that dagu bulat guy

for a long time, he held a special place in my heart. i kept this special place just for him, like a "Reserved" sign on a quiet corner table in a restaurant.

p/s: mr.Patience is the husband of Mrs.Waiting and i am the Mrs.Waiting here.

super hero

When Marsden is around, there is nothing that can't be solved. With a smile, a shake hand, little talk and sum of notes, everything back to normal. Oh...i just love being stupid and helpless whenever he's around.

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tired

life fucked me hard lately until i think i'm going to be impregnated by tears and despair.
Allah, please give me some super power to stay strong.

hope

you may think a relationship is already dead or too broken to be fixed.
you may think a heart is already dead or too broken to be fixed.
but Allah says; "Know you (all) that Allah gives life to the earth after its death! Already have We shown the signs plainly to you, that you learn wisdom". (57:17)

The one who can give life to the death land, can give life to the dead hearts.

too small for Your attention

today is the 19th Ramadhan. i must say this Ramadhan is the most challenging one. physically especially emotionally. i feel so down this past few weeks since i start my Ramadhan by falling sick and everything. i feel so small and alone in this unfamiliar place (still trying so hard to feel like home here). 

it makes me realize one thing. the changes i've been made since last Syawal is not good enough. i'm still not a good muslimah. i failed to finish recite the holy Quran after a year. i failed to comprehend the meaning. i'm not trying so hard to understand it. sometimes i forgot to perform my solah especially after my period. sometimes i left it purposely for i'm so lazy to pick myself up to face the Almighty. i failed to be a good daughter. dad was secretly cried for me few months ago. mum cried for the crisis between dad and i. i still didn't listen to them thinking that i'm big enough to handle myself. i'm so childish and always acting stupid, helpless and hopeless whenever i had a chance to do so. i'm not a good sister to my brothers and sisters. sometimes i forget that i have them. only remember when i was in trouble. i'm not a good aunt to my nieces and nephews. i failed as a friend to friends. i'm not sincere enough in doing my job as a teacher. there's so much lack in me. i'm too weak to handle the world.

what i regret the most is i'm not trying so hard in doing good in this life. i let the bad in me posses the good one. i let the beauty of the world drown me in. i let my weakness control me. i let the loneliness haunted me. i react positively around negative things. mostly, i'm not strong enough to handle the truth and let imagination swept me away.

so please ya Allah, give me a strength. make my path easier. help me to get through this. 

p/s: i just want to have this chance to say this to someone i put close to my heart. you, i'm sorry for all my madness. i'm sorry for suddenly being here in your life and try to run everything the way i want it. i'm sorry for i've been too clingy. i forgot who we really are. this past few months been really good and nice to me until i forgot where things took place. i forgot that we are still stranger. i forgot that we are nothing. i'm sorry if i was too pushy and immature because almost three years is not a short period. it starts to kill me softly. i'm sorry for sometimes i invite you into my fantasy and let you get carried away together. i know i shouldn't listen to your promising words and keep rising my hope by it. or am i the one to be blame for misinterpret it? i said stupid things. i talk crap and full of nonsense. i'm sorry. from now on, i shall wait silently like how i'm supposed to. put my faith in Allah's will. if we were fated, He'll help us to find each other. we'll figure it out somehow eventually.

we are

people aren't chocolates. they are bastards. bastard coated bastards with bastard filling.

the best therapy in the world when life gives you boomerang and it is about to explode in your hand and you don't know where to throw it, go take a shower. cry your heart out. then shave every hair on your body until you feel like a newborn baby and put on your clay mask. don't forget to buffer your nail so it'll look shiny and pinky.
the next day, go to work like you are a new people. it'll make a lot different.

it's just emotion taking me over

Lately i let emotion control me freely. I cried not for no reason but mostly easily touched by the story i was engrossing myself into. I cried when rennie abort her baby when she was 17. I cried when amy lost her preterm baby. I cried when the unnamed lost her husband. I know it's just fiction. But i feel like i was in their shoes. Feeling grief, lost and lonely. I shouldn't read and let all this stuff corrupted my mind but i feel like i need to keep reading to avoid the emptiness i feel inside. At least i don't feel alone when i am reading. I might sound sick or depress as what my sister would call me this past few months. I don't mind. I really don't mind.

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i love you without knowing how, or when, or from where

if only i can buy a seed and plant it in my tummy, so it will grow to an infant.
seriously i feel lonely and i'm so tired of crying in my prayer asking for the Almighty to grant me with one.

cute twin

today at school before i went home.
s: hi teacher.
me: hi.
s: sudah sihat?
me: yeah, i'm fine. thanks. but how'd you know i was sick? teacher bukan ajar kelas kamu pun.
s: the guy that you adore la...
me: huhhhhhhh???!!!

mygod!!! i'm going to love this girl in my english class next year. isn't she the sweetest. "the guy that you adore la...". for God sake, she's only form 2. some of my front class form 3 kids don't even know how to use adore (v) correctly.

questioned

"You're so beautiful. Why would you hurt yourself?" He asked last night. God!!! I don't have the answer for that kind of question. So i said, "i love him so much, sometimes i couldn't breath thinking i might not be the one for him". I love his smell and the smell of his car. Plus he has this dagu bulat that always look so cute whenever he smiled. I want my baby to have that one later. Never thought i would fall for a guy like this. It hurts so much yet it brings me pleasure by simply waiting for him. The rest, i leave it to Allah to decide which path is the best for me.

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