maybe. anything is possible, right?
or maybe one day i'll be the principal or whatever the superior is, when i read back about my early years of teaching, it'll remind me how i used to be such ill-disciplined teacher back in my younger years. why am i writing something like this? as if i'm going to die or something.

while having lunch at the school canteen just now with two not-so-new male teacher, we're having some argument about me not taking a good care of budak kecik and caused her sick. i start questioning who's cooking dinner every night and taking care of her well being. and suddenly this male teacher said "hey, i'm looking for a girl. it seems like i have to reject both of you because you keep asking each other the good things you do to yourself". i laughed cause it's totally funny to me. budak kecik out of the blue said "take her. take her. she's single". i was like whattaFendi. i secretly pray that this male teacher won't fall for it. he is single. actually both of them are single. you know i don't like people having that kind of feeling towards me. it makes me feel awkward. before things turn out not-so-beautiful, let's pretend that we don't have any affection, shall we...;)

lately being single doesn't bother me at all. as long as big bird is still single and always be there for me, it's fine. it is really fine actually cause i love be around him. no. i like when he's around me. it makes me feel safer. it's like he is my protector. i don't know which one is which. whenever we talk together, just the two of us, i feel like i'm talking to a soul mate. he understand me the way i want to be understood. it's like he is the male version of me. we even can complete each other sentences. as if we can read each other's mind. but i just couldn't feel the spark between us. he is more than a friend to me but less than him because my heart is always belong to him. confused me. haha.
talking about him, i miss him so much. it's totally killing me to not talking to him. not be able to be close to him when that smell of him seductively lingering my surrounding. i so hate the fact that i can't say how sexy is he today or just to say that his tie doesn't match his shirt. how he not supposed to wear that loose pants again cause it never look good on him. the fact that i prohibit myself to text him wishing his 'every month' birthday, commenting his fb, liking his picture is so damn stupid. he just don't know how much i want to spend some time to talk our stupid things or just saying bad things about other people and laugh about it. and when he talk to me, it's like i want him to talk more even if it's just some official business. whenever i caught his eyes on me, i feel like want to run to him and asking him to say sorry to me. at least stop being a jerk and admit he hurt me. that's all i want actually. a little sorry. an apology.


p/s: jelaskan.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

home coming queen

i don't know this girl but lately i spent my time reading her blog. it excites me in a weird way. all she talks about was her day at school and her boyfriend. i feel like i want to steal the boyfriend from her. it's not like she posted his picture or whatever to make me in love with that guy. the way she described him. the attitude. the silliness. the funniness in him makes me want him more and more. he so stupid but she is one damn lucky girl to have someone like him.

it is so unfair for me when others start doing wrong things but never get caught by the highest because no one care to report about it. and when i'm the one who did it, i'm sure the next thing you know, i'll be in the Principal's room answering every single question. i'm not complaining or whatever. it's just please open your eyes. see what you supposed to see. not seeing what do you want to see. for example, i noticed this particular girl likes to wear kurung moden. the one that hugging your body tightly. but no one is complaining about her. NO ONE. and it remind me when i'm still new here, i used to wear that kind of kurung (i still wear it until right now though) i've been called to the superior's room. so i told a guy friend about this. he said something stupid that makes me want to slap him but i just couldn't because he did make a point. he said that girl did not bother anyone at all as she's having not-so-curvy body. and according to him, when i'm the one who wear something like that, every penis in the school will be distracted by me. i was like whattafish are you talking about? she's a girl and i'm a girl. so what's the different? and he said try to see it in a boy's eyes. well, i could not blame you neither blaming me. it's a gift. haha...

it's not like i love to minta puji or whatever. but every day is like a home coming season and i'm the home coming queen. i used to tell him that i'm their home coming queen and guess what i've got? a smirk. i know he could not agree more with the students...;p i'm bumping to a students almost every day at school and it is never a day i missed such a compliment saying how i look pretty today. how good my baju kurung is. how i should wearing kurung cotton every day cause it looks cute on me. how glowing i am. i'm flattered. i do. but the problem is, i'm kind of shy whenever they said good things in front of others. yes. it is indeed the truth. i'm a shy cat. you can't just go and say good things to me in front of the others. i'll get tongue tied and blushing. but it is never a wrong things to dress up. i always make sure that my clothes are pressed and look neat and tidy. it is a nice thing to know that such tiny things like looking good can make a difference. i am not a person who like to spend hours getting ready to school. i always late because i have problem in time management in shower. i am a rather simple person who keeps accesorizing minimal. i don't wear heavy make up. not even a foundation or blusher. i'm just using Loreal White Perfect with Silky White Magic Face Powder. a lipstick and eyeliner. well, that's me. it still nice to see all the students excited. i'm used to the younger ones telling me i look pretty cause they like to say nice things. but the older ones are a little bit reserved especially the upper six. so when they gave that kind of unexpected response, it's not really surprised me...;p but it do made me feel so very happy...;)


Monday, February 28, 2011

butter to my bread

when i'm sitting at the bench outside Head of Department room this morning, i've been distracted by a smell. i was like God, please stop torturing me with this smell. suddenly i saw him coming out from the HEM room. again i was like God, why you grant me with this smell's gift.
i miss that smell. i hate that smell. i love that smell. it's like he purposely torturing me with that smell. keep using it every day when he well aware how much i love that smell. you know what it feels like when you like something but you're not allowed to touch it, to be near to it, to be close to it, to be able enjoying every moment of it just because you're such Ego Maniac. just because you're the most Stubborn Rebellious Princess. just because you're the Sulking Queen.

p/s: not talking to each other give me more space to enjoy the art of peeking. secretly enjoying that sexy ass. the move every time he walks. the tight pants holding that yummilicious roundy thing. i like it.
shit!!! i sound like a pervert enjoying girl's body. seriously, am i a girl or a guy?

Sunday, February 27, 2011

another not-so-practical Sunday

so here i am alone in house again. budak kecik is going to LD. i'm just tired to go anywhere. after three days of school sports day, three days of holiday seems not enough to regain all the energy and all the noon nap that i've missed. budak kecik is officially no longer a matron anymore. and that allows us to spend 24/7 together. as if we were couple. yuck!!! haha...

i got a new hair cut last friday. nothing new actually. a fringe with a slightly longer bob. this time around, i just went to the salon, taking all my guts to cut it without asking permission or some opinion from anyone. not even him. though i know how much he likes a girl with a long hair. seriously, does it makes any different? no, right? OMG!!! i'm so brave. haha...i'm happy with the new look cause i look a little bit younger. not saying that i am old right now. so it is true when they said that making some changes to yourself can bring a new energy. a positive force to you. i kinda feel it right now.

remember when i said i start losing weight lately? budak kecik said i look bidak in my cotton pants now. i should firming my body. should do the hill sprint to make sure my butt stay firmer. weight gaining? it's not that hard for me. all i need is a glass of milk and a pack of cookies right before bed time.

too many things happen lately. i so hate hectic chaotic life. even hate the fact that i have to pretend that i like everyone here when actually i curse every time i saw their faces. and whenever i have to talk to certain people, and they treat me nicely, in my heart i feel like 'enough la...stop acting like i don't know what kind of crap you were talking behind my back'. i hate that feeling. why can't anyone be like me? you know when i don't like somebody, i just stop making any contact to them. i won't talk. i won't see their faces. i seldom hate people. only when they do bad things to me then i realize that and i stop be nice and be mean instead. daddy keep asking me to stop acting that way. saying that i am big enough to acting like a child. but i just couldn't. i'm not a kid anymore where i can pretend to be their friends so that i can have a friends to play around. plus, when they no longer a friend to me, it just gives me another reason to talk bad things about them without feeling guilty that i bad talking my own friends. haha. cool kan?

dani asked me yesterday about our little argument that leads to cold-shoulder war. i kind of what? who told you all of this? he didn't said anything but chuckles. off course he was the one who told dani. who else kan? so he did realize about that. that means he knows that it hurts me a lot when he treat me that way. hey!!! i never yell to you. i talk to you nicely. always. all the time. not one time i raise my voice to you. not even when i'm in PMS. is it wrong for me when i expect you to at least treat me the same way i do even when you're not in a good mood? compare to me, in a one whole month how many times did you face mood swing? none. or at least once. me? i'm having PMS a week before the menses and a week after the menses. 14 days and plus another 7-8 days of mood swing during the menses. that makes 21-22 days of 30 in a month. so now you tell me in that time, did i ever yell at you? did i ever make you as my punching bag whenever i'm mad at the students? did i ever treat you badly even when the world start to be such a diabolic to me? now you tell me!!!
ya saya sangat kecik hati dengan kamu. dan saya juga tahu kamu bukan kisah.

p/s: got to go. have to:
1. shower.
2. can i just pretend that it's not my time to cook for lunch today?
3. calling mum to ask for the winter melon chicken soup recipe. (it's raining season again here. i just want to make sure that every one of us stay healthy and not caught any flu or cough)
4. preparing lesson plan for my observation tomorrow.
5. start packing my stuff before moving to Perumahan next week. (mati la. punya banyak barang. should have listen to mum when she said i should stop buying things i don't need)

hey!!! i have not take my breakfast yet.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

ramble

have a talk last night with pendekar laut via phone call. not that serious actually. we're gossiping. talking some random stuff about school and life. damn, i miss that guy. we not actually gossiping but more to mengutuk. but the gang is not enough. squidward should be there too. menambah perencah. it's been a long time since i have this kind of talk. budak kecik not so jahat mulut. she seems against this attitude. big bird lagi la. as long as that someone did not talk bad thing about him in front of him, he won't say a lot. such a kind heart person. though pendekar laut no longer in school with us, he still up date with things happen here. we talk and talk and talk. suddenly he mention the new rank of 'bidakness' in school. i'm laughing my arse out. just can't control myself. how can he think of something like that. that's totally brilliant. i never thought of something mean like that. that means i'm such a nice person too. haha. i am an angel after all. only the slutty version of it...;p
it's saturday and here i am stuck in this place called bukit garam. it's even miracle to not going out to sandakan. today activities since i woke up this morning:
1. breakfast with budak kecik at some place they called heaven of nasi kuning and nasi lalap. my POV: the taste is close to heaven compare to ours.
2. house cleaning. it's totally a mess when the weekend come. i just don't have time to tidy it up during school days. i always in a rush since i woke up at 6 am every morning...;)
3. i should take a shower now cause i start to smell like a piglet. haha. not really. i smell ckin2u. bila ni perfume mau habis? masuk tahun ketiga sudah. i just love the smell of it till i use it before bed time. and the smell of aqua lily really awakening me in the morning.
4. have to call kak lin to place my order. she's in kL with the kids now.
5. have to call daddy to confirm some stuff regarding my bimboness.

the complete us during annual dinner last year
pingu+big bird+barbie+squidward+barney+pandekar laut+kelly
now all we need is zaza to be entertain.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

ya. saya sunyi.

kalau di ikut kan aku tidak la hairy mana pun. bukan macam certain perempuan yang punya bulu kaki dan tangan yang panjang. kalau itu aku mau. sebab buat tangan nampak lebih sexy. di mata aku.
the thing is bulu itu tumbuh di kawasan-kawasan larangan. contoh nya bermisai dan ada janggut sikit. kata barney, perempuan bermisai kuat sex. hebat teori dia. lebih sandi bila perut berbulu. ya. perut aku berbulu. sangat tidak menguja kan. kutuk la aku. tidak best kan?
aku rindu tengok ica pregnant. sebab bagi aku dia preggy mummy yang paling sexy aku pernah tengok. giant belly dia sangat menggiur kan. aku tidak pernah tertarik untuk menikah bila tengok orang kawin. jauh sekali hadiri majlis perkahwinan. tapi bila tengok perempuan pregnant, baby comel, toddler cute, rasa macam sekarang juga mau kawin. masuk bilik. kunci pintu. foreplay. make love. orgasm. dan 6 minggu selepas itu terima berita gembira. hebat. teruja. mau kawin bukan sebab lain tapi sebab mau itu. bila mau dapat? Tuhan, beri kan aku cinta please.
rasa tidak gembira lately sebab berat badan macam turun. kurus tidak begitu menggoda aku. aku kurang gemar bila tengok scale mencatat 52kg. aku mau lebih dari itu tapi tidak melintasi 58kg. kurung moden pun boleh zip sendiri sekarang. biasa nya terpaksa berhempas pulas semasa mengena kan nya. sah. terbukti. budak pun ada tegur. pinggang tecer makin kecik. off course la. rahsia nya, kurang kan pengambilan carbs. sapu kan lotion pati halia sebelum tidur setiap malam. dan yang paling penting, kurang kan mengumpat dan menyibuk hal orang. mengumpat kan ibarat makan daging orang yang sedang di perkata kan. apa guna susah payah menahan nafsu makan tapi mulut tidak pandai berhenti bau longkang. okey cukup. itu sahaja rahsia nya. sekarang mari pigi dapur minum segelas susu dan setengah paket oreo. heaven.
sekarang ni musim mengawan di sekolah. silap la. musim sukan. tapi hujan turun tanpa henti lately. padang jadi berlumpur. finally but getah yang di beli tahun lepas dapat di guna kan. hari ni sukan tara. aku sebagai ketua pencatat masa untuk acara sprint berkubang dengan budak kecik, amoi cantik dan beberapa lagi senior lain. budak cakap aku pigi menombak. hey!!! tecer kalau cuti di rumah pun ikut menombak okey. bila sukan begini, banyak remind aku dengan pendekar laut. kalau aku yang bff sahaja rindu kan dia, apa tah lagi budak kecik yang kekasih. aku rasa sukan yang paling best adalah sukan tahun lepas. satu sebab ketua dan penolong match. iswara: sporty. wira: cool. perdana: alim. satria: mesti la kacak dan cantik. haha. bukan la. outstanding. sebab paling bising mulut. walau pun kalah teruk, semangat kesukanan tu masih ada. itu yang paling penting dan perlu di terap kan. setan la. mengeramput saja. tapi squidward juga setuju dengan pendapat aku yang sukan tahun lepas best. sebab setelah bertahun-tahun bukit garam bersukan dalam hujan, tahun lepas cuaca cerah sepanjang 3 hari kejohanan. macam kena bless pula. itu tahun kami. segala-gala nya indah.
tadi petang sempat jumpa dani kejap. kalau tidak fikir itu dani tunangan orang, atau senang cakap kalau saja dani tu pingu atau big bird atau squidward, mau saja aku hug dan squeeze him tightly. sebab telampau sayang kawan macam dia. dani la satu-satu nya manusia yang bukan talam dua muka di bukit garam ni. tapi tadi dia bilang, sebenar nya dia la master mind dalam semua hal yang jadi. haha. macam aku tidak cukup kenal kau saja. dia terharu tapi tidak dapat menangis. lucu tu anak. innocent dan senang tertipu. naive. tapi selagi aku di bukit garam ni, i won't let anyone do anything to him.
ba...besok lagi la aku sambung mengeramput. jangan risau. aku sudah siap kan RPH di sekolah tadi. buku pun boleh marking di sekolah nanti. jadi adalah juga di nampak yang aku ni buat kerja. tidak la balik-balik nama kau kau dan kau ja yang naik sebagai guru berkaliber. kira nya bila pulang rumah aku punya banyak waktu untuk surfing. makan. besar kan pantat. dan buat aktiviti-aktiviti sihat seperti ukur katil dan cuci piring.

pendekar laut, squidward, kelly, barbie and pingu
masa ni barney belum ada lagi sebab tengah sibuk ajar budak menyanyi tempat lain.
big bird pula sombong sangat time ni. maklum la, dia kan asal sesame street.


p/s: mms big bird tadi buat aku ketawa sendiri.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

observation

you know what it feels like when you finally have the mood to finish your pending book, you spend your time reading it and then suddenly your house is black out? sucks kan? macam sial. even sial when the power on off in every 10 minutes. sial kan? then you stop reading, switch on your notebook and online. and you browse your facebook. look at what every body up to. and accidentally you running to some old friend's profile, stroll down her wall. seeing some of her picture. until you found something unbelievable. she's not single (as usual). she never be. always save something for rainy season la this girl. but what surprised me is when i look at their picture together. i was like such a waste, girl. she's so fucking beautiful with a sweet smile and killing body. but when i saw that man, he's totally out of her league. love is blind. cinta tak kenal siapa. but they look happy together. i'm happy for them.
suddenly a question pop out from my chat box. it's from her. the question is 'are you single now?'. and i said 'yes, i am. why?'. she said 'how come?'. i said 'come come' when actually i don't know what to tell her. i think she knows me best when it comes to relationship. since high school i think every one knows that i don't talk much about my relationship. it's not like i'm not that open. but because i'm such ignorant person. i don't know what to answer them when actually i know nothing about the current item of mine. haha. it's not like i don't know. it's just malas mau cakap.
when i'm tired of answering her questions, i go offline. what a cute escape. so i continued browsing my news feed. observing people. like i said in my previous wall post, people did 'melacur perhatian' each other. they commenting each other's status when actually they talking bad things about that particular person. come on la. such a bitchy things to do. they become friends to someone they actually don't know. they leave a comment. they like each other photo. maybe it's just their way of getting to know people. maybe. as for me it is ages ago since i add new people. i'm happy with my current friend list. they all in my surrounding. i know them. they know me. except for one little person. she adds me. not me adding her. mengerat kan silaturrahim. it's never a wrong thing. haha...zila...zila....bila mau berubah?

i'm thinking about cutting my hair shorter. for real. i'm tired of my hair now. i think it's ruined. unhealthy. ini la akibat nya bila hari-hari pakai tudung. i never have bad hair day so i seldom thinki about it. when is the last time i pay a visit to saloon for hair treatment? oh yeah...it was around december 2009, few days before went to kK for taklimat posting. awesome. no wonder my hair looks like a wire.

i'm kinda having insomnia when i'm alone at home. i can't sleep. that's why you get three entry posted for today. saya sangat rajin menulis hari ini untuk mengisis kekosongan hidup. as if my life is that empty. haha...it is empty after almost an hour talking on the phone with dady this evening. as usual, i amused him with my silly tales about school and stuff. yeay me!!!

kau tau apa?

friends: why him?
me: why not?
friends: he's petite.
me: his heart is huge.
friends: you can get better.
me: he's my better.
friends: there are many fishes in the sea.
me: not as shinny as mine.
friends: will he make you happy?
me: happy is subjectives.
friends: he won't change.
me: i'll wait.
friends: forget him.
me: i wont.
friends: you'll suffer.
me: suffer brings me pleasure.
friends: you are crazy.
me: for him.
friends: you so hard.
me: you people make me even harder.

penculik: looking at your picture together makes me wonder how can he not be attracted to a girl like you.
me: hanya dia dan Tuhan yang tahu apa isi hati nya.

be nice please

i know i'm such a rude person. i yell as i wish. my word is worse. i'm using blow and job in the same sentence. but still i talk to certain people nicely. in a proper way. now when i get a reply like "kau siapa mau mengarah-arah aku?" from someone i talk extra nicely, i was like .........wtf?

perhaps you had a bad day. but it doesn't mean that you can use me as your punching bag. some thing to let go of your anger. or maybe i'm asking too much for you to turn around?

Sunday, February 13, 2011

semalam yang hangat

there's nothing beat lying on bed wearing tank top and boardshort in a rainy day reading pending book

"Jadi anda dapat membaca hati ku, Padre. Anda tahu aku mencintai nya, dan cinta ku semakin besar bersama belalu nya waktu. Bersama-sama kami menemu kan dunia dan tinggal di dalam nya. Ia selalu ada setiap hari dalam hidup ku-entah aku mengingin kan nya atau tidak."

"Aku berhak bahagia, Padre. Aku telah menemu kan yang hilang, dan tidak ingin kehilangan lagi. Aku akan berjuang demi kebahagiaan ku. Jika aku menyerah, aku akna meninggal kan kehidupan spiritual ku. Seperti kata anda, aku akna mengenyah kan Tuhan bersama-sama kekuatan dan kuasa ku sebagai wanita. Aku akan berjuang demi mendapat kan diri nya, Padre."
towards the ending...
Mata ku di penuhi air.
"Aku akan duduk bersama mu di tepi sungai ini. Jika kau pulang untuk tidur, aku akan tidur di luar rumah mu. Jika kau pergi, aku akan mengikuti mu-sampai kau mengusir ku pergi. Maka baru la aku pergi. Tapi aku harus mencintai mu sepanjang hidup ku."

Di tepi sungai Piedra aku duduk dan menangis.
"Cinta mu telah menyelamat kan aku dan mengembali kan aku ke mimpi."
"Ia akan membantu ku menemukan jalan ku lagi."
"Jalan kita."
"Ya. Jalan kita."
Ia meraih tangan ku dan menarik ku hingga berdiri.
not every one is that lucky be able to find the soul mate who is willing to wait. to sacrifice their present for the sake of the love one. and not every one is willing to accept you for who you are.


p/s: and it takes me more than a month to finish this 222 pages book. Indonesian is so hard to be understood. they complicate the simple things.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

i am against polygamy and fat-ass-bitch

baru-baru ini terbaca artikel di facebook mengata kan haram hukum nya bagi wanita menetang poligami.
saya tidak kisah ia nya haram atau tidak. saya tetap menentang nya.
lelaki bila berkata tentang poligami seribu dalil cuba di keluar kan. cuba la di aju kan tentang nafkah dan ibadah. ptuikk!!! haram.
saya bukan benci poligami. cuma saya kurang menerima nya. bukan punya pengalaman. cuma lebih pemerhatian.
cuba saja kaum adam di letak kan di tempat itu. pasti kamu juga cukup sakit.
di dua kan kekasih saja boleh buat kamu terseksa batin tutup pintu hati bertahun-tahun. tidak mampu menerima cinta baru dalam hidup kerana seksa nya di dua kan.
bayang kan la jika terpaksa berkongsi kasih dan penis yang sudah sah menjadi milik sendiri dengan orang lain.
sakit, bukan?
jangan hanya memandang pada keinginan diri dan batin. jauh sekali memperkata kan tentang ibadah dan agama.
kamu bukan baik sangat. tidak semulia mana.
zaman lelaki adil iman penuh di dada tidak wujud lagi sekarang ini.
kasihani wanita. fahami jiwa isteri. ketahui kehendak batin nya.
tidak mendapat payung emas juga tidak mengapa jika proses mendapat kan nya cukup terseksa.

let's stick to the 'one penis for one vagina' policy just like we stick to 'one vagina for one penis'.

***talking about something else, kalau kamu lelaki beriman yang di datang kan dengan pakej lengkap seperti ini:

> 6ft.
> sweet smile with a shining eyes.
> 6 packs.
> not-so hairy.
> with a great sense of humor.
> brilliant mind.
> pious soul.
> sexy ass.
> huge package.
> stunningly good in suit and carrot pants.
> ravish in street smart look.
> delicious with only boxer or maybe board short and white T-shirt.
> dishy feet in flip flop.

dan mampu buat saya teriak dan tersenyum puas selepas 7 kali climax setiap malam, only then i can consider to commit suicide for you.
kalau setakat mulut sama lahanat mencarut nya, solat tidak terjaga, akhlak tidak semulia mana, kamu tidak akan jauh lebih baik dari saya.

p/s: rasa nya semua orang tau cara pemanduan berbahaya saya. tapi saya heran bila ada rumors terbaru mengata kan saya mau bunuh diri dengan memandu laju bila jiwa di sakiti. weird, right?
seingat saya, jarang sekali saya keluar tanpa di temani budak kecik. tidak kan la saya ingin membunuh budak kecik sekali. kalau ya pun mau bunuh diri, banyak lagi cara lain yang tidak begitu menyakit kan.
iman saya tidak setipis itu. keyakinan saya pada Tuhan begitu teguh. amat mustahil untuk saya melakukan perbuatan jahil seperti itu.
sudah-sudah la tu menjaja cerita tentang saya. tidak pernah rasa nya saya menyibuk hal kamu. jauh sekali mau menyebar cerita tentang kamu. hal kamu pun saya tidak ambil tau. apa yang menarik tentang hidup saya sehingga kan kamu begitu suka dengan nya?
satu pesan saya, jangan terlalu di sakit kan hati saya. takut buruk padah yang kamu terima nanti. cukup lama saya bersabar.

p/s/s: high taste? ukur baju di badan sendiri, please.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

i happen to love the attraction

Dear friends,
don't expect me to be that sad for what we've known recently. i used to know far more worst things about that particular person. not saying that i'm strong. but to be frank, that kind of things is just a piece of shit. it won't effected me. seriously. talking bad things about others to someone you talk bad behind is normal to them. is like their hobby. they're different. they not like us. we don't go bitching around our friends when they not here with us. when A and B together, they talk about C. when B and C together, they talk about A and when A and C together, they talk about B. and when A,B,C together, they talk some more about other people and laugh their not-so-sexy ass loud. that's their circle. they are a bunch of people who never satisfy with their own life. so when we came with such alluring fun, they become so jealous because they no longer be the apple of the SH eyes. people no longer look up on them. because perhaps, or just maybe, they not so good looking, not that cool like each of us. they feel threatened by us. they envy us. they hate us. so they start spreading rumors about us especially me. creating so untrue story. reporting fake stuff to the admin. back stabbing us. and many more evil things they did to us. too bad, all that things never bother us much. now we can only pity them for having that kind of life. for having that kind of friends. it is not every one is that lucky to have a friends like each of us. though we come from different places, races, religion, we still stand together strongly. and i just want to thank all of you for always be there for me. for supporting each other. for every littlest thing.
to my playmate in bunny land, you guys are awesome. you guys rock.
webby high five!!!

Monday, February 7, 2011

PMS
post-mens-syndrome



p/s: macam sial!!!


Sunday, February 6, 2011

where did i go wrong?

for over two years i keep praying that it would never be happen. every time i went to kK, i've been avoiding place that we used to go. i keep hiding from our circle. i've been deleting all the memories. keep asking God to veil me from his eyes. secrete him from me. but who am i to ask for it when it's written that we belong to the same place. and who am i to forbid God's will when HE wants us to see each other. even just in a glance.
for years and years we've been on and off. he break it off when he so tired of my att. and plead me to take him back when he's alone. and i always say yes. not because of stupidity. not because of idiotic. but i hate to start a new things. i hate to get to know new people. i hate to meet stranger. and the most thing is deep down in my heart i have the voice saying he will come back to me no matter what. and so years and years we're living in each other's shadow pretending that we love each other. mostly him pretending that he loves me. and me keep lying to myself that i always want to spend the rest of my life with this guy. but it's all lie. especially on my side. i lied to him saying that i love him when i only love myself. i only know how to love myself. i only know how to please myself.
when he walk away for another girl, it hurt so bad. it effects me in so many ways. until now. i must be a liar when i said i've moved on. bullshit. it's all bullshit. i lied to dad saying that i've moved on. saying that i'm okay. asking him to stop the healing session. just because i don't want him to spend another money for stupid reason when i know very well to hell i can get rid of him. and i'm right. there still some spot in my heart, in my brain for him. or am i just in love of torturing myself when i'm alone?
and seeing him on friday in my own town, in my own place with the girl, kills me. ruined me. bruised me. who i try to lie now? me, him, dad or you?

cukup sakit. macam mati sekejap. serius.

Friday, February 4, 2011

buat kali ini aku tidak marah di anggap BIMBO

atas cinta pada pink karna...

ini sangat menggoda.
begitu menggiur kan dengan harga rm439.
orgasmicaly pleasure.
minda dan keinginan kini sedang bersetubuh.


p/s: dia di tanah jajahan ku. yeay!!!

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Thursday, January 27, 2011

hero

watching Armageddon just now makes me miss my daddy so much. it's been a week since i talk to him last Thursday. how funny it is that i still can cry watching AJ crying when he wants Harry to tell Grace that he loves her. and my tears just couldn't stop running when Harry talks to Grace via video call. it was so touching. all the things he said. how he feel about AJ despite the hatred that he tried to show once he knows AJ dating his little girl. it's full of emotion.

daddy, i miss you. i'll see you this saturday. i keep my promise so far and i think you should be proud of me.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

sunday morning rain is falling

steal some cover, share some skin.

nothing beat rainy sunday morning. cause you going to get up late. it's just giving you another reason to stay in bed doing nothing. close to heaven.
my plan for today:
1. house chores
2. laundry
3. finish the pending book i've started.
4. lunch date with budak kecik.

closer to heaven.
things going so well lately and i kind of love it.
PMS, please leave me faster. let the thing out cause i'm tired of feeling want to bite someone, yelling at my students and get mad when i'm not suppose to.

my sanctuary
and here too i have to sleep alone on a queen size bed.
;(

last night
me: Marry me then i'll feed you with food and love and and and and a great sex.
he: Haha...i like that!!! huhu

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

this is totally going in my blog!!!

i'm sorry but i just could not get enough of him. i wish i have tv complete with astro set here instead of watching HIMYM on youtube. i miss home on a time like this. i just don't have enough money to buy a tv. and i wish it's christmas again next month so i could ask daddy to buy me tv as a gift..


barney stinson is so legen...wait for it...dary. adore him.

igniting

i did tell you that i have a thing with smells, right?

i have this weird incident this morning. i don't know how to say this. but i found it really bizarre.
it's nothing actually. this morning after copying my class name list at the HEM room, i hurriedly enter the staffroom to finish my work. but then when i stand in front of the main entrance, i stop suddenly because i've been distracted by the smell. his smell. i thought he was in class. but when i enter the staffroom, there he was, sitting at his place doing his work. weird. weird. weird. it's three weeks now we've spent the morning together and i really notice every smell of him. weird. weird. weird. so weird. yeah...it's weird. enough said.
by the way, i hate seeing his pants now. semua longgar. hilang sikit sexy nya. nasib tidak hilang terus.

he once told me that he start to go to surau to perform the solat now. may be it's because Dani's advice. then i told fizzy about it and said "hebat la dani mampu ubah orang macam dia". then she answered me "nda. nda cukup hebat lagi tu. sepa berjaya ubah kau tu yang hebat". sentap mak nok.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

surrounded

just say good bye and good night to our little cullen family. here i am alone again after having a blast of laugh with them.
last night when i chat with amir on fb, i told him "mesti sedap kan hujan-hujan begini makan nasi panas sama masak lomak cili api". and just now we're having masak lomak cili api udang for dinner. sedap sekali.
and what's the best of all is every one said finally they can eat hot rice in such a comfy place. faizal, amir, joild and iwan bertambah-tambah nasi makan. budak kecik pun seems happy with the food. me? don't ask. there's nothing compare to see their happy face having dinner at my place. i'm content with happiness. seriously. i'll trade the world just to see those smiles again and again. the food. the drink. the desserts. every thing is marvelous.
i think we should do this every weekend with a different menu.

you, bagus buang tu handphone sana. kalau nda pun, nda payah pakai terus.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

a hole inside my heart

stay there. don't leave.
at least i still got you. my little heart.

living alone is so hard. you don't know what you up to. what do you really want in your life.
i'm talking about living alone. cause i currently living alone.
i come back every day to an empty house.
what welcoming me is just a queen size bed full of pillows to be hugged.
a playlist to be heard.
a movie to be watched.
a book to be read.
i used to have budak kecik every day and night before. but now it's only me every noon till night.
it's hard. so hard. especially when the night falls. i used to said to him that my every night is totally a struggling of eyes closing.
and when the sun rises, relief soothe me.
if i could, i would get married as soon as i can.
not for the sex.
but for someone to hold me closely every single night.





;(

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

home food

so yeah...here i am writing this entry in my own kitchen. hehe...no silly. in my own rented kitchen. i no longer staying at the hostel. and for the first time tonight me and budak kecik going to eat home food. just simple dish for the two of us. i cook here and later on going to her place to dine together. nafilah is no longer our kitchen. but still i have to hang out there tonight to meet joild and ask him to install that SMM in my laptop.
i love cooking. i love the smell of the food while i'm cooking. i love anything that related to food. but what i hate now is the unease smell of new stove and pan. it kills the mood. i have to get use to it until it gone. now only wait for the rice to cook. take bath, solat and budak kecik, here i come with the food. big smile please....;D

p/s: you, onyx tu cantik kan. pakai tiap hari ya. it looks sexy on you. biar pun macam beliau.

Friday, January 7, 2011

of a man

murah tapi sedap. tempting.

biar kroni-kroni bilang stop, aku tetap bilang go on.
sebab at least dia selalu ada untuk aku.
secara langsung atau tidak langsung.
sengaja atau tidak sengaja.
di rancang atau kebetulan.
at least.
dia set raga ku at ease.
bila sakit, dia ada.
bila sedih, dia ada.
bila kena dengan pentadbir, dia ada.
maybe sebab aku yang cari dia.
but at least dia ada di situ bila mana aku cari.
better than anyone perhaps.
dulu selesa.
sekarang makin selesa.
lebih suka bila dia dengar cakap tentang keseksian nya.
don't this, don't that.
take off the button.
love it.
sexay!!!

p/s: you, bila kurus, bontot ikut jadi kecik. trust me. i know best.

p/s/s: ex-bf, happy birthday to you. semoga cepat kahwin and have a merry life.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

hot and spicy for the sake of charity

i used to have a thing with his street smart look.
but this is so beyond my expectation.

you go adam!!!

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

currently nomad

living is harder when you getting older.
it's 2011 now. how do i spend my new year's eve?
crying in orca for the whole night for my stupidity.
i start my new year by donating my rm700 to a stranger just because of stupid car crash i caused because of loosing focus. great.
and it is my money. i'm not asking from daddy like i used to do. why?
because i pay it on 3rd of january. and i hereby announced that i'm broke. never mind. HE knows best.
i'm teaching in morning session right now. i sort of like it because i can sleep on the noon side.
but i spent my morning feeling sleepy for waking up too early.
i currently nomad. i have my rented house but i'm not staying there because of the water supply problem.
i'm sleeping at budak kecik's place. it is so hard. i even have my underwear right at the back seat of my car. totally uncool and not so sexy. saya benci hidup tidak terurus. i'm still looking for a better place to live.
i miss home cook. i haven't eat any of it since i came here. if you saw me closely, you can see my dry skin. i swear. i hate it. the best thing i eat since 29th dec 10 is SR tom yam kung last monday. i miss home cook. i miss veges.
just to add another worse thing in my life, now is the early year. and it's time for me to get sick. i have cough right now. sore throat. tonsil. package of voice loosing. awesome. but like Barney Stinson said "when i'm sick, i just pretend that i'm not and being awesome instead". well, i'm awesome.
kinabatangan non stop raining since forever. i love rainy days. but too much of something is bad. yeah, musim mengawan. best kan kalau sudah kahwin. someone can put you in his sweet embrace and keep you heating.
i don't know why he suddenly so eager to loose weight. it's like he obsess to be skinny. i hate it. cause he look happier when he chub. sexier. especially the ass. i ask here once again for you to not to. i like you just the way you are. 57kg is enough. and i like your tight pants. use it everyday to school so you can cheer my dying morning up. lanjik nya ni perempuan.