i'm not a bitch who keep hurting people who's in love with me

"you're still the same old zila. flirt with everyone, stick to no one," said a friend.

for the record, i don't flirt. i'm just being nice and sweet. if you defined it as flirting, then you got me wrong baby. and why should i stick to anyone? i'm not looking for that kind of relationship. i want something serious. i'm tired of committing myself to things like that where the chances of getting hurt is high. i'm scared. being in love with someone is tiresome. you have to give your full attention. you sacrifice yourself, time, energy and your private space for some uncertain future. for what? so you can get hurt and repeating the same rebound phase again and again. no thanks, baby. i've had enough already. they said love and commitment come hand in hand. that's why i stick to wait for the right one. the one who's going to shake my dad's hand on my big day and promise him that he will take care of his little baby girl. and to that guy i shall give my love and full commitment.
in other words, i'm waiting for that guy to propose. i want marriage. i dreamed about it all the time. only not with you or anyone. i've got my own choice. so stop bickering.

i swallowed the key to my heart

there is this guy whom i met last december in kK. he is actually one of my clan back in uni life. we used to hang out together. in fact we used to be close. like real close. we used to entertain him on his rebound phase after been cheated by one of our girlfriend. he is a really nice guy. in scale 1-10, i can give him 9 or maybe 10.

he asked me out that time but i'm too lazy to make time for anyone but myself. i'm engaged to family matters and couldn't find the right moment to go out with him. since then we keep in touch. texting and phone call. i must say it's more to him trying to reach me cause i never text him first. and it took 5 calls before i pick it up. it's not like i'm being mean or whatever. i just don't want to have any contact from anyone in my previous life. life was so fucking awesome and sinful that time. i don't need a person who keep remind me of it. it's not like we talk about it. it's just whenever we talk, we always bring something from behind here and there. i maybe laugh at that time, but once he hung up, i curse every conversation we just made. talking about life and everything. friends and families.

he rang me on sunday afternoon when i was in kK. so i picked it up and he asked me to go out for a dinner. i'm not really in the mood to meet people so i turned him down by saying i'm with some friends. but then when i was having dinner with my friends, he rang again inviting me for dinner. after been forced by my friends i said yes. so we went out.

he fetched me at the hotel and we have our dinner somewhere. i was actually texting with someone else for the rest of our dinner. i'm not paying much attention to him but i was shocked when he suddenly confess his feeling to me. he ruined the night and i insisted him to send me back to the hotel. the rest of the night is disaster to me. i should have thought that the night is meant something to him. right from the moment i enter his car, i know something wasn't right. he is too formal and too charming and all that. i know he's trying to impress me. but i always make myself clear in every conversation we made that i'm sort of having unresolved feeling with someone here. when he send me back to the hotel, before i went out, he said "kita steady la. sa benci life sa sekarang ni. rasa macam mau mati ja". the die part i can never forget cause i giggled when i heard it. then i said "kita different sudah. at least aku yang berubah. i'm not looking for relationship but more to something serious". he asked "kau mau kawin?". i said "ya. aku penat sudah mau jadi macam dulu. kalau kau benci life kau sekarang, kau suru family kau cari perempuan untuk kau. kawin". then i left. he text me that night asking me to give him a chance but i didn't replied it. i deleted all his texts and i come back to Bukit Garam acting like nothing happen on the weekend. i regretted saying yes to his invitation. now i lost another great friend.

hati saya gering dan penawar nya hanya pada dia.

apa yang cuba di sampai kan Nya?

adakah Tuhan sedang mempermain kan saya dengan cuba menipu?

atau saya yang sukar menerima realiti setelah hidup 26 tahun dengan hakikat itu?

atau kah ini juga dugaan yang super maha tidak best?

tapi kenapa kini setelah saya mendekat kan diri dengan Nya?

ain't Saint at all

aku anggap dia ibarat Santa Claus. selalu berjaya mengada kan yang tidak ada buat ku. setiap wish yang aku pinta, pasti di tunai. tidak dapat di segera kan, esok lusa pasti ada. dari kecil sampai besar. pernah bilang jangan dia di ambil sebelum aku di ambil. dia dunia ku. dia cukup perfect.

apa rasa nya bila dapat tahu Santa Claus tu tidak wujud. yang wujud hanya manusia yang penuh kekhilafan. tapi macam mana mau tukar mind set selama 26 tahun ni?

vida

i'm trying as hard as i can to run my life as normal as possible.

i know it might be the hardest things to do.

but i believe by pretend that everything is going to be okay will make everything right.

for this time being.

doesn't matter how i feel inside.

doesn't matter what is on my mind lately.

i'll fake it.

i'll fake everything.

for the sake of myself.

i should not let my guard down.

i should not stop protecting my heart.

i should start now before everything is too late.

Tuhan itu adil dan selalu tahu apa yang terbaik buat hamba Nya. siapa aku untuk mempersoal segala nya bila semua sudah di atur sebaik-baik mengikut percaturan Nya. hidup dan chess itu sama sahaja. tiada siapa yang menjanji kan ending terbaik. sebab cuma Dia yang tahu siapa pemenang dan siapa pengalah in the end. dan siapa aku juga untuk bilang "ini tidak best". cuma aku minta satu sahaja. hati ku jangan lagi di uji sedang semua tau aku tidak cukup kuat. siapa lagi aku untuk mempersoal permintaan ku yang belum di makbul. bukan menyangsi kuasa Nya tapi sekadar bertanya. di mana keadilan sedang saban jam aku melihat manusia bertopeng syaiton bahagia dengan hidup yang Kau berikan sedang aku masih belum beroleh nya dan terus hidup dengan kepincangan dan ujian yang tidak pernah putus. di mana keadilan yang di war-war kan. sekali lagi siapa aku untuk mempersoal semua itu sedang aku hanya mengingat Mu di kala getir. bila jiwa rapuh. siapa aku?

i know you read this. help me to put myself at ease again. like you used to do.

i'd love to

I'd love to kill you with a kiss

I'd like to strike you down with bliss

I'd like to tie you up in knots

Until your heart stops

I'd love to kill you with a glance

I'd like to put you in a trance

I'd like to drug you with my scent

And use you in the moment, ooh

I'd love to kill you as you eat

The pleasure would taste so sweet

I'd like to open up your skin

And wander there within

I'd love to kill you by a stream

Where no one can hear my baby scream

And then I'd run away and be free

The sweetest victory, ooh

I love to watch you in your sleep

'Cause you don't have power over me

And when you're awake I'm undone

Under you spell in hell

once again

i know that You won't answer my prayer through this. but i believe that You always hear those who asked from You. and now i ask YOU to save it for me cause i seriously need it. bring it back again like You once grant me with it. i only said it because i mean it. and i mean cause it's true.

p/s: i'm at the edge of my emotion and i'm watching the shadows burning in the dark.

fallire

i miss this smell. my morning won't be the same without it.

the art of utter

i don't know what's with some people who never learn to say 'thank you'. it is very hard for them to say this two meaningful words. it's like as if they going to loose their pride in front of others. i don't ask you to pay me back for my kindness. all i want is just to hear the 'thank you' word and i'll be okey. but it seems like i won't get it no matter how long i wait for it cause you are that kind of person. the kind who never be grateful for things people do for you. all you care is about yourself and your own satisfaction. sometimes i do pity you for not realizing this sort of thing. i think you need someone to knock some sense to you. definitely not me cause i don't think i would spend another minute talking to a person like you. and the fact that you no longer a friend of mine, makes my life even brighter. even funnier. cause i don't have to deal with a snob like you.

like i said before, learn the art of thanking and grateful.

another not-so-practical Sunday

so here i am alone in house again. budak kecik is going to LD. i'm just tired to go anywhere. after three days of school sports day, three days of holiday seems not enough to regain all the energy and all the noon nap that i've missed. budak kecik is officially no longer a matron anymore. and that allows us to spend 24/7 together. as if we were couple. yuck!!! haha...

i got a new hair cut last friday. nothing new actually. a fringe with a slightly longer bob. this time around, i just went to the salon, taking all my guts to cut it without asking permission or some opinion from anyone. not even him. though i know how much he likes a girl with a long hair. seriously, does it makes any different? no, right? OMG!!! i'm so brave. haha...i'm happy with the new look cause i look a little bit younger. not saying that i am old right now. so it is true when they said that making some changes to yourself can bring a new energy. a positive force to you. i kinda feel it right now.

remember when i said i start losing weight lately? budak kecik said i look bidak in my cotton pants now. i should firming my body. should do the hill sprint to make sure my butt stay firmer. weight gaining? it's not that hard for me. all i need is a glass of milk and a pack of cookies right before bed time.

too many things happen lately. i so hate hectic chaotic life. even hate the fact that i have to pretend that i like everyone here when actually i curse every time i saw their faces. and whenever i have to talk to certain people, and they treat me nicely, in my heart i feel like 'enough la...stop acting like i don't know what kind of crap you were talking behind my back'. i hate that feeling. why can't anyone be like me? you know when i don't like somebody, i just stop making any contact to them. i won't talk. i won't see their faces. i seldom hate people. only when they do bad things to me then i realize that and i stop be nice and be mean instead. daddy keep asking me to stop acting that way. saying that i am big enough to acting like a child. but i just couldn't. i'm not a kid anymore where i can pretend to be their friends so that i can have a friends to play around. plus, when they no longer a friend to me, it just gives me another reason to talk bad things about them without feeling guilty that i bad talking my own friends. haha. cool kan?

dani asked me yesterday about our little argument that leads to cold-shoulder war. i kind of what? who told you all of this? he didn't said anything but chuckles. off course he was the one who told dani. who else kan? so he did realize about that. that means he knows that it hurts me a lot when he treat me that way. hey!!! i never yell to you. i talk to you nicely. always. all the time. not one time i raise my voice to you. not even when i'm in PMS. is it wrong for me when i expect you to at least treat me the same way i do even when you're not in a good mood? compare to me, in a one whole month how many times did you face mood swing? none. or at least once. me? i'm having PMS a week before the menses and a week after the menses. 14 days and plus another 7-8 days of mood swing during the menses. that makes 21-22 days of 30 in a month. so now you tell me in that time, did i ever yell at you? did i ever make you as my punching bag whenever i'm mad at the students? did i ever treat you badly even when the world start to be such a diabolic to me? now you tell me!!!

ya saya sangat kecik hati dengan kamu. dan saya juga tahu kamu bukan kisah.

p/s: got to go. have to:

1. shower.

2. can i just pretend that it's not my time to cook for lunch today?

3. calling mum to ask for the winter melon chicken soup recipe. (it's raining season again here. i just want to make sure that every one of us stay healthy and not caught any flu or cough)

4. preparing lesson plan for my observation tomorrow.

5. start packing my stuff before moving to Perumahan next week. (mati la. punya banyak barang. should have listen to mum when she said i should stop buying things i don't need)

hey!!! i have not take my breakfast yet.

be nice please

i know i'm such a rude person. i yell as i wish. my word is worse. i'm using blow and job in the same sentence. but still i talk to certain people nicely. in a proper way. now when i get a reply like "kau siapa mau mengarah-arah aku?" from someone i talk extra nicely, i was like .........wtf?

perhaps you had a bad day. but it doesn't mean that you can use me as your punching bag. some thing to let go of your anger. or maybe i'm asking too much for you to turn around?