rasa macam 2006 semula

mau jual kidney atau juga hati, jantung, kaki, tangan atau apa saja sebab ada dua saman baru di terima.

1. saman lesen.

2. saman speed trap.

sungguh berezeki bulan ini.

kalau ada siapa-siapa berminat untuk beli baju terpakai, sila contact saya. mau jual baju mostly by Mango yang mungkin tidak akan pernah di guna pakai akibat kesendatan, lekat, ketat dan meliut. ada juga dari Mod House.

sedang berusaha mengganti kan nya dengan sesuatu yang lebih decent but still from Mango. saya patut tukar kerjaya yang starting gaji bermula dengan angka 4 kalau begini. bisa kuyak di buat nya. mari makan pasir untuk sebulan mendatang.

ok bye.

mau tidur dan mimpi pregnant. orang bilang itu tanda nya mau ada rezeki yang datang.

p/s: nadiah dan jerry, sila berhenti ketawa kan saya. kalau saja kamu di tempat saya, pasti mau ketuk kepala nazran sebab sial sangat.

i swallowed the key to my heart

there is this guy whom i met last december in kK. he is actually one of my clan back in uni life. we used to hang out together. in fact we used to be close. like real close. we used to entertain him on his rebound phase after been cheated by one of our girlfriend. he is a really nice guy. in scale 1-10, i can give him 9 or maybe 10.

he asked me out that time but i'm too lazy to make time for anyone but myself. i'm engaged to family matters and couldn't find the right moment to go out with him. since then we keep in touch. texting and phone call. i must say it's more to him trying to reach me cause i never text him first. and it took 5 calls before i pick it up. it's not like i'm being mean or whatever. i just don't want to have any contact from anyone in my previous life. life was so fucking awesome and sinful that time. i don't need a person who keep remind me of it. it's not like we talk about it. it's just whenever we talk, we always bring something from behind here and there. i maybe laugh at that time, but once he hung up, i curse every conversation we just made. talking about life and everything. friends and families.

he rang me on sunday afternoon when i was in kK. so i picked it up and he asked me to go out for a dinner. i'm not really in the mood to meet people so i turned him down by saying i'm with some friends. but then when i was having dinner with my friends, he rang again inviting me for dinner. after been forced by my friends i said yes. so we went out.

he fetched me at the hotel and we have our dinner somewhere. i was actually texting with someone else for the rest of our dinner. i'm not paying much attention to him but i was shocked when he suddenly confess his feeling to me. he ruined the night and i insisted him to send me back to the hotel. the rest of the night is disaster to me. i should have thought that the night is meant something to him. right from the moment i enter his car, i know something wasn't right. he is too formal and too charming and all that. i know he's trying to impress me. but i always make myself clear in every conversation we made that i'm sort of having unresolved feeling with someone here. when he send me back to the hotel, before i went out, he said "kita steady la. sa benci life sa sekarang ni. rasa macam mau mati ja". the die part i can never forget cause i giggled when i heard it. then i said "kita different sudah. at least aku yang berubah. i'm not looking for relationship but more to something serious". he asked "kau mau kawin?". i said "ya. aku penat sudah mau jadi macam dulu. kalau kau benci life kau sekarang, kau suru family kau cari perempuan untuk kau. kawin". then i left. he text me that night asking me to give him a chance but i didn't replied it. i deleted all his texts and i come back to Bukit Garam acting like nothing happen on the weekend. i regretted saying yes to his invitation. now i lost another great friend.

hati saya gering dan penawar nya hanya pada dia.

anugerah

esok pagi perlu ke bandar. mau beli hadiah dan sijil penghargaan.

selaku AJK Hadiah dan Cenderahati, ramai yang perlu di anugerahi.

tapi sebelum itu saya mau menganugerah kan sekalung penghargaan buat diri saya atas beberapa sebab tertentu. antara nya:

1. pemerhati terhebat.

2. dapat melaksana kan tugas yang begitu penuh keayuan- sungguh bukan diri saya.

3. menyertai pertandingan tarik tali.

4. maintain vogue sepanjang acara, saya serius mati tarik tali kuat-kuat sebab mau menang.

5. pura-pura cover sakit lecet tangan dengan senyum palsu.

6. sore eyes dan muka bengkak tiap malam.

7. jadi keling.

8. dua kali menang milo untuk kuiz guru.

pihak penganjur perlu buat post mortem kali lepas temasya ni. banyak yang mau di sembur. kesian ramai yang jadi mangsa. sesungguh nya orang yang sabar itu lebar jalan nya. kalau mau lagi best, kau tunggu ja nanti di sana. boleh tarik kaki nya yang sebelah andai sebelah lagi sudah cecah nirvana.

ok bye.

mau mandi untuk kesekian kali nya hari ini.

mulus kulit saya tidak menghalang saya untuk berbau lumpur bersama anak-anak di padang

mau beli button fly boyfriend jeans supaya senang kerja dalam toilet. hanya perlu tarik terus ja. tidak perlu susah-susah kasi unzip.

then kasi kurang sikit ni muffin supaya boleh tuck in kemeja dalam itu boyfriend jeans macam katherine heigl selalu buat dalam Life As We Know It.

cukup!!!

mau sambung mengata cerca orang yang tidak buat kerja time sukan. Allah bukan tanya tanggungjawab ibadah kau ja. tapi juga tanggungjawab atas tugas-tugas kau di sekolah. kau kan sama makan gaji dengan kami yang comel dan rajin ni.

ok bye.

jumpa di pintu syurga nanti.

madness

i don't know what's with me lately. i tend to have different idea about things. i have a slip of tongue here and there and i don't know where my mind brought me most of the time.

for instance, i actually want to say "gali parit" but it turned out "gali kubur".

and few days ago when budak kecik and me torn between want to cook ayam masak kicap or ayam masak merah, she asked me why i love ayam masak kicap so much. i don't really have the answer so i said "arwah Khairul dulu pun suka" when i'm trying to say "khairul dulu pun suka ayam masak kicap". i didn't mean anything. but at that moment i thought he no longer in my life and that makes he no longer exist. so the "arwah" words just slip from my mouth. i feel terrible after that. i didn't mean that way. i'm not trying to curse him nor praying for bad things happen to him. i'm not that cruel.

you know that i'm good in making people invisible in front of me. lately i've done it too often. to a lot of people. to a lot of phone call. i heard my phone ringing and i know who's the caller. and i purposely did not pick it up. it's wrong. it's bad. it's too much. what if they called for something important? i might miss it.

i've been listening to the same song while driving. it's actually nothing. i just accidentally hit the "come around soon" by sara bareilles and i'm too lazy to change it. i didn't realize i have listen to it for a week now until i can memorised the lines. people said that your music define who you are. i guess i'm waiting for him to come around soon every time i hear the song. Lord, i just love waiting.

i washed my hair today after didn't wash it since monday. thank God i have this silky hair who never give me smell problem. it always smell the same no matter how long i did not wash it. i feel so blessed. it's getting longer and i like it but it didn't give me enough reason to brush it everyday like normal people. i only brush it whenever i want to feel princess like.

i'm having movie marathon since thursday. i watched a lot of crappy love story from Bridesmaids to When in Rome. now my mind full with this shitty idea about love. i just wish i have someone to share it with. not to share the lovey dovey part but more to discuss the idea of love. how sometimes people being insensible towards it. or i just want to know what is his idea of love. because to me love is when you sit together doing nothing, starring into each other eyes but still feel happy. i lied. that's not my idea of love. to me, love is holding hands in bed and lie still. yeah i lied again. love is starring at him without his aware. love is when you enjoy his smell and his present. love is when you smile whenever you see him smile. love is when you eavesdropping when he's teaching at the next door class. love is when you have "kids, cute alert" moment. love is when you're in love with the same person with no progress for a long time. love is when you turn down better guys for one person. love is madness and i'm the loco. love is stupid and i'm the idiot. love is torture and i'm the hurt one.

life, please don't be so cruel to me

suddenly i start to worry about everything.

first, budak kecik going to get married. that means she's going to apply for transfer. then she's going to transfer to kK. i don't know when but eventually she will.

esan try to be sweet and all that by not forcing her to apply for transfer this April. he's giving a chance for budak kecik to stay with me for another moment. no, actually because he feel so pity for me cause i have no one here. but still it is the nicest thing from a new friend. thanks esan! you're the best..;p

i have a lot of things to worry when she's not around anymore. first and foremost, who's going to prepare breakfast on the weekend? i'm going to wake up hungry..;(

then who's going to prepare dinner? looks like i'm going to have pasta for the rest of my life for dinner. i'm going to be fat...;(

who's going to remind me about school stuff? die..;(

who's going to help me manage my finance? daddy, don't leave me. not now when i still need your wallet to be my backup...;(

who's going to stop me from stuffing my mouth with everything. oh shitty. i'm going to be fat and fugly...;(

who's going to listen to my rant? who's going to be my crying shoulder? who's going to listen to my complain? who's going to say 'you can do this, you can't do that'? who's going to take care of me when i'm sick? who's going to nag me about my attitude? who's going to be my mummy here? who's going to call me stupid whenever i become a total jerk? ;(

oh...i still need budak kecik in my life.

i don't really know where this post is going really.

oh shitty.

stop cursing, zila. mind your language.

pagoda

hot kan lelaki yang suka pakai singlet dalam t-shirt. it gives you another reason to wonder what lies beneath every layer of the shirt.

i saw him wear something like this last saturday. white polo shirt and a singlet.

shit.

EPO needed

kalau period semua pun mau marah.

semua benda tidak kena.

semua orang minta di maki hina cerca.

semua benda mau di makan.

terus rasa mau tukar bedsheet.

lipat 2 weeks laundry.

masak dinner yang sedap.

and i miss you like you're mine.

i start to miss you.

wtf???

someday

someday.

someday.

someday is a very dangerous word.

it's just a code for NEVER.

i was on the verge to miss you

i patiently waited for something to replace my dark

i got out of my bed cause i couldn't sleep

i took my car

it's beautiful moonlit on the road tonight

i've got no one here by my side

i used to walk under these lights with you

and even if you left a long time ago

i miss you so

and it's hard to tell

if you'll ever come again

and it's hard to tell

if you felt this for someone else

and it's hard to tell

if you want to remember this

i've always known i was never your muse

you never looked at me the way i look at you

and you always say that you love me more

but you never show it to me before

and it's hard to tell if you want to remember this

it's hard cause you don't come around anymore

i hope you find whatever is you looking for

i hope you miss the streets like i do

cause this is what left of me and you

super tired of being weightless.

ring tone

i just love this song so much until i can't let my phone ring without it. but then when i switch my phone, i'm getting tired of the same sound come from my phone. even budak kecik feel so mau muntah. so i decided to make this song as assign tone for him. now whenever i heard this song, i'll run as fast as i can to pick up the phone. i don't mind even if it ring around 3 something disturbing my noon nap. it's been 5 days since i hear it rang. yes, i'm counting.

just in case you show up.

hati terikat

sah.

hati saya sudah tidak di sini. tidak juga di sana.

bila di sana, terasa ingin pulang ke sini.

bila di sini, tidak sampai sejam pun saya sudah mulai merapu.

memenuh kan ruang whatsapp nya dengan kata-kata yang tidak seharus nya saya ucap kan.

semua itu harus saya pendam seperti biasa.

namun ketidakwarasan memaksa saya untuk bertindak bodoh seperti semalam.

mungkin juga kerana di datangi mimpi dia datang solat ke rumah saya pada malam sebelum nya.

di tambah lagi apabila melihat nya mengena kan baju melayu di hari jumaat.

biggest weakness ever.

oh, jiwa dan hati memang tidak pernah mengerti keadaan tuan punya badan.

untuk sesaat beri la saya kebebasan untuk memilih.

beri la saya peluang untuk membuka hati buat yang lain nya.

buat yang lebih sudi.

buat yang sentiasa menanti dan mendahaga kan jawapan-jawapan pasti seperti sabar nya hati menanti jawapan dari pencuri hati saya.

longgar kan la hati agar punya keinginan untuk mengangkat panggilan di malam hari.

ringan kan la tangan untuk membalas pesanan.

jangan menjadi kejam.

oh, itu bila mulut dan minda yang berbicara.

hati dan jiwa tetap pada keinginan nya seperti dua tahun lepas.

pada kali pertama melihat name tag nya.

pada saat pertama hati saya memaki "babi...what's with this guy?"

bodoh.

begitu kejam hati dan jiwa.

begitu besar effect nya terhadap diri saya.

sehingga hati terkunci buat yang lain.

dan saya dengan penuh kebodohan terus dengan rasa itu.

sakit.

Nikmat dunia: chilled tarap and jasmine green tea

saya sepatut nya menjadi si gemuk yang berjaya. tapi lately badan nampak susut. mungkin tidak di mata umum. tapi bagi yang mengenali dekat diri saya, kekurusan itu semakin menghampiri saya. berat badan sememang nya turun. tulang di leher juga sudah jelas kelihatan. dan wajah saya kelihatan pucat. dan saya tidak lagi begitu tembam. menurut teman-teman, wajah saya tidak seceria dulu. nampak begitu tidak gembira.

belakangan ini saya kurang selera makan. jika dulu sehingga pukul 10 malam masih kelihatan saya mengunyah cookies atau apa saja, sekarang tidak lagi. sejak pulang ke sini, sudah beberapa malam saya tidak makan malam. bukan sahaja di sini, sebenar nya perkara ini telah bermula sejak di rumah lagi. lately banyak benda dalam minda. hidup seakan memcaci dan mencerca saya. di datang kan pelbagai dugaan yang agak dahsyat sehingga boleh mendatang kan ketidakwarasan kadang-kadang. namun jika di banding kan dengan permasalahan orang lain, ia nya tidak la berat mana.

cuma masalah-masalah saya ini lebih menguji keimanan dan kesabaran sebagai seorang manusia. lebih menguji dalaman saya. memerlu kan jiwa yang kuat untuk menghadapi nya. dan saya memang kuat. kuat makan hati. kuat pendam. dan kuat pekik bila sudah tidak tahan. saya tahu banyak yang menyangsi kan kebolehan saya di alam pekerjaan. bagi mereka saya hanya bimbo yang tahu pasal lelaki. tapi mereka lupa bimbo ini 4 tahun belajar second language acquisition. mereka tidak tahu saya terlebih dahulu membaca siri Enid Blyton dari cerita pak pandir. mereka tidak tahu saya lebih dulu belajar mengeja apple instead of epal. tolong jangan pertikai bidang tugas saya. sudah saya bilang berkali-kali, masing-masing orang punya cara nya tersendiri. dan saya bukan la guru yang exam-oriented orang nya. apa yang penting ialah anak-anak mampu menanam bahasa asing itu dalam jiwa mereka. saya mohon sekali lagi, beri lah saya peluang untuk jatuh cinta pada kerjaya ini. jangan la patah kan semangat saya dengan benda-benda remeh tapi bisa meruntun jiwa seperti ini.

saya dan bapa juga tidak seakrab dulu. rasa nya kami berdua banyak memendam dan berkecil hati antara satu sama lain. saya terasa begitu jauh dari nya. hanya sesekali terasa dekat dengan wallet nya. itu pun hanya ketika dia mencuba untuk membeli jiwa saya. saya orang nya sangat sensitif. terutama dengan mereka yang begitu dekat di hati saya. rasa begitu sukar untuk tidak lagi bermanja dengan nya seperti dulu. tapi terlalu sukar buat saya untuk menjadi seperti dulu. akan sentiasa terngiang-ngiang "you're not his favourite". mungkin saya agak kebudak-budakan. mungkin juga Tuhan memberi saya peluang untuk menjadi dewasa atas apa yang terjadi.

mungkin.