semua kan ada hikmah nya

because Allah will settle everything for you
when you take care of your relationship with Him.

Ya Allah, please give me the strength i need.

jaded

i am crying over the loss of something i never had. mourning something that never was. my dashed dreams. dashed hope. and my soured expectation. heart and flowers.

while listening to Transcription by Bach.

green monster

i'm not the type of girl who easily get envy. especially not to that harmless creature. but when people keep giving me the same stare, i start to hate everything about it. it is as if they were pity on me. i don't need their pity. seriously, i'm a grown up. i know how to handle things my way. just leave me alone please.
i'm drowning myself into reading lately. it looks like i didn't pay much attention to my surrounding. but actually i'm observing. it's irony when someone despise you for mingle with your opposite sex buddy and turn out that person is the one who keep doing it. it is so unfair and frustrated. i maybe look tough on the outside. but it wounds me for every laugh and every smile he made. and the saddest part is, all that laugh and all that smile is not for me and not because of me.
i'm trying so hard to change who i was for you. for you. isn't that meaningful enough?

it's not about the lust. it's the love that catch my attention.

spent my weekend engrossed myself into this trilogy. i can't give further review over these books. you've got to read it to understand it. different people have different point of view about BDSM and all that submissive thingy. but i can say i like it better than twilight. at least it's logic and it happens in our daily basis. overall, i'm glad that i ditched The Best of Me by Nicholas Sparks for this one. the overnight totally paid off.

just so you know, reading the pdf version is totally not cool to me. but i have to read it because they put me on pre-order for the books. sucks.

p/s: Edward Cullen is no longer my eye candy. well, say hello to Christian Grey. dark and mysterious philanthropy. still he is no HK..;p

i love you because the entire universe conspired to help me find you

according to Coelho, love is narcotic. at first it brings the euphoria of complete surrender. the next day, you want more. you're not addicted yet, but you like the sensation, and you think you can still control things. you think about the person you love for two minutes, and forget them for three hours. but then you get used to that person, and you begin to completely dependent on them. now you think about him for three hours and forget him for two minutes. if he's not there, you feel like an addict who can't get a fix. and just as addicts steal and humiliate themselves to get what they need, you're willing to do anything for love. sounds pathetic yet beautiful.

hidup

manusia bila di bagi pilihan akan pilih yang cantik instead yang buruk.
yang kurus instead gemuk.
yang tinggi instead rendah.
saya memang nampak superficial. tapi hakikat nya akan go pada benda yang people least expect.

schoolmate: i have brain tumour. stage 3.
me: bullshit!!! why now?
i have 2 close people who died because of SLE and brain tumour few years ago. please Lord, not again. i'm tired of losing.

superb

another thing i hate about PMS is your whole body become more sensitive. and. and. and. you're super horny all the time. sucks!!!

always an aunt never a mum

since budak kecik is having a bun in her oven, i take charge of all the house chores. she needs to have extra rest. so everyday i cook dinner for us. sometimes i feel like having a husband who's going to have his dinner after solat maghrib. that means i have to cook early so we can have our dinner a little bit earlier than usual.
what it feels like? it feels like i am a family woman. it is actually a good practice for me. but it is different then. right now i have to make sure that i only cook a healthy food. i changed our refined oil with extra virgin oil since we only have that in the kitchen. remind me to buy corn oil when we do grocery later. and then, she insisted not to add MSG in the meal. so right now we're eating sort of tasteless food. it is so hard at first but once we used to the tasteless taste, it's kinda good and healthier though sometimes it taste like a hospital food. i'm going to learn lots of new recipes for the growing booboo to vary he/she food intake. frankly speaking, i super enjoy doing this. i love pregnancy phase, pregnant mum or anything to do with it. i just can't wait for the shopping time for the little angel. oh my god, booboo isn't yours, zila!!!

cooking is actually fun when you put your heart into it.

btw, i look so cute in my new purple apron.

;)

p/s: did i just name fizy's baby?

kids nowadays

student: teacher, do you have long hair or short?
me: why?
student: just asking...
me: it's not long nor short. it is just enough to drive my man crazy.

student: teacher, did you do a nose job?
me: nope.
student: what about your lips and chin?
me: if i have extra money, i will surely have a breast implant.

student: teacher, are you using a contact lenses?
me: no. why?
student: your eyes. it's brown.
me: i am a half blood princess. what do you expect?!

student: teacher, do you watch porn?
me: no. i prefer hentai.

stop asking me stupid questions if you don't want to have a stupid answer.

fetish

Am i crazy to keep sniffing and enjoying the smell of his hand on my tumb drive that he just gave back?

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think they don't know me, no?

one fine day...
partner in-crime: let's cook.
me: cook what?
pic: what do you have in mind?
me: something lamb-y. i have lamb in my fridge.
pic: where did you get it?
me: bought it last month when he wanted so much to eat my black pepper lamb but couldn't make time to cook.
pic: wah...it must be nice to be H. lucky him.
me: huhh???

yesterday...
(one of the male teacher got an oversize shirt that will never look good on him unless he alter it)
me: you should alter it. you will look ridiculous in it.
the teacher: yeah. i thought so too.
my neighbour: don't listen to zila. she likes to see male in a tight shirt.
me: huhh???

seriously guys, wtf???

that dagu bulat guy

for a long time, he held a special place in my heart. i kept this special place just for him, like a "Reserved" sign on a quiet corner table in a restaurant.

p/s: mr.Patience is the husband of Mrs.Waiting and i am the Mrs.Waiting here.

super hero

When Marsden is around, there is nothing that can't be solved. With a smile, a shake hand, little talk and sum of notes, everything back to normal. Oh...i just love being stupid and helpless whenever he's around.

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tired

life fucked me hard lately until i think i'm going to be impregnated by tears and despair.
Allah, please give me some super power to stay strong.

hope

you may think a relationship is already dead or too broken to be fixed.
you may think a heart is already dead or too broken to be fixed.
but Allah says; "Know you (all) that Allah gives life to the earth after its death! Already have We shown the signs plainly to you, that you learn wisdom". (57:17)

The one who can give life to the death land, can give life to the dead hearts.

too small for Your attention

today is the 19th Ramadhan. i must say this Ramadhan is the most challenging one. physically especially emotionally. i feel so down this past few weeks since i start my Ramadhan by falling sick and everything. i feel so small and alone in this unfamiliar place (still trying so hard to feel like home here). 

it makes me realize one thing. the changes i've been made since last Syawal is not good enough. i'm still not a good muslimah. i failed to finish recite the holy Quran after a year. i failed to comprehend the meaning. i'm not trying so hard to understand it. sometimes i forgot to perform my solah especially after my period. sometimes i left it purposely for i'm so lazy to pick myself up to face the Almighty. i failed to be a good daughter. dad was secretly cried for me few months ago. mum cried for the crisis between dad and i. i still didn't listen to them thinking that i'm big enough to handle myself. i'm so childish and always acting stupid, helpless and hopeless whenever i had a chance to do so. i'm not a good sister to my brothers and sisters. sometimes i forget that i have them. only remember when i was in trouble. i'm not a good aunt to my nieces and nephews. i failed as a friend to friends. i'm not sincere enough in doing my job as a teacher. there's so much lack in me. i'm too weak to handle the world.

what i regret the most is i'm not trying so hard in doing good in this life. i let the bad in me posses the good one. i let the beauty of the world drown me in. i let my weakness control me. i let the loneliness haunted me. i react positively around negative things. mostly, i'm not strong enough to handle the truth and let imagination swept me away.

so please ya Allah, give me a strength. make my path easier. help me to get through this. 

p/s: i just want to have this chance to say this to someone i put close to my heart. you, i'm sorry for all my madness. i'm sorry for suddenly being here in your life and try to run everything the way i want it. i'm sorry for i've been too clingy. i forgot who we really are. this past few months been really good and nice to me until i forgot where things took place. i forgot that we are still stranger. i forgot that we are nothing. i'm sorry if i was too pushy and immature because almost three years is not a short period. it starts to kill me softly. i'm sorry for sometimes i invite you into my fantasy and let you get carried away together. i know i shouldn't listen to your promising words and keep rising my hope by it. or am i the one to be blame for misinterpret it? i said stupid things. i talk crap and full of nonsense. i'm sorry. from now on, i shall wait silently like how i'm supposed to. put my faith in Allah's will. if we were fated, He'll help us to find each other. we'll figure it out somehow eventually.

we are

people aren't chocolates. they are bastards. bastard coated bastards with bastard filling.

the best therapy in the world when life gives you boomerang and it is about to explode in your hand and you don't know where to throw it, go take a shower. cry your heart out. then shave every hair on your body until you feel like a newborn baby and put on your clay mask. don't forget to buffer your nail so it'll look shiny and pinky.
the next day, go to work like you are a new people. it'll make a lot different.

it's just emotion taking me over

Lately i let emotion control me freely. I cried not for no reason but mostly easily touched by the story i was engrossing myself into. I cried when rennie abort her baby when she was 17. I cried when amy lost her preterm baby. I cried when the unnamed lost her husband. I know it's just fiction. But i feel like i was in their shoes. Feeling grief, lost and lonely. I shouldn't read and let all this stuff corrupted my mind but i feel like i need to keep reading to avoid the emptiness i feel inside. At least i don't feel alone when i am reading. I might sound sick or depress as what my sister would call me this past few months. I don't mind. I really don't mind.

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i love you without knowing how, or when, or from where

if only i can buy a seed and plant it in my tummy, so it will grow to an infant.
seriously i feel lonely and i'm so tired of crying in my prayer asking for the Almighty to grant me with one.

cute twin

today at school before i went home.
s: hi teacher.
me: hi.
s: sudah sihat?
me: yeah, i'm fine. thanks. but how'd you know i was sick? teacher bukan ajar kelas kamu pun.
s: the guy that you adore la...
me: huhhhhhhh???!!!

mygod!!! i'm going to love this girl in my english class next year. isn't she the sweetest. "the guy that you adore la...". for God sake, she's only form 2. some of my front class form 3 kids don't even know how to use adore (v) correctly.

questioned

"You're so beautiful. Why would you hurt yourself?" He asked last night. God!!! I don't have the answer for that kind of question. So i said, "i love him so much, sometimes i couldn't breath thinking i might not be the one for him". I love his smell and the smell of his car. Plus he has this dagu bulat that always look so cute whenever he smiled. I want my baby to have that one later. Never thought i would fall for a guy like this. It hurts so much yet it brings me pleasure by simply waiting for him. The rest, i leave it to Allah to decide which path is the best for me.

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his sleepy voice is seriously the sexiest one ever

it is really nice to hear the voice of your loved ones before sleep. even when all he can say is "hmmm...why?' "uhuhhhh".
seriously.

being hormonal

having a period is almost the same as being pregnant. not like i've been pregnant before. but seriously you want to pee for every 10 minutes. it sucks for a person like me who cannot hold it. then you have this hormonal thing where you tend to get angry for some little illogical thingy. you easily get tired and dizzy. and the last thing you want to do is to commit with others.
i have a graph for my mood. during PMS, i usually extremely happy, non-stop talking. at this time, you need to shut me up with whatever you can for i always talk crap and full of nonsense. i laugh a lot. in fact, too much for some people to handle. when the time comes, my graph decrease to become moody, hormonal and i turn to monster. the worst part is the post one. this is where i'm going to eat everything. every little thing on my mind. and this is the moment where the green monster turn to green goblin. i so hate it.

p/s: i got a stainless steel pot from kak Rozlin for our exchange gifts at school today. it really made my day. i love it so much. i can imagine how i'm going to hang it on my kitchen wall. hehe. i should learn to cook. i should learn to cook cause i promise H that i'm going to feed him with lots and lots of food until he forget his mama's cook..;)

p/s/s: i'm going to miss my first day of fasting. that sucks!!! sucks to the fullest. sucks to the deepest.

anonymous

few months ago i received a text from anonymous saying want to get to know me. but me being me, i ignored it. i'm not the kind of girl who likes to entertain such text. this anonymous keep texting me though i never replied it. until 2 weeks ago, anonymous texted me around 11.30 am when i was still at school saying how beautiful i look that day. okay, so this person actually work with me. i asked H whether he knows the number or not but he didn't. i thought it was H trying to punk'd me because no guy at school would send such text to me except him. still i didn't reply it.
one day, anonymous text me again saying that it is safe for me to contact the number. for some reason, i know who the hell this anonymous is. though i already know who anonymous is, i still refused to reply the text because HE is actually a married guy. he keep texting me as usual though he never get any reply from me. he even called me snob for not replying his text. i start to feel something different. i've become aware of him at school. it's kinda creepy actually. last saturday night he text me again inviting for a drink around 11 something at night. that's totally absurd. if we were in kK and this person was my age, i should call it booty text. seriously, who text people at midnight asking for a drink??? what kind of person is he? especially with his title at school. God!!!
so this morning i told two of my best buddies. one of them was not really surprised hearing it but both of them feel so yuck. it turns out that i'm not his first victim. there's another teacher who experienced the same thing. oh my God. this person is totally sick. for God sake, he is married with kids. isn't he happy with his wife? doesn't he have some respect to matrimony? i feel sorry to his wife for having such husband. i pray that Allah will shield me from this kind of husband. and i pray that he will stop do so, so that any single young women won't feel threaten with such act.
we need a conducive environment to work. don't ruin it.

p/s: congratulation H for the "manager of the season" award. you totally deserve it, love.

tristan and yvaine

how to make man understand this?

is this love? i never imagined i'd know it for myself. my heart, it feels like my chest can barely contain it. like it's trying to escape because it doesn't belong to me anymore. it belongs to you. and if you wanted it, i'd wish for nothing in exchange. no gifts. no goods. no demonstration of devotion. nothing but knowing you loved me too. just your heart, in exchange for mine.

i wish i'm a fallen star so i can glow whenever i'm happy with you.

pesona

man's finger with a wedding band.

exquisite.

fair enough?

eye bag sucks!!!
wrinkle sucks!!!
gravity sucks!!!
mood swing sucks!!!
hormonal sucks!!!
PMS sucks!!!

the fact that men are getting more handsome and sexier as they're ageing, totally sucks!!!

a gift for the undomestic goddess

i don't know where this gift going to lead, but this is totally so random and unexpected.

never in my life had received such gift from a guy. 

thanks H. 

you are so beyond my imagination.

hormonal

lately mood macam gampang. mudah marah sebab benda bodoh. benda kecil yang tak logic pun boleh jadi punca naik angin. bukan baru sangat. since last week. hilang focus time driving. hilang focus bekerja. jadi benci dengan tempat kerja. jadi kurang senang dengan orang-orang di tempat kerja. rasa macam mau pulang rumah dan kurung diri di bilik.
so today i called my sister to have some talk. the first question that came out from her mouth: "kenapa? kau mau kawin? too bad, bini G pregnant sudah". i laughed then said: "ya. mau kawin. tapi dengan H". then we talked and talked and talked. like we were sitting next to each other. then she asked: "kenapa juga mau tunggu?" ah, rasa macam tertikam tiap kali orang soal begitu. tiada jawapan. sebab hati rasa begitu. dia bilang saya tidak lagi muda untuk ikut main tarik tali. then she said, "sudah-sudah la tu jadi lone ranger. jangan telampau sensitive. think less. don't read too much. hairan aku kau membesar jadi begini". saya bilang, "memang juga dari dulu begini kan. cuma lately semua yang negative tu getting worse". saya terkedu bila dia jawab, "just because it is, doesn't mean to be like that ba. susah mau di atur kau ni. bagus lagi dulu-dulu". then i said, "ba battery kong sudah ni. nanti la call balik malam-malam sikit".

tengah baca The Lucky One by Nicholas Spark. hari ni H handsome gila babbas.
bila masa dia tidak handsome di mata saya?

what else can you do when you stuck alone at home on the weekend?

just when i'm about to do some laundry, i do some digging into my clean shirt basket. i found that i still have few clean undies. so i cancel my plan to wash the dirty one. nampak sangat rajin.
this is one of my bad habit. i love to collect my dirty underwear and wash it once when i run out of it. sometimes it can be up to until 3 weeks. luckily i have tons of it. lucky. or maybe i should try to go until i don't have one. it must be great to go to school, teaching without wearing a bra. imagination running wild. hehe.
when i was left alone like this, i usually love to do house chores. growing up by a housewife mother, i don't have a lot of chance to do it. mum usually the one who keep the house clean. make sure the food is ready for us to eat whenever we feel like one. when i was 17, she fell sick and unable to do it. i took her place to be the house mother. i learn how to cook, wash, iron and everything. it was so hard at first. but eventually i learnt. i secretly love it. it's like the only moment that i feel like a real lady. yeah, i know. surprise.
up until now, i love to do it secretly. especially when i'm alone like this. i will clean the house, do my laundry, cook and rearrange everything. life as a teacher won't give me time to do it daily. i always busy with school and nap. hehe. so weekend is my only chance to keep my room spotless. people used to think that i have a messy room. but they are wrong. to me room is my sanctuary. i change my bed sheet once in two weeks. i always make sure that my things are on it usual place. i fold my clothes neatly and put it in my drawer. my wardrobe always smells like spring and everything hang nicely. i love to keep it that way. it'll make easier for me to find things whenever i need it.
i like to cook because i love to eat. and i love the joy feeling whenever i heard people compliment my cook. what i love the most is, when he gives marks and comments to my cook. i love to see the smile on his face whenever he was happy eating. i always make sure that people will finish up my cooking because i hate left over. i won't eat it the next morning and i won't reheat it. i don't like reheat food and i refused to serve one. i'd rather throw it away and cook the new one. bad. very bad habit.
what i hate the most is washing the dish. when i'm at my parents, my dad will do it for me. and here, budak kecik will do it for me. i don't know why i hate it so much. i guess i just don't like the rough feeling on my hand. just last wednesday, amoi, budak kecik and me compared our hands. turn out that my fingers and nails is the least cuticle one. isn't that great? at least my reluctant to dishwashing paid of. i wish my guy will buy a dishwasher machine when i married later so i can keep this young soft hands. wishing. wishing.

tolong cari kan saya suami yang rajin cuci pinggan.