UNSOLVED PROBLEM

1. WORK

i wonder when will i ever stop worrying about work. i know i seldom bring my work back at home. i usually settle everything up at school. i never bring students' exercise book at home. i will make time to check their work at school. i finish my lesson plan. people thought i have nothing to do at home other than watching movie, reading and sleeping as i always say. but actually i still think about work when i'm home. i'm teaching 5 form 3 classes. their future is in my hand. if they failed their English, i'm the one to be blame by Mr. Principal. it scare the hell out of me. what am i supposed to do? PMR is just around the corner and i know my students are not ready for it. i've been trying so hard preparing everything for them. drills, exercise, tests. still it leads nowhere. i'm going to be a dead meat. burn alive by the principal and the admin...;(

2. FINANCE

after almost 2 years of working, i still don't know how to manage my monthly expenses. i always over budgeting myself in everything. still can't live without daddy's money. daddy usually will give me 200-300 a month as a pocket money. that's not included my fuel and any expenses when i'm home in tawau. i have no saving. and what worse, i don't even know where the money gone. for God sake, they don't even have shopping mall here in sandakan. i guess i spent more in food and beverages. no wonder i'm such a fat cow. how am i suppose to solve this? i need a financial manager!!!

3. FEELING

huuuuuuhhhhhhhhh...a very big sigh. i hate how i feel right now. it's like there's a burden inside of me that i have to let go but i just don't know how. emotionally unstable. i just need someone to talk to, someone who can understand me. but i know once i meet this person, i wont talk. not even a single words. cause that's what i am. reserved. so just forget it.

i do flirt, a lot. but i never let things go beyond words. i will only go for someone i really like and i don't get one just for fun. i will wait for the one guy that is potentially the be all and end all.

God, help!!! mati.

what a wonderful world

i went to sandakan yesterday with two most closest person ever, budak kecik and big bird. nothing special happen actually. but at some point i feel so very glad and unconditionally happy without some explainable and logical reason.

start with forcing big bird to join us for his stupid refusal and 'janji melayu' fetching time. what can i say. i'm not even a pure malay. still i can't at least be punctual. reached there around 11 something. straight to Nam Choon to take our lunch. i don't know why i have this little Chinese food appetite. we have a chicken rice with a steam fish. then to Sabah Hotel to settle something and to fulfil our lustrous mouth with a cheese cake. i love the green tea cheese cake and i feel content with the taste of it inside my mouth. orgasmically pleasure. do groceries at Genting Mas. i don't know why i never have the heart to do groceries there. the environment doesn't suits me perhaps. went there just for the sake of big bird. i don't care how cheaper the prices are there. i'm not comfortable with the place. so we went to giant. but before that we stop by at 7 Heaven for a little tea time.

i told you nothing special. but what i love is our way back home moment. we tune to Radio Music. the dj played songs around late 80s and early 90s. we were surprised when we can still remember some of the song. though some of it we don't even heard before. we sing our arz out. scream. not really singing. i'm just so happy. watching big bird smiling. seeing budak kecik laughing. i would trade the world just to see those smiles again and again. euphoric.

p/s: i now weight around 57kg. unbelievable? believe it. devastated for not be able to buy a new Levi's jeans. sandakan outlet is having sale for old item. i tried size 26, unfit. 27, unfit. i'm getting worried. i asked for size 28, unfit!!! i repeat UNFIT. then what is my size now?

betray

you will betray me baby, and i will be true

i only ask 'may i share dinner with you?'

wedding vow

may you never steal, lie or cheat

but if you must steal, and steal away my sorrow

and if you must lie, lie with me every night for the rest of my life

and if you must cheat, please cheat death

because i couldn't live a day without you.

loco indeed

i want a baby pronto!!!

my favourite picture

isn't she the sweetest

whore

the world does not always revolved around you. you are not the trend setter when you know very well i'm the first one who did every thing you do now. that makes me as the trend setter. yet i never claim anyone as a copy cater when i know all that trend belong to the 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s. you and me just relive it. believe me, no one wants to be a clone when we all well aware that we're just cloning someone from behind back when life was new and people were young. so please, please, please, grow up. never claim anyone as a follower. comprehende?

i am now trying to understand life from a prostitute, Maria, point of view. something worthwhile than reading your full of grammatical error works.

faham?

i need something beautiful like this.

not necessary a husband.

just a guy.

“You were born together,
and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when the white wings
of death scatter your days.
Aye, you shall be together even in the
silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another, but make not a bond of love.
Let it rather be a moving sea between
the shores of your souls.
…

And stand together, yet not too near together.
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress
grow not in each other’s shadow.”

a start

there's a thing i've been keeping for quite some time. i need to burst it out. i just don't know where i'm supposed to start.

to all the men out there

Date a Girl Who Read

by Rosemary Urquico

Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes. She has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve.

Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag.She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she finds the book she wants. You see the weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a second hand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow.

She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the book.

Buy her another cup of coffee.

Let her know what you really think of Murakami. See if she got through the first chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she says she understood James Joyce’s Ulysses she’s just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if she loves Alice or she would like to be Alice.

It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas and for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry, in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does.

She has to give it a shot somehow.

Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world.

Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who understand that all things will come to end. That you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.

Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilightseries.

If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.

You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s sick. Over Skype.

You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.

Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.

p/s: (^^)

thoughts

i'm good in memorising.

i remember people face.

i remember their clothes.

i remember their name.

i remember their story.

and mostly i remember their smells.

budak kecik= floral and womanly

ah moi= soft and feminine

minachi= pooja karu

penyanyi= too strong

pingu= musk with a little nicotine

barney= nice one...in fact, my favourite of all

big bird= pricey...and individuality

sang sir= still...turn on is the right word

babe= missing, slightly longing and yearning for more

the thing is, will they remember me the way i remember them?

routine

it's okay to cook every night

as long as i'm not washing the dish

;)

baby sophie

i don't care if it hurts

i want to have control

i want a perfect body

i want a perfect soul

i want you to notice when i'm not around

cause i'm special

so fucking special

but i'm a creep

i'm a weirdo

what the hell am i doing here

i don't belong here

-everybody loves radiohead.

mutant and proud

go fuck yourself

(enough to put a smile on my face while watching X-Men: first class)

go Jackman!!!

go Australia!!!

;)

once again

i know that You won't answer my prayer through this. but i believe that You always hear those who asked from You. and now i ask YOU to save it for me cause i seriously need it. bring it back again like You once grant me with it. i only said it because i mean it. and i mean cause it's true.

p/s: i'm at the edge of my emotion and i'm watching the shadows burning in the dark.

preterm

i hate when i'm sick and tell my mum about it, and she asked what i have done this time and i said i jogged yesterday and she answered me something like- 'you know you were born premature, why on earth you tiring yourself with things like that? and now you're getting sick and we're not there. who's going to take care of you? bla...bla...bla...mum!!!

commitment

i don't know why i always have our little talk with mum in the early hour. she called me after subuh this morning and asked whether i'm good alone here in bukit garam. then i said 'never feel better. this is what i want in the first place. to be alone.' and she began to ramble about her worry towards my attitude. she said that it's not surprised her that my old self came back. i used to be this way. i used to lock myself in my room and read. just read. and now that's what i do. i go back early to bukit garam. lock myself in our house. no contact to the outside world except for some certain people. and read. i like it this way. reserved. always be.

a childhood friend, Noran Roland is getting married tomorrow to an Australian. a relatives. almost all of my childhood friends already tying their knot. it's like i'm the last single girl. none of their reception i did attend. each of them. hazramy's, hairul's, ellina's, bia's. anything that has to do with commitment and human relationship are far beyond me. i'm not allergic to it. i just want to avoid it. i'm protecting myself. i hate making this choice but i just have to do it. i once chose to be in a relationship for 5 years. what did i get from it? bruises. and some experience. why? because i don't know how to choose between two people. i picked the wrong guy. i'm scared of the commitment that the other one offered to me. it's too much. something that i can't handle. so i decided not to get myself in any relationship other than friend. yes, i do admit that i flirt here and there. i just love doing it. i love to see that rosy cheeks. the call me back things. it makes me feel that i'm still good in it. i don't lost my charm. is it wrong? no, right?

seniors at school keep forcing me to get married. i don't know what to say to them. i don't want to surprise them with my silly answer. so i just said 'why should i get married when i have a very hot handsome and sensuous guy cooking dinner every single night for me?'-referring to Nizuan. i'll be losing this privilege once i bond to someone. i won't be able to hang out with joild, amir and iwan at their place until midnight. i can't laugh my ass out until dawn with fizzy. and i simply can't enjoy my talk with dwayne babe at nafilah eating his 'roti tissue' until 11pm. the truth is, i don't want to loose my freedom. i'm not ready for it. lonely? how can i feel lonely when i have 5 monsters to enjoy with. it's different though. i know. they not filling the empty space deep in my heart. it's okay. i kind of enjoying the hole. wise saying 'once you're in love, prepare some space for hatred in your heart'. i actually don't want to prepare for that thing. that's why i avoid it. i don't want to get hurt. not again. and the tendency for me to hurt someone is bigger than they might hurt me. i know i'm young. but i always have this self-protection thing. if i knew that thing can harm me, i'd be delighted to stay as far as i can from it. am i a coward? yes, i am. but i'm a cold blood person. the last person you want to mess with is me. i can be as mean as i can if i'm hurt. so once bitten, i guess twice shy. i'm tired of man blaming me.

despite all the things i ramble here, still if i ever met someone who share the same passion towards books, towards literature, someone who can listen to jazz and can sing along with me proudly in front of others, someone who listens to The Carnival, someone who has a problem in texting while walking or doing other chores, someone who totally can't juggle two things at one time, someone who only has one phone because he doesn't know how to handle two phones, someone who grew up reading Smash Hits and Big and still keep the goody that comes with it, someone who enjoy jasmine green tea and white toblerone, then maybe i consider about getting married. oh...i met this guy. i'm just waiting for him to reach out for me.

mcAvoy

:once the queen is dead, the king is useless...
:what's that about?
:i don't know. maybe he's too depressed to fight. he really loves her, you know...

:yeah, i can see that.

:my queen to yours. checkmate.

indah bukan?

Long have I endured in my life

The pain and sorrows from Love arise

Then you came and redeemed me, my dear,

My only hope in my darkest fears

Because of you, I yearn to be alive

Because of you, ‘till death (you) must realize

In my heart I know there is only you

And ask my heart, you’ll know that this is true

Because of you, I found happiness

That to you I offer this love that is so blessed

Though indeed I may be a slave for loving you so true

It matters not to me, ‘cause everything’s because of you

p/s: tidak. saya belum temu kan cinta itu. belum. tidak mungkin. kali.

two=crowded

me, my dad and mum, we're always have this talk whenever i'm home for a holiday. they just curious why suddenly i changed for this past few years. i rarely go out like i used to do. i know that i'm getting bored. and i don't have any life except bukit garam-work-tawau-holiday. i just don't have the heart for anything. i'm losing my touch since the moment i reach bukit garam. it's not that outback. but that place changed me for who i am right now. i becoming more reserved. less-talkative. i don't mingle with my circle anymore. every time people ask me to go out, i always turn them down with so many excuse when in fact i'm just too lazy to move my butt off my mum's bed. my eyes stick to the tv when i'm in tawau. i cannot stand crowd. and what worse, i start to feel uncomfortable every time all my family gather at our place. i feel like want to go home, i mean to bukit garam right at that moment. and dad can sense it. like few nights ago, my sister and my brothers were having barbecue at our yard. i just don't feel like to mingle so i decided to sleep early. it's because i just don't have the heart. i'm kind of used to be alone. i love my solidarity. i love how me and fizzy spend our time on our own at our house in bukit garam. she's doing her things in her room while i'm doing mine. i prefer something like that.

see...that's how i feel about my family. let alone someone else. one of my brother try to talk to me this evening about my attitude. it really pissed me off. i don't know why. i know he meant for good. i said nothing. i'm getting worse than ever. this is not what i want in life. i know everyone miss the cute me. the charming me. the cuddly me who always have a stupid joke with my brothers. i lost the laugh. i lost the smile. and i know they know it. i'm sorry. i should not. i know how you guys miss your baby sis. just give me some time to enjoy the loneliness.

and to my close friends, sorry for the turn down invitation.

p/s: i think i'm having a problem.

super duper confession

i've been spending the whole day reading back all the things i wrote here since the first entry post. i'm good with language. blog is my playground. it's my therapy. i wrote every shit i want. i ramble. a lot. i have one thing to say though it is so hard for me to admit it. but here i am. proudly to say that:

i am jiwang.

unbelievable? check this entry. so cheesy...uwwekkk!!!

life so far

i went to a clinic yesterday to accompany my bff, harny to do some monthly check up. she's pregnant now. i happen to listen to her baby's heart beat. i'm so excited. speechless. euphoric. it's totally miracles. i know how much i want that thing inside of me too. but i'm too scared of commitment. i'm not ready for a married life. it sucks. i know. i saw people get hurt form commitment. though i try to be positive by saying 'just look at your parents and family'. they different. they are lucky to have each other as their partner. i hate hurting people. let alone to be hurt by others. that's why i chose to avoid it. i've been without it for almost 3 years now. i must say 2011 is the most effing fun year. i just love my current life so much until i want to marry it. marrying myself and what so-called inside it. nutsy!!!

it's almost a week i'm home now. i've been spending most time with my beloved Marsden Abden. i love going out with my dad for some unacceptable reason.

1. i don't have to drive.

2. any expense is not come out from my humble purse.

3. i can put anything in the trolley without think twice.

4. i can eat everywhere i want, from mamak house to italian restaurant.

i just love big daddy.

receive few complaint from everyone.

1. you're getting bored.

2. you're no longer full of fun.

3. you don't flirt anymore so we can get discount when dine in.

4. you don't talk that much.

5. you look like 2 months pregnant.

6. get a life.

the number 6 is the most stink one. it's from abang man.

p/s: have you ever met a girl like me before?

: never.

-is it a good thing or not?

running

Tahashshunan Mujadid Ariffin is so handsome.

i just can't get enough of his street smart look.

that's it.

that's all i have to say again and again.

by the way, he is 16.

and he is my student.

i wish he's 26.

;p

p/s: dia juga sedap bau nya. i should ask what perfume did he used.

numeric

with his checkered shirt on

sitting there

teaching number and maths

and his smell lingering me

hot kan?

turn me on...

kaf alif wau ya nun

kak jum: kawin la kau cepat. banyak kebaikan nya.

me: ......................................................................

a small kindness like helping me to take my test paper from the copy room, really touch my heart. really make my day.

finally my monday morning is bless with his smell again.

content.

min puj

student: cantik nya kuku teacher.

me : ada ka lagi benda lain yang kamu mau puji?

and my morning always start with "Morning Miss Beautiful" by a handsome form 6 student, Russel...;)

fallire

i miss this smell. my morning won't be the same without it.

that friday night

we went for our ritual ladies' night out last night. but this time we move a little early as we want to have lunch at this Chinese restaurant. but we couldn't make it. so we settle every thing first. doing some errands. buying fridge and washing machines. after that we went to Seventh Heaven because Amoi was so dying to have an ice cream. i take my tea time there with a sour plum juice and a hot dog. yummy. then we went to a book fair at Yu Yuan hall. got myself two new books. The Kite Runner and The Art of Marriage. i just trying to look for some sense why people want to commit in such huge commitment called matrimony. so far i'm in page 24 and i must say i still don't get the real reason behind a wedlock except in the name of religion requirement. seriously, i'm not the kind of girl who would spend the rest of her life tolerant to someone else. i can be devoted to you but i won't listen to you. i can't spend the rest of my life having someone to deal with. i mean i used to make my own decision, but i can't think of having someone that i need to consider in decision making. let alone letting someone considered about myself. i'm not ready for things like that. never mind. when the time come, only then maybe, just maybe i might be ready for it. for this time being, mum and dad, let's pretend that you guys are happy for whatever things i cause, shall we?

later that evening, we went to Ba Lin Restaurant at Nak Hotel roof top to watch the sunset. an incident happened. it's totally funny to me but i don't know to some people like you. we did not order this drink named Mohito. so i just said it's okey. i'm kind of thirsty. a glass of cranberry won't be enough. so i asked the waiter whether it contain liquor or not. he said no. so i took a sip. it's nice. kind of minty and soury. definitely because of the peppermint and plum. suddenly i feel a bit dizzy and can't stop laughing and whine. i told them that i'm drunk. they don't believe me. then my face became red. i look at budak kecik. she silent. as if she was shocked with the things happened. she said go to the toilet and throw out. i said later. i asked amoi to double check with the waiter. it turns out that the drink contain rum. so i was okey la. it's not like it's my first time drinking. but i didn't expect doing that thing with my shawl on. haha...i used to drink margarita and other cocktail. but the effect is different with this one. i can't stop laughing for quite some time. i have to close my mouth with my hand to avoid me from making any scene. i just don't want to embarrass them. so i took some time to calm down and drink a plenty of juice even fizzy's. we took a stroll down the genting mas to make me sober. so when i'm okey, we drive to Post office to have our dinner. then go back home. i feel sorry to fizzy. i just don't expect her to witness such thing. and i'm sorry for myself for once again touching those kind of things. even accidentally. i did throw out after that.

so that's it.

brownies

i just have to say this ya'll...

my oh my, Tahashshunan is so handsome...and charming too...and gorgeous...

i wonder if that boy smell nicely. am i allowed to smell a teenage boy in front of his friends?

p/s: i'm in love with Josh Rouse...kau kenal ka sepa dia?

the art of utter

i don't know what's with some people who never learn to say 'thank you'. it is very hard for them to say this two meaningful words. it's like as if they going to loose their pride in front of others. i don't ask you to pay me back for my kindness. all i want is just to hear the 'thank you' word and i'll be okey. but it seems like i won't get it no matter how long i wait for it cause you are that kind of person. the kind who never be grateful for things people do for you. all you care is about yourself and your own satisfaction. sometimes i do pity you for not realizing this sort of thing. i think you need someone to knock some sense to you. definitely not me cause i don't think i would spend another minute talking to a person like you. and the fact that you no longer a friend of mine, makes my life even brighter. even funnier. cause i don't have to deal with a snob like you.

like i said before, learn the art of thanking and grateful.