menghapus jejak mu

call me stupid or whatever that you think suits me but i stop running knowing that my ex is also a running freak since last year.

be grateful

1. i wish that my hair stop growing so i don't have to shave frequently. please bless me with clean supple leg.
2. i wish that my legs are 4 inches longer than now so i can rock my skinny jeans more.
3. i wish i can download new clothes illegally from the internet because i'm so fed up with everything in my closet right now. sadly to say i can't afford to buy a new one.
4. i wish i can wear anything i want to my office instead of baju kurung. why can't i wear pants to school???
5. i wish i can quit my job and do something less stress than this career.

i wish.

leather

it is almost the same as in buying a dress. you want the specific dress that you've been eyeing for some time but end up with different one. not because you can't afford the one you want. but it's because you've spent too much time eyeing it you grew bored of it. not really that bored. maybe because it just stick there without even trying to attract you after so long. so when they put the new arrival item with 10% discount from the same favourite store of yours, off course the decision has been made. now you're going out wearing a new dress, looking gorgeous as usual and feel ecstatic. but then, when you eyed the one that still hang there in the mannequin, you just realize you have made the wrong choice. bam!!! ngerti???

you know what i find therapeutic? no. not shopping. shaving. i love to shave myself in the bathroom and do some thinking while waiting for the cream to take action. i don't know why but i find this act very soothing and stress relieved. i love the feeling after that whenever i touch my skin it so supple it reminds me of new born baby. i usually shave my legs only but for what i have in mind lately have forced me to shave my whole body. right now i don't know what am i going to shave when i come back from the office after seeing him wearing that brown leather shoes.

kill me.

little that i know

i don't know why suddenly i feel hatred of this place. i hate being here so much i want to put revolver in my mouth then pull the trigger. i'm not in the mood to work since the beginning of the year. little that i know that this feeling never get rid of me even until today. it's april now but i still feel the same. i'm so stress. tortured, suffocated with the surrounding. i despise everything. i cursed everytime i enter the class. i don't prepare my lesson until 5 minutes before it. i am so demotivated by every single thing about school. this is so fucked up. i shouldn't feel like this. this isn't me. i used to love this teaching career. i missed that feeling. i missed staying up late just to prepare a new module to teach my kids. i missed wondering around in book store finding new material for them. and now all i can think is school holiday. a very long vacation where i don't have to iron my clothes. where i don't have to think what to wear tomorrow. where i don't have to wake up early every morning. wait, i am a morning person. okay then. where i can wear a boxer and some tank or baby-t without even care to put my bra on. where i don't have to worry about every single thing. where i don't have to deal with young people. where i am actually away from this tormented place. i feel stranded and alone here. 

gosh, i miss K so much i started to use our picture as my phone wallpaper.

inferno

we read to know that we are alone.

and sometimes like the song said, alone does not mean lonely. but right now, i don't even know what is the different. i am so not myself lately yet i feel like i used to be this person. it's just coming back to haunt me. weird. haunted by your own self. and locked.

i think i need Kindle, or iPad, or perhaps just a nice brand new glasses. and lock myself into my red room of pain.

the hard one

i'm trying so hard to control everything that happened around me. i tried to control my emotion. i tried to control the consequences of my action. of every decision i made. i'm not waiting for the person anymore. i'm done. though i have no idea what my future looks like right now, one thing for sure, he is not in it. not even you. i'm tired torn between two guys who loved me so much and whom i loved so much. it just got me no where. in the end i will never choose any of them. cause i know i can't be with the one who wanted me. let alone be the one with whom i wanted. everything went wrong. nothing easy. i hummed Sunday Morning by Maroon 5 every fucking single morning in shower and while driving to work. i tried to pull myself back together. to try to love what i used to enjoy doing but it seems so impossible. deep inside me, i feel empty. i'm just a piece of meat and some saturated fat that i worked hard to get rid off. i'm soulless.

a friend once said that it is not other people who have problem. it is me. because i will never like something which run smoothly from the beginning. i prefer thing that isn't meant for me. it excites me because i knew from the beginning it's never going to work. i'm a commitment freak. i have a problem to commit myself into something real. something serious. i refused to tolerance and sacrifice myself for the sake of something beautiful. the truth is i'm not ready. and i will never be ready. cause what i've been seeking all my life is not real. it is just some illustration i put in my mind hoping that it will be real one fine day. i'm looking for someone exactly like me. i'm actually in love with  myself so much i expect to fall for someone like me. and the chances for it to happen is almost zero. not in a million years.

vacant

have you ever felt so empty inside until you don't even know what to ask from God in your prayer?
it's weird. the feeling is so indescribable. like you are not part of human being. that's how i feel lately. somehow it brings smile on my face. the real smile. finally to be free from things that tying you for years and years of living. it's like a huge burden being lift up from your shoulder and you can breath easily. but when you look from the other side, you'll be surprised how ugly it is actually.

perhaps i should ask for curl hair and white shirt.

jaded

i am crying over the loss of something i never had. mourning something that never was. my dashed dreams. dashed hope. and my soured expectation. heart and flowers.

while listening to Transcription by Bach.

fair enough?

eye bag sucks!!!
wrinkle sucks!!!
gravity sucks!!!
mood swing sucks!!!
hormonal sucks!!!
PMS sucks!!!

the fact that men are getting more handsome and sexier as they're ageing, totally sucks!!!

hormonal

lately mood macam gampang. mudah marah sebab benda bodoh. benda kecil yang tak logic pun boleh jadi punca naik angin. bukan baru sangat. since last week. hilang focus time driving. hilang focus bekerja. jadi benci dengan tempat kerja. jadi kurang senang dengan orang-orang di tempat kerja. rasa macam mau pulang rumah dan kurung diri di bilik.
so today i called my sister to have some talk. the first question that came out from her mouth: "kenapa? kau mau kawin? too bad, bini G pregnant sudah". i laughed then said: "ya. mau kawin. tapi dengan H". then we talked and talked and talked. like we were sitting next to each other. then she asked: "kenapa juga mau tunggu?" ah, rasa macam tertikam tiap kali orang soal begitu. tiada jawapan. sebab hati rasa begitu. dia bilang saya tidak lagi muda untuk ikut main tarik tali. then she said, "sudah-sudah la tu jadi lone ranger. jangan telampau sensitive. think less. don't read too much. hairan aku kau membesar jadi begini". saya bilang, "memang juga dari dulu begini kan. cuma lately semua yang negative tu getting worse". saya terkedu bila dia jawab, "just because it is, doesn't mean to be like that ba. susah mau di atur kau ni. bagus lagi dulu-dulu". then i said, "ba battery kong sudah ni. nanti la call balik malam-malam sikit".

tengah baca The Lucky One by Nicholas Spark. hari ni H handsome gila babbas.
bila masa dia tidak handsome di mata saya?

tiang

"isteri adalah tiang seri rumah.
kalau berseri isteri itu, maka berseri la rumah."

untuk buat tiang seri rumah, saya prefer kayu malam atau juga merbau.
supaya bila di tinggal lama, pasti akan memecah kaca rumah.
persis saya.
deep.

i can let you love me foolishly, love me foolish-like.

needs

i need a new space to write where i can sincerely write from my heart without having a second thought that there are some people who will be offended with what i have written.
i need to move on. or perhaps to move backward. i just want to move cause right now i feel like i'm frozen. i'm going nowhere. i'm stuck in this tormented moment. living in denial. living in lies.
i need someone to slap me hard on my face so i can wake up from this dreamy land. from this so-called comfort zone where nothing is actually comforting.

i'm not okay. i'm not.

it doesn't bring any pleasure to this guilt

i easily feel guilty over something.

but it's just a feeling that i have since forever.

guilty doesn't make me a better person who will try so hard to run away from it.

i wont try to fix it or whatever.

i feel guilty a lot lately.

i feel guilty for not going home this school hols.

i just love my house so much i couldn't bring myself to leave it.

i feel guilty to my body for not eating healthily and letting my mind not working properly.

i feel guilty to everyone for not giving them attention they deserved.

i feel guilty to myself for keeping things and stop expressing the way i used to do.

i feel guilty to my heart for torturing it so much i couldn't breath sometimes.

mostly, i feel guilty to the Almighty for not waking up immediately every time i hear the Subuh call.

what hurt the most is i never take an effort to fix all of this guilt. i just remain my stupid emotionless self who keep pretending everyday that everything is going to be okay in the end. honestly, i feel like a loser sometimes. like a moron who doesn't deserved to get the best thing in life. like a jackass who is not worth a single penny. i miss me. i miss the real me who keep hiding behind this jerk with her attitudinal problem. grow up, zila!!! in the end it's going to be you alone against the world.

p/s: i've been spending my days here peeping through my window to see that handsome jeep of my neighbour. i don't know who's the owner. all i care is how macho that red jeep parking there smiling at me with his perfect teeth and thin lips. it's not actually a Jeep jeep. it is an old Land Drover that we called jeep. i always dream to drive one of its kind. perhaps one day i'll spend all my saving to buy that lil thingy and modify it as my heart desire. yeah, it's free to dream.

madness

i don't know what's with me lately. i tend to have different idea about things. i have a slip of tongue here and there and i don't know where my mind brought me most of the time.

for instance, i actually want to say "gali parit" but it turned out "gali kubur".

and few days ago when budak kecik and me torn between want to cook ayam masak kicap or ayam masak merah, she asked me why i love ayam masak kicap so much. i don't really have the answer so i said "arwah Khairul dulu pun suka" when i'm trying to say "khairul dulu pun suka ayam masak kicap". i didn't mean anything. but at that moment i thought he no longer in my life and that makes he no longer exist. so the "arwah" words just slip from my mouth. i feel terrible after that. i didn't mean that way. i'm not trying to curse him nor praying for bad things happen to him. i'm not that cruel.

you know that i'm good in making people invisible in front of me. lately i've done it too often. to a lot of people. to a lot of phone call. i heard my phone ringing and i know who's the caller. and i purposely did not pick it up. it's wrong. it's bad. it's too much. what if they called for something important? i might miss it.

i've been listening to the same song while driving. it's actually nothing. i just accidentally hit the "come around soon" by sara bareilles and i'm too lazy to change it. i didn't realize i have listen to it for a week now until i can memorised the lines. people said that your music define who you are. i guess i'm waiting for him to come around soon every time i hear the song. Lord, i just love waiting.

i washed my hair today after didn't wash it since monday. thank God i have this silky hair who never give me smell problem. it always smell the same no matter how long i did not wash it. i feel so blessed. it's getting longer and i like it but it didn't give me enough reason to brush it everyday like normal people. i only brush it whenever i want to feel princess like.

i'm having movie marathon since thursday. i watched a lot of crappy love story from Bridesmaids to When in Rome. now my mind full with this shitty idea about love. i just wish i have someone to share it with. not to share the lovey dovey part but more to discuss the idea of love. how sometimes people being insensible towards it. or i just want to know what is his idea of love. because to me love is when you sit together doing nothing, starring into each other eyes but still feel happy. i lied. that's not my idea of love. to me, love is holding hands in bed and lie still. yeah i lied again. love is starring at him without his aware. love is when you enjoy his smell and his present. love is when you smile whenever you see him smile. love is when you eavesdropping when he's teaching at the next door class. love is when you have "kids, cute alert" moment. love is when you're in love with the same person with no progress for a long time. love is when you turn down better guys for one person. love is madness and i'm the loco. love is stupid and i'm the idiot. love is torture and i'm the hurt one.

life, please don't be so cruel to me

suddenly i start to worry about everything.

first, budak kecik going to get married. that means she's going to apply for transfer. then she's going to transfer to kK. i don't know when but eventually she will.

esan try to be sweet and all that by not forcing her to apply for transfer this April. he's giving a chance for budak kecik to stay with me for another moment. no, actually because he feel so pity for me cause i have no one here. but still it is the nicest thing from a new friend. thanks esan! you're the best..;p

i have a lot of things to worry when she's not around anymore. first and foremost, who's going to prepare breakfast on the weekend? i'm going to wake up hungry..;(

then who's going to prepare dinner? looks like i'm going to have pasta for the rest of my life for dinner. i'm going to be fat...;(

who's going to remind me about school stuff? die..;(

who's going to help me manage my finance? daddy, don't leave me. not now when i still need your wallet to be my backup...;(

who's going to stop me from stuffing my mouth with everything. oh shitty. i'm going to be fat and fugly...;(

who's going to listen to my rant? who's going to be my crying shoulder? who's going to listen to my complain? who's going to say 'you can do this, you can't do that'? who's going to take care of me when i'm sick? who's going to nag me about my attitude? who's going to be my mummy here? who's going to call me stupid whenever i become a total jerk? ;(

oh...i still need budak kecik in my life.

i don't really know where this post is going really.

oh shitty.

stop cursing, zila. mind your language.

rant

one of the best therapy when you stuck at such outback place like bukit garam is going to fung ming, buy junky and eat it in your car while driving alone roaming places.

it's even a bonus when you bump into a cute guy driving his daddy's car and then you realize he is one of the students at school who's now growing up and turn into some kind of yummy brownies. and when he honk you, you suddenly coy and wave him and give your best smile ever. i am a sweet girl and i love to flirt. hehe.

and when people trying to say things like 'life will get better. everything is going to be okay'. you just smile at them and you may curse them silently cause you know pretty well that they are just a bunch of liar who think they can make you feel good about your life when they know nothing about life cause they just so damn lucky to have those who love them.

i sometimes feel like i've been cheated by the Big Guy up there. astaghfirullahalazim. seriously, i'm tired of everything. my life is a mess and i'm a deep shit. i keep avoiding phone call from everyone. i shouldn't have own phone in the first place.

now now, go take your wudhuk and recite the Holy Quran and try to comprehend the meaning and digest it into your beautiful mind. now that i have my Tafsir with english translation, i love it even more. may it brings Barakah to me.

i wish i'm that thin little girl with a very lean arms, flat tummy and small bosom. with 32B and xs shirt, size 2 pants. life would be totally different. seriously, it will be different.

beli

sunyi berabis ni...;(

boleh ka kasi burn rm678 ticket?

seriously, not really in the mood to go out of Borneo.

sudah masuk 3 tahun rasa begini.

bila mau berubah jadi saya yang dulu?

saya sendiri rindu itu.

when i laugh, i laugh my heart out.

when i smile, i smile sincerely.

sekarang itu dalam mimpi ja.

yang pasti, part nangis tu confirm selalu dari hati.

dan lately banyak pula tangis nya.

mana mau beli diri?