knows

maybe this isn't the right time for it.

maybe i'm not mature enough for it.

maybe i'm not ready for it.

maybe it isn't the best.

Allah knows best, Zila.

chasing happiness

yup, i am here. where i belong. bukit garam. it such a joy to finally in my house. to smell the smell of my room. to put my head on my pillow. to lay down on my mattress. the feeling is oh-so-heaven. like you finally found your long lost husband. people will never understand this craziness i have.

yes, i chase my happiness. on my own way. why torturing myself missing when i can touch the sky. catch the star and put it in my pocket? i should have learn to be more realistic. and i think i should start now.

beli

sunyi berabis ni...;(

boleh ka kasi burn rm678 ticket?

seriously, not really in the mood to go out of Borneo.

sudah masuk 3 tahun rasa begini.

bila mau berubah jadi saya yang dulu?

saya sendiri rindu itu.

when i laugh, i laugh my heart out.

when i smile, i smile sincerely.

sekarang itu dalam mimpi ja.

yang pasti, part nangis tu confirm selalu dari hati.

dan lately banyak pula tangis nya.

mana mau beli diri?

it is like this

"it's not with who you spend your friday night with but with who you want to spend the rest of your saturday"

that's why sometimes people tend to choose to be a homosexual. it is true indeed. who cares about who you spend your friday night with. it's just one night and a very short period. and maybe you're not sober that time. you wont remember anything. but the most important thing is with who you want to spend the next day. right when you wake up, looking for breakfast and planning your day. who you want to include in every activity you have in mind. like myself, i will find someone who can spend the rest of the saturday at home, lying on bed, watching movies, experimenting new recipe, reading our favorite book or maybe he read via readers hub if he's not interested with book. just as long as he's there with me reading. in case he has something in mind like going out to enjoy nature, doing some activity like hiking, or out to try a new restaurant with a nice food, i'll join him. i will support everything he wants to do. because that's what relationship is about. you support each other. you complete each other. enjoy the similarity, respect the differences. another thing is, you are willing to spend every saturday for the rest of your life with your loved ones.

sincerely from "the inexperienced but a very observant" me. hahahaha...

i have died everyday waiting for you

darling don't be afraid i have loved you for a thousand years

i love you for a thousand more.

a very beautiful lyrics. especially if you make it as your theme song on your big day. imagine you walk down the aisle, and the groom waiting for you with that nervous smile. can't wait to do his vow to make you his wife. oh-so-beautiful...;)

it supposed to be like this

i once a student of high school. i know what it feels like to have a crush on my teacher. i mean my guy teacher. especially the young, cute and fresh one. but it's just a fling. i always know the limit. i limit myself. and i make sure the teacher limit himself. when i was in form 5 there was this teacher who teach in the afternoon session kind of built a feeling towards me. he used to give me a lot of CDs. full with love song. we were the big fan of Radiohead, Smashing Pumpkin and Matchbox 20. in every CD's cover he always put initial like "my zila". it doesn't bother me at first. because to me, it's normal for a young male teacher to treat their favourite student a bit different. especially the cute one like myself. hehe. i understand that somehow he's lonely. i'm growing up with two guys at home. i know the feelings of being a lonely guy. it's normal for them to say sweet things that sound so promising to us. they are men after all. sweet talker running in their blood. sometimes it made me happy. imagine having someone who seems to understand you. not like your average male friends who are so immature. yeah, life was beautiful. but i started to feel it's kind of weird when your teacher talks about having the same watch, having the same phone, it kinds of creep me out. it's even worse when your female teachers start to have bad perspective about you. this things happen until i was in form 6. seriously, i don't have any feeling to that teacher. because i always know that he is my teacher though he never teach me. i was a new students in that school. i'm not from there. so he never teach me. he teach Science, History and English. i guess that was another reason that bond us together. but i always keep a safe distance. we keep in touch until i was in university. we talked about life and love. when i started dating KA, i told him about it and he was happy for me. and when i'm busy juggling school and KA, we lost contact. the last thing i knew is, he got married to a teacher from my school too. i'm happy for him. whenl i finish doing my bachelor degree, the PPD posted me in my old school as a temp substituting teacher in maternal leave. we met again. and i'm teaching in the same session with him. we still can hang out like before. only right that time we're both an adult. no hushy-washy feeling. but i can feel that his wife is not comfortable with it. so once again, i keep a great distance from him and start to hang out with my unmarried Scout teacher and another new young single male teachers. life was beautiful that time. they gave me a lot of sweet memories of being a new teacher. so much lesson i have learn from them. thanks to them, now i can handle a rascals by yelling and spanking them hard.

what i really want to say here, as a teacher, we have to know what is our limit. it's not wrong to be close to a different gender students. but always beware of our utter, our move. we have to understand that we dealing with hormonal puberty human being. they tend to misunderstood our meaning. sometimes they may build a different idea from what we trying to say. trust me, i once a young girl. and as a student, we have to know where we stand. there's a lot of other shiny young fish deep in the ocean. it's not necessary for us to fall for some old dolphin. enjoy life out there. as a youngster, there's a lot to be explore out there. chiao!!!

sincerely from "the experienced" and tired of makan hati me.

i need a sperm donor

i promise i won't see baby's picture.

i promise i won't spend more time with my pregnant bestie.

i promise i won't go to baby's section in mall.

i promise i won't get nearer to any baby or toddler.

i promise i will control myself.

i want a baby. i want a baby. i want a baby. i want to have someone who call me mummy.

someone please marry me pronto!!!

comel

saya ibarat gajah.

penyimpan yang hebat.

a keeper i must say.

saya pendam. saya simpan.

saya suka makan hati tapi tidak juga kurus-kurus.

saya suka tunggu lama-lama.

saya suka perhati diam-diam.

buat assumption negative tentang diri sendiri.

saya comel.

unfamiliar

this isn't mine. i don't belong here. this isn't my house. not anymore.

every thing is so unfamiliar. from bed, to blanket, to plate, to bottle, to glass, to clothes.

i miss the smell of my own room there in bukit garam. i miss the mattress. i miss my blanket. i miss my closet. i miss my oh-so-minah-indon night dress.

i miss every single thing there at my house. i miss living without tv cause honestly i started to hate the sound of it first thing in the morning for this past few days.

i miss not having someone to talk to. i miss mum's phone call. i miss the eager feeling i always have whenever something excited happen to me at school and knowing that i should tell mum. though mum is here, i just couldn't tell her anything. i prefer phone call than face-to-face conversation.

i was home since last friday. but all i do is locking myself in mum's room. i only out for bath, dine, solat and some random stuff i out of the blue did. i online 24/7. lying in mum's bed watching tv, watching movie on laptop and reading at the same time. you should see all the chocolates and soda i've been indulged myself lately. this isn't healthy.

i miss teaching. i miss yelling to my students. i miss talking to them. i miss our personal time. i miss those secret letter whenever they have things to say but just couldn't say it cause they afraid someone might heard it. i miss replying it.

i miss bukit garam. i miss the scorching sunny days. i miss being able to watch orca from my window. i miss our fridge. i miss my little moment with it eating cheese spread or peanut butter before taking my 10pm shower. i miss sitting in front of it reading Newsweek while my hand busy unwrap whatever i have in the fridge. i miss my oh-so-cold jasmine green tea.

i miss nafilah 1. i miss uncle Othman's free gift whenever we went there and he was there as well. i miss hang out with everyone there.

time, please fly fast and end this lonesome and sorrow...;(

critical thinking

have i ever criticise anything about you?

have i ever say anything about your car?

how you drive?

what kind of song you listen to while driving?

when did you take your driving license?

have i ever?

never!!!

so stop talking nonsense to me.

this is my life.

this is how i run it.

i never ask you to take my ride.

i never ask you to sit in my car observing like you're some kind of officer criticizing every single thing about me.

i never ask you to touch my stereo.

so what if i listen to jazz, indonesian love song and world music at the same time?

so what if i chose to drive orca instead of others?

so what if i drive like a maniac?

so what if i chose something over something?

so what?

is there any rules that bind me to do so?

who do you think you are to question every single thing about my life?

you are no one.

no one.

no one.

you are full of bullshit!!!

3 different generation guys and a girl

part 1

me: pa, dia kali mau datang ke rumah kalau jadi ke Tawau.

bapa: Alhamdulillah...

me: bukan dengan niat itu. datang-datang ja macam biasa.

bapa: Alhamdulillah juga. rezeki tetamu.

part 2

abang man: dik, 28 tahun sudah kau kan?

me: 26 la!!! napa? aku nampak tua ka sampai abang ingat aku 28?

abang man: nda la. saja ja mau psycho kau.

me: napa pula mau psycho?

abang man: mana tau tension kau mau kawin terus.

me: napa juga kamu semua ni? kamu nda suka sudah ka sama aku sampai balik-balik suruh orang kawin?

abang man: nda juga ba. bagus juga tu. sejuk nanti kau.

me: macam-macam la ba abang ni.

abang man: habis kalau kau nda kawin pun, bukan kau keluar pun dari bilik. balik-balik berkurung. ada atau tidak kau di rumah ni sama ja rasa nya.

me: terbiasa ba.

abang man: sana kau sendiri. sini ni banyak kami yang boleh kau hadap.

me: jadi nanti kalau aku kawin pun aku bawa juga laki ku berkurung.

abang man: kalau itu nda apa. nampak hasil nya. productive kamu.

me: bikin gerigitan becakap sembarang.

part 3

kikie: transfer dulu lagu pigi mp3 saya ni. laptop saya rosak.

me: lagu bik ni lain-lain sikit ni kie. sanggup ka?

kikie: hantam ja la. memang ka guru BI jiwang-jiwang orang nya?

me: (terkedu)

p/s: that's why i hate to come home sometimes.

Dani and Nisah's wedding

i attend one of my closest friends wedding yesterday with budak kecik and him. never in my life had attend such a beautiful wedding reception. i feel so touched. feel so calm. i don't know how to describe it. it feels so blessed to be there. the Muslim and Muslimah seated separately. and the music is very quiescent yet entertaining. and if you're single, surely you'll keep thinking about marriage after that. just like budak kecik and i. we talked about it once in car excitedly. and i

admit we did smile silently.

i wish to have a very beautiful wedding one day. fill with laugh and joy, bless and grant, family and friends. a simple one yet so remarkable. i'm wishing...-,-

budak kecik and me

comel

ambil barakah...

;)

apa yang cuba di sampai kan Nya?

adakah Tuhan sedang mempermain kan saya dengan cuba menipu?

atau saya yang sukar menerima realiti setelah hidup 26 tahun dengan hakikat itu?

atau kah ini juga dugaan yang super maha tidak best?

tapi kenapa kini setelah saya mendekat kan diri dengan Nya?

home alone

i'm supposed to finish reading this one.

instead of that, i've been spending my time since friday watching Harry Potter the series. i told you i'm not a big fan of him. but still Harry Potter is one of the best literature that one should read and watch.

left alone is so not cool. budak kecik was off to LD since yesterday to do some errands. she's only going to be back tomorrow. i hate when i'm alone at home. it's kind of creepy sometimes. whenever i'm downstairs, i kind of feel like someone is upstairs. i try to ignore it. but i just couldn't. something keep remind me of 3A story about "orang sebelah". well, it's about someone knocking your door and when you asked who is that, he will answer "orang sebelah". you thought he is your neighbour but he is actually "orang sebelah" or half man. i know it's some of ridiculous tale people used to tell. but when you're alone, everything goes to your mind playing like some silly ad. scary, i know.

i guess Nafilah 1 is my second kitchen right now cause i'm so not in the mood to cook. i have a lot of food stock in the fridge waiting to be cooked. i have pasta and everything. i just hate cooking when i'm alone. i don't know how to eat a decent food alone at home but i can sit at a restaurant having my meal alone. weirdo!!! i promise to make a healthy salad for budak kecik so she can

munch it whenever she feels like eating. she's currently on her weight gaining process. so far she managed to gain 2 kgs in a week. almost reach 40 kg. i am so happy for her. i should take care of her food to make sure she's taking a healthy diet and not having all the carbs and sugary food.

just a kind reminder for myself when i'm driving:

1. TOLONG TEKAN BREAK DI SELEKOH HOSPITAL, DI DEPAN PADANG, SIMPANG MASUK AGRO BANK, SIMPANG PASAR DAN BUKIT MENUJU PERUMAHAN.

2. TOLONG JANGAN MELEBIHI 80kmj SEPANJANG JALAN DARI SIMPANG HOSPITAL SEHINGGA DI SIMPANG SESB.

3. TOLONG JANGAN MELEBIHI 100kmj SEPANJANG PERJALANAN KE SEKOLAH.

4. TOLONG JANGAN MELEBIHI 40kmj DI SEKITAR KAWASAN PERUMAHAN TERUTAMA DI LORONG 1.

5. TOLONG JANGAN MEMECUT LAJU DI BUKIT NAIK KE GATE SEKOLAH.

mau hidup lebih lama kan?

random photo taken from FB group.

seni membuka buras. indah kan?

di tambah dengan tempe dan ayam masak lengkuas.

mood raya tiba awal.

blissful friday

a very thoughtful view from an unknown.

it kills to know that the person you love does not love you back.

it hurts so damn much.

more than you can imagine.

like a stab in deep through your chest.

or even worse.

you fall apart, for the hundredth time.

you love this person with all your heart.

they hurt you worse than you've ever been hurt.

well guess what?

that's what we do everyday to Allah.

He loves us so much, no words can describe it.

yet,

we still forget Him in our daily routines.

sunk deep into the trap of this world full of lies deceit.

how do you think Allah would feel like?

we forgot that this world is just a stop. a sojourn.

we forgot that death can come knocking anytime.

we forgot that we're going to meet Him.

face to face in the after life.

we forgot that He's going to question us.

for every single thing we do in our life.

on that day.

how many of us will regret not being truly in love with Him before?

do we still think that we deserve all the pleasures in this world He gave us?

lets start ask for His forgiveness before it's too late.

andai

andai tiba waktu itu,

aku mohon di persiap kan diri ku,

di beri aku kekuatan untuk mengahadapi nya,

dan di permudah kan penyelesaian nya.

bukan buat mas Fahri, tapi buat Lek Khudori atau juga mas Azzam...

wahai orang yang lembut hati nya,

sudah lama aku selalu mengecam pahit

kelam oleh penderitaan

AKU TAK ADA SIAPA PUN KECUALI ALLAH DI HATI KU

tapi kau datang dengan cahaya

aku ingin menjadi yang halal bagi mu

yang kan kau kecup kening nya

kau hapus air mata nya.

dari orang yang selalu merindu kan cahaya mu.

for you

i wish i can spend my whole day at school cause only there i can see you.

i wish i can spend my whole day at school cause that's the only place i can be with you.

cause whenever i'm with you, i don't have to pretend that i'm happy.

cause whenever i'm with you, is the only happiness i have right now.

at least, you always succeed in making me feel at ease.

undo

i don't know where to start.

i don't know how to reset my mind back to normal.

i just can't keep pretend like nothing happen.

i should stop pretending like i'm okay when i'm actually not.

i want everything to be back at its place.

the way it supposed to be.

ya Allah, give me your strength. show me the right path.

ain't Saint at all

aku anggap dia ibarat Santa Claus. selalu berjaya mengada kan yang tidak ada buat ku. setiap wish yang aku pinta, pasti di tunai. tidak dapat di segera kan, esok lusa pasti ada. dari kecil sampai besar. pernah bilang jangan dia di ambil sebelum aku di ambil. dia dunia ku. dia cukup perfect.

apa rasa nya bila dapat tahu Santa Claus tu tidak wujud. yang wujud hanya manusia yang penuh kekhilafan. tapi macam mana mau tukar mind set selama 26 tahun ni?

jatuh

jatuh lagi buat kali kedua. kaki yang hampir sembuh, bengkak semula. careless. tiada pesanan penaja "careful" macam kemarin kan. sedikit lupa untuk lebih prihatin terhadap diri. sakit. dugaan.

;(

;(

;(

stranger call

pintu taubat sentiasa terbuka. lihat saja en.ruang asing. membaca paragraph pertama entry terbaru nya membuat aku tersenyum penuh kesyukuran. pada hal entah siapa dia. cuma kadang-kadang ada connection yang menghubung jalan hidup kami.

hidayah Allah ada di mana-mana. cuma kita yang harus lebih peka pada persekitaran. itu yang aku percaya. suatu waktu dulu, aku adalah orang yang sering mempertanya kan soalan "bila hidayah tu mau sampai ke tempat ku?" kepada budak kecik. seperti biasa juga tanya ku di jawab dengan pelbagai kata-kata nasihat. bila kini aku di tanya kan tanya itu, aku cuma mampu senyum dan bilang "turn kau akan sampai juga kalau kau minta tanpa henti".

kemarin.

budak kecik: syukur juga kau kena begini time period. kalau tidak, nda dapat bayang kan macam mana kau solat duduk.

aku: jangan la. aku mana pandai solat duduk.

budak kecik: maka nya di pelajari.

nampak sangat jahil.

cerita lain.

i just can't accept when a pregnant wife asking for help from a husband but he refused to do whatever the request is. tidak masuk akal. small thing like help to take a question paper from the copy room is enough to make a girl feel appreciated and loved. is it that hard to do so? even for someone like him who is nothing to me is willing to do without being ask. let alone you as a husband. you should go back and learn how to appreciate a girl. for Allah sake, it's your baby she's having in her womb right this moment.

it's not easy to find the right one, no? people change once they married. or should i say that it's hard for people to change? you've been living alone for so long, i know. at least take some time to observe your surrounding. see how others treat their wife. learn how to treat a lady. it won't bring you any harm. women like to be treated like a princess. and you know what good they can bring you once they feel loved.

i know who am i to say all this things. i'm just a single girl who knows nothing about marriage. but i am preparing myself right now to be better for that moment. i learn to be a good wife. just in case. at the same time i keep praying that Allah will shield the eyes of this kind of guy from me. hoping that one day HE will send someone who love me the way i love him. who treat me the way a woman should be treated. i know he is somewhere out there preparing himself for me too. i have faith in Allah's words...;)

some say this kind of thing is kisas or karma. if it's that so, i should fret not for i've been watching such a TLC from the men in my family towards their women.

hidayah

a conversation with one of close friends after jogging today.

he: how do we know when we get the Hidayah?

me: i don't know. usually you yourself will know. because it something that we can feel.

he: what is it feels like?

me: calm.

he: how do you feel right now? i saw a lot of changes in you.

me: i don't know how to describe it. it will come at the right time, in the right situation. but only HE know when and where. that's all i can say. as for me, i should say, after a lot of trial that i can barely pass lately, i think it is the sign from HIM that HE is the most powerful and Almighty. what other reason can you give to deny it?

and i'm happy seeing people around me start to change to a better person. and thank you to those who being so supportive to me. love you guys a lot. seriously. a lot.

p/s: should i say one of the sign is when you start enjoy reciting the Quran in your car every morning while heating the engine and listening to your favourite music?

it would be nice to have someone who flirt with you with food

now i know why the italiano love pasta but still can maintain that lovely figure.

1. they only eat quarter of my meal.

2. they don't have a bowl of ice cream right after that.

should put 1 slice of cheese only instead of 2.

pms, i'm so in love with you.

now, mengantuk at 7.54pm. great. night.

third day

6.50am: nasi kuning

9.35am: sesb and home for hershey kisses

11.43am: rice+chicken curry+squid+spinach

1.00pm: form three teacher's meeting

2.15pm: home

2.46pm: noon nap

4.16pm: watermelon

5.20pm: rice+fried chicken+fried fish+ice jasmine green tea

5.44pm: preparing for cheesy spaghetti

could life be any better than this?

nothing beat the smell of new book

except his smell.

when i'm in a very sad mood, i tend to read a very sad story so i could compare my sadness to those in the novel. i'll end up feeling grateful that my life is way better than the one in the novel. i'm currently reading this book since few days ago. it really move me. as always, middle East story success to make me cry. always. imagine, you as a Muslim Lebanon living in London struggle to have a baby. not because you can't conceive but because you refused to accept the fate that God is not going to give you one just because HE said so. so far, it makes me cried once. so far. i've read until page 48. still a very long way to go. she met a girl named Zahra. i always love that name which means 'flower'. i plan to name my baby girl (i'm wishing) as Suri Zahra. suri is the name of one of the guardian roses in heaven. nice, right. what if it's a boy? i'll name him Elijah. something i always have in mind since i'm with KA long time ago. Khairul Elijah. so i could call him Kal El. Clark Kent's name back at his planet. too much dream. i know. but right now i think Aidan is much better. but i have to change the spelling to Eiden. E, because my mum's name start with an E and Den because my dad's name end with it. cool kan. enough..;)

i lost 4 kgs without even trying to lose weight. to me it's not a good sign. that means i'm not in a good condition. there are something wrong with me. i'm not happy. seriously. so i went out to jog after asar today. mind that my asar is around 4 something because i'm such a bad noon napper. i run and run and run until i'm tired. and now my whole muscle is start to ache. i'm just praying it won't lead to sick. cause i'm so tired of sick lately. it's good. it's fun. running, thinking and talking at the same time. it's not like i'm running to lose weight. i just want to keep fit. to make me feel healthier. at least i'm doing something other than read and online on weekend. feel so great right now. you know what? it sting to receive a comment like "tecer nda makan perut pun tapi still babat juga".

vida

i'm trying as hard as i can to run my life as normal as possible.

i know it might be the hardest things to do.

but i believe by pretend that everything is going to be okay will make everything right.

for this time being.

doesn't matter how i feel inside.

doesn't matter what is on my mind lately.

i'll fake it.

i'll fake everything.

for the sake of myself.

i should not let my guard down.

i should not stop protecting my heart.

i should start now before everything is too late.

Tuhan itu adil dan selalu tahu apa yang terbaik buat hamba Nya. siapa aku untuk mempersoal segala nya bila semua sudah di atur sebaik-baik mengikut percaturan Nya. hidup dan chess itu sama sahaja. tiada siapa yang menjanji kan ending terbaik. sebab cuma Dia yang tahu siapa pemenang dan siapa pengalah in the end. dan siapa aku juga untuk bilang "ini tidak best". cuma aku minta satu sahaja. hati ku jangan lagi di uji sedang semua tau aku tidak cukup kuat. siapa lagi aku untuk mempersoal permintaan ku yang belum di makbul. bukan menyangsi kuasa Nya tapi sekadar bertanya. di mana keadilan sedang saban jam aku melihat manusia bertopeng syaiton bahagia dengan hidup yang Kau berikan sedang aku masih belum beroleh nya dan terus hidup dengan kepincangan dan ujian yang tidak pernah putus. di mana keadilan yang di war-war kan. sekali lagi siapa aku untuk mempersoal semua itu sedang aku hanya mengingat Mu di kala getir. bila jiwa rapuh. siapa aku?

i know you read this. help me to put myself at ease again. like you used to do.

numeric

checkered shirt.

that smells.

teaching numbers.

turn me on.

turn me on.

turn me on.

and it's all happen on friday?

just great...

tiba-tiba

selagi ada sinaran mentari

selagi ada getar di jiwa ku.

teda-teda ni. ok, semua boleh muntah lepas ni.

opt

there are two options here:

1. get married and be happy.

2. transfer. (at least i don't have to suffer when fate is not written between us)

tahajjud cinta

tipu bila aku bilang kahwin itu soal kedua dalam hidup sedang itu adalah pintu syurga bagi perempuan.

bohong bila aku tidak memikir kan nya setiap waktu di usia begini.

Ya Allah, hadir kan lah pelindung dan pembimbing yang mengimam kan setiap solat ku.