so they said blogging is one way of seeking attention or in my current term: melacur perhatian. if you asked me why i blog, i don't have many reason. i blog because i can get therapy for free. seriously, other than your bestest friend, who wants to listen to your rant? rambling, mumbling, whining? especially me. i talk lots and lots of stupid things every day. don't think budak kecik can stand me. not even my own parents. when i'm having bad day at home, instead of letting me ramble about my stupid day, daddy usually goes like "i think it's time for you to spend some time out of the house". then i understand what he meant. and then i start blogging two or three years ago. like i said, this isn't my first blog. i deactivated the others because it's pack and loaded with my idiotique moment. to tell you the truth, i do feel a little regret for deleting it. blog is totally a repository. writing is one way of recording my thoughts, things happened. documenting every single thing of life no matter how mean it can be sometimes. i know some day when i grow old and this thing still here, i would have a blast reading back my story. i don't care if people say bad things about me for being so open about my feelings, my thoughts about every thing. saying that i'm such barefaced talking about my 'tangoing alone'. i don't care. at least some day when i read back what i wrote, i'll be laughing my arse out. or at least it can remind me of him and all the memories we shared. how he used to cook for me. texting me with a sweet little thing that only us can understand. it is indeed will remind me how much i love his smell or how i adore his sexy ass. definitely will remind me of how a friends used to say that i have such a bad taste to fall for him. but in case we're meant to be together, things will be different i guess. this blog for sure will be a reminder for me when things turn so ugly on my side later, it'll remind me how much i want him. maybe. anything is possible, right?
or maybe one day i'll be the principal or whatever the superior is, when i read back about my early years of teaching, it'll remind me how i used to be such ill-disciplined teacher back in my younger years. why am i writing something like this? as if i'm going to die or something.
while having lunch at the school canteen just now with two not-so-new male teacher, we're having some argument about me not taking a good care of budak kecik and caused her sick. i start questioning who's cooking dinner every night and taking care of her well being. and suddenly this male teacher said "hey, i'm looking for a girl. it seems like i have to reject both of you because you keep asking each other the good things you do to yourself". i laughed cause it's totally funny to me. budak kecik out of the blue said "take her. take her. she's single". i was like whattaFendi. i secretly pray that this male teacher won't fall for it. he is single. actually both of them are single. you know i don't like people having that kind of feeling towards me. it makes me feel awkward. before things turn out not-so-beautiful, let's pretend that we don't have any affection, shall we...;)
lately being single doesn't bother me at all. as long as big bird is still single and always be there for me, it's fine. it is really fine actually cause i love be around him. no. i like when he's around me. it makes me feel safer. it's like he is my protector. i don't know which one is which. whenever we talk together, just the two of us, i feel like i'm talking to a soul mate. he understand me the way i want to be understood. it's like he is the male version of me. we even can complete each other sentences. as if we can read each other's mind. but i just couldn't feel the spark between us. he is more than a friend to me but less than him because my heart is always belong to him. confused me. haha.
talking about him, i miss him so much. it's totally killing me to not talking to him. not be able to be close to him when that smell of him seductively lingering my surrounding. i so hate the fact that i can't say how sexy is he today or just to say that his tie doesn't match his shirt. how he not supposed to wear that loose pants again cause it never look good on him. the fact that i prohibit myself to text him wishing his 'every month' birthday, commenting his fb, liking his picture is so damn stupid. he just don't know how much i want to spend some time to talk our stupid things or just saying bad things about other people and laugh about it. and when he talk to me, it's like i want him to talk more even if it's just some official business. whenever i caught his eyes on me, i feel like want to run to him and asking him to say sorry to me. at least stop being a jerk and admit he hurt me. that's all i want actually. a little sorry. an apology.
p/s: jelaskan.
