specky

i finally got myself a glasses for my reading and night driving. then i sent a picture of me in glasses to him. i expected he will comment that i look smarter and more mature with my serious teacher look. instead of that,
he: i like specky you, rabbit. look very kinky.
me: WTF!!!
he: why?
me: not really something i want to hear. i expect something positive and decent.
he: what more decent to describe your Prof look than kinky?

this guy is totally impossible.

resemble

tall pretty mummy+ handsome short daddy+ cute baby

can life be any blessed than this?

p/s: kalau tidak esok, mungkin lusa la ni period.

si pungguk yang rindu kan bulan

keep praying. keep loving. keep hoping. keep waiting.

sakit. tapi asyik.

embrace what the mother nature gives you

bought a new bra. it reminds me of the girl in The Devil Wears Prada. remember the girl who get ready for work at the starting? it is something like that. sexy and comfortable for work. who care what i wear inside? i care. to me bra is an essential things that we need to take care of. it supposed to give you fully support and boost up your confident level.

i have women talk with the girls last friday. we talked so many things. from books to movies to Edward to beauty regime. it's hard to be a girl. i'm not complaining. it's just there's so many things that we need to take care of. the skin, you have to keep it moisture and fresh. then need to prevent the wrinkle from coming. have to tone the abs. make sure the arms and feet stay lean. maintain the weight. the most important thing is to keep the boobs and booty firm. it's the hardest part. it is really nice to see a healthy bouncing bosom. but it takes a lot to keep it bounce in the right way. and the booty, make sure it stay firm until you have 3 kids. how? work out. move that lazy ass. eat right way. don't forget the supplement. do your own massage in the bathroom. scrub thrice a week. treat yourself like a princess. that's what i do..;)

it's really hard when you have body like mine. i easily gain and loss weight. if i'm not taking care of it, i'll end up look like a monster with a flabby belly. the weirdest part right now is i lost weight but my breast screaming for cup resizing..^^"

i won't say i'm on diet right now. i decided to do my body. muscle up certain part. tone here and there. i actually craving for Bella's body. according to budak kecik, after i skinny up my body, i should learn to do the expressionless look like Kristen Stewart in Twilight and trying not to smile a lot. smile only to him. start being goofy. i shall do that. hehe.

p/s: it really nice to finally have someone who you can discuss a new novel with. jump with happiness!!!

i just can't stop thinking about Edward in breaking dawn when he wear boxer during the honeymoon. top it with his grunt that sounds like sexual moan. yummy!!!

hope and faith

kak lin told babby and eyon in one of their late night conversation about lady-hood. "don't worry. my sister will get married next year."

she seems positive about it. why not me? she knows better. she always know.

i'm not going to put any hope on this. i just keep praying and waiting and hoping a little maybe. as long as i don't put higher expectation. i don't care about all that. i just wish a year from now, picturing myself, pregnant with happiness. only this time with a baby. for real.

Ya Allah, please grant my wish. bella pronto.

i need a sperm donor

i promise i won't see baby's picture.

i promise i won't spend more time with my pregnant bestie.

i promise i won't go to baby's section in mall.

i promise i won't get nearer to any baby or toddler.

i promise i will control myself.

i want a baby. i want a baby. i want a baby. i want to have someone who call me mummy.

someone please marry me pronto!!!

comel

saya ibarat gajah.

penyimpan yang hebat.

a keeper i must say.

saya pendam. saya simpan.

saya suka makan hati tapi tidak juga kurus-kurus.

saya suka tunggu lama-lama.

saya suka perhati diam-diam.

buat assumption negative tentang diri sendiri.

saya comel.

bosom

i've changed my bra size cause now it's so fresh, full and creamy.

tidak cute langsung

soemone: it's hard to ignore you in public. you're such an eye catcher.

me: wattafuck!!! geli, tau!!!

someone: betul. cute.

me: part mana?

someone: part yang you teda perasaan stick dengan your papa, nda peduli orang lain.

me: itu pun kau boleh notice?

love blooms, magic happen

as if.

i am.

1. a reckless driver.

2. i love spending my time alone.

3. trying so hard to avoid the crowd.

4. i have a very weird crush on books. especially inspired story from middle east.

5. i want to have an iPod touch since the day i lost my nano but until right now can't afford to have one.

6. been trying so hard to ask less money from dad and give more to him.

7. jiwang. sort of muka ganas dalam hati ada taman kind of person.

8. been writing my first English poem when i was 12 and still keeping it in my secret place.

9. touched easily.

10. emotionally retarded.

11. today i confess my devotion to you, tomorrow i forget your name.

12. i pretend that i listen to something like the Fray and the Stroke when actually i'm crying listen to gardot and jones music.

13. i like noryn aziz.

14. i love my job. i love my job. i so fuckingly love my job. at least, school is a place where i can have someone to yell when PMS strucks me.

15. i love my kids. the drama team. the matahari. and my anggerik troupe of monkeys.

16. 'if the stars were mine' is my favourite song. i don't mind to be someone who please her love one though everyone knows that i'm not that kind of person.

17. i like to listen to some random song again and again just to listen to my favourite verse.

18. i cry whenever i watch sad movie. in fact, i'm a weeper.

19. can't live a day without jasmine green tea. i feel weak.

20. sometimes, i like to pretend to be a bimbo just to get other people to do some task for me. bad, nay?

21. i feel like i want to show my middle finger whenever a question like 'when will you get married?' occurred. it's like you asking someone 'when are you going to die?'

22. i ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS have a thing with a language person. especially a malay guy with some weird foreign accent. and an enormous gigantic list of vocab. always success to turn me on. and it's a bonus if he can write very well.

23. i wish to have a mini library at home one day. big dream. i know.

24. the most important thing is, i'm a daddy's girl.

yeah, right.

26

it's just a number. not more than that.

hijrah?

bila-bila masa pun boleh.

=)

SELAMAT BERTUAAN ZILA MARSDEN.

a start

there's a thing i've been keeping for quite some time. i need to burst it out. i just don't know where i'm supposed to start.

thoughts

i'm good in memorising.

i remember people face.

i remember their clothes.

i remember their name.

i remember their story.

and mostly i remember their smells.

budak kecik= floral and womanly

ah moi= soft and feminine

minachi= pooja karu

penyanyi= too strong

pingu= musk with a little nicotine

barney= nice one...in fact, my favourite of all

big bird= pricey...and individuality

sang sir= still...turn on is the right word

babe= missing, slightly longing and yearning for more

the thing is, will they remember me the way i remember them?

routine

it's okay to cook every night

as long as i'm not washing the dish

;)

preterm

i hate when i'm sick and tell my mum about it, and she asked what i have done this time and i said i jogged yesterday and she answered me something like- 'you know you were born premature, why on earth you tiring yourself with things like that? and now you're getting sick and we're not there. who's going to take care of you? bla...bla...bla...mum!!!

two=crowded

me, my dad and mum, we're always have this talk whenever i'm home for a holiday. they just curious why suddenly i changed for this past few years. i rarely go out like i used to do. i know that i'm getting bored. and i don't have any life except bukit garam-work-tawau-holiday. i just don't have the heart for anything. i'm losing my touch since the moment i reach bukit garam. it's not that outback. but that place changed me for who i am right now. i becoming more reserved. less-talkative. i don't mingle with my circle anymore. every time people ask me to go out, i always turn them down with so many excuse when in fact i'm just too lazy to move my butt off my mum's bed. my eyes stick to the tv when i'm in tawau. i cannot stand crowd. and what worse, i start to feel uncomfortable every time all my family gather at our place. i feel like want to go home, i mean to bukit garam right at that moment. and dad can sense it. like few nights ago, my sister and my brothers were having barbecue at our yard. i just don't feel like to mingle so i decided to sleep early. it's because i just don't have the heart. i'm kind of used to be alone. i love my solidarity. i love how me and fizzy spend our time on our own at our house in bukit garam. she's doing her things in her room while i'm doing mine. i prefer something like that.

see...that's how i feel about my family. let alone someone else. one of my brother try to talk to me this evening about my attitude. it really pissed me off. i don't know why. i know he meant for good. i said nothing. i'm getting worse than ever. this is not what i want in life. i know everyone miss the cute me. the charming me. the cuddly me who always have a stupid joke with my brothers. i lost the laugh. i lost the smile. and i know they know it. i'm sorry. i should not. i know how you guys miss your baby sis. just give me some time to enjoy the loneliness.

and to my close friends, sorry for the turn down invitation.

p/s: i think i'm having a problem.

super duper confession

i've been spending the whole day reading back all the things i wrote here since the first entry post. i'm good with language. blog is my playground. it's my therapy. i wrote every shit i want. i ramble. a lot. i have one thing to say though it is so hard for me to admit it. but here i am. proudly to say that:

i am jiwang.

unbelievable? check this entry. so cheesy...uwwekkk!!!

min puj

student: cantik nya kuku teacher.

me : ada ka lagi benda lain yang kamu mau puji?

and my morning always start with "Morning Miss Beautiful" by a handsome form 6 student, Russel...;)

brownies

i just have to say this ya'll...

my oh my, Tahashshunan is so handsome...and charming too...and gorgeous...

i wonder if that boy smell nicely. am i allowed to smell a teenage boy in front of his friends?

p/s: i'm in love with Josh Rouse...kau kenal ka sepa dia?

home coming queen

i don't know this girl but lately i spent my time reading her blog. it excites me in a weird way. all she talks about was her day at school and her boyfriend. i feel like i want to steal the boyfriend from her. it's not like she posted his picture or whatever to make me in love with that guy. the way she described him. the attitude. the silliness. the funniness in him makes me want him more and more. he so stupid but she is one damn lucky girl to have someone like him.

it is so unfair for me when others start doing wrong things but never get caught by the highest because no one care to report about it. and when i'm the one who did it, i'm sure the next thing you know, i'll be in the Principal's room answering every single question. i'm not complaining or whatever. it's just please open your eyes. see what you supposed to see. not seeing what do you want to see. for example, i noticed this particular girl likes to wear kurung moden. the one that hugging your body tightly. but no one is complaining about her. NO ONE. and it remind me when i'm still new here, i used to wear that kind of kurung (i still wear it until right now though) i've been called to the superior's room. so i told a guy friend about this. he said something stupid that makes me want to slap him but i just couldn't because he did make a point. he said that girl did not bother anyone at all as she's having not-so-curvy body. and according to him, when i'm the one who wear something like that, every penis in the school will be distracted by me. i was like whattafish are you talking about? she's a girl and i'm a girl. so what's the different? and he said try to see it in a boy's eyes. well, i could not blame you neither blaming me. it's a gift. haha...

it's not like i love to minta puji or whatever. but every day is like a home coming season and i'm the home coming queen. i used to tell him that i'm their home coming queen and guess what i've got? a smirk. i know he could not agree more with the students...;p i'm bumping to a students almost every day at school and it is never a day i missed such a compliment saying how i look pretty today. how good my baju kurung is. how i should wearing kurung cotton every day cause it looks cute on me. how glowing i am. i'm flattered. i do. but the problem is, i'm kind of shy whenever they said good things in front of others. yes. it is indeed the truth. i'm a shy cat. you can't just go and say good things to me in front of the others. i'll get tongue tied and blushing. but it is never a wrong things to dress up. i always make sure that my clothes are pressed and look neat and tidy. it is a nice thing to know that such tiny things like looking good can make a difference. i am not a person who like to spend hours getting ready to school. i always late because i have problem in time management in shower. i am a rather simple person who keeps accesorizing minimal. i don't wear heavy make up. not even a foundation or blusher. i'm just using Loreal White Perfect with Silky White Magic Face Powder. a lipstick and eyeliner. well, that's me. it still nice to see all the students excited. i'm used to the younger ones telling me i look pretty cause they like to say nice things. but the older ones are a little bit reserved especially the upper six. so when they gave that kind of unexpected response, it's not really surprised me...;p but it do made me feel so very happy...;)