Again???

You just have shit put on your plate at work place, and then you went home and started to dial his number. You realized you can't talk to him because you just have the ugliest fight ever the night before. You are all alone with all the mess. And you are hungry some more.

It's 2009 all over again. I think i need therapist. And Ken doll as new boyfriend.

Relationship is a total bitch. What else? Bring it on!!!

protect

tau ka new relationship tu paling bitch?
sepa bilang time tu la paling heaven?
sepa bilang?
atau aku yang telampau keras sampai tengok semua kebaikan tu plastic?

mengerti la di sakiti tu sakit. sakit tau. sakit.
jadi jangan.

Bitch

I never thought being in a relationship is so tiring. Seriously, i forgot. I forgot that it includes all the stupid arguments, ugly late night fights and most of all trying to accept the fact that you can no longer put yourself first in every single thing. Can't imagine marriage. I might end up spending my money in therapist.

Despite all that, i love you to the deepest, Sayang. 

compete

his mother made a hot drinks for him at 10.30 pm. while i usually in bed at that time. now tell me how can i compete to that love?

mum

we were too caught up taking care of mum before until we don't really have time for anything. most of the holiday spent with her. we stop travel for awhile. being the baby of the family makes me feel the obligation is more on me. and what is more, knowing my mum started to fall sick since she was carrying me. she sacrificed her life to have me. almost losing it but lucky and blessed enough for her to raise me until i was 28 last year.
now here i am trying to plan our little vacation. i go numb. every thing is going bleak. i start crying again. i miss her so much. this hole in my heart is eating the whole out of me. i'm not strong.

Kata Nadiah

This is what my long distance bff said when i told her about my recent serious relationship ever. Probably the worse comment ever yet so damn true. I specially like the part when she said that Arjuna will end up like my big guy while me like my mum. Frankly speaking, that's what i plan to be when we are getting old and grumpy. Still gives each other morning kiss even when we both use fake teeth later. And to have someone so confident about him turning to be my dad is like having fireworks surrounding me. There's nothing i ask more than to have him holding my hand on my dying day with sorrow in his eyes and love in his heart. Too much to ask for, i know.

Whatever it is, i will try my very best to be a good wife that one could ask for. Never doubt this faithfullest heart, Sayang.

1st week

work is a mess.
house is a mess.
going to sort things out one by one.
be more organise.

and i miss you so much, Sayang.

Bye 2013, Hello 2014

I lost my mum last Ramadhan. 2013 has been nothing but horrible one until i literally collapse in front of You for the downright grief. But turns out the Almighty has His own plan. He sent me this wonderful being on Christmas eve. Suddenly every thing seems bearable.

May this coming year fill with blessing and a chance for us to create joyful memory.

The one who come at the right moment. Let's take things one step at a time and falling deeply slowly. May you're the one that i ought my ribs to, Sayang.

Cake

I browsed his facebook for the first time today and I was like "What the fuck are you doing? Trying to hurt yourself?". Only then I realized starting new relationship is never a piece of cake. It's actually a process of making the cake itself. May I have the patient of a baker in creating my own sugar arts.

fragile

At this point, everything can actually break me. Family relation, friendship, relationship. I need to be strong, not for anyone, but for my dying soul. I'm not even sure what i want. I just let others decide for me. I let every single person in my life to take control of it. I let vapid people to criticise, laugh, even talk bad things about me right before my naked eyes. I don't mind at all. I really don't mind. Do whatever you want. Say whatever your heart desire. Because in the end, I know who's the Saint and who's the Satan. And the irony, I'm both. Yeah baby yeah. No baby no.

still struggling

i was having bad fever last week since tuesday night. so i decided to go home so someone can take care of me while i'm in my full-of-shit mood. what i love the most about being sick at home is because my dad really knows how to take care of me. he made the most delicious comfort food and a glass of hot milk for his sick baby girl. life is totally heaven at home. he even hand fan me in the middle of the night when black-out happened. oooohhh...i love you, daddy.
i've spent too much time at home and i realized few sad things about my dad since mum left. i noticed he only used one side of the bed. when i asked him why, he simply said that it is my mum's side and it supposed to remain like that even when she's no longer around. i cried and said he supposed to change side sometimes so that the bed will look even. he just give me an empty smile. we spent most of our nights watching nat geo or some tennis tournament. i'm glad for i have a chance to do this more with him. i know he misses her. i miss her so much too. we still can feel her present around the house. life is hard.

it will be her 100th day this 24th oct. please protect her, Dear Allah.

my heart is an empty room

in a time like this, a girl will always turn to her mother to seek for advice and tlc. but mine is no longer here. that just double the pain. please give me Mary's strength to face it. that's all i'm asking.

on the contrary, i feel so blessed. so blessed. Alhamdulillah.

the perks of being an active lady

There are two reasons for a woman to be extremely craving for certain food.

1. She's going to have her period soon.

2. She's having a bun in the oven.

So which situation am i in? Drugstore, here i come!!!

positivity

harus bisa!!!

trying my luck

He: apply transfer to sfc la so we can teach in the same school.

Me: see first ok.

Maybe this is my chance to fulfill my fantasy of having a quickie in the science lab or library. Or maybe we can have one in the bestari lab or sport store. Hahahahaha...^,^

mum

it's been 43 days since mum left us here to be with her family. i think i'm still struggling living without her. it feels so awkward not to talk to her every single morning. i know i sometimes feel annoyed with her routine question checking on me every day. but right now i swear i would pay the world just to hear her voice once again asking me what do i have for breakfast.
i want my mummy!!!

Syawal

Eidu fitri without mum is weird and sad and totally sucks. I want my mama..:(

the most blessing gift God ever gave me

"A daughter without her mother is a woman broken. It is a loss that turns to arthritis and settles deep into her born" 

she's not missing. she's not visiting relatives. she died. she's no longer here. she's now happy with her family on the other side. i can never hear that soft voice calling my name. no longer i can see that beautiful smile. now there's only dad and i against the world. i have to be strong for him. i maybe lost a mum. but he lost his bestfriend, his love.

8 days without you. Al-Fatihah, Enit Donald Jackson.

tell me how i can possibly be ok.

until my blood turns into alcohol

only then i'll make my mind up.
about us.

the one that got away

G: how are you?
me: growing.
G: growing? not gaining? maksud?
me: i need a new bra size.
G: what? you double D now? that's nice.
me: you not helping pun.

i called him to wish happy father's day last night. it's funny how he still call me rabbit. it's like nothing ever change between us. it's really a miracle how someone can make you feel loved sometimes. we talked about everything. have a good laugh. one thing i like about him is he is so wise and knows what to say to me especially in my condition lately. before hung up he said, "find someone who can appreciate your wit, ok baby". it makes me smile thinking about that. thanks, G. i really loved you when i'm with you before. hehe.

where can i steal money to buy new bra? seriously, when are you going to finally stop growing?

be grateful

1. i wish that my hair stop growing so i don't have to shave frequently. please bless me with clean supple leg.
2. i wish that my legs are 4 inches longer than now so i can rock my skinny jeans more.
3. i wish i can download new clothes illegally from the internet because i'm so fed up with everything in my closet right now. sadly to say i can't afford to buy a new one.
4. i wish i can wear anything i want to my office instead of baju kurung. why can't i wear pants to school???
5. i wish i can quit my job and do something less stress than this career.

i wish.

walk before run

in one of our night together, i notice some major changes in me. i notice that i'm not strong enough. my stamina was low. my knees were weak. i have no energy. i cannot spend too much time. i used to do better than this. but that was like four years ago. i won't say lack of practises as an excuse. it is just me. i lost interest in almost everything. i lost myself. the most frustrating is to see that un-sated face on the next day versus my glowing shiny face.

yoga and long walk, let's be bestfriend from now on.
please help me to put a smile on that face again.

tanpa hati dan rasa

saya silap larang kau kawin perempuan lain.
saya silap minta kau kawin dengan saya.
saya silap tentang kau.
dari mula lagi saya sebenar nya sudah silap.
kesilapan besar saya adalah lead kau untuk involve dengan saya.
mungkin saya lambat sedar.
but better late than never kan.
sekarang saya lepas kau.
kawin la dengan perempuan lain.
kawin la dengan sepa pun.
saya tidak kisah lagi.
i've had enough of you.
tepu.

kenapa?
sebab kau tetap yang dulu.
and i'm not a cat with 9 lives. kena stab berkali-kali pun tidak pandai mati.
i'm not an angel.
i'm not Mary.

a better happier st.sebastian

why are you frowning when i'm here with you? you smile better.

yes, you were there with me. but...i don't know how to say this. i usually not the type of girl who always want more from others. but with you, i start to want more. i want you. i want you before. i want you right now. i want you even then. i don't know what is the chances for us to be together. i don't know if you worth to try. i don't even know if you want me for real this time. we have fun. you make me laugh. you actually listen to my mumble almost every weekend. and you spoon me which is rare for a guy to do especially when i'm no one to you. i know i said No before. and right now, i don't know how to say yes to you when i can feel that you gaping yourself. i won't regret the No before. but i will hunt you till you say yes once again.

before he left that last morning together, "you deserve to be happy. that face doesn't suit you". and in that moment i swear, we're deserved to be together.

almost

two more days, zila. then you can have the real break that you deserve. kimbet!!! why suddenly time fly so very slow???

fion, glo, chris and me in our batik

going to miss these people.

re-enact

so you did the prayer and saw her and you cried for your idiocy.

even God helps you by giving a sign. 

then what are you waiting for? 

be a man. go get your bride so you both can re-enact all the sex scenes from Fifty Shades Trilogy.

not telling her, then act like you feel nothing and turn yourself into the same old moron.

chemistry. neutron collision. intuition. God's sign.

lampisang!!!

sampai tua la.

leather

it is almost the same as in buying a dress. you want the specific dress that you've been eyeing for some time but end up with different one. not because you can't afford the one you want. but it's because you've spent too much time eyeing it you grew bored of it. not really that bored. maybe because it just stick there without even trying to attract you after so long. so when they put the new arrival item with 10% discount from the same favourite store of yours, off course the decision has been made. now you're going out wearing a new dress, looking gorgeous as usual and feel ecstatic. but then, when you eyed the one that still hang there in the mannequin, you just realize you have made the wrong choice. bam!!! ngerti???

you know what i find therapeutic? no. not shopping. shaving. i love to shave myself in the bathroom and do some thinking while waiting for the cream to take action. i don't know why but i find this act very soothing and stress relieved. i love the feeling after that whenever i touch my skin it so supple it reminds me of new born baby. i usually shave my legs only but for what i have in mind lately have forced me to shave my whole body. right now i don't know what am i going to shave when i come back from the office after seeing him wearing that brown leather shoes.

kill me.

heart that matter

dear G,
i want to be with you more than electron wants to attach to proton.
never doubt the faithful-est heart.

sincerely,
your rabbit.

when in school

thinking about this, right at this moment...

i want to have my wicked way with you...

little that i know

i don't know why suddenly i feel hatred of this place. i hate being here so much i want to put revolver in my mouth then pull the trigger. i'm not in the mood to work since the beginning of the year. little that i know that this feeling never get rid of me even until today. it's april now but i still feel the same. i'm so stress. tortured, suffocated with the surrounding. i despise everything. i cursed everytime i enter the class. i don't prepare my lesson until 5 minutes before it. i am so demotivated by every single thing about school. this is so fucked up. i shouldn't feel like this. this isn't me. i used to love this teaching career. i missed that feeling. i missed staying up late just to prepare a new module to teach my kids. i missed wondering around in book store finding new material for them. and now all i can think is school holiday. a very long vacation where i don't have to iron my clothes. where i don't have to think what to wear tomorrow. where i don't have to wake up early every morning. wait, i am a morning person. okay then. where i can wear a boxer and some tank or baby-t without even care to put my bra on. where i don't have to worry about every single thing. where i don't have to deal with young people. where i am actually away from this tormented place. i feel stranded and alone here. 

gosh, i miss K so much i started to use our picture as my phone wallpaper.