me: wattafuck!!! geli, tau!!!
someone: betul. cute.
me: part mana?
someone: part yang you teda perasaan stick dengan your papa, nda peduli orang lain.
me: itu pun kau boleh notice?
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Thursday, July 28, 2011
love blooms, magic happen
as if.
i am.1. a reckless driver.
2. i love spending my time alone.
3. trying so hard to avoid the crowd.
4. i have a very weird crush on books. especially inspired story from middle east.
5. i want to have an iPod touch since the day i lost my nano but until right now can't afford to have one.
6. been trying so hard to ask less money from dad and give more to him.
7. jiwang. sort of muka ganas dalam hati ada taman kind of person.
8. been writing my first English poem when i was 12 and still keeping it in my secret place.
9. touched easily.
10. emotionally retarded.
11. today i confess my devotion to you, tomorrow i forget your name.
12. i pretend that i listen to something like the Fray and the Stroke when actually i'm crying listen to gardot and jones music.
13. i like noryn aziz.
14. i love my job. i love my job. i so fuckingly love my job. at least, school is a place where i can have someone to yell when PMS strucks me.
15. i love my kids. the drama team. the matahari. and my anggerik troupe of monkeys.
16. 'if the stars were mine' is my favourite song. i don't mind to be someone who please her love one though everyone knows that i'm not that kind of person.
17. i like to listen to some random song again and again just to listen to my favourite verse.
18. i cry whenever i watch sad movie. in fact, i'm a weeper.
19. can't live a day without jasmine green tea. i feel weak.
20. sometimes, i like to pretend to be a bimbo just to get other people to do some task for me. bad, nay?
21. i feel like i want to show my middle finger whenever a question like 'when will you get married?' occurred. it's like you asking someone 'when are you going to die?'
22. i ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS have a thing with a language person. especially a malay guy with some weird foreign accent. and an enormous gigantic list of vocab. always success to turn me on. and it's a bonus if he can write very well.
23. i wish to have a mini library at home one day. big dream. i know.
24. the most important thing is, i'm a daddy's girl.
yeah, right.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
if the mask start to fit you, don't wear it
lately.
i've read a lot about marriage and stuff like that.
still.
hati batu.
p/s: tunggu kau stop minta duit from parents, baru kita fikir benda itu.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
will ya?
is he running?
try to catch up with him.
if you get tired on the way, don't worry.
he will stop for you, hold your hand and build up your strength to run with him again.
Monday, July 25, 2011
26
it's just a number. not more than that.
hijrah?
bila-bila masa pun boleh.
=)
SELAMAT BERTUAAN ZILA MARSDEN.
Monday, July 18, 2011
i decorate my room just in case you show up
i am single. for the time being.
if. i say IF.
if an ex out of the blue emerged with a diamond in a blue box, i would say yes.
why?
at least he knows me and i know him. we knew each other very well.
silly. i know.
bitter.
not waiting for him.
but my preferable. what i always want in life.
something/someone familiar to me.
just like if a close friend ask my hand for matrimony, i would say yes as well.
to me it's way better than to have to know new people.
the sex, the lust, the charm, it will come later.
and the L word, a close friend, what do you expect? it always there.
the spark? i always start a flame without it. so what's the point of having it?
and yeah, a close friend is someone who knows you like you knew yourself.
the least is he can share the favourite poem with a cup of jasmine green tea and a jazz music when life start to treat you cruel.
p/s: kangaroo or kiwi? i always prefer kiwi though koala sitting next to kangaroo. get it? preferable is a priority to someone like me.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
suri
be my mirror, my sword and shield,
my missionaries in a foreign field,
and i'll do the same for you.
promise. pakka promise.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
till death do us apart
a single tear is enough for a tale like this.
When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.
Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.
She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?
I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!
With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.
She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.
The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.
When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.
In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.
This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.
She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.
I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.
My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside
the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.
On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.
On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.
On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.
She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.
Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.
Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.
But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy.
I drove to office…. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.
She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.
Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.
At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.
That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.
My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.— At least, in the eyes of our son—- I’m a loving husband….
The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!
By Stephanie Halmilton
Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.
She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?
I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!
With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.
She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.
The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.
When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.
In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.
This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.
She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.
I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.
My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside
the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.
On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.
On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.
On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.
She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.
Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.
Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.
But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy.
I drove to office…. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.
She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.
Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.
At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.
That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.
My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.— At least, in the eyes of our son—- I’m a loving husband….
The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!
By Stephanie Halmilton
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Sunday, July 10, 2011
UNSOLVED PROBLEM
1. WORK
i wonder when will i ever stop worrying about work. i know i seldom bring my work back at home. i usually settle everything up at school. i never bring students' exercise book at home. i will make time to check their work at school. i finish my lesson plan. people thought i have nothing to do at home other than watching movie, reading and sleeping as i always say. but actually i still think about work when i'm home. i'm teaching 5 form 3 classes. their future is in my hand. if they failed their English, i'm the one to be blame by Mr. Principal. it scare the hell out of me. what am i supposed to do? PMR is just around the corner and i know my students are not ready for it. i've been trying so hard preparing everything for them. drills, exercise, tests. still it leads nowhere. i'm going to be a dead meat. burn alive by the principal and the admin...;(
2. FINANCE
after almost 2 years of working, i still don't know how to manage my monthly expenses. i always over budgeting myself in everything. still can't live without daddy's money. daddy usually will give me 200-300 a month as a pocket money. that's not included my fuel and any expenses when i'm home in tawau. i have no saving. and what worse, i don't even know where the money gone. for God sake, they don't even have shopping mall here in sandakan. i guess i spent more in food and beverages. no wonder i'm such a fat cow. how am i suppose to solve this? i need a financial manager!!!
3. FEELING
huuuuuuhhhhhhhhh...a very big sigh. i hate how i feel right now. it's like there's a burden inside of me that i have to let go but i just don't know how. emotionally unstable. i just need someone to talk to, someone who can understand me. but i know once i meet this person, i wont talk. not even a single words. cause that's what i am. reserved. so just forget it.
i do flirt, a lot. but i never let things go beyond words. i will only go for someone i really like and i don't get one just for fun. i will wait for the one guy that is potentially the be all and end all.
God, help!!! mati.
what a wonderful world
i went to sandakan yesterday with two most closest person ever, budak kecik and big bird. nothing special happen actually. but at some point i feel so very glad and unconditionally happy without some explainable and logical reason.
start with forcing big bird to join us for his stupid refusal and 'janji melayu' fetching time. what can i say. i'm not even a pure malay. still i can't at least be punctual. reached there around 11 something. straight to Nam Choon to take our lunch. i don't know why i have this little Chinese food appetite. we have a chicken rice with a steam fish. then to Sabah Hotel to settle something and to fulfil our lustrous mouth with a cheese cake. i love the green tea cheese cake and i feel content with the taste of it inside my mouth. orgasmically pleasure. do groceries at Genting Mas. i don't know why i never have the heart to do groceries there. the environment doesn't suits me perhaps. went there just for the sake of big bird. i don't care how cheaper the prices are there. i'm not comfortable with the place. so we went to giant. but before that we stop by at 7 Heaven for a little tea time.
i told you nothing special. but what i love is our way back home moment. we tune to Radio Music. the dj played songs around late 80s and early 90s. we were surprised when we can still remember some of the song. though some of it we don't even heard before. we sing our arz out. scream. not really singing. i'm just so happy. watching big bird smiling. seeing budak kecik laughing. i would trade the world just to see those smiles again and again. euphoric.
p/s: i now weight around 57kg. unbelievable? believe it. devastated for not be able to buy a new Levi's jeans. sandakan outlet is having sale for old item. i tried size 26, unfit. 27, unfit. i'm getting worried. i asked for size 28, unfit!!! i repeat UNFIT. then what is my size now?
Friday, July 8, 2011
Thursday, July 7, 2011
wedding vow
may you never steal, lie or cheat
but if you must steal, and steal away my sorrow
and if you must lie, lie with me every night for the rest of my life
and if you must cheat, please cheat death
because i couldn't live a day without you.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Friday, July 1, 2011
whore
the world does not always revolved around you. you are not the trend setter when you know very well i'm the first one who did every thing you do now. that makes me as the trend setter. yet i never claim anyone as a copy cater when i know all that trend belong to the 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s. you and me just relive it. believe me, no one wants to be a clone when we all well aware that we're just cloning someone from behind back when life was new and people were young. so please, please, please, grow up. never claim anyone as a follower. comprehende?
i am now trying to understand life from a prostitute, Maria, point of view. something worthwhile than reading your full of grammatical error works.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
faham?
i need something beautiful like this.
not necessary a husband.
just a guy.
“You were born together,
and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when the white wings
of death scatter your days.
Aye, you shall be together even in the
silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another, but make not a bond of love.
Let it rather be a moving sea between
the shores of your souls.
…
And stand together, yet not too near together.
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress
grow not in each other’s shadow.”
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
a start
there's a thing i've been keeping for quite some time. i need to burst it out. i just don't know where i'm supposed to start.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
to all the men out there
Date a Girl Who Read
by Rosemary Urquico
Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes. She has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve.
Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag.She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she finds the book she wants. You see the weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a second hand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow.
She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the book.
Buy her another cup of coffee.
Let her know what you really think of Murakami. See if she got through the first chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she says she understood James Joyce’s Ulysses she’s just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if she loves Alice or she would like to be Alice.
It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas and for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry, in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does.
She has to give it a shot somehow.
Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world.
Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who understand that all things will come to end. That you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.
Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilightseries.
If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.
You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s sick. Over Skype.
You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.
Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.
p/s: (^^)
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
thoughts
i'm good in memorising.
i remember people face.
i remember their clothes.
i remember their name.
i remember their story.
and mostly i remember their smells.
budak kecik= floral and womanly
ah moi= soft and feminine
minachi= pooja karu
penyanyi= too strong
pingu= musk with a little nicotine
barney= nice one...in fact, my favourite of all
big bird= pricey...and individuality
sang sir= still...turn on is the right word
babe= missing, slightly longing and yearning for more
the thing is, will they remember me the way i remember them?
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Monday, June 20, 2011
baby sophie
i don't care if it hurts
i want to have control
i want a perfect body
i want a perfect soul
i want you to notice when i'm not around
cause i'm special
so fucking special
but i'm a creep
i'm a weirdo
what the hell am i doing here
i don't belong here
-everybody loves radiohead.
Friday, June 17, 2011
mutant and proud
go fuck yourself
(enough to put a smile on my face while watching X-Men: first class)
go Jackman!!!
go Australia!!!
;)
Thursday, June 16, 2011
once again
i know that You won't answer my prayer through this. but i believe that You always hear those who asked from You. and now i ask YOU to save it for me cause i seriously need it. bring it back again like You once grant me with it. i only said it because i mean it. and i mean cause it's true.
p/s: i'm at the edge of my emotion and i'm watching the shadows burning in the dark.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
preterm
i hate when i'm sick and tell my mum about it, and she asked what i have done this time and i said i jogged yesterday and she answered me something like- 'you know you were born premature, why on earth you tiring yourself with things like that? and now you're getting sick and we're not there. who's going to take care of you? bla...bla...bla...mum!!!
Friday, June 10, 2011
commitment
i don't know why i always have our little talk with mum in the early hour. she called me after subuh this morning and asked whether i'm good alone here in bukit garam. then i said 'never feel better. this is what i want in the first place. to be alone.' and she began to ramble about her worry towards my attitude. she said that it's not surprised her that my old self came back. i used to be this way. i used to lock myself in my room and read. just read. and now that's what i do. i go back early to bukit garam. lock myself in our house. no contact to the outside world except for some certain people. and read. i like it this way. reserved. always be.
a childhood friend, Noran Roland is getting married tomorrow to an Australian. a relatives. almost all of my childhood friends already tying their knot. it's like i'm the last single girl. none of their reception i did attend. each of them. hazramy's, hairul's, ellina's, bia's. anything that has to do with commitment and human relationship are far beyond me. i'm not allergic to it. i just want to avoid it. i'm protecting myself. i hate making this choice but i just have to do it. i once chose to be in a relationship for 5 years. what did i get from it? bruises. and some experience. why? because i don't know how to choose between two people. i picked the wrong guy. i'm scared of the commitment that the other one offered to me. it's too much. something that i can't handle. so i decided not to get myself in any relationship other than friend. yes, i do admit that i flirt here and there. i just love doing it. i love to see that rosy cheeks. the call me back things. it makes me feel that i'm still good in it. i don't lost my charm. is it wrong? no, right?
seniors at school keep forcing me to get married. i don't know what to say to them. i don't want to surprise them with my silly answer. so i just said 'why should i get married when i have a very hot handsome and sensuous guy cooking dinner every single night for me?'-referring to Nizuan. i'll be losing this privilege once i bond to someone. i won't be able to hang out with joild, amir and iwan at their place until midnight. i can't laugh my ass out until dawn with fizzy. and i simply can't enjoy my talk with dwayne babe at nafilah eating his 'roti tissue' until 11pm. the truth is, i don't want to loose my freedom. i'm not ready for it. lonely? how can i feel lonely when i have 5 monsters to enjoy with. it's different though. i know. they not filling the empty space deep in my heart. it's okay. i kind of enjoying the hole. wise saying 'once you're in love, prepare some space for hatred in your heart'. i actually don't want to prepare for that thing. that's why i avoid it. i don't want to get hurt. not again. and the tendency for me to hurt someone is bigger than they might hurt me. i know i'm young. but i always have this self-protection thing. if i knew that thing can harm me, i'd be delighted to stay as far as i can from it. am i a coward? yes, i am. but i'm a cold blood person. the last person you want to mess with is me. i can be as mean as i can if i'm hurt. so once bitten, i guess twice shy. i'm tired of man blaming me.
despite all the things i ramble here, still if i ever met someone who share the same passion towards books, towards literature, someone who can listen to jazz and can sing along with me proudly in front of others, someone who listens to The Carnival, someone who has a problem in texting while walking or doing other chores, someone who totally can't juggle two things at one time, someone who only has one phone because he doesn't know how to handle two phones, someone who grew up reading Smash Hits and Big and still keep the goody that comes with it, someone who enjoy jasmine green tea and white toblerone, then maybe i consider about getting married. oh...i met this guy. i'm just waiting for him to reach out for me.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
mcAvoy
:once the queen is dead, the king is useless...
:what's that about?
:i don't know. maybe he's too depressed to fight. he really loves her, you know...
:what's that about?
:i don't know. maybe he's too depressed to fight. he really loves her, you know...
:yeah, i can see that.
:my queen to yours. checkmate.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
indah bukan?
Long have I endured in my life
The pain and sorrows from Love arise
Then you came and redeemed me, my dear,
My only hope in my darkest fears
Because of you, I yearn to be alive
Because of you, ‘till death (you) must realize
In my heart I know there is only you
And ask my heart, you’ll know that this is true
Because of you, I found happiness
That to you I offer this love that is so blessed
Though indeed I may be a slave for loving you so true
It matters not to me, ‘cause everything’s because of you
p/s: tidak. saya belum temu kan cinta itu. belum. tidak mungkin. kali.
Friday, June 3, 2011
two=crowded
me, my dad and mum, we're always have this talk whenever i'm home for a holiday. they just curious why suddenly i changed for this past few years. i rarely go out like i used to do. i know that i'm getting bored. and i don't have any life except bukit garam-work-tawau-holiday. i just don't have the heart for anything. i'm losing my touch since the moment i reach bukit garam. it's not that outback. but that place changed me for who i am right now. i becoming more reserved. less-talkative. i don't mingle with my circle anymore. every time people ask me to go out, i always turn them down with so many excuse when in fact i'm just too lazy to move my butt off my mum's bed. my eyes stick to the tv when i'm in tawau. i cannot stand crowd. and what worse, i start to feel uncomfortable every time all my family gather at our place. i feel like want to go home, i mean to bukit garam right at that moment. and dad can sense it. like few nights ago, my sister and my brothers were having barbecue at our yard. i just don't feel like to mingle so i decided to sleep early. it's because i just don't have the heart. i'm kind of used to be alone. i love my solidarity. i love how me and fizzy spend our time on our own at our house in bukit garam. she's doing her things in her room while i'm doing mine. i prefer something like that.
see...that's how i feel about my family. let alone someone else. one of my brother try to talk to me this evening about my attitude. it really pissed me off. i don't know why. i know he meant for good. i said nothing. i'm getting worse than ever. this is not what i want in life. i know everyone miss the cute me. the charming me. the cuddly me who always have a stupid joke with my brothers. i lost the laugh. i lost the smile. and i know they know it. i'm sorry. i should not. i know how you guys miss your baby sis. just give me some time to enjoy the loneliness.
and to my close friends, sorry for the turn down invitation.
p/s: i think i'm having a problem.
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