being my dad's girl

people just don't know how lucky i am to have a father like this man. he always know what is best for me. he never complaint. he just accept his surrounding the way it comes to him. he is my real bestfriend. let see how cool this father of mine until i can talk about almost everything i want to him. he listen to me and always fill me with his wisdom words. this man is the reason why i end up doing TESL in U. this man is the reason why i end up being a teacher in Kinabatangan right now. this man is the real reason why i'm breathing right this moment. i love him so much and i don't know why i wake up this morning with the urge writing about you, dad.
you know what they said about dady's girl? pampered. spoilt. such a babe. let me tell you people. i'm none of those things. my dad taught me how to be independent in my own way. though still i'm such a brat. but i know how to run things the way it should be. but in the middle of it, i always go back to him crying asking for help. whenever i'm in doubt, you help me. whenever i'm in trouble, my mind, mindsetly saying "i should've listen to dad". he's totally a glue when i'm apart. the best things of all, he never say NO to me. he let me learn from my mistake then help me through it. dad, you were there last year when i'm so fuckingly down when he left. dad, you're the one who save me from my own stupidity. i remember when i was a kid, dad is the one who used to take care of me whenever i'm sick. mum cannot stand me. i ask a lot from her. like real LOT. and i used to think mum don't love me as she loves my brother more. but when i grew up i just realize that abg ajid feel the same way to dad. he said dad loves me more. in fact they love both of us equally. hope so. for the rest, you guys already have your own family to love you.
i don't know what am i going to do living without my dad. first thing on my mind is who's going to prepare breakfast for me every morning when i'm at home? who's going to knock my door for the subuh prayer? who's going to help me choose a good guy for my new coming guy? =p
the main point is who's going to take a damn care of me?
my aunt just passed away yesterday. she is my dad's big sis. it makes me think. what's going to happen to me if Allah is taking my dad from me? i must say that i pray for the same things happen to me too. i know very well about the Qada and Qadar. but i'm not ready to loose anyone close right now. i'm just not ready. i'm just a baby. for God sake, i still don't know how to run my life. i pray harder everyday for Allah's blessing over my parrent. i can't live without them. it's okay if i have no guy for the rest of my life as long as i have them. Hj.Marsden Abden, you just don't know how much i love you.

p/s: Allah, i beg you not to take away anyone from me. not anymore please. let me be what i'm suppose to be before You grant me with Your hardest trial. Amen.

S Y A L

aku pun nda tau apa yang aku rasa sekarang ni. macam sial ja. ok sorry.
aku balik-balik say sorry dengan semua orang lately. aku tau mum ku sekarang pura-pura sihat for the sake of me. aku tau mum sakit. bapa pun cakap gitu.
tapi aku pun sakit. sakit jiwa. semua orang di rumah tau aku sakit jiwa. orang di luar ja nda tau. sepa orang di rumah tu? si mum sama si bapa. tadi siang aku gigit lutut mum sama perut bapa. kesakitan bapa ni. sampai-sampai aku kena bagi rm300 ja duit belanja sebab nda datang ilham nya mau kasi aku duit lebih kunun hari ni bilang nya. sedih kan. apa aku bikin beli tu duit? dua seluar track=rm189. teda kan track suit ku. nanti di umpat lagi aku memakai legging ke sekolah. sama dua potong kain, batik chiffon sama japanese cotton. lupa aku berapa tadi. itu pun tepaksa aku tambah pakai duit ku. kejap ja duit habis kan. lepas tu kena buat grocery lagi untuk pulang pi bukit garam. itu pun aku pakai duit ku juga. hasil nya aku cuma ada rm297 ja tinggal dalam purse. macam mana mau survive itu duit untuk 3 minggu before aku pulang pi tawau on March? si bapa confirm nda mengasi duit lagi tu. sebab dari awal cuti hari tu dia ada bagi rm250 baru di beli kan nya lagi aku davidoff cool water women. baik kan bapa ku? gila aku kalo teda bapa ku. sepa mau pelihara anak macam aku ni?
kak lin jahat sudah sama aku. asal aku hint minta duit ja sama dia, terus bilang nya aku nda boleh di kasi duit sudah. keja kunun sudah. mau minta beli selipar roxy sama dia pun nda dapat. tepaksa la aku bayar sendiri. apa boleh buat juga la. sendiri punya barang, sendiri mau pakai, sendiri juga tepaksa bayar.
cimbclicks pun sial juga ni malam. aku mau merelod nda dapat ni. tadi kredit ku ada rm16.80. baru aku call si yus. macam-macam sial cerita kami sampai putus line. hairan kan. balance ada lagi rm3.08. kali fon si yus low bat. peduli la sana. sial juga aku ni hari menulis entry begini. teda kawan ku mau bawa aku becerita pasal sial ku ni. tapi mau mengestau sama urang juga aku sial betul hari ni. ada ka lagi kawan ku yang contact aku time cuti ni selain fizy sama si yus? hood? ada juga la. angin-angin betul tu lelaki. kalo aku text dia, nda pandai dia mereply. tapi kalo datang angin nya, di text nya aku pagi-pagi lagi. dia kan selalu unconscious mode. cute tapi gaya nya. tebebunga la hati kadang-kadang. pi kK dia ni dari kemarin. busy kali dia bejalan kan. lupa dia sama aku. biar ja la sana. semua pun aku main biar sekarang ni. room ku ni bilang mum ku macam tempat kucing beranak ni. barang banyak betul belum di susun. kain baju nda cukup dalam kotak, dalam basket lagi yang nda belipat. macam bukan room perempuan ni. nasib bed ku kemas la. cuma barang ja ba belonggok tu. asal ada ruang untuk aku sembahyang, kira ok la ba tu. nda juga marah bapa ku. barang yang aku beli tadi pun, nda ku angkat pigi rumah. sana ada dalam bonet. biar ja la. biar lagi. habis mau di bawa pulang pi kinabatangan juga kan. malas pula aku pulang pi sana. belum pun puas ni aku di rumah. macam sekejap betul ja aku rasa seminggu ni. boleh ka aku sambung cuti? nda boleh kali kan. macam siok pula keja sama cina. apa lagi kalo bos bekawan sama kau. macam kak lin. suka-suka ja dia cuti. tapi dedikasi juga dia tu. itu la di sayang bos nya.
aku rasa lain betul sekarang ni. macam aku kestau dia tadi pagi aku restless. betul la tu. aku kalo nda jam 2@3 pagi, nda tetutup mata ku. bangun awal lagi aku. lepas subuh nda lagi aku tidur. pindah bilik pi bilik mum ku tengok tv. baru sekarang ni astro macam sial ja show nya semua. eye bag ku macam nenek tua. jerawatan lagi ni. panas betul kan tawau. berelung lagi mata. macam apa ja. si baby tambah cantik tau di rumah terus.

p/s: a million apology for this entry. my mood is totally annoyed. don't know why. i'm not having my PMS pun.
another p/s: dia mau ka tu ya dengan aku? sudah la gaya ku begini...pecaya juga ka dia aku suka sama dia tu? tapi aku serius ni mau dia. tapi dia angin betul....=(

entry gedik

entry gedik sesuai untuk orang gedik macam masdarwis maskor yang selalu mengolok aku...supaya ko lebih kenal aku dari dulu-dulu lagi...=p

transformation

2007

salah kan choco muffin

2oo8

mcD twister fries and frizzy orange

it started from here...late 2008

2009

2010

end up mcm taik muka ku sekarang

yes i know it's getting worse...but everything's fine as long as i'm getting thinner...=)

p/s: entry product yang pernah digunakan akan di upload later...

lesson learnt...............orgasmically well

i like you
for God sake, i want you in my life
am i that hard to be read?
huh?
or you just too stupid?
or perhaps perasan choosy?
or maybe you always in that unconscious mode?
or you just waiting until i'm tired?
or you never met a girl like me who being so open about my feeling?
or you just love to play hard to catch?
hot and cold?
you name it, i'll give a shot
damn.......



or you simply don't like me AT ALL?

finding the way to the soul i belong
no matter how hard the journey is
:(

p/s mau mati dengan perasaan ini: learn not to expect more zila.......LEARN

dilemma kegedikan sendiri

using this for this past half year

and now thinking about using this back

or should i try another bau yg gedik ini?

i still love my current smell....nanti macam bukan zila pula kalo nda bau begitu...:(

p/s: ko suka ka bau ku sekarang? ka ko nda perasan pun itu bau ku?

i think they bad talking me again..DAMN!!!!!

living is easy with eyes closed

and i wish i'm living with my eyes closed right now

(i don't think you read my blog cause i don't really think you're give a damn to my so-called chaotic controversial life. but if you do read this, i do mean every single words i spill here)

i know we just know each other for such shortest moment. but to tell you the truth i do like what i see in you. i meant not physically. i don't care about those things anymore. i see you from my different point of view. i viewed you as someone who can lead me to something better. i see you as someone who guide me through the light. i know you can be the Adam that i've been waiting for so long. and i mean what i said here. why? never ask the Eve why.
i know i maybe not the nicest girl you ever met in your whole life as you're quite elder than me. i may not be the sweetest thing you ever saw. i talk too much. i curse every second. i laugh too loud. and i eat a lot. like a LOT. but this is just the way i am. i cannot be someone i'm not. i know you like it too. not like you liking me. not someone suitable for you to show to your mum. i'm sure there are thousands of girls out there who're much much better than me. but this is me. this is what i am. this is what i made of. fragile. porcelain. take it or leave it. deal or no deal.
i know for sure you're trying to deny something. you're on denial as what i am right now. and i'm so bored with that feeling. i'm tired of feeling unwanted. something i'm not used to. i know you've been hurt before. i'm quite familiar with those feeling. so what? to hell with it. GO ON. MOVE ON.
i cannot promise you anything except 100% commitment. cause currently that's what i have. i've been hurt before. so once bitten, twice shy. but i'm ready to give US a shot. perhaps nobody believe that i'm seriously serious to want you. i kid too much. i know. and i'm sorry.
i'm sorry for bothering you with my silly request. i'm sorry for asking too much from you. i'm sorry for every sorry i owed to ask from you. i'm sorry for out of the blue showed up to your perfect life and trying to run your town.
i know how hard it is to make a choice. to decide something big in life and i'm well aware of the consequence if things didn't turn out the way i want it. and that's why i keep praying for things happen the way it should be, just like what i want, the way you prefer it.

p/s: i do spill my heart here. right at this moment. and i mean what i said.

i know i should have change long time ago. but i choose now. why?

bluntly idiot

i think you should think of giving me this stupidly sweet thing

p/s: kau ni memang nda suka texting ka?

in a very good mood

totally because of two things:

a bowl of raspberry ice cream

almond hershey kisses

and now i cant stop smiling for the whole week =D

p/s: i know i ask a lot from you. and now i only want one thing from you-please bear with me for this time being. though i don't know how you really feel about me. cause what i truly feel right now is totally indescribable. but i like how i feel right now. one thing for sure, it is beautiful in some kind of way. and i really really wish things will work the way it should be. the way i want it and mostly the way you prefer.

p/s to Allah: let things happen the way i want it. doesn't matter if that isn't what he prefer nor it suppose to be. Amen.

a food by Adam's hand

i should be ashamed of my face coz other than boiling a water for breakfast and cooking some instant mee, cooking is no longer an activity for the whole January for me.
well, i have nothing here. no need to cook. yup, another lame asshole excuse who just such a lazybutt headed. i haven't eat any proper cook meal since i'm here. i need outside food everyday. and i haven't take my primrose for that quite a long period. how can i survive in this such 'not-me' condition? pretend. P R E T E N D.
i m pretending all this while. i'm start living the live i'm not used to for the sake of my mum. i no longer complaint anything to her coz i don't want her to cry upon me anymore. and her cry will lead to my cry which i don't want to. i'm so ashamed to fizy and anna. totally embarrassing moment whenever they caught me crying on the phone complaining about this and that to my mum for the first two weeks i'm here. and another applause for me for not crying for the other two weeks. okay you can laugh at me for being such proud for such tiny matters in my life.
back to the business, okay, last night i eat spaghetti. yes i repeat spaghetti here in Kinabatangan. well, it's not like it's a big deal. at least that is the most proper things i eat here for the whole month. and guess what? it's not from a restaurant. an Adam cook it. i know i should be ashamed of my face. like my mum said last night "apa punya perempuan la meng makan makanan budak lelaki masak". well mum, isn't he adorable? he cook for your baby and speak English fluently. what else could i ask for? a little height, perhaps..=p she said "jaga2 kalo orang bagi makanan..jangan main ambil ja". hood, you're not serious when you said you put a pugai there, right? =p
but the part that i like mostly is when my mum said "ngam la itu buat calon kalo pandai masak....meng kan pemalas"...hahaha mum, you know me better. plus, macam la dia mau with your silly daughter ni. what can i say about the meal? sangat sedap. i repeat SANGAT SEDAP. even better than bolognaise from Little Italy. much delicious than carbonara at Grace Point. hood, i think you should consider opening western food here in Kinabatangan. tak pa kalo nda dapat sambutan. me guarantee you already have a regular customer. =p

this is the meal half on the way to fizy and my mouth

and after. one word only: LICIN

anna refused to eat it sebab takut mengantuk

picture p/s: gambar yang sebelum di makan gagal diambil kerana blogger sudah tidak sabar untuk menjamu selera kerana terlalu lapar after having lunch yang sangat tidak sedap. Pardon me ya Allah for non-stop complaining about the food here. i know i at least eat something here compare to the Palestinians.

p/s: hood yang kansang, remember when i said to win a girl like me is through my tummy also? well, you totally win me la yayangster...buwwek..=p
btw, thanks for adding my roundy muffin...should rethink of doing yoga here..=)

aku gedik tulis nama hood color purple. saja jeles kan masdarwis maskor yang pasti akan membaca entry ini. =p

a new label: adam....hahaha..gedik..gedik..sundal pun ada jugak..