jaded

i am crying over the loss of something i never had. mourning something that never was. my dashed dreams. dashed hope. and my soured expectation. heart and flowers.

while listening to Transcription by Bach.

i can no longer hold the lonesome

after what happened between KA and me a few years ago, i find hard for myself to be in love again. i thought i can't let myself drown into the idea of having someone occupying my universe. it is really hard actually. especially if you're living in my surrounding where people expect you to live your life the normal way. i mean, a girl should be out dating a guy her heart desire. moreover for someone like me. according to them (who didn't know me that well), i'm a successful girl with a bright future and good looking with a pleasant attitude. according to them cause this is what i used to hear every time i'm engaged in any family event. "cantik, cikgu english lagi, tak pandai keluar rumah". they don't know that people like them is the real reason i'm avoiding myself to mingle. i hate with all the questions that i don't have any answer to please them.

i'm going to be 27 this year. to me age is just a number. but my body clock is ticking. i'm not going to bored you with all the details i have every time i face the mirror. the complain is always killing me. but deep inside my body, my womb, my ovaries, my uterus, the unfertilised eggs that were expelled every month, what about them? they were busy marking every passing second of my life. this is the biggest problem. every night i dream of a warm embrace from a guy i longed to put a seed inside of me so it will grow to be infant in my belly. every time i see a caring husband with her pregnant wife, i feel like want to hug the girl telling how lucky she is to have the most precious gift in her life. i know my time will come eventually. but when?

yesterday i went out with babby and leon. we talked about everything. leon pop up a question to me about getting married cause she's going to tie the knot real soon. insyaAllah. suddenly i can no longer hold myself. i almost burst into tears but i control it knowing that we're in a restaurant that time. but i can't help myself to meroyan. i usually meditated myself in my room chanting "mau kawin, mau kawin, mau kawin". but yesterday out of the blue i did it in front of them. they seem surprised and asked me to stop. but i can't hold myself. i keep on chanting it but this time with his name at the end of the sentences. i can feel the warm crystal in my eyes. and i can see the pity on their faces. but i don't need the pity. i just need them to know that i myself wants to get married to. it's just a matter of time or in my case, it's just a matter of time, my heart and him.

i've been in love with the same guy for as long as i could remember. i've always have this kind of question : why him? when will i ever stop waiting for him? aren't the waiting itself is hurt enough? i'll wait for him. i don't know until when. but if we're not fated to be together, never mind. for the time being let me enjoy watching him watching me. let me enjoy the secret glance, secret smile. the waiting is hurt more when you keep urging me with the same question over and over again. it's not me who wants this. it's not even my fault for having this stubborn heart. i am someone like this. i set myself into something, i can never unset it to something else. just like the previous relationship. someone knock my door and i let him enter. he remained there until he grew tired and find a new playmate. left me broken hearted. reminds me of an email i received from a guy friend few weeks ago. "a girl like you will always like the hard way when it comes to love. it's because you don't wait for Mr.Right to be right, but you wait the right one to be your Mr.Right". and i know he's one of the person in the list that i turn down for this past few years. i'm sorry.

to you,

i'll wait for you. i wait for some amount of time. i'm just sitting there waiting. you know where to find me. don't feel pressure. i'm not putting any on you. it's your heart. doesn't matter how much i love you. knock my door when you completely ready. when your heart really empty. when it's really clean from the past. cause just like i don't want to force myself for someone else, i don't want you to force yourself for me. i've seen the tortured. i've watched the abused. i don't want to sing the same song my friends sang. i want our song to be the love song. that's all i ask.

chasing pavement

dia sibuk mengejar masa silam nya sedang kan aku mengejar nya kini.

masing-masing tidak lelah biar pun sakit meruntun jiwa.

it kills the soul once you said it's over

it's raining outside since morning. it's been raining since i was here 3 days ago. i'm not a big fan of humid. cold always freaks me out. i love sunny day. it helps me sleep at noon. it helps me sleep now. in this rainy days. but it doesn't give me the rest i need. i'm not satisfied every time i woke up. i'm not full. i'm still hungry from the sleep. i'm starving for another sleep. i don't sweat. that's why. i hate not be able to make my bed cause i spent so much time on it. i only wake up to eat, bath and solat. i'm glued to the bed. i'm sick of it. can't go out. it makes me thinking. hate it even more. i'm supposed to be happy but i'm not. too many things i have in mind lately.

i changed every password i have. phone, google account, facebook account, cimbclicks account. i try to run as far as i can from him. too bad. when i'm alone, i always think "sudah kahwin ka dia?" or things like "is he happy?" or "does she love him the way i did?".

i hate January. his birthday and our anniversary. just great!!!

unfamiliar

this isn't mine. i don't belong here. this isn't my house. not anymore.

every thing is so unfamiliar. from bed, to blanket, to plate, to bottle, to glass, to clothes.

i miss the smell of my own room there in bukit garam. i miss the mattress. i miss my blanket. i miss my closet. i miss my oh-so-minah-indon night dress.

i miss every single thing there at my house. i miss living without tv cause honestly i started to hate the sound of it first thing in the morning for this past few days.

i miss not having someone to talk to. i miss mum's phone call. i miss the eager feeling i always have whenever something excited happen to me at school and knowing that i should tell mum. though mum is here, i just couldn't tell her anything. i prefer phone call than face-to-face conversation.

i was home since last friday. but all i do is locking myself in mum's room. i only out for bath, dine, solat and some random stuff i out of the blue did. i online 24/7. lying in mum's bed watching tv, watching movie on laptop and reading at the same time. you should see all the chocolates and soda i've been indulged myself lately. this isn't healthy.

i miss teaching. i miss yelling to my students. i miss talking to them. i miss our personal time. i miss those secret letter whenever they have things to say but just couldn't say it cause they afraid someone might heard it. i miss replying it.

i miss bukit garam. i miss the scorching sunny days. i miss being able to watch orca from my window. i miss our fridge. i miss my little moment with it eating cheese spread or peanut butter before taking my 10pm shower. i miss sitting in front of it reading Newsweek while my hand busy unwrap whatever i have in the fridge. i miss my oh-so-cold jasmine green tea.

i miss nafilah 1. i miss uncle Othman's free gift whenever we went there and he was there as well. i miss hang out with everyone there.

time, please fly fast and end this lonesome and sorrow...;(

critical thinking

have i ever criticise anything about you?

have i ever say anything about your car?

how you drive?

what kind of song you listen to while driving?

when did you take your driving license?

have i ever?

never!!!

so stop talking nonsense to me.

this is my life.

this is how i run it.

i never ask you to take my ride.

i never ask you to sit in my car observing like you're some kind of officer criticizing every single thing about me.

i never ask you to touch my stereo.

so what if i listen to jazz, indonesian love song and world music at the same time?

so what if i chose to drive orca instead of others?

so what if i drive like a maniac?

so what if i chose something over something?

so what?

is there any rules that bind me to do so?

who do you think you are to question every single thing about my life?

you are no one.

no one.

no one.

you are full of bullshit!!!

undo

i don't know where to start.

i don't know how to reset my mind back to normal.

i just can't keep pretend like nothing happen.

i should stop pretending like i'm okay when i'm actually not.

i want everything to be back at its place.

the way it supposed to be.

ya Allah, give me your strength. show me the right path.

vida

i'm trying as hard as i can to run my life as normal as possible.

i know it might be the hardest things to do.

but i believe by pretend that everything is going to be okay will make everything right.

for this time being.

doesn't matter how i feel inside.

doesn't matter what is on my mind lately.

i'll fake it.

i'll fake everything.

for the sake of myself.

i should not let my guard down.

i should not stop protecting my heart.

i should start now before everything is too late.

Tuhan itu adil dan selalu tahu apa yang terbaik buat hamba Nya. siapa aku untuk mempersoal segala nya bila semua sudah di atur sebaik-baik mengikut percaturan Nya. hidup dan chess itu sama sahaja. tiada siapa yang menjanji kan ending terbaik. sebab cuma Dia yang tahu siapa pemenang dan siapa pengalah in the end. dan siapa aku juga untuk bilang "ini tidak best". cuma aku minta satu sahaja. hati ku jangan lagi di uji sedang semua tau aku tidak cukup kuat. siapa lagi aku untuk mempersoal permintaan ku yang belum di makbul. bukan menyangsi kuasa Nya tapi sekadar bertanya. di mana keadilan sedang saban jam aku melihat manusia bertopeng syaiton bahagia dengan hidup yang Kau berikan sedang aku masih belum beroleh nya dan terus hidup dengan kepincangan dan ujian yang tidak pernah putus. di mana keadilan yang di war-war kan. sekali lagi siapa aku untuk mempersoal semua itu sedang aku hanya mengingat Mu di kala getir. bila jiwa rapuh. siapa aku?

i know you read this. help me to put myself at ease again. like you used to do.

tiba-tiba

selagi ada sinaran mentari

selagi ada getar di jiwa ku.

teda-teda ni. ok, semua boleh muntah lepas ni.

run

i want to start running again, why.

it gives me time to think.

it gives me time to deep think.

it gives me time to fucking think about every single thing.

it gives me time to enjoy the solidarity.

or maybe i want to get rid of this muffin that looks like 2 months pregnant bump?

well, at least i'm not running away from my feeling nor reality.

you know what's wrong with you?

you get chicken when you start feel your feeling.

you confused.

you run away from it when you know very well you have that same feeling.

you scared.

you afraid of being hurt. (like other people not)

today you like this, tomorrow you like that.

as far as i'm concern, it's not the other person who has problem.

it's you.

you're not sure of your own feeling.

you know what you want but you don't know what to do.

now let me gives you some suggestion on how to solve this.

don't treat that person nicely.

don't treat that person special.

don't give that person wrong idea.

don't give false alarm.

do not take care of the food.

do not take care of everything.

do not pretend like you know what that person wants.

do not text.

do not talk over some serious things.

do not make any move that will lead to flowery feeling.

do not ask that person to hold your thing.

unless...

you really want that person. go straight to that person and tell that person how you really feel about that person. don't do all of this and just disappear the next day. you know why? because it so fucking hurt thinking that someone is finally have a feeling towards you but in the end you'll find out that person is not. and yet you do it again and again and again, why? because you know that that person always have a feeling for you no matter what. but you forget one thing. you forget that that person is a person. a human being. that person has feeling. does it ever appear to your beautiful mind, how hurt that person might be, how tired that person can be, how sick that person can be with all of the 'tarik tali' thing you keep playing. make up your mind. just make up your mind. you know something beautiful is waiting for you.

p/s: apa kau mau?

(itu pun mau tanya lagi ka? sudah tau aku mau kau kan.)

instead of that, :: mau daging dua.

dunia ini terasa lebih nyaman dan aman, jika kita ketahui ada seseorang yang menanti dan menunggu, dan menikmati kejelek kan kita, bukan?

sedang kan ruang asing sudah bisa membuka pintu hati nya setelah sekian lama.

kenapa pula aku belum di hadir kan rasa itu?

p/s: kamu pugai ya?

repent

one of the best things living together with budak kecik is every night you can hear she recites the Holy Quran and none of the day this house lack of the sound of dzikir and all the beautiful sounds come from her laptop. such a tranquila. it feels like home. exactly like home. it's like my OH SO MACHO AND AMAZING DADDY is there with me every single day. i used to sneak up her room to watch her perform the solah. i just don't know why i don't have the courage to do so. please don't get me wrong. i'm trying so hard to do so as well. it's just not my best.

i just hope that the Al-Mighty have some mercy on me.

i'd love to

I'd love to kill you with a kiss

I'd like to strike you down with bliss

I'd like to tie you up in knots

Until your heart stops

I'd love to kill you with a glance

I'd like to put you in a trance

I'd like to drug you with my scent

And use you in the moment, ooh

I'd love to kill you as you eat

The pleasure would taste so sweet

I'd like to open up your skin

And wander there within

I'd love to kill you by a stream

Where no one can hear my baby scream

And then I'd run away and be free

The sweetest victory, ooh

I love to watch you in your sleep

'Cause you don't have power over me

And when you're awake I'm undone

Under you spell in hell

i decorate my room just in case you show up

i am single. for the time being.

if. i say IF.

if an ex out of the blue emerged with a diamond in a blue box, i would say yes.

why?

at least he knows me and i know him. we knew each other very well.

silly. i know.

bitter.

not waiting for him.

but my preferable. what i always want in life.

something/someone familiar to me.

just like if a close friend ask my hand for matrimony, i would say yes as well.

to me it's way better than to have to know new people.

the sex, the lust, the charm, it will come later.

and the L word, a close friend, what do you expect? it always there.

the spark? i always start a flame without it. so what's the point of having it?

and yeah, a close friend is someone who knows you like you knew yourself.

the least is he can share the favourite poem with a cup of jasmine green tea and a jazz music when life start to treat you cruel.

p/s: kangaroo or kiwi? i always prefer kiwi though koala sitting next to kangaroo. get it? preferable is a priority to someone like me.

betray

you will betray me baby, and i will be true

i only ask 'may i share dinner with you?'

wedding vow

may you never steal, lie or cheat

but if you must steal, and steal away my sorrow

and if you must lie, lie with me every night for the rest of my life

and if you must cheat, please cheat death

because i couldn't live a day without you.

loco indeed

i want a baby pronto!!!

my favourite picture

isn't she the sweetest

a start

there's a thing i've been keeping for quite some time. i need to burst it out. i just don't know where i'm supposed to start.

once again

i know that You won't answer my prayer through this. but i believe that You always hear those who asked from You. and now i ask YOU to save it for me cause i seriously need it. bring it back again like You once grant me with it. i only said it because i mean it. and i mean cause it's true.

p/s: i'm at the edge of my emotion and i'm watching the shadows burning in the dark.

commitment

i don't know why i always have our little talk with mum in the early hour. she called me after subuh this morning and asked whether i'm good alone here in bukit garam. then i said 'never feel better. this is what i want in the first place. to be alone.' and she began to ramble about her worry towards my attitude. she said that it's not surprised her that my old self came back. i used to be this way. i used to lock myself in my room and read. just read. and now that's what i do. i go back early to bukit garam. lock myself in our house. no contact to the outside world except for some certain people. and read. i like it this way. reserved. always be.

a childhood friend, Noran Roland is getting married tomorrow to an Australian. a relatives. almost all of my childhood friends already tying their knot. it's like i'm the last single girl. none of their reception i did attend. each of them. hazramy's, hairul's, ellina's, bia's. anything that has to do with commitment and human relationship are far beyond me. i'm not allergic to it. i just want to avoid it. i'm protecting myself. i hate making this choice but i just have to do it. i once chose to be in a relationship for 5 years. what did i get from it? bruises. and some experience. why? because i don't know how to choose between two people. i picked the wrong guy. i'm scared of the commitment that the other one offered to me. it's too much. something that i can't handle. so i decided not to get myself in any relationship other than friend. yes, i do admit that i flirt here and there. i just love doing it. i love to see that rosy cheeks. the call me back things. it makes me feel that i'm still good in it. i don't lost my charm. is it wrong? no, right?

seniors at school keep forcing me to get married. i don't know what to say to them. i don't want to surprise them with my silly answer. so i just said 'why should i get married when i have a very hot handsome and sensuous guy cooking dinner every single night for me?'-referring to Nizuan. i'll be losing this privilege once i bond to someone. i won't be able to hang out with joild, amir and iwan at their place until midnight. i can't laugh my ass out until dawn with fizzy. and i simply can't enjoy my talk with dwayne babe at nafilah eating his 'roti tissue' until 11pm. the truth is, i don't want to loose my freedom. i'm not ready for it. lonely? how can i feel lonely when i have 5 monsters to enjoy with. it's different though. i know. they not filling the empty space deep in my heart. it's okay. i kind of enjoying the hole. wise saying 'once you're in love, prepare some space for hatred in your heart'. i actually don't want to prepare for that thing. that's why i avoid it. i don't want to get hurt. not again. and the tendency for me to hurt someone is bigger than they might hurt me. i know i'm young. but i always have this self-protection thing. if i knew that thing can harm me, i'd be delighted to stay as far as i can from it. am i a coward? yes, i am. but i'm a cold blood person. the last person you want to mess with is me. i can be as mean as i can if i'm hurt. so once bitten, i guess twice shy. i'm tired of man blaming me.

despite all the things i ramble here, still if i ever met someone who share the same passion towards books, towards literature, someone who can listen to jazz and can sing along with me proudly in front of others, someone who listens to The Carnival, someone who has a problem in texting while walking or doing other chores, someone who totally can't juggle two things at one time, someone who only has one phone because he doesn't know how to handle two phones, someone who grew up reading Smash Hits and Big and still keep the goody that comes with it, someone who enjoy jasmine green tea and white toblerone, then maybe i consider about getting married. oh...i met this guy. i'm just waiting for him to reach out for me.