a better happier st.sebastian

why are you frowning when i'm here with you? you smile better.

yes, you were there with me. but...i don't know how to say this. i usually not the type of girl who always want more from others. but with you, i start to want more. i want you. i want you before. i want you right now. i want you even then. i don't know what is the chances for us to be together. i don't know if you worth to try. i don't even know if you want me for real this time. we have fun. you make me laugh. you actually listen to my mumble almost every weekend. and you spoon me which is rare for a guy to do especially when i'm no one to you. i know i said No before. and right now, i don't know how to say yes to you when i can feel that you gaping yourself. i won't regret the No before. but i will hunt you till you say yes once again.

before he left that last morning together, "you deserve to be happy. that face doesn't suit you". and in that moment i swear, we're deserved to be together.

food for thought

Lagi makan hati berulam jantung. Pahit tapi sedap.

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life is never rainbow and unicorn

imagine someone put you on cloud nine and lift you to seventh heaven. then when you get cozy and all that flower thingy start to bloom, he left. and you're slowly descending. falling. scared to scatter and shatter. once you think you're going to hit the ground, crash and ruin, he catch you and lift you up again. and the cycle goes round and round. no one knows what is the ending. not even you. but you keep going on because you like the pleasure it brings when actually it hurts every part of you.

wake me up when we get to the end part. just make sure it has happy ending.

jaded

i am crying over the loss of something i never had. mourning something that never was. my dashed dreams. dashed hope. and my soured expectation. heart and flowers.

while listening to Transcription by Bach.

green monster

i'm not the type of girl who easily get envy. especially not to that harmless creature. but when people keep giving me the same stare, i start to hate everything about it. it is as if they were pity on me. i don't need their pity. seriously, i'm a grown up. i know how to handle things my way. just leave me alone please.
i'm drowning myself into reading lately. it looks like i didn't pay much attention to my surrounding. but actually i'm observing. it's irony when someone despise you for mingle with your opposite sex buddy and turn out that person is the one who keep doing it. it is so unfair and frustrated. i maybe look tough on the outside. but it wounds me for every laugh and every smile he made. and the saddest part is, all that laugh and all that smile is not for me and not because of me.
i'm trying so hard to change who i was for you. for you. isn't that meaningful enough?

questioned

"You're so beautiful. Why would you hurt yourself?" He asked last night. God!!! I don't have the answer for that kind of question. So i said, "i love him so much, sometimes i couldn't breath thinking i might not be the one for him". I love his smell and the smell of his car. Plus he has this dagu bulat that always look so cute whenever he smiled. I want my baby to have that one later. Never thought i would fall for a guy like this. It hurts so much yet it brings me pleasure by simply waiting for him. The rest, i leave it to Allah to decide which path is the best for me.

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rant

i miss K so much. i know it's wrong. but lately i miss him badly. i gather all my strength to keep him off my mind. i just couldn't. it seems easier to do it at school because i can channel all my thoughts by spending my time starring at H secretly. it sick. i put him in my conversation here and there. i try so hard to remember his smell every time he picked me up from class after his office hour. or to remember his jokes. his smile. his laugh. i just can't forget how he used to make me happy and how happy i used to be. i miss everything. i miss being in a relationship. 4 years alone is too long and sad. sometimes i wonder will i ever be loved again.
i'm not in love with him anymore. i can say it. i'm in love with someone else right now. but things are so hard. i'm torturing myself with something uncertain. and it hurts like hell. i don't know why i keep holding on to it. it may sound stupid but try to put yourself in my shoes. only then you know what fool means.
if only i have a magic to cast a spell on someone. or at least the power of compulsion.

seriously, it's not cool to be alone. imagine going to sleep with no nite and wake up without morning. it sucks. it sucks to know that no one cares about you. it sucks to have no one thinking about you in the wee hours. it sucks to eat alone. it sucks to plan alone. it sucks to spend your weekend alone. it sucks to have no one to share the new book you just read. or the new movie you just watched. it sucks to have no one complain you. it sucks whenever you read funny love quotes and you have no one to share it with. suddenly all the joy and funny feeling turn to despair. it sucks when you cook or eat something good with no one to share it with. it sucks.yeah, it sucks and sad and lonely. i hate it to the deepest. now let's cry together.

the air i breathe

you're a lonely soul
cause you won't let go
of anything you hold.

dirty laundry

i sometimes love to wear the only K's shirt that i owned. it gives me some kind of indescribable feeling whenever i wear it. feels like home. i love the fresh smell especially when i just took it out from my drawer. it reminds me of his smell. he always has this fresh laundry smell when we hang out at home. that's the reason why i never change my detergent. i want to keep that smell in my memory. it reminds me of before. it reminds me what it feels like to be in a relationship with human being. something that i tend to forget how lately.

things are getting worse between orca and me. i maybe look like the happiest one at my work place. i laugh like i'm having the most awesome life. i smile 'like' sincerely. but once i'm with orca, different things happen. i start making love with him. riding him fast. being a maniac. being a moron. a jerk to him. i love to listen to music loudly. singing like no one can hear me. duh...literally. who can hear me sing in my car.

why do i feel this way? like i have the world on my shoulder and i don't know how to get rid of it. i haven't cried for quite some time. i slowly torn inside.

when can K become H?

or

when can H become mr.H?

i was on the verge to miss you

i patiently waited for something to replace my dark

i got out of my bed cause i couldn't sleep

i took my car

it's beautiful moonlit on the road tonight

i've got no one here by my side

i used to walk under these lights with you

and even if you left a long time ago

i miss you so

and it's hard to tell

if you'll ever come again

and it's hard to tell

if you felt this for someone else

and it's hard to tell

if you want to remember this

i've always known i was never your muse

you never looked at me the way i look at you

and you always say that you love me more

but you never show it to me before

and it's hard to tell if you want to remember this

it's hard cause you don't come around anymore

i hope you find whatever is you looking for

i hope you miss the streets like i do

cause this is what left of me and you

super tired of being weightless.

i can no longer hold the lonesome

after what happened between KA and me a few years ago, i find hard for myself to be in love again. i thought i can't let myself drown into the idea of having someone occupying my universe. it is really hard actually. especially if you're living in my surrounding where people expect you to live your life the normal way. i mean, a girl should be out dating a guy her heart desire. moreover for someone like me. according to them (who didn't know me that well), i'm a successful girl with a bright future and good looking with a pleasant attitude. according to them cause this is what i used to hear every time i'm engaged in any family event. "cantik, cikgu english lagi, tak pandai keluar rumah". they don't know that people like them is the real reason i'm avoiding myself to mingle. i hate with all the questions that i don't have any answer to please them.

i'm going to be 27 this year. to me age is just a number. but my body clock is ticking. i'm not going to bored you with all the details i have every time i face the mirror. the complain is always killing me. but deep inside my body, my womb, my ovaries, my uterus, the unfertilised eggs that were expelled every month, what about them? they were busy marking every passing second of my life. this is the biggest problem. every night i dream of a warm embrace from a guy i longed to put a seed inside of me so it will grow to be infant in my belly. every time i see a caring husband with her pregnant wife, i feel like want to hug the girl telling how lucky she is to have the most precious gift in her life. i know my time will come eventually. but when?

yesterday i went out with babby and leon. we talked about everything. leon pop up a question to me about getting married cause she's going to tie the knot real soon. insyaAllah. suddenly i can no longer hold myself. i almost burst into tears but i control it knowing that we're in a restaurant that time. but i can't help myself to meroyan. i usually meditated myself in my room chanting "mau kawin, mau kawin, mau kawin". but yesterday out of the blue i did it in front of them. they seem surprised and asked me to stop. but i can't hold myself. i keep on chanting it but this time with his name at the end of the sentences. i can feel the warm crystal in my eyes. and i can see the pity on their faces. but i don't need the pity. i just need them to know that i myself wants to get married to. it's just a matter of time or in my case, it's just a matter of time, my heart and him.

i've been in love with the same guy for as long as i could remember. i've always have this kind of question : why him? when will i ever stop waiting for him? aren't the waiting itself is hurt enough? i'll wait for him. i don't know until when. but if we're not fated to be together, never mind. for the time being let me enjoy watching him watching me. let me enjoy the secret glance, secret smile. the waiting is hurt more when you keep urging me with the same question over and over again. it's not me who wants this. it's not even my fault for having this stubborn heart. i am someone like this. i set myself into something, i can never unset it to something else. just like the previous relationship. someone knock my door and i let him enter. he remained there until he grew tired and find a new playmate. left me broken hearted. reminds me of an email i received from a guy friend few weeks ago. "a girl like you will always like the hard way when it comes to love. it's because you don't wait for Mr.Right to be right, but you wait the right one to be your Mr.Right". and i know he's one of the person in the list that i turn down for this past few years. i'm sorry.

to you,

i'll wait for you. i wait for some amount of time. i'm just sitting there waiting. you know where to find me. don't feel pressure. i'm not putting any on you. it's your heart. doesn't matter how much i love you. knock my door when you completely ready. when your heart really empty. when it's really clean from the past. cause just like i don't want to force myself for someone else, i don't want you to force yourself for me. i've seen the tortured. i've watched the abused. i don't want to sing the same song my friends sang. i want our song to be the love song. that's all i ask.

it kills the soul once you said it's over

it's raining outside since morning. it's been raining since i was here 3 days ago. i'm not a big fan of humid. cold always freaks me out. i love sunny day. it helps me sleep at noon. it helps me sleep now. in this rainy days. but it doesn't give me the rest i need. i'm not satisfied every time i woke up. i'm not full. i'm still hungry from the sleep. i'm starving for another sleep. i don't sweat. that's why. i hate not be able to make my bed cause i spent so much time on it. i only wake up to eat, bath and solat. i'm glued to the bed. i'm sick of it. can't go out. it makes me thinking. hate it even more. i'm supposed to be happy but i'm not. too many things i have in mind lately.

i changed every password i have. phone, google account, facebook account, cimbclicks account. i try to run as far as i can from him. too bad. when i'm alone, i always think "sudah kahwin ka dia?" or things like "is he happy?" or "does she love him the way i did?".

i hate January. his birthday and our anniversary. just great!!!

andai

andai tiba waktu itu,

aku mohon di persiap kan diri ku,

di beri aku kekuatan untuk mengahadapi nya,

dan di permudah kan penyelesaian nya.

opt

there are two options here:

1. get married and be happy.

2. transfer. (at least i don't have to suffer when fate is not written between us)

tidak best

me: do you believe in marriage?

he: off course. why?

me: as an institution or as a symbol of love?

he: both. in the name of God.

too bad. i'm not. now. i've been thinking about it lately. and i want to give myself a chance. perhaps there are secret wonder behind matrimony. so i thought, why not. let's give it a try. open up my heart. yes. i did open my heart for these pass five days. i wake up everyday with a smile on my face. thinking about giving someone a chance. whoever he could be. i'm happy. i thought i was. but i'm not. this morning, budak kecik told me something. and just like that, i changed back to what i was. there's nothing behind marriage but a mess and all the things i have in mind lately only happen to our parents.

just when i thought my heart is ready for it, something prove me wrong.

just when i thought there something between us, you prove me wrong. again.

i'd love to

I'd love to kill you with a kiss

I'd like to strike you down with bliss

I'd like to tie you up in knots

Until your heart stops

I'd love to kill you with a glance

I'd like to put you in a trance

I'd like to drug you with my scent

And use you in the moment, ooh

I'd love to kill you as you eat

The pleasure would taste so sweet

I'd like to open up your skin

And wander there within

I'd love to kill you by a stream

Where no one can hear my baby scream

And then I'd run away and be free

The sweetest victory, ooh

I love to watch you in your sleep

'Cause you don't have power over me

And when you're awake I'm undone

Under you spell in hell

if the mask start to fit you, don't wear it

lately.

i've read a lot about marriage and stuff like that.

still.

hati batu.

p/s: tunggu kau stop minta duit from parents, baru kita fikir benda itu.

i decorate my room just in case you show up

i am single. for the time being.

if. i say IF.

if an ex out of the blue emerged with a diamond in a blue box, i would say yes.

why?

at least he knows me and i know him. we knew each other very well.

silly. i know.

bitter.

not waiting for him.

but my preferable. what i always want in life.

something/someone familiar to me.

just like if a close friend ask my hand for matrimony, i would say yes as well.

to me it's way better than to have to know new people.

the sex, the lust, the charm, it will come later.

and the L word, a close friend, what do you expect? it always there.

the spark? i always start a flame without it. so what's the point of having it?

and yeah, a close friend is someone who knows you like you knew yourself.

the least is he can share the favourite poem with a cup of jasmine green tea and a jazz music when life start to treat you cruel.

p/s: kangaroo or kiwi? i always prefer kiwi though koala sitting next to kangaroo. get it? preferable is a priority to someone like me.

till death do us apart

a single tear is enough for a tale like this.

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.

She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.

When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.

She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside
the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy.

I drove to office…. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.

Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.
My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.— At least, in the eyes of our son—- I’m a loving husband….

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

By Stephanie Halmilton

UNSOLVED PROBLEM

1. WORK

i wonder when will i ever stop worrying about work. i know i seldom bring my work back at home. i usually settle everything up at school. i never bring students' exercise book at home. i will make time to check their work at school. i finish my lesson plan. people thought i have nothing to do at home other than watching movie, reading and sleeping as i always say. but actually i still think about work when i'm home. i'm teaching 5 form 3 classes. their future is in my hand. if they failed their English, i'm the one to be blame by Mr. Principal. it scare the hell out of me. what am i supposed to do? PMR is just around the corner and i know my students are not ready for it. i've been trying so hard preparing everything for them. drills, exercise, tests. still it leads nowhere. i'm going to be a dead meat. burn alive by the principal and the admin...;(

2. FINANCE

after almost 2 years of working, i still don't know how to manage my monthly expenses. i always over budgeting myself in everything. still can't live without daddy's money. daddy usually will give me 200-300 a month as a pocket money. that's not included my fuel and any expenses when i'm home in tawau. i have no saving. and what worse, i don't even know where the money gone. for God sake, they don't even have shopping mall here in sandakan. i guess i spent more in food and beverages. no wonder i'm such a fat cow. how am i suppose to solve this? i need a financial manager!!!

3. FEELING

huuuuuuhhhhhhhhh...a very big sigh. i hate how i feel right now. it's like there's a burden inside of me that i have to let go but i just don't know how. emotionally unstable. i just need someone to talk to, someone who can understand me. but i know once i meet this person, i wont talk. not even a single words. cause that's what i am. reserved. so just forget it.

i do flirt, a lot. but i never let things go beyond words. i will only go for someone i really like and i don't get one just for fun. i will wait for the one guy that is potentially the be all and end all.

God, help!!! mati.