1st week

work is a mess.
house is a mess.
going to sort things out one by one.
be more organise.

and i miss you so much, Sayang.

anonymous

few months ago i received a text from anonymous saying want to get to know me. but me being me, i ignored it. i'm not the kind of girl who likes to entertain such text. this anonymous keep texting me though i never replied it. until 2 weeks ago, anonymous texted me around 11.30 am when i was still at school saying how beautiful i look that day. okay, so this person actually work with me. i asked H whether he knows the number or not but he didn't. i thought it was H trying to punk'd me because no guy at school would send such text to me except him. still i didn't reply it.
one day, anonymous text me again saying that it is safe for me to contact the number. for some reason, i know who the hell this anonymous is. though i already know who anonymous is, i still refused to reply the text because HE is actually a married guy. he keep texting me as usual though he never get any reply from me. he even called me snob for not replying his text. i start to feel something different. i've become aware of him at school. it's kinda creepy actually. last saturday night he text me again inviting for a drink around 11 something at night. that's totally absurd. if we were in kK and this person was my age, i should call it booty text. seriously, who text people at midnight asking for a drink??? what kind of person is he? especially with his title at school. God!!!
so this morning i told two of my best buddies. one of them was not really surprised hearing it but both of them feel so yuck. it turns out that i'm not his first victim. there's another teacher who experienced the same thing. oh my God. this person is totally sick. for God sake, he is married with kids. isn't he happy with his wife? doesn't he have some respect to matrimony? i feel sorry to his wife for having such husband. i pray that Allah will shield me from this kind of husband. and i pray that he will stop do so, so that any single young women won't feel threaten with such act.
we need a conducive environment to work. don't ruin it.

p/s: congratulation H for the "manager of the season" award. you totally deserve it, love.

i thought i was hypotension

i seriously need anger management class. i just slapped 8 kids on their faces for giving pain in my ass during exam. that was after i threw tantrum in front of everyone. everything so out of control. i feel bad about it. real bad. but i just couldn't help myself.
now, i'm just waiting for the HEM to call me.

i'm sorry. i'm really sorry. this PMS is totally killing me.

dari kecik tidak mau mati

kurang ajar kan bila ada pelajar yang berani buat sexual moaning time kita lalu depan kelas mereka. rasa macam mau ketuk kepala pelajar tu dengan batang paip biar mampus sekali. kalau gatal betul mau make out, quit sekolah, minta kawin. jangan buat emosi guru terganggu.

ibu bapa, sila pantau anak anda. beri pendidikan seks sewajar nya.

periuk nasi

ada orang macam cuba tabur pasir dalam periuk nasi saya. apa la saya mau makan ni? sudah la beras saya cap dua naga. mahal tu. kamu makan beras Nasional ja pun.

ada cerita best dalam periuk saya. baru-baru ni, ada dapat cerita beras kecil mengadu dengan periuk lain pasal saya tidak tau buat kerja saya. konon nya saya hanya tau bercakap saja dalam periuk. banyak mulut. atau saya quote terus la isi nya "we don't like teacher zila. she doesn't teach us properly. she likes to talk a lot". ada lagi versi verbal nya, "dia suka layan budak lelaki ja". comel. hebat. bijak dan berani bertindak. saya suka beras kecil dalam periuk saya ni. tapi dia mess dengan periuk yang salah. dia mungkin tidak pernah menonton movie Don't Mess with the Zohan. ini versi Don't Mess with Zila. kau anak ADUN kawasan ni sekali pun saya tidak gentar. benda ni sebenar nya pernah berlaku waktu season 1 dulu. masa tu saya baru beli periuk ni. exactly the same. aduan nya tu sebijik sama. eventually beras-beras kecil itu mulai kenal siapa bperiuk zila ni. akhir nya, beras-beras kecil ini la yang hampir setiap kali berjumpa saya minta di ajar di periuk baru nya.

saya periuk yang profesional. jadi saya nasihat beras-beras kecil ini untuk belajar cara hidup dalam periuk baru. kalau ada persoalan atau ketidakfahaman, saya suruh mereka jenguk-jenguk periuk saya. siapa tahu saya boleh membantu. kembali kepada aduan beras kecil itu tadi. begini wahai beras kecil, kita hanya memula kan acara menanak nasi baru lapan hari saja. dan saya pun baru saja kenal dengan kamu. normal la kalau kita belum punya sesi tanakan yang serius. beras mungkin boleh jadi keras atau kelembekan sebab terlebih atau terkurang air. saya juga percaya kamu masih dalam honeymoon mood. kalau saya ajar teknik menanak nasi yang serius, pasti kamu boring, bukan? lagi pula kamu tidak tau lagi jenis beras dan periuk ini. tentang saya lebih suka melayan beras lelaki tu pula, komen nya simple saja. lain periuk lain approach nya. saya suka berkawan dengan beras-beras dalam periuk saya terlebih dahulu sebelum mulai menanak nasi. dan selalu nya saya cuba berkawan dengan beras yang paling nakal dan rebel dulu. bila sudah tackle hati mereka baru la saya mula kan dengan yang lain. saya ini bukan gatal periuk nya. tapi lumrah la. kalau periuk perempuan, pasti tertarik dengan beras lelaki yang cantik bersih lagi wangi. itu saja. simple kan. satu pesanan dari saya buat kamu si beras kecil, lain kali, ada apa-apa kekurangan dengan periuk saya, jumpa saya terus dan kasi tau la saya. saya ni flexible orang nya. mampu menerima pandangan orang lain. bukan buat busuk begini. sekarang ni periuk saya sudah terbakar sedikit. mungkin nasi yang bakal di tanak nanti tidak begitu harum bau didihan nya. atau paling kurang pun, berjumpa la dengan beras-beras saya yang kini sudah menjadi nasi-nasi yang berbau wangi dan lagi maha sedap rasa nya sehingga membuat kan periuk-periuk lain berasa gentar untuk menukar nya kepada resepi lain. nasi yang sedap dan wangi di masak apa pun pasti jadi lebih sedap. percaya la.

saya sebenar nya tidak begitu terasa hati dengan beras kecil ini. dia hanya la beras kecil yang belum matang lagi. tapi saya sedikit terkilan dengan periuk nasi tempat aduan si beras kecil. sampai hati dia mengutara kan hal ini kepada si kawah besar. sepatut nya periuk ini berbincang dengan saya dahulu tentang perkara ini. mau-mau lagi bila kami teman seperiuk. rasa di tikam dari belakang. periuk boleh di tikam ka? silap. rasa seperti wayar penyambung tenaga periuk saya di putus kan dari belakang. saya tidak tau apa niat sang periuk ini. saya terasa seperti kredibiliti periuk saya di pertikai kan. memang la saya ni cuma periuk nasi digital Panasonic. saya bukan la periuk nasi Electrolux atau Tefal. tapi saya juga mampu di guna kan untuk memasak nasi. mungkin periuk kamu begitu hebat. kenapa tidak kamu masak semua beras-beras yang ada di sini. moga-moga semua nya menjadi nasi yang begitu sedap dan harum bau nya. saya rasa seperti periuk saya di hempas dari tempat yang tinggi lalu di pijak-pijak dan menunggu waktu untuk di buang. saya sedikit sebanyak putus harapan untuk menanak nasi. mungkin periuk saya boleh di tukar fungsi menjadi steamer.

ikhlas dari saya yang sedang cuba membersih kan pasir dalam periuk saya ini.

p/s: makan cili terasa pedas nya. buat kamu yang kurang kerjaan nya tu, boleh la print out entry ni dan lekat di papan kenyataan.

kata lidah

i wrote bad things about people.

i write because i love to.

i write to express my feelings.

i write to achieve catharsis.

i write because it's a cheaper therapy that i could get.

you may read.

you may like it.

you may judge me.

you may say bad things about me behind my back.

but who ask you to print out my writing? asshole!!! get a life!!!

finger and nail

it's normal when your student is the one who said things like "cantik nya kuku teacher".

but when your married male colleague who said things like "cantik jari-jemari zila", creepy, right?

>rasa macam terganggu sikit emosi. di bulan ramadhan la pula.

min puj

student: cantik nya kuku teacher.

me : ada ka lagi benda lain yang kamu mau puji?

and my morning always start with "Morning Miss Beautiful" by a handsome form 6 student, Russel...;)

brownies

i just have to say this ya'll...

my oh my, Tahashshunan is so handsome...and charming too...and gorgeous...

i wonder if that boy smell nicely. am i allowed to smell a teenage boy in front of his friends?

p/s: i'm in love with Josh Rouse...kau kenal ka sepa dia?

home coming queen

i don't know this girl but lately i spent my time reading her blog. it excites me in a weird way. all she talks about was her day at school and her boyfriend. i feel like i want to steal the boyfriend from her. it's not like she posted his picture or whatever to make me in love with that guy. the way she described him. the attitude. the silliness. the funniness in him makes me want him more and more. he so stupid but she is one damn lucky girl to have someone like him.

it is so unfair for me when others start doing wrong things but never get caught by the highest because no one care to report about it. and when i'm the one who did it, i'm sure the next thing you know, i'll be in the Principal's room answering every single question. i'm not complaining or whatever. it's just please open your eyes. see what you supposed to see. not seeing what do you want to see. for example, i noticed this particular girl likes to wear kurung moden. the one that hugging your body tightly. but no one is complaining about her. NO ONE. and it remind me when i'm still new here, i used to wear that kind of kurung (i still wear it until right now though) i've been called to the superior's room. so i told a guy friend about this. he said something stupid that makes me want to slap him but i just couldn't because he did make a point. he said that girl did not bother anyone at all as she's having not-so-curvy body. and according to him, when i'm the one who wear something like that, every penis in the school will be distracted by me. i was like whattafish are you talking about? she's a girl and i'm a girl. so what's the different? and he said try to see it in a boy's eyes. well, i could not blame you neither blaming me. it's a gift. haha...

it's not like i love to minta puji or whatever. but every day is like a home coming season and i'm the home coming queen. i used to tell him that i'm their home coming queen and guess what i've got? a smirk. i know he could not agree more with the students...;p i'm bumping to a students almost every day at school and it is never a day i missed such a compliment saying how i look pretty today. how good my baju kurung is. how i should wearing kurung cotton every day cause it looks cute on me. how glowing i am. i'm flattered. i do. but the problem is, i'm kind of shy whenever they said good things in front of others. yes. it is indeed the truth. i'm a shy cat. you can't just go and say good things to me in front of the others. i'll get tongue tied and blushing. but it is never a wrong things to dress up. i always make sure that my clothes are pressed and look neat and tidy. it is a nice thing to know that such tiny things like looking good can make a difference. i am not a person who like to spend hours getting ready to school. i always late because i have problem in time management in shower. i am a rather simple person who keeps accesorizing minimal. i don't wear heavy make up. not even a foundation or blusher. i'm just using Loreal White Perfect with Silky White Magic Face Powder. a lipstick and eyeliner. well, that's me. it still nice to see all the students excited. i'm used to the younger ones telling me i look pretty cause they like to say nice things. but the older ones are a little bit reserved especially the upper six. so when they gave that kind of unexpected response, it's not really surprised me...;p but it do made me feel so very happy...;)

currently nomad

living is harder when you getting older.
it's 2011 now. how do i spend my new year's eve?
crying in orca for the whole night for my stupidity.
i start my new year by donating my rm700 to a stranger just because of stupid car crash i caused because of loosing focus. great.
and it is my money. i'm not asking from daddy like i used to do. why?
because i pay it on 3rd of january. and i hereby announced that i'm broke. never mind. HE knows best.
i'm teaching in morning session right now. i sort of like it because i can sleep on the noon side.
but i spent my morning feeling sleepy for waking up too early.
i currently nomad. i have my rented house but i'm not staying there because of the water supply problem.
i'm sleeping at budak kecik's place. it is so hard. i even have my underwear right at the back seat of my car. totally uncool and not so sexy. saya benci hidup tidak terurus. i'm still looking for a better place to live.
i miss home cook. i haven't eat any of it since i came here. if you saw me closely, you can see my dry skin. i swear. i hate it. the best thing i eat since 29th dec 10 is SR tom yam kung last monday. i miss home cook. i miss veges.
just to add another worse thing in my life, now is the early year. and it's time for me to get sick. i have cough right now. sore throat. tonsil. package of voice loosing. awesome. but like Barney Stinson said "when i'm sick, i just pretend that i'm not and being awesome instead". well, i'm awesome.
kinabatangan non stop raining since forever. i love rainy days. but too much of something is bad. yeah, musim mengawan. best kan kalau sudah kahwin. someone can put you in his sweet embrace and keep you heating.
i don't know why he suddenly so eager to loose weight. it's like he obsess to be skinny. i hate it. cause he look happier when he chub. sexier. especially the ass. i ask here once again for you to not to. i like you just the way you are. 57kg is enough. and i like your tight pants. use it everyday to school so you can cheer my dying morning up. lanjik nya ni perempuan.

nerdstar

it's going to be busy tuesday for us today. every one is concentrating on finishing their induction assignment. it's been a long time since i do it. i forget already how hard it is to compose a good writing especially if it's in malay. damn!!!
but i'm positive. hahaha...it's just 5 pages writing. it's nothing compare to what i used to do...;p
so peeps, keep praying for me to finish it today or else i can't put my full attention to study. wow!!! sounds like campus girl. let see how nerdy i am.

have to shift to nimmy's room cause according to fizzy, i keep bothering her...;p
me in PDI 'i love Paris' graphic tee and R.A hotty.
hair clip from Hafiz on my last birthday.
"Bertekad Cemerlang"

let's work together babeh!!!

p/s: my hair is getting longer. i love it cause he like it...;)

beauty is pain

imagine standing in this thing for 2 and half hour for each session starting from morning to noon and noon to evening.
that's how it feels like when you invigilating the SPM examination.
it hurts so bad.
heel is hell.

but i love it.
and i can't complain...;(

stickshift and safety belt

ada taklimat induksi di kK kemarin. gila punya pengurusan. aku paling benci bila tiba-tiba kena panggil untuk benda begini. time rest semasa jaga exam on thursday, ana kena call informed that she and us have to attend the taklimat. at first, mau pigi petang itu. tapi tidak dapat kebenaran keluar kerana pengawas exam yang tinggal outnumbered. so i decided to drive at 3am. and around 3.30, the journey begun.
reach there around 9 and the taklimat only took 10 minutes. yeah i know it sucks. than lepaking with joild and faizal. macam lama betul sudah tidak jumpa ini manusia dua ekor. i'm so happy. contain. check in to the hotel and have like 1 hour sleep. after that we're went to suria to watch the 3D rapunzel. i'm not a big fan of fairy tale. but i do like this movie. got some message from there regarding of mum-daughter relationship. i love the song that the witch keep singing for rapunzel.

"skip the drama...listen to your mama...cause mama knows best"

wondering what kind of shampoo she's using...

i fall in love with one rip curl white shirt. seriously drooling. but it cost me rm189. i have no money. i wanted so badly to buy it. but i'm too shy to ask dad generosity. so i decided to wait until i come back later for the induksi on 13th of december. surprisingly, i buy nothing there except 2 books. can't find the eleven minutes...;( i thought kK is having Y.E.S. but i'm so dissapointed.

hasil persenyawaan dengan harris dan times

you know how much i hate wearing that bloody safety belt when i'm driving. i hate it so much. i hate feeling trap. feels like i can't move myself. i hate that. i hate safety belt. and guess what? big smile to the JPJ please...;)

do you have any idea what is Sistem Belanjawan Diubahsuai?

life as we know it

what would you do when suddenly your best friends died leaving you their one year old kiddo asking you to take care of her with some asshole that you hate mostly?

i haven't go for a movie for quite a long time. last one is during Ramadhan watching step up. and i haven't watching chick flick in cinema for a years. we hate watching light movie in cinema. so last night me and budak kecik go for it. it is as a reward for being so tired doing all the works before the school end. we're having fun last night. a real fun that we didn't get for such a long long time. lately life become so chaotic loaded with works, issues, some random stupid things. kind of tired with all the drama. need a place to hide away.
i'm not placing my place in her shoes. i mean the girl in the movie. but we kind of having the same situation. surrounding with couple, married with kids friends. me also surrounding with dating friend (fizzy and pyan), engaged (rny and jason), married with a baby (halizah and reyzan). and i'm the last single girl. haha...happy. but will i do the same if anything happen to my friends? it's not like i'm wishing for anything. it's just i'm being realistic. i will perhaps. depends on the situation. it's not easy raising others baby. it's a big responsibility. talk about it when it really happen...;)

did i mention the school end just now? yeah, i did. i'm going to teach in the morning session for next year. i always love it. because that means i have a long long time to sleep on the evening. so if you saw me getting chubby and flabby later, please don't say anything. they ask me to teach 5 examination classes. such a huge things to do. wish me luck. i'm keeping my fingers cross for anything good happen. like he said to me 'show them the new you'. haha...maybe. we'll see. everyone knows that i'm such ill discipline teacher. i'm trying my best to make everyone happy. as long as they make me happy.
yesterday is like 'hari makan sedunia' for me. i hate that. no i love it. i start my day with mihun goreng and egg for breakfast. thanks to sarah for the treat. then i eat his nasi goreng cooked by hafiz and cucur bawang. next is nasi himpit with rendang daging. and during English panel final meeting, i eat a cup of baked macaroni, a slice of chocolate cake and 2 slices of carrot cake. on the evening, nizuan brought us to 7 heaven. i eat a slice of green tea cake that taste more like seaweed cake and a cup of vanilla yogurt ice cream. and not to be forgot, a cup of popcorn and a pepsi during the movie. no wonder i can't wear my cotton pants that i'm supposed to wear yesterday. i hate that. is that means i'm supposed to change to size 6 now? OMG!!! now i have to change the whole closet? i need a new bra size and a new pants size? what am i now? one of the biggest loser girl? and in a time like this, i still can think of perming my hair. oh...how much i want that sexy wavy hair like Meredith Grey in Grey's Anatomy.
mission for now: toning my body and get that wavy hair.

he's leaving in less than 12 hours. i start have this feeling since this past few days. i hate when we're parted. it's not like he's going for three weeks, it's 6. it's double of it. i can't see him for that long time. i don't know what he is up to. i can't put him on my radar. i hate this feeling. i hate feeling unease. i hate missing him badly...;(

Hitam Putih Kehidupan

my very first annual dinner with the Bukit Garam clan

hijab and jilbab: Dubai Collection
caftan abayya: Aura Cantik Boutique
shoes: Charles and Keith

so i guess my trip to kK is just to get the shoes. all my dress is bought in Lahad Datu.

January batch teachers

my partner in-crime...trust me, they not as bad as i am.

the three of us: Polar, Koala and Panda
but i think the Koala is getting thinner...;)


we do look good together, right?
too bad...
my heart belong to someone else

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it will always belong to my King Shahryar, him...;)

when i run out of story, will you beheaded me or simply keep me to be the Queen of your heart?

p/s: the only exception, i guess...

life ain't cruel...but we are

macam malas mau cakap. tapi perlu cakap juga.
sir panggil aku kemarin. ya. aku memang guru yang betul-betul ill-discipline.
aku balik suka hati. aku tidak masuk kelas. aku masuk kelas lambat. aku bawa budak ngomong.
aku memang lousy. cukup lousy untuk jadi guru. aku tidak punya jiwa itu.
entah mana bapa dapat idea suruh aku buat degree TESL. kalau tau ending nya begini, lebih baik buat ELS or anything english as long as not teaching.
bukan aku benci kerjaya ni. cuma ia belum menyerap ke jiwa ku. aku cuba. aku usaha untuk cinta. tapi seperti biasa, siapa yang boleh paksa aku untuk buat benda yang aku benci? tidak diri aku sendiri. jauh sekali orang lain.
cukup penat. penat jadi hipokrit di tempat kerja. penat hipokrit depan budak. penat jaga hati semua orang. kadang aku buat semua ni for the sake of Puan Penyelia Petang. sebab dia cukup baik dengan aku. dia tau mana button yang perlu di push untuk soothe aku bila mana terlalu banyak benda jadi di sekolah.
aku faham tempat ni terlalu banyak nonok berbanding penis. mulut dua di darab dengan bilangan guru perempuan. jadi nya havoc.
kalau tutup mulut atas, mulut bawah akan terbuka. yang penis pun kadang-kadang mulut macam lahanat. tak padan dengan pendidikan. aku begitu begini, nampak tak tau agama ka? kau tutup sana sini, kalau mulut kau bau longkang apa guna? kau tau agama sangat? nama sudah register dalam syurga? aku rasa kalau ada dalam list syurga pun, sekarang ni sudah kena delete. mulut kau tak pandai diam. jajah cerita aku sana sini. jajah cerita orang lain sana sini. kau siapa untuk judge aku? kain kau bukan nya tutup rapat sangat pun. peduli apa kalau asal kau dari serambi mekah sekali pun. bukan malaikat. bukan nabi yang cukup terpelihara dari dosa. jangan kacau hal aku bila hal kau sikit pun aku tidak cuit.
baru tau satu cerita. guru yang lain sesi lebih banyak becakap pasal aku. lebih tau pasal aku. hebat!!! tau aku pakai bra size berapa? panty size apa? seluar size apa? baju kasut segala apa? aku pakai bra 34 cup C. ya. cukup besar kan. mesti itu salah satu benda yang kau jeles kan. takut laki lari. takut hilang bf. aku tidak pernah kacau barang orang. kau jangan risau. hati ku selalu untuk nya.
at least aku tidak pretend jadi baik depan orang. apa yang kau lihat di luar, itu la aku. aku tidak pura-pura alim. aku tidak pura-pura lemah lembut sedang di belakang macam setan. aku akui aku gedik. cukup gedik. di rumah aku juga gedik. semua orang tau aku suka minta puji. betebiat. kadang-kadang mama pesan via phone call supaya kurang kan minta puji supaya tidak di benci. ini aku. gedik. lanjik. cukup jelas luaran ku. tapi mana kau tau hati ku? satu sekolah boleh dengar suara aku, ada yang cuba dengar isi hati ku?
school lingo? aku kena ikut ka benda tu? come on la. aku penat untuk takut dengan superior. dulu zaman sekolah takut dengan guru. zaman campus, takut CGPA jatuh dari 3.00. terpaksa kerja keras sikit bila markah di potong sebab kehadiran. tidak kan la zaman bekerja pun kena takut sesama guru? aku cukup dewasa. biar pun agak tidak matang.
mungkin ada pelajar yang terganggu dengan aku. sexually perhaps. aku pakai macam mana pun rasa nya pasti ada yang terganggu. itu biasa berlaku. dulu masa jadi guru ganti pun aku pernah di panggil pihak pentadbir sebab ada laporan pelajar tidak dapat tumpu study bila aku mengajar sebab boleh naik syahwat. aku minta maaf. tiada niat untuk itu. aku tidak minta kurniaan itu. kira nya itu gift. tidak semua orang ada. macam aku cakap dulu, pakai baju kurung longgar pun boleh buat lecturer usia 48 tahun panggil aku 'sexy pink'. mungkin aku patut mula pakai abayya dan purdah semasa mengajar.
kau boleh cakap aku tulis benda ni dalam ketidakwarasan. persetan kalau sir baca sekali pun tentang ini. aku penat. aku tidak kuat. aku benci keadaan ini. kenapa la bodoh sangat tidak urus pindah dari awal dulu masa semua orang mau tolong? suka sangat cuba tempat baru. terlalu dengar cakap bapa. patut nya dengar cakap mama. kalau tidak, tidak la ending nya begini.
tidak kan ada yang mampu bertahan dengan aku melain kan kau bapa. dan aku sangat membutuh kan kau. semalam tawa mu buat aku sakit hati. sakit jiwa sebab tidak boleh berada dalam rangkulan kau dan menangis sepuas nya. seperti biasa aku cukup rindu kan kata-kata mu dan janji manis untuk beli kan aku itu ini demi memujuk ku yang sedang bersedih.
jiwa ku tidak cukup kuat. lembut. rapuh. dan sekarang mulai jiwang dengan hadir nya dia. selain budak kecik dan sahabat karib, dia banyak jadi penguat semangat walaupun kadang-kadang cukup menyakit kan hati. rasa nya ingin saja lari ke rumah nya semalam dan mengetuk pintu nya agar dapat baring di lengan nya. menangis dan menggigit nya sampai hilang semua rasa beban dalam jiwa.
terlalu banyak terbuku. aku tidak cukup terbuka bila bicara soal hati dan perasaan. aku selalu ikut rentak orang. ikut apa mau nya orang agar rebel ku tidak kelihatan. walaupun aku tau ada sesetengah yang cukup tau keinginan ku untuk memberontak. aku reserved.
aku pigi kK minta duit kau ka? aku beli itu ini guna duit kau ka? tidak kan? jadi apa yang di kecoh kan sampai di jadi kan isu? heran. kau pigi satu dunia sekali pun aku tidak heran. lain la kalau kau minta duit aku tadi untuk itu.
aku tidak minta banyak. jangan kacau aku. jangan ambil tau hal aku. jangan cakap belakang tentang aku. kau buat kerja kau. aku buat kerja aku. jangan pandai-pandai mau label orang sekitar ku. mereka cukup baik.

p/s: sekejam mana lagi yang kau mampu buat? sila kan...aku tidak gentar. kau kuat kan aku. terima kasih.

chasing pirate

i just need a place to hide away. to get rid of everything here. it's not like i hate here. but it seems like here can't accept who i am outside. here don't even give a damn about inside me. here don't give me a chance to grow up like i supposed to.

everything is getting worse. my life. my work. my social circle. yeah...i hate my work. not because i hate teaching. but i hate everything about it. this is going to happen when you've been forced to do something your heart resist. i should do Literature instead of TESL. i love the language but not the science of teaching it. i should do ELS where i can study the language. where i can do the syntax which i love mostly. where i can draw the sentence tree like i used to do in William Taylor class. where i can study the semantic, the discourse of that language. oh...i hate teaching. and i admit that i'm such a lousy teacher. i didn't enter the class like i'm supposed to. i came to the class 10 minutes late. i'm teaching skill-oriented. i don't care whether they can answer that well in the examination. as long as they can speak a chunk of english words, they can write, they understand my direction, it's okey to me. i hate exam-oriented class. language is supposed to be a skill. it is something you use everyday. what is the point if you can answer in the exam but you can't apply it in daily life? see...that's the different. how do i know? i'm having the best skill-oriented english teacher for the whole life of mine.

now my social life consist of four people i used to hang around. budak kecik, sahabat karib, partner in-crime and my angel, him. i'm back to my old self. something i don't want to. i hate my life. it's not like i'm not happy with it. but i'm just too happy and satisfied with what the Big Guy up there giving me. the rest is not that important. this place is full with the superficial, gossip girl, and the P clan. i'd rather be the wall flower than be one of them. i'd rather do my own things with my friends. weird when they still care what i've been up to lately. even weirder when they know things i don't know about me. ces't la vie, zila.

i'm such ill-discipline person. i have a problem in following rules. i don't like when people demanding me to do something. to be someone i'm not. i'm the most rebellious person. i admit it. but one thing for sure, i never influenced people close to me to be like me. i know people start accusing me of making a few nice people turn to be me. all i can say is 'sorry'. i never meant that way. i'm just a girl who try to live my life in this 'used to be cool' place. i'm tired of people having bad perspective about me when they don't even know me. like i said to Dani last time, you have to go on a trip, at least one trip with me to get to know me better. i guess Dani can judge me right now. he had one ride with me and i think we're doing better. i know i'm such a bad person. it took me so long to be nicer. you can't change me in the blink of eyes. in a push of a button. give me some time. give me some space. i can do better. i promise. cause right now i am in this phase of becoming greater person. i am. i ask one thing, please stop labeling my friend. they not as bad as me. they're way nicer. way nicer than those superficial. they my savior. at least they know who is the real me inside.

to my friends: i'm sorry all of you have to go through this just because of me. i'm sorry if people start saying you such a bad teacher, bad person. i'm sorry for every thing happen lately. i'm sorry. i never thought things will become ugly like this. i never thought high school life won't leave me after all this time. i never thought grown up is cruel sometimes. i never thought cause you know that i hate thinking.
you: thanks for always be there when life here turning so ugly and so cruel to me. don't know how to show my gratitude towards you.

ini kali barang yang semua orang cakap aku cari jauh-jauh...it's cheaper there
mau habis sudah yang lama...it tighten my skin and firming my body
i hate when there is some part of me yang selalu goyang-goyang bila bejalan...

welcoming my new muses...;)
too bad can't get Girl of Riyadh and Nadia's Song..;(

p/s: budak-budak tu semua terpengaruh dengan zila la ni...(ayat biasa dengar dari zaman belasan tahun)

sampai bila?

another complain i received yesterday. i guess it's not official until the admin is calling me. i'm waiting. and i feel like a shit right now. wtf!!! tidak pandai habis.
the thing is i like to come home late at night when we going out to Sandakan or wherever it is. yeah, i love that. so what if i keep doing that. i'm just a kid. i'm having the time of my life right now. if you don't have yours, don't blame me. your choice, mate. what really get me is how on earth all the admin know about it? tak boleh tengok orang senang ka?
i don't think i would mind if you come home late every night when you are living in a hostel with the students. you are not a students. and so am i. there's no rules to be followed. there's no superior to be obey as long as you know what you are doing. then come the real reason: YOU ARE A TEACHER. KIDS LOOK UP ON YOU. i was a kid before and i never care if my teacher love to clubbing. i used to have a gay teacher. a speed racer. a marriage-wrecker teacher. a teacher who has his/her own night life. that doesn't bother me at all. because to me it's all their business. it's their personal. and i think my students here doesn't care about me coming home late or whatever. i know them better than you. and they know me well enough. and yeah, more than YOU. that's the different. they the one who should judge me. not YOU the stupid fella who listen to what other people say about me and blindly believe it. GROW UP OLD FOLKS.
another thing is, until right now i still don't understand one thing about this place. it's ok for other people to do bad things. but when i'm the one who did it, it's like i just commit the worse crime ever. i guess they love me more. and it is their way to show me their tender loving care. by overprotecting me, criticizing me, bad talking me, eying me every single time. exactly.
give some space for me to breath. you're putting me under your CCTV. give me some time to grow up. be a mature person. but not this way. please. that's all i ask.

life ain't easy babe!!!

terutama buat perempuan seperti ku.
so little time so much to do.

hidup sebagai seorang guru tidak ada seronok nya lately. di timbuni kerja-kerja yang patut di kerja kan lama dulu kali. bukan salah kerjaya. salah guru itu sendiri. ya. aku tau. guru malas itu aku. rasa macam makan gaji buta saja.

hidup di bukit garam itu tidak ada best nya lately kecuali bila malam menjelma. boleh tidur dan berehat. harus terus berfikir untuk membuat keputusan akan tinggal di mana tahun depan. patut lari lebih awal sebelum nama naik menjadi calon warden untuk tahun depan.

hidup dalam ruang ini lagi tidak seronok lately. tiga hari pulang, sekali pun tidak pernah bercakap. di sekolah juga begitu. seolah-olah masing-masing guru baru yang belum berkenalan. malu untuk bertegur sapa. oh, itu kejadian biasa.

hidup perempuan ku jauh lebih worse than anything. hormonal. tidak. bukan sebab PMS. tapi sebab rasa gatal sangat mau kawin. kenapa? sebab aku bosan hidup sendiri. bosan satu bilik dengan fizzy. bukan boleh hug dia pun kalau tidur. hahaha...sebenar nya mau kawin supaya boleh gigit lengan dia.



mari lah bersama
jalani cinta kita apa ada nya

macam best.
memang.
tiba-tiba berkenan lagu ni.