i wish to go back to bukit garam today cause suddenly my fun house is full of evil clown

it's weird how they keep using money to buy love and affection.
i'm mad at mum and dad today.
and tomorrow i get new things.
he's mad at his mummy today.
and the next day he get a ticket for a trip to somewhere.
that's how it works.
it's running in our family.
generation by generation.
and i wish to stop it right when i start mine.
cause i definitely don't want to have another version of me to be my baby.
enough said.

upcoming

all i want for the next christmass
is

a guy who make it easier when life gets hard.

eye-opener

oh yeah...it's christmass eve and i don't know how on earth i'm thinking about this right now.
i want to be more religious in every way. i start to think about every thing happen in my life since yesteryear. it's like God is sending me some sign that until right now i still can't decode it. how shallow i am. but hey, i'm learning. Lord, this learning process will never end.
about the religious thing, actually it's not tonight. it's start since the trip to kK with Dani. funny how that shortest time he can tackles me, charm me with his wisdom words. i guess he just talks so much until my brain can't digest every little thing that came out from him. but one thing really caught my attention; "kita sebelum bekawan dengan orang kita tengok dulu macam mana dia jaga agama nya. kalau dia tau jaga agama nya, tau la dia jaga diri nya". God, i'm totally not that person. and here is some more; "sembahyang itu la yang besa nya mencegah kita dari buat dosa. contoh nya kau cakap dia begitu begini. kau tengok la dia jaga solat nya atau tidak. kalau tidak, nda heran lah dia mampu buat begitu". and i was like "am i talking to the same age person as me?" there were another things that we talk. but i'm sure can't stop writing about it until the school start next year. we do talk a lot. i talk about myself. spilling things that i never tell anyone. maybe because i'm comfortable with him, fizzy and ana. he asked me to write a book cause i have a lot of interesting story to be shared. well, i'm a keeper. i won't do such thing. haha...
recently after the sulking mode with daddy, we do the real talk. not the father-daughter moment but more to wise man-young lady moment. i know he loves me so much and off course he is the only hero that i give my fully devotion. i realize that i'm such a bad daughter. i non-stoppingly giving him bad times despite all the good things he has done for me for my entire life. i should try to run my life the way he want me to. at least that's the only good deed i can do for him and mum. i should stop being such a baby. take my life seriously. love my job and do it properly. and the most important thing is to grow up. well, for right now i promise that i'll do it for the sake of my own self. not for anyone. i know how hard it might be. but at least i should give it a shot.
be more religious. if i can't do the hard thing, at least do the least thing. do the prayer. solat. 5 times a day. it's not that hard. and watch my wear. cover every thing that can be covered. watch my language. mind my manner. until then, you'll be surprised what life may bring you.

now where the hell is my "Eat,Pray,Love" book when i really need it?

without you

a day without you is like a year without rain. that was so........overwhelm.
but hey, i love rainy days. i don't want to go without it. so you, please don't let my day feels like a year without rain...;p



p/s: have a merry christmass. i already got myself my gift. so that's enough i guess...;)

wicca

me: i don't want a white gold bracelet. i think i need a new watch.
daddy: why do you need a new one?
me: it's his gift. and i hate that it keep remind me of him every time i saw it.
daddy: i thought you move on.
me: i am. but it's hard when i still keeping things from him. at least that's the last thing.
daddy: you working now.
me: still i want it from you.
daddy: rm300. that's the limit.
me: (better than nothing)

so he gave me rm300 today before i go out. i just love you daddy. how can i hate you when you never say NO to me...;)
i still have to add another rm350 though after 15% discount.

citizen wicca rose gold
welcome home, precious...;)

btw, i'm having a blast of laugh after having dinner with three most beautiful women. my bff: halizah, harny and fizzy.

me surrounded by my teacher's bff (breakfast forever)

i'm actually accompanying halizah to the saloon to perm her hair. while waiting for her to be done, i decided to have my hair wash. i keep thinking of doing something to my hair. i'm torn whether i should cut it short or not. i want something edgy but there is no way that i'm going to cut my hair short again. i keep remind myself that he loves a girl with a long hair. and i love my beautiful-getting-longer hair. so i decided to have a fringe. i end up looking more ladylike. oh...i so in love with it. i look demure.
then i called fizzy asking where she was. she's just coming back from LD. so i fetch her and the three of us going to farfalle. i feel so bad without harny there. so i called to asked her to come without bringing her other half, Jason. haha...pity him.
harny told us about the incident where a girl mistaken her as a form 6 girl and not a teacher. so i lied to her that i once being mistaken as a form 3 students. i know that so obviously untrue. she answered me "nda ngam ba kau budak form 3. mana ada budak form 3 tetek besar". hahahaha...that's kinda offensive. hey, there is other big thing on me that can be talk other than my boobs. like what? like....ummm....my big eyes perhaps?
hahaha...after all, we have a good time tonight. we supposed to celebrate fizzy's early birthday because the chances of pyan not coming here is big. he kind of busy lately going to Madai. so fizzy going to celebrate with her family. i asked her whether she wants a cake but she refused. i secretly wishing that pyan is going to come this thursday. i know how much it meant for her. and i know that's all she wants for her birthday.

my holy-day so far

well...what did i do?
i happened to be not in a very good mood lately. so i spent most of my time in mum's room. doing what? exploring their fridge. eat all the things inside.
keep switching the tv channel every 5 seconds when there's actually nothing to watch.
concerning my not-so-healthy skin. how to say this? it's getting better. and i love what i spent my money on. if it didn't work, i start to think of redeem it back from daddy. though i'm still kind of sulking. you know what is the best thing about sulking? the chances of getting what you want is higher than before. because big dad is trying to please me so hard until he almost give up. haha. i love sulking so much until i can't stop doing it over and over again.
i spent my other time reading Have a Little Faith from Mitch Albom. so far i'm in the page 56. keep reading it since last thursday. hey, i'm a busy woman. i have a lot of things to do than reading. like watching How I Met Your Mother, Grey's Anatomy, Private Practice, Ugly Betty and i have a movie marathon. i found HIMYM hilarious until i can't stop laughing every time i saw Barney. he is one of a kind. he stupid yet so charming.

i'm thinking of doing something productive today like measuring mum's bed or counting how many almond in every Berryl's tiramisu chocolate. oh...i love my day. and yeah, i love myself...;)

daddy-you no longer my favorite person!!!

i know i was so eager to come home few days ago. but right now, i hell wishing that i'm not home. i hate home right now. it doesn't feels like mine anymore. why? because daddy lied to me. he was hiding something from me right from the beginning. how i wish i don't have to talk to him for such a long time. too bad. i just couldn't do that. cause he matters a lot to me. lots.
right now all i want is to go back to bukit garam and spending my holiday there. that would be much pleasure spending my days going to sandakan every day, watching all the movies than spending my time to things i refuse to do. i hate it. i hate the fact that dad hiding things from me. no wonder he never care to call me this past few days. i knew something was up. i can feel it. and mum, i know she knows nothing about it until yesterday when they arrived. cause just like me, she seems surprise. and right at that moment, i swear i want to pack all my belonging and left.
for God sake dad, what do you expect from me? to accept the things the way all of you want it? you know me better to start the fire.

p/s: no, dad not asking me to cari kayu api. it worse than that. i wish you were here in sabah and i'd be glad to go back to bukit garam and having my holiday with you. please fast forward to 28th.

p/s/s: why on earth every one ruined my holy-day?

homey-side

finally i can have my school holiday. i'm in tawau right now. going to spend this holiday season with two most beautiful people on earth, Mr.Marsden and his wife Enit DJ. i think this two weeks left going to be full with some stuff need to be done for dad, movie marathon, tv and few other boring things. hahaha. but i just love my life here at home. i love to be near with my parrents. they just giving me another reason for being stupid and helpless whenever they were around. i so in love with that.

mengisi saki baki cuti yang tinggal dengan ini...;)

second chance

a little gift for myself for this christmas.
let's put our trust in this red box once AGAIN...haha
and there goes my rm500 bonus.
;p

self-monologue

aku cuma perempuan biasa. cukup biasa. mungkin tidak punya kelebihan di mata siapa pun.
dan kerana itu aku perlu kan arjuna untuk mendampingi ku. juga buat membimbing.
aku perempuan yang selalu lupa aurat ku. batas ku.
jangan di tanya solat ku. aku selalu lupa untuk menjaga nya.
bukan lupa. malas lebih sesuai. jahil.
ntah kenapa.
aku takut. Dia mungkin bakal mengambil kepunyaan ku. tapi aku mohon jangan.
aku tidak bersedia. beri kan aku peluang lagi.
untuk menjadi yang terbaik di mata nya.
untuk menjadi kesenangan di jiwa nya.
untuk menyeimbang kan mana yang patut.
aku senang dengan nya. cukup senang.
bila ada yang mula bercakap mengenai nya, aku jadi lemah. tapi tidak menggoyah kan rasa ku.
mungkin hati ku kuat berpaut. pada yang rapuh. sayang. bodoh.
seperti mana yang pernah ku kata kan dulu, apa pun dosa yang telah kau lakukan, aku sedia menerima mu apa ada nya.
ya. apa ada nya.
asal kau punya kemahuan untuk berubah.
asal kau tidak malu untuk berubah.
asal kau punya keyakinan untuk berubah.
asal kau menyerah kan naluri mu pada yang selayak nya.
aku ikhlas apa pun diri mu.
sebab di laknat itu jauh lebih sakit.
jauh lebih seksa. jauh lebih dari segala nya.
kerana aku juga bukan malaikat.


p/s: be a man. let's get married. touch me where you want me. then the world will be silent again. feel me...;(

now let me do the talk

habis sudah jaga SPM.
i feel like hell every single moment of it. i know i said there were some bright side of it. but hell, i hate it. this is my first school holiday as a teacher. it is my HOLY-DAY. i should embrace, enjoy every moment of it. for God sake, i'm supposed to go out there enjoying my life or at least spending my precious time with my parrent. they have no one at home. so school holiday is like the golden opportunity for me to pamper and shower them with my love and attention. or at least this is the chance for me to go on a trip with babby and eyon. spending our vacation together. you just don't know how long since our last trip together. it was ages ago. right before i take this job. right before i mess with my life. but here i am trap in this gilded cage. and guess what i'm doing? study for my induction next week. you think this is fair? life ain't fair. not to a girl like me.

best nya orang sudah kerja.
i tell you this. life as a working person is not like a bed of roses as what you always think. babby and eyon used to be jealous of me working and earning my own money. yes i win the bread and you not. just so you know, the bread is only with me for a few days. there's alot of thing you need to settle down. the car need to be paid. the loan, the bills, the everything. so stop saying that you envy my life. i envy you much more. i miss my old life. i miss the feeling of buying without thinking. i God damn miss it. i feel like i want to cry my heart out every time i can't buy something because i need to keep the money for something else later. i hate when i cannot buy that rm189 blouse because i have to save my money for the rainy days. look at you both. you still study yet you are wearing all that branded things. where got the money? mummy and papa off course. i miss those days where i can shop every week without worrying what's going to happen the next day when i have nothing in my purse. all i have to do is dialed daddy's number and my account is full again. life is quite easy back then. now i hate every single moment of my working life. i seriously crying my heart out right now. sounds immature to you? you just don't know how hard it is. it's like i curse every moment of it.

sepa steady kau sekarang?
jesus Christ!!! how many time should i say that i am SINGLE? billion zillion times? stop asking me this stupid question when you know very well i have no one. i'm tired of this silly question. i'm having the time of my life free from any commitment. let me indulge and savor every moment of it before i'm tying the knot with whoever he might be.
and to the old folks, tau la akan kalian bahawa saya PALING BENCI soalan-soalan seperti "kapan sih ni anak bongsu mau kawin?". and every time i said that i am single, they go like "tak juga la ada rupa ada kerja begini, tak ada yang mau". it's not like no one wants me. it's i want no one thing. and stop asking my parrents with this kind of things because they going to push me with this. not daddy off course. but mum, every time we were alone in her room, she starts saying sad things like "nda lama lagi mama mati ni. tapi sebelum tu kalo boleh mama mau tengok meng kawin dulu.". it hurts me every time she talks about dead when i know very well her health condition. and i go like "ma, selagi teda orang lain yang akan jaga saya, mama nda kan mati." and she said like she can't wait for it forever. and just to stop her from rambling about this, i said "mama sudah bosan ka dengan saya sampai balik-balik mau ada orang lain jaga saya?". only the she shut herself from talking about it.

it is hard to be me. don't ever wish to...;(

PLEASE DON'T TELL ANYONE

that i just watch Harry Potter. i'm not a big fan of him. i don't read the book. and i only watch the first and second movie long time ago. it's just not me and i chose not to follow it. what i notice is Ron is bigger now. hahaha...i remember him with that red hair and little freckles on his cheek. the trio totally growing up filming all the movies.

how odd it is when mum suddenly ask me whether i go visit lulu yesterday or not. it's not like i don't want to. it's just i can't make time for it. currently busy with a lots and lots of things to do.

we talk about new year resolution with budak kecik on the way to sandakan this afternoon. and mine is I'M GOING TO TRY TO LIVE WITHOUT ANY HELP FROM MUM AND DAD. i won't ask for money. not even for the gas money every time i'm going back to tawau. i'm trying to live on my own. i still feel like i'm not working every time i'm home cause every time i'm going back to bukit garam, mum or dad will give me some money. doesn't matter whether i ask for it or not. it's totally a shame thing. please don't tell anyone about this. at least let me try okay.

i keep thinking of what i want for this coming christmas from big daddy. and i come to a sudden choice. nothing fancy. all i want for this christmas other than him to be mine, ;p i want a white gold bracelet. that's it. that's all i want.

p/s: yes. my family is celebrating christmas. only not in that way. why? because we're half Australian. hahahaha...what do you expect?

nerdstar

it's going to be busy tuesday for us today. every one is concentrating on finishing their induction assignment. it's been a long time since i do it. i forget already how hard it is to compose a good writing especially if it's in malay. damn!!!
but i'm positive. hahaha...it's just 5 pages writing. it's nothing compare to what i used to do...;p
so peeps, keep praying for me to finish it today or else i can't put my full attention to study. wow!!! sounds like campus girl. let see how nerdy i am.

have to shift to nimmy's room cause according to fizzy, i keep bothering her...;p
me in PDI 'i love Paris' graphic tee and R.A hotty.
hair clip from Hafiz on my last birthday.
"Bertekad Cemerlang"

let's work together babeh!!!

p/s: my hair is getting longer. i love it cause he like it...;)

makan hati

i start receiving comment like "wow, tecer kurus sudah..." since last week. at first they won't buy me with this. but when i wear my baju kurung this morning, i kind of believe them. i guess i did loose some weight. and i secretly admit that i don't like it. i don't like the fact that i might be skinny. it's totally such a turn off. i know i never satisfied with my body. when i gain some, i wish not to. and when i lost it, i feel so sad.
and again just now the aspura ask me "tecer, napa tecer macam makin kurus? tecer diet ka?". okey, enough. i'm not on diet. i eat normally. is that means that i'm losing my weight by doing nothing but parting from him? oh...told ya. parting really kills me...;(

time...please move faster. take me to 28th dec.

when he's away, i start to loose my focus. in everything. i hate it.

me and orca

fog lamp orca pecah. baru notice pagi kelmarin. mungkin terkena batu dalam perjalanan ke kK last week.
alarm orca pula rosak. dan saya butuh spare key saya untuk membaiki nya. malang nya, spare key saya ada di tempat nya. hebat bukan? saya sendiri hairan bagai mana ia ada pada nya.
handle pintu driver juga rosak. sudah agak lama kejadian ini. cuma saya takut untuk bagi tau bapa. macam mana boleh jadi? saya dengan bodoh nya telah menarik handle itu dengan kuat tanpa menyedari bahawa pintu itu berkunci. akibat nya, hampir tercabut.
jelas kan saya ini bukan la manusia yang pandai menjaga en.Boyfriend...;(

soulmate

"but how will i know who my Soulmate is?"

"you could tell your Soulmate by the light in their eyes, and since time began, that has been how people have recognised their true love. the Tradition of the Moon used a different process: a kind of vision that showed a point of light above the left shoulder of your Soulmate."

"by taking risks"

"by risking failure, disappointment, disillusion, but never seizing in your search for Love. as long as you keep looking, you will triumph in the end."

finish reading this book today. what have i learn? i am more to the tradition of the Sun which applied more practical than the theory. yes. i am someone like that.

p/s: i believe in the spark of first time meeting.