i'm going to be 27 this year. to me age is just a number. but my body clock is ticking. i'm not going to bored you with all the details i have every time i face the mirror. the complain is always killing me. but deep inside my body, my womb, my ovaries, my uterus, the unfertilised eggs that were expelled every month, what about them? they were busy marking every passing second of my life. this is the biggest problem. every night i dream of a warm embrace from a guy i longed to put a seed inside of me so it will grow to be infant in my belly. every time i see a caring husband with her pregnant wife, i feel like want to hug the girl telling how lucky she is to have the most precious gift in her life. i know my time will come eventually. but when?
yesterday i went out with babby and leon. we talked about everything. leon pop up a question to me about getting married cause she's going to tie the knot real soon. insyaAllah. suddenly i can no longer hold myself. i almost burst into tears but i control it knowing that we're in a restaurant that time. but i can't help myself to meroyan. i usually meditated myself in my room chanting "mau kawin, mau kawin, mau kawin". but yesterday out of the blue i did it in front of them. they seem surprised and asked me to stop. but i can't hold myself. i keep on chanting it but this time with his name at the end of the sentences. i can feel the warm crystal in my eyes. and i can see the pity on their faces. but i don't need the pity. i just need them to know that i myself wants to get married to. it's just a matter of time or in my case, it's just a matter of time, my heart and him.
i've been in love with the same guy for as long as i could remember. i've always have this kind of question : why him? when will i ever stop waiting for him? aren't the waiting itself is hurt enough? i'll wait for him. i don't know until when. but if we're not fated to be together, never mind. for the time being let me enjoy watching him watching me. let me enjoy the secret glance, secret smile. the waiting is hurt more when you keep urging me with the same question over and over again. it's not me who wants this. it's not even my fault for having this stubborn heart. i am someone like this. i set myself into something, i can never unset it to something else. just like the previous relationship. someone knock my door and i let him enter. he remained there until he grew tired and find a new playmate. left me broken hearted. reminds me of an email i received from a guy friend few weeks ago. "a girl like you will always like the hard way when it comes to love. it's because you don't wait for Mr.Right to be right, but you wait the right one to be your Mr.Right". and i know he's one of the person in the list that i turn down for this past few years. i'm sorry.
to you,
i'll wait for you. i wait for some amount of time. i'm just sitting there waiting. you know where to find me. don't feel pressure. i'm not putting any on you. it's your heart. doesn't matter how much i love you. knock my door when you completely ready. when your heart really empty. when it's really clean from the past. cause just like i don't want to force myself for someone else, i don't want you to force yourself for me. i've seen the tortured. i've watched the abused. i don't want to sing the same song my friends sang. i want our song to be the love song. that's all i ask.
