your hand writing. the way you walk. your sense of fashion. the way you see the world.

"what i want is to be needed. what i need is to be indispensable to somebody. who i need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my intention. somebody addicted to me. a mutual addiction" - Chuck Palahniuk.

hi, my name is zila marsden and i'm addicted to you.

it's not about the lust. it's the love that catch my attention.

spent my weekend engrossed myself into this trilogy. i can't give further review over these books. you've got to read it to understand it. different people have different point of view about BDSM and all that submissive thingy. but i can say i like it better than twilight. at least it's logic and it happens in our daily basis. overall, i'm glad that i ditched The Best of Me by Nicholas Sparks for this one. the overnight totally paid off.

just so you know, reading the pdf version is totally not cool to me. but i have to read it because they put me on pre-order for the books. sucks.

p/s: Edward Cullen is no longer my eye candy. well, say hello to Christian Grey. dark and mysterious philanthropy. still he is no HK..;p

i love you because the entire universe conspired to help me find you

according to Coelho, love is narcotic. at first it brings the euphoria of complete surrender. the next day, you want more. you're not addicted yet, but you like the sensation, and you think you can still control things. you think about the person you love for two minutes, and forget them for three hours. but then you get used to that person, and you begin to completely dependent on them. now you think about him for three hours and forget him for two minutes. if he's not there, you feel like an addict who can't get a fix. and just as addicts steal and humiliate themselves to get what they need, you're willing to do anything for love. sounds pathetic yet beautiful.

another productive day

if we're not stuck with the vampire, we enter the world of magic. i find that strong headed self-centered arrogant brat, Prince Arthur, fascinating with his smirk and sarcastic comment towards Merlin. and he looks dashing in his knight wear. he reminds me of James Franco in Tristan and Isolde.

and i'm trying to finish The Choice by Nicholas Sparks by tonight cause according to my plan, i'm going to finish my exam paper this weekend. as far as i'm concern, i haven't done anything related to school.

did i mention i took a nap every one hour since morning?

you, 

listen to the track when they were making love during the honeymoon.

museum of innocence

i don't know where to begin with this story. i just love everything about it. from kemal and fusun. then kemal and sibel. it's not about obsession. it's about reminiscing the good all days. i don't know. i see myself as kemal most of the time. it's really hard to be in his shoes. having a fling with the woman he loves the most but engaged to someone else that he didn't intend to hurt. i love the way he makes fusun feel. i love the way he describes fusun's smell. what kind of guy who describes a girl's smell as "combination of children biscuits and burnt caramel". can you imagine how sweet the smell is? until right now i still look for that smell every time i enter bakery shop or chocolate house. i love the way they make love to each other. i love the way he suffered when fusun left. i love how he keep fusun's things. i love how he used to come to fusun's family house to have dinner and stealing their things. i love the idea of him creating a museum to keep all his memory with fusun. how crazy it is to even keep a ruler that fusun used to use when kemal tutoring her maths. and then how cute it is to keep sniffing it 24/7 when fusun left. i know it's insane and so very illogical. but i don't care. love is insane. there's no right or wrong when it comes to love. no one put any rules that one should follow when they're in love. people just follow their heart. i love how Pamuk describes their love making session. not too much not too little. it's not like you're reading one of Robert's art of romance but still it gives you pleasure by imagining how sensual it is but not in erotic way. i know i should stop. luckily, it's only in the first part of the book. or else, i will call daddy to give him green light to accept any proposal come. hehe.

still, i wish the story won't end. i'm thinking of reread this book when i really have time.

p/s: perhaps i should start to sniff my marker pen that he borrowed last week. or keep all his food case in my museum. hehe.

i'm actually listening to Candy Shop by Dan Finnerty. can't get enough of how cute this song is.

communication is the key to a success relationship

finished reading this book when i'm in my parents place. it is about an arranged marriage between Nina and Ananda. i wonder what it feels like to marry with someone you don't know but you have to just to please every one. just to make things worse, Ananda is having PE (premature ejaculation). i know it's hard for both side. Nina with her unsatisfied needs and Ananda with his own dilemma. but they manage to get through it eventually. i think Eastern guy should learn to explore their body. know what can bring them pleasure and try to relax. most of all is you have to know your body and be comfortable with it.

a good read for a newlyweds i think. so that they can learn how to give and take in relationship. just a small advice from this Miss-act-like-I-know-everything-about-marriage, to the ladies, demand less. and to the guys, you have to learn to listen and observe. and for the record, put aside your bloody ego.

home alone

i'm supposed to finish reading this one.

instead of that, i've been spending my time since friday watching Harry Potter the series. i told you i'm not a big fan of him. but still Harry Potter is one of the best literature that one should read and watch.

left alone is so not cool. budak kecik was off to LD since yesterday to do some errands. she's only going to be back tomorrow. i hate when i'm alone at home. it's kind of creepy sometimes. whenever i'm downstairs, i kind of feel like someone is upstairs. i try to ignore it. but i just couldn't. something keep remind me of 3A story about "orang sebelah". well, it's about someone knocking your door and when you asked who is that, he will answer "orang sebelah". you thought he is your neighbour but he is actually "orang sebelah" or half man. i know it's some of ridiculous tale people used to tell. but when you're alone, everything goes to your mind playing like some silly ad. scary, i know.

i guess Nafilah 1 is my second kitchen right now cause i'm so not in the mood to cook. i have a lot of food stock in the fridge waiting to be cooked. i have pasta and everything. i just hate cooking when i'm alone. i don't know how to eat a decent food alone at home but i can sit at a restaurant having my meal alone. weirdo!!! i promise to make a healthy salad for budak kecik so she can

munch it whenever she feels like eating. she's currently on her weight gaining process. so far she managed to gain 2 kgs in a week. almost reach 40 kg. i am so happy for her. i should take care of her food to make sure she's taking a healthy diet and not having all the carbs and sugary food.

just a kind reminder for myself when i'm driving:

1. TOLONG TEKAN BREAK DI SELEKOH HOSPITAL, DI DEPAN PADANG, SIMPANG MASUK AGRO BANK, SIMPANG PASAR DAN BUKIT MENUJU PERUMAHAN.

2. TOLONG JANGAN MELEBIHI 80kmj SEPANJANG JALAN DARI SIMPANG HOSPITAL SEHINGGA DI SIMPANG SESB.

3. TOLONG JANGAN MELEBIHI 100kmj SEPANJANG PERJALANAN KE SEKOLAH.

4. TOLONG JANGAN MELEBIHI 40kmj DI SEKITAR KAWASAN PERUMAHAN TERUTAMA DI LORONG 1.

5. TOLONG JANGAN MEMECUT LAJU DI BUKIT NAIK KE GATE SEKOLAH.

mau hidup lebih lama kan?

random photo taken from FB group.

seni membuka buras. indah kan?

di tambah dengan tempe dan ayam masak lengkuas.

mood raya tiba awal.

nothing beat the smell of new book

except his smell.

when i'm in a very sad mood, i tend to read a very sad story so i could compare my sadness to those in the novel. i'll end up feeling grateful that my life is way better than the one in the novel. i'm currently reading this book since few days ago. it really move me. as always, middle East story success to make me cry. always. imagine, you as a Muslim Lebanon living in London struggle to have a baby. not because you can't conceive but because you refused to accept the fate that God is not going to give you one just because HE said so. so far, it makes me cried once. so far. i've read until page 48. still a very long way to go. she met a girl named Zahra. i always love that name which means 'flower'. i plan to name my baby girl (i'm wishing) as Suri Zahra. suri is the name of one of the guardian roses in heaven. nice, right. what if it's a boy? i'll name him Elijah. something i always have in mind since i'm with KA long time ago. Khairul Elijah. so i could call him Kal El. Clark Kent's name back at his planet. too much dream. i know. but right now i think Aidan is much better. but i have to change the spelling to Eiden. E, because my mum's name start with an E and Den because my dad's name end with it. cool kan. enough..;)

i lost 4 kgs without even trying to lose weight. to me it's not a good sign. that means i'm not in a good condition. there are something wrong with me. i'm not happy. seriously. so i went out to jog after asar today. mind that my asar is around 4 something because i'm such a bad noon napper. i run and run and run until i'm tired. and now my whole muscle is start to ache. i'm just praying it won't lead to sick. cause i'm so tired of sick lately. it's good. it's fun. running, thinking and talking at the same time. it's not like i'm running to lose weight. i just want to keep fit. to make me feel healthier. at least i'm doing something other than read and online on weekend. feel so great right now. you know what? it sting to receive a comment like "tecer nda makan perut pun tapi still babat juga".

whore

the world does not always revolved around you. you are not the trend setter when you know very well i'm the first one who did every thing you do now. that makes me as the trend setter. yet i never claim anyone as a copy cater when i know all that trend belong to the 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s. you and me just relive it. believe me, no one wants to be a clone when we all well aware that we're just cloning someone from behind back when life was new and people were young. so please, please, please, grow up. never claim anyone as a follower. comprehende?

i am now trying to understand life from a prostitute, Maria, point of view. something worthwhile than reading your full of grammatical error works.

to all the men out there

Date a Girl Who Read

by Rosemary Urquico

Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes. She has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve.

Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag.She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she finds the book she wants. You see the weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a second hand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow.

She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the book.

Buy her another cup of coffee.

Let her know what you really think of Murakami. See if she got through the first chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she says she understood James Joyce’s Ulysses she’s just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if she loves Alice or she would like to be Alice.

It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas and for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry, in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does.

She has to give it a shot somehow.

Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world.

Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who understand that all things will come to end. That you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.

Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilightseries.

If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.

You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s sick. Over Skype.

You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.

Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.

p/s: (^^)

semalam yang hangat

there's nothing beat lying on bed wearing tank top and boardshort in a rainy day reading pending book

"Jadi anda dapat membaca hati ku, Padre. Anda tahu aku mencintai nya, dan cinta ku semakin besar bersama belalu nya waktu. Bersama-sama kami menemu kan dunia dan tinggal di dalam nya. Ia selalu ada setiap hari dalam hidup ku-entah aku mengingin kan nya atau tidak."

"Aku berhak bahagia, Padre. Aku telah menemu kan yang hilang, dan tidak ingin kehilangan lagi. Aku akan berjuang demi kebahagiaan ku. Jika aku menyerah, aku akna meninggal kan kehidupan spiritual ku. Seperti kata anda, aku akna mengenyah kan Tuhan bersama-sama kekuatan dan kuasa ku sebagai wanita. Aku akan berjuang demi mendapat kan diri nya, Padre."

towards the ending...

Mata ku di penuhi air.
"Aku akan duduk bersama mu di tepi sungai ini. Jika kau pulang untuk tidur, aku akan tidur di luar rumah mu. Jika kau pergi, aku akan mengikuti mu-sampai kau mengusir ku pergi. Maka baru la aku pergi. Tapi aku harus mencintai mu sepanjang hidup ku."

Di tepi sungai Piedra aku duduk dan menangis.
"Cinta mu telah menyelamat kan aku dan mengembali kan aku ke mimpi."
"Ia akan membantu ku menemukan jalan ku lagi."
"Jalan kita."
"Ya. Jalan kita."
Ia meraih tangan ku dan menarik ku hingga berdiri.

not every one is that lucky be able to find the soul mate who is willing to wait. to sacrifice their present for the sake of the love one. and not every one is willing to accept you for who you are.


p/s: and it takes me more than a month to finish this 222 pages book. Indonesian is so hard to be understood. they complicate the simple things.

soulmate

"but how will i know who my Soulmate is?"

"you could tell your Soulmate by the light in their eyes, and since time began, that has been how people have recognised their true love. the Tradition of the Moon used a different process: a kind of vision that showed a point of light above the left shoulder of your Soulmate."

"by taking risks"

"by risking failure, disappointment, disillusion, but never seizing in your search for Love. as long as you keep looking, you will triumph in the end."

finish reading this book today. what have i learn? i am more to the tradition of the Sun which applied more practical than the theory. yes. i am someone like that.

p/s: i believe in the spark of first time meeting.

Zahir

at first i see invigilating for SPM as one of the hardest burden. you have to work at school holidays while your colleague having fun out there enjoying every single moment of it. but today i have spent two days of it makes me realize lot's of things. this giving me chance to finish up reading all the novels i bought back this past few months when i'm so perasan busy having no time finishing it. other than that, i could spend my day facebooking while standing at the back of the classroom watching the candidates. it's close to heaven. at least.

talking about the book that i just finished this morning, The Zahir by Paulo Coelho. mind me if i chattered too much while giving my point of view of the story. now i understand why they said this book has touch million of people's heart when reading it. i wish i could cry but i just couldn't. so i let my heart cry. why? it touch me in every where. every part of my body. the guy himself feels like me. i used to love someone exactly the way he loves his wife. we love someone so much but not enough to show it to them. as i used to said as long as someone's knows that i love him, it is enough for me. i forget that love means more than saying 'i love you'. i forget that love means commitment. it takes more than anything to stay together. i always think that i know his soul better that he won't leave me for anything. and then when it happen, that's when i realize my idea is totally plain stupid. people be in love to feel the joy of it. to enjoy. to pleasure. not feeling misery. feeling abundance. i don't know.

well, they said, love and dependency come together hand in hand. haha...

back to the book, i like the guy. it's like knowing myself through his perspective. cause i am someone like him in terms of relationship. of feeling. i like when he tried to know his wife back from someone else. someone he never thought his wife mingle with. i love the way of knowing back someone you love cause you might be surprised with what you just find out. it's like back when you first know them. it is so much. too much. meaningful. i like when he feel lost when she's gone. that's when he realize how much he needs her. even he's been surrounded by different women, still he longing for her. longing for the hot chocolate moment. longing for the argument.
oh...i just love the guy. and when it ended that way, that's what i called a total catharsis of a reader like me...;)

i couldn't agree more to this:
"i had lunch with a friend who had just got divorced and she said to me: 'Now i can enjoy all the freedom i've always dream of having'. but that's a lie. no one wants that kind of freedom: we all want commitment, we all want someone to be beside us to enjoy the beauties of Geneva, to discuss books, interviews, films or even to share a sandwich with because there isn't enough money to buy one each. better to eat half sandwich than a whole one. better to be interrupted by the man who wants to get straight back home because there's a big games on TV tonight or by the woman who were stop outside a shop window and interrupts what we were saying about the cathedral tower, far better that than to have the whole of Geneva to yourself with all the time and quiet in the world to visit it".

anything is better than to be alone. cause when you're alone, it's as if you were no longer part of the human race.
OMG, i sound so mature writing something like this...;p

p/s: you have to read it to feel it.

for my next visit, i need to find:
-Eleven minutes
-The Witch of Portobello
-By the River of Piedra I Sat Down and Wept

the time traveler's wife

what it feels like to be in her shoes? to keep waiting. to wait for something unsure. what if he never come back? anything could happen during his travel. anything.
i hate traveler. i hate traveling myself. i hate being parted from someone. i hate away from him. i make myself clear this time. i hate it. cause anything could happen to his heart. anything...;(
and he just away for less than 24 hours.

gifted

i'm actually just finished reading this book. ok, you can laugh at me. i know it took ages for me to finish it. bought it last december. start reading it on january and only finish it may. wow!!! impressive, right? no wonder my english is becoming so dull. i'm busy with...too busy with...i can't stop myself from crying over the ending. as i writing this entry, i'm still crying. seriously. i don't bluff. i'm such a weeper. it ended with death. i don't know whether it is for good or what. but i just can't take it. though he was given such tiny time to spend with his family, it is still not enough for such an egomaniac suer busy guy like Lou Suffern. it so unfair. hey!!! he is ready to change himself to be the better one. why can't the Big Guy up there give him some times to cherish his wife, his children, his family. the storyline is quite boring at the start. who wants to read about such unloyal husband, undevoted son who always think about his work. that's why i keep delaying my read. but everything change on the day he met Gabe. i think Gabe is an angel. it stands for Gabriel. he gives this capsule that can clone you and make you be in two places at the same time. awesome, right? but then everything turn to be so ugly. it ended with Lou involved in car crash. right before he's dead, he ask Jessica to give him the last pill. and she did. at that very moment, Lou just reached home and he non-stoppingly said how much he loves his family when actually he's already gone in that car crash. it's like God gives him that remarkable time just to show his family that at least he loves all of them. what caught my attention is, before he drove home, Gabe ask him to put on his safety belt but he refused. so you, mind You for me please. don't forget to put on your safety belt when you're driving.
moral of the story is, never take people who care for you for granted. you have to 'Appreciating your loved ones, Acknowledging all the special people in your life, Concentrating on what's important'. stop ignoring for the sake of yourself.

i don't have this one...who that kindhearted person wants to give this to me as my precious gift?

can you keep a secret?

call me late or whatever. i just read this book. spending my monday night reading this when i knew very well i'm working on monday. it's totally funny. how can you spill your secret to some stranger? then how you react when that stranger turn out to be your superior at the office? busted. what i love the most is

the whole point about strangers is, they disappear into the ether and you never see them again.
plus, never talk to stranger...

i have a lot of secrets. like real a LOT. most of it are silly and so stupid. i keep things from my parents, my sister and my friends. the biggest things was my little rendezvous. awesome. have to tell mum when the right time comes. seriously. most of my secret are full with guiltiness.
its been a long time since i read good books. never read anything from kinsella except for her famous 'confession of a shopaholic'. but that's only until a friend of mine keep asking me to read the book. he said that book is totally me. fyi, i don't shop using card. i pay cash. so i won't be burden with debt. but now is different story. me no longer buying stuff. i'm start saving now. start thinking about the future. start thinking about owning this and that for the better tomorrow. told you i heart saving...;)

p/s: mister, you were stranger once...but now...
confession: i don't baked that cookies. bought that from tong hing...;)
him: yup, taste so good till i didn't notice somebody passed by.
me: marry me then.

***thinking about owning all of kinsella's collection.
1. the five series of shopaholic.
2. remember me.
3. the undomestic goddess.
and there goes my rm200. but before that, need to finish reading another 5 unread book that i bought.