critical thinking

have i ever criticise anything about you?

have i ever say anything about your car?

how you drive?

what kind of song you listen to while driving?

when did you take your driving license?

have i ever?

never!!!

so stop talking nonsense to me.

this is my life.

this is how i run it.

i never ask you to take my ride.

i never ask you to sit in my car observing like you're some kind of officer criticizing every single thing about me.

i never ask you to touch my stereo.

so what if i listen to jazz, indonesian love song and world music at the same time?

so what if i chose to drive orca instead of others?

so what if i drive like a maniac?

so what if i chose something over something?

so what?

is there any rules that bind me to do so?

who do you think you are to question every single thing about my life?

you are no one.

no one.

no one.

you are full of bullshit!!!

3 different generation guys and a girl

part 1

me: pa, dia kali mau datang ke rumah kalau jadi ke Tawau.

bapa: Alhamdulillah...

me: bukan dengan niat itu. datang-datang ja macam biasa.

bapa: Alhamdulillah juga. rezeki tetamu.

part 2

abang man: dik, 28 tahun sudah kau kan?

me: 26 la!!! napa? aku nampak tua ka sampai abang ingat aku 28?

abang man: nda la. saja ja mau psycho kau.

me: napa pula mau psycho?

abang man: mana tau tension kau mau kawin terus.

me: napa juga kamu semua ni? kamu nda suka sudah ka sama aku sampai balik-balik suruh orang kawin?

abang man: nda juga ba. bagus juga tu. sejuk nanti kau.

me: macam-macam la ba abang ni.

abang man: habis kalau kau nda kawin pun, bukan kau keluar pun dari bilik. balik-balik berkurung. ada atau tidak kau di rumah ni sama ja rasa nya.

me: terbiasa ba.

abang man: sana kau sendiri. sini ni banyak kami yang boleh kau hadap.

me: jadi nanti kalau aku kawin pun aku bawa juga laki ku berkurung.

abang man: kalau itu nda apa. nampak hasil nya. productive kamu.

me: bikin gerigitan becakap sembarang.

part 3

kikie: transfer dulu lagu pigi mp3 saya ni. laptop saya rosak.

me: lagu bik ni lain-lain sikit ni kie. sanggup ka?

kikie: hantam ja la. memang ka guru BI jiwang-jiwang orang nya?

me: (terkedu)

p/s: that's why i hate to come home sometimes.

Dani and Nisah's wedding

i attend one of my closest friends wedding yesterday with budak kecik and him. never in my life had attend such a beautiful wedding reception. i feel so touched. feel so calm. i don't know how to describe it. it feels so blessed to be there. the Muslim and Muslimah seated separately. and the music is very quiescent yet entertaining. and if you're single, surely you'll keep thinking about marriage after that. just like budak kecik and i. we talked about it once in car excitedly. and i

admit we did smile silently.

i wish to have a very beautiful wedding one day. fill with laugh and joy, bless and grant, family and friends. a simple one yet so remarkable. i'm wishing...-,-

budak kecik and me

comel

ambil barakah...

;)

apa yang cuba di sampai kan Nya?

adakah Tuhan sedang mempermain kan saya dengan cuba menipu?

atau saya yang sukar menerima realiti setelah hidup 26 tahun dengan hakikat itu?

atau kah ini juga dugaan yang super maha tidak best?

tapi kenapa kini setelah saya mendekat kan diri dengan Nya?

home alone

i'm supposed to finish reading this one.

instead of that, i've been spending my time since friday watching Harry Potter the series. i told you i'm not a big fan of him. but still Harry Potter is one of the best literature that one should read and watch.

left alone is so not cool. budak kecik was off to LD since yesterday to do some errands. she's only going to be back tomorrow. i hate when i'm alone at home. it's kind of creepy sometimes. whenever i'm downstairs, i kind of feel like someone is upstairs. i try to ignore it. but i just couldn't. something keep remind me of 3A story about "orang sebelah". well, it's about someone knocking your door and when you asked who is that, he will answer "orang sebelah". you thought he is your neighbour but he is actually "orang sebelah" or half man. i know it's some of ridiculous tale people used to tell. but when you're alone, everything goes to your mind playing like some silly ad. scary, i know.

i guess Nafilah 1 is my second kitchen right now cause i'm so not in the mood to cook. i have a lot of food stock in the fridge waiting to be cooked. i have pasta and everything. i just hate cooking when i'm alone. i don't know how to eat a decent food alone at home but i can sit at a restaurant having my meal alone. weirdo!!! i promise to make a healthy salad for budak kecik so she can

munch it whenever she feels like eating. she's currently on her weight gaining process. so far she managed to gain 2 kgs in a week. almost reach 40 kg. i am so happy for her. i should take care of her food to make sure she's taking a healthy diet and not having all the carbs and sugary food.

just a kind reminder for myself when i'm driving:

1. TOLONG TEKAN BREAK DI SELEKOH HOSPITAL, DI DEPAN PADANG, SIMPANG MASUK AGRO BANK, SIMPANG PASAR DAN BUKIT MENUJU PERUMAHAN.

2. TOLONG JANGAN MELEBIHI 80kmj SEPANJANG JALAN DARI SIMPANG HOSPITAL SEHINGGA DI SIMPANG SESB.

3. TOLONG JANGAN MELEBIHI 100kmj SEPANJANG PERJALANAN KE SEKOLAH.

4. TOLONG JANGAN MELEBIHI 40kmj DI SEKITAR KAWASAN PERUMAHAN TERUTAMA DI LORONG 1.

5. TOLONG JANGAN MEMECUT LAJU DI BUKIT NAIK KE GATE SEKOLAH.

mau hidup lebih lama kan?

random photo taken from FB group.

seni membuka buras. indah kan?

di tambah dengan tempe dan ayam masak lengkuas.

mood raya tiba awal.

blissful friday

a very thoughtful view from an unknown.

it kills to know that the person you love does not love you back.

it hurts so damn much.

more than you can imagine.

like a stab in deep through your chest.

or even worse.

you fall apart, for the hundredth time.

you love this person with all your heart.

they hurt you worse than you've ever been hurt.

well guess what?

that's what we do everyday to Allah.

He loves us so much, no words can describe it.

yet,

we still forget Him in our daily routines.

sunk deep into the trap of this world full of lies deceit.

how do you think Allah would feel like?

we forgot that this world is just a stop. a sojourn.

we forgot that death can come knocking anytime.

we forgot that we're going to meet Him.

face to face in the after life.

we forgot that He's going to question us.

for every single thing we do in our life.

on that day.

how many of us will regret not being truly in love with Him before?

do we still think that we deserve all the pleasures in this world He gave us?

lets start ask for His forgiveness before it's too late.

andai

andai tiba waktu itu,

aku mohon di persiap kan diri ku,

di beri aku kekuatan untuk mengahadapi nya,

dan di permudah kan penyelesaian nya.

bukan buat mas Fahri, tapi buat Lek Khudori atau juga mas Azzam...

wahai orang yang lembut hati nya,

sudah lama aku selalu mengecam pahit

kelam oleh penderitaan

AKU TAK ADA SIAPA PUN KECUALI ALLAH DI HATI KU

tapi kau datang dengan cahaya

aku ingin menjadi yang halal bagi mu

yang kan kau kecup kening nya

kau hapus air mata nya.

dari orang yang selalu merindu kan cahaya mu.

for you

i wish i can spend my whole day at school cause only there i can see you.

i wish i can spend my whole day at school cause that's the only place i can be with you.

cause whenever i'm with you, i don't have to pretend that i'm happy.

cause whenever i'm with you, is the only happiness i have right now.

at least, you always succeed in making me feel at ease.

undo

i don't know where to start.

i don't know how to reset my mind back to normal.

i just can't keep pretend like nothing happen.

i should stop pretending like i'm okay when i'm actually not.

i want everything to be back at its place.

the way it supposed to be.

ya Allah, give me your strength. show me the right path.

ain't Saint at all

aku anggap dia ibarat Santa Claus. selalu berjaya mengada kan yang tidak ada buat ku. setiap wish yang aku pinta, pasti di tunai. tidak dapat di segera kan, esok lusa pasti ada. dari kecil sampai besar. pernah bilang jangan dia di ambil sebelum aku di ambil. dia dunia ku. dia cukup perfect.

apa rasa nya bila dapat tahu Santa Claus tu tidak wujud. yang wujud hanya manusia yang penuh kekhilafan. tapi macam mana mau tukar mind set selama 26 tahun ni?

jatuh

jatuh lagi buat kali kedua. kaki yang hampir sembuh, bengkak semula. careless. tiada pesanan penaja "careful" macam kemarin kan. sedikit lupa untuk lebih prihatin terhadap diri. sakit. dugaan.

;(

;(

;(

stranger call

pintu taubat sentiasa terbuka. lihat saja en.ruang asing. membaca paragraph pertama entry terbaru nya membuat aku tersenyum penuh kesyukuran. pada hal entah siapa dia. cuma kadang-kadang ada connection yang menghubung jalan hidup kami.

hidayah Allah ada di mana-mana. cuma kita yang harus lebih peka pada persekitaran. itu yang aku percaya. suatu waktu dulu, aku adalah orang yang sering mempertanya kan soalan "bila hidayah tu mau sampai ke tempat ku?" kepada budak kecik. seperti biasa juga tanya ku di jawab dengan pelbagai kata-kata nasihat. bila kini aku di tanya kan tanya itu, aku cuma mampu senyum dan bilang "turn kau akan sampai juga kalau kau minta tanpa henti".

kemarin.

budak kecik: syukur juga kau kena begini time period. kalau tidak, nda dapat bayang kan macam mana kau solat duduk.

aku: jangan la. aku mana pandai solat duduk.

budak kecik: maka nya di pelajari.

nampak sangat jahil.

cerita lain.

i just can't accept when a pregnant wife asking for help from a husband but he refused to do whatever the request is. tidak masuk akal. small thing like help to take a question paper from the copy room is enough to make a girl feel appreciated and loved. is it that hard to do so? even for someone like him who is nothing to me is willing to do without being ask. let alone you as a husband. you should go back and learn how to appreciate a girl. for Allah sake, it's your baby she's having in her womb right this moment.

it's not easy to find the right one, no? people change once they married. or should i say that it's hard for people to change? you've been living alone for so long, i know. at least take some time to observe your surrounding. see how others treat their wife. learn how to treat a lady. it won't bring you any harm. women like to be treated like a princess. and you know what good they can bring you once they feel loved.

i know who am i to say all this things. i'm just a single girl who knows nothing about marriage. but i am preparing myself right now to be better for that moment. i learn to be a good wife. just in case. at the same time i keep praying that Allah will shield the eyes of this kind of guy from me. hoping that one day HE will send someone who love me the way i love him. who treat me the way a woman should be treated. i know he is somewhere out there preparing himself for me too. i have faith in Allah's words...;)

some say this kind of thing is kisas or karma. if it's that so, i should fret not for i've been watching such a TLC from the men in my family towards their women.

hidayah

a conversation with one of close friends after jogging today.

he: how do we know when we get the Hidayah?

me: i don't know. usually you yourself will know. because it something that we can feel.

he: what is it feels like?

me: calm.

he: how do you feel right now? i saw a lot of changes in you.

me: i don't know how to describe it. it will come at the right time, in the right situation. but only HE know when and where. that's all i can say. as for me, i should say, after a lot of trial that i can barely pass lately, i think it is the sign from HIM that HE is the most powerful and Almighty. what other reason can you give to deny it?

and i'm happy seeing people around me start to change to a better person. and thank you to those who being so supportive to me. love you guys a lot. seriously. a lot.

p/s: should i say one of the sign is when you start enjoy reciting the Quran in your car every morning while heating the engine and listening to your favourite music?

it would be nice to have someone who flirt with you with food

now i know why the italiano love pasta but still can maintain that lovely figure.

1. they only eat quarter of my meal.

2. they don't have a bowl of ice cream right after that.

should put 1 slice of cheese only instead of 2.

pms, i'm so in love with you.

now, mengantuk at 7.54pm. great. night.

third day

6.50am: nasi kuning

9.35am: sesb and home for hershey kisses

11.43am: rice+chicken curry+squid+spinach

1.00pm: form three teacher's meeting

2.15pm: home

2.46pm: noon nap

4.16pm: watermelon

5.20pm: rice+fried chicken+fried fish+ice jasmine green tea

5.44pm: preparing for cheesy spaghetti

could life be any better than this?

nothing beat the smell of new book

except his smell.

when i'm in a very sad mood, i tend to read a very sad story so i could compare my sadness to those in the novel. i'll end up feeling grateful that my life is way better than the one in the novel. i'm currently reading this book since few days ago. it really move me. as always, middle East story success to make me cry. always. imagine, you as a Muslim Lebanon living in London struggle to have a baby. not because you can't conceive but because you refused to accept the fate that God is not going to give you one just because HE said so. so far, it makes me cried once. so far. i've read until page 48. still a very long way to go. she met a girl named Zahra. i always love that name which means 'flower'. i plan to name my baby girl (i'm wishing) as Suri Zahra. suri is the name of one of the guardian roses in heaven. nice, right. what if it's a boy? i'll name him Elijah. something i always have in mind since i'm with KA long time ago. Khairul Elijah. so i could call him Kal El. Clark Kent's name back at his planet. too much dream. i know. but right now i think Aidan is much better. but i have to change the spelling to Eiden. E, because my mum's name start with an E and Den because my dad's name end with it. cool kan. enough..;)

i lost 4 kgs without even trying to lose weight. to me it's not a good sign. that means i'm not in a good condition. there are something wrong with me. i'm not happy. seriously. so i went out to jog after asar today. mind that my asar is around 4 something because i'm such a bad noon napper. i run and run and run until i'm tired. and now my whole muscle is start to ache. i'm just praying it won't lead to sick. cause i'm so tired of sick lately. it's good. it's fun. running, thinking and talking at the same time. it's not like i'm running to lose weight. i just want to keep fit. to make me feel healthier. at least i'm doing something other than read and online on weekend. feel so great right now. you know what? it sting to receive a comment like "tecer nda makan perut pun tapi still babat juga".

vida

i'm trying as hard as i can to run my life as normal as possible.

i know it might be the hardest things to do.

but i believe by pretend that everything is going to be okay will make everything right.

for this time being.

doesn't matter how i feel inside.

doesn't matter what is on my mind lately.

i'll fake it.

i'll fake everything.

for the sake of myself.

i should not let my guard down.

i should not stop protecting my heart.

i should start now before everything is too late.

Tuhan itu adil dan selalu tahu apa yang terbaik buat hamba Nya. siapa aku untuk mempersoal segala nya bila semua sudah di atur sebaik-baik mengikut percaturan Nya. hidup dan chess itu sama sahaja. tiada siapa yang menjanji kan ending terbaik. sebab cuma Dia yang tahu siapa pemenang dan siapa pengalah in the end. dan siapa aku juga untuk bilang "ini tidak best". cuma aku minta satu sahaja. hati ku jangan lagi di uji sedang semua tau aku tidak cukup kuat. siapa lagi aku untuk mempersoal permintaan ku yang belum di makbul. bukan menyangsi kuasa Nya tapi sekadar bertanya. di mana keadilan sedang saban jam aku melihat manusia bertopeng syaiton bahagia dengan hidup yang Kau berikan sedang aku masih belum beroleh nya dan terus hidup dengan kepincangan dan ujian yang tidak pernah putus. di mana keadilan yang di war-war kan. sekali lagi siapa aku untuk mempersoal semua itu sedang aku hanya mengingat Mu di kala getir. bila jiwa rapuh. siapa aku?

i know you read this. help me to put myself at ease again. like you used to do.

numeric

checkered shirt.

that smells.

teaching numbers.

turn me on.

turn me on.

turn me on.

and it's all happen on friday?

just great...

tiba-tiba

selagi ada sinaran mentari

selagi ada getar di jiwa ku.

teda-teda ni. ok, semua boleh muntah lepas ni.

opt

there are two options here:

1. get married and be happy.

2. transfer. (at least i don't have to suffer when fate is not written between us)

tahajjud cinta

tipu bila aku bilang kahwin itu soal kedua dalam hidup sedang itu adalah pintu syurga bagi perempuan.

bohong bila aku tidak memikir kan nya setiap waktu di usia begini.

Ya Allah, hadir kan lah pelindung dan pembimbing yang mengimam kan setiap solat ku.

jalan-Nya

ampun yang telah engkau pinta dalam semua keraguan yang telah meliputi jiwa mu

semoga kan membawa cinta mu

pada diri ku dalam jalan dan redha-Nya

run

i want to start running again, why.

it gives me time to think.

it gives me time to deep think.

it gives me time to fucking think about every single thing.

it gives me time to enjoy the solidarity.

or maybe i want to get rid of this muffin that looks like 2 months pregnant bump?

well, at least i'm not running away from my feeling nor reality.

you know what's wrong with you?

you get chicken when you start feel your feeling.

you confused.

you run away from it when you know very well you have that same feeling.

you scared.

you afraid of being hurt. (like other people not)

today you like this, tomorrow you like that.

as far as i'm concern, it's not the other person who has problem.

it's you.

you're not sure of your own feeling.

you know what you want but you don't know what to do.

now let me gives you some suggestion on how to solve this.

don't treat that person nicely.

don't treat that person special.

don't give that person wrong idea.

don't give false alarm.

do not take care of the food.

do not take care of everything.

do not pretend like you know what that person wants.

do not text.

do not talk over some serious things.

do not make any move that will lead to flowery feeling.

do not ask that person to hold your thing.

unless...

you really want that person. go straight to that person and tell that person how you really feel about that person. don't do all of this and just disappear the next day. you know why? because it so fucking hurt thinking that someone is finally have a feeling towards you but in the end you'll find out that person is not. and yet you do it again and again and again, why? because you know that that person always have a feeling for you no matter what. but you forget one thing. you forget that that person is a person. a human being. that person has feeling. does it ever appear to your beautiful mind, how hurt that person might be, how tired that person can be, how sick that person can be with all of the 'tarik tali' thing you keep playing. make up your mind. just make up your mind. you know something beautiful is waiting for you.

p/s: apa kau mau?

(itu pun mau tanya lagi ka? sudah tau aku mau kau kan.)

instead of that, :: mau daging dua.

tidak best

me: do you believe in marriage?

he: off course. why?

me: as an institution or as a symbol of love?

he: both. in the name of God.

too bad. i'm not. now. i've been thinking about it lately. and i want to give myself a chance. perhaps there are secret wonder behind matrimony. so i thought, why not. let's give it a try. open up my heart. yes. i did open my heart for these pass five days. i wake up everyday with a smile on my face. thinking about giving someone a chance. whoever he could be. i'm happy. i thought i was. but i'm not. this morning, budak kecik told me something. and just like that, i changed back to what i was. there's nothing behind marriage but a mess and all the things i have in mind lately only happen to our parents.

just when i thought my heart is ready for it, something prove me wrong.

just when i thought there something between us, you prove me wrong. again.

sola alma

strong jaw

long straight nose

deep eyes.

just perfect.

suratan atau kebetulan? what the heck...

i've been using this background image for google homepage since the day Barney formatted my laptop few months ago. i know why he set it up for me. everyone knows i have a big crush on elephant. to me, it is like the most unique animal on earth. it's big. somehow it represents myself. and i love it so much. i feel like want to hug him the moment he handed me my laptop. but tonight when i try to open a new tab, something caught my attention. let's see what makes me laughing my arse out yet makes me think. we'll see if we have the same idea.

this is my homepage

get what i mean?

let's enlarge the picture

still don't get it?

the elephant is in love with the ant

isn't it something?

p/s: senyum sendiri, kan?

dunia ini terasa lebih nyaman dan aman, jika kita ketahui ada seseorang yang menanti dan menunggu, dan menikmati kejelek kan kita, bukan?

sedang kan ruang asing sudah bisa membuka pintu hati nya setelah sekian lama.

kenapa pula aku belum di hadir kan rasa itu?

p/s: kamu pugai ya?

bosom

i've changed my bra size cause now it's so fresh, full and creamy.

ada jiwa Borneo dalam diri nya

is there any different between peninsular and borneo?

does it really matter where someone come from?

no, right?

my parents never care about that thing. especially my OH SO MACHO AND HANDSOME daddy.

all he cares about is whether that special someone capable of loving his baby girl the way he did. so i suppose no problem in dating peninsular guy. i won't say dating because my age is not suitable to date again. let say it in more serious way. matrimony. marriage. yes, my dad does not have a problem of me marrying someone from outside of borneo. i won't say sabah either cause borneo sounds sexier. in fact one of my sister is marrying someone from peninsular. my niece dating peninsular guy. everyone accept them for who they are. no one judge them. but we did sometimes. only on occasion. hahaha...