beauty is pain

imagine standing in this thing for 2 and half hour for each session starting from morning to noon and noon to evening.
that's how it feels like when you invigilating the SPM examination.
it hurts so bad.
heel is hell.

but i love it.
and i can't complain...;(

stickshift and safety belt

ada taklimat induksi di kK kemarin. gila punya pengurusan. aku paling benci bila tiba-tiba kena panggil untuk benda begini. time rest semasa jaga exam on thursday, ana kena call informed that she and us have to attend the taklimat. at first, mau pigi petang itu. tapi tidak dapat kebenaran keluar kerana pengawas exam yang tinggal outnumbered. so i decided to drive at 3am. and around 3.30, the journey begun.
reach there around 9 and the taklimat only took 10 minutes. yeah i know it sucks. than lepaking with joild and faizal. macam lama betul sudah tidak jumpa ini manusia dua ekor. i'm so happy. contain. check in to the hotel and have like 1 hour sleep. after that we're went to suria to watch the 3D rapunzel. i'm not a big fan of fairy tale. but i do like this movie. got some message from there regarding of mum-daughter relationship. i love the song that the witch keep singing for rapunzel.

"skip the drama...listen to your mama...cause mama knows best"

wondering what kind of shampoo she's using...

i fall in love with one rip curl white shirt. seriously drooling. but it cost me rm189. i have no money. i wanted so badly to buy it. but i'm too shy to ask dad generosity. so i decided to wait until i come back later for the induksi on 13th of december. surprisingly, i buy nothing there except 2 books. can't find the eleven minutes...;( i thought kK is having Y.E.S. but i'm so dissapointed.

hasil persenyawaan dengan harris dan times

you know how much i hate wearing that bloody safety belt when i'm driving. i hate it so much. i hate feeling trap. feels like i can't move myself. i hate that. i hate safety belt. and guess what? big smile to the JPJ please...;)

do you have any idea what is Sistem Belanjawan Diubahsuai?

wave length

i used to get her bob

and her crop

now let's get her sexy wavy hair!!!

isn't she pretty?
even prettier when you have a cute daughter like Suri and such a handsome husband like Tom

Zahir

at first i see invigilating for SPM as one of the hardest burden. you have to work at school holidays while your colleague having fun out there enjoying every single moment of it. but today i have spent two days of it makes me realize lot's of things. this giving me chance to finish up reading all the novels i bought back this past few months when i'm so perasan busy having no time finishing it. other than that, i could spend my day facebooking while standing at the back of the classroom watching the candidates. it's close to heaven. at least.

talking about the book that i just finished this morning, The Zahir by Paulo Coelho. mind me if i chattered too much while giving my point of view of the story. now i understand why they said this book has touch million of people's heart when reading it. i wish i could cry but i just couldn't. so i let my heart cry. why? it touch me in every where. every part of my body. the guy himself feels like me. i used to love someone exactly the way he loves his wife. we love someone so much but not enough to show it to them. as i used to said as long as someone's knows that i love him, it is enough for me. i forget that love means more than saying 'i love you'. i forget that love means commitment. it takes more than anything to stay together. i always think that i know his soul better that he won't leave me for anything. and then when it happen, that's when i realize my idea is totally plain stupid. people be in love to feel the joy of it. to enjoy. to pleasure. not feeling misery. feeling abundance. i don't know.

well, they said, love and dependency come together hand in hand. haha...

back to the book, i like the guy. it's like knowing myself through his perspective. cause i am someone like him in terms of relationship. of feeling. i like when he tried to know his wife back from someone else. someone he never thought his wife mingle with. i love the way of knowing back someone you love cause you might be surprised with what you just find out. it's like back when you first know them. it is so much. too much. meaningful. i like when he feel lost when she's gone. that's when he realize how much he needs her. even he's been surrounded by different women, still he longing for her. longing for the hot chocolate moment. longing for the argument.
oh...i just love the guy. and when it ended that way, that's what i called a total catharsis of a reader like me...;)

i couldn't agree more to this:
"i had lunch with a friend who had just got divorced and she said to me: 'Now i can enjoy all the freedom i've always dream of having'. but that's a lie. no one wants that kind of freedom: we all want commitment, we all want someone to be beside us to enjoy the beauties of Geneva, to discuss books, interviews, films or even to share a sandwich with because there isn't enough money to buy one each. better to eat half sandwich than a whole one. better to be interrupted by the man who wants to get straight back home because there's a big games on TV tonight or by the woman who were stop outside a shop window and interrupts what we were saying about the cathedral tower, far better that than to have the whole of Geneva to yourself with all the time and quiet in the world to visit it".

anything is better than to be alone. cause when you're alone, it's as if you were no longer part of the human race.
OMG, i sound so mature writing something like this...;p

p/s: you have to read it to feel it.

for my next visit, i need to find:
-Eleven minutes
-The Witch of Portobello
-By the River of Piedra I Sat Down and Wept

the time traveler's wife

what it feels like to be in her shoes? to keep waiting. to wait for something unsure. what if he never come back? anything could happen during his travel. anything.
i hate traveler. i hate traveling myself. i hate being parted from someone. i hate away from him. i make myself clear this time. i hate it. cause anything could happen to his heart. anything...;(
and he just away for less than 24 hours.

life as we know it

what would you do when suddenly your best friends died leaving you their one year old kiddo asking you to take care of her with some asshole that you hate mostly?

i haven't go for a movie for quite a long time. last one is during Ramadhan watching step up. and i haven't watching chick flick in cinema for a years. we hate watching light movie in cinema. so last night me and budak kecik go for it. it is as a reward for being so tired doing all the works before the school end. we're having fun last night. a real fun that we didn't get for such a long long time. lately life become so chaotic loaded with works, issues, some random stupid things. kind of tired with all the drama. need a place to hide away.
i'm not placing my place in her shoes. i mean the girl in the movie. but we kind of having the same situation. surrounding with couple, married with kids friends. me also surrounding with dating friend (fizzy and pyan), engaged (rny and jason), married with a baby (halizah and reyzan). and i'm the last single girl. haha...happy. but will i do the same if anything happen to my friends? it's not like i'm wishing for anything. it's just i'm being realistic. i will perhaps. depends on the situation. it's not easy raising others baby. it's a big responsibility. talk about it when it really happen...;)

did i mention the school end just now? yeah, i did. i'm going to teach in the morning session for next year. i always love it. because that means i have a long long time to sleep on the evening. so if you saw me getting chubby and flabby later, please don't say anything. they ask me to teach 5 examination classes. such a huge things to do. wish me luck. i'm keeping my fingers cross for anything good happen. like he said to me 'show them the new you'. haha...maybe. we'll see. everyone knows that i'm such ill discipline teacher. i'm trying my best to make everyone happy. as long as they make me happy.
yesterday is like 'hari makan sedunia' for me. i hate that. no i love it. i start my day with mihun goreng and egg for breakfast. thanks to sarah for the treat. then i eat his nasi goreng cooked by hafiz and cucur bawang. next is nasi himpit with rendang daging. and during English panel final meeting, i eat a cup of baked macaroni, a slice of chocolate cake and 2 slices of carrot cake. on the evening, nizuan brought us to 7 heaven. i eat a slice of green tea cake that taste more like seaweed cake and a cup of vanilla yogurt ice cream. and not to be forgot, a cup of popcorn and a pepsi during the movie. no wonder i can't wear my cotton pants that i'm supposed to wear yesterday. i hate that. is that means i'm supposed to change to size 6 now? OMG!!! now i have to change the whole closet? i need a new bra size and a new pants size? what am i now? one of the biggest loser girl? and in a time like this, i still can think of perming my hair. oh...how much i want that sexy wavy hair like Meredith Grey in Grey's Anatomy.
mission for now: toning my body and get that wavy hair.

he's leaving in less than 12 hours. i start have this feeling since this past few days. i hate when we're parted. it's not like he's going for three weeks, it's 6. it's double of it. i can't see him for that long time. i don't know what he is up to. i can't put him on my radar. i hate this feeling. i hate feeling unease. i hate missing him badly...;(

a saint and a sinner

whoever you are before this, what kind of crime you've ever commit, if your heart is truly mine, i accept you.

i ain't a saint myself. there were bad things i used to do. lot's and lot's of it. and that makes us equal.
i love you for who you are now. your past doesn't bother me at all.
i don't know you before but i know you now. if you willing to change, ready to be the better one, giving your whole heart to me, let's move to the next stage. let's take this chance. the happiness is all ours.
you don't have to be afraid. your secret save with me. just like you keeping mine.

p/s: i'm keeping a single spot in my heart to be hurt. just for rainy days.

happy

mom is not happy with my body. she said i'm not supposed to get fat when i'm still single cause i definitely will get fatter when i'm married. it's running in our blood. sigh...
dady is not happy with my refusal. all my refusal. i'm sorry.
kak lin is not happy with me staying away from home. she has no one here.

when all of them not happy, where can i find the happiness in my heart? nada. zilch.

i wish i could turn back time and do the U-turn.

zexual therapy

;)
super super horny
kepingin banget

Tuhan, bantu aku...please

aku benci bila tidak boleh bercakap tentang itu.
aku benci bila terpaksa bercakap lapik sedang kan semua tau aku jenis outspoken.
aku benci terpaksa menjaga hati nya.
aku benci betapa tidak adil nya keadaan.
aku benci bila jiwa nya serapuh itu.
aku benci bila kewanitaan ku tidak mampu menggugat batin nya.
aku benci bila keindahan ciptaan Tuhan tidak bisa menyentuh naluri nya.
aku benci tau semua itu.

Tuhan, tolong Kau kembali kan diri nya untuk diri ku. teruntuk kan hati nya untuk hati ku. satu kan kami dalam pendamaian. tolong. aku mohon. aku cukup tidak kuat untuk dugaan mu ini. terlalu berat. lapang kan dada ku agar aku bisa melihat, mendengar, merasa dari sisi batin lembut nya. bantu aku memahami nya. membetul kan jiwa nya. bantu aku, ya Allah...;(

: you're very brave girl.
: no, i'm not. i'm afraid. very afraid. only God knows how i feel inside. but i have no choice.

i no putting a hope nor waiting for someone. i'm just being me. reserved. and when someone ask me to keep my option open, i'm blur. what option do i have? it's all up to me. i know it's not that hard to find a guy who really really want me. but the most important thing is, what my heart want. to whom should she seek peaceful, rest and nestle.

still my heart screaming for him asking 'kapan kau jadi milik ku?'.

Hitam Putih Kehidupan

my very first annual dinner with the Bukit Garam clan

hijab and jilbab: Dubai Collection
caftan abayya: Aura Cantik Boutique
shoes: Charles and Keith

so i guess my trip to kK is just to get the shoes. all my dress is bought in Lahad Datu.

January batch teachers

my partner in-crime...trust me, they not as bad as i am.

the three of us: Polar, Koala and Panda
but i think the Koala is getting thinner...;)


we do look good together, right?
too bad...
my heart belong to someone else

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it will always belong to my King Shahryar, him...;)

when i run out of story, will you beheaded me or simply keep me to be the Queen of your heart?

p/s: the only exception, i guess...

life ain't cruel...but we are

macam malas mau cakap. tapi perlu cakap juga.
sir panggil aku kemarin. ya. aku memang guru yang betul-betul ill-discipline.
aku balik suka hati. aku tidak masuk kelas. aku masuk kelas lambat. aku bawa budak ngomong.
aku memang lousy. cukup lousy untuk jadi guru. aku tidak punya jiwa itu.
entah mana bapa dapat idea suruh aku buat degree TESL. kalau tau ending nya begini, lebih baik buat ELS or anything english as long as not teaching.
bukan aku benci kerjaya ni. cuma ia belum menyerap ke jiwa ku. aku cuba. aku usaha untuk cinta. tapi seperti biasa, siapa yang boleh paksa aku untuk buat benda yang aku benci? tidak diri aku sendiri. jauh sekali orang lain.
cukup penat. penat jadi hipokrit di tempat kerja. penat hipokrit depan budak. penat jaga hati semua orang. kadang aku buat semua ni for the sake of Puan Penyelia Petang. sebab dia cukup baik dengan aku. dia tau mana button yang perlu di push untuk soothe aku bila mana terlalu banyak benda jadi di sekolah.
aku faham tempat ni terlalu banyak nonok berbanding penis. mulut dua di darab dengan bilangan guru perempuan. jadi nya havoc.
kalau tutup mulut atas, mulut bawah akan terbuka. yang penis pun kadang-kadang mulut macam lahanat. tak padan dengan pendidikan. aku begitu begini, nampak tak tau agama ka? kau tutup sana sini, kalau mulut kau bau longkang apa guna? kau tau agama sangat? nama sudah register dalam syurga? aku rasa kalau ada dalam list syurga pun, sekarang ni sudah kena delete. mulut kau tak pandai diam. jajah cerita aku sana sini. jajah cerita orang lain sana sini. kau siapa untuk judge aku? kain kau bukan nya tutup rapat sangat pun. peduli apa kalau asal kau dari serambi mekah sekali pun. bukan malaikat. bukan nabi yang cukup terpelihara dari dosa. jangan kacau hal aku bila hal kau sikit pun aku tidak cuit.
baru tau satu cerita. guru yang lain sesi lebih banyak becakap pasal aku. lebih tau pasal aku. hebat!!! tau aku pakai bra size berapa? panty size apa? seluar size apa? baju kasut segala apa? aku pakai bra 34 cup C. ya. cukup besar kan. mesti itu salah satu benda yang kau jeles kan. takut laki lari. takut hilang bf. aku tidak pernah kacau barang orang. kau jangan risau. hati ku selalu untuk nya.
at least aku tidak pretend jadi baik depan orang. apa yang kau lihat di luar, itu la aku. aku tidak pura-pura alim. aku tidak pura-pura lemah lembut sedang di belakang macam setan. aku akui aku gedik. cukup gedik. di rumah aku juga gedik. semua orang tau aku suka minta puji. betebiat. kadang-kadang mama pesan via phone call supaya kurang kan minta puji supaya tidak di benci. ini aku. gedik. lanjik. cukup jelas luaran ku. tapi mana kau tau hati ku? satu sekolah boleh dengar suara aku, ada yang cuba dengar isi hati ku?
school lingo? aku kena ikut ka benda tu? come on la. aku penat untuk takut dengan superior. dulu zaman sekolah takut dengan guru. zaman campus, takut CGPA jatuh dari 3.00. terpaksa kerja keras sikit bila markah di potong sebab kehadiran. tidak kan la zaman bekerja pun kena takut sesama guru? aku cukup dewasa. biar pun agak tidak matang.
mungkin ada pelajar yang terganggu dengan aku. sexually perhaps. aku pakai macam mana pun rasa nya pasti ada yang terganggu. itu biasa berlaku. dulu masa jadi guru ganti pun aku pernah di panggil pihak pentadbir sebab ada laporan pelajar tidak dapat tumpu study bila aku mengajar sebab boleh naik syahwat. aku minta maaf. tiada niat untuk itu. aku tidak minta kurniaan itu. kira nya itu gift. tidak semua orang ada. macam aku cakap dulu, pakai baju kurung longgar pun boleh buat lecturer usia 48 tahun panggil aku 'sexy pink'. mungkin aku patut mula pakai abayya dan purdah semasa mengajar.
kau boleh cakap aku tulis benda ni dalam ketidakwarasan. persetan kalau sir baca sekali pun tentang ini. aku penat. aku tidak kuat. aku benci keadaan ini. kenapa la bodoh sangat tidak urus pindah dari awal dulu masa semua orang mau tolong? suka sangat cuba tempat baru. terlalu dengar cakap bapa. patut nya dengar cakap mama. kalau tidak, tidak la ending nya begini.
tidak kan ada yang mampu bertahan dengan aku melain kan kau bapa. dan aku sangat membutuh kan kau. semalam tawa mu buat aku sakit hati. sakit jiwa sebab tidak boleh berada dalam rangkulan kau dan menangis sepuas nya. seperti biasa aku cukup rindu kan kata-kata mu dan janji manis untuk beli kan aku itu ini demi memujuk ku yang sedang bersedih.
jiwa ku tidak cukup kuat. lembut. rapuh. dan sekarang mulai jiwang dengan hadir nya dia. selain budak kecik dan sahabat karib, dia banyak jadi penguat semangat walaupun kadang-kadang cukup menyakit kan hati. rasa nya ingin saja lari ke rumah nya semalam dan mengetuk pintu nya agar dapat baring di lengan nya. menangis dan menggigit nya sampai hilang semua rasa beban dalam jiwa.
terlalu banyak terbuku. aku tidak cukup terbuka bila bicara soal hati dan perasaan. aku selalu ikut rentak orang. ikut apa mau nya orang agar rebel ku tidak kelihatan. walaupun aku tau ada sesetengah yang cukup tau keinginan ku untuk memberontak. aku reserved.
aku pigi kK minta duit kau ka? aku beli itu ini guna duit kau ka? tidak kan? jadi apa yang di kecoh kan sampai di jadi kan isu? heran. kau pigi satu dunia sekali pun aku tidak heran. lain la kalau kau minta duit aku tadi untuk itu.
aku tidak minta banyak. jangan kacau aku. jangan ambil tau hal aku. jangan cakap belakang tentang aku. kau buat kerja kau. aku buat kerja aku. jangan pandai-pandai mau label orang sekitar ku. mereka cukup baik.

p/s: sekejam mana lagi yang kau mampu buat? sila kan...aku tidak gentar. kau kuat kan aku. terima kasih.

amusement

namaste...

i love saree...

kareena zila kapoor...;)

gedik. jelas lagi terbukti.
saya akui.
tapi losyen pati halia itu memang mustajab.
terbukti berhasil.
saya gembira.
lupa seketika semua benda yang jadi di sekolah.

chasing pirate

i just need a place to hide away. to get rid of everything here. it's not like i hate here. but it seems like here can't accept who i am outside. here don't even give a damn about inside me. here don't give me a chance to grow up like i supposed to.

everything is getting worse. my life. my work. my social circle. yeah...i hate my work. not because i hate teaching. but i hate everything about it. this is going to happen when you've been forced to do something your heart resist. i should do Literature instead of TESL. i love the language but not the science of teaching it. i should do ELS where i can study the language. where i can do the syntax which i love mostly. where i can draw the sentence tree like i used to do in William Taylor class. where i can study the semantic, the discourse of that language. oh...i hate teaching. and i admit that i'm such a lousy teacher. i didn't enter the class like i'm supposed to. i came to the class 10 minutes late. i'm teaching skill-oriented. i don't care whether they can answer that well in the examination. as long as they can speak a chunk of english words, they can write, they understand my direction, it's okey to me. i hate exam-oriented class. language is supposed to be a skill. it is something you use everyday. what is the point if you can answer in the exam but you can't apply it in daily life? see...that's the different. how do i know? i'm having the best skill-oriented english teacher for the whole life of mine.

now my social life consist of four people i used to hang around. budak kecik, sahabat karib, partner in-crime and my angel, him. i'm back to my old self. something i don't want to. i hate my life. it's not like i'm not happy with it. but i'm just too happy and satisfied with what the Big Guy up there giving me. the rest is not that important. this place is full with the superficial, gossip girl, and the P clan. i'd rather be the wall flower than be one of them. i'd rather do my own things with my friends. weird when they still care what i've been up to lately. even weirder when they know things i don't know about me. ces't la vie, zila.

i'm such ill-discipline person. i have a problem in following rules. i don't like when people demanding me to do something. to be someone i'm not. i'm the most rebellious person. i admit it. but one thing for sure, i never influenced people close to me to be like me. i know people start accusing me of making a few nice people turn to be me. all i can say is 'sorry'. i never meant that way. i'm just a girl who try to live my life in this 'used to be cool' place. i'm tired of people having bad perspective about me when they don't even know me. like i said to Dani last time, you have to go on a trip, at least one trip with me to get to know me better. i guess Dani can judge me right now. he had one ride with me and i think we're doing better. i know i'm such a bad person. it took me so long to be nicer. you can't change me in the blink of eyes. in a push of a button. give me some time. give me some space. i can do better. i promise. cause right now i am in this phase of becoming greater person. i am. i ask one thing, please stop labeling my friend. they not as bad as me. they're way nicer. way nicer than those superficial. they my savior. at least they know who is the real me inside.

to my friends: i'm sorry all of you have to go through this just because of me. i'm sorry if people start saying you such a bad teacher, bad person. i'm sorry for every thing happen lately. i'm sorry. i never thought things will become ugly like this. i never thought high school life won't leave me after all this time. i never thought grown up is cruel sometimes. i never thought cause you know that i hate thinking.
you: thanks for always be there when life here turning so ugly and so cruel to me. don't know how to show my gratitude towards you.

ini kali barang yang semua orang cakap aku cari jauh-jauh...it's cheaper there
mau habis sudah yang lama...it tighten my skin and firming my body
i hate when there is some part of me yang selalu goyang-goyang bila bejalan...

welcoming my new muses...;)
too bad can't get Girl of Riyadh and Nadia's Song..;(

p/s: budak-budak tu semua terpengaruh dengan zila la ni...(ayat biasa dengar dari zaman belasan tahun)