my weakness

current obsession..;)

melting to the lowest level...drooling...someone please wipe my saliva

qs, rip curl or billabong always define a hot guy

can a guy be any hotter than this in a checkered shirt????

oooppss...sorry...wrong picture

;p

i mean this one

oh my ALLAH, You put me on fire with this one.

p/s: selamat bermimpi di datangi Hood Herlino malam ini. silap lagi. maksud saya Dude Herlino.

rant

one of the best therapy when you stuck at such outback place like bukit garam is going to fung ming, buy junky and eat it in your car while driving alone roaming places.

it's even a bonus when you bump into a cute guy driving his daddy's car and then you realize he is one of the students at school who's now growing up and turn into some kind of yummy brownies. and when he honk you, you suddenly coy and wave him and give your best smile ever. i am a sweet girl and i love to flirt. hehe.

and when people trying to say things like 'life will get better. everything is going to be okay'. you just smile at them and you may curse them silently cause you know pretty well that they are just a bunch of liar who think they can make you feel good about your life when they know nothing about life cause they just so damn lucky to have those who love them.

i sometimes feel like i've been cheated by the Big Guy up there. astaghfirullahalazim. seriously, i'm tired of everything. my life is a mess and i'm a deep shit. i keep avoiding phone call from everyone. i shouldn't have own phone in the first place.

now now, go take your wudhuk and recite the Holy Quran and try to comprehend the meaning and digest it into your beautiful mind. now that i have my Tafsir with english translation, i love it even more. may it brings Barakah to me.

communication is the key to a success relationship

finished reading this book when i'm in my parents place. it is about an arranged marriage between Nina and Ananda. i wonder what it feels like to marry with someone you don't know but you have to just to please every one. just to make things worse, Ananda is having PE (premature ejaculation). i know it's hard for both side. Nina with her unsatisfied needs and Ananda with his own dilemma. but they manage to get through it eventually. i think Eastern guy should learn to explore their body. know what can bring them pleasure and try to relax. most of all is you have to know your body and be comfortable with it.

a good read for a newlyweds i think. so that they can learn how to give and take in relationship. just a small advice from this Miss-act-like-I-know-everything-about-marriage, to the ladies, demand less. and to the guys, you have to learn to listen and observe. and for the record, put aside your bloody ego.

i can no longer hold the lonesome

after what happened between KA and me a few years ago, i find hard for myself to be in love again. i thought i can't let myself drown into the idea of having someone occupying my universe. it is really hard actually. especially if you're living in my surrounding where people expect you to live your life the normal way. i mean, a girl should be out dating a guy her heart desire. moreover for someone like me. according to them (who didn't know me that well), i'm a successful girl with a bright future and good looking with a pleasant attitude. according to them cause this is what i used to hear every time i'm engaged in any family event. "cantik, cikgu english lagi, tak pandai keluar rumah". they don't know that people like them is the real reason i'm avoiding myself to mingle. i hate with all the questions that i don't have any answer to please them.

i'm going to be 27 this year. to me age is just a number. but my body clock is ticking. i'm not going to bored you with all the details i have every time i face the mirror. the complain is always killing me. but deep inside my body, my womb, my ovaries, my uterus, the unfertilised eggs that were expelled every month, what about them? they were busy marking every passing second of my life. this is the biggest problem. every night i dream of a warm embrace from a guy i longed to put a seed inside of me so it will grow to be infant in my belly. every time i see a caring husband with her pregnant wife, i feel like want to hug the girl telling how lucky she is to have the most precious gift in her life. i know my time will come eventually. but when?

yesterday i went out with babby and leon. we talked about everything. leon pop up a question to me about getting married cause she's going to tie the knot real soon. insyaAllah. suddenly i can no longer hold myself. i almost burst into tears but i control it knowing that we're in a restaurant that time. but i can't help myself to meroyan. i usually meditated myself in my room chanting "mau kawin, mau kawin, mau kawin". but yesterday out of the blue i did it in front of them. they seem surprised and asked me to stop. but i can't hold myself. i keep on chanting it but this time with his name at the end of the sentences. i can feel the warm crystal in my eyes. and i can see the pity on their faces. but i don't need the pity. i just need them to know that i myself wants to get married to. it's just a matter of time or in my case, it's just a matter of time, my heart and him.

i've been in love with the same guy for as long as i could remember. i've always have this kind of question : why him? when will i ever stop waiting for him? aren't the waiting itself is hurt enough? i'll wait for him. i don't know until when. but if we're not fated to be together, never mind. for the time being let me enjoy watching him watching me. let me enjoy the secret glance, secret smile. the waiting is hurt more when you keep urging me with the same question over and over again. it's not me who wants this. it's not even my fault for having this stubborn heart. i am someone like this. i set myself into something, i can never unset it to something else. just like the previous relationship. someone knock my door and i let him enter. he remained there until he grew tired and find a new playmate. left me broken hearted. reminds me of an email i received from a guy friend few weeks ago. "a girl like you will always like the hard way when it comes to love. it's because you don't wait for Mr.Right to be right, but you wait the right one to be your Mr.Right". and i know he's one of the person in the list that i turn down for this past few years. i'm sorry.

to you,

i'll wait for you. i wait for some amount of time. i'm just sitting there waiting. you know where to find me. don't feel pressure. i'm not putting any on you. it's your heart. doesn't matter how much i love you. knock my door when you completely ready. when your heart really empty. when it's really clean from the past. cause just like i don't want to force myself for someone else, i don't want you to force yourself for me. i've seen the tortured. i've watched the abused. i don't want to sing the same song my friends sang. i want our song to be the love song. that's all i ask.

periuk nasi

ada orang macam cuba tabur pasir dalam periuk nasi saya. apa la saya mau makan ni? sudah la beras saya cap dua naga. mahal tu. kamu makan beras Nasional ja pun.

ada cerita best dalam periuk saya. baru-baru ni, ada dapat cerita beras kecil mengadu dengan periuk lain pasal saya tidak tau buat kerja saya. konon nya saya hanya tau bercakap saja dalam periuk. banyak mulut. atau saya quote terus la isi nya "we don't like teacher zila. she doesn't teach us properly. she likes to talk a lot". ada lagi versi verbal nya, "dia suka layan budak lelaki ja". comel. hebat. bijak dan berani bertindak. saya suka beras kecil dalam periuk saya ni. tapi dia mess dengan periuk yang salah. dia mungkin tidak pernah menonton movie Don't Mess with the Zohan. ini versi Don't Mess with Zila. kau anak ADUN kawasan ni sekali pun saya tidak gentar. benda ni sebenar nya pernah berlaku waktu season 1 dulu. masa tu saya baru beli periuk ni. exactly the same. aduan nya tu sebijik sama. eventually beras-beras kecil itu mulai kenal siapa bperiuk zila ni. akhir nya, beras-beras kecil ini la yang hampir setiap kali berjumpa saya minta di ajar di periuk baru nya.

saya periuk yang profesional. jadi saya nasihat beras-beras kecil ini untuk belajar cara hidup dalam periuk baru. kalau ada persoalan atau ketidakfahaman, saya suruh mereka jenguk-jenguk periuk saya. siapa tahu saya boleh membantu. kembali kepada aduan beras kecil itu tadi. begini wahai beras kecil, kita hanya memula kan acara menanak nasi baru lapan hari saja. dan saya pun baru saja kenal dengan kamu. normal la kalau kita belum punya sesi tanakan yang serius. beras mungkin boleh jadi keras atau kelembekan sebab terlebih atau terkurang air. saya juga percaya kamu masih dalam honeymoon mood. kalau saya ajar teknik menanak nasi yang serius, pasti kamu boring, bukan? lagi pula kamu tidak tau lagi jenis beras dan periuk ini. tentang saya lebih suka melayan beras lelaki tu pula, komen nya simple saja. lain periuk lain approach nya. saya suka berkawan dengan beras-beras dalam periuk saya terlebih dahulu sebelum mulai menanak nasi. dan selalu nya saya cuba berkawan dengan beras yang paling nakal dan rebel dulu. bila sudah tackle hati mereka baru la saya mula kan dengan yang lain. saya ini bukan gatal periuk nya. tapi lumrah la. kalau periuk perempuan, pasti tertarik dengan beras lelaki yang cantik bersih lagi wangi. itu saja. simple kan. satu pesanan dari saya buat kamu si beras kecil, lain kali, ada apa-apa kekurangan dengan periuk saya, jumpa saya terus dan kasi tau la saya. saya ni flexible orang nya. mampu menerima pandangan orang lain. bukan buat busuk begini. sekarang ni periuk saya sudah terbakar sedikit. mungkin nasi yang bakal di tanak nanti tidak begitu harum bau didihan nya. atau paling kurang pun, berjumpa la dengan beras-beras saya yang kini sudah menjadi nasi-nasi yang berbau wangi dan lagi maha sedap rasa nya sehingga membuat kan periuk-periuk lain berasa gentar untuk menukar nya kepada resepi lain. nasi yang sedap dan wangi di masak apa pun pasti jadi lebih sedap. percaya la.

saya sebenar nya tidak begitu terasa hati dengan beras kecil ini. dia hanya la beras kecil yang belum matang lagi. tapi saya sedikit terkilan dengan periuk nasi tempat aduan si beras kecil. sampai hati dia mengutara kan hal ini kepada si kawah besar. sepatut nya periuk ini berbincang dengan saya dahulu tentang perkara ini. mau-mau lagi bila kami teman seperiuk. rasa di tikam dari belakang. periuk boleh di tikam ka? silap. rasa seperti wayar penyambung tenaga periuk saya di putus kan dari belakang. saya tidak tau apa niat sang periuk ini. saya terasa seperti kredibiliti periuk saya di pertikai kan. memang la saya ni cuma periuk nasi digital Panasonic. saya bukan la periuk nasi Electrolux atau Tefal. tapi saya juga mampu di guna kan untuk memasak nasi. mungkin periuk kamu begitu hebat. kenapa tidak kamu masak semua beras-beras yang ada di sini. moga-moga semua nya menjadi nasi yang begitu sedap dan harum bau nya. saya rasa seperti periuk saya di hempas dari tempat yang tinggi lalu di pijak-pijak dan menunggu waktu untuk di buang. saya sedikit sebanyak putus harapan untuk menanak nasi. mungkin periuk saya boleh di tukar fungsi menjadi steamer.

ikhlas dari saya yang sedang cuba membersih kan pasir dalam periuk saya ini.

p/s: makan cili terasa pedas nya. buat kamu yang kurang kerjaan nya tu, boleh la print out entry ni dan lekat di papan kenyataan.

indah nya ciptaan Allah

sederhana tapi begitu menarik perhatian.

p/s: sedang imagine dia pakai baju Galang nya di hari Jumaat...;)

kata lidah

i wrote bad things about people.

i write because i love to.

i write to express my feelings.

i write to achieve catharsis.

i write because it's a cheaper therapy that i could get.

you may read.

you may like it.

you may judge me.

you may say bad things about me behind my back.

but who ask you to print out my writing? asshole!!! get a life!!!

chasing pavement

dia sibuk mengejar masa silam nya sedang kan aku mengejar nya kini.

masing-masing tidak lelah biar pun sakit meruntun jiwa.

di bawah lindungan ka'bah

hasil pemerhatian saya:

reciting Holy Quran is the best remedy for the gering heart. true story.

it kills the soul once you said it's over

it's raining outside since morning. it's been raining since i was here 3 days ago. i'm not a big fan of humid. cold always freaks me out. i love sunny day. it helps me sleep at noon. it helps me sleep now. in this rainy days. but it doesn't give me the rest i need. i'm not satisfied every time i woke up. i'm not full. i'm still hungry from the sleep. i'm starving for another sleep. i don't sweat. that's why. i hate not be able to make my bed cause i spent so much time on it. i only wake up to eat, bath and solat. i'm glued to the bed. i'm sick of it. can't go out. it makes me thinking. hate it even more. i'm supposed to be happy but i'm not. too many things i have in mind lately.

i changed every password i have. phone, google account, facebook account, cimbclicks account. i try to run as far as i can from him. too bad. when i'm alone, i always think "sudah kahwin ka dia?" or things like "is he happy?" or "does she love him the way i did?".

i hate January. his birthday and our anniversary. just great!!!

JT

every time i watch Friends With Benefits, it always occurred in my mind "indah nya ciptaan Tuhan". referring to JT off course. seriously guys, he is so damn hot in that movie. no one pull jeans like he did. don't even ask when he is in a suit. but with that body i think i prefer he to be naked all the time. haha.