too small for Your attention

today is the 19th Ramadhan. i must say this Ramadhan is the most challenging one. physically especially emotionally. i feel so down this past few weeks since i start my Ramadhan by falling sick and everything. i feel so small and alone in this unfamiliar place (still trying so hard to feel like home here). 

it makes me realize one thing. the changes i've been made since last Syawal is not good enough. i'm still not a good muslimah. i failed to finish recite the holy Quran after a year. i failed to comprehend the meaning. i'm not trying so hard to understand it. sometimes i forgot to perform my solah especially after my period. sometimes i left it purposely for i'm so lazy to pick myself up to face the Almighty. i failed to be a good daughter. dad was secretly cried for me few months ago. mum cried for the crisis between dad and i. i still didn't listen to them thinking that i'm big enough to handle myself. i'm so childish and always acting stupid, helpless and hopeless whenever i had a chance to do so. i'm not a good sister to my brothers and sisters. sometimes i forget that i have them. only remember when i was in trouble. i'm not a good aunt to my nieces and nephews. i failed as a friend to friends. i'm not sincere enough in doing my job as a teacher. there's so much lack in me. i'm too weak to handle the world.

what i regret the most is i'm not trying so hard in doing good in this life. i let the bad in me posses the good one. i let the beauty of the world drown me in. i let my weakness control me. i let the loneliness haunted me. i react positively around negative things. mostly, i'm not strong enough to handle the truth and let imagination swept me away.

so please ya Allah, give me a strength. make my path easier. help me to get through this. 

p/s: i just want to have this chance to say this to someone i put close to my heart. you, i'm sorry for all my madness. i'm sorry for suddenly being here in your life and try to run everything the way i want it. i'm sorry for i've been too clingy. i forgot who we really are. this past few months been really good and nice to me until i forgot where things took place. i forgot that we are still stranger. i forgot that we are nothing. i'm sorry if i was too pushy and immature because almost three years is not a short period. it starts to kill me softly. i'm sorry for sometimes i invite you into my fantasy and let you get carried away together. i know i shouldn't listen to your promising words and keep rising my hope by it. or am i the one to be blame for misinterpret it? i said stupid things. i talk crap and full of nonsense. i'm sorry. from now on, i shall wait silently like how i'm supposed to. put my faith in Allah's will. if we were fated, He'll help us to find each other. we'll figure it out somehow eventually.

blissful friday

a very thoughtful view from an unknown.

it kills to know that the person you love does not love you back.

it hurts so damn much.

more than you can imagine.

like a stab in deep through your chest.

or even worse.

you fall apart, for the hundredth time.

you love this person with all your heart.

they hurt you worse than you've ever been hurt.

well guess what?

that's what we do everyday to Allah.

He loves us so much, no words can describe it.

yet,

we still forget Him in our daily routines.

sunk deep into the trap of this world full of lies deceit.

how do you think Allah would feel like?

we forgot that this world is just a stop. a sojourn.

we forgot that death can come knocking anytime.

we forgot that we're going to meet Him.

face to face in the after life.

we forgot that He's going to question us.

for every single thing we do in our life.

on that day.

how many of us will regret not being truly in love with Him before?

do we still think that we deserve all the pleasures in this world He gave us?

lets start ask for His forgiveness before it's too late.

stranger call

pintu taubat sentiasa terbuka. lihat saja en.ruang asing. membaca paragraph pertama entry terbaru nya membuat aku tersenyum penuh kesyukuran. pada hal entah siapa dia. cuma kadang-kadang ada connection yang menghubung jalan hidup kami.

hidayah Allah ada di mana-mana. cuma kita yang harus lebih peka pada persekitaran. itu yang aku percaya. suatu waktu dulu, aku adalah orang yang sering mempertanya kan soalan "bila hidayah tu mau sampai ke tempat ku?" kepada budak kecik. seperti biasa juga tanya ku di jawab dengan pelbagai kata-kata nasihat. bila kini aku di tanya kan tanya itu, aku cuma mampu senyum dan bilang "turn kau akan sampai juga kalau kau minta tanpa henti".

kemarin.

budak kecik: syukur juga kau kena begini time period. kalau tidak, nda dapat bayang kan macam mana kau solat duduk.

aku: jangan la. aku mana pandai solat duduk.

budak kecik: maka nya di pelajari.

nampak sangat jahil.

cerita lain.

i just can't accept when a pregnant wife asking for help from a husband but he refused to do whatever the request is. tidak masuk akal. small thing like help to take a question paper from the copy room is enough to make a girl feel appreciated and loved. is it that hard to do so? even for someone like him who is nothing to me is willing to do without being ask. let alone you as a husband. you should go back and learn how to appreciate a girl. for Allah sake, it's your baby she's having in her womb right this moment.

it's not easy to find the right one, no? people change once they married. or should i say that it's hard for people to change? you've been living alone for so long, i know. at least take some time to observe your surrounding. see how others treat their wife. learn how to treat a lady. it won't bring you any harm. women like to be treated like a princess. and you know what good they can bring you once they feel loved.

i know who am i to say all this things. i'm just a single girl who knows nothing about marriage. but i am preparing myself right now to be better for that moment. i learn to be a good wife. just in case. at the same time i keep praying that Allah will shield the eyes of this kind of guy from me. hoping that one day HE will send someone who love me the way i love him. who treat me the way a woman should be treated. i know he is somewhere out there preparing himself for me too. i have faith in Allah's words...;)

some say this kind of thing is kisas or karma. if it's that so, i should fret not for i've been watching such a TLC from the men in my family towards their women.

hidayah

a conversation with one of close friends after jogging today.

he: how do we know when we get the Hidayah?

me: i don't know. usually you yourself will know. because it something that we can feel.

he: what is it feels like?

me: calm.

he: how do you feel right now? i saw a lot of changes in you.

me: i don't know how to describe it. it will come at the right time, in the right situation. but only HE know when and where. that's all i can say. as for me, i should say, after a lot of trial that i can barely pass lately, i think it is the sign from HIM that HE is the most powerful and Almighty. what other reason can you give to deny it?

and i'm happy seeing people around me start to change to a better person. and thank you to those who being so supportive to me. love you guys a lot. seriously. a lot.

p/s: should i say one of the sign is when you start enjoy reciting the Quran in your car every morning while heating the engine and listening to your favourite music?

tahajjud cinta

tipu bila aku bilang kahwin itu soal kedua dalam hidup sedang itu adalah pintu syurga bagi perempuan.

bohong bila aku tidak memikir kan nya setiap waktu di usia begini.

Ya Allah, hadir kan lah pelindung dan pembimbing yang mengimam kan setiap solat ku.

two=crowded

me, my dad and mum, we're always have this talk whenever i'm home for a holiday. they just curious why suddenly i changed for this past few years. i rarely go out like i used to do. i know that i'm getting bored. and i don't have any life except bukit garam-work-tawau-holiday. i just don't have the heart for anything. i'm losing my touch since the moment i reach bukit garam. it's not that outback. but that place changed me for who i am right now. i becoming more reserved. less-talkative. i don't mingle with my circle anymore. every time people ask me to go out, i always turn them down with so many excuse when in fact i'm just too lazy to move my butt off my mum's bed. my eyes stick to the tv when i'm in tawau. i cannot stand crowd. and what worse, i start to feel uncomfortable every time all my family gather at our place. i feel like want to go home, i mean to bukit garam right at that moment. and dad can sense it. like few nights ago, my sister and my brothers were having barbecue at our yard. i just don't feel like to mingle so i decided to sleep early. it's because i just don't have the heart. i'm kind of used to be alone. i love my solidarity. i love how me and fizzy spend our time on our own at our house in bukit garam. she's doing her things in her room while i'm doing mine. i prefer something like that.

see...that's how i feel about my family. let alone someone else. one of my brother try to talk to me this evening about my attitude. it really pissed me off. i don't know why. i know he meant for good. i said nothing. i'm getting worse than ever. this is not what i want in life. i know everyone miss the cute me. the charming me. the cuddly me who always have a stupid joke with my brothers. i lost the laugh. i lost the smile. and i know they know it. i'm sorry. i should not. i know how you guys miss your baby sis. just give me some time to enjoy the loneliness.

and to my close friends, sorry for the turn down invitation.

p/s: i think i'm having a problem.

currently nomad

living is harder when you getting older.
it's 2011 now. how do i spend my new year's eve?
crying in orca for the whole night for my stupidity.
i start my new year by donating my rm700 to a stranger just because of stupid car crash i caused because of loosing focus. great.
and it is my money. i'm not asking from daddy like i used to do. why?
because i pay it on 3rd of january. and i hereby announced that i'm broke. never mind. HE knows best.
i'm teaching in morning session right now. i sort of like it because i can sleep on the noon side.
but i spent my morning feeling sleepy for waking up too early.
i currently nomad. i have my rented house but i'm not staying there because of the water supply problem.
i'm sleeping at budak kecik's place. it is so hard. i even have my underwear right at the back seat of my car. totally uncool and not so sexy. saya benci hidup tidak terurus. i'm still looking for a better place to live.
i miss home cook. i haven't eat any of it since i came here. if you saw me closely, you can see my dry skin. i swear. i hate it. the best thing i eat since 29th dec 10 is SR tom yam kung last monday. i miss home cook. i miss veges.
just to add another worse thing in my life, now is the early year. and it's time for me to get sick. i have cough right now. sore throat. tonsil. package of voice loosing. awesome. but like Barney Stinson said "when i'm sick, i just pretend that i'm not and being awesome instead". well, i'm awesome.
kinabatangan non stop raining since forever. i love rainy days. but too much of something is bad. yeah, musim mengawan. best kan kalau sudah kahwin. someone can put you in his sweet embrace and keep you heating.
i don't know why he suddenly so eager to loose weight. it's like he obsess to be skinny. i hate it. cause he look happier when he chub. sexier. especially the ass. i ask here once again for you to not to. i like you just the way you are. 57kg is enough. and i like your tight pants. use it everyday to school so you can cheer my dying morning up. lanjik nya ni perempuan.

i wish to go back to bukit garam today cause suddenly my fun house is full of evil clown

it's weird how they keep using money to buy love and affection.
i'm mad at mum and dad today.
and tomorrow i get new things.
he's mad at his mummy today.
and the next day he get a ticket for a trip to somewhere.
that's how it works.
it's running in our family.
generation by generation.
and i wish to stop it right when i start mine.
cause i definitely don't want to have another version of me to be my baby.
enough said.

eye-opener

oh yeah...it's christmass eve and i don't know how on earth i'm thinking about this right now.
i want to be more religious in every way. i start to think about every thing happen in my life since yesteryear. it's like God is sending me some sign that until right now i still can't decode it. how shallow i am. but hey, i'm learning. Lord, this learning process will never end.
about the religious thing, actually it's not tonight. it's start since the trip to kK with Dani. funny how that shortest time he can tackles me, charm me with his wisdom words. i guess he just talks so much until my brain can't digest every little thing that came out from him. but one thing really caught my attention; "kita sebelum bekawan dengan orang kita tengok dulu macam mana dia jaga agama nya. kalau dia tau jaga agama nya, tau la dia jaga diri nya". God, i'm totally not that person. and here is some more; "sembahyang itu la yang besa nya mencegah kita dari buat dosa. contoh nya kau cakap dia begitu begini. kau tengok la dia jaga solat nya atau tidak. kalau tidak, nda heran lah dia mampu buat begitu". and i was like "am i talking to the same age person as me?" there were another things that we talk. but i'm sure can't stop writing about it until the school start next year. we do talk a lot. i talk about myself. spilling things that i never tell anyone. maybe because i'm comfortable with him, fizzy and ana. he asked me to write a book cause i have a lot of interesting story to be shared. well, i'm a keeper. i won't do such thing. haha...
recently after the sulking mode with daddy, we do the real talk. not the father-daughter moment but more to wise man-young lady moment. i know he loves me so much and off course he is the only hero that i give my fully devotion. i realize that i'm such a bad daughter. i non-stoppingly giving him bad times despite all the good things he has done for me for my entire life. i should try to run my life the way he want me to. at least that's the only good deed i can do for him and mum. i should stop being such a baby. take my life seriously. love my job and do it properly. and the most important thing is to grow up. well, for right now i promise that i'll do it for the sake of my own self. not for anyone. i know how hard it might be. but at least i should give it a shot.
be more religious. if i can't do the hard thing, at least do the least thing. do the prayer. solat. 5 times a day. it's not that hard. and watch my wear. cover every thing that can be covered. watch my language. mind my manner. until then, you'll be surprised what life may bring you.

now where the hell is my "Eat,Pray,Love" book when i really need it?

life ain't easy babe!!!

terutama buat perempuan seperti ku.
so little time so much to do.

hidup sebagai seorang guru tidak ada seronok nya lately. di timbuni kerja-kerja yang patut di kerja kan lama dulu kali. bukan salah kerjaya. salah guru itu sendiri. ya. aku tau. guru malas itu aku. rasa macam makan gaji buta saja.

hidup di bukit garam itu tidak ada best nya lately kecuali bila malam menjelma. boleh tidur dan berehat. harus terus berfikir untuk membuat keputusan akan tinggal di mana tahun depan. patut lari lebih awal sebelum nama naik menjadi calon warden untuk tahun depan.

hidup dalam ruang ini lagi tidak seronok lately. tiga hari pulang, sekali pun tidak pernah bercakap. di sekolah juga begitu. seolah-olah masing-masing guru baru yang belum berkenalan. malu untuk bertegur sapa. oh, itu kejadian biasa.

hidup perempuan ku jauh lebih worse than anything. hormonal. tidak. bukan sebab PMS. tapi sebab rasa gatal sangat mau kawin. kenapa? sebab aku bosan hidup sendiri. bosan satu bilik dengan fizzy. bukan boleh hug dia pun kalau tidur. hahaha...sebenar nya mau kawin supaya boleh gigit lengan dia.



mari lah bersama
jalani cinta kita apa ada nya

macam best.
memang.
tiba-tiba berkenan lagu ni.

your solat Jumaat attire makes me drooling and yeah, i'm drooled

now i can write back as i already got me the new pink baby. thanks to mum and thanks to me. i'm back on track. it's hard to stop writing. a week without writing is like a week without chocolate perhaps. i don't know. i'm such a bad when it comes to similarity. but yeah, i'm officially broke. i totally feel like a grown up now. i don't know in what sense. i guess in handling money. though i'm still bad in it. i pormise myself not to buy anything on my visit to kK last week. but i just couldn't. i can't resist the urge to get new things especially from my favourite store. i manage to get two new blouse. that's all. the guilty pleasure is still on until right now. i'm thinking about getting myself a new pair of heels. but when we're in the shop, pyan suddenly called and said 'sudah-sudah la tu zila. jauh perjalanan kita ni. nanti la lagi'. DAYMN!!!!!! i've become moodless and now i end up without. i still remember what it feels like when i'm the only without the new heels at the beginning of the semester. fizy and ana has one to two. and i'm nothing. nada. zilch. poor me. i shouldn't listen to dady when i want to buy the white wedges from carlorino when i'm at tawau. dady can pay it for me. see how grown up i am. yeah. love it when i'm at home. everything is from dady's pocket. i should stop doing this. i try. i promise.
Hood got me four new novel from MPH. i just love all of them. but yeah, like always i promise i spent some time to finish them. plus another three that i bought few months ago. haha...
while in kK, we manage to watch Knight and Day. and like always, Cruise charm me with his way. OMG!!! Holmes should be very careful with me. yes, i tend to fall to a 'taken' guy. ;p

p/s: i miss you. i really do. by the way, you look so damn alluring in your solat Jumaat attire last week. i'm drooling. seriously. you make me think of something i shouldn't. how sangap i am...;p

signs?

valentine's day

just watching this movie. i know it's kind of late and if i were in kK i'd be the first to watch perhaps. cause that what me and halizah do when we have such tiny little time away from her guy. watching chick flicks. but here i am in bukit garam, watching the dvd 3 months later after the movie being released. pity me. what can i say about the movie? if you prefer some drama, being melodramatic, don't watch this. this is just another 'he's just not that into you' kind of movie. simple and relax with a lot of A-list star as an attraction. but still there are a lot of message you can get there especially if you were single like me. or you facing turbulence in your relationship. what i love the most is, it teach you to accept whomever your loved one used to be or used to do. forgiveness is the main key. one thing for sure, if you ever met that real Mr.McDreamy, stay away from him. he's married. and he just celebrating his 15th anniversary of marriage with Pamela. now i know why Dr.Sloan still single in Grey's Anatomy. he's gay. haha...Eric Dane is gay in this movie. fucking unbelievable!!! such a hot guy turn out to be gay. i'm so frustrated. mister, you're not gay, right? and man prefer girl with 3s. smart, sensitive and sexy. then it remind me to someone long time ago who used to describe me as cute, clever and sexy. well mr.someone, i'm a teacher now. and i'm still cute, still clever and still maintain my sexiness. and people still think me as sexy when i'm in baju kurung. just like you. i'm sure you having fun with your life as FA. good luck.
have to wake up early tomorrow as i'm having drama practice with the 'budak2 ni' at 9am. then promise the boys at hostel that i'm going to teach them english at noon. i'm worried about the drama competition next week. it's getting closer but the kids did not show any progress. it's like they just playing around. i know some of them trying their best, but what about the others? i just wish luck is on our side. suddenly remind me to what Firdaus Lee used to said to me "don't believe in luck zila. believe in Allah". crap!!! thanks a lot firdaus. it meant a lot to me. still i'm hoping for some luck here. i know people at school expect something from me. failure? maybe. who knows what's on their mind especially those who hates me. i know quite well what they've been up to. some of them stop talking to me. i don't know what's their problem. malas mau ingau. as long as they don't give a fuck on me then i won't give a damn on their life.
the greatest achievement a teacher can get is when their weak students finally pass their monthly test. i adore this two kiddies. they both from 2B class which is full of low level of proficiency in English. but they keep seeing m,e asking me question, this and that. especially the grammar part. frankly speak, i never put any hope to this method. but finally it shows something. it shows that, if you really do your homework, follow what i said to you in class, flying colour is totally yours..:) hope the other students learn their lesson well from these two kids. teacher going to buy you something. promise.

my notebook's screen macam mau patah. cracking at the edge. now i know i'm supposed to buy that vaio when i'm in kK. now can't. have to wait for dady's generosity to buy me one or at least adding some money. why? because i have none..;)

p/s: mister, i'm so damn jealous right now. i think you know why.
btw, i think PMS gonna struck me real sooner. again? what's going on here? should consult gyno?

great weekend-happy sunday

having a substitution school for kaamatan leave yesterday. great. working on saturday.
cook something for that mister for dinner last night when it turn out that he was home quite late last night. pity me. tired cooking yet nobody's eating. mister, i'm so kecik hati no matter how many times you said sorry. it's not like everyday i want to cook for you. only on occasion. when i'm in the mood to minta puji. never mind then..:(
everyone now agreed that i'm getting fat and chubby. don't know why. i don't think i eat that much. but i have to agree too. why? because i'm back to size 4. that was my size when i weight around 53-56 kg. i never weight myself anymore. luckily we don't have the scale here. or else i end up weighing myself every day. can't believe i'm in size 4 back!!! then what should i do to my size 2 pants? i have like 5 pairs of them. all are from mango and roxy. one from east india company. wore it less than 5 times each. still brand new..:( should thinking about selling my stuff online. anyone interested? feel free to contact me..;)
what's the good thing back in size 4? i can wear all my pants back. wowee...!!!
yeah, by the way me already delete my friendster and myspace account. deleting my old blog. so i only have this one. and delete a few of earlier entry. just want to forget my so-called uglisita past. don't know why. don't ask. then remember a quote from someone i forgot his name already. i quote "trying to forget your past and it'll bring you back to where you've started", i unquote. great!!!
me thinking of asking dad to buy me a bicycle for my used here. what for? exercise lorr.. jogging makes me easily tired. plus, cycling can shaped a beautiful thigh. maybe this is the time i'm going to have that sexy kelly rowland's thigh..woot woot.. just adding another relevant reason, i can use that bike to go to Sedco, perhaps..:p
so, what say you, big dady? can or not? or else by me new car then. lagi la melampau. but you've promised, right dad?
we're having a bbq party this morning for the school sport's contingent. can't help that much as i don't know what to do. why sabrina scared of kakak (auntie perasan) zila? i guess i'm not that good in handling toddler. sucks!!! what am i going to do to my own baby later. poor me. mister, is that okay with you? i don't have that sense of motherhood...:(

look how sexy kelly's thigh is.....
me want that. me want that.

dad, i want something like this.
doesn't look too boyish, not so girlie
just nice for your baby daughter...:)

p/s: me looking for some blissful by non-stoppingly feeding hershey huggs to my mouth since this morning...;)

kota keriangan

tumbuk perut 3 kali
tampar bibir
tikam pakai pisau bawang

and there goes my weekend. non-stopingly laughing about this three things. thanks to pyan, joild, fizy and voo. faizal? he's too busy with his tunangan.
told you i don't know what to buy. i buy nothing except new books and a printer. and chocolate. and Mango's stuff. and shoes. and hobo bag. a flip flop. and there goes my list. congratulation. i heart saving..=p
mister, i lie to you. told you i buy nothing. but my list is too long. pardon me.
halizah and zufrey, i'm so kecik hati with you both. i won't go there after this. macam sial ja gaya kamu. perasan busy. won't talk to you.
jalan-jalan di sana bawa giant roxy bag, remind me a lot of my campus life. miss that a lot. the different thing is, now going out with yusri and fizy. before, used to go out with radi, asrul and cik ina. forgot to contact cik ina when i was there. promise her to belanja makan. next time ya dalink. tunggu abang radi here on your convocation day this coming October.

sparkling?

the real reason why i'm coming to your city
just to get this

the shy pilot

the bestest co-pilot one's ever had
chip sir?
cigar? light?

i love this picture a lot

tired and oily face suddenly look chooooo...damn chexy..
what do you think, sir?

a healthy breast that bounce on his italian leather sofa...sweet song from Cake. thanks sir joild for that beautiful quote...=p

p/s: tiap kali aku makan aku ingat kau sini. ko ja tu yang nda ingat aku...=(

crave

i'm craving for black pepper beef lately. but i know i won't get any here. i decided to cook. i repeat COOKING. hahaha...

mister, u going to have a very late dinner tonight. and please don't say anything if it wasn't that good. this is my first attempt. it's time for you to fall for me ok..woot and wink..;)

p/s: i'm not in a very good mood lately. don't know why. PMS? jauh sekali....must be hormonal...bangang..

annoying me!!!

yes..prepare to be annoyed!!!

yup i have a 'mouth on foot' syndrome where i used to speak up my mind without thinking about others feeling. sometimes i did it purposely, sometimes i don't. mau makan kasut ni anak ni. but when yusri suddenly said 'kecik hati ku sama kau zila' at in-house literature meeting this morning, i suddenly feel weird. i don't know why. perhaps he is the first person who ever claim me being such an arsehole. yus, that biatch word is just slip of the tongue. never meant that way when we talk about tuuuuuuuuuuuuut. and i keep saying sorry and he goes like 'what's the point of saying sorry if you'll do it again and again later'. yup. that's me. i say sorry now the next thing you know, i do it again. i tend to forget. like right now, biatch..=p
but i never thought yusri is having such a fragile heart. i know he is the 'soft-spoken' person. kalo becakap dengan dia soal hati dan perasaan, macam becakap dalam kelambu. (mister, you don't have to worry, ok. me and yusri are just friend. he is like another version of me. you still the one i heart..;p)
when he suddenly upset just because of that simply LITTLEST THING i do, i think i really need some changes. from now on, i'll pay more attention to others. i'll stop talking bad thing. i'll stop cursing. i put you close to my heart, yus. if that makes you happy, then i'll be happier to less those stupid things i used to say. crossing finger...=p
mister, what do you think of me?
i feel annoyed with my surrounding lately. i know it's because of the PMS. but i'm not someone who let PMS control me. i don't know why out of sudden i feel really annoyed. i'm annoyed with even the simplest thing people can imagine like why my hair doesn't look like katie holmes bob anymore when i know very well it's getting longer. i'm annoyed because i'm running out of my shower foam when i know i still have a bottle of it in room. i'm annoyed because i don't want to talk to mum for i'm running away from the Adam's talk. i'm annoyed to my dad because i don't know why. i'm annoyed because i cannot sleep for i already have not just a nap, but a very long sleep before. i'm annoyed because i don't read that much right now and i don't speak English anymore and i think i start losing my English. see...crap kn my English right now. macam bukan budak TESL ja. i'm annoyed because i don't know what to teach my students. i'm annoyed and tired of pretending that i heart teaching a lot when i know very well i didn't applied anything i've learnt from all my fellow lecturers in UMS. i'm annoyed because i know i'm flunk of becoming English teacher. i'm just annoyed. somebody please help this super massive annoying princess. Miss Aida, i think i need you right now.

p/s: i hate my English and so did everyone..:(

i sing my heart out about feb

haven't write for quite long time. been busy with school stuff. hari kejohanan smkbg was held last week for three days in a row. i end up look like anak hindu. tired but still one of the bestss. i once again admit that i start to like this place. in fact i already like this place. i don't mind teaching in this place for another three years ahead. why? don't ask why now. i still don't know the answer. hope mum would give her full support to this new things inside of me and stop asking me to ask for transfer. and dad please stop asking your brother to transfer me back to tawau. i like it here. i like it a lot. doesn't matter if i'm like 'org patah kaki' with no car. no place to go. doesn't matter anymore whether you buy me a car or not. dad, i'm sure you know how i feel about 'the car buying thing' and i'm sure you know that i'm in my sulky mood for quite a long time. right from the moment when you said 'meng, nda bole lagi saya kasi kuar keta utk meng sebab my name already being used for kak lin's'. i never thought it would end up damn hurt. dad, you should know better. but never mind. i'm growing up dad!!
back to the school sports day, yes! my rumah sukan and faizal is the last one. congrats to joild and voo's rumah sukan for becoming the champ. school sports day is not bad at all. i just realize it..=p
weekend, me and fizzy going to lahad datu. awesome night. i think from the moment we met, i mean me, yus, fizzy, juna and cia..we never stop asking each other 'kau kenal ka si...'. i guess we shared a lot of same friends. what a small small world. after all we all come from almost the same place. going to Cinta at night. sing my heart out. trying to forget everything when in fact i don't know what to forget. what's forgotten. i like the new me. should thanking my dad for giving me the second chance last year. i should thankful for what i have now. doesn't matter with or without ADAM. and should ask mum to stop asking me about ADAM things. should stop her asking about yusri. don't know why mum likes my own bff. mum, trust me, you don't want another version of me to be your menantu. kalo kawin dengan dia, nda beasap la dapur kami tu. sama ja ma dia dengan aku. paling sama belanja nya ma. plus, i don't have that kind of feeling to him. i want someone else. cause i think that person already start touching my heart with his gaya yang betebiat kuat minta puji and sometimes minta maki. it's been a long time since someone make me feel that way. who is he? learn to be patient k. i myself still in a blurry mode. i think i need a spectacle..=p
hey mister, do you like me or not?
last night asking him 'kau pena ka rasa sunyi betul dengan hidup mu'..then he answer 'mau dua tahun sdh aku kesunyian'...well, looks like we're in the same boat. so what are you waitig for? hahaha...i don't think he likes me that way or i'm still not sure what do i really feel about him. i'm tired. i'm scared. of hurt. can ka becinta after we tie the knot? do you ever put in your beautiful mind about marrying someone you just met? pena ka mister? let's give it a try. what say you? tying the knot?! orang mulau pun nda buat begitu kali.
how do i feel about you? and mostly what do you think of me? should i ask you personally? will you answering that kind of question if i ever ever ask you? or you just put your unconscious mode again and again like you used to then out of the blue appear again. sweet damn Lord, give me a hint please so at least i see a light at the end of the tunnel.

p/s: sunyi kan sekarang ni?

entry gedik

entry gedik sesuai untuk orang gedik macam masdarwis maskor yang selalu mengolok aku...supaya ko lebih kenal aku dari dulu-dulu lagi...=p

transformation

2007

salah kan choco muffin

2oo8

mcD twister fries and frizzy orange

it started from here...late 2008

2009

2010

end up mcm taik muka ku sekarang

yes i know it's getting worse...but everything's fine as long as i'm getting thinner...=)

p/s: entry product yang pernah digunakan akan di upload later...

dilemma kegedikan sendiri

using this for this past half year

and now thinking about using this back

or should i try another bau yg gedik ini?

i still love my current smell....nanti macam bukan zila pula kalo nda bau begitu...:(

p/s: ko suka ka bau ku sekarang? ka ko nda perasan pun itu bau ku?