novocaine

it was always you.
it will always you.
cause i'll wait in the rain for you.

figuratively

simple yet meaningful.

mengena ni.

i met a guy, we talked and it was epic

i texted him saying how good looking he was that day.
and the next day he wore that checkered shirt that always drives me crazy.
as if he purposely torturing me.

H.

the air i breathe

you're a lonely soul
cause you won't let go
of anything you hold.

dirty laundry

i sometimes love to wear the only K's shirt that i owned. it gives me some kind of indescribable feeling whenever i wear it. feels like home. i love the fresh smell especially when i just took it out from my drawer. it reminds me of his smell. he always has this fresh laundry smell when we hang out at home. that's the reason why i never change my detergent. i want to keep that smell in my memory. it reminds me of before. it reminds me what it feels like to be in a relationship with human being. something that i tend to forget how lately.

things are getting worse between orca and me. i maybe look like the happiest one at my work place. i laugh like i'm having the most awesome life. i smile 'like' sincerely. but once i'm with orca, different things happen. i start making love with him. riding him fast. being a maniac. being a moron. a jerk to him. i love to listen to music loudly. singing like no one can hear me. duh...literally. who can hear me sing in my car.

why do i feel this way? like i have the world on my shoulder and i don't know how to get rid of it. i haven't cried for quite some time. i slowly torn inside.

when can K become H?

or

when can H become mr.H?

another productive day

if we're not stuck with the vampire, we enter the world of magic. i find that strong headed self-centered arrogant brat, Prince Arthur, fascinating with his smirk and sarcastic comment towards Merlin. and he looks dashing in his knight wear. he reminds me of James Franco in Tristan and Isolde.

and i'm trying to finish The Choice by Nicholas Sparks by tonight cause according to my plan, i'm going to finish my exam paper this weekend. as far as i'm concern, i haven't done anything related to school.

did i mention i took a nap every one hour since morning?

you, 

listen to the track when they were making love during the honeymoon.

one

one did not realize that one is gay until someone knock some sense to one's head.

dazzled

i watched twilight series again. i just noticed that Edward Cullen prefer to wear brown leather shoes compare to the black one. it just give him extra bonus for uniqueness. as far as i know, brown leather is the least favourite among guys.

p/s: you, please wear your not-so-new brown shoes to school every day.

don't ever open your cross-legged

i think every concern mum will say this words to her beautiful girl and she will remind her about this until she's getting hitched. i guess so. even when i'm on phone call with mum now she likes to end up our conversation with "jangan nakal-nakal meng". and the message is clear enough to me. there's things that i have to take care of.

it's actually surprised me to know that some of my kids did make love to each other. i shouldn't say make love cause i'm sure there's no love there but lust. what the hell did they think? in this age they supposed to be stuck in library reading all the Blyton's work. or dream about guy as gallant as Rudolf Rassendyll who helped Princess Flavia from the villain trying to kill her fiance. you can do so many things other than exploring each other's body. you'll have plenty of time for it later when you are old enough to be wedded to someone your heart desire. i don't know should i call the girls stupid or whore or whatever that suit them. how come they be so easy to give their virtue to someone as young as them. i'm not talking about the first or second base. but this include penetration and orgasm where they're faced the risk of early pregnancy, STD and whatever issue that might occur later. how can they be this shallow. why can't you think that if he can do such things to you, he might as well do it to someone else. and what makes you think that you're the first one? if he dare to make the first move, i'm sure he has experienced it with someone else before you. if he loved or respected you enough, he won't touch you. not even dare to put his lips on your lips. trust me. even me as a girl, is not dare to touch someone i love mostly. i put a gap between us cause i want it to be special when the time comes someday. don't you want your first time to be very special? to be in the halal way. we have our religion as our guidelines. but it seems like you forget about it. i know in this age everything look so right and challenging to you. you want to try every single thing that people said will give you pleasure. why don't you channel this enthusiasm to something positive? try to fulfil other curiosity. not necessary that part. i'm sure you have a lot of things in your mind. you are young. there's so many things to explore out there. boys, don't ruin your girl if you don't want to be ruined someday. i know that thing is a lot easier on your side. but think about the girls in your family every time you decide to do something stupid to other girl. the moment you put your sword to someone cunt, i'm sure someone else will do the same to your sisters. if you want it not to happen, DON'T EVER DARE TOUCH SOMEONE's GIRL. you will have beautiful girl someday. i'm sure you don't want your pretty girl to lose her virginity at the age as young as 13, right?

i've seen this world longer than you. i've been in a relationship with the same guy for almost five years. if i can control myself, why can't you? if i can wait until right now, why can't you? if i can keep it for the right and legal one, why can't you? life is no different then and now. love yourself. stay virgin. think about the future.

embrace what the mother nature gives you

bought a new bra. it reminds me of the girl in The Devil Wears Prada. remember the girl who get ready for work at the starting? it is something like that. sexy and comfortable for work. who care what i wear inside? i care. to me bra is an essential things that we need to take care of. it supposed to give you fully support and boost up your confident level.

i have women talk with the girls last friday. we talked so many things. from books to movies to Edward to beauty regime. it's hard to be a girl. i'm not complaining. it's just there's so many things that we need to take care of. the skin, you have to keep it moisture and fresh. then need to prevent the wrinkle from coming. have to tone the abs. make sure the arms and feet stay lean. maintain the weight. the most important thing is to keep the boobs and booty firm. it's the hardest part. it is really nice to see a healthy bouncing bosom. but it takes a lot to keep it bounce in the right way. and the booty, make sure it stay firm until you have 3 kids. how? work out. move that lazy ass. eat right way. don't forget the supplement. do your own massage in the bathroom. scrub thrice a week. treat yourself like a princess. that's what i do..;)

it's really hard when you have body like mine. i easily gain and loss weight. if i'm not taking care of it, i'll end up look like a monster with a flabby belly. the weirdest part right now is i lost weight but my breast screaming for cup resizing..^^"

i won't say i'm on diet right now. i decided to do my body. muscle up certain part. tone here and there. i actually craving for Bella's body. according to budak kecik, after i skinny up my body, i should learn to do the expressionless look like Kristen Stewart in Twilight and trying not to smile a lot. smile only to him. start being goofy. i shall do that. hehe.

p/s: it really nice to finally have someone who you can discuss a new novel with. jump with happiness!!!

i just can't stop thinking about Edward in breaking dawn when he wear boxer during the honeymoon. top it with his grunt that sounds like sexual moan. yummy!!!

flightless bird

i'm nothing if not traditional.

i've waited a hundred years

but i'd wait a million more for you

nothing prepared me for

what a privilege being yours would do

if i had only felt the warmth within your touch

if i had only seen how you smile when you blush

or how you curl your lip when you concentrate enough

i would have known what i was living for all along

what i've been living for

your love is my turning page

where only the sweetest words remain

every kiss is a cursive line

every touch is redefining phrase

i surrender who i've been for who you are

for nothing makes me stronger than your fragile heart

if i had only felt how it feels to be yours

well, i would have known what i've been living for all along

what i've been living for

though we're tethered to the story we must tell

when i saw you, i knew we'd tell it well

with a whisper, we will tame the vicious seas

like a feather bringing kingdoms to their knees.

it's amazing to meet someone who you can bare your soul to and still accept you for who you are. it worth the wait no matter how long.

2 lines appeared

i just received this good news from my long distance friend. having adam alone, already make me envy every time i look at his photo. and now she's having another one. aren't people sometimes blessed more?

when is my turn? i can't wait to play dress up with mine. i'll trade the world just to have mini him inside my belly. Allah, please...please...please...

p/s: if you asked what kind of girl i am, i can only say "i am the kind of girl who read Reader's Digest while filtering drinking water in the kitchen". so you decide.

keep bleeding, keep keep bleeding love

this period cramps.

this swinging mood.

this hormonal phase.

in a time like this, i hate being a woman so much.

why can't we have something much pleasure like wet dream???

the open button collar and the hands in his pocket

"i'd rather die of excitement"

The Romantics

she: you inspired me.

he: you inspired me too.

she: then we were supposed to be together.

he: i know.

she: i'm gonna go and i'm gonna tell everyone that you're okay.

he: but i'm not. i'm not okay.

she: you chose this.

you know i'm trying to change this feelings. i've done everything. other guys, other, other, other toms, other jobs, and they say that it gets easier with times, but it doesn't!!!

if anything the more time passes, the more i miss you.

i promise tonight is the last time i watch this movie. i promise not to repeat my favourite scene. i promise not to listen to the ost everytime i'm driving. i promise to break all my promises.

fashion police

tidak sabar mau ada husband sebab mau atur baju dia tiap waktu.

mau tengok dia pakai checkered shirt.

mau beli baju galang untuk dia.

mau tolong bawa seluar dia alter jadi slim cut pants.

mau pilih boardshort sexy untuk dia.

mau cari shirt Qs yang serius gila fit nice di badan nya.

mau make sure dia update dengan fesyen terkini.

mengikut taste saya yang tidak seberapa best ni.

work attire: seed, padini or g2000. paling semmart gila cutting nya baik seluar mau pun kemeja.

checkered shirt yang bole di guna untuk santai dan majlis separa formal: Qs or pdi.

jeans: levi's, gap, cK or ripcurl.

shirt bodoh-bodoh: Qs, cK or billabong.

p/s: sedang gerigitan surfing fesyen lelaki. teringat kemeja bonia pink K yang dia selalu terpaksa pakai sebab pembeli nya beli ikut suka hati nya. sumpah dia lah makhluk Tuhan paling sexy bila pakai baju tu. dia pakai lagi ka sekarang? kalau tengok dia pakai baju tu, maybe boleh meroyan jatuh cinta sekali lagi kali.

ya. begini la kalau terlalu lama menyingle kan diri.

shopping baju lelaki seribu kali lagi best dari shopping baju sendiri sebab lelaki lebih banyak pilihan tapi dorang bangang dan perasan choosy.

lagu best sekarang: we can't be friends by lorene scafaria. it's not about the lyrics. it's more to my obsession for The Romantics and Josh Duhamel..;p

actually it's more to the lyrics especially the part where she said "i wanna be your kind, i wanna make your bed". yeah, i wanna make your bed cause seriously that blue polka dot bed sheet is too gay for you!!! i kid. but i prefer the white one. the unique flowery one.

my heart is a piece of wood

why do you have to listen to him?

why wait for his words?

why only him can make you see the real thing?

why only him can sooth the anger inside?

why?

perhaps one day if he asked you to marry someone else, you should consider to listen to him too.

it doesn't bring any pleasure to this guilt

i easily feel guilty over something.

but it's just a feeling that i have since forever.

guilty doesn't make me a better person who will try so hard to run away from it.

i wont try to fix it or whatever.

i feel guilty a lot lately.

i feel guilty for not going home this school hols.

i just love my house so much i couldn't bring myself to leave it.

i feel guilty to my body for not eating healthily and letting my mind not working properly.

i feel guilty to everyone for not giving them attention they deserved.

i feel guilty to myself for keeping things and stop expressing the way i used to do.

i feel guilty to my heart for torturing it so much i couldn't breath sometimes.

mostly, i feel guilty to the Almighty for not waking up immediately every time i hear the Subuh call.

what hurt the most is i never take an effort to fix all of this guilt. i just remain my stupid emotionless self who keep pretending everyday that everything is going to be okay in the end. honestly, i feel like a loser sometimes. like a moron who doesn't deserved to get the best thing in life. like a jackass who is not worth a single penny. i miss me. i miss the real me who keep hiding behind this jerk with her attitudinal problem. grow up, zila!!! in the end it's going to be you alone against the world.

p/s: i've been spending my days here peeping through my window to see that handsome jeep of my neighbour. i don't know who's the owner. all i care is how macho that red jeep parking there smiling at me with his perfect teeth and thin lips. it's not actually a Jeep jeep. it is an old Land Drover that we called jeep. i always dream to drive one of its kind. perhaps one day i'll spend all my saving to buy that lil thingy and modify it as my heart desire. yeah, it's free to dream.

museum of innocence

i don't know where to begin with this story. i just love everything about it. from kemal and fusun. then kemal and sibel. it's not about obsession. it's about reminiscing the good all days. i don't know. i see myself as kemal most of the time. it's really hard to be in his shoes. having a fling with the woman he loves the most but engaged to someone else that he didn't intend to hurt. i love the way he makes fusun feel. i love the way he describes fusun's smell. what kind of guy who describes a girl's smell as "combination of children biscuits and burnt caramel". can you imagine how sweet the smell is? until right now i still look for that smell every time i enter bakery shop or chocolate house. i love the way they make love to each other. i love the way he suffered when fusun left. i love how he keep fusun's things. i love how he used to come to fusun's family house to have dinner and stealing their things. i love the idea of him creating a museum to keep all his memory with fusun. how crazy it is to even keep a ruler that fusun used to use when kemal tutoring her maths. and then how cute it is to keep sniffing it 24/7 when fusun left. i know it's insane and so very illogical. but i don't care. love is insane. there's no right or wrong when it comes to love. no one put any rules that one should follow when they're in love. people just follow their heart. i love how Pamuk describes their love making session. not too much not too little. it's not like you're reading one of Robert's art of romance but still it gives you pleasure by imagining how sensual it is but not in erotic way. i know i should stop. luckily, it's only in the first part of the book. or else, i will call daddy to give him green light to accept any proposal come. hehe.

still, i wish the story won't end. i'm thinking of reread this book when i really have time.

p/s: perhaps i should start to sniff my marker pen that he borrowed last week. or keep all his food case in my museum. hehe.

i'm actually listening to Candy Shop by Dan Finnerty. can't get enough of how cute this song is.

fetish 2

pesanan teman jauh : stop smelling guy's odour. bila mau berubah? please behave, lala.

dia tidak tau. even a 15 years old boy pun saya curi-curi sniff. ini kan pula lelaki dewasa yang sungguh sangat sedap bau nya.

hanya akan stop bila ada bau yang dapat sniff tiap waktu.

p/s: lately, halifax dengan sandakan rasa macam bersebelah ja.

rasa macam 2006 semula

mau jual kidney atau juga hati, jantung, kaki, tangan atau apa saja sebab ada dua saman baru di terima.

1. saman lesen.

2. saman speed trap.

sungguh berezeki bulan ini.

kalau ada siapa-siapa berminat untuk beli baju terpakai, sila contact saya. mau jual baju mostly by Mango yang mungkin tidak akan pernah di guna pakai akibat kesendatan, lekat, ketat dan meliut. ada juga dari Mod House.

sedang berusaha mengganti kan nya dengan sesuatu yang lebih decent but still from Mango. saya patut tukar kerjaya yang starting gaji bermula dengan angka 4 kalau begini. bisa kuyak di buat nya. mari makan pasir untuk sebulan mendatang.

ok bye.

mau tidur dan mimpi pregnant. orang bilang itu tanda nya mau ada rezeki yang datang.

p/s: nadiah dan jerry, sila berhenti ketawa kan saya. kalau saja kamu di tempat saya, pasti mau ketuk kepala nazran sebab sial sangat.

i swallowed the key to my heart

there is this guy whom i met last december in kK. he is actually one of my clan back in uni life. we used to hang out together. in fact we used to be close. like real close. we used to entertain him on his rebound phase after been cheated by one of our girlfriend. he is a really nice guy. in scale 1-10, i can give him 9 or maybe 10.

he asked me out that time but i'm too lazy to make time for anyone but myself. i'm engaged to family matters and couldn't find the right moment to go out with him. since then we keep in touch. texting and phone call. i must say it's more to him trying to reach me cause i never text him first. and it took 5 calls before i pick it up. it's not like i'm being mean or whatever. i just don't want to have any contact from anyone in my previous life. life was so fucking awesome and sinful that time. i don't need a person who keep remind me of it. it's not like we talk about it. it's just whenever we talk, we always bring something from behind here and there. i maybe laugh at that time, but once he hung up, i curse every conversation we just made. talking about life and everything. friends and families.

he rang me on sunday afternoon when i was in kK. so i picked it up and he asked me to go out for a dinner. i'm not really in the mood to meet people so i turned him down by saying i'm with some friends. but then when i was having dinner with my friends, he rang again inviting me for dinner. after been forced by my friends i said yes. so we went out.

he fetched me at the hotel and we have our dinner somewhere. i was actually texting with someone else for the rest of our dinner. i'm not paying much attention to him but i was shocked when he suddenly confess his feeling to me. he ruined the night and i insisted him to send me back to the hotel. the rest of the night is disaster to me. i should have thought that the night is meant something to him. right from the moment i enter his car, i know something wasn't right. he is too formal and too charming and all that. i know he's trying to impress me. but i always make myself clear in every conversation we made that i'm sort of having unresolved feeling with someone here. when he send me back to the hotel, before i went out, he said "kita steady la. sa benci life sa sekarang ni. rasa macam mau mati ja". the die part i can never forget cause i giggled when i heard it. then i said "kita different sudah. at least aku yang berubah. i'm not looking for relationship but more to something serious". he asked "kau mau kawin?". i said "ya. aku penat sudah mau jadi macam dulu. kalau kau benci life kau sekarang, kau suru family kau cari perempuan untuk kau. kawin". then i left. he text me that night asking me to give him a chance but i didn't replied it. i deleted all his texts and i come back to Bukit Garam acting like nothing happen on the weekend. i regretted saying yes to his invitation. now i lost another great friend.

hati saya gering dan penawar nya hanya pada dia.

anugerah

esok pagi perlu ke bandar. mau beli hadiah dan sijil penghargaan.

selaku AJK Hadiah dan Cenderahati, ramai yang perlu di anugerahi.

tapi sebelum itu saya mau menganugerah kan sekalung penghargaan buat diri saya atas beberapa sebab tertentu. antara nya:

1. pemerhati terhebat.

2. dapat melaksana kan tugas yang begitu penuh keayuan- sungguh bukan diri saya.

3. menyertai pertandingan tarik tali.

4. maintain vogue sepanjang acara, saya serius mati tarik tali kuat-kuat sebab mau menang.

5. pura-pura cover sakit lecet tangan dengan senyum palsu.

6. sore eyes dan muka bengkak tiap malam.

7. jadi keling.

8. dua kali menang milo untuk kuiz guru.

pihak penganjur perlu buat post mortem kali lepas temasya ni. banyak yang mau di sembur. kesian ramai yang jadi mangsa. sesungguh nya orang yang sabar itu lebar jalan nya. kalau mau lagi best, kau tunggu ja nanti di sana. boleh tarik kaki nya yang sebelah andai sebelah lagi sudah cecah nirvana.

ok bye.

mau mandi untuk kesekian kali nya hari ini.

mulus kulit saya tidak menghalang saya untuk berbau lumpur bersama anak-anak di padang

mau beli button fly boyfriend jeans supaya senang kerja dalam toilet. hanya perlu tarik terus ja. tidak perlu susah-susah kasi unzip.

then kasi kurang sikit ni muffin supaya boleh tuck in kemeja dalam itu boyfriend jeans macam katherine heigl selalu buat dalam Life As We Know It.

cukup!!!

mau sambung mengata cerca orang yang tidak buat kerja time sukan. Allah bukan tanya tanggungjawab ibadah kau ja. tapi juga tanggungjawab atas tugas-tugas kau di sekolah. kau kan sama makan gaji dengan kami yang comel dan rajin ni.

ok bye.

jumpa di pintu syurga nanti.

madness

i don't know what's with me lately. i tend to have different idea about things. i have a slip of tongue here and there and i don't know where my mind brought me most of the time.

for instance, i actually want to say "gali parit" but it turned out "gali kubur".

and few days ago when budak kecik and me torn between want to cook ayam masak kicap or ayam masak merah, she asked me why i love ayam masak kicap so much. i don't really have the answer so i said "arwah Khairul dulu pun suka" when i'm trying to say "khairul dulu pun suka ayam masak kicap". i didn't mean anything. but at that moment i thought he no longer in my life and that makes he no longer exist. so the "arwah" words just slip from my mouth. i feel terrible after that. i didn't mean that way. i'm not trying to curse him nor praying for bad things happen to him. i'm not that cruel.

you know that i'm good in making people invisible in front of me. lately i've done it too often. to a lot of people. to a lot of phone call. i heard my phone ringing and i know who's the caller. and i purposely did not pick it up. it's wrong. it's bad. it's too much. what if they called for something important? i might miss it.

i've been listening to the same song while driving. it's actually nothing. i just accidentally hit the "come around soon" by sara bareilles and i'm too lazy to change it. i didn't realize i have listen to it for a week now until i can memorised the lines. people said that your music define who you are. i guess i'm waiting for him to come around soon every time i hear the song. Lord, i just love waiting.

i washed my hair today after didn't wash it since monday. thank God i have this silky hair who never give me smell problem. it always smell the same no matter how long i did not wash it. i feel so blessed. it's getting longer and i like it but it didn't give me enough reason to brush it everyday like normal people. i only brush it whenever i want to feel princess like.

i'm having movie marathon since thursday. i watched a lot of crappy love story from Bridesmaids to When in Rome. now my mind full with this shitty idea about love. i just wish i have someone to share it with. not to share the lovey dovey part but more to discuss the idea of love. how sometimes people being insensible towards it. or i just want to know what is his idea of love. because to me love is when you sit together doing nothing, starring into each other eyes but still feel happy. i lied. that's not my idea of love. to me, love is holding hands in bed and lie still. yeah i lied again. love is starring at him without his aware. love is when you enjoy his smell and his present. love is when you smile whenever you see him smile. love is when you eavesdropping when he's teaching at the next door class. love is when you have "kids, cute alert" moment. love is when you're in love with the same person with no progress for a long time. love is when you turn down better guys for one person. love is madness and i'm the loco. love is stupid and i'm the idiot. love is torture and i'm the hurt one.

life, please don't be so cruel to me

suddenly i start to worry about everything.

first, budak kecik going to get married. that means she's going to apply for transfer. then she's going to transfer to kK. i don't know when but eventually she will.

esan try to be sweet and all that by not forcing her to apply for transfer this April. he's giving a chance for budak kecik to stay with me for another moment. no, actually because he feel so pity for me cause i have no one here. but still it is the nicest thing from a new friend. thanks esan! you're the best..;p

i have a lot of things to worry when she's not around anymore. first and foremost, who's going to prepare breakfast on the weekend? i'm going to wake up hungry..;(

then who's going to prepare dinner? looks like i'm going to have pasta for the rest of my life for dinner. i'm going to be fat...;(

who's going to remind me about school stuff? die..;(

who's going to help me manage my finance? daddy, don't leave me. not now when i still need your wallet to be my backup...;(

who's going to stop me from stuffing my mouth with everything. oh shitty. i'm going to be fat and fugly...;(

who's going to listen to my rant? who's going to be my crying shoulder? who's going to listen to my complain? who's going to say 'you can do this, you can't do that'? who's going to take care of me when i'm sick? who's going to nag me about my attitude? who's going to be my mummy here? who's going to call me stupid whenever i become a total jerk? ;(

oh...i still need budak kecik in my life.

i don't really know where this post is going really.

oh shitty.

stop cursing, zila. mind your language.

pagoda

hot kan lelaki yang suka pakai singlet dalam t-shirt. it gives you another reason to wonder what lies beneath every layer of the shirt.

i saw him wear something like this last saturday. white polo shirt and a singlet.

shit.

EPO needed

kalau period semua pun mau marah.

semua benda tidak kena.

semua orang minta di maki hina cerca.

semua benda mau di makan.

terus rasa mau tukar bedsheet.

lipat 2 weeks laundry.

masak dinner yang sedap.

and i miss you like you're mine.

i start to miss you.

wtf???

someday

someday.

someday.

someday is a very dangerous word.

it's just a code for NEVER.

i was on the verge to miss you

i patiently waited for something to replace my dark

i got out of my bed cause i couldn't sleep

i took my car

it's beautiful moonlit on the road tonight

i've got no one here by my side

i used to walk under these lights with you

and even if you left a long time ago

i miss you so

and it's hard to tell

if you'll ever come again

and it's hard to tell

if you felt this for someone else

and it's hard to tell

if you want to remember this

i've always known i was never your muse

you never looked at me the way i look at you

and you always say that you love me more

but you never show it to me before

and it's hard to tell if you want to remember this

it's hard cause you don't come around anymore

i hope you find whatever is you looking for

i hope you miss the streets like i do

cause this is what left of me and you

super tired of being weightless.