another 13 days

how long till we call this love, love, love??

heart grow fonder

i'm here and you're there.

that makes two pathetic missing heart.

parting is killing. even for a fortnight. 

needs

i need a new space to write where i can sincerely write from my heart without having a second thought that there are some people who will be offended with what i have written.
i need to move on. or perhaps to move backward. i just want to move cause right now i feel like i'm frozen. i'm going nowhere. i'm stuck in this tormented moment. living in denial. living in lies.
i need someone to slap me hard on my face so i can wake up from this dreamy land. from this so-called comfort zone where nothing is actually comforting.

i'm not okay. i'm not.

ramble

cuaca panas lately.
almost 40 degrees. macam la.
buat diri jadi malas.
tidur tidak boleh.
pakai tank top lagi rasa panas compare dengan big tee.
marathon Lord of the Ring dari pagi.
tengok Frodo, Aragorn dan Legolas, rasa macam di syurga kejap.
tukar caller tone baru untuk dia.
phone bunyi sekali. LINE.
laundry tidak berlipat lagi untuk tiga minggu. penuh menggunung di basket.
atur jadual cuti. atur alasan soalan cepu cemas. atur duit.
june birthday orca. lesen mati. maintenance.
jeans baru. shirt and blouse. perlu coin purse. perfume. buku baru. mungkin juga perlu high heels baru.
cutlery set. kitchenware. dinner set. bed linen.
tiba-tiba.
jeles gila babbas tengok perempuan kurus kaki panjang, perut kempis, rambut panjang, wavy.
super jeles orang ada laki.

bon appetit

the moment when i was texting with him complaining about how scorching hot my house can be sometimes, i'm thinking about food. i'm craving for something milky, cheesy and chocolatey. i don't know why on earth suddenly my appetite turn to something like that. i want something hot yet simple for my teatime. i went down and found a carrot slice leftover from our teacher's day celebration yesterday. i ate it together with budak kecik. but it seems not enough for me. when she was busy with something else, i'm busy cooking scrambled eggs with super extra fresh milk in the kitchen. it turned out so fluffy and moist. i never thought i could make something like that. the milky taste was killing me softly. for a moment i forgot my getting-bigger muffin, my super ideal weight. i let the eggs teasing every part of my mouth and perish me with its taste. when i'm done, i thought of having a second round. but a caught of my thigh suddenly stop me. there goes my kelly rowland dreamy thigh.

i wish he was here so i can pamper him with food and be fat together. gaining weight alone is super not cool..-,-

i thought i was hypotension

i seriously need anger management class. i just slapped 8 kids on their faces for giving pain in my ass during exam. that was after i threw tantrum in front of everyone. everything so out of control. i feel bad about it. real bad. but i just couldn't help myself.
now, i'm just waiting for the HEM to call me.

i'm sorry. i'm really sorry. this PMS is totally killing me.

contentment

he: ada nampak tom cruise ka?

me: ya ada. depan mata saya pakai baju pink. guna aviator baru.

minta puji!!!

handsome short guy+ aviator+ cute baby

is it too much what i'm asking for?

rant

i miss K so much. i know it's wrong. but lately i miss him badly. i gather all my strength to keep him off my mind. i just couldn't. it seems easier to do it at school because i can channel all my thoughts by spending my time starring at H secretly. it sick. i put him in my conversation here and there. i try so hard to remember his smell every time he picked me up from class after his office hour. or to remember his jokes. his smile. his laugh. i just can't forget how he used to make me happy and how happy i used to be. i miss everything. i miss being in a relationship. 4 years alone is too long and sad. sometimes i wonder will i ever be loved again.
i'm not in love with him anymore. i can say it. i'm in love with someone else right now. but things are so hard. i'm torturing myself with something uncertain. and it hurts like hell. i don't know why i keep holding on to it. it may sound stupid but try to put yourself in my shoes. only then you know what fool means.
if only i have a magic to cast a spell on someone. or at least the power of compulsion.

seriously, it's not cool to be alone. imagine going to sleep with no nite and wake up without morning. it sucks. it sucks to know that no one cares about you. it sucks to have no one thinking about you in the wee hours. it sucks to eat alone. it sucks to plan alone. it sucks to spend your weekend alone. it sucks to have no one to share the new book you just read. or the new movie you just watched. it sucks to have no one complain you. it sucks whenever you read funny love quotes and you have no one to share it with. suddenly all the joy and funny feeling turn to despair. it sucks when you cook or eat something good with no one to share it with. it sucks.yeah, it sucks and sad and lonely. i hate it to the deepest. now let's cry together.

seriously???

H

dari kecik tidak mau mati

kurang ajar kan bila ada pelajar yang berani buat sexual moaning time kita lalu depan kelas mereka. rasa macam mau ketuk kepala pelajar tu dengan batang paip biar mampus sekali. kalau gatal betul mau make out, quit sekolah, minta kawin. jangan buat emosi guru terganggu.

ibu bapa, sila pantau anak anda. beri pendidikan seks sewajar nya.

kawinan

Pn.Suhana, Pn.Ziemah. Pn.Harny, Pn. Maya, soon to be Pn.Rusni.

semalam saya attend wedding reception classmate masa form 6 dulu. she turns out teaching at the next door school. saya pergi bersama Pn.Harny dan keluarga. pelik rasa lidah bila sebut puan Harny. haha. di sana saya ketemu ramai teman lama. mostly sudah bergelar puan. ada yang membawa anak. bawa perut. bawa bakal suami. saya saja datang keseorangan. tapi tidak kisah juga. saya suka bila di kelilingi wanita-wanita bahagia seperti mereka. komen pertama saya ketika berjumpa puan Ziemah: "handsome laki kau". dia ketawa. anak perempuan nya juga comel.
bersama mereka malam itu membuat saya rasa begitu muda. tidak banyak yang berubah. sifat dan sikap mereka masih seperti dulu. cara juga sama. cuma sekali sekala perhatian mereka di alih kan pada kehendak suami atau rengekan anak. saya tersenyum. kata teman-teman saya langsung tidak berubah. masih seperti dulu. lucu dan lucah dan suka ikut kepala sendiri. ya teman-teman, saya masih baik seperti dulu. dan comel. ketika bersalaman dengan pengantin, dia bertanya kan H. saya bingung. rasa macam bodoh seketika. tidak ada jawapan yang relevant dengan situasi kami. saya bilang "siapa mau jaga anak-anak nya kalau dia ikut ke mari". rasa pelik sedikit bila mana hidup saya sering di kait kan dengan nama nya. macam sinonim pula. semua nya gara-gara puan harny. saya faham dia cuma mau saya bahagia.
all of this suddenly remind me of K. siapa sangka takdir Tuhan.

lelaki sekali-sekala merajuk, comel berabis ni. tapi bingung sebab tidak tau cara pujuk orang yang jarang merajuk. saya lemah bab ini..;(

turn

i don't know how my McDreamy turn to McSteamy.
this totally ain't cool and might lead to something bad.

that secret glance. that secret smile.
i'd rather die with excitement.

it's like gravity- kata Jacob Black

dengar 81 juta kali pun boleh tidak bosan.
macam first time dengar.
dan sudah hafal lirik dan boleh nyanyi sekuat hati time driving.
heran macam mana rasa itu boleh sama.
mungkin ka Sara Bareilles juga pernah cinta satu lelaki lama-lama?
atau mungkin juga dia selalu jatuh hati berkali-kali dengan lelaki yang sama?
atau ka dia sebodoh saya?

life

he write again. i shouldn't ask for more. i just wish he continue writing. cause at least he gives me a reason to at least do something. read.

when i was in shower just now, my mind suddenly brought me back where i left of. Ramadhan 09. and i cried a little bit. hurts.

i learn not to trust every word from him. cause i should know better what kind of guy he is. the kind of which will pop up the moment you never thought he would. and just like that he's gone. and not to reply him is the wisest choice. good.

my tailor cum aunt is sick until now. so i sent my baju batik to someone here in bukit garam. now i'm going to wear a short kain for the rest of my life. shouldn't blame her. it's my fault for having this fat ass. sucks.

i watch vampire diaries season 3 again today. should find something else to occupy myself from all this vampire thingy. i just couldn't get Damon's hot body from my mind. that beautifully shape wings. that long torso. the not so chesty chest. that naughty smirk. that sexy eye rolling. massive.