faham?

i need something beautiful like this.

not necessary a husband.

just a guy.

“You were born together,
and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when the white wings
of death scatter your days.
Aye, you shall be together even in the
silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another, but make not a bond of love.
Let it rather be a moving sea between
the shores of your souls.
…

And stand together, yet not too near together.
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress
grow not in each other’s shadow.”

a start

there's a thing i've been keeping for quite some time. i need to burst it out. i just don't know where i'm supposed to start.

to all the men out there

Date a Girl Who Read

by Rosemary Urquico

Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes. She has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve.

Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag.She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she finds the book she wants. You see the weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a second hand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow.

She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the book.

Buy her another cup of coffee.

Let her know what you really think of Murakami. See if she got through the first chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she says she understood James Joyce’s Ulysses she’s just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if she loves Alice or she would like to be Alice.

It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas and for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry, in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does.

She has to give it a shot somehow.

Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world.

Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who understand that all things will come to end. That you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.

Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilightseries.

If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.

You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s sick. Over Skype.

You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.

Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.

p/s: (^^)

thoughts

i'm good in memorising.

i remember people face.

i remember their clothes.

i remember their name.

i remember their story.

and mostly i remember their smells.

budak kecik= floral and womanly

ah moi= soft and feminine

minachi= pooja karu

penyanyi= too strong

pingu= musk with a little nicotine

barney= nice one...in fact, my favourite of all

big bird= pricey...and individuality

sang sir= still...turn on is the right word

babe= missing, slightly longing and yearning for more

the thing is, will they remember me the way i remember them?

routine

it's okay to cook every night

as long as i'm not washing the dish

;)

baby sophie

i don't care if it hurts

i want to have control

i want a perfect body

i want a perfect soul

i want you to notice when i'm not around

cause i'm special

so fucking special

but i'm a creep

i'm a weirdo

what the hell am i doing here

i don't belong here

-everybody loves radiohead.

mutant and proud

go fuck yourself

(enough to put a smile on my face while watching X-Men: first class)

go Jackman!!!

go Australia!!!

;)

once again

i know that You won't answer my prayer through this. but i believe that You always hear those who asked from You. and now i ask YOU to save it for me cause i seriously need it. bring it back again like You once grant me with it. i only said it because i mean it. and i mean cause it's true.

p/s: i'm at the edge of my emotion and i'm watching the shadows burning in the dark.

preterm

i hate when i'm sick and tell my mum about it, and she asked what i have done this time and i said i jogged yesterday and she answered me something like- 'you know you were born premature, why on earth you tiring yourself with things like that? and now you're getting sick and we're not there. who's going to take care of you? bla...bla...bla...mum!!!

commitment

i don't know why i always have our little talk with mum in the early hour. she called me after subuh this morning and asked whether i'm good alone here in bukit garam. then i said 'never feel better. this is what i want in the first place. to be alone.' and she began to ramble about her worry towards my attitude. she said that it's not surprised her that my old self came back. i used to be this way. i used to lock myself in my room and read. just read. and now that's what i do. i go back early to bukit garam. lock myself in our house. no contact to the outside world except for some certain people. and read. i like it this way. reserved. always be.

a childhood friend, Noran Roland is getting married tomorrow to an Australian. a relatives. almost all of my childhood friends already tying their knot. it's like i'm the last single girl. none of their reception i did attend. each of them. hazramy's, hairul's, ellina's, bia's. anything that has to do with commitment and human relationship are far beyond me. i'm not allergic to it. i just want to avoid it. i'm protecting myself. i hate making this choice but i just have to do it. i once chose to be in a relationship for 5 years. what did i get from it? bruises. and some experience. why? because i don't know how to choose between two people. i picked the wrong guy. i'm scared of the commitment that the other one offered to me. it's too much. something that i can't handle. so i decided not to get myself in any relationship other than friend. yes, i do admit that i flirt here and there. i just love doing it. i love to see that rosy cheeks. the call me back things. it makes me feel that i'm still good in it. i don't lost my charm. is it wrong? no, right?

seniors at school keep forcing me to get married. i don't know what to say to them. i don't want to surprise them with my silly answer. so i just said 'why should i get married when i have a very hot handsome and sensuous guy cooking dinner every single night for me?'-referring to Nizuan. i'll be losing this privilege once i bond to someone. i won't be able to hang out with joild, amir and iwan at their place until midnight. i can't laugh my ass out until dawn with fizzy. and i simply can't enjoy my talk with dwayne babe at nafilah eating his 'roti tissue' until 11pm. the truth is, i don't want to loose my freedom. i'm not ready for it. lonely? how can i feel lonely when i have 5 monsters to enjoy with. it's different though. i know. they not filling the empty space deep in my heart. it's okay. i kind of enjoying the hole. wise saying 'once you're in love, prepare some space for hatred in your heart'. i actually don't want to prepare for that thing. that's why i avoid it. i don't want to get hurt. not again. and the tendency for me to hurt someone is bigger than they might hurt me. i know i'm young. but i always have this self-protection thing. if i knew that thing can harm me, i'd be delighted to stay as far as i can from it. am i a coward? yes, i am. but i'm a cold blood person. the last person you want to mess with is me. i can be as mean as i can if i'm hurt. so once bitten, i guess twice shy. i'm tired of man blaming me.

despite all the things i ramble here, still if i ever met someone who share the same passion towards books, towards literature, someone who can listen to jazz and can sing along with me proudly in front of others, someone who listens to The Carnival, someone who has a problem in texting while walking or doing other chores, someone who totally can't juggle two things at one time, someone who only has one phone because he doesn't know how to handle two phones, someone who grew up reading Smash Hits and Big and still keep the goody that comes with it, someone who enjoy jasmine green tea and white toblerone, then maybe i consider about getting married. oh...i met this guy. i'm just waiting for him to reach out for me.

mcAvoy

:once the queen is dead, the king is useless...
:what's that about?
:i don't know. maybe he's too depressed to fight. he really loves her, you know...

:yeah, i can see that.

:my queen to yours. checkmate.

indah bukan?

Long have I endured in my life

The pain and sorrows from Love arise

Then you came and redeemed me, my dear,

My only hope in my darkest fears

Because of you, I yearn to be alive

Because of you, ‘till death (you) must realize

In my heart I know there is only you

And ask my heart, you’ll know that this is true

Because of you, I found happiness

That to you I offer this love that is so blessed

Though indeed I may be a slave for loving you so true

It matters not to me, ‘cause everything’s because of you

p/s: tidak. saya belum temu kan cinta itu. belum. tidak mungkin. kali.

two=crowded

me, my dad and mum, we're always have this talk whenever i'm home for a holiday. they just curious why suddenly i changed for this past few years. i rarely go out like i used to do. i know that i'm getting bored. and i don't have any life except bukit garam-work-tawau-holiday. i just don't have the heart for anything. i'm losing my touch since the moment i reach bukit garam. it's not that outback. but that place changed me for who i am right now. i becoming more reserved. less-talkative. i don't mingle with my circle anymore. every time people ask me to go out, i always turn them down with so many excuse when in fact i'm just too lazy to move my butt off my mum's bed. my eyes stick to the tv when i'm in tawau. i cannot stand crowd. and what worse, i start to feel uncomfortable every time all my family gather at our place. i feel like want to go home, i mean to bukit garam right at that moment. and dad can sense it. like few nights ago, my sister and my brothers were having barbecue at our yard. i just don't feel like to mingle so i decided to sleep early. it's because i just don't have the heart. i'm kind of used to be alone. i love my solidarity. i love how me and fizzy spend our time on our own at our house in bukit garam. she's doing her things in her room while i'm doing mine. i prefer something like that.

see...that's how i feel about my family. let alone someone else. one of my brother try to talk to me this evening about my attitude. it really pissed me off. i don't know why. i know he meant for good. i said nothing. i'm getting worse than ever. this is not what i want in life. i know everyone miss the cute me. the charming me. the cuddly me who always have a stupid joke with my brothers. i lost the laugh. i lost the smile. and i know they know it. i'm sorry. i should not. i know how you guys miss your baby sis. just give me some time to enjoy the loneliness.

and to my close friends, sorry for the turn down invitation.

p/s: i think i'm having a problem.

super duper confession

i've been spending the whole day reading back all the things i wrote here since the first entry post. i'm good with language. blog is my playground. it's my therapy. i wrote every shit i want. i ramble. a lot. i have one thing to say though it is so hard for me to admit it. but here i am. proudly to say that:

i am jiwang.

unbelievable? check this entry. so cheesy...uwwekkk!!!

life so far

i went to a clinic yesterday to accompany my bff, harny to do some monthly check up. she's pregnant now. i happen to listen to her baby's heart beat. i'm so excited. speechless. euphoric. it's totally miracles. i know how much i want that thing inside of me too. but i'm too scared of commitment. i'm not ready for a married life. it sucks. i know. i saw people get hurt form commitment. though i try to be positive by saying 'just look at your parents and family'. they different. they are lucky to have each other as their partner. i hate hurting people. let alone to be hurt by others. that's why i chose to avoid it. i've been without it for almost 3 years now. i must say 2011 is the most effing fun year. i just love my current life so much until i want to marry it. marrying myself and what so-called inside it. nutsy!!!

it's almost a week i'm home now. i've been spending most time with my beloved Marsden Abden. i love going out with my dad for some unacceptable reason.

1. i don't have to drive.

2. any expense is not come out from my humble purse.

3. i can put anything in the trolley without think twice.

4. i can eat everywhere i want, from mamak house to italian restaurant.

i just love big daddy.

receive few complaint from everyone.

1. you're getting bored.

2. you're no longer full of fun.

3. you don't flirt anymore so we can get discount when dine in.

4. you don't talk that much.

5. you look like 2 months pregnant.

6. get a life.

the number 6 is the most stink one. it's from abang man.

p/s: have you ever met a girl like me before?

: never.

-is it a good thing or not?

running

Tahashshunan Mujadid Ariffin is so handsome.

i just can't get enough of his street smart look.

that's it.

that's all i have to say again and again.

by the way, he is 16.

and he is my student.

i wish he's 26.

;p

p/s: dia juga sedap bau nya. i should ask what perfume did he used.

numeric

with his checkered shirt on

sitting there

teaching number and maths

and his smell lingering me

hot kan?

turn me on...

kaf alif wau ya nun

kak jum: kawin la kau cepat. banyak kebaikan nya.

me: ......................................................................

a small kindness like helping me to take my test paper from the copy room, really touch my heart. really make my day.

finally my monday morning is bless with his smell again.

content.

min puj

student: cantik nya kuku teacher.

me : ada ka lagi benda lain yang kamu mau puji?

and my morning always start with "Morning Miss Beautiful" by a handsome form 6 student, Russel...;)

fallire

i miss this smell. my morning won't be the same without it.

that friday night

we went for our ritual ladies' night out last night. but this time we move a little early as we want to have lunch at this Chinese restaurant. but we couldn't make it. so we settle every thing first. doing some errands. buying fridge and washing machines. after that we went to Seventh Heaven because Amoi was so dying to have an ice cream. i take my tea time there with a sour plum juice and a hot dog. yummy. then we went to a book fair at Yu Yuan hall. got myself two new books. The Kite Runner and The Art of Marriage. i just trying to look for some sense why people want to commit in such huge commitment called matrimony. so far i'm in page 24 and i must say i still don't get the real reason behind a wedlock except in the name of religion requirement. seriously, i'm not the kind of girl who would spend the rest of her life tolerant to someone else. i can be devoted to you but i won't listen to you. i can't spend the rest of my life having someone to deal with. i mean i used to make my own decision, but i can't think of having someone that i need to consider in decision making. let alone letting someone considered about myself. i'm not ready for things like that. never mind. when the time come, only then maybe, just maybe i might be ready for it. for this time being, mum and dad, let's pretend that you guys are happy for whatever things i cause, shall we?

later that evening, we went to Ba Lin Restaurant at Nak Hotel roof top to watch the sunset. an incident happened. it's totally funny to me but i don't know to some people like you. we did not order this drink named Mohito. so i just said it's okey. i'm kind of thirsty. a glass of cranberry won't be enough. so i asked the waiter whether it contain liquor or not. he said no. so i took a sip. it's nice. kind of minty and soury. definitely because of the peppermint and plum. suddenly i feel a bit dizzy and can't stop laughing and whine. i told them that i'm drunk. they don't believe me. then my face became red. i look at budak kecik. she silent. as if she was shocked with the things happened. she said go to the toilet and throw out. i said later. i asked amoi to double check with the waiter. it turns out that the drink contain rum. so i was okey la. it's not like it's my first time drinking. but i didn't expect doing that thing with my shawl on. haha...i used to drink margarita and other cocktail. but the effect is different with this one. i can't stop laughing for quite some time. i have to close my mouth with my hand to avoid me from making any scene. i just don't want to embarrass them. so i took some time to calm down and drink a plenty of juice even fizzy's. we took a stroll down the genting mas to make me sober. so when i'm okey, we drive to Post office to have our dinner. then go back home. i feel sorry to fizzy. i just don't expect her to witness such thing. and i'm sorry for myself for once again touching those kind of things. even accidentally. i did throw out after that.

so that's it.

brownies

i just have to say this ya'll...

my oh my, Tahashshunan is so handsome...and charming too...and gorgeous...

i wonder if that boy smell nicely. am i allowed to smell a teenage boy in front of his friends?

p/s: i'm in love with Josh Rouse...kau kenal ka sepa dia?

the art of utter

i don't know what's with some people who never learn to say 'thank you'. it is very hard for them to say this two meaningful words. it's like as if they going to loose their pride in front of others. i don't ask you to pay me back for my kindness. all i want is just to hear the 'thank you' word and i'll be okey. but it seems like i won't get it no matter how long i wait for it cause you are that kind of person. the kind who never be grateful for things people do for you. all you care is about yourself and your own satisfaction. sometimes i do pity you for not realizing this sort of thing. i think you need someone to knock some sense to you. definitely not me cause i don't think i would spend another minute talking to a person like you. and the fact that you no longer a friend of mine, makes my life even brighter. even funnier. cause i don't have to deal with a snob like you.

like i said before, learn the art of thanking and grateful.

brutal heart

ode to a nightingale

My heart aches, and a drowsy numbness pains
My sense, as though of hemlock I had drunk,
Or emptied some dull opiate to the drains
One minute past, and Lethe-wards had sunk:
'Tis not through envy of thy happy lot,
But being too happy in thine happiness, -
That thou, light-winged Dryad of the trees,
In some melodious plot
Of beechen green and shadows numberless,
Singest of summer in full-throated ease.

O, for a draught of vintage! that hath been
Cool'd a long age in the deep-delved earth,
Tasting of Flora and the country green,
Dance, and Provençal song, and sunburnt mirth!
O for a beaker full of the warm South,
Full of the true, the blushful Hippocrene,
With beaded bubbles winking at the brim,
And purple-stained mouth;
That I might drink, and leave the world unseen,
And with thee fade away into the forest dim:

Fade far away, dissolve, and quite forget
What thou among the leaves hast never known,
The weariness, the fever, and the fret
Here, where men sit and hear each other groan;
Where palsy shakes a few, sad, last gray hairs,
Where youth grows pale, and spectre-thin, and dies;
Where but to think is to be full of sorrow
And leaden-eyed despairs,
Where Beauty cannot keep her lustrous eyes,
Or new Love pine at them beyond to-morrow.

Away! away! for I will fly to thee,
Not charioted by Bacchus and his pards,
But on the viewless wings of Poesy,
Though the dull brain perplexes and retards:
Already with thee! tender is the night,
And haply the Queen-Moon is on her throne,
Cluster'd around by all her starry Fays;
But here there is no light,
Save what from heaven is with the breezes blown
Through verdurous glooms and winding mossy ways.

I cannot see what flowers are at my feet,
Nor what soft incense hangs upon the boughs,
But, in embalmed darkness, guess each sweet
Wherewith the seasonable month endows
The grass, the thicket, and the fruit-tree wild;
White hawthorn, and the pastoral eglantine;
Fast fading violets cover'd up in leaves;
And mid-May's eldest child,
The coming musk-rose, full of dewy wine,
The murmurous haunt of flies on summer eves.

Darkling I listen; and, for many a time
I have been half in love with easeful Death,
Call'd him soft names in many a mused rhyme,
To take into the air my quiet breath;
Now more than ever seems it rich to die,
To cease upon the midnight with no pain,
While thou art pouring forth thy soul abroad
In such an ecstasy!
Still wouldst thou sing, and I have ears in vain -
To thy high requiem become a sod.

Thou wast not born for death, immortal Bird!
No hungry generations tread thee down;
The voice I hear this passing night was heard
In ancient days by emperor and clown:
Perhaps the self-same song that found a path
Through the sad heart of Ruth, when, sick for home,
She stood in tears amid the alien corn;
The same that oft-times hath
Charm'd magic casements, opening on the foam
Of perilous seas, in faery lands forlorn.

Forlorn! the very word is like a bell
To toll me back from thee to my sole self!
Adieu! the fancy cannot cheat so well
As she is fam'd to do, deceiving elf.
Adieu! adieu! thy plaintive anthem fades
Past the near meadows, over the still stream,
Up the hill-side; and now 'tis buried deep
In the next valley-glades:
Was it a vision, or a waking dream?
Fled is that music: - Do I wake or sleep?

looking for his smell...

what excite me

satu kelebihan mengajar sesi pagi ialah bila jumaat tiba. saya boleh terus memecut pulang ke tawau dan spend satu malam lebih awal berbanding mengajar sesi petang. seawal pukul 4 kelmarin saya sudah berada di rumah. heaven bukan?

tapi bukan itu cerita sebenar. saya pulang sendiri kelmarin. budak kecik right behind me. tidak sanggup untuk bersama-sama memecut kereta 60-70km/j. hujan agak lebat sepanjang perjalanan dari bukit garam ke lahad datu. setiba nya di lahad datu, hujan sudah berhenti. now this is the real deal. keluar dari shell perdana, saya diiringi vios SS8**** K. i don't even know this guy and that damn car. but something caught my attention. the driver. he is a young bold guy. quite sexy in my eyes. tidak juga handsome. tapi ada kan jenis lelaki yang makin pandang makin handsome. atau lebih senang cakap, makin terserlah kejantanan di wajah nya. ya. saya biasa nya akan melt dengan lelaki seperti ini. dia seperti ingin cepat. saya pun memerlahan kan kenderaan untuk dia memotong. dia overtake saya. but then when he's right in front of me, suddenly he slow down his car and wave his hand signaled me to overtake him. and i was like whattafish he trying to do. i just ignore him. but he keep waving and signaling me to overtake him. so i did overtake him. stupidly, i slow down my car. i can see he smiling and laughed through my mirror. cute. it excited me a little bit. this silly thing we keep doing. macam bangang ja dua-dua. lama tidak rasa perasaan itu. perasaan bodoh. tau? faham? tidak kan? saya memang suka benda bodoh begini. but driving slow bored me. so i overtake the next car in front living him alone behind. surprisingly, dia bodoh-bodoh pun ikut overtake and when he right behind me, he highlighted me and smiling. cukup bodoh. dan bila penat saya pun biar dia begitu dan cuba ikut rentak nya. saya pun enjoy the moment spending my time checking him out through my mirror. naughty smile with a long straight nose. i think he is mix. lama sudah tidak jumpa lelaki kacak. everyone here, i mean in bukit garam have this very typical Sungai face or some Malay face.

i have this boy in my drama team which i think is so handsome. street smart look. cute with his glasses but when he is without, he looks totally ordinary. weird right how simple accessory can do big different to someone's face. but still he do look handsome. and i like his sort-of-carrot pants. it makes he looks like someone from the indie band. by the way, if anyone from school is reading this, go check him out at 4 Anggerik class. his name is Tahashshunan. see...even his name sound so erotic. haha.

home is heaven. because abang man is in leave for two days to attend his wife's niece's wedding and we can spend some time together. i like talking to him. we're having fun laughing last night while watching Animal Planet. his favorite. suddenly he asked me, how's my favorite guy. and i kinda not in the mood to talk about him. so i just said he is doing good and we doing just fine. nothing interesting happen this whole month and we spend our time try to live our life in our own. it's actually more to me trying to live without talking much to him. and i softly said to abang man that i miss someone i can called my man. so to soothe the tense, i laughed and deny it. again yeah, i miss him badly.

p/s: despite all the things that excite me, still i wish it is not that vios right behind my back. i secretly wish it's che maznah...;)

man

nice kan lelaki yang groom? i mean the not-gay one. a straight guy who take care of everything. from the cleanness to the smell and the most updated fashion. nice.

mau satu, boleh? mana mau cari?

again, i miss his smell. and i miss him.

imagination running wild

it would be great if i have a kitchen like this later. i won't mind spending 24/7 in the kitchen cooking and experimenting. no. i won't mind sitting at the table waiting for him to cook or even just starring at him cooking. that would be sexier. man in kitchen totally turn me on. damn!!! imagine he was standing there wearing a boxer and a white pagoda complete with an apron holding a scoop making dinner for me, suddenly he turn around and i can see a food over his mouth and all i have to do is move closer to him, bent a little bit and lick his mouth. a short lick that lead to long nice kiss perhaps. yeay!!! too much imagination. or maybe all i have to do is waiting for him and do what i do best: to be feed. haha...nice kan? enough la, dey!!!

p/s: i miss that smell. i miss talking to him. i miss his cooking. it's been ages since he cooked for me. damn...sulking is taking into a new level of stupidity. Gowd!!! i miss him.

p/s/s: just now i'm teaching my students using the British accent and they kind of like it. they said i sound like the guys from Harry Potter. i like when they enjoy my lesson. we should do this more often...;)

seeking

Happy Birthday big daddy, Mr. Marsden Abden. you matters a lot to me. i won't promise anything right now cause i know how hard keeping a little words i said.

so they said blogging is one way of seeking attention or in my current term: melacur perhatian. if you asked me why i blog, i don't have many reason. i blog because i can get therapy for free. seriously, other than your bestest friend, who wants to listen to your rant? rambling, mumbling, whining? especially me. i talk lots and lots of stupid things every day. don't think budak kecik can stand me. not even my own parents. when i'm having bad day at home, instead of letting me ramble about my stupid day, daddy usually goes like "i think it's time for you to spend some time out of the house". then i understand what he meant. and then i start blogging two or three years ago. like i said, this isn't my first blog. i deactivated the others because it's pack and loaded with my idiotique moment. to tell you the truth, i do feel a little regret for deleting it. blog is totally a repository. writing is one way of recording my thoughts, things happened. documenting every single thing of life no matter how mean it can be sometimes. i know some day when i grow old and this thing still here, i would have a blast reading back my story. i don't care if people say bad things about me for being so open about my feelings, my thoughts about every thing. saying that i'm such barefaced talking about my 'tangoing alone'. i don't care. at least some day when i read back what i wrote, i'll be laughing my arse out. or at least it can remind me of him and all the memories we shared. how he used to cook for me. texting me with a sweet little thing that only us can understand. it is indeed will remind me how much i love his smell or how i adore his sexy ass. definitely will remind me of how a friends used to say that i have such a bad taste to fall for him. but in case we're meant to be together, things will be different i guess. this blog for sure will be a reminder for me when things turn so ugly on my side later, it'll remind me how much i want him. maybe. anything is possible, right?

or maybe one day i'll be the principal or whatever the superior is, when i read back about my early years of teaching, it'll remind me how i used to be such ill-disciplined teacher back in my younger years. why am i writing something like this? as if i'm going to die or something.

while having lunch at the school canteen just now with two not-so-new male teacher, we're having some argument about me not taking a good care of budak kecik and caused her sick. i start questioning who's cooking dinner every night and taking care of her well being. and suddenly this male teacher said "hey, i'm looking for a girl. it seems like i have to reject both of you because you keep asking each other the good things you do to yourself". i laughed cause it's totally funny to me. budak kecik out of the blue said "take her. take her. she's single". i was like whattaFendi. i secretly pray that this male teacher won't fall for it. he is single. actually both of them are single. you know i don't like people having that kind of feeling towards me. it makes me feel awkward. before things turn out not-so-beautiful, let's pretend that we don't have any affection, shall we...;)

lately being single doesn't bother me at all. as long as big bird is still single and always be there for me, it's fine. it is really fine actually cause i love be around him. no. i like when he's around me. it makes me feel safer. it's like he is my protector. i don't know which one is which. whenever we talk together, just the two of us, i feel like i'm talking to a soul mate. he understand me the way i want to be understood. it's like he is the male version of me. we even can complete each other sentences. as if we can read each other's mind. but i just couldn't feel the spark between us. he is more than a friend to me but less than him because my heart is always belong to him. confused me. haha.

talking about him, i miss him so much. it's totally killing me to not talking to him. not be able to be close to him when that smell of him seductively lingering my surrounding. i so hate the fact that i can't say how sexy is he today or just to say that his tie doesn't match his shirt. how he not supposed to wear that loose pants again cause it never look good on him. the fact that i prohibit myself to text him wishing his 'every month' birthday, commenting his fb, liking his picture is so damn stupid. he just don't know how much i want to spend some time to talk our stupid things or just saying bad things about other people and laugh about it. and when he talk to me, it's like i want him to talk more even if it's just some official business. whenever i caught his eyes on me, i feel like want to run to him and asking him to say sorry to me. at least stop being a jerk and admit he hurt me. that's all i want actually. a little sorry. an apology.

p/s: jelaskan.

home coming queen

i don't know this girl but lately i spent my time reading her blog. it excites me in a weird way. all she talks about was her day at school and her boyfriend. i feel like i want to steal the boyfriend from her. it's not like she posted his picture or whatever to make me in love with that guy. the way she described him. the attitude. the silliness. the funniness in him makes me want him more and more. he so stupid but she is one damn lucky girl to have someone like him.

it is so unfair for me when others start doing wrong things but never get caught by the highest because no one care to report about it. and when i'm the one who did it, i'm sure the next thing you know, i'll be in the Principal's room answering every single question. i'm not complaining or whatever. it's just please open your eyes. see what you supposed to see. not seeing what do you want to see. for example, i noticed this particular girl likes to wear kurung moden. the one that hugging your body tightly. but no one is complaining about her. NO ONE. and it remind me when i'm still new here, i used to wear that kind of kurung (i still wear it until right now though) i've been called to the superior's room. so i told a guy friend about this. he said something stupid that makes me want to slap him but i just couldn't because he did make a point. he said that girl did not bother anyone at all as she's having not-so-curvy body. and according to him, when i'm the one who wear something like that, every penis in the school will be distracted by me. i was like whattafish are you talking about? she's a girl and i'm a girl. so what's the different? and he said try to see it in a boy's eyes. well, i could not blame you neither blaming me. it's a gift. haha...

it's not like i love to minta puji or whatever. but every day is like a home coming season and i'm the home coming queen. i used to tell him that i'm their home coming queen and guess what i've got? a smirk. i know he could not agree more with the students...;p i'm bumping to a students almost every day at school and it is never a day i missed such a compliment saying how i look pretty today. how good my baju kurung is. how i should wearing kurung cotton every day cause it looks cute on me. how glowing i am. i'm flattered. i do. but the problem is, i'm kind of shy whenever they said good things in front of others. yes. it is indeed the truth. i'm a shy cat. you can't just go and say good things to me in front of the others. i'll get tongue tied and blushing. but it is never a wrong things to dress up. i always make sure that my clothes are pressed and look neat and tidy. it is a nice thing to know that such tiny things like looking good can make a difference. i am not a person who like to spend hours getting ready to school. i always late because i have problem in time management in shower. i am a rather simple person who keeps accesorizing minimal. i don't wear heavy make up. not even a foundation or blusher. i'm just using Loreal White Perfect with Silky White Magic Face Powder. a lipstick and eyeliner. well, that's me. it still nice to see all the students excited. i'm used to the younger ones telling me i look pretty cause they like to say nice things. but the older ones are a little bit reserved especially the upper six. so when they gave that kind of unexpected response, it's not really surprised me...;p but it do made me feel so very happy...;)