commitment

i don't know why i always have our little talk with mum in the early hour. she called me after subuh this morning and asked whether i'm good alone here in bukit garam. then i said 'never feel better. this is what i want in the first place. to be alone.' and she began to ramble about her worry towards my attitude. she said that it's not surprised her that my old self came back. i used to be this way. i used to lock myself in my room and read. just read. and now that's what i do. i go back early to bukit garam. lock myself in our house. no contact to the outside world except for some certain people. and read. i like it this way. reserved. always be.

a childhood friend, Noran Roland is getting married tomorrow to an Australian. a relatives. almost all of my childhood friends already tying their knot. it's like i'm the last single girl. none of their reception i did attend. each of them. hazramy's, hairul's, ellina's, bia's. anything that has to do with commitment and human relationship are far beyond me. i'm not allergic to it. i just want to avoid it. i'm protecting myself. i hate making this choice but i just have to do it. i once chose to be in a relationship for 5 years. what did i get from it? bruises. and some experience. why? because i don't know how to choose between two people. i picked the wrong guy. i'm scared of the commitment that the other one offered to me. it's too much. something that i can't handle. so i decided not to get myself in any relationship other than friend. yes, i do admit that i flirt here and there. i just love doing it. i love to see that rosy cheeks. the call me back things. it makes me feel that i'm still good in it. i don't lost my charm. is it wrong? no, right?

seniors at school keep forcing me to get married. i don't know what to say to them. i don't want to surprise them with my silly answer. so i just said 'why should i get married when i have a very hot handsome and sensuous guy cooking dinner every single night for me?'-referring to Nizuan. i'll be losing this privilege once i bond to someone. i won't be able to hang out with joild, amir and iwan at their place until midnight. i can't laugh my ass out until dawn with fizzy. and i simply can't enjoy my talk with dwayne babe at nafilah eating his 'roti tissue' until 11pm. the truth is, i don't want to loose my freedom. i'm not ready for it. lonely? how can i feel lonely when i have 5 monsters to enjoy with. it's different though. i know. they not filling the empty space deep in my heart. it's okay. i kind of enjoying the hole. wise saying 'once you're in love, prepare some space for hatred in your heart'. i actually don't want to prepare for that thing. that's why i avoid it. i don't want to get hurt. not again. and the tendency for me to hurt someone is bigger than they might hurt me. i know i'm young. but i always have this self-protection thing. if i knew that thing can harm me, i'd be delighted to stay as far as i can from it. am i a coward? yes, i am. but i'm a cold blood person. the last person you want to mess with is me. i can be as mean as i can if i'm hurt. so once bitten, i guess twice shy. i'm tired of man blaming me.

despite all the things i ramble here, still if i ever met someone who share the same passion towards books, towards literature, someone who can listen to jazz and can sing along with me proudly in front of others, someone who listens to The Carnival, someone who has a problem in texting while walking or doing other chores, someone who totally can't juggle two things at one time, someone who only has one phone because he doesn't know how to handle two phones, someone who grew up reading Smash Hits and Big and still keep the goody that comes with it, someone who enjoy jasmine green tea and white toblerone, then maybe i consider about getting married. oh...i met this guy. i'm just waiting for him to reach out for me.