butter to my bread

when i'm sitting at the bench outside Head of Department room this morning, i've been distracted by a smell. i was like God, please stop torturing me with this smell. suddenly i saw him coming out from the HEM room. again i was like God, why you grant me with this smell's gift.
i miss that smell. i hate that smell. i love that smell. it's like he purposely torturing me with that smell. keep using it every day when he well aware how much i love that smell. you know what it feels like when you like something but you're not allowed to touch it, to be near to it, to be close to it, to be able enjoying every moment of it just because you're such Ego Maniac. just because you're the most Stubborn Rebellious Princess. just because you're the Sulking Queen.

p/s: not talking to each other give me more space to enjoy the art of peeking. secretly enjoying that sexy ass. the move every time he walks. the tight pants holding that yummilicious roundy thing. i like it.

shit!!! i sound like a pervert enjoying girl's body. seriously, am i a girl or a guy?

another not-so-practical Sunday

so here i am alone in house again. budak kecik is going to LD. i'm just tired to go anywhere. after three days of school sports day, three days of holiday seems not enough to regain all the energy and all the noon nap that i've missed. budak kecik is officially no longer a matron anymore. and that allows us to spend 24/7 together. as if we were couple. yuck!!! haha...

i got a new hair cut last friday. nothing new actually. a fringe with a slightly longer bob. this time around, i just went to the salon, taking all my guts to cut it without asking permission or some opinion from anyone. not even him. though i know how much he likes a girl with a long hair. seriously, does it makes any different? no, right? OMG!!! i'm so brave. haha...i'm happy with the new look cause i look a little bit younger. not saying that i am old right now. so it is true when they said that making some changes to yourself can bring a new energy. a positive force to you. i kinda feel it right now.

remember when i said i start losing weight lately? budak kecik said i look bidak in my cotton pants now. i should firming my body. should do the hill sprint to make sure my butt stay firmer. weight gaining? it's not that hard for me. all i need is a glass of milk and a pack of cookies right before bed time.

too many things happen lately. i so hate hectic chaotic life. even hate the fact that i have to pretend that i like everyone here when actually i curse every time i saw their faces. and whenever i have to talk to certain people, and they treat me nicely, in my heart i feel like 'enough la...stop acting like i don't know what kind of crap you were talking behind my back'. i hate that feeling. why can't anyone be like me? you know when i don't like somebody, i just stop making any contact to them. i won't talk. i won't see their faces. i seldom hate people. only when they do bad things to me then i realize that and i stop be nice and be mean instead. daddy keep asking me to stop acting that way. saying that i am big enough to acting like a child. but i just couldn't. i'm not a kid anymore where i can pretend to be their friends so that i can have a friends to play around. plus, when they no longer a friend to me, it just gives me another reason to talk bad things about them without feeling guilty that i bad talking my own friends. haha. cool kan?

dani asked me yesterday about our little argument that leads to cold-shoulder war. i kind of what? who told you all of this? he didn't said anything but chuckles. off course he was the one who told dani. who else kan? so he did realize about that. that means he knows that it hurts me a lot when he treat me that way. hey!!! i never yell to you. i talk to you nicely. always. all the time. not one time i raise my voice to you. not even when i'm in PMS. is it wrong for me when i expect you to at least treat me the same way i do even when you're not in a good mood? compare to me, in a one whole month how many times did you face mood swing? none. or at least once. me? i'm having PMS a week before the menses and a week after the menses. 14 days and plus another 7-8 days of mood swing during the menses. that makes 21-22 days of 30 in a month. so now you tell me in that time, did i ever yell at you? did i ever make you as my punching bag whenever i'm mad at the students? did i ever treat you badly even when the world start to be such a diabolic to me? now you tell me!!!

ya saya sangat kecik hati dengan kamu. dan saya juga tahu kamu bukan kisah.

p/s: got to go. have to:

1. shower.

2. can i just pretend that it's not my time to cook for lunch today?

3. calling mum to ask for the winter melon chicken soup recipe. (it's raining season again here. i just want to make sure that every one of us stay healthy and not caught any flu or cough)

4. preparing lesson plan for my observation tomorrow.

5. start packing my stuff before moving to Perumahan next week. (mati la. punya banyak barang. should have listen to mum when she said i should stop buying things i don't need)

hey!!! i have not take my breakfast yet.

ramble

have a talk last night with pendekar laut via phone call. not that serious actually. we're gossiping. talking some random stuff about school and life. damn, i miss that guy. we not actually gossiping but more to mengutuk. but the gang is not enough. squidward should be there too. menambah perencah. it's been a long time since i have this kind of talk. budak kecik not so jahat mulut. she seems against this attitude. big bird lagi la. as long as that someone did not talk bad thing about him in front of him, he won't say a lot. such a kind heart person. though pendekar laut no longer in school with us, he still up date with things happen here. we talk and talk and talk. suddenly he mention the new rank of 'bidakness' in school. i'm laughing my arse out. just can't control myself. how can he think of something like that. that's totally brilliant. i never thought of something mean like that. that means i'm such a nice person too. haha. i am an angel after all. only the slutty version of it...;p
it's saturday and here i am stuck in this place called bukit garam. it's even miracle to not going out to sandakan. today activities since i woke up this morning:
1. breakfast with budak kecik at some place they called heaven of nasi kuning and nasi lalap. my POV: the taste is close to heaven compare to ours.
2. house cleaning. it's totally a mess when the weekend come. i just don't have time to tidy it up during school days. i always in a rush since i woke up at 6 am every morning...;)
3. i should take a shower now cause i start to smell like a piglet. haha. not really. i smell ckin2u. bila ni perfume mau habis? masuk tahun ketiga sudah. i just love the smell of it till i use it before bed time. and the smell of aqua lily really awakening me in the morning.
4. have to call kak lin to place my order. she's in kL with the kids now.
5. have to call daddy to confirm some stuff regarding my bimboness.

the complete us during annual dinner last year
pingu+big bird+barbie+squidward+barney+pandekar laut+kelly
now all we need is zaza to be entertain.

ya. saya sunyi.

kalau di ikut kan aku tidak la hairy mana pun. bukan macam certain perempuan yang punya bulu kaki dan tangan yang panjang. kalau itu aku mau. sebab buat tangan nampak lebih sexy. di mata aku.

the thing is bulu itu tumbuh di kawasan-kawasan larangan. contoh nya bermisai dan ada janggut sikit. kata barney, perempuan bermisai kuat sex. hebat teori dia. lebih sandi bila perut berbulu. ya. perut aku berbulu. sangat tidak menguja kan. kutuk la aku. tidak best kan?

aku rindu tengok ica pregnant. sebab bagi aku dia preggy mummy yang paling sexy aku pernah tengok. giant belly dia sangat menggiur kan. aku tidak pernah tertarik untuk menikah bila tengok orang kawin. jauh sekali hadiri majlis perkahwinan. tapi bila tengok perempuan pregnant, baby comel, toddler cute, rasa macam sekarang juga mau kawin. masuk bilik. kunci pintu. foreplay. make love. orgasm. dan 6 minggu selepas itu terima berita gembira. hebat. teruja. mau kawin bukan sebab lain tapi sebab mau itu. bila mau dapat? Tuhan, beri kan aku cinta please.

rasa tidak gembira lately sebab berat badan macam turun. kurus tidak begitu menggoda aku. aku kurang gemar bila tengok scale mencatat 52kg. aku mau lebih dari itu tapi tidak melintasi 58kg. kurung moden pun boleh zip sendiri sekarang. biasa nya terpaksa berhempas pulas semasa mengena kan nya. sah. terbukti. budak pun ada tegur. pinggang tecer makin kecik. off course la. rahsia nya, kurang kan pengambilan carbs. sapu kan lotion pati halia sebelum tidur setiap malam. dan yang paling penting, kurang kan mengumpat dan menyibuk hal orang. mengumpat kan ibarat makan daging orang yang sedang di perkata kan. apa guna susah payah menahan nafsu makan tapi mulut tidak pandai berhenti bau longkang. okey cukup. itu sahaja rahsia nya. sekarang mari pigi dapur minum segelas susu dan setengah paket oreo. heaven.

sekarang ni musim mengawan di sekolah. silap la. musim sukan. tapi hujan turun tanpa henti lately. padang jadi berlumpur. finally but getah yang di beli tahun lepas dapat di guna kan. hari ni sukan tara. aku sebagai ketua pencatat masa untuk acara sprint berkubang dengan budak kecik, amoi cantik dan beberapa lagi senior lain. budak cakap aku pigi menombak. hey!!! tecer kalau cuti di rumah pun ikut menombak okey. bila sukan begini, banyak remind aku dengan pendekar laut. kalau aku yang bff sahaja rindu kan dia, apa tah lagi budak kecik yang kekasih. aku rasa sukan yang paling best adalah sukan tahun lepas. satu sebab ketua dan penolong match. iswara: sporty. wira: cool. perdana: alim. satria: mesti la kacak dan cantik. haha. bukan la. outstanding. sebab paling bising mulut. walau pun kalah teruk, semangat kesukanan tu masih ada. itu yang paling penting dan perlu di terap kan. setan la. mengeramput saja. tapi squidward juga setuju dengan pendapat aku yang sukan tahun lepas best. sebab setelah bertahun-tahun bukit garam bersukan dalam hujan, tahun lepas cuaca cerah sepanjang 3 hari kejohanan. macam kena bless pula. itu tahun kami. segala-gala nya indah.

tadi petang sempat jumpa dani kejap. kalau tidak fikir itu dani tunangan orang, atau senang cakap kalau saja dani tu pingu atau big bird atau squidward, mau saja aku hug dan squeeze him tightly. sebab telampau sayang kawan macam dia. dani la satu-satu nya manusia yang bukan talam dua muka di bukit garam ni. tapi tadi dia bilang, sebenar nya dia la master mind dalam semua hal yang jadi. haha. macam aku tidak cukup kenal kau saja. dia terharu tapi tidak dapat menangis. lucu tu anak. innocent dan senang tertipu. naive. tapi selagi aku di bukit garam ni, i won't let anyone do anything to him.
ba...besok lagi la aku sambung mengeramput. jangan risau. aku sudah siap kan RPH di sekolah tadi. buku pun boleh marking di sekolah nanti. jadi adalah juga di nampak yang aku ni buat kerja. tidak la balik-balik nama kau kau dan kau ja yang naik sebagai guru berkaliber. kira nya bila pulang rumah aku punya banyak waktu untuk surfing. makan. besar kan pantat. dan buat aktiviti-aktiviti sihat seperti ukur katil dan cuci piring.

pendekar laut, squidward, kelly, barbie and pingu
masa ni barney belum ada lagi sebab tengah sibuk ajar budak menyanyi tempat lain.
big bird pula sombong sangat time ni. maklum la, dia kan asal sesame street.

p/s: mms big bird tadi buat aku ketawa sendiri.

observation

you know what it feels like when you finally have the mood to finish your pending book, you spend your time reading it and then suddenly your house is black out? sucks kan? macam sial. even sial when the power on off in every 10 minutes. sial kan? then you stop reading, switch on your notebook and online. and you browse your facebook. look at what every body up to. and accidentally you running to some old friend's profile, stroll down her wall. seeing some of her picture. until you found something unbelievable. she's not single (as usual). she never be. always save something for rainy season la this girl. but what surprised me is when i look at their picture together. i was like such a waste, girl. she's so fucking beautiful with a sweet smile and killing body. but when i saw that man, he's totally out of her league. love is blind. cinta tak kenal siapa. but they look happy together. i'm happy for them.

suddenly a question pop out from my chat box. it's from her. the question is 'are you single now?'. and i said 'yes, i am. why?'. she said 'how come?'. i said 'come come' when actually i don't know what to tell her. i think she knows me best when it comes to relationship. since high school i think every one knows that i don't talk much about my relationship. it's not like i'm not that open. but because i'm such ignorant person. i don't know what to answer them when actually i know nothing about the current item of mine. haha. it's not like i don't know. it's just malas mau cakap.

when i'm tired of answering her questions, i go offline. what a cute escape. so i continued browsing my news feed. observing people. like i said in my previous wall post, people did 'melacur perhatian' each other. they commenting each other's status when actually they talking bad things about that particular person. come on la. such a bitchy things to do. they become friends to someone they actually don't know. they leave a comment. they like each other photo. maybe it's just their way of getting to know people. maybe. as for me it is ages ago since i add new people. i'm happy with my current friend list. they all in my surrounding. i know them. they know me. except for one little person. she adds me. not me adding her. mengerat kan silaturrahim. it's never a wrong thing. haha...zila...zila....bila mau berubah?

i'm thinking about cutting my hair shorter. for real. i'm tired of my hair now. i think it's ruined. unhealthy. ini la akibat nya bila hari-hari pakai tudung. i never have bad hair day so i seldom thinki about it. when is the last time i pay a visit to saloon for hair treatment? oh yeah...it was around december 2009, few days before went to kK for taklimat posting. awesome. no wonder my hair looks like a wire.

i'm kinda having insomnia when i'm alone at home. i can't sleep. that's why you get three entry posted for today. saya sangat rajin menulis hari ini untuk mengisis kekosongan hidup. as if my life is that empty. haha...it is empty after almost an hour talking on the phone with dady this evening. as usual, i amused him with my silly tales about school and stuff. yeay me!!!

kau tau apa?

friends: why him?

me: why not?

friends: he's petite.

me: his heart is huge.
friends: you can get better.

me: he's my better.

friends: there are many fishes in the sea.

me: not as shinny as mine.

friends: will he make you happy?

me: happy is subjectives.
friends: he won't change.

me: i'll wait.

friends: forget him.

me: i wont.
friends: you'll suffer.

me: suffer brings me pleasure.
friends: you are crazy.

me: for him.
friends: you so hard.

me: you people make me even harder.

penculik: looking at your picture together makes me wonder how can he not be attracted to a girl like you.

me: hanya dia dan Tuhan yang tahu apa isi hati nya.

be nice please

i know i'm such a rude person. i yell as i wish. my word is worse. i'm using blow and job in the same sentence. but still i talk to certain people nicely. in a proper way. now when i get a reply like "kau siapa mau mengarah-arah aku?" from someone i talk extra nicely, i was like .........wtf?

perhaps you had a bad day. but it doesn't mean that you can use me as your punching bag. some thing to let go of your anger. or maybe i'm asking too much for you to turn around?

semalam yang hangat

there's nothing beat lying on bed wearing tank top and boardshort in a rainy day reading pending book

"Jadi anda dapat membaca hati ku, Padre. Anda tahu aku mencintai nya, dan cinta ku semakin besar bersama belalu nya waktu. Bersama-sama kami menemu kan dunia dan tinggal di dalam nya. Ia selalu ada setiap hari dalam hidup ku-entah aku mengingin kan nya atau tidak."

"Aku berhak bahagia, Padre. Aku telah menemu kan yang hilang, dan tidak ingin kehilangan lagi. Aku akan berjuang demi kebahagiaan ku. Jika aku menyerah, aku akna meninggal kan kehidupan spiritual ku. Seperti kata anda, aku akna mengenyah kan Tuhan bersama-sama kekuatan dan kuasa ku sebagai wanita. Aku akan berjuang demi mendapat kan diri nya, Padre."

towards the ending...

Mata ku di penuhi air.
"Aku akan duduk bersama mu di tepi sungai ini. Jika kau pulang untuk tidur, aku akan tidur di luar rumah mu. Jika kau pergi, aku akan mengikuti mu-sampai kau mengusir ku pergi. Maka baru la aku pergi. Tapi aku harus mencintai mu sepanjang hidup ku."

Di tepi sungai Piedra aku duduk dan menangis.
"Cinta mu telah menyelamat kan aku dan mengembali kan aku ke mimpi."
"Ia akan membantu ku menemukan jalan ku lagi."
"Jalan kita."
"Ya. Jalan kita."
Ia meraih tangan ku dan menarik ku hingga berdiri.

not every one is that lucky be able to find the soul mate who is willing to wait. to sacrifice their present for the sake of the love one. and not every one is willing to accept you for who you are.


p/s: and it takes me more than a month to finish this 222 pages book. Indonesian is so hard to be understood. they complicate the simple things.

i am against polygamy and fat-ass-bitch

baru-baru ini terbaca artikel di facebook mengata kan haram hukum nya bagi wanita menetang poligami.

saya tidak kisah ia nya haram atau tidak. saya tetap menentang nya.

lelaki bila berkata tentang poligami seribu dalil cuba di keluar kan. cuba la di aju kan tentang nafkah dan ibadah. ptuikk!!! haram.

saya bukan benci poligami. cuma saya kurang menerima nya. bukan punya pengalaman. cuma lebih pemerhatian.

cuba saja kaum adam di letak kan di tempat itu. pasti kamu juga cukup sakit.

di dua kan kekasih saja boleh buat kamu terseksa batin tutup pintu hati bertahun-tahun. tidak mampu menerima cinta baru dalam hidup kerana seksa nya di dua kan.

bayang kan la jika terpaksa berkongsi kasih dan penis yang sudah sah menjadi milik sendiri dengan orang lain.

sakit, bukan?

jangan hanya memandang pada keinginan diri dan batin. jauh sekali memperkata kan tentang ibadah dan agama.

kamu bukan baik sangat. tidak semulia mana.

zaman lelaki adil iman penuh di dada tidak wujud lagi sekarang ini.

kasihani wanita. fahami jiwa isteri. ketahui kehendak batin nya.

tidak mendapat payung emas juga tidak mengapa jika proses mendapat kan nya cukup terseksa.

let's stick to the 'one penis for one vagina' policy just like we stick to 'one vagina for one penis'.

***talking about something else, kalau kamu lelaki beriman yang di datang kan dengan pakej lengkap seperti ini:

> 6ft.

> sweet smile with a shining eyes.

> 6 packs.

> not-so hairy.

> with a great sense of humor.

> brilliant mind.

> pious soul.

> sexy ass.

> huge package.

> stunningly good in suit and carrot pants.

> ravish in street smart look.

> delicious with only boxer or maybe board short and white T-shirt.

> dishy feet in flip flop.

dan mampu buat saya teriak dan tersenyum puas selepas 7 kali climax setiap malam, only then i can consider to commit suicide for you.

kalau setakat mulut sama lahanat mencarut nya, solat tidak terjaga, akhlak tidak semulia mana, kamu tidak akan jauh lebih baik dari saya.

p/s: rasa nya semua orang tau cara pemanduan berbahaya saya. tapi saya heran bila ada rumors terbaru mengata kan saya mau bunuh diri dengan memandu laju bila jiwa di sakiti. weird, right?

seingat saya, jarang sekali saya keluar tanpa di temani budak kecik. tidak kan la saya ingin membunuh budak kecik sekali. kalau ya pun mau bunuh diri, banyak lagi cara lain yang tidak begitu menyakit kan.

iman saya tidak setipis itu. keyakinan saya pada Tuhan begitu teguh. amat mustahil untuk saya melakukan perbuatan jahil seperti itu.

sudah-sudah la tu menjaja cerita tentang saya. tidak pernah rasa nya saya menyibuk hal kamu. jauh sekali mau menyebar cerita tentang kamu. hal kamu pun saya tidak ambil tau. apa yang menarik tentang hidup saya sehingga kan kamu begitu suka dengan nya?

satu pesan saya, jangan terlalu di sakit kan hati saya. takut buruk padah yang kamu terima nanti. cukup lama saya bersabar.

p/s/s: high taste? ukur baju di badan sendiri, please.

i happen to love the attraction

Dear friends,

don't expect me to be that sad for what we've known recently. i used to know far more worst things about that particular person. not saying that i'm strong. but to be frank, that kind of things is just a piece of shit. it won't effected me. seriously. talking bad things about others to someone you talk bad behind is normal to them. is like their hobby. they're different. they not like us. we don't go bitching around our friends when they not here with us. when A and B together, they talk about C. when B and C together, they talk about A and when A and C together, they talk about B. and when A,B,C together, they talk some more about other people and laugh their not-so-sexy ass loud. that's their circle. they are a bunch of people who never satisfy with their own life. so when we came with such alluring fun, they become so jealous because they no longer be the apple of the SH eyes. people no longer look up on them. because perhaps, or just maybe, they not so good looking, not that cool like each of us. they feel threatened by us. they envy us. they hate us. so they start spreading rumors about us especially me. creating so untrue story. reporting fake stuff to the admin. back stabbing us. and many more evil things they did to us. too bad, all that things never bother us much. now we can only pity them for having that kind of life. for having that kind of friends. it is not every one is that lucky to have a friends like each of us. though we come from different places, races, religion, we still stand together strongly. and i just want to thank all of you for always be there for me. for supporting each other. for every littlest thing.

to my playmate in bunny land, you guys are awesome. you guys rock.

webby high five!!!

PMS

post-mens-syndrome

p/s: macam sial!!!

where did i go wrong?

for over two years i keep praying that it would never be happen. every time i went to kK, i've been avoiding place that we used to go. i keep hiding from our circle. i've been deleting all the memories. keep asking God to veil me from his eyes. secrete him from me. but who am i to ask for it when it's written that we belong to the same place. and who am i to forbid God's will when HE wants us to see each other. even just in a glance.

for years and years we've been on and off. he break it off when he so tired of my att. and plead me to take him back when he's alone. and i always say yes. not because of stupidity. not because of idiotic. but i hate to start a new things. i hate to get to know new people. i hate to meet stranger. and the most thing is deep down in my heart i have the voice saying he will come back to me no matter what. and so years and years we're living in each other's shadow pretending that we love each other. mostly him pretending that he loves me. and me keep lying to myself that i always want to spend the rest of my life with this guy. but it's all lie. especially on my side. i lied to him saying that i love him when i only love myself. i only know how to love myself. i only know how to please myself.

when he walk away for another girl, it hurt so bad. it effects me in so many ways. until now. i must be a liar when i said i've moved on. bullshit. it's all bullshit. i lied to dad saying that i've moved on. saying that i'm okay. asking him to stop the healing session. just because i don't want him to spend another money for stupid reason when i know very well to hell i can get rid of him. and i'm right. there still some spot in my heart, in my brain for him. or am i just in love of torturing myself when i'm alone?

and seeing him on friday in my own town, in my own place with the girl, kills me. ruined me. bruised me. who i try to lie now? me, him, dad or you?

cukup sakit. macam mati sekejap. serius.

buat kali ini aku tidak marah di anggap BIMBO

atas cinta pada pink karna...

ini sangat menggoda.
begitu menggiur kan dengan harga rm439.
orgasmicaly pleasure.
minda dan keinginan kini sedang bersetubuh.

p/s: dia di tanah jajahan ku. yeay!!!

kamu yang pakai perfume Polo Black

aku dan nafas ku,
merindu kan mu